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http://www.bangaloremirror.com/index.aspx?
page=article§id=10&contentid=20110607201106070004313125d41831a
Sweetys Diary : How the knot she tied took her
lifeOn June 2, 26-yr-old Asti Shekhar killed herself just three
months after her dream marriage to a Wipro
techie turned into a nightmare following the revelation of his
illicit affair. Astis diary which recordsher travails will be used
by the prosecution as evidence in court
Hemanth Kashyap
Posted On Monday, June 13, 2011 at 10:06:41 AM
Asti Shekhar, a bubbly, educated, enterprising young woman from
Bihar got engaged to Sikandar
Abhijeet, also from Bihar but working at Wipro in Bangalore, on
Jan 23 this year. Life, as she saw it
then, had taken on a rosy hue beyond her wildest imagination a
good-looking, loving husband with anice job, a new comfortable life
in a big city, all the other fruits of happy domesticity, leavened
by
loads of love, to follow... They got married on Feb 27, and in
the next three months all her dreams got
shattered. On June 2, she hung herself. Her father filed a
criminal complaint against Abhijeet on June4, and a few days later,
the police arrested him on charges of death caused by dowry
harassment.
The police have a diary purportedly written by Asti, mostly in
Hindi but throughout in English script,and which diligently records
her thoughts and feelings ever since she first met Abhijeet to her
final
hours. The diary will be produced in court as evidence by the
prosecution. We reproduce here a slightly
abridged version of it:
People mentioned in the diary:
Sikandar Abhijeet (Smartu, Mikku)
Asti Shekhar (Sweety)
Papaji and Mummiji (Abhijeets parents)
Papa and Mummy (Astis parents)
http://www.bangaloremirror.com/index.aspx?page=article§id=10&contentid=20110607201106070004313125d41831ahttp://www.bangaloremirror.com/index.aspx?page=article§id=10&contentid=20110607201106070004313125d41831ahttp://www.bangaloremirror.com/index.aspx?page=article§id=10&contentid=20110607201106070004313125d41831ahttp://www.bangaloremirror.com/index.aspx?page=article§id=10&contentid=20110607201106070004313125d41831a
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Shekar (Astis brother)
Ramya (Abhijeets girlfriend)
Jan 1
Today is New Year and for the first time, instead of wishing you
first diary, I wished my Smartu...You were second this time.
Jan 3
We shopped for 15 saris for the wedding.
Jan 5
I prepared a three-page shopping list for Smartu ... Today
Smartu told me about his girlfriends. I
thought if I am getting a guy like him, I should adjust with
these things. But I have faith in him and I
dont think he will cheat me. I have tied him with my love.
Jan 6I love my sasural because Im getting Smartu just because of
them. For the first time I told him I love
you.
Jan 7
My day starts with wishing my Smartu, and every day I wish him
at 4 am in the morning. He told me
today that till the day of our engagement, (Jan 23) I should not
message him or call him. He felt that if
we speak every day, the excitement and spark would disappear
from our relationship. I feel he will notlove me. I felt I was
unable to create any kind of feelings in him.
Jan 9
I feel he also misses me a lot. He called to say that I should
not tell anyone of the condition that he has
imposed on me. He told me that he missed me a lot. I think he
missed me and I want him to miss me. Iwant him to start loving
me... Its just the beginning and he will love me.
Jan 10
I didnt wish him in the morning and I felt guilty. He wished me
and spoke to me today. It was
romantic. Its all new to me. He asked me many lovely questions
and I felt happy and blushed with
delight. I made him happy with my answers. I felt very happy and
loved him more when he said we
will become good friends before we were married. Today, he told
me that another girl had stolen hisheart before we met, but there
was nothing between them except that he had a soft corner for that
girl. I
dont have a problem with this, but I will tease him about it. My
in-laws are very good to me. Im going
to sleep now. Smartu...
Jan 14Today is Makara Sankranti and I wished him. We had good
food but I missed him a lot. I was worried
about his lunch. I had a feast, but he didnt have anything
special. If I had a chance I would have gone
to him and prepared his favourite chavel, dal, aalo ka bhujia,
panneer ki sabji and dhania patta kichatni. My parents and I spoke
to him and his parents on this festival day.
Jan 15
Something happened today. He talked strangely to me. He thinks
that he does not deserve me and that
Im an invisible frame in front of him. But I know he is best for
me and that he is beyond myexpectations. My love for him increases
every day. But I dont know what he thinks. But its ok. On the
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21st he will come here. I long for the 23rd. I cant wait for
that day.
Jan 16
Today Nupurji (Smartus sister) came to Patna. Papa went to meet
her and gave her Rs 1,00,000. I miss
my Smartu.
Jan 18
His mother, I mean Mummiji, called up to tell me to buy a good
gift for Nupurji. I told her that I will
give her a gift which she will never forget in her life. That
sounded rude to her and I immediately
apologised. We shopped for things for my engagement and
marriage. Papa told me that that we hadthree more rounds of
shopping to do. I am learning a lot nowadays, something new every
time. With
each passing day, my excitement is growing. My life is taking a
new turn. Its the beginning of a new
chapter in my life. Its titled LOVE.
Jan 20
I packed my bags and travelled to Patna to get ready for the
engagement. I spoke to Smartu and we
discussed about where we would honeymoon. We havent decided yet,
but it might be some place in
the north-east. I booked the same room in Hotel Mayur where
Smartu and I first met. My Smartu is
coming to Patna tomorrow and Im excited.
Jan 21It was a great day and I was excited to see Smartu... He
had a party last night and he asked me to wake
him up at 4.30 in the morning. It was a difficult task but I did
it and he reached Patna this afternoon. He
came to our room. It was the first time I was meeting him after
25 long days. It was a beautifulmoment. Then we went to dinner and
we continued chatting via SMS...
Jan 22
I messaged him good morning, but I didnt get a reply. I applied
mehendi on my hands for the
engagement... No, it was for my Smartu. People say if I get dark
red colour on my hands, it is a goodsign. But, I didnt get the
colour I expected. This spoiled my mood. TOMORROW IS THE
SPECIAL
DAY IN MY LIFE.
Jan 23Today is the most beautiful day in my life. Today is my
engagement with Smartu and Im gettingnervous. Today he woke me up
with a love message. I got ready and waited for shagun. The
tilak
ceremony for Smartu was conducted and then the engagement. We
both had dinner and spoke for half
an hour. Every one told me I looked beautiful and even Smartu
was happy. After he left, I sent him anSMS saying I missed him. Its
over and Im tired now, but I cant wait for the day when we will
be
married.
Jan 25
He was the only thing on my mind and I didnt want to think of
anything else either. He told me hemissed me a lot and wanted to
spend more time with me. We spoke for two hours. Today I told
him
how much I love him and also proposed filmi style. He told me he
loves me a lot. I dont have any
words to express my feelings and happiness. He gives me all the
happiness in my life. A girl wants onlylove, respect, safety,
security, and faith from her husband and my Smartu is giving me all
that. I have
got the best person in my life. My Mummiji is a sweetheart.
Tomorrow, my Smartu will leave for
Bangalore. I cant wait to talk to him. In the evening, my uncle
and aunt came with gifts. They
pretended to be happy, but inside I knew they were upset because
I had consented to marry someoneelse and not their son, who loves
me very much.
Jan 27
I wished him (Smartu) in the morning and he replied
romantically. We had a romantic chat early in the
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morning. Today was his bachelors party and he went to Mysore
with all his friends. He drank a lot. I
didnt call him as he was drunk. I just had an SMS chat.
Jan 30
Today Papa met Mummiji and I saw the wedding card Smartus family
has printed. It was nice.
Jan 31
Even after four meetings in his office, he found time for me and
spoke to me. I share all things with
you, but today something happened which I want to forget. I will
not tell you. Because whenever I read
it, it would hurt me. I miss Smartu. I want to live my entire
life with him happily. In just 27 days, I willbe his wife forever.
Im waiting for it.
Feb 1
I was shocked when Mummiji told me that they are unhappy with
the behaviour of my parents. Its
because she did not like the clothes we bought for Smartu for
our engagement. In future, she wanted usto buy things for Smartu
only from Bangalore. She also asked if my parents were giving their
daughter
things like furniture, cots, mattresses, TV, dressing table etc.
Tell me diary, how can I ask Papa for these
things. They are selling off Mamas gold and are struggling with
marriage expenses. My parents are on
one side and on the other my sasural. What should I do now? I
will try to keep both sides happy. Today
I fasted for my Smartu.Feb 4
I got my wedding card today. Its beautiful, I am happy.
Feb 6
Sorry diary, I was very busy talking to Smartu as he was on
leave. We spoke all day and he sent me
pictures of our flat in Bangalore. The flat is beautiful and I
will be the queen there. Im excited to be
going there.
Feb 8
He woke me up at 4.30 am. And we exchanged naughty messages. I
felt I had already become his wife.
Smartu did not call me the whole day. I was bored.
Feb 10
We have begun packing for the marriage. Almost 55 bags. We leave
now for Patna.
Feb 13
I love singing. I practised today. Smartu and I used to chat the
whole night... naughty, romantic love
talk. He cared for me a lot. We spoke until midnight. At
12oclock we wished each other a happy
Valentines Day. This is our first Valentines Day and we are not
together. I told him to come early toPatna, but he said he will
come on the 24th. I told him that I will give him a kiss on the
lips if he
stopped smoking. He agreed, but said I should start it first
(the kiss). I agreed because I love him. If he
quits his bad habits why should I have any problems with kissing
him?
Feb 14
Today is Valentines Day. I was bored, as Smartu was busy. Rahul
(friend) called me and proposed tome but I scolded him a lot. And I
told him if he does it again, I will stop talking to him. He
apologised.
He was serious, but what the hell yaar. I love my Smartu a lot
and cannot even listen to this kind of
crap from others. These are sacred words and I only want to hear
them from my Smartu. Rahul spoiltmy mood today.
Feb 15
Today, I spoke for a long time with Smartu. This morning he went
to see his bosss new born baby.
Later, he told me that today he understood the value of a wife
and baby in a mans life. He thanked me
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as I am going to be his wife and give him a cute baby. Im
desperately waiting for the moment when I
will give my Smartu our baby. O God, please grant my wish. Now I
want to talk to my Smartu about
our future.
Feb 16
Today my Smartu said, I love you. My morning became beautiful
with this. I think my Smartu is a
little upset and I know he will not tell me the reason. He still
thinks Im not mature enough to
understand his feelings. Smartu will come on the 24th and I miss
him. Eight days left to see him and Iwant the days to go fast.
Feb 17
Shekhar (brother) came and Papa went to meet Smartus parents.
Papa was very upset after that as
Mummiji told him about the furniture and all other household
things which Papa will have to give me
at the time of marriage. Papa is tense as he has very little
money left.
Feb 20
Smartu woke me up today. I forget everything else when I speak
to him.
Feb 21
Mummiji has been hospitalised and Im worried. God please make
her well soon. Other marriage
tensions still prevail.
Feb 24
Smartu will come to Patna tomorrow and all the rituals will
start.
Feb 25
There were a lot of rituals and ceremonies to perform and I did
not have the time to speak to Smartutoday. We had the mehandi
ceremony and this time I got a good colour. I enjoyed the
sangeeth.
Feb 26
Smartu surprised me by coming to my house. I was happy to see
him and we spent many hours
together. I am excited about my wedding.
Feb 28I became Mikkujis dulhan yesterday. I married him
yesterday. After that there was the vidayi hogayi.
You know diary, for the first time Smartu held my hands. We fell
asleep with him holding my hands.
When I woke up I saw him beside me and I really did not believe
that I was married to him. It all wentlike a dream.
March 1
I started the day with my Smartu. He was sleeping just beside
me. We enjoyed very cosy moments
together. We did not sleep almost the whole night. I mean the
whole night. I feel great and its all newto me. Now Im not just
Sweety, but Mr Sikandar Abhijeeths wife. I accept this position
with dignity,
love and respect, because I love and respect him a lot.
March 2As promised, I kissed my Smartu on his lips last night. O
My God! With this kiss, mene apna Smartuko aur zyda apnaya and he
became mine today. It was our first intimate physical moment
and
everything went easily. Tomorrow is my vidai and I will leave my
house permanently with my Mikkuji.
I have a little fear, but am very excited as well. I am very
excited to be going to my new house. Youwill be there with me
always, my diary.
March 3
Today is my Smartus birthday and I was the first to wish him.
Now Im the bahu of Flat No. 194. I
cried a lot at the time of vidai. We celebrated his
birthday.
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March 4
Nowadays, morning wishes are not messages, but lovely kisses.
Everything is going well and Im
feeling happy. My sasural love me lot.
March 5
Today was the reception and it went off well.
March 8
Pappaji and Mummiji are very angry with my parents because my
parents have not given them the
money to buy a car and the furniture. What can my parents do?
They dont have any money left. I hadtold Papa I would not get
married so soon as we did not have the money. No one listened to
me.
March 9
Mummiji took me to the market to buy clothes. She felt that my
Papa had not given me good clothes at
the time of marriage. I felt bad to be buying new clothes with
Mummijis money, but still I bought afew clothes. I was angry with
my mother as she did not give me good clothes. Tomorrow, I am going
to
Bangalore with my Mikkuji and after a few days we will leave for
our honeymoon to the north-east.
March 11On the 10th, we reached Bangalore and I felt happy to
see my new house. We attended the wedding of
Mikkujis friend. Many people told me that I looked very nice.
Mikku also complimented me.Everything is going well, except for one
thing. Deep down inside it hurts me that Mikku and his
girlfriend Ramyas relationship is slowly becoming deeper and
stronger. I really dont know what do
and with whom to share my feelings. On the first day we entered
the house in Bangalore, Mikkuji toldme that I should not use the
bed in the house. He said I should not sleep on it, as he had
purchased it for
Ramya. Everyone knew about his girlfriend, but I did not know
because I was madly in love with him.
No one told me about this. Even my parents were more bothered
about fulfilling their responsibility
and did not think of the kind of person I was marrying. I have
been blessed, but Im not fully happy. Icried a lot as my Papa and
mother did not even come to say bye when I was leaving. Now, I dont
want
to talk to anyone and Im heading towards depression. There is no
one who understands my feelings,my situation or my silence. If I
tell anyone about this, it is like Im killing myself. All my dreams
aregone. This artificial smile is for others. No one knows what is
going on inside me.
March 12
Mikkuji and I shopped for things for the house. We ordered a new
bed and they told us that they will
deliver it coming Thursday. Till that day, I should sleep on the
carpet as the bed in the house isRamyas. We have not gone for our
honeymoon nor are we thinking of it. I feel that we will never
go
on a honeymoon. And I feel Mikku doesnt want to go with me.
March 13
In the evening, he took me to Chairmans Club and there he forced
me to have a small shot of vodka.
March 18The way Mummiji treats me is getting worse by the day. I
do not understand why she is behaving like
this. Today, the new bed was delivered. Mikku took me out, but
somehow, I think he was only trying to
placate me. Ramya is always in his heart. She has been there
from the beginning. Each time he tries toget close to me, we only
get further apart. I can only watch him drift away from me. I feel
I made a big
mistake by marrying him. Neither of us are happy in this
marriage.
March 20
We went for long drive to Tumkur. Today is Holi and I called
Mummyji to wish her. She spokeproperly to me. My first Holi was a
crime. All thanks to Papa as he did not bother to check to whom
he
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was giving his daughter. I have a husband in name only. His soul
and body belongs to someone else.
There is no place for me in his heart and life. Mummyji warned
me that if I could not keep her son
happy, he would leave me and go away. Imagine! She is warning a
girl who is just married. How can I
deal with this behaviour? I feel sad and lonely. After all this,
I wiped my tears and prepared lunch(rosagulla, mutton, dahi
vada).
March 21
This has been a bad day. I do not even know why. I dont know
what Mikkuji told his mother thismorning. She called me and scolded
me a lot. She asked me if I was a woman. I said yes and sheasked me
why her son felt I was always distant and aloof. Imagine! Doesnt
she know why her son
feels like that? Mikku only stays with me, but his heart and
soul is with his honey. He does not hear my
voice and he does not even look at me. I have tried to make him
love me and feel my presence, but ithasnt worked. Perhaps its my
mistake. When he told me that he once had a girlfriend, I should
have
said no to this marriage. I dont know why I agreed. I should
have told my Papa all this at that time. I
have destroyed both Mikkus life and mine. Now I dont know what
will happen and what turn my lifewill take. How long should I
tolerate this? Mummiji abuses me about many things now. I have
decided
that I will not ask anyone for anything anymore.
March 24Now, I have a smile on my face. To make me happy, Smartu
has finalised our honeymoon. Tomorrow
we leave for Ooty and Kodikanal for five days. But the tensions
and problems are still there. But I
dont care about these damn problems. To hell with it. I have
decided to live my life the way I used tolive it... with no
boundaries and no mental pressure.
March 30
We returned from the trip. It was ok. Smartu tried to behave
normally with me, but he was not his usual
self and I can feel what is going on in his mind. He is trying
to make me feel that he is doing a lot forme by accepting me and
our relationship. But who cares about me? I did not expect these
complications
after marriage. The tension is killing me. Mummiji says she is
punishing herself as she has spoilt her
sons life through this marriage. She says Mikku sacrificed his
love life just for her happiness. Why is
she feeling all this now? Why didnt she think of this before our
marriage? They are all thinking aboutthemselves, but no one is
bothered about how I feel. What wrong have I done? Anyway, I
enjoyed the
trip because I love travelling. We went boating and visited some
lovely places.
March 31
I love cricket and today was India-Pakistan semi-final in World
Cup 2011. We defeated Pakistan and
we are in the finals against Sri Lanka on Saturday. Rest is
ok.
April 2
Yiiipppyy.. India have won the World Cup. What an awesome match
it was. It filled me withexcitement. All Indians worship cricket
and our players proved that they are gods of cricket. They have
brought back the World Cup after 23 long years. It is a great
day for all Indians. Smartu is totally drunk
and it is 1.00 am in the night and he is out of home. I think I
my entire life will be like this only.
April 12
How are you my dear diary? Apologies for not contacting you for
such a long time. A number of
incidents have happened in my life in the last few days. You are
my best friend who is always there to
listen to me when Im sad and lonely. So I feel relaxed whenever
I talk to you. I thank you for yoursupport. Now Im fighting with
own emotions. Im all alone now and I feel I need somebody with
whom I can share my feelings. Mikku, my Smartu, whom I loved,
married and shared my life, all of it
has gone waste. I know now that all the dreams I had of staying
with him for the rest of my life are
shattered. They were broken by God. I am unable to make him
happy and it is a shameful thing for any
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wife. Sometimes I think I should end my life, but this is not a
solution to my problems. I dont know
what to do and how to gain a place my husbands heart. Whenever I
see some other happy couple, I feel
low. I think how lucky they are and how unlucky I am. This pain
is unbearable. I told my parents and
brother about Mikkus affair with Ramya. They were shocked to
hear this. They could not believe it.But they have to face this
reality and they should know that their daughter has a short life
left. Mikku is
going to end our relationship in June and he is very serious
about it. He plans to settle in Dubai for the
rest of his life and for him June is the end of our
relationship. He is going to marry Ramya, his love. Inever thought
that this would be the end of my life.
All the smiles and happiness have disappeared and there is only
pressure, tension and sorrow left. MyPapa knows that his beloved
daughter is in deep pain. He blames himself for this mess. Theres
no
charm for Smartu in this marriage and he just wants to be free
from jail.
This marriage is a punishment for him. No one not my Papa,
mother, Mikku nor his parents noneof them realise that they are
punishing only me. Do you know dairy, Mummiji wanted Mikku to
marry
me because they wanted a cook Sweety, the cook. Did he not
understand my love for him? Did he not
see it in my eyes? He only wants my body. Does he not understand
my feelings towards him? Will Iever get him to love me? If he
doesnt value our relationship will he leave me forever in June? All
these
questions go around in my head and I cannot even sleep. Papa had
spent Rs 18,00,000 (18 lakh) on my
marriage, and is this the end of it? All of them are thinking
only about themselves. Mikkus parents saythey did not get a good
dowry, TV, A/C, dining set, fridge etc and so they are not happy.
Mikku didnt
get his love, so he is not happy. Papa had spent lakhs and not
even he is happy now. But what about me
and what should I do now?
Mikku now thinks he is already married to Ramya. He married me
only because he wanted to keep his
parents happy. Mikku loses nothing from this marriage. Im the
only one who is losing my life. My
relationship, all my expectations, emotions, and feelings, have
gone and there is nobody to give themback to me. I hate this world.
Mikku does not even speak to me now. He just answers yes or no
to
my questions. Even physically Im useless to him.
I cant take all this pain. I can end my life, but I want to see
what chances life gives me. I feel good
sharing all these things with you dairy. Thanks for listening to
me patiently. Every moment I think
about doing the things Mikku likes. Why does he not feel
anything towards me? Why? Why? I think Iam a burden to everyone. No
one sees the sorrow Im feeling. What should I do? Where should I
go
once Mikku leaves me in June forever?
April 13
There is no charm in life as usual today. I have never lived my
life like this. Asti was a name which
meant fun, excitement, and happiness. I had the capacity to
bring a smile to everyones face. Look what
has happened to me now. There is no happiness left in life. I
want to run away from this unsuccessfullife. I feel guilty about my
parents and brother. They had expected many more from this
marriage. Theythought they fulfilled their responsibility. They
fixed this marriage with this guy who was my
SMARTU, but there is no charm left in this relationship. O God,
please save me. Give me strength.
Give me a solutions or kill me . Please God save me Save me Save
me.
April 22
Life is moving at normal speed. Nothing has changed. I never
expected life after marriage will become
like this. I was a fool who only thought about romance and good
things about married life. Things have
changed and I only see a big dark hole in front my eyes. Mummiji
asked me if I am happy? I said yes.
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She told me that I will be happy as I have got all the material
things in life. She told me her son was not
happy. My unhappiness and sorrow means nothing to her. She
doesnt want to really know whether Im
happy or not. Mikkuji is not bothered about what I feel and he
does not even think about me. I dont
want to trouble my parents, so I havent told them everything.
With whom can I share my feelings? Youare the only friend I can
share my feelings with. Im crying now. Yesterday also I cried a
lot.
April 24
Im as usual not happy with life. Today, I did a pregnancy test
and it came back negative. There isnothing good that is happening
to me. Im not sure whether to feel sad or not with the result of
the test.Mikku looks happy as he has no responsibility to fulfil.
He is very happy in his own world with Ramya.
The so-called deadline to end the relationship is June 17. I
dont know how to tell my parents and its awaste of time to tell
Mummiji. She will not understand my problems and feelings. Now you
help me
God. I have managed to stop my tears. Im begging you please show
me a way to clear my problems.
Every day I cry in front of you God. Please show me the way.
April 26
Diary, today everything went out my hands. Today, I feel I am
the poorest and unluckiest girl in this
world. I lost my husband completely today. I hoped it would not
happen, but it has happened. Today he
slept alone in another room and left me alone. Why did this have
to happen to me? Is it my mistake tohave consented to a marriage
which papa fixed? Yes, I think this is the mistake and Im being
punished.
I feel I should end my life. The one I married never loved me
and today even our beds have been
separated. There is nothing left between us. I dont know how
much I will cry today. I will not able to
sleep. Im not even doing anything to end these problems. I will
try and do something. At least I knowthat if I fail, I can at least
end my life. I love Mikku a lot. I dont know when he will
understand my
love for him.
April 29
Nothing good is happening in my life. I feel like tying a black
cloth over my eyes and sleeping everymoment. Today Mikku told me to
go out of his life forever. He told me that I didnt deserve
him.
Marrying me was one big mistake he made in his life. I close for
today now. I dont even feel likecrying.
May 2
The last two days were very bad. All are upset now. All are
praying to God to get this problem solved. I
dont want to see sorrow or tears in my and Mikkus family. I am
in immense pain. I cant hurt Mikku.I am his wife and will do
whatever he wants. I cannot see tears in his eyes. I am that
unlucky and
unfortunate wife who saw tears in her husbands eyes. Yesterday,
I pretended that I am ok, but I am not.
I am dying with every passing second.I love Mammiji. I have
promised Mikku that I will support himunconditionally and love him
steadfastly. I will do anything for his happiness. I can leave him
forever
just to see a smile on his beautiful face. I am ready to face
anything. Anyway, I am also not going to
live for many more days. After a few days all the problems will
be ended. Everything will become as itwas four months back. But
there will be one change and that is I will be here to see the
change. I am
waiting for that last moment. Actually I dont want to live
anymore. I dont have any desire to stay here
for much longer. I am not as strong as I make out to be. I do
not want my family to suffer.
May 3
Diary, nothing is going in my favour. Shekar, my brother, is
coming here to see the situation for
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himself. Had he come before marriage I would not have been in
this situation. Today I am living with a
person like Mikku, who doesnt have any feelings for me. Nor does
he care about me. He feels giving
money to run the house is his only responsibility. Why should I
live at all?
May 8
Today my brother came. We had a good time and I spoke to him for
hours together. I dont know if he
listened to me. Does he understand his sisters problems? Perhaps
he may show me some way of
getting out of this mess. Today I went for an interview, but I
was not selected. I dont know why this ishappening to me.
May 9
Mikku is not happy that my brother is here. He didnt even speak
to him. Mikku came home late.
Shekar felt insulted. Anyway, Shekhar is my brother and I will
take care of him.
May 12
The whole day my brother was moody. He cried a lot and I felt
bad seeing him like this. I wasnt able
to give him a gift also.
May 19
Mikku left for Mysore for three days training. Its just an
excuse but I dont feel bad. It doesnt make a
difference anymore whether he is here or not. I enjoy being left
alone these days. Polycystic OvarySyndrome [a very common condition
among young Indian women leading to reduced fertility] problem
attacked me again. Need good treatment now.
May 21
I went for all kinds of tests and everything is normal. I still
have hope. Mikku was expected this
morning but he came only in the evening. I wrote my report and I
will go alone for check-ups. I dont
want any help from Mikku. I can look after myself. Thanks Mikku,
you have made me emotionless by
your attitude and behaviour. I still feel pain when Mikkus
friends wives tell me about their aftermarriage experiences. They
are all happy.
May 22
I woke up at 4 am and I couldnt sleep any more. I have
nightmares. If my papa was here, he wouldnthave left me sleep
alone. He would have taken me to his room. But there is no one.
Mikkus parents arecoming here on 25th and Im scared.
May 25
They arrived today. I prepared good food. Mikku is not in a good
mood and I dont know why. Now
that Mammiji is here, I hope everything will be settled. I hope
my Smartu will again be mine.
May 28
I was very upset yesterday, so I didnt speak to you, diary. I
cried a lot yesterday. Mikku told me that hedid not have anything
to give to his honey, Ramya not even his name. But Ramya has
everything to
give him. I am reaching the height of depression. The girl who
never cried in her life, now cries every
minute and every step. I spoke to an astrologer and he said
everything will be sorted out in June. Today,he stopped eating with
me. Tomorrow is Ramyas birthday, but he is tense because he cant
celebrate
with her as Im around. What should I do for this? I will end my
life. Sorry, I have to go away from you
also diary. But God doesnt want to see me happy.
June 2
Diary, I am very tired now. I am tired of this bloody life. Bad
luck precedes me. I thought I would get
that job today and all my problems will go away. But it didnt
happen. Mammiji and Papaji say they
will be with me and I am like a daughter to them, but kabtak? At
any time, they can also get fed up with
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me. I cant go to my parents. I have nothing left, nothing to
look forward to. Mummy, your daughter is
going away with all respect and dignity. I have in my mind all
the culture you taught me and even now
your daughter is very pure. I havent even thought about another
man than Mikku. I dont know what
mistake I committed. Mikku, I am not that bad a girl. I am going
away from you and your life, to thatplace from where one cannot
come back even if one wanted to. Now you are a free bird.
But one request: Dont give any sorrow to your mother. She loves
you a lot. Be happy and please marryagain. This time marry the girl
whom you love because every girl will not be Sweety. Shekar bro,
my
blessing will be with you always. Now, you dont have to protect
your sister anymore and I will not be
a burden to you. Please look after papa and mummy.Nupurji and
Jijaji you tried a lot to make my home happier, now its not
required. Papa and mummy
dont blame Mikkus parents. I am responsible for my death. I am
fed up with life, so I want to die. No
one is responsible for my death except God. I will ask him why
he took everything away from me. I
love you all. I love you Mikku, you will be ever my SMARTUUU
always.
Rahe na rah ham, mahaka karenge ban ke kale, ban ke sabaa,
bhagoo wafah mein
Aap sab ki
Asti Shekhar (Sweety)
