A gate area of a large, ultra- modern airportcirca1960s.
Lights fade up. We hear the sounds of JETS takingoff and
ANNOUNCEMENTS murmur throughout. Courtesyphones, pages for
passengers, calls for specificairlines and flights, mentioning
long-gone airlineslike TWA, Braniff, and Pan Am.
VOICE OVER ANNOUNCEMENTWelcome to Miami Dade International
Airport. Braniff flight 663 service to New Yorks IdlewildAirport is
PASSENGERS hurry back and forth, to and fromtheir flights.
FRANK ABAGNALE, JR. has been sitting on anairport chair reading
the newspaper. FBI Agentsenter, revolvers drawn: BRANTON and
DOLLAR.They mistakenly pursue an airline passenger runningfor his
BRANTONThere he is! Hold it right there!
DOLLARStop or I'll shoot!
AGENT CARL HANRATTY enters from StageRight. As with the other
agents, we don't see muchbeneath the fedora.
HANRATTYHold your fire! Where the heck is he? Hes not giving us
the slip this time.
Frank Junior, carrying a suitcase, rises from the chairand
quickly runs up the aisle.
Hanratty looks off stage, then notices Frank Junior exiting
Frank Junior, still carrying his suitcase, quicklyreverses
course and jumps up onto the stage withAGENT COD on his tail. The
Agents chase him.
Wait a minute, Men. There he goes! Thats him! Goddangit thats
DOLLARI'll shoot! I will shoot!
Frank Junior hesitates ...
CODAnd he's a really bad shot.
... then takes off again. Hanratty gives chase.
There. There he is!
No you dont!
I'm gonna shoot!A deafening SHOT stops everyone in their
The Passengers all stop and stare. FRANK, JR.drops the suitcase
which falls open, exposing itscontents. Large quantities of
HANRATTYFor the love ofDollar, what does "hold your fire" mean
where you come from?
I fired a warning shot, Agent Hanratty!
COD(squints at ceiling)
I think you shot down a plane.
FRANK JUNIORThat was close! You could hurt someone.
HANRATTYCome on, Frank. I'd rather take you alive than dead.
FRANK JUNIORCan I at least make a statement first?
HANRATTYAt the airport? No.
FRANK JUNIORI'm sure these people want to know why you're
shooting at me.
(Looks to them: they kind of do)I think they should know who I
am and what I did and why I did it.
This is one of your tricks. Men!(Jerks his head to the Agents,
who close in)
You're not going to fool me again, Frank, like you did in that
hotel room in L.A. You'renot putting on a show for these
FRANK JUNIORA show?
(MUSIC: A figure from the orchestrawe'll call itour STINGER.
Frank Junior looks at us and smiles.)
(Frank Junior snaps his fingers.
MUSIC CONTINUES with a huge timpani roll.
A sudden reveal shows a lavish backdrop andtuxedoed ORCHESTRA on
a jazzy bandstand.)
We need some lights.
(He waves his arm. Lights change.)
CODThe hell is he doing?
FRANK JUNIORA studio audience.
HANRATTYMisdirection. It's a con. That's the technique.
FRANK JUNIORCameras. And the Frank Abagnale Junior
(He waves to the Orchestra, the CONDUCTORacknowledges, and
launches into the song proper.)
HANRATTYFrank, what the hell are you doing? Branton, Cod, get
everyone out of here.
(As the other agents hurry the passengers to the exits,Hanratty
edges upstage to check out the orchestra,keeping his gun on Frank
... who crosses downstage to us.)
FRANK JUNIORMy name is Frank William Abagnale ... Junior. This
is my story.
HANRATTYThese people have musical instruments.
I was a millionaire twice over and half again before I was
twenty-one. I stole every nickel of it. I flew almost fivemillion
miles as a Pan Am pilot, practiced medicine at a top Atlanta
hospital, and worked as a prosecutor for theState of Lousiana, all
under assumed names. Mister Hanratty thinks he has all the facts,
but only I know just how Idid it. And I did it in style.
(He sings to us. As he does, Hanratty comesdownstage and notices
us, and tries not to be toounsettled.)
SONG: LIVE IN LIVING COLOR
FRANK JUNIORLIVE IN LIVING COLORLET ME TAKE YOU FOR A RIDEYES,
I'M LIVE IN LIVING COLORSO SIT BACK AND LET ME BEYOUR T.V.
(The groove kicks in. Hanratty points the gun atFrank
HANRATTYAll right, thats enough. Frank, you're coming in.
FRANK JUNIORMister Hanratty, when that shot rang out, my whole
life flashed before my eyes. I saw it all! Well I mean,
thehighlights. Like on a television special or something. Like we
used to watch, mom and dad and me.
HANRATTYYou think your life is a T.V. special?
FRANK JUNIORI know. Modesty has never been one of my
HANRATTYVirtue has never been one of your virtues.
FRANK JUNIORTrue story.
(sings)I GOTTA STORY I'D LIKE TO TELLBUT I'M GONNA NEED HELP TO
TELL IT WELLI GOTTA STORY ABOUT FAME AND MONEYAND IT'S GOT MORE
CURVES THAN A PLAYBOY BUNNYI WANNA LIVE NOT JUST SURVIVEI WANNA
TELL MY STORY LIVEAND IN LIVING COLOR!
(The ENSEMBLE has entered, and Hanratty findshimself surrounded
by dancing bodies ...)
ENSEMBLE(on Frank Junior's "color")
LIVE IN LIVING COLOR
5(... and he ducks, flails, and fights his way out to oneside,
as Frank Junior continues. The Ensemble dressFrank Junior for the
show, and bring in the set.)
FRANK JUNIORSOMETHING SPECIAL'S UP TONIGHTYES I'M
FRANK JUNIOR + ENSEMBLELIVE IN LIVING COLOR
FRANK JUNIORLIFE AIN'T LIVED IN BLACK AND WHITE!
(speaks)Ladies and gentlemen, the Frank Abagnale Junior Singers
(Hanratty fights his way through the Frank AbagnaleJunior
Singers and Dancers and speaks to us.)
HANRATTYHold on, Folks, listen, by the time this guy was twenty
years old, he had stolen almost one-point-eight milliondollars.
He's a con man, plain and simple. Has been since the age of
sixteen, when he bilked twenty grand from hisfather's Mobil card to
buy presents for girls. When he got caught his only excuse was
FRANK JUNIORI like girls.
HANRATTYHe likes girls. Tell the folks, Frank, how "I like
girls" becomes "I'm wanted on five continents."
FRANK JUNIOROh, you mean like the story of how Superman became
Your ability to pull myth from manure is truly impressive.
FRANK JUNIORThank you!
FRANK JR. + ENSEMBLELIVE IN LIVING COLOR
FRANK JUNIORAND IT'S BROUGHT TO YOU BY MEYES IT'S LIVE IN LIVING
ENSEMBLELIVE IN LIVING COLOR
FRANK JUNIORTHIS WON'T FIT IN YOUR T.V.!
(speaks)Also starring my parents, Frank and Paula Abagnale!
FRANK SENIOR and PAULA enter in a sweep, andbegin to dance
together, beautifully. They aremirrored by two other dancing
couples. Stunning andromantic.)
My parents met in France. A little village called Montrichard.
After the war. My dad was a GI. My mother wasyoung and
FRANK SENIOR(To us)
All the people in that little French village were so happy to
see Americans that they decided to put on a show for us.So they
crammed two hundred soldiers into a tiny social hall and the first
person to walk on stage is your mother,and she starts to dance ...
The men are literally holding their breath. And I turned to my
buddies and I said
FRANK SENIOR + FRANK JUNIORI am not leaving France without that
PAULAI always get into trouble when I dance with you.
(They dance. Frank Junior watches.)
FRANK JUNIORWhen I was a kid, I could watch them dance all
(Hanratty steps in.)
HANRATTY[continuing as needed]
Frank, come on, I interviewed both your parents, don't try to
sell me [some sentimental picture of domestic bliss]
(Frank Junior plows forth as MUSIC CHANGES.
Frank Senior sweeps Paula off her feet, and theydance off with
the other couples.
FRANK JUNIORAlso starring Playboy's Playmate of the Year, Cheryl
Ann ... Something!
(Lights on CHERYL ANN, who's pissed.)
CHERYL ANNI'm surprised you even remembered my first name.
Listen, you no good sonofabitch
FRANK JUNIORThank you, Cheryl Ann! And introducing the Strong
family, featuring the beautiful, sweet, faithful and true
(Lights on BRENDA, with ROGER and CAROLSTRONG behind her)
Hi, Brenda. Listen, I've got this show to do and you're gonna be
in it. In fact, youre one of the stars.
BRENDAFrank, I wouldnt do this for anyone but you.
FRANK JUNIORYou're gonna be great. Now, will you wait for me
over there? I'll let you know when it's time.
BRENDAFrank. I love you.
(Brenda exits with her parents, Frank Juniorwatches. And says,
FRANK JUNIORI loved you, too.
(Hanratty has had enough.)
HANRATTYAll right, Frank. I've heard all I can hear. I don't
want to hear any more.
FRANK JUNIORI dont believe you. I think you want the rest of the
HANRATTYI know the whole story All right, wait a minute, theres
something that still bugs me. Howd you pass the barexam? In New
Orleans? Howd you cheat the bar?
FRANK JUNIORAll right Mr. Hanratty Ill make you a deal. You let
me finish, and Ill tell you anything. We owe each other thatmuch,
dontcha think? Ill get to tell my story. And youll have a full
HANRATTYOkay, deal. Frank. Or whatever you're calling yourself
today wait where am I going?
(Hanratty disappears down the center elevator lift)
FRANK JUNIOR ENSEMBLEWHAT'S IN A NAME?
SHOO-BEE DOO-WOP, BOP-BOPJUST WINDOW DRESSING
SHOO-BEE DOO-WOP, BOP-BOPEVERYBODY KNOWS THAT IT'S THE
CLOTHESTHAT MAKE THE MAN
CLOTHES THAT MAKE THE MANPLAY THE GAME
SHOO-BEE DOO-WOP, BOP-BOPJUST KEEP 'EM GUESSING
SHOO-BEE DOO-WOP, BOP-BOPMIX AND MATCH METRY TO CATCH ME IF YOU
OH, I GOTTA STORY THAT'SSTRANGE BUT TRUE
8I GOTTA STORY THAT'SSTRANGE BUT TRUE
SO COME FLY WITH MEFOR A BIRD'S-EYE VIEW
SO COME FLY WITH MEFOR A BIRD'S-EYE VIEW
I'VE GOT THE WORLDAT MY COMMAND
I'VE GOT THE WORLDAT MY COMMAND
AND I'LL BE YOUR ONE-MANDISNEYLAND
AND I'LL BE YOUR ONE-MANDISNEYLAND
I DONT WANNA WAITFOR THE COPS TO ARRIVEI WANNA TELL MY STORY
LIVEAND IN LIVING COLOR
LIVE IN LIVING COLORTUNE ME IN AND TURN ME ON, YES I'MLIVE IN
LIVING COLOR LIVE IN LIVING COLORBLINK YOUR EYES AND I'LL BE GONE,
YES I'MLIVE IN LIVING COLOR LIVE IN LIVING COLORTUNE ME IN AND TURN
ME ON, YES I'MLIVE IN LIVING COLOR LIVE IN LIVING COLORBLINK YOUR
EYESBLINK YOUR EYES BLINK YOUR EYESAND I'LLBE GONE BE GONE!
(MUSIC begins again. The ensemble break theirtableaux and dance
in the background as FrankJunior speaks to us our host.)
FRANK JUNIORLadies and gentlemen, our story begins on Christmas
Eve, 1964, New Rochelle, New York. The Abagnale home. Abeautiful
house on the best street. The house everyone wanted, and the family
everyone wanted to be.
(Frank Junior goes, and the Ensemble comesforwardand set the
stage for the Abagnale home.)
SONG: LIVE IN LIVING COLOR (TAG)
ENSEMBLELIVE IN LIVING COLORTUNE ME IN AND TURN ME ONLIVE IN
LIVING COLORBLINK YOUR EYES AND ILL BE GONE
(As we complete the TRANSITION TO ...)
9Scene 1: Living Room, The Abagnale House, NewRochelle
(... and the dancers move to the background and
Paula opens the Christmas Tree.
Frank Senior watches her.
Frank Junior is watching a small color television set,and the
SINGERS fade from house speakers to thetelevision setthey're on the
show Frank Junior iswatching.)
ENSEMBLE (ON TV)LIVE IN LIVING COLOR LIVE IN LIVING COLOR
PAULAIt truly is a beautiful tree, Frank.
FRANK SENIORIts the genuine spirit of real Christmas, right
there - one hundred percent acrylic.
PAULABut so that I understand you left this morning with a
Cadillac and two hundred dollars and come home with aChristmas
tree, a television set, and a used Ford?
FRANK SENIORCan I strike a bargain or what? I left those guys
with their heads spinning.
PAULAI think I know the feeling.
FRANK SENIORIts that Abagnale magic. Cmon dance with me.
PAULAFrank, I DO have dinner going-
(But she starts to dance with him. Frank Jr. is stillwith the
FRANK JUNIORWow Dad, you're righteverything is better in
FRANK SENIORHow about that thirteen-inch screen?
FRANK JUNIORIts like Andy Williams is right here in our living
Nothings too good for my boy or my bride.
FRANK JUNIORBut Dad, didnt those guys know you were getting away
FRANK SENIORPeople only know what you tell them, Frankie. Its
all a dance swap the Caddy for the Ford, use the extra cash topay
the mortgage, use the mortgage to leverage the bank loan, use the
loan to tide the business over until you can getthe Caddy back.
Theres always another move to make.
I really should see to dinner.(She goes.)
FRANK JUNIORThats great you got the loan, Dad.
FRANK SENIORShh. I didnt get the loan.
FRANK JUNIORYou didnt but I thought you said-
FRANK SENIORI got something better.
(hands him a checkbook.)Fifty checks. The account's in your
name. I put twenty-five dollars in it so you can buy whatever you
want. Don'ttell your mother.
FRANK JUNIORThanks, Dad. But if they didn't give you the loan,
why did you
FRANK SENIOROne day youre gonna want something from these
people. A house, a car. They have all the money. And this meansfrom
this day on, you're in their little club.
FRANK JUNIORBut why didn't they give you the loan?
FRANK SENIORAh, its just a technicality. They won't loan to
anyone under I.R.S. investigation.
FRANK SENIORListen to me. You remember this story. Two little
mice fell into a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave
upand drowned. The second mouse wouldn't quit. He struggled so hard
that eventually he churned that cream intobutter
FRANK SENIOR AND FRANK JUNIOR and he climbed out.
FRANK SENIORAnd who are we?
We're the second mouse.
FRANK SENIORDamn straight we are. We're gonna be fine. As a
matter of fact, you know what ? We're going downtown to buyyou your
Christmas present. A brand new Botany 500 suit.
FRANK JUNIORDad, thats too expensive.
FRANK SENIORFrankie. You know why the Yankees win all the time?
It's not the Mick. It's not Joe Pepitone. It's the uniform.
The other teams just stand there, staring at the pinstripes,
mesmerized. The Dodgers were so scaredthey had to leave town.
SONG: THE PINSTRIPES ARE ALL THAT THEY SEE
FRANK SENIORWHEN YOUR MOTHER WALKED INTOTHAT DANCEHALL IN
MONTRICHARDWHAT DID SHE SEE?THROUGH THE HAZE OF CHAMPAGNE DID SHE
NOTICE MY BRAINOR MY COLLEGE DEGREE?
KID, WHAT SHE SAW WAS THE UNIFORM!THROUGH THE DIRT AND
DEBRISYEAH, THOSE LADIES GAVE THANKSTO US VISITING YANKSCAUSE THE
PINSTRIPES ARE ALL THAT THEY SEE
(Frank Senior is joined by a bevy of BEAUTIFUL GIRLS inYankee
pinstripes. Frank Junior comes downstage: our host.)
FRANK JUNIOR(to us, pausing as needed)
Ladies and gentlemen, the smartest man I know. The man with all
the moves, my dadFrank ... Abagnale ...Senior!
FRANK SENIOR BEAUTIFUL GIRLSWHEN A PILOT WALKS ONTO THE PLANEALL
THE PASSENGERS SMILE AND RELAX
DO THEY SEE HES STILL TIGHT FROM THAT PARTY LAST NIGHTAND THE
BACK TO BACK JACKS?
SMILE AND RELAXSMILE AND RELAX
STEWED TO THE MAX
FRANK SENIORNO!, WHAT THEY SEE IS THE UNIFORMHOW IT FITS TO A
TEELIKE THAT VISITING TEAMTHAT THE YANKEES WILL CREAMTHE PINSTRIPES
ARE ALL THAT THEY SEE
12(The Beautiful Girls surround Frank Junior, and heemerges
dressed smartly in his prep-school blazer.)
IF YOU WANNA BE A SOMEONEYOU CANT LOOK LIKE A BUMA BOOKS JUDGED
BY ITS COVERTHATS THE FIRST RULE OF THUMB
I WANNA SEE YA TAKE OFFSTRAIGHT TO THE TOP FLOORSTART DRESSIN TO
IMPRESS EMSON YOU'LL STROLL IN THE FRONT DOORA KID IN A MANS CANDY
(As Frank Junior speaks to us, Jack Barnes and Paulaenter, not
Jack goes to Frank Senior and shakes his hand. Paulacomes to
Frank Junior. MUSIC CONTINUES as weCONTINUE TO:)
13Scene 2: New Rochelle High School
FRANK JUNIOREverybody loved my dad. Jack Barnes, the head of the
Chamber of Commerce, called him
FRANK JUNIOR AND JACK BARNESthe most popular businessman in New
PAULAFrankie, you don't have to wear your school blazer. You're
going to public school now.
FRANK JUNIORI'm used to it. And, I mean, what's the Flash
without his suit? Anyway, public school is only for now. Dad'll
getback on his feet and I'll be back at St. Francis before you know
PAULAMy brave little soldier. You aren't afraid of anything.
FRANK JUNIORIll be fine, Mom. You do what you have to do.
PAULAWell, you do look handsome. Comme tu es beau!
(She sighs, kisses him on the cheek, and goes.Frank Junior heads
to school.He is met by a JOCK and a NERD)
FRANK JUNIOR'Scuse me, is this room 17 French?
NERD(checking his outfit)
Who wants to know? The F.B.I.?
(The two students LAUGH and move past him, the
Jockaccidentally-on-purpose bumping Frank Junior and sendinghim
JOCKYeah. He looks like a ... like a substitute teacher or
Frank Junior looks at us and smiles.)
FRANK JUNIORShouldnt you boys be in class? Depechez-vous. Vite.
Frank Senior and Paula are with a dour female PRINCIPAL.)
Mr. and Mrs. Abagnale, I regret to inform you that for the past
week, Frank has been teaching Mrs. Glaser's Frenchclass.
PRINCIPALYour son has been pretending to be a substitute
teacher. Lecturing the students, giving out homework. Your sonheld
three teacher-parent conferences yesterday, and was planning a
class field trip to a French Fry Factory inTrenton.
(Frank Junior waits, nervously, outside thePrincipal's
PAULAYou have to forgive him. There's been so much change. We
lost our house
FRANK SENIOR(smoothly cuts her off)
Principal Owings, on my way in from the outer office, I found
this necklace on the floor. Is it yours?
(He pulls a locket necklace from his pocket.)
FRANK SENIORYou must have dropped it. Looks like it was made for
PRINCIPALWell. Mister Abagnale.
(But she takes it. As Frank Senior shakes hands with
thePrincipal, who exits opposite, Paula goes to Frank Junior.)
PAULAFrankie Je ne peux pas.
(She shakes her head again and goes. Frank Seniortakes her
place, putting on his hat. Looks at his son,who slowly meets his
FRANK SENIORFrench fry factory?!
(Finally, Frank Senior LAUGHS. And Frank JuniorLAUGHS.)
FRANK SENIOR AND FRANK JUNIORYEAH, WERE GONNA HIT THE
HIGH-LIFEWEVE ONLY JUST BEGUNWERE GONNA BE TOGETHERFRANK SENIOR AND
DINE AT THE LATIN QUARTERA NIGHTCAP AT TOOTS SHORYEAH, WERE
GONNA BE AT RINGSIDELIFE WILL BE BETTER THAN BEFOREFOR TWO KIDS IN
A MANS CANDY STORE
15(Frank Senior claps his son on the shoulder and goes.Frank
Junior moves to follow, but sees BETTY.)
BETTYHi. Is the Principal in her office? I need to give her this
note from my mother, excusing me from sixth period.
FRANK JUNIORYou should fold it. It's more believable that
BETTYNo, this really is a note from my mother.
FRANK JUNIORWhat's the first thing you do when your mother hands
you a note? You fold it up and put it in your pocket.
(A half-beat, and Betty folds the note.)
BETTYThanks. I'm Betty.
(She plants an impulsive kiss on his cheek, and goes.He swoons
WHAT THEY SEE IS THE UNIFORMJUST ASK ONE MAITRE DOR A TAILOR IN
PARISGO ASK ROGER MARIS!THE PINSTRIPES ARE ALL THAT THEY SEE
(Frank Junior dances his way home as we TRANSITION TO ...)
Scene 3: The Abagnale Apartment, Downtown New Rochelle
(... and as Frank Junior dances right on in the door,his mother
and father dance on opposite. But with aturn, in an instant, we see
that it's not his father. It'sJACK BARNES. And Frank Junior sees
this, andthey see him.
MUSIC STOPS suddenly.)
FRANK JUNIORMom, Dad I met this girl
PAULAFrankie! You remember your father's friend, Jack
JACK BARNESFrank. Good to see you. Paula I Take care.
(He grabs his hat and goes. Frank Junior is silent.)
PAULAAre you hungry, Frankie? I'll make you a sandwich.
(Frank Junior doesn't move.)
You're not going to tell him.
PAULAThat's right. There's nothing to tell. I'm going out for a
few hours to visit some old friends from the tennis club, andwhen I
get back, we'll all have dinner together, right?
(Frank Junior rubs his eyes. Paula gets herpocketbook.)
Do you need some money, Frankie? A few dollars to buy some comic
books? Here, take two.
(She stuffs two dollar bills in his pants pocket. Hedoesnt
acknowledge her. Then )
FRANK JUNIORTwo hundred soldiers in that tiny social hall, and
you ... you ...
PAULAI was sixteen years old when I met your father. I was your
age. How could I know what I wanted? Dites donc?
You wanted him.
PAULAI did, once. And I wanted to get out of France. And I
wanted to have a child.
(She reaches for him, but he pulls away.)
(considers him, then)It was a long time ago, Frankie. Believe
me, one day you'll look at yourself, and you won't be who you
(He turns away from her and walks into his bedroom:piles of
comic books, a "Flash" bedspread. He takeshis jacket off and tosses
SONG: SOMEONE ELSE'S SKIN
FRANK JUNIORTHERES NO PHONE BOOTHTHERES NO CAPETHERES NO STEVE
MCQUEENTO HELP ME MAKE MY GREAT ESCAPE
HOW CAN I FLYLIKE A HERO IN THE SKYBE A SHOOTING STAR OUT IN THE
WHERES THE SHADOW?HE MIGHT KNOWWHERES THAT SEARCHLIGHT IN THE
SKYTO POINT THE WAY TO GO?
THROUGH SOME NEW CLOUDTO DISAPPEAR INTO THE CROWDTHOUGH THE
FUTURES DARKTHERES ONE THING CRYSTAL CLEARTHAT THERES NO HOME
(MUSIC CONTINUES as we TRANSITION TO:)
Scene 4: Family Court and Train Station, New Rochelle
(The Family Court Judge appears with Frank Seniorand Paula
JUDGESon, listen to me. We just need a name. Your mother or your
(... and as the bedroom goes away, Frank Juniorcomes downstage
for that "break-in-a-ballad"confessional moment.)
FRANK JUNIOR(to us)
One day the principal pulls me out of class and drives me to the
Courthouse. Doesn't tell me why. I walk in and I seemy parents up
front, with their lawyers, and the judge.
JUDGEIt can get very expensive, people fighting over their
PAULANobody's fighting. Frankie, Look at me. Nobody's
(The adults continue, overlapping, as Frank Juniorsings to
FRANK JUNIORSO MANY VOICES TELLING ME TO CHOOSE
JUDGEThe court can decide these things, but it's better if the
FRANK JUNIORITS LIKE A GAME WHERE EITHER TEAM I LOSE
FRANK SENIORFrankie, just give them a name, and this will all be
over. It's going to be okay.
FRANK JUNIORTHIS KINDA NOISE JUST MAKES ME WANNA SHOUT
PAULAMy brave little soldier. Do what you have to do.
FRANK JUNIORID LIKE TO BUY A ONE-WAY TICKET OUT
FRANK SENIORIm sorry, Frankie. Ive got no room to move here.
FRANK JUNIORRULES OF THE ROAD SAY DONT LOOK BACKEYES STRAIGHT
AHEAD, DONT JUMP THE TRACKTRY A NEW GAMEAND PRAY THAT I CAN WIN
19'CAUSE I JUST DON'T FEEL AT HOME IN MINESO I'LL SLIP NOWINTO
SOMEONE ELSE'S SKIN
(And as the music hits a driving groove, Frank Juniorturns and
The Family Court disappears. Frank is on the street,COMMUTERS
hurrying to and fro.)
COMMUTERSHOO-HOO, HOO HOO
(The RAILROAD AGENT appars and Frank Juniorapproaches. He holds
out a couple of crumpled bills)
FRANK JUNIOROne for Grand Central Station, please.
RAILROAD AGENTRound trip is five dollars. One way is three. You
(The Railroad Agent holds up the bills. MUSICCHANGES. Lights
change, isolating Frank Junior.He looks at us, and speaks rapidly,
without pause, asthe Railroad Agent continues as if Frank Junior
isstill just in the scene with him.)
FRANK JUNIOROkay, so I didn't really know what I was doing, I
just knew I had to get out, and I'm not proud of this but
myinstincts took over. Misdirection. Maintain eye contact. Keep
talking. And I take my money back from the ticketseller and I make
(He does, using a nifty bit of sleight-of-hand.
and I spin some tale about meeting my grandmother at Idlewild
while I ask for my change, even though hedoesn't owe me any
RAILROAD AGENTWait, what?
FRANK JUNIOR but I keep talking, and waiting for my change, or
in this case my money back, and in his confusion he thinks heowes
me change, and he gives me two dollars, so now I have four dollars
which is enough for my one way ticket toManhattan, because I don't
plan on coming back
(The Railroad Agent takes the money from FrankJunior, who turns
to go, but:)
RAILROAD AGENTHold it!
Like I said, I'm not proud of it, but you do what you have to
do. I had to find a way out, and this is the way I found.
(MUSIC STARTS TO BUILD as hecontinues.)
They wanted me to choose ... and I chose. The New Haven line.
Track Two, the ten-fifteen to New York City!
FRANK JUNIORRUN DOWN THE STREETRUN OUT OF TOWNI'M GONNA RUNFROM
THE HOME TEAMAND NEVER TOUCH DOWN
RUN FROM THE BOOKS'CAUSE IT'S ALL BEEN A FAKEI'M GONNA RUNFROM
THE CHOICESTHAT I DON'T WANNA MAKE
SCHOOL'S NOT OUT BUT I CAN'T WAITIT'S THE PERFECT TIME TO
GRADUATETODAYI'VE GOTTA RUN AWAY NOWI'VE GOT TO RUN AWAY
I KNOW THEY'LL SEE THE TRUTHWHEN I MOVE ONTHEY'LL NEED EACH
OTHER MUCH MOREONCE I'M GONE
AND WHEN I'M FLUSHAND HE'S BACK ON HIS FEETI'LL PICK HIM UP AND
RIDEDOWN EASY STREET
NO TIME TO CRY FOR ALL THE YEARSA RUSTY GAS TANKFULL OF
TEARSGETS YOU NOWHERENOT THE PLACES I WANT IN
AND I JUST DON'T FEEL AT HOME IN MINESO I'LL SLIP NOWINTO
SOMEONE ELSE'S SKIN.SOMEONE ELSE'S SKIN.SOMEONE ELSE'S SKIN.SOMEONE
COMMUTERSRUN DOWN THE STREETRUN OUT OF TOWN
RUN FROM THE BOOKS'CAUSE IT'S ALL BEEN A FAKE
AH AHAH AHTODAYHOO-HOOHOO-HOO
FULL OF TEARS
AH-AH AH-AHAH-AH AH-AHSOMEONE ELSE'S SKIN.SOMEONE ELSE'S
SKIN.SOMEONE ELSE'S SKIN.
(MUSIC CONTINUES as we TRANSITION TO:)
21Scene 5: Chase Bank, Manhattan
(On applause from SOMEONE ELSES SKIN,Frank Junior comes
downstage to speak to us.)
FRANK JUNIORAnd now, ladies and gentlemen, a word from our
(He gestures, and three ATTRACTIVEASSISTANTS come dancing
These great products can help you survive your first few weeks
in New York with just fifty checks and a driver'slicense.
(Three ATTRACTIVE ASSISTANTS bring in theproducts as Frank
describes them. A FOURTHATTRACTIVE ASSISTANT holds Franks
Swiss Army Penknives can help you alter the age on your driver's
license. Because a sixteen-year-old cashing acheck or opening an
account by himself
SWISS ARMY KNIFE ASSISTANT(with Swiss Army knife)
gets a lot of questions!
FRANK JUNIORHiggins brand Genuine Original India Ink flows
easily through your pen or brusha few dabs on your license,you're
ten years older.
INDIA INK ASSISTANT(with bottle of ink)
And no one can tell the difference!
FRANK JUNIORElmer's Glue is perfect for the craftsperson of any
age who needs to change their name. With a pair of scissors youcan
cut and paste names from other documents, and you're officially
Frank Taylor Junior. And if Frank Taylorwears out his welcome
ELMERS GLUE ASSISTANT(with Elmer's Glue)
You can be Frank Adams!
ATTRACTIVE ASSISTANT #2 Or Frank Conners.
ATTRACTIVE ASSISTANT #1Or William Taylor.
SWISS ARMY KNIFEA SNIP,
A TOUCH OF GLUE
THREE ASSISTANTSAND YOULL BE GOOD TO GO
FRANK JUNIORBIG THANKS TO ALL OUR SPONSORS!
THREE ASSISTANTSNOW, RIGHT BACK TO THE SHOW!
(As the Assistants dance off Stage Left, Hanrattyenters from
HANRATTYI know, I know. Very entertaining. Very good.
FRANK JUNIORLadies and Gentlemen! Its our very special guest
star, Mister Hanratty.
HANRATTY(Hanratty comes downstage to us.)
What hes leaving out folks, in his charming fashion, is the fact
that in just a few short months this guy had soakedjust about every
branch of Chase Manhattan in the five boroughs and in northern New
Jersey. He opened accountsall over the tri-state area, and dropped
rubber in just about every hotel, grocery store, and dry cleaners
from here toHoboken. He was the Johnny Appleseed of fraud.
FRANK JUNIORMister Hanratty, thanks for stopping by, were going
to be seeing him of him in just a bit but right now theres amuch
more exciting turn of events.
(He escorts Hanratty toward the wings, then leaveshim to join a
BANK TELLER. But Hanratty staysand keeps speaking to us.)
HANRATTYHe didnt know his bad checks were on my desk. He didnt
know his mother had filed a missing-persons report. Hedidnt know
that his clock was ticking.
(Frank Junior is before DIANE, the Bank Teller at acounter.)
DIANE, BANK TELLERI'm sorry, Mister Taylor. We cant cash
FRANK JUNIORSay, Diane, I found this on the sidewalk out front,
and I think it might be yours
BANK TELLERI'm sorry, Mister Taylor, we have new restrictions on
Seems someone put out an F.B.I. bulletin.
BANK TELLERIf you'd like to leave us your home phone number, we
can hold on to this
(Frank Junior drops the necklace in his valise, slidesthe check
off the counter, backs away.)
You know, thank you, but I'm late. For an appointment. With my
(He backs away, but Hanratty stops him.)
HANRATTYHes going to try six more bankssame story. We were on
FRANK JUNIORThen why didnt he catch me?
HANRATTYOnly a matter of time.
FRANK JUNIORMister Hanrattys jumping ahead. He and I dont even
meet face to face for months yet. Right now, hes still stuckat his
(comes down to talk to us)
Trying to put it all together. See, when my first fifty checks
ran out, I bought a little printing press and I made myown. While I
was producing more rubber than a tire factory, Mister Hanratty and
his team were trying to find mytrail.
(MUSIC. Frank Junior sings.)
LIVE IN LIVING COLOR (Reprise)
FRANK JUNIORAND THOUGH IM LIVE IN LIVING COLORAT THE FBI THE
SHOWS IN BLACK AND WHITE.
(He drops a colorful check, and a load of black and whitechecks
rain down from the flies, onto Hanratty and into theopen elevator
Scene 6: F.B.I. Office
The elevators begin to lift the FBI office into view.
AgentsBRANTON, COD, and DOLLAR are drowning in checks andwe
CODDollar! What have you done!
BRANTONYeah, Dollar, the next time we tell you to move file
boxes, and you stack them ten high, could you make sure youreunder
them when they fall?
HANRATTYLeave the kid alone.
BRANTONCome on, Hanratty. We always give the rookies a hard
time. Dont you remember how they razzed you?
HANRATTYYes, and its an experience I see no reason to repeat.
Now listen, we have three or four major-league
paperhangerssomewhere in this mess, so we are going to sort it out,
even if it means we drop dead at our desks and our fossilizedbones
are discovered in some archeological dig in the twenty-first
CODCmon Hanratty its 4:45. Its Thanksgiving.
HANRATTYListen We do the job because it's the job and as long as
I'm Interim Second Assistant Special Agent in Charge ofthe Bank
Fraud and Forgery Subdivision, North Atlantic region thank you very
much we will do the job untilits done. Thanksgiving or no
BRANTONThats easy for you to say, Hanratty. Some of us still
HANRATTYLow blow, Agent Branton. And, by the way, go home for
lunch one of these days, unannounced, and see how thatworks out for
(The men laugh.)
DOLLARHe got you there.
BRANTONShouldnt you be in another department? Like maybe
DOLLARI was auditing background checks for the Library of
Congress and I asked for a transfer. I requested somethingwhere I
could use my gun. I like guns. And cars. Anything loud or fast,
How about Shelley Winters? Shes loud and fast. Come on, Dollar,
I know that this job is not as exciting asfieldwork, or
Or a long, slow death.
HANRATTYand maybe nobody knows you're down here. But he does. Oh
yeah, he does. The one you're after. He knows.And the day you catch
him, and you will, the day you slap those cuffs on him and watch
them haul him away (musicunder) oh, now this is interesting (more
music under). This is very, very interesting.
BRANTONI know you think so, and thats the sad thing.
HANRATTYLook at these two. Hes changing the MICR numbers on the
DOLLARMicker? Micker Mouse?
CODWho the hell is Micker Mouse?
HANRATTYMICR! MICR! M-I-C-R. Magnetic Ink Character Recognition.
Jiminy Christmas, Frank Taylor must've got hishands on a MICR
(looks at the other check)And Frank Williams too. Look here. If
you change a zero-two to a one-two, a check that was cashed in New
Yorkgets rerouted all the way to San Francisco and its weeks before
the bank that cashed it knows theyre bad.
DOLLARYou mean those numbers at the bottom the check actually
HANRATTYThey mean that Frank Taylor and Frank Williams and
William Franklin are the same person. They mean that he canstay in
one place and write bad checks for weeks and weeks. And that means
there must be thousands more checksjust like this out there more
bum checks than a Prague prison!
(A second load of checks drops.)
BRANTON, COD + DOLLARNooooo!
HANRATTYAnd that means no Christmas for you MICR mouse.
(He points at Cod.)And no Hanukah either.
(MUSIC. Frank Junior returns and the men sweepthe checks onto
the lifts as we TRANSITION TO:)
Scene 7: Outside the Tudor Hotel, Manhattan, and in the
(As soon as the deck is clear, the elevators begin tosink out of
sight. And Frank Junior )
FRANK JUNIORWell, that should keep Mister Hanratty busy for a
while. But unfortunately he was right. My clock was ticking.
I'dalways wanted to be good at something. Now I was really good ...
at passing bad checks. I was a crook, nothingmore, and the shelf
life was getting shorter. But then one day, I went walking past the
Tudor Hotel on 42nd Street,and destiny came walking out those
He almost collides with a beautiful young Pan AmSTEWARDESS
emerging, travel bags in hand.)
FRANK JUNIOROh!! Excuse me.
(He takes her measure.)
STEWARDESS #1 (CINDY)Thats quite all right.
(She continues past him, as Frank watches, agape. ASECOND
STEWARDESS comes through the door.)
STEWARDESS #2 (MINDY)Excuse me.
FRANK JUNIORKinda late to be checking out, isn't it?
STEWARDESS #2 (MINDY)We all have evening flights.
FRANK JUNIOR"We all. ..?"
(A parade of STEWARDESSES, all in the same PanAm outfit, march
in through the door, satchels inhand. He bobs and weaves as they
FRANK JUNIOROh, Iexcuse mewhoops!hello, there ...
(to us)Are you seeing this?
(STEWARDESS #3 bumps him on her way by ...)
STEWARDESS #3 (LINDY)Oh! Excuse me.
No ... excuse me. Um. Who are you all waiting for?
THE STEWARDESSESThe pilots.
(Frank Junior blinks.STINGER.He smiles at us, then at her.)
Excuse me, miss ... I've been training as a pilot. Is Pan Am
STEWARDESS #1 (CINDY)Aren't you sweet. Here.
(She pulls a business card from her bust. It's thewrong one. She
pulls another; then the third time'sthe charm:)
Here it is. Talk to Jerry Taylor, VP of personnel. Tell him
Cindy sent you.
FRANK JUNIORThank you, Miss Cindy. Tell meis flying everything
it's cracked up to be?
STEWARDESS #1 (CINDY)The only thing better than flyingis what
happens on the ground.
(Frank Junior steps downstage: our host.)
FRANK JUNIOR(to us, our host:)
Ladies and gentlemen, Cindy, Mindy, Lindy, Kelly, Shellie,
Nellie, Sherrie, Terri, Karrie, and Jane.I like to call them ...
"The Jet Set."
SONG: THE JET SET
CINDYWOKE UP IN BROOKLYNWITH A FROWN UPON MY FACE
(One by one, the other Stewardesses join her, tellingFrank
Junior how it is.)
MINDYJUST LEFT WISCONSINWHERE THERE'S CHEESE ENOUGHTO START THIS
CINDYBUT THANKS TO THE BROTHERS WRIGHT
CINDY + MINDYWE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'LL SLEEP TONIGHT
YEAH, I'M A BIRD IN THE SKIES
MINDYAND TOMORROW WHEN I RISE
LINDYI'LL WAKE UP IN PARISWITH A NEW LOVE IN MY HEART
JANEOR MAYBE GERMANYWITH THAT BRAND NEW PETI MET IN
KELLIESKIES THE LIMIT, TIME TO PLAYI'LL PUT DOWN ROOTS SOME
SHELLIENO NEED TO BE A LONELY JOE
STEWARDESSESTHE JET-SET IS THE
SHELLIEONLY WAY TO GO
(One Stewardess pulls a pair of horn-rimmed glasses from
hersatchel and puts them on Frank Junior. Another Stewardessopens
her satchel, and he takes out a camera and a notebook.A PAN AM
PAN AM EXECUTIVESo you're the kid writing the article for the
FRANK JUNIOR(turns to him, now a high school kid)
Yes sir. Frank Black from Monroe High School. I want to know
everything there is to know about being a Pan Ampilot. For
instance, what does it mean when one pilot says to another pilot,
"I've been on the same equipment allweek, jumpin' puddles for the
weak and weary?"
PAN AM EXECUTIVEMeans they've been flying the same plane, short
flights, mostly commuters.
FRANK JUNIORAnd what about those I.D. badges that I've seen
PAN AM EXECEvery pilot has to have it with him at all times.
It's an airline personnel badge, like this one here from Pan
FRANK JUNIORThank you for your time, sir! Can I get a
PAN EXECOh, sure.
29(Frank Junior points the camera right at his ID
FRANK JUNIORGot it!
(The Executive goes and the Stewardesses are back.)
STEWARDESSESWOULDJA LIKE NEW MUSIC AND MYSTERYEACH AND
EVERYDAYLOSE THE SAME OLD MUSIC AND HISTRYMAKE A NEW FRIEND THENFLY
(One Stewardess brings Frank Junior an in-flight cartwith
familiar sponsor products: Penknife, scissors,glue, India ink.
Frank holds up a blank piece ofpaper, and goes to work making a Pan
STEWARDESSES (CONT'D)AND WAKE UP IN TEXASWHERE THEY TREAT THEIR
WOMEN RIGHTAND THEN TRY HOLLYWOODWHERE THE STARS GET LITOUT IN
ANY CITY, NEAR OR FARFEELS TWICE AS GOOD AS WHERE YOU AREWHEN
YOURE SICK OF THE STATUS QUOTHE JET-SET ISTHE ONLY WAY TO GO
(Frank Junior holds up his completed badge.)
FRANK JUNIORMy Pan Am pilot's badge! How cool is that?
A TAILOR enters, measuring tape and note pad inhand.
TAILORAwfully young to be a pilot, aren't ya?
FRANK JUNIORI get that a lot. I'm just a co-pilot.
TAILORWhy so nervous?
FRANK JUNIORHow would you feel if you lost your uniform your
first week on the job?
Ah, I hear you. That'll be one forty-three ninety-seven.
FRANK JUNIORCan I write you a check?
TAILORNono checks, no cash. Just need your employee number.
(He pulls out a form and begins to fill it out. Franktries to
read it upside down, to count spaces fornumbers:)
FRANK JUNIORSure. It's. Six. One. Four ... Three.(?) Four (?)
(But before he gets the next number out, the Tailornods,
finished, and Frank Junior pulls it back.)
TAILORGreat! I'll bill Pan Am, they'll take it out of your next
FRANK JUNIORThats why Pan Am will always be around.
(Frank Junior and the Tailor go as the PILOTS enterwith
ALL PILOTSWOULDJA LIKE A SLEIGH RIDE, A HAYRIDE?THEN KIDDO, JUST
STAY HOMEBUT, IF YOU WANT JET-SET THEN GET SETTO LEAVE BEHIND
KANSASTHERES NO PLACE LIKE ROME
ALL STEWARDESSESWAKE UP IN RIOHAVE YOUR COFFEE IN BRAZIL
EVERYONEWHEN REAL LIFE GETS YOU DOWNTAKE A FAR-OUT, ONE-WAYTRIP
ALL PILOTSSWEDISH, GREEK OR JAPANESE
ALL STEWARDESSESA STEWARDESS IS TRAINED TO PLEASE
ALLSO IF YOUVE GOT WHAT IT TAKES BELOWWELL THEN FLY THIS BIRD
LIKE CUPIDS BOWCAUSE THE JET SET'S JUST A HOLIDAYYEAH THE JET SET
GOESUP, UP AND AWAY ... SO FLY!
(Frank Junior joins them, his uniform at last perfect,cap and
aviators on. A stunning sight.)
RIGHT DOWN TO IT'LY FOR LA BELLA FEMINAJUMP IN A FOUNTAIN
ALLFOR A BIG DOSE OF LA DOLCE VITA
FRANK JUNIORIF YOUR TASTES RUN MORE RISQU
TWO STEWARDESSESWELL THEN, WE KNOW A JOINT IN OLD BOMBAY
ALLSO HANG ON TIGHTLETS LOOP DE LOOPITS TIME TO FLYTHIS CHICKEN
SO PACK UP YOUR SUITCASECHECK YOUR WORRIES AT THE GATECOME OUT
AND PLAY BOYCRUISE THE WORLD TO FINDYOUR PERFECT PLAYMATE
FRANK JUNIORTHINGS LOOK BETTER FROM ABOVESO BUCKLE UP, NEXT STOP
ALLFROM TIMBUKTU TO TOKYOFROM MOZAMBIQUE TO MEXICOTHE JET SET IS
THEONLY WAY TO GO
FRANK JUNIORBABBADA BOP BOOP BAH BADOOBA DOO-OH!
(MUSIC begins again. As the others exit, Frank comes downcenter
to take the elevator down. The doors open and offsteps Cheryl Ann
getting off the elevator of the St. RegisHotel.
Scene 8: The St. Regis Hotel, Manhattan
CHERYL ANNNice uniform.
FRANK JUNIORDont I know you from somewhere?
CHERYL ANNMaybe. I was on the cover of Seventeen ... a few years
FRANK JUNIORSure you're that model! Cheryl Annsomethingin the
Plaza. Could I get your autograph?
CHERYL ANNDo you have a pen ... in your room?
FRANK JUNIORI think I do.
(As they head up the stairs, she starts removing herouter
CHERYL ANNSo. Captain.
FRANK JUNIORCall me Frank.
CHERYL ANNFrank. Are you going to make me an offer?
FRANK JUNIORI'm sorry an offer for what?
CHERYL ANNA man like you can buy anything he wants. What's a
night worth? With me?
FRANK JUNIORI gosh, I really don't know, Cheryl. Um. Three
(She closes her coat and heads back to the elevator.)Five
(She gets on the elevator)A thousand dollars?
(She stops the elevator doors from closing)
CHERYL ANNOne thousand dollars.
I have to cash a check.
CHERYL ANNYou think this hotel is going to cash a thousand
dollar check at three a.m.?
FRANK JUNIOR(pulls one out)
They've done it for me before. It's a cashier's check.
CHERYL ANN(inspecting it)
Endorse it over to me.
FRANK JUNIORIt's for fourteen hundred.
CHERYL ANNYou give me the check ...
(pulling cash from her bust)... and I'll give you four hundred
FRANK JUNIOREven better.
(MUSIC. She hands him the check and the cash asthey disappear
together down the elevator lift)
34Scene 9: A Firing Range, FBI Training Ground, Quantico, VA
(As Frank Junior leaves with Cheryl Ann, Hanrattyand the men
enter. Hanratty takes aim and fires. )
BRANTONHanratty, why the hell'd you drag us out to Quantico?
This guys a pen and ink man. A paperhanger. He probablydoesnt even
carry a gun.
HANRATTYWere getting closer to this guy and you need to bone up
on some of the skills youve let slide sitting in thatbasement
sipping peppermint schnapps out of your coffee cup.
BRANTONBut we can't fix a location on him. One day he's in
Dallas. The next he's in Stuttgart. Rome. Barcelona.
CODHes gone global. The last bad checks came from Liechtenstein.
Where the hell is Liechtenstein?
HANRATTYThe principality of Liechtenstein is a landlocked alpine
country in Western Europe bordered by Switzerland to thewest and
south and Austria to the east. And if our UnSub thinks he can hide
there hes sorely mistaken.
BRANTONIts just forgery, Hanratty. Theres no way the Bureaus
gonna give us travel money for Liechtenwhatsit.
HANRATTYThis guy's just a forger like Mickey Mantle is just a
hitter. He's not playing the game, boys. He's making the rules.No.
No. He's a true talent.
CODJesus, Hanratty. You want to arrest him or hire him?
HANRATTYI see him in my sleep. Sixtyish, salt-and-pepper, tall.
He's Old School, a virtuoso. He's been honing his craft foryears.
Years I tell you. But they always make a mistake. It's the
overconfidence. Or the wine. Or the women.
(Bullets WHIZ and DING and they duck for cover.)
BRANTONWhat the hell!
You know, if shooting people is anything like target practice,
it's very disappointing. I didn't feel a thing.
HANRATTYJudas Priest, Dollar! This job is not about shooting at
people. Its not about punching the clock waiting forretirement, or
sneaking off for quickies with the secretaries on three. This job
is about just one guy. Frank Taylora.k.a. Frank Williams a.k.a.
William Franklin. Hes out there somewhere, he is toying with me. He
is taunting me.
CODCmon, Hanratty. He doesnt even know you exist.
HANRATTYHe will. Believe it. He will.
Okay, okay. Stay cool.
I will not stay cool. I have never been cool and I dont intend
to start now.
BRANTONHanratty, were you always like this?
HANRATTYLong as I can remember.
I think I was born this way. Other kids wanted to play cops and
robbers. I only wanted to play cops.
(Frank Junior appears ...)
FRANK JUNIORLadies and gentlemen ... Carl Hanratty.
(... and disappears.)
SONG: BREAKING ALL THE RULES
HANRATTYIT STARTS VERY EARLYONCE THE BABY TOYS ARE GONEA KID ON
THE PLAYGROUNDHAS TO CHOOSE WHAT SIDE HE'S ON
IT'S THE BULLIES OR THE GOOD GUYSBOY, THERE IS NO MIDDLE
GROUNDTHOUGH HOODLUMS TRY TO BLUR THE LINEAND TWIST THE TRUTH
THEN THEY CALL THEMSELVES A WINNERBUT THEY'RE SELF-DECEIVING
FOOLS'CAUSE THE GAME AIN'T WORTH WINNINGIF YOU'RE BREAKING ALL THE
THE LAW IS LAYED UPON USWHEN AS KIDS WE FIRST ASK "WHY?"OUR
PARENTS SET THE RULESWHEN "'CAUSE I SAID SO," THEY REPLY
AND THOUGH I THOUGHT I HATED THEMAND SCREAMED WITH ALL MY
MIGHTTHE NEXT TIME THAT I HAD A CHOICEGEE WHIZ! I DID WHAT'S
NO, I NEVER SNUCK A DRINKI NEVER STOLE A PACK OF "KOOLS"'CAUSE
THE GAME AIN'T WORTH WINNINGIF YOU'RE BREAKING ALL THE RULES
OR ELSE WERE LIVINGIN THE WILD, WILD WEST
GODS KEEPING SCOREAND YOU DONT WANNA FAIL THAT TEST
YOU THUMB YOUR NOSERIGHT AT THE LIFE FOR WHICH I STRIVE
BUT THOSE RULES, THOSE LAWSKEEP US ALIVE.
IT STARTED BACK WITH MOSESWHEN HE LED AROUND THE JEWS
AND CLIMBED WAY UP THAT MOUNTAINTO PICK UP GODS DAILY NEWS
HE SCHLEPPED UP OLD MT. SINAICRIED AND BEGGED ON THEIR
HE ALMOST DROPPED THOSE TABLETSWHEN HE SAW THAT GOLDEN CALF
NOW WE TEACH THE TEN COMMANDMENTSEVERY SUNDAY IN OUR SCHOOLS
CAUSE THE GAME AINT WORTH WINNING IFYOURE BREAKING ALL THE
I GUESSTHE CONSTITUTION, BOYS,TO SOME IS TOO COMPLEX
THEY THINKOUR FOUNDING FATHERS FOUGHTSO THEY COULD FORGE SOME
THEY SEE THEMSELVESAS ROBIN HOODSTEALING FROM THE RICH
NOT PAYING BACKTHE THINGS THEY TAKEWELL PAYBACK IS A BITCH
CAUSE THE WORLD AINT SHERWOOD FORESTYOU CANT GIVE AWAY THOSE
JEWELSAND THE GAME AINT WORTH WINNINGIF YOURE BREAKING ALL THE
OR ELSE WERE LIVINGIN THE WILD, WILD WEST
GODS KEEPING SCOREAND YOU DONT WANNA FAIL THAT TEST
MENDONT BREAK THE RULES
DONT BREAK THE RULES
DONT BREAK THE RULES
THOSE RULES, THOSE LAWSKEEP US ALIVE.
TELL ME THE NEWS
EVERY SUNDAY IN OUR SCHOOLS
AND BABY I GUESS
THEY SEE THEMSELVES
DONTCHA KNOW THEYRENOT PAYING BACK
YOU CANT GIVE AWAY THOSE JEWELS
DONT BREAK THE RULES
DONT BREAK THE RULES
YOU THUMB YOUR NOSERIGHT AT THE LIFE FOR WHICH I STRIVE
BUT THOSE RULES, THOSE LAWSKEEP US ALIVE!
WHEN YOU STEAL SOMEBODYS MONEYSCREW HIS DAUGHTER OR HIS WIFE
YOU DONT THINK OF REPERCUSSIONSAS YOU TAP DANCE THROUGH YOUR
THOUGH YOU SMILE LIKE YOURE A HEROYOURE AN OUTLAW
BUT THE ODDS ARE IN MY FAVOR, MANAND ONE DAY ILL CATCH YOU
SO, GO SNEAKINTO A MOVIERUN A RED LIGHT, SELL SOME POT
ITS ALL THE SAME TO MEYOURE EITHER GUILTY OR YOURE NOT
IF WE ALL DID WHAT WE WANTEDEVERY TIME WE FELT THE URGE
THE WORLD WOULD BEIN TOTAL CHAOSITS ALREADY ON THE VERGE
CAUSE, ITS LAWS THAT KEEP US HUMANCAUSE WITHOUT THEMWERE JUST
MULESANDTHE GAME AINT WORTH WINNINGI SAYTHE GAME AINT WORTH
WINNINGOH OH OHTHE GAME AINT WORTH WINNINGIF YOURE BREAKING ALL THE
OR ELSE WERE LIVINGIN THE WILD, WILD WEST
GODS KEEPING SCOREAND YOU DONT WANNA FAIL THAT TEST
YOU THUMB YOUR NOSEAT THE LIFE FOR WHICH I STRIVE
THOSE LAWS, BABY
DONT BREAK THE RULES
BUT THOSE RULES, THOSE LAWSKEEP US ALIVE!US ALIVE!OOH-OOH
BOP!OOH-OOHYOURE AN OUTLAWTHROUGH AND THROUGH
AND ONE DAY ILL CATCH YOU
SO, GO SNEAK
DOO-WOP, DOO-WOP, WOW!
THE WORLD WOULD BEIN TOTAL CHAOS
CAUSE WITHOUT THEMWERE JUST MULES
THE GAME AINT WORTH WINNING
THE GAME AINT WORTH WINNING
THE GAME AINT WORTH WINNING
DONT BREAK THE RULES
DONT BREAK THE RULES
DONT BREAK THE RULES
BUT THOSE RULES THOSE LAWS
THOSE RULES THOSE LAWS
THOSE RULES THOSE LAWS
38KEEP US ALIVE! KEEP US ALIVE!
HANRATTYAll right, back to work. Crime doesnt take a
(The FBI Agents scatter.
Frank Junior enters with his suitcase. A lovelySTEWARDESS enters
with a clipboard.)
STEWARDESSGood morning, First Officer. Are you my deadhead
FRANK JUNIORYes, maam. Been on the same equipment all week,
jumpin puddles for the weak and weary.
STEWARDESSFirst class is full, but Ive got the jump seat open.
Come on aboard.
STEWARDESSBe sure to watch out for that Skywayman.
(The Stewardess hands him a newspaper, opened andfolded to an
article. Frank Jr. scans it.
Branton and Dollar enter opposite.)
BRANTONYoure dangerous, kid. Who the hell taught you to
DOLLARMy daddy taught me how to turn a mister into a missus at a
BRANTONYeah ... I dont really want to know about that.
(Hanratty enters, and Cod follows him in, with aflyer in
CODHanratty. I'm gonna regret this, but look at this field
(Hanratty grabs and scans it.)
HANRATTY + FRANK JUNIOR(overlapping; not in unison)
The Skywayman. All the airlines are after him ... posing as an
airline pilot ... flying all over the world ...
They don't know how he does it.
CODMaybe he forged some credentials?
FRANK JUNIORThe Skywayman.
HANRATTYMaybe he's a master con artist.
FRANK JUNIORLike a superhero.
HANRATTYMaybe ... he drops rubber everywhere he goes.
FRANK JUNIORCrazy world we live in. I'll have to look out for
(Frank Junior gives the paper back to the Hotel Clerkand exits.
HANRATTYNice work, Cod. All right, boys. We're checking every
airport hotel, motel, cafe, and commissary on the Easternseaboard.
We just became front page news.
(MUSIC. Hanratty and the boys exit and we go right to theLatin
Scene 10: The Latin Quarter, New York City
(A floor show is just finishing, with the girls dressedin
SONG: THE PINSTRIPES ARE ALL THAT THEY SEE (REPRISE)
SHOWGIRLSUNDERNEATH IS MY UNIFORMALL IN SILK, FROM PAREEA MAN
CAN MAKE PASSESOR USE X RAY GLASSESBUT! PINSTRIPES ARE ALL THAT
(Frank Senior makes his way through the beautifulgirlswho give
him a little love. Frank Junior, inuniform, waits at their
FRANK SENIORThis place ... something else. They have a guy to
give towels to the guy who gives you towels.
FRANK JUNIORI heard about it in Paris. I thought it might be
just the place to take you when I got back to the States.
FRANK SENIORMy son the birdman. Where're you flying that plane
FRANK JUNIORWell, I don't really fly. I'm sort of just a
FRANK JUNIORLos Angeles.
FRANK SENIORLook at us, Frankie. On top of the world.
FRANK JUNIORDad. I went by the store today.
FRANK SENIORI had to close the store for a while. It's all a
matter of timing, Frank. The goddamn government knows that, they
hityou when you're down. I wasn't going to let them take it from
me. So I just shut the doors myself. Called their bluff.Sooner or
later, they'll forget about me.
(Frank Junior slides a thick envelope across thetable.)
FRANK SENIORWhat's this?
FRANK JUNIORLet's open up the store, Dad. Pay off the Feds. Get
things back the way they were. I can help out now.
FRANK SENIORKeep it. You got your own worries.
FRANK JUNIORI'm fine. There's plenty more where this came from,
FRANK SENIORThat's fine, Frankie. Take good care of
FRANK JUNIORBut maybe if Mom saw
FRANK SENIORDo I look like I need your help?
(A moment.Frank Sr. to bartender.)
Double Bourbon.(Back to Frank Junior.)
Don't worry about your mom and me. She's stubborn, always has
been. She's a formidable woman. But I won't lether go without a
FRANK JUNIORIf she saw you had the store back
FRANK SENIORTwo hundred soldiers in that tiny social hall,
watching her dance. I didn't speak a word of French. And six
weekslater, she was my wife.
FRANK JUNIORShe could be again.
FRANK SENIORI don't know, Frankie.
FRANK JUNIORListen, Dad, everything's different now. I got this
great job. I make lots of money. I can have breakfast in Rome,lunch
in Miami, and dinner in San Francisco. I can snap my fingers
(He raises his hand, snaps his fingers twice. MUSIC.)
and strike up an orchestra.
FRANK SENIORAnd here I thought you were just a copilot.
FRANK JUNIORI can be anything you need me to be. Because I
learned from the best.
42SONG: BUTTER OUTTA CREAM
FRANK JUNIORREMEMBER THAT STORY I LEARNED AT YOUR FEETWELL NOW
ITS MY TURN, TAKE A SEAT
TWO LITTLE MICE OF GREAT RENOWNFELL IN SOME MILK AND ONE
PROCEEDED TO DROWNTHE OTHER ONES STILL THE TOAST OF THE TOWNCAUSE
HE MADE BUTTER OUTTA CREAM
HE LOOKED AROUND, DEDUCED HIS PLIGHTSAID THIS IS NO WAY TO SPEND
A SATURDAY NIGHT!BUT HE HAD THE STYLE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHTSO HE
MADE BUTTER OUTTA CREAM
HE KICKED HIS LEGS UPHE TOSSED AND TURNEDSO NOT TO END UP A
GHOSTHE DID THE HOKEY-POKEYTILL THE CREAM WAS CHURNEDTHEN BABY, HE
WALKED RIGHT OUTAND BUTTERED HIS TOAST
NOW HES ON TOP FOR GOODNESS SAKESYEAH, HES THE BIG CHEESE UP AT
LAND O LAKESHES LIVING PROOF THAT POP ALL IT TAKESIS A SCHEMESO IF
YOU LAND IN THE GUTTERJUST MAKE BUTTER OUT OF CREAM
FRANK JUNIORYour turn, Dad.
FRANK SENIORNahyoure doing great.
FRANK JUNIORThis is a duet. Its Frank and Dean. Its not a solo
FRANK SENIORWell, you know ... there is one you havent told
FRANK SENIOR.THERE WAS A COCKROACH IN BRAZILGOT DRUNK AT THE
LOCAL COFFEE MILLHE THOUGHT HIS TIME WAS UP UNTILHE MADE COFFEE
WHEN HE CAME TO HE HEARD SUCH A SOUNDMUCH TO HIS SHOCK WHEN HE
LOOKED AROUNDHE HAD BEEN SCOOPED AND WAS ABOUT TO BE GROUNDSO, HE
MADE COFFEE OUT OF BEANS
43FRANK SENIOR (CONTD)
HE MARCHED TO THE SOUTHAND HE STOMPED TO THE NORTHHE HAD TO RACE
AGAINST FATEHE DID THE CUCARACHA WHILE THOSE TEARS POURED FORTHTHEN
SEOR, THINGS BEGAN TO PERCOLATE
HE HELD HIS BREATH AND SWAM TO THE TOPHE BORROWED BEANS FROM HIS
MOM AND POPAND OPENED UP HIS OWN COFFEE SHOPOUT IN QUEENS!WHEN HIS
LIGHTS WERE ALMOST OFFHE JUST MADE COFFEE OUTTA BEANS
FRANK JUNIORLets bring this one home, Dad!
FRANK SENIORAll right, Son!
BOTHSO THINK OF THOSE TWO WHEN LIFES THE PITS
FRANK SENIORTHE BUG
FRANK JUNIORAND THE MOUSE
BOTHAT THE END OF THEIR WITSTHEY KNEW THE KEY TO LIFEIS THAT ITS
WHA CHA DREAMSO IF LEMONS CLOG YOUR SINK UPDONT JUST STAND AROUND
AND SCREAMSPIKE SOME LEMONADE AND DRINK UPAND MAKE BUTTER OUT OF
FRANK SENIORJUST MAKE BUTTER OUT OF CREAM
FRANK JUNIORMAKE SOME BUTTER OUT OF CREAM
FRANK SENIORI HEAR WHAT YOURE SAYING, SONILL MAKE BUTTER OUT OF
Scene 11: Idlewild Airport Motel, Room 135
(Hanratty, Cod, and Dollar inspect a much-usedmotel room: comic
books, junk-food containers,crumpled papers. Branton appears at the
BRANTONHanaratty! The manager says he just checked out three
hours ago. Was here for almost a week. No forwarding.
CODLooks like he left in a hurry.
HANRATTYOkay fellows. Impress me.
(They begin to pore over the room, opening drawers,lifting
cushions, inspecting furniture.)
Mister Taylor, real name unknown, left us a goldmine.
DOLLAR(holds up a comic book)
The Flash. He likes comic books.
COD(holds up a pizza box and a jar of peanut butter)
He lives on junk food.
BRANTON(holds up a Playboy)
He has a breast fetish.
CODOh my god! It's Hanratty!
HANRATTYThat's funny, Cod. That's very funny. I'll make a note
to laugh later, when you're dead. Come on, people. What's hisnext
move? What goes on in the mind of an obsessive loner?
BRANTONWhy don't you tell us?
(Hanratty glares at Branton, then picks up thewastebasket, and
dumps the contents on the floor.)
HANRATTYA man's secrets are in his trash.
(The other agents look at the trash, then at Hanratty.)
BRANTONI'll take your word for it.
Branton, Cod, go canvas the other guests. Dollar, get license
plate numbers on every car in the lot. I'll process theroom.
(as the men leave)Right. Say, Hanratty. You ever look at your
(The other agents go.)
HANRATTYNo, no, no. Something doesn't jive here. The Flash?
Peanut butter? Maybe he's got a kid?
(Hanratty goes to work, picking through thegarbage.)
All right, Mister Taylor. I know you're in here somewhere.
SONG: THE MAN INSIDE THE CLUES
HANRATTYA COMIC BOOKA MISS JULYA MATCHBOOK FROM "THE FLAME"SOME
CHEWING GUMA MISMATCHED PAIR OF SHOES
A LETTER HOMETHAT WASNT MAILEDA CHECK WITHOUT A NAMEYEAH,
THEY'LL BE MY GUIDETO THE MAN INSIDE THE CLUES
(Lights on Frank Junior, in another hotel room, onthe phone. A
Elsewhere, Jack Barnes and Paula, in night clothes.Paula on the
PAULAHello? Hello? Frankie is that you?
JACK BARNESIs it him again?
JACK BARNESPaula, give me the phone.
PAULAFrankie, are you there?
(Frank Junior abruptly hangs up. Paula looks at Jackand shakes
her head. Lights fade on all three.)
HANRATTYA BOBBY PINTWO BASEBALL CARDSSOME DAY-OLD CHINESE
FOODTWO TICKET STUBSTHE RED SOX ALWAYS LOSE
46A VALENTINETHAT WASNT SENTA SCENT TO SET THE MOODWHEN I TAKE A
RIDEWITH THE MAN INSIDE THE CLUES
(Lights on Frank Junior, in yet another hotel room.)
FRANK JUNIORHi Miss Room Service, I'd like to place an order. I
know it's lateI just flew in from Ireland. Have you been there?It's
so beautifuloh, yeah, sure. I'll hold.
(Lights fade on him.)
HANRATTYDO NOT DISTURB IS ON THE DOORTHE MAID, SHE NEVER COMESHE
LOCKED THE DOORBUT I DON'T NEED A KEY
THERE'S ONLY GARBAGE ON THE FLOORTO OTHERS, THEY'RE JUST
CRUMBSTHOSE CRUMBS LOOK LIKEA FIVE-COURSE MEAL TO ME
(The other agents return.)
HANRATTY(hands him a crumpled sheet of paper)
Pan Am stationery.(reads)
"As a Pan Am pilot, my family flies for free. The two of you
should come out to Los Angeles with me.Maybe then --"
BRANTONThe two of who?
HANRATTYWho knows? But we know he's going to Los Angeles. And so
COD(as he and Branton turn to go)
Now that's the best idea he's had yet.
BRANTONHe could use the sun. If he were any more pale, he'd be
(The men exit. Hanratty moves to follow, but stops,and returns
to the room.)
I'VE LOOKED INTO SO MANY LIVESBUT NEVER AT MY OWNTHE TRAIL I
LEFT IS SUCH A DAMN CLICH
THE LONELY WIFE, THE HOUSE FOR SALEA MILLION NIGHTS ALONETO WISH
YOU HAD THE THINGS YOU THREW AWAY ...
LIKE A FRONT DOOR KEYA HOME COOKED MEALTHE HAPPY BRIDE AND
GROOMTHEN LIFE KICKS IN AND MAKES YOU PAY YOUR DUES
AND THEN YOU FINDYOU'RE BY YOURSELFIN A SINGLE MOTEL ROOMTHAT'S
BEEN OCCUPIED ...BY THE MAN INSIDETHE CLUESTHE MAN INSIDE THE
Scene 12: A Motel (Patio and Room) in Los Angeles.
Hanratty and men enter the patio with the MOTELMANAGER. We see
Frank, Junior laying on his bedin his room, listening to the
RADIO ANNOUNCEMENTKRLA Its currently a summer sixty five degrees
here in Los Angeles
MOTEL MANAGERHe wrote three checks. They all cleared. I was
gonna deposit this one today. I dont want any trouble.
HANRATTYThere wont be any trouble. Ill just take this check and
be on my way.
MOTEL MANAGERGood. I dont want my customers harassed.
HANRATTYYou mean hes still here?
HANRATTYI take the lead. You guys back me up. Dollar takes the
(Hanratty draws his gun. Dollar eagerly follows suit.)
Put it away.
(Dollar complies, glumly.)
If youre good little boys, Ill buy you all a Good Humor bar.
MOTEL MANAGERYou said there wouldnt be any trouble.
HANRATTYRelax, mister, youll get one, too.
(Hanratty proceeds, cautiously, gun drawn, to room201. The rest
exit, in other directions.)
Hanratty bursts in through the door ...)
(... but the room is empty. Hanratty slowly moves in,looking
over a bureau and table filled with theimplements of forgery.
From the bathroom, a FLUSH. Hanratty points hisgun.)
HANRATTYF.B.I.! Come out with your hands on your head.
(Frank Junior calmly emerges from the bathroom.Nods at Hanratty.
He's in a different, black suit.)
FRANK JUNIORGuy's got a MICR encoder, can you believe that?
HANRATTYDont move. Put your hands on your head or Ill shoot.
(Frank Junior ignores the gun pointed at him and walks to the
FRANK JUNIORHes got about two hundred checks herea gallon of
India ink, drafting gluehe even makes little payrollenvelopes
addressed to himself from Pan Am.
HANRATTYKeep your hands where I can see them.
FRANK JUNIORRelax, buddy, youre late. The name's Allen, Barry
Allen, United States Secret Service. Your man just tried to
climbout the windowmy partner has him in custody downstairs.
HANRATTYWhat are you talking about? Keep your hands on your
FRANK JUNIORYou think the F.B.I. are the only ones tracking this
guy? Hes been dabbling in government checks. Weve beenfollowing a
paper trail for months. We almost had him in New York, then in a
motel outside D.C. near Dullesairport. Would you mind taking that
gun out of my face? It makes me nervous.
HANRATTYLet me see some identification.
FRANK JUNIORHere, take my whole wallet.
(tosses him wallet)You want my gun, too?
HANRATTYNo, no. I wasnt expecting Secret Service on this.
FRANK JUNIORDont worry about it. Whats your name, anyway?
HANRATTYHanratty. Carl Hanratty.
FRANK JUNIORYou mind if I see some ID, Carl?
FRANK JUNIORSCant be too careful these days.
HANRATTYSure, sorry. Im just a little
(Hanratty indicates nerves with his hands.)
Here. Right here. (Hanratty hands Frank Junior his business
FRANK JUNIORTough luck, Carl. Five minutes earlier and you would
have landed yourself a pretty good collar.
HANRATTYThats okay, ten seconds later you would have been
(They laugh, then stop laughing. Frank Junior goes toa pitcher
of water and pours himself a drink andonly we can see he's
Hey, let me ask you something. What does he look like?
FRANK JUNIORHe's a handsome son of a bitch.
HANRATTYYeah? I had him figured for an older guy.
FRANK JUNIORHe is pretty damn old. He must be your age at
HANRATTYOkay. I asked for that one!
FRANK JUNIORJust do me a favor. Sit tight a minute while I get
some of this evidence downstairs. I dont want anyway walkingthrough
my crime scene.
(Frank Junior picks up the MICR machine and heads for the
FRANK JUNIORYou know, some maid comes in here and starts making
the bed. I hate when that happens.
FRANK JUNIOR(freezes, turns)
FRANK JUNIORHang on to it till I come back for the rest of the
stuff. I trust you.
HANRATTYYou shouldnt. That was a joke.
You got me, Carl.(Frank Junior smiles at him and goes.)
(unable to contain himself)We got him!
(He does a little victory dance.)
I love my job. I love it, I love it, I love it.
(He stops. Thinks a minute. Opens the wallet.Fingers through the
ID cards within.)
Frank Taylor. Frank Black. Frank Williams. Frank Fuck!
(The other three agents rush into the room.)
CODWhere is he?
HANRATTYI had him. He was right there!
BRANTONWhat are you talking about?
HANRATTYI let him convince me he was someone else. Barry Allen
from the Secret Service.
DOLLARBarry Allen? The Flash?
DOLLARBarry Allen is the alter ego of the Flash.
HANRATTYOh, Jesus Christ.
DOLLARWe all make mistakes, sir, it happens to the best of
HANRATTYNot to me. Not to me.
(Lights. Frank Junior in a spot. To us.)
FRANK JUNIORThat was close, wasn't it? Misdirection. Maintain
eye contact. Keep talking.
Mister Hanratty and his men caught the next plane back to DC.
And I ... I caught the one after that. I don't knowwhy. I guess I
always wanted to see our nation's capital at Christmas. The best
time of the year.
52Scene 13: A Hotel Room and the FBI Building, both Washington,
SONG: CHRISTMAS IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR (PARTY VERSION)
(The Stewardesses and Pilots party as Frank Juniorlooks on.)
PARTYGOERSANGELS SING, THE SOUNDS SUBLIMELISTEN TO THOSE CHURCH
BELLS CHIMECHRISTMAS IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR
(A few of the Stewardesses approach Frank Junior.)
LINDYWhats the matter, honey?
CINDYYou look pooped!
MINDYYou need a good long layover.
FRANK JUNIORI'm just going to get some air.
(Frank Junior struggles to extricate himself and getoffstage to
get his letter jacket on.)
(The Stewardesses and Pilots dance off as weTRANISTION TO
Hanratty's office. He's poringover documents with a loupe. Branton
BRANTONHanratty, come on. It's Christmas Eve. You're not going
to redeem yourself with the boys upstairs by having amiserable
(checks his watch without looking up)It's not Christmas Eve.
BRANTONYou want me to stay?
HANRATTYNo. You've got kids. Go home.
BRANTONMerry Christmas, Hanratty
(He goes. Hanratty's phone RINGS. He picks up.)
HANRATTYThis is Hanratty. Merry Christmas.
(Lights on Frank Junior at a pay phone.)
HANRATTYWho is this?
FRANK JUNIORIve been trying to track you down. Merry
HANRATTYBarry Allen, Secret Service! What do you want?
FRANK JUNIORI want to apologize for what happened out in Los
HANRATTYYeah? Screw you.
FRANK JUNIORCarl, Im sorry if I made a fool out of you.
HANRATTYGoddamn it, you don't feel sorry for me. The fact is, I
knew it was you. I did. Maybe I didnt pull the trigger but
FRANK JUNIORPeople only know what you tell them.
HANRATTYThen tell me something: how did you know I wouldnt look
in your wallet?
FRANK JUNIORI didnt.
HANRATTYYoure gonna get caught, you know that, dont you? One way
or another. Just like Vegasthe house always wins.
FRANK JUNIORI didnt think Id get you in. Its Christmas. I
thought maybe you had a family?
HANRATTYNo. No family.
FRANK JUNIORMe either.
SONG: MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR
HANRATTYYEAH, DONTCHA LOVE THE YULETIDE FUNTHERES JOY AND CHEER
FOR EVERYONEI WAIT FOR SANTA WITH A GUNYES, CHRISTMAS IS MY
FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR
FRANK JUNIORSOME SUGAR PLUMS I HAVENT KISSEDBUT MISTLETOE I MUST
RESISTCAUSE IM ON ST. CARLS MOST WANTED LIST
YES, CHRISTMAS IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR
(Lights on Frank Senior and Paula, separately.)
HANRATTY, FRANK JR, FRANK SR, PAULAAND THERES A HOMEWHERE YOU
CANT GOAND THERES A LIFE THATS FULL OF LOVEYOU USED TO KNOW
HANRATTYFOR ME ITS TRUE
FRANK SENIORBUT KID, NOT YOU
PAULACAUSE YOUR FAMILYS HERE
FRANK SENIOR & PAULAYEAH, THEYRE STILL YOURS TO HOLDIF
FRANK SENIOR & PAULA & HANRATTYCOME IN FROM THE COLD
(Lights fade on Frank Senior and Paula.)
HANRATTYSO, IF TOMORROW SANTAS FLOWNTHE TREE IS DOWN AND YOURE
ALONEI'M ALWAYS HERE, RIGHT BY THE PHONE
FRANK JUNIOR & HANRATTYYES CHRISTMAS IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF
HANRATTYWait a minute. Wait a minute. You didnt call me to
apologize, did you?
FRANK JUNIORWhat do you mean?
HANRATTYYouve got no one else to talk to.
FRANK JUNIOR(half beat)
I have to go.
(Frank Junior almost hangs up the phone. But stops.While
Hanratty waits on the other end of the phone,Frank Junior covers
the mouthpiece and turns to us.)
Mister Hanratty was right. It was a lonely life. But I was about
to meet someone, and she was gonna changeeverything.
(Lights on Brenda. She stops and looks in ourdirection,
But right now ... Tonight ...
(Brenda fades. Frank Junior turns back to the phone.)
FRANK JUNIORI'm still here.
HANRATTYSooner or later you'll get tired of running.
FRANK JUNIORSooner or later you'll get tired of chasing me.
HANRATTYNo I won't.
FRANK JUNIORLook out the window.
FRANK JUNIORJust do it.
(He sings.)ILL CALL YOU SOON, BUT WHO KNOWS WHEN
HANRATTYAND, FRANK, I HOPE WELL MEET AGAINLIKE WHEN YOURE
SERVING EIGHT TO TEN
BOTHYES, CHRISTMAS IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR
(Hanratty sees Frank Junior in the pay phone booth.Frank Junior
jumps off the stage and disappears upthe aisle of the theatre.)
Hes a kid.(to us)
Hes a kid.SONG ENDS.
END OF ACT ONE
Scene 1: The FBI Building, Washington, DC
(As the Entre' Acte ends, we see Hanratty and histhree men,
huddled in a hallway.)
HANRATTYLook, it's simple. We know he's a kid. We find out who's
responsible for the kid. So we check out every runawayteen and
missing student in the tri-state area over the past three
I pulled a list from the mainframe.(He pulls out a sheet of
paper, which just keepscoming.)
We just go to each address and ask to see a family photo.
DOLLAR (voice over)How long will that take?
HANRATTYAs long as it takes. Let's go, men.
(Hanratty exits, the long list trailing behind him. Themen
follow. The last agent stays behind, whippingoff his fedora and
RayBans to reveal ...
... Frank Junior. He waves.)
FRANK JUNIORGood luck with that!Poor Agent Hanratty. I think
that's gonna take a while.
My career as a pilot was pretty much done, and I'd wrung out
every bank in the Northeast, so it was time for me tolay low for a
while, live off my savings. I moved to the Riverbend Apartments in
Atlanta, Georgia, a real nicecomplex, full of professionals, the
perfect place to keep things quiet.
(PARTY DOCTORS and NURSES enter at astumbling run, drinks in
ALL PARTY DOCTORS + NURSESWoo-hoo!
FRANK JUNIOROf course, a few years later, Riverbend would be
written up in Playboy as the address for swinging singles. But
forright now, I just had to keep a low profile. No more cons, no
more high living, no more lies.
(The PARTY DOCTOR approaches Frank Junior as we CONTINUE
Scene 2: The Riverbend Apartments and Atlanta General Hospital,
(The PARTY DOCTOR throws an arm around him.)
PARTY DOCTORSo, Frank, what brings you to the Riverbend complex?
I thought it was just us doctors and nurses here.
FRANK JUNIOR(works the problem)
Oh. Well. You know. I'm a doctor.
(Frank Junior shoots us a despairing look. Why do Ido this every
PARTY DOCTORWhat do you do, surgery? Orthopedics?
PARTY DOCTORSnot-nosed little kids? You can have 'em. Listen,
I'll find out if there's anything open down at Atlanta General.
Begreat to have you there!
FRANK JUNIOROh, no, thank you, I ...
(Frank Junior turns to us.)
What am I doing? I can't be a doctor. Why do I do this every
The NURSES rise into view, sexy legs first. FrankJunior looks at
them ... )
Oh yeah.(... then back to us.)
Ladies and gentlemennurses.
(The NURSES seduce Frank Junior into the
medicalprofessiondressing him as a doctor in the process.)
SONG: DOCTOR'S ORDERS
NURSEHEY DOCTOR, ARE YOU ON CALL?I'M NOT FEELING SO WELL AT ALLI
KEPT THINKING ABOUT YAAS I COULD NOT SLEEP A WINK LAST NIGHT
NURSEI TOSSED AND TURNED THE WHOLE NIGHT LONGKEPT FEELING LIKE
SOMETHING'S WRONGI NEED A CHECKUPTO MAKE EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT
SO I ...
NURSEMADE THIS APPOINTMENT
NURSEAND I CLEARED YOUR AFTERNOON
ALL NURSESYES, I ...
NURSENEED ME A LITTLE "T.L.C."
THREE NURSESAND I GOTTA GET SOME SOON ...
ALL NURSESLET ME TELL YA THAT
NURSEMAYBE I NEVER LISTENED GOODI NEVER DID THE THINGS I
SHOULDBUT I'M READYTO TAKE DOCTOR'S ORDERS!
NURSEBABY, I NEVER FELT SO BADI NEED SOMETHING I NEVER HADAND
I'M READY ...TO TAKE DOCTOR'S ORDERS!
ALL NURSESOOH OOH ...
(The Nurses leave him, the last one handing him aremote.)
FRANK JUNIORHow am I going to get through this? Medicine? But,
now that I think of it, Ben Casey always made it look easy
(He snaps his fingers and a Ben Casey episodeappears.
Frank Junior watches as Ben Casey makes adiagnosis, standing
over a patient with anotherdoctor.)
BEN CASEYI think what we have here is advanced third-degree
encephelomarginalia. Do you concur, doctor?
OTHER DOCTORYes, I concur. What do you recommend, Doctor
BEN CASEYLet's not jump to any conclusions. We'll run every test
we can. We'll find out what's ailing you, son.
(clicks it off, speaks to us)Thats gonna come in handy. I could
pick up a few books at the Emory bookstore. But there's the little
matter of amed school degree
(He's joined by DOCTOR WANAMAKER. Slightlydoddering, he's the
head of Atlanta General. He'sinspecting a parchment document.)
DOCTOR WANAMAKERHarvard University! Very impressive, Doctor
Connors. And you actually brought in your diploma.
FRANK JUNIOR(to us)
Act Two is brought to you by parchment paper, calligraphy, and
DOCTOR WANAMAKERAnd we also have your recommendation from Death
Valley Children's Hospital. Doctor ... Hanratty?
FRANK JUNIORHes my mentor.
DOCTOR WANAMAKERYou're just the perfect candidate.
FRANK JUNIORI should mention, the sight of blood makes me
(Wanamaker laughs. Frank Junior laughs. FrankJunior stops
laughing and gives us a panicked look.)
DOCTOR WANAMAKERAt the moment, the only thing open is overnight
ER supervisor. Beneath a doctor of yourqualifications, and you'd
primarily be supervising residents and interns, so you wouldn't get
muchreal patient contact
FRANK JUNIORI'll take it.
DOCTOR WANAMAKERAll right then. Welcome aboard.
(He goes, and the nurses come back.)
NURSE NURSESMAYBE I NEED YOUR REMEDY OOH OOH ...DOC, IT'S AN
EMERGENCYAND I'M READY READYTO TAKE DOCTOR'S ORDERS DOCTOR'S
NURSE NURSESBABY I NEED THE ANTIDOTE OOH OOH ...YOU'RE HIDING
UNDER THATWHITE LAB COATYES I'M READY READYTO TAKE DOCTOR'S ORDERS
60(BRENDA pushes her way through the passel ofsexy nurses)
BRENDADoctor Conners! Doctor Conners!
(Frank Junior turns and sees her and
FRANK JUNIORAnd there she wasin the middle of all those
glamazons ... she was real. The minute I saw her, I knew. she was
theone. And it didnt hurt that she was the best nurse there. I
needed the help.
(Two interns enter, pushing a gurney. Brenda lifts thebloody
BRENDADoctor Conners! MVA, car versus bike. Should we set it or
get a surgical consult?
FRANK JUNIOR(Caseyesqueshowing off for her)
Let's not jump to any conclusions, Nurse Strong. We'll run every
test we can.
BRENDA(leading him to water)
Okay, Doctor Conners, but
INTERN(interrupting, lifts sheet)
Hes got a bone sticking out of his leg.
FRANK JUNIOR(struggling not to lose it)
Yes ... Doctor ... I, uh ... I ... concur! I concur! Just go!
BRENDAYou heard him! Go! Go!
(She ushers them out as Frank Junior recovers, andpursues
FRANK JUNIORWait! Nurse! Not you!
(He tries to follow, but the Sexy Nurses return toblock his
61NURSE NURSES AND DOCTORS
I KNOW WHAT THEY SAY AHH ...ABOUT AN APPLE A DAYTO BE THE
STRONGEST GAL IN TOWN OOH ...BUT IF AN APPLE A DAYKEEPS THE DOCTOR
AWAY OOH ...I'M GONNA BURN THAT I'M GONNA BURNORCHARD DOWN! THAT
NURSEBABY DON'T STOP UNTIL I'M HEALED OOH OOH ...I'VE GOT BLUE
CROSSAND I'VE GOT BLUE SHIELDAND I'M READY READYTO TAKE DOCTOR'S
ORDERS DOCTOR'S ORDERS
NURSEBABY, TAKE OUT THAT STETHOSCOPEYOU MAY BE MY ONLY HOPESO
I'M READY READYTO TAKE DOCTOR'S ORDERS
ALL NURSES ALL MENTALKING BOUT WHAM-BAM
NURSE NURSESOXYGEN PLEASE,CAN'T CATCH MY BREATH OOH OOH
...DOCTOR YOU GOT THE KISS OF DEATH
NURSES ENSEMBLEAND I'M READYREADYREADY
READYCOME ON, LET'S ROCK STEADY COME ON, LET'S ROCK STEADY
ALL'CAUSE I'M READY ...FOR DOCTOR'S ORDERS!WOO! SONG ENDS.
(The doctors and nurses exit. Frank Junior grabssome shut-eye on
a gurney. Brenda enters.)
BRENDADoctor Conners? Doctor Conners?
FRANK JUNIOR(wakes with a start)
Oh, I was ... uh ... I havent been getting much sleep at the
apartment these days.
Doctor Conners, do you know which patient gets the
O-Negative?(She holds up a blood bag, dark red in
translucentplastic. Frank Junior takes one look and turns
andclutches his stomach, groaning.)
(A nurse strides through.)
NURSEO-negative! O-negative! Whos got the O-negative?
(Brenda holds it up and the nurse grabs it.)
BRENDAAre you okay?
FRANK JUNIORSorry ... just some bad tuna...at the cafeteria.
BRENDAIs there anything I can do?
FRANK JUNIORYou could have coffee with me.
BRENDABut their coffees worse than the tuna. Oh! You mean have a
cup of coffee in a social way.
FRANK JUNIORI guess I do. I've tried to start a conversation
with you four times a day for eleven days and youve barely even
saidhello. Is it me?
BRENDAIm so sorry, Doctor Conners. Hello.
(She moves to go.)
FRANK JUNIORNurse Strong!
BRENDAIm sorry, sir. They don't like us to fraternize with the
FRANK JUNIORPretend I'm not a doctor. Pretend Im a pilot. Or an
Oh, I dont think I could see you as a pilot. A playboy
FRANK JUNIORIm not really in to all that Riverbend madness. Its
just ... sort of a part I play.
BRENDASo youre not really a skirt-chasing party animal, you just
want people to think you are?
FRANK JUNIORWell, yeah. I mean, no. I meanwait.
BRENDAGood day, Doctor Conners.
FRANK JUNIORYoure very serious.
BRENDAIm just trying to do a good job, sir. Im the youngest
FRANK JUNIORIm the youngest doctor here. And youre the best
nurse we have.
BRENDAOh, no, no one ever listens to me. Theyre all so confident
and sure of themselves and ... tall.
FRANK JUNIORIf you want them to listen, you just have to sound
like you know what you're talking about. Act like you
haveconfidence, and pretty soon you will. Act like you're not
afraid, and you won't be. Okay?
FRANK JUNIORHeythere's a smile.
(Two Interns enter at a run, with a gurney.)
INTERNDoctor Conners, we've got a kitchen accident. Meat slicer.
And they can't exactly find thehand ...
(Frank Junior takes one look and starts to lose it.Brenda steps
BRENDATrauma One. I'll call surgery. Go!
(The Interns hurry off.)
FRANK JUNIORSee? Look at you.
BRENDAThank you. Doctor Conners.
Call me Frank.
(a moment, then she remembers:)Oh! Surgery!
(She hurries off. Frank Junior watches her go.
MUSIC. He sings.)
SONG: LIVE IN LIVING COLOR (REPRISE)
FRANK JUNIORLIVE IN LIVING COLORNOW THE PICTURE SEEMS SO
CLEARSHE'S ALIVE IN LIVING COLORSO EXCUSE ME WHILE I DISAPPEAR
(Hanratty appears opposite, watching him.)
HANRATTYSooner or later, they always make a mistake.
FRANK JUNIORBrenda wasn't a mistake.
HANRATTYSooner or later
FRANK JUNIOR(abruptly turns to us)
Meanwhile, it's taking Agent Hanratty a really really long time
to visit the house of every single runaway[in NewYork, New Jersey,
HANRATTY(also to us)
Actually, we cracked it pretty quickly
FRANK JUNIORMister Hanratty. It's my show.
HANRATTYI interviewed your parents. You weren't there. You were
busy with Brenda. Maybe this part is my show.
FRANK JUNIORAll right. Fine.
HANRATTYSort of a ... film noir ... type of thing. Phillip
(Frank Junior gestures: Have at it. And waits.Hanratty turns to
It was hot, even for August. So hot my ass was sticking to the
seat of my car like a fly on paper and my suit was myown personal
But not as hot as the woman I was about to interview. She gave
new meaning to the words femme fatale. Too badshe was some poor
Paula enters, a few years older, with three handsomeDANCING
BOYS. Hanratty will become the fourth.)
FRANK JUNIORLadies and Gentlemen, Paula Abagnale and the
Abagnale Dancers perform "Dancing Around the Subject".
Scene 3: The Barnes House and A Bar, New Rochelle
PAULAI havent seen Frankie, since he ran away.
I ALWAYS KNEW ID SEE THIS DAYI CANT SAY ITS A SHOCKWHATS THAT
EXPRESSION? QUEST-CE QUE CEST?HES A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCKBUT IF
YOU SEE HIMPLEASE PASS ON THIS PLEADONT BE A STRANGERTELL HIM THAT
HANRATTYIf I could just look at a photo ...
PAULAI don't have a recent one. Here ... his junior class
(One of the Handsome Dancing Men hands her theyearbook. She
opens the book up, and Hanratty grabsit.)
HANRATTYThat's him. Heavens to Betsy, that's him.
(reads from yearbook)Class Treasurer?
PAULAIs Frankie in some sort of trouble?
HANRATTYMa'am, your son's in a great deal of trouble. He has
been passing bad checks, forging government documents
PAULAWell? So? Half of the kids his age are on dope but instead
you chase after Frankie because he made a littlemistake? Tant pis.
Tell me how much he owes, I'll write you a check
HANRATTYSo far it's one-point-four million dollars.
PAULACe n'est pas possible.
HANRATTYOh, it's possible. Unlikely, but possible.
PAULAIt sounds like Frankies good at this.
HANRATTYYes. If you wanted to raise a crook, you should be very
MY FRANKIE HAD A CLEVER MINDHE COULD SPEND HOURS ALL ALONEI
WOULDNT HAVE BEEN SURPRISED TO FINDHE CHANGED HIS DIAPER ON HIS
OWNCOULD I HAVE BEEN THERE MORE?WELL, CEST LA VIEDONT BE A
STRANGERTELL HIM THAT FOR ME
HANRATTYYou haven't heard from him since you left your
PAULAI'm to blame. Is that what you're saying?
HANRATTYI don't do blame, ma'am. I just catch the bad guys.
PAULATHOUGH I TRIED, I COULDN'T HIDEWHEN LOVE HAD FLOWN
AWAYCHILDREN CLOSE THEIR EYESBUT STILL THEY SEEI TOOK A CHANCE, A
NEW ROMANCEIS IT A CRIME TO SAYI MADE A CHOICEAND CHOSE WHAT'S BEST
HANRATTYWhere might I locate your son?
PAULAAsk his father. He says Frankie writes to him.
HANRATTYAnd would I find his father?
PAULACheck the bars in town.
The Barnes living room splits the stage with a divebar, Frank
Senior on a barstool.
Paula continues to dance with the THREEATTRACTIVE MEN in the
FRANK SENIORI GUESS TO YOU I SEEM A SCHMUCKWELL, I'LL JUST BIDE
PAULAIN LOVE, ALL'S FAIR
'CAUSE I BELIEVE THAT LADY LUCKCAN STILL TURN ON A DIME
PAULACOMME A LA GUERRE
FRANK SENIORAND MAYBE ONEWILL ONCE AGAIN BE THREE
PAULAC'EST C'QUE J'AI TOUJOURS DIT
FRANK SENIORDON'T BE A STRANGERTELL THEM THAT FOR ME
PAULADON'T BE A STRANGERTELL HIM THAT FOR ME
BOTH(NO) DON'T BE A STRANGERTELL HIM (THEM) THAT FOR ME.
HANRATTYDo you have any idea where your child is?
FRANK SENIORHe's always in the air. He's a pilot for Pan Am!
What a life!
HANRATTYYour son isnt a pilot with anyone, Mister Abagnale. He
never was. Your son is a counterfeiter and a con man.
FRANK SENIORI knew that. I just wanted to see what you knew.
(looks Hanratty over)You expect a father to give up his son.
HANRATTYYes, I do. I expect a father to do that. Now listen to
me, Mister Abagnale. People get shot in my line of work. Realguns.
Real bullets. Id like to bring him in alive.
FRANK SENIOROkay. Here's the truth.
(waves an envelope)Got a letter from him just today. He signed
up. He's over in Nam, serv