Amendment 99

7/26/2019 Amendment 99

1/6

Amendment 99

By Rodney Ohebsion

Most people have a lot to say about the government--but almost none of those

people really get to the crux of the matter. I mean, there's a matter, and there's

a crux. lot of people bring up the matter. But !hen it comes to the crux, they

don't get to it. "hey don't get to the crux of the matter, the !ay I'm gonna get

to the crux of the matter right no!. lthough no! that I thin# about it, I'm notsure I #no! !hat the !ord $crux$ means. %hat the hell is a crux&

ny!ays, let's tal# about the government. %hat's the one thing our

government cares about the most& I'll give you a clue. et's say that you record

yourself burning an merican flag, punching a life si(e Obama doll in the face,

and eating a do(en )rispy )reme donuts--and then you post that video on

*ou"ube, and you title it, $+uc# merica, +uc# Obama, I ove onuts.$

%hat'll the government do& othing. "hey !on't arrest you, they !on't fine

you, and they !on't even post a comment on your video that says, $ust areminder, donut boy/ !e told you to eat five servings of fruits and vegetables a

day.$ o!, let's say instead of doing all that stuff, you save Obama's life, you

eat a do(en carrots, and you have three cents in unpaid taxes. %hat'll the

government do& %ell, at 0/11, Obama !ill sha#e your hand for saving his life.

t 0/12, he'll tell you to get out of his office. nd at 0/31, 4ncle 5am !ill !rap

a flag around your nec# and s6uee(e until three pennies pop right out of your

ass. Because here's some crux for you/ !hen it comes to money, the

government is gonna get paid. If they find out that 7eorge %ashington o!es

them three cents, then they'll dig up his corpse, ta#e his !ooden teeth, andchop do!n his cherry tree.

"he love of money is the root of all government. If you have a 8ob, the

government acts li#e you're out on the street !or#ing for them. 9very time you

get a paychec#, 4ncle 5am tells you, $7ive me my cash and get bac# to !or#,

bitch:$ Is he your uncle, or your pimp& t the IR5, they refer to all taxpayers as


2/6

$ho's.$ s in, $"his ho is hiding cash: I better notify our epartment of Open a

;o's


3/6

of his ). Fery nice. )udos to him and his ). nd secondly, it appears as if !e

have ourselves a bit of a disagreement. "he thing is, !e're GreatBritain. %e're

great. re you guys great& re you great merica& o. *ou're not even 7ood

merica, or even O) merica. *ou're 8ust merica. "herefore, !e, 7reat

Britain, refuse to piss off. o! give us our cash and get bac# to !or#, you dirtymerican ho's:$

"hen the colonies !on the Revolutionary %ar and passed the Eonstitution. It

says, $"his is merica: lright& o! let's get to the crux of the matter. round

here, !e don't pay tea taxes. nd !e don't !atch foreign movies. %e

mericani(e them. 'Eause 7eorge %ashington doesn't !ant to !atch

+renchmen eating croissants. ;e !ants to see mericans drin#ing gravy

straight out of a gravy boat. 45: 45: lso, around here, !e don't believe in

all that #ing and 6ueen bullshit. %e go !ith the people'sbullshit--a.#.a.

democracy. 5o there you go. "here's the Eonstitution. But !ait. "here's more.

"he amendments. mericans have the right to say shit, not say shit, vote for

shit, #eep their shit, shoot shit, and drin# shit. nd they can't be punished for

shit before they're convicted of it, tried for shit after they've been ac6uitted of

it, or !hipped and tarred and feathered for shit after they've been convicted of

it.$

O). I thin# !e're getting closer to the crux. %e're getting there. et's continue.

"here's a Eonstitution. o!adays, !e have the right to vote for shit. *ou, ohnG.


4/6

something a little unconstitutional about all of this. nd I smell a lot of piss on

my chair. I thin# !e need to let those politicians #no! that if they !ant to pee,

they better do it in a toilet. nd if they run up a =@ trillion bill, they better

deliver us =@ trillion !orth of shit. =@ trillion in, =@ trillion out. It ain't magic.

%e're not as#ing the government to ta#e a hat, and then pull out a rabbit thatlays a goose that lays a =@ trillion golden egg. %e 8ust !ant to see the

government put a 6uarter in their left hand, and then not ma#e that 6uarter

disappear.

;ere's an idea. et's hogtie 4ncle 5am, and drop that son of a bitch off at

%almart. "hat'll fix the budget. o you #no! ho! much you can get at

%almart for =@ trillion& re you #idding me& t %almart, you can run a

country for 8ust =@billion. "hat's enough to get you universal health care,

311,111 "Fs, 0 militaries, a million 7arth Broo#s Es, and 032 million bald

eagle sleeveless t-shirts. I'm a pissed off, patriotic merican !ho believes in

the Eonstitution. "hat's !hy last year, I didn't send the IR5 a =31,111 chec#. I

sent them a =31,111 %almart gift card.

But I'm not so sure that's gonna fix the budget. I have an even better idea.

;ave you ever heard of a citi(en's arrest& %ell, I !ant to ma#e a citi(en's

amendment. mendment >A. $"he 11 billion on potato peelers. mendment >C/ $"he

emocratic and Republican parties shall be banned from E, and replaced

!ith the %almart and )ardashian parties. "he only politicians !e !ant here


5/6

are Barac# ;ussein %alton and 7eorge %. )ardashian. nd lets's also add an

9xtra Falue


6/6

can buy all of that shit for CC cents. ;ave you ever heard of supply, demand,

and the rules of economics& "he CC Eent 5tore invalidates CC of those rules.

*ou !ant a calendar !ith cute pictures of #itten& t Barnes and oble, it's

=32. t %almart, it's =0. t the CC Eent 5tore, it's 00 cents, and it's next to a

pair of CC cent 8eans and a pac#et of 00 cent magic beans. %hen you plant thebeans, they gro! into CC rolls of toilet paper. %hen you go to %almart after

the CC Eent 5tore, %almart's prices ma#e you feel enraged. *ou feel li#e

protesting by thro!ing their merchandise into the Boston ;arbor. %ith a lot

of stores, you leave feeling guilty that you spent so much. But the CC Eent

5tore is different. %hen you !al# into one !ith t!enty dollars, and you !al#

out !ith a !ee#'s !orth of food and a lifetime supply of soc#s, you feel guilty

that you spent so little. *ou do a double ta#e any time you're at the chec#out

stand. [email protected]& re you sure& "hat can't be right. *ou do reali(e I have CC

carts full of tube soc#s, enchiladas, hot sauce, and bananas.$ *eah. It's onestep a!ay from shoplifting. fter!ards, you go to church. $+orgive me

+ather--for I have sinned. "he ay-o guy spent all day gathering bananas, the

"ally-man counted 3C0 of them--and I bought all of those bananas for CC

cents.$

I thin# it's time for us to dump some tea in a harbor, dump some

Eongressman in a landfill, and ma#e the E9O of the CC Eent 5tore the )ing of

merica. %ho's !ith me&

Documents

Amendment 99