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Animal Patents, Lou Reed Rock Dream, Follish Things on April Fools, Casting Call
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TFREPORT
NIrfER IN DOUBTUP . O . B o x 2 2 L I 3 UOFTEN TN ERROR - cA 94L22
Apr i l , L99o Happy Apri l Fools!
food, fashion and entertainment --a ^-r-EE- FA8HION - The fur and fashion industries, eager to deflect charges
THE FUR FLIE8 OVER AI{IIiAL PATBNTS
while ethicists debate the philosophical inpl ications of animal r ights' a
p"=r" of global cabals is pirrsuing- an _entirbly. disparite agenda patent
i ight, fof latroratory creatld aninits. That's r ignt, Americaworrd wilr soon
L"-aorirrg out. r"w.t-ding new trust for dollar-hungry rnerchandisers: 17 years
of uninterrnft"a rnon5pofy over living genLt-ically. altered animal
creations - rear Gartierd 6ats and Donard autrs. This insidious plot is
rooted in the three fundamental and requisite industries of the 1990s
; i ki l l ing animals, has secretly developed clockus minkus, achromati"ail-y transformed rodent with a soft luxurious pelt and.abuilt-in horhonal tirneclock which causes the critter to connitsuicide at two Years of age.FOOD Love th6se turkey legs? What if you get six to a bird
instead of just two? or how -arout
a bloodless burger to go with
those fries?ENTERTAINTTENT - with patent protection, characters like the llinjaTurtTes and Tony the Tiger witt come to life as inventions, notworks of authorinip, eti'rninating problenatic issues of freedom ofspeech and celeUriiy endorsements. Every kid will ylttt their ownU'ickey Mouse tri* glnetically nodif ied g-f inger.hands) and specialUicfe-y food pelleti, supplernLnts and caged environments. And thei""iri"iv lilcensing po-tlntiaI is phenomenal French geneticengineer-s have repo-rt6afy developed I{y New Birds which are MynahUiias progralnmed io spea[ warning phrases (High Voltage: Stay outof this Area!) or whi-stte trre notting stones catalogue. And getready for perfect pet pals l ike Deputy Pog
- a small apartment size
caninJwith a -s1ow
rnetabori3m lfor longer tine between warks) and Doberman
sized bark, ot t t lrs. Catz a biological ly altered fel ine, trained to enpty
i i= "r" ritty ritter box. with thi; arrelomorphic world of genetic wonder,
we will no longer be saddened by species extinction or animal cruelty and we
w i 1 1 f i n a I I y f i n d t h e I o n g - m i s s 1 n g 1 i n k b e t w e e n L a s s i e " w
0T/I th6 Editorfhie Ain,t No CeDsus! How time fl ies when you're under housearrest. It 's been twelve long months since you last took Pen topaper and advised us as to your perrsonal-bel ie fs , whims, and-opinions.
so thanks once again for taking the time to respond tooir confidentiat Annual Readership Survey. And for those of youtoo busy to give us a few precious moments of your valuable time,we suggest you check very carefully under your bed tonightt Lookfor the survey results - next ishl
@ A&R 1990
,N lettexz..."0€q{-
A+ R,
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see i ng yo l l ( )ne o f
t h e s e t , e 4 l q .H o p r - : v o u w i l l g i v e
up SF a l r t f re tu rn t o NYC,wl re re I hc rpe to se t up myutop ian r rcmmuni t r , ' among
t h e p e n t h o u s e s .Unc I e Er - ld1 ' , 13 Feb
4)re
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Nnnn^ hean ahootL{ 4oo d- - ' , , - . )p u n c h l r n fi6 is oh,l.Po't'm Prrl,owr y . / . - . . . ;
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'*lels"d l^ {sfretl i- ' ' -
' 5 ' A i s s o c t . r F II $ttunu 'n a ho\c '1u5r II
"w.ifinq about ''I - - -l inow?{NTs-ftA f G+UArr* IDon Ciccott0 onMick fagger:' 'he,s too butch
a a .a o a u
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+IfiPPYtr$TryER
&APRILL] FooLg
A&R? RoCk DrecrmsI - I I
. . L O U R E E D . .
,wr
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reyour-----rla.rt=.----rrr-r"ffi
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Lor:� rpu5 ;*a11inq ,,*h A+R,r* l,e went bace{6o* so^t'ne1 + fi l,'K.d Io *ou"hh ir feet (n o'.i 'il f t,.t ro I I 'J ' irn *p street) . Lo u fr Ked +o malk Ets own a{Ge+ usu d d. ct p
"n, ilod bror4rt *i{h t ;-. fle hal crl his hair. And he liked
*o stand a+ 'lhe #orrt windowg looVrng at the heach + wi,l,it,4 in +his 6ook-that had blanK page5.A ne,rer o^ge iried .lo s" e what he ilor'wii/rq(\oet $brdg
'be-lferre U? -.d) Lou u^ronted + go see "The YilYfig
RocK 0 reoynl cont'd. . .af a ChineSe BooKie" + so *hey urefc fo"kinO
'n il.e Pfef { *ie ttnovie
$,05 on on h{ at 7 p+a + L6r satl he p r, {effed going J- the m ovieS
during_ rhe'dw1. tuergwhecc Lou looked in tl,re house lhere rlos ^
l-v ?..d tin-q haoo.i,na , fil(e a shcine A t'o I rnade {eatvitnq *heclrliryle o{ u-Xorv'ro tt'oi Jul;etle
" v,hith was a gi{t #o^ A'tkitn{ Hr. then l^" rcad atl lhe t^6u ?rrJ rock
'drearnt'm bacK
tseoee o{ the A*R Repoif + Jaw c.ncet pholrs o{ himsel{ *akenwrtta a ?oovn. len1, C..rrira 0n \0 rious lolu poifs. -fhen soneho$Lot, 6"nd o"t A y"l *rirl"i ; tr"q-*rottid'*'Lo, RreJ's iJo'tr" + ,e\rn *!'o *':. n,n^ poitrcu h.lj ,r*; h rrrforg , 10, ,oi cool obout'rl
* he Jutt Kept $idinq otl *hrte 'L*
R.ud t
fh,:nos around -thv
house + A rto.t.d &r"lrq lil(e a ,rof *r.fo rr 3u";* )hinq + whilesitl,i,rq on 't1',e {looc sd,l-Io l^ou " 6?d I eel {err',[le. V, Lurt be+hinftng J'* Some ki"d o{ +lih.rleT'* A r^,05 aln,qt cr5f T
*
lou ,oridn'-l slr,P lugh,"q + edw hou" ,^barfa ssed A fo( Los +5a+ Jo.,*,n 0n *te (loo.- ritlr [ * pu{ his arms oround [ * ia,l "Slop.
I don'{ I\inV- gou're like John Hinckln d oll"" And du.rng theu,ho\t dteah,\^rii l.ft lus+ Seevnn4d {' crto on + oo, (qou're Iit l, itq
L. -.J) Lo; didn'}" remevrrbrr otlrir *,-.s he' hoi met Ar"f,kwhen A worKed of Tourer ?t.o"ds
'w 5F + l;l., came n r sort of
neeiled help + A hrlpeJ h'1rr picK. of !fs. t lr;,^ sdrl +.A u Ur4ryrr l,uric
'rs bear,,t,f., | , n +ha+ tl',ot nr!1ht s*oge a* the
;frd ;[;id".+ Lr; ,ho,g^l sovne *ord5 +T one o$ his t,on{t- so'*
wos $ + uh5 ilon'{ t.r4rr, dra3 torr old- Of5, bg txe putple h';tr out {fie
doof, + ',n *,hi rnornrn.
" 5hr'r iisf enothec h;+ .J r, n " + A Wot, oh
a.id l ltrousht t\r,Y05 ' i,ti'u,,^:":ii5o:n.4i,f#-l'11-lld .o:2;:: il'i".'ilr;;;'r;%:ffi4,*:ry] "q j 1ll R* ::;-1^'r R
ili i^-h:r'T.onr{or*Jc .' cD ,\^,n,th ',t I'd\ lhe $ist z so"3s
bon4 p lag.
This ish we cast Taj Mahal, a sc.eenplay by Paige Turner, based on the Trump scandal.The story: A crazed boxer - who believes his wife is having an affair - makes a Rambo-like assault during
the opening of an east coast casino. Hotel tycoon and head of security buddy-up to stop the rampage.
Character
DONALD40ish nouveau-riche
tycoon in the midst ofa messy divorce
IVANADonald's wife, a
former East Europeanmodel/skier
MARLADonald's mistress,
twenty-ishmodel/actress
MIKEBitter ex-champ
ROBINMike's wife and afriend of Donald
HARRY WILLSHead of casino
security andex-Green Beret
Feature Film Made for CableMovie
Made for TVMovie
DON JOHNSON(Unless he wants too
much money,otherwise)
ED HARRIS
POWERS BOOTHE(Unless they want a
friendlier lead,otherwise)
PERRY KING
CRAIG T. NELSON(Unless Coach won'tlet him, otherwise)WAYNE ROGERS
FAYE DUNAWAY(Unless she demands
script approval,otherwise)
DYAN CANNON
LEE REMICK(Unless she won't do
cable, otherwise)SALLY
KELLERMAN
LINDSAY WAGNER(Unless she demands
a co-productiondeal, otherwise)
LORETTA SWIT
LOLITADAVIDOVITCH
(Provided she'll dyeher hair, otherwise)BRIDGET FONDA
NICOLETTBSHERIDAN
(Provided she'll do atopless scene,
otherwise)DONNA RICE
MARLA MAPLES(Unless she feels
exploited, otherwise)JUDY LANDERS
DANNY GLOVER(Provided he can fitit in before Lethal
Weapon 3, otherwise)YAPHET KOTTO
ISAAC HAYES(Provided he gives
up the chains,otherwise)
ROLAND GIFT
MR. T(Provided he gives
up the chains,otherwise)
PHILIP MICHAELTHOMAS
LISA BONET(Unless she gets
wardrobe approval,otherwise)
CATHY (Mona Lisa)TYSON
IMAN(Provided she'll gotopless with IsaacHayes, otherwise)
BEVERLYJOHNSON
ROBIN GIVENS(Unless she feels
exploited, otherwise)JACKEE
MICHAEL KEATON(Unless he wants too
much money,otherwise)
WILLEM DAFOE
MICHAELMORIARTY
(Unless they want afriendlier lead,
otherwise)FREDERICFORREST
ROBERT ULRICH(Unless Spencerwon't let him,
otherwise)JOHN SCHNEIDER
Thanks ro B. Anderson for the John Waters version: Donald - Tommy LaSorda; Ivana - Tammy Faye Baker;Marla - Susan Tyrell; Mike - Gary Coleman; Robin - Whoopi Goldberg; Harry Wills - Brian Bosworth.
\truT1{? .o a
- J l l e -lrlt t!l l ! - .
He Hates Bad \ffalkersDear A&R: Nobody knows how to walkanymore. People walk too slow,they ' re real ly rude and they don' tIook where they ' re going. They ' I lEtep into the street and not evenlook - and then they ' l l Etar tscreaming if a car almost hite them.Sometimeg someone wil l etep in frontof me instead of waiting a second.Then, they'l l walk too glow so I bumpinto them. Somet imes, f 'm walk ing inone direction and eomebody going inthe other direction cuts in front ofme. When I walk up or down stairs,slow people all get together andwon' t le t me through. Is th ishappening all over, or just inFlor ida? f t 's aE i f people aret ry ing to say something to me. What 'swronq; with me? Melville Goodnan,Coral Gables, Florida.
Dear Mel: There'g nothing hrrong withyou. The debil itating conditionknown as homeo pedasoris is spreadingaround the globe. The stiffenedcadence and torpid gait now Eoprevalent among our fellow humans iscaused by the deterioration ofnatural biorhythms. This sluggishbitter condition is further maqnifiedby the prevalence of running- shoeewhich have removed the phyeicalimpediments cauged by low tractionleather heels and uncomfortablefemale shoe designs. The only hopeig to promote international awarenessthrough public relations effortg suchas National Walking Etiquette Day.Good luck.
She Hates Noisy BagsDear A&Rs fn your February ish, SuEanStekel of Virginia complained aboutbags. I have a related problem. Ihate the sound of bags, eepecia l lythe ner^r plastic bags that just keepmaking noise even after you put themdown. Sometimes when I hear €romeoneopening or closing one of these bags,I feel asr if the world has ended andthe only sound left is thekrinkle-krinkle din of theee bags.
What's hrrong with me? Mini Youssof,Baldwin, l f .Y.
Dear Mini: There'g nothing wrongwith you. Recent studies have shownthat the clamor of rattl ing bags cancause serj-oue and long termemotional damage. The SurgeonGeneral is reportedly consideringwarning labele which will adviseconEumers of this potential injury.Meanwhile try to protect youreardrume by using sound silencers.
He Can't Take AdviceDear A&Rl I work aE an advicecolumnist but I have a diff icultt ime taking advice from people,especially about my column. Vilhenpeople gtve me euggestions I getagitated. What gives them the rightto give me advice? Does Joe Uontanahave to take advice from footballfans? Just because f give advice,doesn't mean I have to take it. Whydo I get go mad? 9ilhat's wrong withme? Greven Quicbedale, Eollywell,Connecticut.
Deer Gravens There'E nothing wrongwith you. Remember, what theMarquis de LaGrange once said: "!{henhre ask for advice, we are usuallylooking for an accomplice.,, Peoplewho write to advl-ce columns simptywant to be assured that others wil lshare their experiences andfeel ings. AE professional advicecolumnists, the staf f a t l lhat , sWrong With Me empathizes with yourposi t ion that unsol ic i ted advice isgeneral ly unneceaEary, superf luous,unwarranted, unjust i f ied andunfounded. However, remember thatpeople 's feel ings are easi ly hur t sotry to remain polite whendisregarding the counsel and wisdomof othere.
'What's Wrong With You?
If you feel l ike something's wrongwith you, write to tbe A&R Report,P.O. Box 22LL3, Sunset Stat ion,s . F . , c A 9 4 L 2 2 .
HOT & HAPPENINGrodoFOOTiSH ThiNGS 0n_10
l'1-o Ke+ rna'rl
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APriLf_uol5_-.1u p enuelooes *hat 50"14llre nn i o b, ,. Qrie n ds .'T t r r r r - l r
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pr-actr'ce),€rll +ne Kfcg druryn u,i.t4che ese /
tIt
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iflrsh ln whe re ongel6 {ear + ]read.
i3:.f#i
@ lshaue gour ass + urd lK bacKwards.
I fle co rd o, d'o | fune 0n h ouf etrswer'fi4 nvchineijo ,tren p?,pli -tl,t* *',ri ,Jrnl t''[e theg'.I d,5;';:^;-rir]
! Put Ben- Ga'1 n $our +P}vte's underrr ear ./
! Wear c stvl*i{y;nj hrt
i Gi{t- wfd P gorf seot o{ gour
a
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m lhe backuri -loc!.gd Car.
5ui* 'lo urorl4- r.rndbF HouF b@-+aeK whg $ou ' re S ie&in1, *e l l J*e i
touc je l to set l a,dd l i { ; tauers !
peop lgc
fo !3'gh,t be6'eI
r{E
'aFTEN rN ERRaR - NErER tn ooufirn
1. I believe in
I wish I didn't have to
People say I'm , but that's because
I don't hate
You haven't lived until
6. The last tlme I threw up was
2.
3.
7. I
8. 1
9.
10 .
1 1 .
12.
13 .
never get tired of looking at
wish I had a nickel for every
I remember when
doesn't (don't) belong on TV.
cost
lf I was in a hospital, I'd like to share my room with
My mother told me not to
The last time I laughed until my face hurt was
14. Of all my body parts, I wish I could get a new
-- 15. I hope I never have to cleany' ru"r'
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