7 Types of Alligators That Can Ruin a Sunday2.docx

Alligators are reptiles that are little changed from their prehistoric ancestors. They live in and around water. Alligators are an important part of the ecosystem. That being said, they are not cuddly creatures. They do not make good pets. And, if given the chance, they will bite the hand that feeds them. These alligators are NOT the subject of this report. Rather this report is about people. Specifically it’s about members of faith communities or the leaders or staff of those communities who, from time to time, behave somewhat like alligators. Some of these ‘alligators’ will have a reputation for being difficult, picky, unreliable, bossy, a bully, competitive, negative, stick-in-the-muds, impossible to please, cold, judgmental…. You get the idea. Others don’t have that kind of reputation, but all of a sudden they’re behaving in those ways. These are the different personalities and behaviors of people that clash with the mission and ministry of your faith community. They make life very difficult for pastors, spiritual leaders, staff and other members. Curiously, the personality qualities that make a person an ‘alligator’ can be very beneficial and useful. Actually, they are likely strengths that the person has. But when these personality qualities become the only quality a person is using, they get blown out of proportion and turn from a strength into a problem. When people get into ‘alligator’ mode it gets hard for others to see anything positive in that personality quality that is being used to ‘snap’ and ‘bite’ at others. The purpose of this report is three-fold:

1. Learn how to quickly assess different and difficult personality styles 2. Respond, not react to ‘alligator’ behavior 3. Increase your own self-awareness and improve your communication

skills

7 Types of ‘Alligators’ That Can Ruin a Sunday

and

What to Do About Them!

How to Have Less Stress, More Harmony,

and Better Communication - So You and Your Ministry Can Thrive

by

Kathleen Panning aflameministryconsulting.com

AFLAME MINISTRY CONSULTING 02/25/2015

KATHLEEN PANNING, PASTOR & FASCINATE CERTIFIED ADVISOR

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Note: the names given to the ‘alligator’ behaviors are not gender specific. Also, the description of each ‘alligator’ is a composite of behaviors and characteristics of one or more real persons. The personality characteristics talked about here are based on the seven personality advantages from the work of Sally Hogshead in her recent book, How the World Sees You (HarperCollins Publishers, ©2014). Other authors might use different words to describe these characteristics or add other basic personality traits beyond these seven. For the purposes here, these seven advantages or characteristics cover the broad spectrum of ‘alligator’ behavior. Now, get ready to meet the ‘alligators.’



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Drama Debbie

Have you encountered a member or staffer who uses drama to get his/her way? I have. My Drama Debbie sat in my office, stating her case about why things should be her way. When she didn’t get my immediate approval, the tears started to flow. When that didn’t seem to work as she wanted, through her tears there were angry words. If she had been five years old, I might have described her behavior as a tantrum. But she was a twenty-something year old adult who was basically having a melt-down. Drama was her way of dealing with the situation. Did the drama work? While this was all going on, the senior pastor came in and did basically agree to, not just some, but all of her demands. She got her wedding done her way, even though certain of her requirements were not proper and could even be called insulting.

As faith leaders it’s important to pick our battles. It was worth it to this bride-to-be to have the wedding of her dreams at all costs. She was passionate about who she did and did not want involved and how she wanted it done. That was very obvious. She quickly raised her passion to the level of grand drama. Logic, reasoning, rational thinking no longer had any place for her at that time. Even though she did get her way, it came at a cost. She and her family were seen by other members as being very insensitive and behaving inappropriately in some of their demands. They lost respect from many other members. Every Drama Debbie’s natural gift is passion. Passion is a wonderful thing. People with a gift for passion connect easily and deeply with others. They can also carry the torch for programs and the mission of your community. In other words, they can be great advocates for your mission and ministry and wonderfully gifted in welcoming others to your community.



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The problem comes when that passion and emotion becomes the only personality gift being used at the moment. Then it turns into drama and theatrics. The person becoming irrationally sensitive to anything but what they want and how they feel. How to respond to Drama Debbie alligators: Here are some ways to respond when someone is behaving like a Drama Debbie:

Remember that the emotions being expressed by Drama Debbie are her feelings and so are about her, not you (or anyone else in the room)

Try to discover the real source of the pain or fear in the feelings (it’s not always what is being expressed)

Suggest resuming the conversation at a time when everyone is calmer (or with fewer people involved)

Whatever you do, it is important to try to keep Drama Debbie in the community by finding ways to value her and the gift she brings to the community. By doing this, you will decrease her need to respond with drama. As a pastor, other faith leader or basic member of your faith community, if you stay loving and caring about Drama Debbie you will set an example for her about how to appropriately use her passion in support of other members and the mission of your community.



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What's Next Wally

What’s Next Wally volunteered to work with the church youth group. His creative energy and likability made him a really good fit with the youth. He had lots of ideas of what to do and was excited to get at all of it. Everything seemed to be going well. The first project got started with a bang. Youth and some of the other adults involved got excited about the idea. They started getting the ball rolling on it. At the next leadership meeting What’s Next Wally was now talking about a trip. When asked about the first project and how that was going, Wally said that others were now in charge of that and he was developing this trip. He gave the impression that the first project was moving along just fine. A couple of weeks later the other adults who were, according to Wally, taking on the first project, started talking about being frustrated that they weren’t getting any leadership or support from Wally. In fact, now there was mostly talk about a trip and the need to raise money for that with all kinds of fund raising events in the works. Youth who had been involved and excited about the first project were now being pulled to get involved in these fund raisers. It was hard for them to know where to focus their time and energy. A couple of months later the first project was abandoned by the other adults because everything was now about the trip. What’s Next Wally basically washed his hands of the first project. In the meantime, Wally was coming up with idea after idea for fund raisers for the trip. There were so many ideas and plans in the works at once that disorganization and chaos were created. Just like the first project that had been started, the whole idea of the trip was on the verge of falling apart. Adults and youth were getting frustrated and feeling hurt by Wally not supporting them as he moved to each new idea.



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Creativity and innovation are the gifts of What’s Next Wally. He’s the kind of person who can pump out idea after idea. He’s great at brainstorming but follow-through can be a challenge for him. When What’s Next Wally’s creativity and innovation go into high gear, chaos is likely to follow. Details and following procedures are not his thing. What’s Next Wally craves what’s new, unusual, outside the box, perhaps even outrageously different. Sticking with something to completion is boring. If one idea doesn’t work, so what. He’s on to the next. Others who were part of the idea that Wally sees as so yesterday are left to pick up the pieces while Wally is trotting on to what’s next. How to respond to What’s Next Wally alligators: Here are some ways to respond when someone is behaving like What’s Next Wally: Having a committee made up mostly of creative people like What’s

Next Wally will be great if what you need are ideas, but disastrous if the committee is there to get something done

Pair What’s Next Wally up on a committee or project with others who are good with the details and executing an idea

Don’t automatically dismiss What’s Next Wally’s off the wall and out of the box ideas since parts of or all of the idea could energize a project or community now or in the future

What’s Next Wally can be a real asset to your faith community. When in a hyper-creative mode he will not be the best person to be in charge of a project or program. But even then he can bring a breath of fresh air to a program, project or committee. What’s Next Wally can keep you on pace with and maybe even ahead of the curve with changes that will keep your ministry and mission vital for the youth and even adults of your community. The more open you are to hearing his ideas and valuing the creativity he brings, the more likely it is that he will be willing to channel his creative energy into ways that are useful for your community and a blessing to all.



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Negative Nancy

Negative Nancy had been on the church staff as the treasurer for decades. She was exacting in how the church records were kept.

Her monthly reports to the church board had so much detailed information (far be it from Negative Nancy to miss a detail) that they had a hard time figuring out what the balance was. Details that most others didn’t even care about were vitally important to her. Because she insisted that all details be accounted for, others often saw her as controlling. She was quality control on steroids! She wanted to avoid problems at all cost. There was one specific problem that really got Negative Nancy going – the possibility of not having enough money to pay the bills. The truth is that there had been some lean years when the church had to borrow some money. No one wanted that again. Negative Nancy took her own steps to make sure that didn’t happen. One fund at the church was getting revenue from a bequest that had been left to the church. That money had been accumulating for a couple of years. Negative Nancy was not showing that fund in her monthly reports to the board or in the annual report to the congregation. When the new pastor eventually found out about this and asked Nancy why this was not reported she said that she was afraid that if the members knew this money was there they would drop their giving and the church would again need to borrow money to pay its bills. If this were not enough, whenever someone on staff or a member talked with Negative Nancy about an idea for a new program or project she



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always pointed out potential problems (even the most unlikely ones) with funding it and with the idea itself. She did this to the point that others often thought that she was against everything. Hearing Negative Nancy beat the drum about possible negative consequences all the time got to be a real drag for others. Every Negative Nancy alligator has gifts, especially the gift of being alert in the sense of being able to look at an issue or project and foresee potential problems so that they can be avoided or at least managed. However, when someone goes to compulsive and controlling ends to avoid possible problems at all costs, then you have a Negative Nancy ‘alligator.’ How to respond to Negative Nancy alligators: Here are some ways to respond when someone is behaving like Negative Nancy: Negative Nancy is a logical thinker, so respond to her with logical

reasons Provide lots of structure for Negative Nancy and clear expectations

and she will deliver on time and as expected Negative Nancy does not like unknowns so keep her in the

communication loop for areas she’s involved in A Negative Nancy ‘alligator’ is not really against everything. She does want to avoid problems, sometimes so much so that she creates the impression of being against everything. Every faith community staff and every board and committee can benefit tremendously from someone with the gifts that Nancy can bring. Invite Negative Nancy in. Value her caution and logical reasoning. Put her in charge of a project and you will probably be thankful you did.



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Bully Bob

Bully Bob was a well-known business leader from the community. He was elected to the church board, the one that oversees the routine functioning of the community. He was not, however, elected as the chair of the board. Things went okay for a couple of months. But then Bully Bob began to criticize one of the pastors. He made it clear that he thought that pastor should leave. Bully Bob bolstered his criticism by saying that others, who he would not name, agreed with him about the way this particular pastor was doing things. Bob made it clear that if he was leading the church board there would already be a committee in place to work on getting this pastor removed. A couple of months later the pastor who Bully Bob didn’t like did resign. But Bob still wasn’t happy. There were other things going on in the church and with the way the board was working that he didn’t like. He had very definite ideas about the way things were supposed to be. Since the current chair of the board wasn’t doing things Bob’s way, Bob spoke about the chair of the board in ways that undermined the chairperson’s leadership. It was Bully Bob’s way or no way. Things finally got so bad that Bully Bob stopped coming to the church board meetings, but he refused to resign from the board. It seemed like his hope was that when it came time for the annual elections, that he could persuade new board members and a few current members to vote for him as chair rather than re-elect the current chair. Then he would be able to run things the “right” way. But before it got to the time for annual elections, everyone on the board got fed up with Bully Bob. Through the work of a friend as an intermediary,



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Bully Bob did recognize that he had overstepped the bounds and he resigned from the board. The Bully Bob ‘alligator’ is a person of power, someone with natural leadership skills. He has strong opinions and will freely share them, sometimes without being asked. He speaks with confidence and can be very motivating. He becomes the alligator Bully Bob when he goes from leading to demanding that it’s his way or the highway. Rather than asserting his point, he becomes aggressive, requiring that others shape up and do it ‘right.’ In a faith community Bully Bob sometimes will use his standing in the community or the threat of withholding financial support for a project or the whole ministry as leverage to be in control. How to respond to Bully Bob alligators: Here are some ways to respond when someone is behaving like Bully Bob: Don’t spend time with Bob on chit chat – get to the point and, when

possible, have facts to back up the point Bully Bob speaks with confidence so for your opinions and points to

really be heard by him, state your points confidently Bully Bob will tend to make decisions quickly and stick with a decision

once made. To change his view requires having data or overwhelming consensus presented in a concise and clear way

Remember, Bully Bob is actually a natural leader. Every faith community needs good leaders. Do whatever is possible to find a way and place to invite Bully Bob to use his leadership skills in helpful and positive ways. Evaluate his work with him and pair him with others who are respected by him and others in the community. With time, patience and care, Bully Bob can become Balanced Power Bob.



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Traditionalist Terri

There are several situations where Traditionalist Terri is likely to surface. One of the more common ones is when any change to worship times, worship style, or instruments used to accompany worship is proposed. At such times Traditionalist Terri can become very protective of the way things are. Traditionalist Terri does not like change, but definitely prefers the established routine.

For example, one Traditionalist Terri had a hard time with the congregation’s musician who often accompanied congregational singing on the piano, rather than the organ. This is a very skilled musician at the congregation who has brought a lot of life and vitality to their worship through his musical skills. But for Traditionalist Terri the church organ was there to be used for all the music during worship. After all, that’s the way it had always been, until the new musician showed up. And as for the musician’s improvising skills, Traditionalist Terri didn’t care for that either.

Another Traditionalist Terri volunteered to serve on the remodeling committee. There was one major concern for the committee; replacing the roof. Everyone agreed that the roof needed be done since there was a leak in one corner.

The church building was over 70 years old and the roof was still the original roof. A professional examination of the roof indicated that it was already well past it’s expected life. It was a metal roof.

As the committee began to consider what to do, several people were very enthusiastic about a new material that had a rubberized undercoating. Others said they should consider regular shingles. For Traditionalist Terri the only thing to consider was a new metal roof. Anything else was just unacceptable. The look of the building would change if a different roofing material was used and that was out of the question for Traditionalist Terri.



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Putting on a new metal roof raised some issues. None of the other metal roofs in the area had the beautifully patina of the existing roof. The ribs of the metal were much more pronounced on current metal roofs too. And there was the cost; a metal roof was the most expensive option.

Traditionalist Terri was totally relieved when another committee member found a company that had a metal ‘shingle’ that looked almost exactly like the ones currently on the roof. When the decision was finalized to go with the metal, Traditionalist Terri, was very happy, along with all the other traditionalists in the community. Any thought or suggestion to changing the look of the church building would never do!

Traditionalist Terri always complains whenever anything new is suggested, bewailing how much change is going on and how the traditions of your community are being thrown away and trampled to death. Still, she has a wonderful gift – trust. She will do whatever she says she will do. She has a long-term view and sees the future from the perspective of the past. She doesn’t mind, in fact prefers, a familiar routine. That way she knows she’ll get it right. From the perspective of others, she is often stuck in a rut and a stick-in-the-mud when it comes to change.

How to respond to Traditionalist Terri alligators:

Here are some ways to respond when someone is behaving like Traditionalist Terri:

o Traditionalist Terri is a great champion of knowing and passing along the history of your faith community – i.e. anniversary committee

o When changes are proposed, make sure Traditionalist Terri knows how the changes will make things better for all and she will go with the change and stay loyal to the community

o Traditionalist Terri is comfortable doing things others consider to be routine

Traditionalist Terri is very loyal with whatever and whoever she builds a long lasting relationship. Every faith community needs stable and loyal members like her. Respect her need for stability and her respect for the past.



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Superior Sam

Superior Sam was the new lead pastor of a large congregation. There were several other pastors and other full time program leaders on the staff, as well as secretaries and custodians. Everyone knew that with the arrival of Superior Sam he might have

some different ideas about who he wanted to work with. In other words, the other pastors and program leaders knew that they might be ‘asked’ to leave. Understandably, this alone created tension among the staff. It didn’t take long for staff to begin to get a sense of Superior Sam’s style. At staff meetings he began raising the question about how each person could do things better, what else they could do to improve on what they were already doing. In response to this, all the staff as well as the leaders of committees stepped up their efforts. About four months after arriving Superior Sam started meeting one on one with the other pastors to see how things were going. At the end of that meeting, one of those pastors, Pastor J, came away feeling like no matter what he did it wouldn’t be enough to please Superior Sam, at least not for long. Pastor J felt like he was already doing so much with his area of responsibility that he didn’t know how to make it better other than by putting in more hours. He was already putting in so many hours that his family life was being affected. Superior Sam didn’t seem to care about that. In add to pushing the staff to always get better, Superior Sam liked to be in the lime-light himself. He would conveniently drop the name of some well-known or influential person that he knew. On top of this Superior Sam let others know, in subtle and not so subtle ways, that he knew he was not just good, but better than just about anyone in certain areas.



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Superior Sam didn’t settle for second best for himself. Nor was he going to settle for second best for the congregation or from the staff. His competitive nature was in overdrive. As superior, arrogant and cold as Superior Sam seemed to be to some, he had the gift of prestige, of having high standards and earned a lot of respect by living up to his own standards. He expected of others really no less than he expected of himself. For some people, some of those standards were unrealistic. Superior Sam’s constant striving and pushing to improve and get to the next level left many with the feeling that they would never be good enough for him. How to respond to Superior Sam alligators: Here are some things to keep in mind and ways to respond, when someone is behaving like Superior Sam:

Superior Sam is ambitious and will always look for ways to improve things

Don’t embarrass Superior Sam in public, handle critiques and criticism privately with him

Superior Sam is goal-oriented and will help a team or committee stay focused on their task to reach that goal

Every faith community, committee, staff or team will benefit from the high standards that Superior Sam can bring. When not in his Superior Sam mode, he will bring respect, results, discipline, insight and class to all that he does and is involved with.



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Mysterious Mary Mysterious Mary was the chair of the church board. She led the meetings like she did most everything else, very quietly.

A great description of her was introverted. Yes, she would engage in some conversation, but most of the time all she did was ask a question once in a while about the current item on the meeting agenda. It was always about getting the details straight. And then, Mysterious Mary would go silent again. In fact, sometimes the only things Mysterious Mary said during a meeting were what was necessary, i.e. calling the meeting to order, calling for a vote when needed and so on. Mysterious Mary’s silence made some of the other board members really nervous. They couldn’t figure out what she was thinking. They wanted to know if she was in favor of what was being discussed or against it. She wouldn’t give any indication one way or the other during discussion. Since there was seldom a tie in any vote among the board members, Mysterious Mary didn’t even vote on matters. Once there was a tie vote on an issue and it came down to Mysterious Mary having to vote to decide the issue. She voted against the proposed new program, but without any comment as to why, even after being asked. The committee that had brought the proposal was at a loss to try to figure out what they might need to change to get her support. After the board meeting the committee chairperson stopped Mysterious Mary and asked to hear her reasons for voting against the proposal. She said she didn’t have time right then, but to send her an email. The committee chairperson felt like the idea was probably dead in the water with Mysterious Mary but did follow up with an email to her.



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Mysterious Mary’s response came back with comments about clarifying the details of the financial requirements for the program. There wasn’t a word about what Mysterious Mary actually thought about the program. The committee chairperson knew her well enough to know that Mysterious Mary’s final approval or disapproval would rest on more than just financial details. But she gave no clue as to where she stood on that, leaving the committee chairperson fearing that she disapproved. Mysterious Mary seems closed down and so introverted that she doesn’t share anything. But she actually has a very valuable gift of mystique; she is a great listener. When she does communicate, as long as she’s not deeply into Mysterious Mary mode, she gets to the heart of a matter or will share wise thoughts on a topic. How to respond to Mysterious Mary alligators: Here are some ways to respond when someone is behaving like Mysterious Mary:

Be knowledgeable about what you share with Mysterious Mary, have your facts straight and do not dumb down information to her

Don’t hound Mysterious Mary to make a decision, but do stay in touch

Mysterious Mary won’t show much emotion, nor will she show her cards all at once

Mysterious Mary is a quiet but valuable asset in your faith community, whether on committee or board or not. Others will do well to pay attention to what she shares. She will not share a lot, but when she does, it will be of value. She’s not the warm, fuzzy type. There may even be times when she feels more cold and distant. Her mystique makes her a wonderful storyteller and can build a sense of anticipation for good things in your community.



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Well, there they are, the 7 ‘alligators’ that can ruin a Sunday (or any other day of the week) and some ideas about how to handle them. Have you identified any of these ‘alligators’ roaming around your faith community? On your staff? How about in yourself? Lest we think that these alligator behaviors only show up in others, know that there are times when we each become like one of these ‘alligators.’ Are you more likely to be a Drama Debbie, What’s Next Wally, Negative Nancy, Bully Bob, Traditionalist Terri, Superior Sam, or Mysterious Mary? If you can identify a time when you became the ‘alligator’ version of yourself and then can think about what the unmet need or fear was (the most likely reasons) that sent you into ‘alligator’ mode, you will be well on the way to understanding what will send someone else into the same sort of ‘alligator’ mode. When you are in ‘alligator’ mode, which of the suggested responses for your particular ‘gator’ would be most helpful for you? Do you have other suggestions of what would be helpful or not so helpful responses? However you respond to these questions, I am here to support you with improving self-awareness and communication skills so that the mission and ministry of your faith community are aflame with God’s love. For more information or to discuss how to respond to the specific ‘alligators’ you deal with, contact me, Kathleen Panning, a Fascinate Certified Advisor. Email: [email protected] Phone: 803-604-9161 Also, check out my programs on my website: aflameministryconsulting.com

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7 Types of Alligators That Can Ruin a Sunday2.docx