Apr2013 AETD Monthly Message April Fool's Edition

7/28/2019 Apr2013 AETD Monthly Message April Fool's Edition

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2013 Sequestration Travel GuidanceEffective Monday the following procedures developed by Center management apply:Lodging: All personnel performing temporary duty (TDY) are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on governmen

business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train

stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation: Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued

to all personnel prior to their departure on TDY. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel

Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled

in Washington D.C., but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Omaha, NE, then travel to Omaha will be substituted for travel

to Washington D.C.

Meals: Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains

such as Costco, Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, occasionally, Safeway often provide free samples of promotiona

items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. We realize many of you survive your weekends this way. Travelers should also

be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized

travelers should use all you can eat salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can beused to feed the entire group. Personnel are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam

and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the bother of heating or costly preparation. Cost of these items will not be

reimbursed.

Miscellaneous:All personnel are encouraged to devise innovative techniques to save tax dollars. One enterprising individual has

already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In

support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all personnel prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others

with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ballpoint pens will also be available to personnel so that sales may be made as time

permits. Proceeds must be turned into the Office of the Chief Financial Officer (OCFO) at the conclusion of the TDY. We welcome any

suggestions for further fiscal innovations. Remember, We invite you to be a Waste Buster.

NASA Asked to Investigate Carnival Cruise Lines MishapSimilar to the Toyota Acceleration issue, NASA was asked by the ownersof the British-American owned company, Carnival Cruise Lines, to inves-

tigate and resolve the recent failures experienced on the Carnival Cruise

line ships. Given NASAs reputation with resolving the Toyota accelera-

tion issue, NASA is confident that it will find the problems with the cruise

line generators; after all its just a diesel engine and an alternator. Issueswith how to pay NASA for investigating these mishaps have confounded

NASA management in that NASA employees cannot accept free cruises

nor accept free alcoholic beverages due to government ethics regula-

tions. NASAs mishap investigation board found that instead of using

diesel fuel to power the generators, an inexpensive blend of tequila and

dark rum was discovered in the fuel tanks of the generators. Apparently, the engine room staff were smuggling their wares in the

generator fuel tanks, never dreaming that they would experience a complete engine failure and require the use of the emergency

generators. Fortunately, NASA concluded that the blend of liquids found in the generator fuel tanks can be used on future cruises

to fuel the hundreds of Tiki torches that are used on-deck and around the pool.

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Increased Scrutiny for International Traffic in ArmsRegulations (ITAR) and Export AdministrationRegulations (EAR)The publication policy for ITAR and EAR has changed to help reduce thetotal amount of paperwork for Document Availability Authorization (DAA)

forms. All publications must be published using invisible ink. Invisible ink

will ensure no-one outside of the agency can review the contents of the

paper, presentation, or poster. Under the new environmental friendly policy,

there is no longer a need to waste paper for submitting the DAA form, since

all published papers are invisible. As a final measure to help protect ourNations assets in the event the invisible ink policy is not followed, all yellow

highlighters will be replaced by black highlighters.

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ACES to ABACUSIn response to the sequestration objective of reducing NASAs budget by$720M, as well as the fact that we just really like doing these sorts of things,

AETD has decided to switch their IT contract from ACES to ABACUS. ABACUS

provides centuries-old technology with a sleek design that can be easily trans-

ported from work to home and beyond as part of NASAs Work From Anywhere

program. ABACUS provides distinct advantages over ACES with high resolu-

tion viewing, minimal power consumption, and improved antivirus capabilities

when an appropriate hand sanitizer is used.

Users wishing to learn more about ABACUS, including obtaining Elevated Privi-

leges forms, may do so at http://areyoukiddingme.gsfc.nasa.gov ABACUS S Seat standard model

Sequestration InspiresCross-Training Efficiencies

While many Agencies are taking drastic actions to meetFederally imposed budget cutbacks due to sequestration,Goddard is making lemonade out of lemons. The NASA Admin-

istrator decided against furloughs for civil servants in lieu of

other cost savings measures. This gives the field Centers auton

omy to meet the new cost ceilings, so Goddard senior manage-

ment held a retreat at Wallops to brainstorm some ideas. In ligh

of the simultaneous decline in in-house work, management saw

an opportunity to reassign civil servants to jobs traditionally filled

by contractors. In an address to the Goddard Contractors Asso-ciation, the Center Director said, While we would prefer not to

impact our support contractor community, we all need to sacrifice

in these trying times. Civil servants have diverse skills that are a

good fit for many contractor jobs associated with overhead funded

activities. In order to promote fairness, the Director of the Office

of Human Capital Management (OHCM) negotiated an agreemen

with the GESTA union to use the GOBBS system to advertise and

fill long-term positions, and a revolutionary Day Laborer system

to fill short-term positions.Cont., pg 4


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New NASA Spinoff Hair ata Touch of a ButtonNASA justannounced a

b r e a k t h r o u g h

invention that

has sparked a

government wide

craze to visit

the Vandenberg

Air Force Base

control room.

It all started at the recent successful Landsat Data Continu-

ity Mission (LDCM) Observatory launch on February 11, 2013

On the day of the launch, three Goddard Executives (300/Rich

Barney, 300/Eric Isaac, and 500/Dennis Andrucyk) were sitting

in the control room playing Angry Birds and trying to under-

stand their roles and responsibilities on the team. After it was

declared that LDCM had successfully achieved orbit insertion

the three misinterpreted the jubilation in the control room as

authorization to prematurely power on the Thermal Infrared

Sensor (TIRS) and Operational Land Imager (OLI) instruments

Having missed the necessary training, they all reached for the

activation button at the same time (thinking it was akin to strik-

ing the bell used in Safety Jeopardy). Within seconds, all three

were no longer follically challenged. Unbenownst to them,

Code 580 had programmed in an Executive Incompetence EgoInhibit Operation, or EIEIO. The EIEIO not only prevented the

executives from powering on the instruments, but a bug in the

software also created exact replicas of the hair styles each of

them sported in high school! Although this is not the type of

image that the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS) was expected to

publically reveal from these instruments, you can see that it

might be worth a visit to the VAFB to see what could happen for

you. Rich, Eric, and Dennis were elated to one up the infa-

mous Mohawk Man from JPLs Mars Science Lander launch.

Realizing the commercial potential of this unintended inven-

tion, the Innovative Partnership Program Office is already seek-ing a corporate sponsor to license the technology.

This minor government glitch, sequestration,

Is leaving everything in an uproar.

Restricted travel and training.

Even the fun--it is waning.

Not enough funding to clean the office floor.

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Sequester-Inspired Long-term Jobs

These jobs will be filled in the traditional way using the

GOBBS system, by the use of brief resumes and informal

interviews. The following full-time positions are a sampling of

announcements and their associated prerequisites:

1. Security Guard (requires basic firearms training)

2. Grounds Keeper (must provide own lawnmower and rake)

3. High Voltage Electrical Maintenance Worker (requires

ESD certification)

4. ACES Service Technician (no computer

experience required)

5. Employee Assistance Program (EAP) Counselor (requires

SATERN course GSFC-PSY-EASY, Applied Psychology for

the non-professional)

6. Medical Director (Requires GED and 4-hour SATERN course

GSFC-SH-CPRAED, American Heart Association primer in

CPR and AED use)

Sequester-Inspired Day Laborer Jobs

When civil servants need a WBS for part-time or short-term

work, the day laborer model will be adopted as often seen

outside Home Depot. Employees are instructed to report

outside the main gate to the fenced-in Work Detail Corral.

Employees for hire are to line up in an orderly fashion by pay

grade. Hiring managers may conduct non-contact examina-

tions of the pool of laborers but must make prompt selectionsto promote the safe flow of traffic. In order to comply with the

Centers anti-harassment policy, managers may not dehuman-

ize workers or ask them to perform personal services. All day

laborers are to be promptly returned to the corral at the end of

the workday. Drivers are required to come to a complete stop

when dropping off their laborers.

Documents

Apr2013 AETD Monthly Message April Fool's Edition