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Attila the Hun: Autobiography of a warrior, who survived the

arduous streets of London

(She talks in third person singular considering that she is an admirer

of Julius Caesar.)

Attila the Hun was attending her usual hunnic tribunal when suddenly an

unknown force whisked her away to a desolate and forlorn land...

Haggard and exasperated after wandering near the vacant city park, she

desperately needed some nourishment and rest. For hours she wandered,

wondering where she was, until she suddenly dozed off during midnight after

chewing on some bland roots. She dreamt that she was swimming in a lake

full of piranhas. She thought she was done for, until she realized it was just

her imagination. On her way, she unexpectedly encounters an elderly

vagabond to whom she demanded for food and shelter as she usually

received upon command. The man seemed overly flabbergasted and

flustered and in moments he was sprinting away arms flailing. But Attila had

skills in battle and pursued him, swinging her mighty crimson-coloured axe

and chopping several bushes along the way...

  In account of the elderly vagabond :

For years Jonathan Dickmyer has been living near the city park because he

thought it would be a good way to socialize and be in touch with the nature.

The park where he lived was surrounded by a Metro and several buildings

including a hospital and a bank so it was quite advantageous for him. In fact,

he was seeking for a new job since the children detested his written stories

about animals and zoos. He mainly wanders around the city because he

enjoyed the mysterious air at nighttime. But these days London seemed

perturbed and he had seen many strange incidents, including a bank robbery

at Detroit where the gendarmes arrived but the scandalous thieves had

already fled without any trace, like if they had used magic... He had also

heard a rumour that murderers were impersonating Justin Beaver to lure

teenage girls into their clutches.

But this was a real nightmare, Attila the mighty, Attila the Massive, of the

ancient times, was at his tail, chasing him in his own hometown, swinging her

massive bronze axe and bellowing with rage in her Turkish accent. For hours

the chase continued, and his concentration seemed to dwindle each time the

monstrous Attila had shrieked her enraging battle cry. Fortunately, he soon

recognized the decrepit wooden park bench and quickly hid himself beneath

some of his discoloured blankets while the confused Attila found she was

surrounded by ordinary civilians. She ordered them to “Kneel and bow down

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to Attila the Massive”. The terrified townspeople could only stare back. They

quickly grabbed their children and ran to alert Scotland Yard of the terrible

danger.

 

Attila the Hun: Autobiography (continued)

The Great Attila was trying to learn where she was when she was ambushed

by men coming out of nowhere in black suits, demanding an explanation for

her massiveness and asking her if she was an enemy. The officers were

swearing grotesquely because they thought that she was a disfigured gorilla

that had gone berserk and they finally decided to evacuate the whole city.

Attila reacted with ferocity. She slammed the miniscule officers with hermassive body and tore away their useless weapons. But suddenly, the Head

Police went ballistic and brought a bazooka, but nothing could stop the

massive Attila. She quickly grabbed the bazooka and bent it as if it was made

of paper. The Head Police escaped, but Attila was still so enraged that she

ran around local supermarkets and swinging her horrible axe, making people

abandon their estates.

In account of an old gardener:

The continuing and last part of the Attila Autobiography was banned 

since it spoke of extreme violence that is illegal and wicked to us

human beings- The most important part was that Attila had 

mysteriously disappeared and had never returned to England but 

there had been spotting of giants similar to Attila in Northern

France. – Jonathan Dickmyer