9 Skills for Listening to Life

7/29/2019 9 Skills for Listening to Life

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9SkillsforListeningtoLife

GeoffreyCaine,LL.M.


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TableofContents

Introduction

WhyListen?

Chapter1

WhichofTheseAppliestoYou?ASituationChecklist

Chapter2

5PillarsofGreatListening

Chapter3

9ListeningSkillsforDifferentCircumstances

Chapter4

BuildGeneralListeningCapacity

Chapter5NextSteps

AbouttheAuthor


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Introduction

WhyListen?

Lifeismessy.Lifeisnoisy.Lifeisrushed.Thatmeansthatwhilelifeisrichwith

possibility,itisalsofullofmissedopportunities,problemsbigandsmall,

miscommunication,andmistakes.Sothemoretoolswehavefordealingwiththe

demandingaspectsoflife,thebetter.

Onesetoftools,lyingrightunderournoses,istheunderutilizedandsurprising

poweroflistening.

IgainedafreshunderstandingoflisteningwhenIleftAustraliaandcametolivein

theUnitedStatesmanyyearsago.YoumightsaythatImanaccidental

immigrant.Icametovisitsomeone.Sevendayslaterweweremarried.Fourdays

afterthatIdiscoveredthatIwasgoingtoimmigrate.Lifecanbelikethat.And

thiswasquiteashockforsomeonewhousedtopridehimselfontakingthetimeto

thinkthingsthrough.ImthrilledthatIimmigrated,butitwasdifCicult.Ilandedin

alifornia.Othersmaythinkthataliforniaislaidback,butthepeopleheredo

thingsfast!TheyspeakmorequicklythanIdo,jumpfromthistothat,andhavea

wholesetofreferencesthatmeantnothingtomewhenICirstarrived.SoCinding

therightwaytojumpintoaneverydayconversation,letalonegettingafeelfor

whatpeopleweretalkingabout,wastoughforme.Allthat,andIalsoneededto


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Cindawaytoearnaliving!Ihadnochoicebuttoadaptandlearntolivehere.

Thatforcedmetolisteninanentirelynewway.

Inthisconstantlychangingworld,mostofusareimmigrantsinsomeway,andwe

canallbeneMitfromdeeperandmorepowerfullistening.Peoplemovefromstateto

state,relationshiptorelationship,jobtojob,projecttoproject.Thentheresthe

onlineworld.WriterarkPrenskytalksabouttheonlineworldintermsofdigital

nativesanddigitalimmigrantspeopleathomewiththeworldofinformation

technologyandotherswhoarejustdippingtheirtoesinthedigitalwater.Ifever

youwanttoseeafailuretocommunicate,youcanseeitbetweenmanyofthe

citizensofthosetwoworlds.Oneofthemostbasictoolsavailabletoallofthese

immigrantsisthepoweroflistening.

Itsnotthatmostpeoplehavesuddenlystoppedlistening.Itsjustthatas

everythingabouttheworldspeedsup,andasthetsunamiofonlineopinionsheats

up,andastheurgencytomakeinstantdecisionsMlaresup,listeningtendstoget

trampledunderfoot.

Thisisunfortunatebecauselisteningandthinkingaresoulmates.Ifwedontor

cantlisten,thentheoddsarethatwearenotdoingenoughthinking.Thatsa

disaster-in-waitingforeverythingfrommaritalpeace,tomakinggoodbusiness

decisions,togettingagenuinelygreateducation.


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Sothisisabookaboutlistening.InitIwill

describeseveraltypesofsituationsinwhichadditionallisteningskillswould

helpenormously.

introduceMivepillarsoflistening.

spelloutninespeciMiclisteningskills.

outlinethreebasiccapacitiesthatopenthedoorstohearing(andseeing)

manymorepossibilities.

Aseducators,managers,parentsandothers,wehavetorealizethatthepeoplewith

whomweliveandworkpassionatelyloveandwanttofeelheard.Andsodowe.

Beingheardinandofitselfenhancesmotivation,buildsrelationship,encourages

cooperation,andcontributestobetterresults.

Listeningandbeinglistenedtoaregreatgifts,andtheycanbefreelyavailable

everywhere.Wedohavetoworkforthem,however.


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Chapter1

WhichofTheseAppliestoYou?

ASituationChecklist

ThoughthereareoccasionswhenaCirmhandisneeded,Ilearnedearlythat

oneofthemostimportantqualitiesofaleaderislisteningwithoutjudgment.

PhilJackson

uchofthetime,particularlywhenwearerushedorfeelingstressed,listening

morecarefullyisthelastthingonourminds.Basically,wejustwanttoresolvethe

issuewhateveritisnow.Sometimeswemaynotevenbeawarethatthereisa

situationthatneedsresolving.Sometimesthingscreepuponusunawares,likethe

proverbialfrogwhodoesntevennoticetheboilingwateruntilitstoolate.

SometimesgatheringinformationbylisteningtoothersispartofourjobdeMinition.

Journalistsneedtolistenastheyinterviewpeopleforastory.Architects,doctors,

realtors,andconsultantsofallkindshelpclientsbyascertainingthefacts;listening

isvitaltotheirlivelihood.Andteachers,trainersandcoachesallneedtolistenin

ordertodoagoodjob.


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Butitsnotalwayswork-related.Parents,friends,colleaguesandevenjustfellow

humanbeingsneedtoknowwhenthosearoundthemneedguidance,supportand/

orhelp.Howwouldwelearnifnotforlisteningandhearing?

Inanyevent,whetherwearestaringacrisisintheface,dealingwiththechallenges

ofeverydaylife,orareimmersedinsomethingsoordinarythatitMliesbyunnoticed,

itmaynotbeclearthatweneedtomodifythewaywelisten.

BelowyoullMindsometypicalscenarios.Justbylookingthroughthemyouwill

expandyourawarenessoftherangeofsituationsthatcanbeimprovedbylistening.

Checkwhichofthesemightapplytoyou.

1.Thereisaproblemwithaproject

Anemployeeorcolleagueseemstohavescrewedupaproject.(S)hemayhavebeen

negligentorincompetent.Butitisalsopossiblethat

(s)hereceivedlousyinstructions,or

hasbeensabotagedbyothersintheorganization,or

didnothavetheresourcesthatsheneeded,or

hasbeenleftinthelurchbyothersshereliedon.


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Unlessyouknowallthefactsyoucannotpossiblydealwiththesituation

appropriately.Andthatcancostyouinmanyways,fromdamagingtheprojectto

losingagoodemployee.

Unfortunately,theoddsarethatthisproblemwilloccurwhenadeadlineis

approachingoryouhaveathousanddifferentplacesyouhavetobeatthesame

timeorsomeotherurgentfactoristuggingatyourtimeandpatience.Itdoesnt

matter.Youhavetograbyourselfbythescruffofyourownneck,breathedeeply,

andlistencarefully.

2.Youhavestartedsomethingnew

aybeyoureateacherinanewschool,anewhireinabusiness,oran

administratorwhosjustbeenpromotedwithnewstafftosupervise.Thenagain,

perhapsyouvejustmovedintoanewneighborhoodor,likeme,yourean

immigrantfromanothercountry.Whilemanyaspectsofyournewsituationwillbe

familiar,somemaybeverydifferent.Partofthekeytodicoveringhowthenew

peopleandplacesworkistolistenforsuchthingsas

basicroutinesandproceduresthateveryoneelsetakesforgranted,or

whatmakespeoplelaugh,or

ofMicepoliticsnotingthepeoplewhoaretreatedasthedominantmembers

ofthegroup,irrespectiveoftheirplaceonthetotempole,or

thetoneinwhichpeoplecommunicate.


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Thereisalwaysarhythmandpatterntothewaysinwhichpeopleworkandplay

together,andmuchofthatisconveyedinthewaysinwhichtheytalktoeachother

andinteract.Knowingwhattolistenforandknowinghowtolistenareimmensely

valuableinmakingsenseofthesenewsituations.Beingagoodlistenerwillhelp

youconnectandfeellikeyoureathomeratherthanastrangerinastrangeland.

3.Arelationshipmaybeinneedofrepair

Aspousemaybeabruptandnon-communicative.aybethereareproblemsinyour

relationship,butitisalsopossiblethat

(s)hehassomehealthissues,or

thereisaproblematwork,or

(s)heisdesperatelyworriedaboutachildorMinances,or

(s)hehasmisunderstoodorishurtbysomethingthatyousaid.

Relationshipsaretoughbecausethereissomuchgoingonbeneaththesurface,and

manydifferentissuesmaybeplayingthemselvesoutsimultaneously.Whateveris

goingon,oneofthecentralkeystobuildingandmaintainingagoodrelationshipis

tolisten.No,toreally,listen!

4.Someoneforwhomyouareresponsiblemayneedyourhelp


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Astudentmaybemisbehavinginclass,orperhapsasubordinateatworkappearsto

becarelessandimprecise.Itmaybethat(s)heneedstobedealtwithMirmly,orthat

(s)heisnotputtingintheeffortthatisneeded.Butitisalsopossiblethat(s)he

isthevictimofbullying,or

maybehungry,or

ishavingproblemsathome,or

hasverypoorvisionorhearingthathasgoneundiagnosed.

Theenormoustemptationistorespondtowhatappearstobehappeningonthe

surfacewithasharpwordorexhortationtobuckleupanddobetter.Butyourjob,

whateveritis,involvesmorethandisciplineandkeepingsomeonesnosetoa

grindstone.Asateacher,supervisor,orparent,yourjobistohelpthatperson

develop.Youneedtogettothebottomofthesituation,whateveritis.Again,that

meansthatsomelisteningisinorder.Thereisnochoicebuttolisten.

5.Youhaventnoticedsignalsandmessageswaitingtobeheard

ThiscamehometomerecentlyafterICinallytookmywifesadvicetostopdelaying

myannualcheckup.Idecidedtotryanewdoctorwhospecializedinlifestyle

changeratherthancuringdisease.Hewasnotimpressedwiththestateofmy

health.Amongotherthingshesaidthatacriticalkeytohealthandweightloss

wasnutrition,andherecommendedaversionoftheMediterraneandiet,including

lotsofvegetables.Sowheredoesthelisteningcomein?Well,mywifehasspent


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yearsurgingmetoeatmorevegetablesandIdidntlisten.Didnthear.Didnt

notice.Yetnow,sometimeintothatchangeindietandlifestyle,Ifeelfabulous!

Imlosingweightwithouteffort.AndIannoymywifebypreachinghealthand

offeringhermysageadviceonherdiet.(Reformedpeoplesooftenseemtobecome

zealots.)

Why,then,didntIlistentomywifeintheMirstplace?Afterall,Icoachpeopleon

listening,andlearning,andontheartofmakingsenseofthingsbyprocessing

experience.

Onebasicsourceofblindspotswherewedonothearwhatneedstobeheard

iswhatafriendofminecalledthefallacyofthefamiliar.Sometimesthesame

messageandthesamesignalskeeponrepeatingthemselves,andwejustassume

thatweknowexactlywhattheymean.Perhapswedo.Butoftenwedont.

Onecrucialaspectoflistening,then,hastodowithbeinggenerallymoreawareof

whatisgoingonaroundusandofthemessagesthataresittingupandbeggingtobe

noticed.

6.Youarelisteningforthesheerjoyoflistening


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Allthescenariosabovehavetodowithgettingthingsdoneorsolvingproblems.But

thereismoretolifethanthat.Thereisthejoyoflisteningtoagreatconcert,

shootingthebreezewithfriends,hearingababylaugh.Therearethoseunexpected

andwonderfullydeepconversationswhenwearesimplyexploringtogether

withoutknowingwherewearegoing.Atthecoreoftheseaspectsoflisteningisthe

sheerjoyofbeingalive.Theseconversationstapintodeepermeaningsand,

sometimes,bringaninnerpeacethatmakeslifeitselfmorevibrant.

Thebottomline

Peoplearedifferent.Asmuchaswewouldliketo,wecannotcompletelyseeinto

theheartandmindandactionsofsomeoneelse.Situationsarecomplex.As

knowledgeableandexpertaswemaybe,therearealwayshiddenelementsthat

needtobeunpacked.SoanyoneCEO,teacher,parent,punditmayknowalot,

butthereisalwaysmuchmorethatwedontknow.

Itwouldbewellworthyourtimetotakeamomentortwotothinkaboutsituations

inyourlifeproblematical,enjoyable,orbothwhichcouldbeneMitfrombetter

anddeeperlistening.Youllbeamazedatwhatturnsup.


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9 Skills for Listening to Life

Copyright 2013 by Geoffrey Caine


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9 Skills for Listening to Life