59.01

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper2 28 August 2006

Four years ago, I stepped onto this campus as a 17-year-old freshman living in the dorms with no car, no friends, and plenty of time on my

hands. On weekends, I often found myself taking trips to the bookstore to spend extra cash (I would later find out that extra cash would go towards beer) on various items to pump up my school spirit. I had thought that it was my fault that I felt no sense of community on the completely abandoned campus.

“Maybe everyone is down at the social mixer, hoo-tin’ and a hollerin’ for our favorite sports teams,” I remember thinking, “maybe next time I’ll catch the bus before they leave, and won’t have to spend my Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights peeking my head down the Los Cerritos halls in hopes of finding some sort of soul to connect with.”

So I bought a yellow and black CSULB t-shirt at the bookstore. Surely the next time everyone was rounding up hoards of students on the pep-bus they’d see me, in my obnoxious yellow shirt, and say, “Damn, that boy has some spirit! Let’s invite him along to the tailgate party. Debbie would totally love to meet a guy like that.”

I also bought a heather gray CSULB Basketball shirt just in case anyone was happening to start a game of pick-up and needed an extra player. They never did.

With my t-shirts in hand, and 49er spirit oozing out of every pore, I began my long and lonely trek from the bookstore back to the dorms. I couldn’t de-cide which shirt I wanted to wear first, and, realizing that I couldn’t wear either without my LB baseball cap that I left in my room, I chose to wear neither for the time being. Instead, I whistled a happy tune as I stepped off the USU escalator.

It was Saturday, mind you, and while I didn’t re-alize it then, I now look back on what was about to happen to me and regard it as quite odd, and frankly almost a kidnapping. There was a man in his mid-to-late thirties sitting alone at one of the USU patio tables with nothing but a copy of the Los Angeles Times.

Hastening my step, I attempted to get past the un-comfortable stranger without being noticed. But it was no use, the overwhelming stench of school spirit must have sparked his attention, and he quickly shouted out to me.

“You go here?” the man with the newspaper said. “I sure do,” I gleefully proclaimed.“Why?” he asked with a real sense of concern in

his voice. “I guess I liked the campus,” I told myself. The man

with the newspaper heard me as well.“This place is like Disneyland,” the man instructed

me, “It may seem nice now, but wait and see, there’s nothing here worthwhile.”

I shrugged off his words of wisdom, pushing it from the forefront of my mind, which was currently occu-pied with thoughts of t-shirts and social mixers, to the deep recesses of my sub-conscious, where it would be able to properly fester until a later date.

Months went by, and while I was beginning to make friends, I still found myself searching for some sense of community or pride in my fellow students. This began to concern me. Those festering words be-gan to bubble to the forefront of my mind, but I was just too stubborn for them to have any effect on me, and I beat them down with hours upon hours of de-nial and repression.

Then three years flew by. Three or four majors, a handful of alcohol poisonings, a sampling of hal-lucinogens, and a couple of failed relationships later, I began to realize what that frightening man really meant.

There was no substance to this school. There was no sense of community, no sense of pride, and noth-ing that should have kept me there. Except, that is, for the Union Weekly.

Somewhere along the line, a few years earlier, I had drifted into a dank, dark hole in the middle of the Student Union and found a home. It was a rag-tag group of individuals putting together what was only described as “the Free Speech newspaper.” Though no two of us were quite the same, we all had the same thing in common. We had been beaten down by the system but had somehow fallen through the cracks and into the Union office.

I had become so disillusioned with CSULB by this point that I desperately needed to find a place to vent my frustrations. The Union printed every last filthy, vile word I could think of, and when I couldn’t think of any more, they encouraged me to make up new ones. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was home.

And now, it is finally hitting me: I am the Edi-tor-in-Chief of the newspaper that gave me a second chance. I am responsible for shining the bright beacon of hope across an otherwise dark campus in search of those wearing obnoxious yellow t-shirts.

But I also realize that there isn’t room for the 35,000 that need saving in our tiny little office, which is why we are trying to reach out to the campus in new and different ways. From a monthly film series on Friday nights to give students something to do, to a semi-regular podcast series so that you’re never far from your friends at the Union, to a dedicated group of fans to root for our sports teams, we’re doing our best to make this campus feel more like college.

Looking back, I am thankful for that horrific man’s kind words of advice, because without him, I wouldn’t have strived to find something worthwhile on this campus, and I wouldn’t have found the Union.

Do me a favor and ask yourself why you came here.

Brian J. Dunning [email protected] Gould [email protected] Guardabascio [email protected] EditorsKatie Wynne [email protected] Relations DirectorConor Izzett [email protected] Manager

Ryan Kobane [email protected] DirectorErin Hickey [email protected] EditorJJ Fiddler [email protected] EditorMatt Byrd [email protected] EditorMike GuardabascioCreative Arts EditorFancy Lash [email protected] Editor

Patrick Dooley [email protected] DirectorMike GuardabascioLiterature EditorMichael Pallotta [email protected] EditorMatt Dupree [email protected] EditorJennifer Perry [email protected] Editor

Philip Vargas [email protected] EditorMike GuardabascioShar HigaErin HickeyDan SteinbacherCopy EditorBrian DunningConor IzzettDustin SpenceAdvertising Representatives [email protected] DunningJeff GouldGraphic DesignJeff GouldWeb Design

Shar HigaOn-Campus DistributionDustin SpenceOff-Campus Distribution

Michaël VeremansForeign CorrespondentMiles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Sean Boulger, Ryan ZumMallen, Jared Kenelm Collins, Giuliano De Pieri, Victor! Perfecto, Cynthia Romanowski, The ZillaContributors

Disclaimer and Publication InformationThe Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publica-tion. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions?Comments?Mail 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A

Long Beach, CA 90815Phone 562.985.4867Fax 562.985.5684E-mail [email protected] www.lbunion.com

“This place is like Disneyland.”

[Issue 59.1]

OnOurCover OurFavoritePodcast OurMovieSeries OurNewWebsiteTo truly capture the image of Rosie the Riveter for our cover, we turned to a person we knew that filled the proper requirements: having the costume. A huge thanks goes out to fourth-year student Emily Schramm who went as Rosie last year for Halloween. Our photographer was Jason Wittenberg.

Taking a bold step into the 21st century, a good portion of the Union Weekly staff will be partaking in vari-ous podcasts hosted through our site. The first podcast produced is Show Show, an absolutely raunchy talk show geared towards entertainment and news. It’s not for the light-hearted.

The dreamchild of our former Entertainment editor Katie Wynne, the Union Movie Series is making its debut on Friday, October 13th with a yet to be deter-mined (Friday the 13th Part 5) film. For next to nothing you’ll be able to enjoy an excellent bad film with popcorn, soda, and plenty of yelling at the screen.

If anyone has ever been to our website, you’ll know why we needed a new one. Managing Editor Jeff spent the summer creating the new site, which features com-menting on articles, a complete archive (past 3 years), links to our podcasts, and exclu-sive content too hot for print.

Letter from the Editor

What’sNewInTheUnionWeekly

-BrianDunning

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[Opinions]

Sharpen your pencils, restock your desks, and get ready to pay through the nose for just about everything. You’re back, and in the wise words of Union Weekly comic artist, Victor Perfecto, “You’re stuck here.”

Fortunately for you, there is a bright side: you’re off to a good start. You’re reading the Union Weekly, and that says something—you must be smart as hell. You took one glance at our dazzling yellow stands and recog-nized the product inside for what it truly is: a glimmering beacon of hope in what promises to be an otherwise dismal school year.

Student fees, waitlisted classes, Brotman Hall—veterans of this cam-pus have plenty to complain about and in about a week, you freshmen and transfers will too. This is why the Opin-ions page, the page on which the phe-nomenal words you are now reading are printed, is a sort of beacon within a beacon. Frustrating as the start of a new semester may be, take comfort in the fact that you’ve got a place to vent, because trust me, something will go wrong. By the end of your time here, I can personally guarantee that you will be outraged by at least one thing you read in the news, hear in your class-room, or see on the street.

Whatever your complaint, put it in print. As you walk across campus, and hear people murmuring in agreement as they read your words, you’ll feel fan-tastic. Plus, if you clip out your article and mail it to your parents, chances are that, brimming with pride, they’ll send you more money.

On that note, college isn’t all bad. Chances are you’ll also see a few things you like in the course of your four (re-alistically, five to seven) years at this university. Feel free to write about those as well. Any topic but parking is fair game. (Seriously. No parking ar-ticles. Ever. Believe me, it’s been said.)

Screw going to class; writing for The Union Weekly is a far more valu-able experience. Make your voice heard; this is one of the few opportu-nities you’ll have.

Questions? Comments?Erin Hickey can be reached at [email protected] comment online at www.lbunion.com

Questions? Comments?Questions can be directed to [email protected] comment online at www.lbunion.com

OpinionsOpinionsOpinionsOpinions

In America, our right to free speech is protected by the Constitution. Whether we like it or not, everyone has the right to say or think whatever they want. Currently, there’s a religious group called “God Hates Fags” that believes all American soldiers are damned to hell for fighting for a country that many be-lieve is immoral. Fortunately for these people, their First Amendment rights are constitu-tionally protected. Most patriotic Americans like myself hope these people suffer a long and agonizing death; however, as a student of constitutional law, I have to analyze just how far the constitutional rights of anyone extend. The God Hates Fags group, formed in Westboro, Kansas, openly protests at the fu-nerals of soldiers who have died in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The battle between free speech and pro-test is not about whether the people express-ing their opinions or views should be allowed to do so, but about where and when it is ap-propriate. Is a cemetery an appropriate place to stage a protest? Probably not. Cemeteries are places for burying the dead, not for hold-ing picket signs. People attend funerals to pay their respects to deceased relatives and friends one last time before they are low-ered into the earth’s soil. Thus, a funeral is not the appropriate time and place to stage a protest.

In matters concerning free speech, a distinguishing line is drawn between pub-lic and non-public forums. Specifically, a place is categorized either as one that is designated for speech or one that serves to function for the public but is not intended for speech. A cemetery falls into the latter category.

Common decency aside, cemeteries and funerals are neither the place nor time to make political statements. Are some people so fanatic about their beliefs that their sense of decency is lost? Whether or not one agrees with the war our soldiers are fighting, the soldiers are real people who deserve some decency in death. The truth here is that cem-eteries and funerals are not appropriate fo-rums for free expression, except as part of a ceremony for the deceased. In this case, we must remember that although we possess the right to free speech and expression, our decency and sense of propriety should not be lost simply because we have the ability to think, speak and express. As Marcus Tullius Cicero said, “Justice consists of doing no one injury, decency in giving no one offense.”

A Time and PlaceBy Giuliano De Pieri

Union Staffer

Sometimes I wish that the American gov-ernment worked as efficiently at eradi-cating problems as Hollywood does.

Tom Cruise has been fired from Paramount, you see. Viacom’s chairman—chairperson, if you will—Sumner Redstone cut Paramount’s ties with Cruise after a 14 year relationship with the actor. Redstone told The Wall Street Journal that Cruise’s “recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount.”

Interesting.Cruise’s last project with Paramount was

Mission: Impossible: III. Aside from containing more colons in its title than any other film re-leased this year, it’s not too bad. The movie got decent reviews, but more importantly—to a movie studio like Paramount, that is—the film was a success. It made a profit of over $240 million, making it the 9th highest grossing film of the year thus far. Granted, the film made less than the first two entries in the series, but still…two hundred and forty million dollars!

And yet Cruise is out because he stomped on Oprah’s couch and sired an allegedly non-existent baby.

So I’ve got to ask: What does George W. Bush have to do to get fired? Honestly, his approval rating must be lower than Cruise’s. Hell, Fahrenheit 9/11—Bush’s big screen de-but—made far less than M:I:III at the box of-

fice, and that came out during a 46% approval rating (he’s down to 36% now).

The last thing I want to write is an anti-Bush diatribe. We have far too many of those as it is, and I doubt that I could bring anything new to that table. So I won’t. I promise, I won’t. All I want to do is ask you to consider things that you or your friends have done that have resulted in a termination of employment.

Did people die because of this thing? Did you put something on a shelf that fell on someone’s head, effectively killing them? Did 64% of the people you worked with—or for, or under—disapprove of the choices you made in the workplace?

I’m going to assume that no one reading this article faces as much public scrutiny as

Tom Cruise or our president, yet some, if not most of us have been fired from jobs for far less than either of these two…well, at least one of these people have gotten away with. But why? Doesn’t it seem like it should be the other way around? Seriously. Doesn’t it?

So for the first time since getting South Park’s Scientology episode taken off the air, Tom Cruise has my pity. He’s like a dude working at Babies R’ Us who got fired for act-ing too hyper while the manager was in the back room ordering more asbestos insulation for the children’s “deep breathing room.” And that’s not fair.

Impossible Mission: Accomplished?By Miles leMaire

Union Staffer


You’re Stuck HereBy erin Hickey

Opinions Editor

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper 528 August 2006

[Opinions]

After 120 units of hard work, attending school on scholarship, I managed to do the impossible: graduate in four years.

But it almost didn’t happen. Here’s why:For the spring of 2005, I had enrolled in

one of my department’s senior seminars, only to have that class cancelled. Due to my work schedule, I was unable to enroll in one of the other seminars, so I arranged with my depart-ment’s advisor to receive alternate credit by taking two courses that semester, which I com-pleted. This advisor told me that she submit-ted the paperwork to switch the credit during the Spring semester. I also decided that, for the first semester in my time at CSULB, I wanted to take less than 15 units, which meant that I wasn’t going to be able to complete my minor. I talked to a very kind and helpful woman at Academic Advising who informed me, with a confidence that inspired my confidence in her, that a minor was not attached to my degree in any official way, and that no further action was required. “So I don’t need to do any paper-work?” I asked her.

“No,” she said.So I finished the semester, and I walked

at the end of May, in front of my family and friends. And, since I’d completed 120 units, I assumed that I had graduated in fact as well as ceremony. Then I started getting emails from Enrollment Services (a number of them) that scared me.

The first said that I hadn’t completed my senior seminar, and as such, would not be allowed to graduate; it also informed me, for informational purposes I thought, that I hadn’t completed my minor. Then I got the weird email, that informed me that I had not only enrolled in a 1 unit bowling class that I hadn’t seen on my schedule all year, but that I had received a grade of Incomplete in it. The new class was a mystery, but my advi-sor assured me she’d taken care of the credit switch; she said sometimes those requests can get tangled up.

So I went in to Enrollment Services to talk to someone about the Incomplete. While there, I tried to explain to the counselor help-ing me that I hadn’t enrolled in the class, and that I should not have received an Incom-plete since not only did I not enroll in it, but I certainly never attended it. The counselor informed me, several times, that I was wrong. Still, since I’d completed my 120 units and this one unit was a cherry on the top, I politely re-quested that they fail me, which my counselor

told me would absolutely not be a problem. Then the counselor noticed my minor hadn’t been completed, and told me that would also keep me from graduating. I explained to the counselor what Academic Advising had told me, only to be told that I had misunderstood, and that Academic Advising has no affiliation with Enrollment Services and thus their ad-vice is not to be trusted.

Still, she had me sign a piece of paper au-thorizing her to fail me in the one unit class and drop my minor. Trusting that Enroll-ment Services would take care of the problem, I went out of town for a much needed vaca-tion. When I got back, with my August 1st deadline for having all requirements complet-ed one week away (please keep in mind that they were all completed on May 16th), I had a voicemail saying that Enrollment Services could not remove my Incomplete because I didn’t have an Incomplete contract on file (please remember that I never attended the class and thus never met the teacher and thus never signed a contract; please also remember that I informed the counselor of this and she assured me it would be no problem).

I called and spoke to someone in Enroll-ment Services who informed me that it was true, there was nothing she could do for me, even though I begged her to give me an F or a W; she told me she absolutely could not and that I would not be able to graduate. She said that without a contract, I had to wait until 90 days after the end of the semester, when the I would automatically turn into a W; 90 days was two weeks after my deadline to complete all requirements, and she told me again that even with four years of good grades and a completed 120 units, there was no way I could graduate with a one unit Incomplete on my transcript. Then I checked online and saw that my alternate credit paperwork still hadn’t gone through, and my minor hadn’t been dropped. I’d been presented with three problems, none of which I should have had to deal with, and as-sumed that Enrollment Services had taken care of them after some effort on my part. Now, in less than one week, I was to lose my diploma, thus keeping me out of the graduate program I planned to attend in September and forfeiting the grants I’d earned.

I spent the next week like a madman, send-ing email after email to my advisor, the chairs of the Kinesiology department, begging them all to intercede on my behalf. Still, it didn’t look like anything was going to work. Then, two nights before the deadline, I received an email from the undergraduate coordinator for the Kinesiology department; she told me that

she’d simply called Enrollment Services and told them to change my grade to a W. As she pointed out, it was going to do that anyway.

The next day I went and sat on line to talk to a counselor, my spirits bolstered by this tri-umph of common sense. After nearly an hour waiting, the counselor dropped my minor on the spot and showed me the computer screen confirming this was true. Then, after some digging, she discovered the reason my alter-nate credit hadn’t been assigned. The person who entered it into the computer had assigned the replacement credit as the same course it was replacing, thus negating the point of the form. She fixed that too, and so, one day be-fore my deadline, after hours and hours of my time spent emailing, calling, waiting in line, and talking to counselors, my degree posted. If I hadn’t gone in to specifically call some-one’s attention to the typo in assigning alter-nate credit, it wouldn’t have happened.

Still, all’s well that ends well, right? Not so much. Talking to my friends, I’ve realized “Brotman Troubles” are a common problem, one that everyone seems to expect. Unfortu-nately for Enrollment Services, I’m a writer. So, what are the problems here? An academic advising staff that gave blatantly false advice, almost costing me my degree; an uncoop-erative and borderline hostile staff at Brot-man Hall who seemed to have no concern for whether I graduated or not; and, worst of all, an attitude throughout campus that both of these problems are acceptable. If this uni-versity is to reach the potential its excellent students and faculty afford it, it must treat students, especially graduating students, with respect; I deeply resent not only the inability of these paid employees to do their jobs, but in particular their continued assertions that the reasons I was having problems stemmed from the fact that I was lacking in either in-telligence or understanding. Even if it had been a misunderstanding on my part, which it wasn’t, is it not their job to assist me, and all students, in graduating without feeling looked down upon? I urge anyone who has had similar experiences to log on to the Union Weekly website (www.lbunion.com), click on this article, and share your experiences. The staff and I will make sure that the informa-tion is presented to President Alexander in the hopes that action will be taken to ensure that the administrators do their job: working to make your college experience a better one, not a frustrating nightmare of red tape.

Scaling Brotman Wall

By MicHael GuarDaBascio

Managing Editor

Questions? Comments?Mike Guardabascio can be reached at [email protected] comment online at www.lbunion.com

Kingdom of HeavenBy Brian J DunninG

Editor-in-Chief

Somewhere deep in the heavens, a mighty Sausage Kingdom rules over the land. Its beautiful bratwurst spires reach high in the sky, puncturing the kielbasa clouds above, while a menac-ing moat of mustard protects the King-dom from the unwanted advances of their arch-enemies: salad and chicken wrap. But the mighty Kingdom is far too flavorful for its opponents, with the veritable one-two punch of sauerkraut and onions followed by a slathering of mustard and relish. Salad never stood a chance. Chicken wrap never saw it coming.

Yes, the mighty Sausage Kingdom has ruled the landscape of my dreams for many a night. Each morning, I eagerly awake to chronicle the most recent events in my leather-bound dream journal that I keep on a bedside table. But as soon as my feet hit the floor, the mighty Sausage Kingdom fades back into my alcohol-fueled fever dreams, and I begin the day as a lonely pauper in a kingdom of vegetables.

The Sausage Kingdom is only a dream, I tell myself. Nothing more.

That is, until Jodi Maroni came to town.

Yes, that’s right, Cal State Long Beach is the proud home of a brand new Sausage Kingdom for all to sink their teeth into. Knocking perennial favorite Beach Walk Café (formerly Culinary Wraps) out of the coveted corner spot of the University Dining Plaza, Jodi Maroni’s Sausage Kingdom has come to town to give a needed taste explosion to the slightly stale eat-ing options on campus.

With a full line-up of gourmet sausages that includes the delectable Venetian Chicken with sun dried tomatoes, the exotic Yucatan Chicken and Turkey with Serrano chilies and beer, and the ever-spicy Louisiana Boudin Hot Link, there is definitely something available to tickle anyone’s taste buds.

Not only does Jodi Maroni offer up the best damn lunch on campus, it will soon be offering one of the only dinners. As part of the new effort to keep students on campus, the Sausage Kingdom has promised to keep its de-licious doors open until 7pm Monday through Friday.

This is, of course, an experiment that each and every vendor on campus will be watching closely. If we can band together as students and support our new Sausage overlords, we’ll be setting an example that could change the face of dining at The Beach.

Imagine being able to grab a sandwich before your 6 o’clock class at the Quiz or Subway, or a hot, meaty sandwich from Great Steak and Potato.

Imagine the Nugget open as long as a normal bar, with live music, hot co-eds, and a short stumble back to the dorms instead of risking life and limb to drink in the assorted ghettos of Long Beach.

Just imagine Cal State Long Beach as being a better place to grab a bite to eat. I dared to imagine a place where sausages ruled the land, and I was lucky enough to find that dreams can come true.

Questions? Comments?Brian Dunning can be reached at [email protected] comment online at www.lbunion.com


Debt no longer weighing down CSULB graduates

By Ryan KoBane

News Director

Questions? Comments?Ryan Kobane can be reached at [email protected] comment online at www.lbunion.com

There’s not a four year univer-sity in California that offers such a high quality education, at such a low cost. -F. King Alexander CSULB President

NewsNewsNewsNews Heading into his second semester as California State University, Long Beach President, F. King Alexander has big plans. Intent on destroying the common perception that this university is only a commuter school, Presi-dent Alexander will do all in his power to transform our campus into a place where students can feel comfortable any time of day or night.

Library Renovation Project

In a little over a year, expect to see the completion of the Library Renovation Project. The project, started about three months ago, will include 100 new faculty of-fices and classrooms in the east wing.

Coffee and Sausages

President Alexander has made, and will continue to make a large effort towards keeping on-cam-pus businesses open later hours (Jody Maroni being the first to step up to the plate), and is constructing two “Seattle’s Best” coffee houses in the Parkside and Los Alamitos Residence Halls. The coffee shops will feature wireless internet and longer hours than the “Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf ” located in the Student Union.

Classroom Renovations

Classroom and research lab reno-vations are underway throughout the campus, with an HVAC up-grade in the Fine Arts 4 building.

Safety Hazards Repaired

Worn down sidewalks, gas leaks, and other minor safety haz-ards are being addressed by the Psychology and Physical Edu-cation buildings. The Psychol-ogy building renovations are scheduled for completion by the end of this week, while the areas around the Physical Education building will be finished in early November.

Recreational Center

Though plans for construction have not yet been made, Presi-dent Alexander hopes to eventu-ally see the addition of a Recre-ational Center to our campus, giving students a place to work out, play sports, and connect with other students.

-By Erin Hickey

The Future Of CSULB

In the latest US News & World Report magazine, California State University Long Beach is ranked the fifth best Uni-

versity (public or private) in the West, and 17th nationally, for students leaving school with the lowest amount of debt.

Student debt is an inescapable certainty that nearly everyone who attends college will have to deal with. All of us were reminded at an early age by our parents that college wouldn’t be cheap, and certainly not free. Little did we know that we would be wor-rying about college loans even after we had kids, a car, and a home to call our own.

When a student leaves the university set-ting for the unknown, within six months the bills will start to appear. Whether it’s the ideally low APRs that FAFSA promises, or slightly higher priced student loans from private banks and businesses, debt is a reality that cannot be ignored.

The good news is that CSULB students can expect far less debt after leaving college then much of the nation, and almost all the West. “There’s not a four year university in California that offers such a high quality education, at such a low cost,” said President Alexander.

On average, only one in three students graduates with any debt at all from CSULB, and those who do, manage to leave ow-ing around $10,000 after all is said and done. $10,000 in debt may seem like a large amount to some people, but consider this: the national average for undergraduate stu-dent loan debt is now close to $30,000 after leaving college.

“I feel lucky to have graduated only $38,000 in debt,” said Tim Council, a Uni-versity of San Diego graduate. “At nearly $25,000 a year in tuition, I was only pay-ing $4,000 a year in cash, due to all the aid I was receiving. I basically got $40,000 in free money during my time in college.” Council was in a special situation that qualified him for so much aid, due to the fact that he was a student coming from an unemployed, sin-gle-parent household. Without aid, Council wouldn’t have been able to afford the very high prices that come with a private school education.

In a nation where student fees and tuition are rising at three times the rate of inflation, it is becoming a much more pressing issue for the students of today to chose their universi-ties wisely. A wide discrepancy can be found in the fact that CSULB students are only pay-ing somewhere around $2,800 a year, while the average four year university nation-wide is coming in around the $5,500 mark.

If leaving college didn’t have enough prob-lems and obstacles for the recent graduate to deal with already, the impending onslaught of hundreds of dollars a month in student loan debt makes it exponentially worse. In a study conducted by the Campaign for Amer-ica’s Future they reported that debt causes

students to put off major life events. “Student loan debt caused 14 percent of

young graduates to delay marriage; 30 per-cent to hold off on buying a car; 21 percent to postpone having children; and 38 percent to delay buying their first home,” the Campaign for America’s Future reports.

Aaron Autrand, a 2005 CSULB graduate expressed his satisfaction in how little debt he was able to leave campus with.

“I only had to take out $5,000 for my last year, to cover living expenses as well as tu-ition,” said Autrand. “My parents were able to save a little for college, and I worked for the most part to cover everything other than tuition. It was definitely lean from time to time, but I managed.”

There lays the catch-22; is a student sup-posed to work while in school, possibly sac-rificing grades, or are they supposed to focus directly on school all the while taking out large amount of interest-accruing loans? It used to be possible for students to use the phrase, “I’m working my way through col-lege.”

“According to one set of statistics, during the 1960s, a student could work fifteen hours a week at minimum wage during the school term and forty in the summer and pay his or her public university education, and only 20 hours a week during the school year for a private school,” wrote Jeffrey Williams of Dissent Magazine. This is no longer possible, unless the student possesses superhuman powers, that is.

With a president that has set out to make sure the students of CSULB pay as little as possible for their education, it is no wonder that the campus received its largest amount of applications ever, coming in at 61,000 this year.

“We are trying to fight against higher- cost universities getting more student aid than the low income students are receiving here at CSULB,” said President Alexander. “Students and parents should not have to bear the largest burden of the financial as-pect of university costs; it’s just not right.”

Not only does the debt fall on the shoul-ders of the graduate, but it rests heavily on the parents as well. It is not uncommon for fami-lies to subsidize a student’s education by going into debt themselves. By either financing col-lege through home equity loans or refinanc-ing, “Paying for college no doubt forms part of the accelerating indebtedness of average American Families,” writes Williams.

It is exceedingly apparent that even state university educations are no longer as openly accessible as they once were. Debt in any form is a huge issue for anyone that has gotten in over his or her head, something that can be-come very overwhelming to deal with. CSULB students should be thankful that in a day and age that emphasizes the importance of higher education like never before, that with any luck, once they receive a diploma they will hopefully be receiving phone calls from eager employers, and not debt collectors.

as Told By eRin HicKey

Opinions Editor

I feel lucky to have graduated only $38,000 in debt.

-Tim CouncilUniversity of San Diego Graduate

35%

25%12%

18%

8%2%

Granted, debt sucks, but is it all because of student loans, rent, and gas? In a recent study conducted on the campus of CSULB, we asked students where their hard-earned cash actually goes. What we found was not surprising.

35% of students’ credit is spent on Booze, not a shocker here. Six dollar pints and seven dollar Jack and Coke’s really hit the pocket book hard.

For every first date that ends with a hug and a “call me,” there is some poor sap that just dropped a hundred bucks, now wishing that he hadn’t. Significant others took a 25% portion of the pie.

Late night stops at the drive-thru, morning visits to Denny’s, and generally eating out ate up 18% of student debt.

Twenty dollar DVD’s and 60 dollar Xbox games seem to be the entertainment option of choice for the majority of students, taking 12% of their cash.

8% of student debt is going towards new clothing, meaning that either Bufaflo Ex-change and the Salvation Army have seen profits rise, or students have opted to go nude.

And somehow there was 2% left over that we will say goes toward miscellaneous goods and services instead of admitting that we don’t actually know how to add.

The truth about student debt

Add Military Science 101 (3883) to your schedule. For more information contact CPT Tom Mitchell at 562-985-5766 or visit www.trojanrotc.org


[News]

If you’re interested in playing with balls, designing dresses, going to church, doing community service, and/or sailing; then

look no farther then your own campus, and join a club.

California State University, Long Beach is known for being a commuter school, one whose campus welcomes students from across the country, all over the state, and around LA and Orange Counties.

In many ways, this is a point in the school’s favor, as it brings a diverse range of students to our campus from far and wide. It is often the case, however, that as a result of its status as a commuter school, some students simply come to school in the morning and go home in the afternoon. Many students don’t realize or take advantage of the many ways to get in-volved in the many extracurricular activities that our campus has to offer. CSULB has an almost infinite number of cultural and special interest clubs, service organizations, fraterni-ties, sororities, and sports club.

Any student wishing to participate more at CSULB will have no trouble finding a club that suits his or her personal needs. There are plenty of religious clubs, catering to all sorts of beliefs and followings. Christian students on campus can get involved through a number of clubs, including the Asian American Christian Fellowship, the Catholic Newman Club, the Chinese Christian Fellowship, and the all-en-compassing Christians on Campus club.

For example, the Beach Catholic Newman Club “[provides] a place for spiritual growth, community, fellowship, and service.” These aspects of the Catholic faith are achieved through a series of activities that students can participate in, including getting involved in the community through soup kitchens, beach cleanup, and other such philanthropic activities.

There are also several cultural clubs, such as the Arab Cultural Society, the Japan Club, the Korea Club, and the Africana Studies Stu-dent Association. Like many of the cultural clubs here on campus, the Africana Studies Student Association (or ASSA, for short) of-fers meetings, newsletters, and educational papers.

“[We] provide a path of development for those African students who are seeking an understanding of their truth and identity” says the official ASSA website.

Any student wishing to get in touch with or gain a better understanding of his or her heritage can certainly do so through any one of the cultural clubs here on campus.

Students wishing to explore their spe-cific interests and talents on campus can also participate in any one of the special-interest groups available, such as the Beach Balls jug-gling club, the CSULB Sailing Club, or the Students in Fashion Club.

“[The Students in Fashion Club promotes] fashion-related programs that encourage net-working among students, faculty and the fash-ion industry,” says President Trichette Roy. “We offer our members opportunities to par-ticipate in organized student/faculty mixers, field trips, guest speakers, fundraising events, and casual/social events.” The Students in Fashion Club also holds the Annual Campus Couture Fashion show every spring, which is the biggest student-run event on campus.

And of course, CSULB offers a wide va-riety of sororities and fraternities, where stu-dents can socialize, while giving back to the community through charities and various philanthropic ventures.

Though its students hail from far and wide, CSULB is a school at which any stu-dent can be as involved as he or she desires. There are clubs, groups, sororities, and fra-ternities that students can join in order to participate at their school and give back to their community.

Getting involved at The BeachBy Sean Boulger

Union StafferCaught Red Handed

Photo By Ryan Kobane

It’s Saturday morning, and while most of us were still in bed recovering from the night before, our President F. King Alexander was up early, steal-ing bicycles. No, not really, but he was out in the warm sun helping incom-ing freshmen moving into their 10X14 brick cells in Los Cerritos Hall. Many other organizations were on hand to welcome new students by making the hectic and often emotional situation of move-in day a little easier on both the parents and students.


Questions? Comments?Conor Izzett can be reached at [email protected] comment online at www.lbunion.com

Not your father’s Greek systemWell I’ll get the Greek thing out of the way first,

and I am honored to be the first one to throw down the gauntlet for the year. There are good things about fraternities and sororities, but since I’m a man, I’ll speak from my own perspective. At many colleges, fraternities boast large, upscale houses on frat row. They offer a community, a veritable party neighbor-hood. Pledges are instantly surrounded by beauti-ful Greek women, and plunged head first into their college experience, and almost anyone can take part in the epic Frat Row. For better or for worse, it’s an age-old, if not for everyone, collegiate tradition; one that Long Beach Greeks are denied. Straight up, the houses are in the ghetto. 7th and Redondo people, 7th and Redondo. And the next-closest house is a bullet-ridden, miles-long walk away. Our Greek brethren have been swept to the dusty corners of East Long Beach because this school has historically avoided providing its students with the most basic of college traditions. Traditions like dorms.

Puvunga Residence CommonsYou’ll notice a very, very small number of dorms

on this campus. The Beach offers living space to far less than 10 percent of its students, in large part because of a lack of building space. What’s that you ask? “What about the 22 open acres adjacent to Bellflower?” Well, that’s Puvunga. It’s an Indian burial ground. Or the birthplace of an Indian spirit named Chingishnish. Or the exact location where the world was created, depends on who you ask. Anyway, it’s fervently protected by some very well meaning, very misinformed people. The 22 acres is not so much a burial ground, as much as it’s a place where someone found a single dead body, called it a Tongva Indian, and then refused to allow any more digging to determine whether or not it’s actually a burial ground – so you can see why we can’t build dorms there. Makes sense right?

Earl Warren Deserves a Garden?There are a lot of things that happen on this cam-

pus that just don’t make sense, and if thought about, will most certainly cause your brain to heat to a slow rolling boil, oozing out your eyeballs, and all down the front of your Express For Men distressed tee. A small example for your consideration: our campus is home to a lovely Japanese garden. It is peaceful, serene, and beautifully designed, complete with a well-stocked koi pond, and a Zen garden. It is truly a testament to the beauty and grace of the Japanese culture, and it’s an honor to be a student at a school that would host a gem so unique to a college campus. By the way, the garden is on a street named after Earl Warren, a man who was outspo-kenly supportive of sending Japanese-Americans to internment camps during World War II; other than that, the garden is devoid of offensive irony.

Tackling the Real IssuesYou’ve come to get involved. You’re a politi-

cally-minded young go-getting activist who is out to change the world, and with the help of the other politically minded young go-getting activists on campus, there’s no way you can fail. Well you’re half right. There are plenty of young go-getters around here, but they’re mostly after things like installing gender-neutral bathrooms for people who aren’t sure whether the sack of flesh is on the inside, or the outside of their crotch.

Okay seriously, I’ve said some pretty outrageous things so far here, but there are actually people in

positions of power who are making it a point to lob-by for gender-neutral bathrooms.

This is the political landscape you’ve landed on. Yes we have a budget problem, yes we have impacted majors and classes, yes there is a stark shortage of dorms, yes there are many important problems that need to be addressed, and yes, there are people try-ing to build a room where anybody can just walk in and crap in a watery chair. The thing is, I don’t have anything in particular against gender-neutral bathrooms. In fact, a woman who could sit in the stall and crap out a load right next to mine is just the kind of girl that I’m looking for, but GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! This sort of issue is a pretty solid barometer for the political mindset around these parts.

Amendement, SchmendmentSomething that probably won’t surprise you is

the width and breadth, the sheer size of my affec-tion for the first amendment. The little document that enables us to express thoughts, feelings, politi-cal dissent, and most importantly, gives us the right to print the Union’s flagship dirty word, “cunt.” Well there are plenty of people around here who do not share this sentiment with me, but I’ll skip to the worst of them.

Preparing for the Real WorldThey are the chosen body of classic democracy,

the voice of the people. Well, a small percentage of them anyway. Just a hair over 3,000 out of 40,000 people voted in last year’s elections. They are of course, the ASI Senate. They are, with a few notable exceptions, largely confused about life, and don’t seem to have much of a concept of reality. It’s no wonder that they’ve drifted toward politics, right? Some of them are well-informed, some just plain evil, some are power-hungry blackmailing paper stealing liars, some are out to support the Greeks, and the rest are for gender–neutral bathrooms. They’re not all bad I suppose, but a handful of members have a nasty habit for trying to destroy this paper once ev-ery couple of years or so. At the end of last semester,

Conor Izzett Gives a State of the Campus Update from the Perspective of an Average Student

No you didn’t misread the headline. As it stands now, by coming to this school you have essentially thrown away the four best years of your life. Seriously. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you’ve made a terrible mistake.

Please keep reading. Just hear me out.By now you’ve probably got a vision cooked up in your head of

droves of young co-eds, guffawing and throwing Frisbees. Yes, the air is

thick with Frisbees, gliding through the air like friendly alien spacecraft. The participants in this Frisbee-laden extravaganza are running gleeful-ly and barefoot across the lush grass that carpets the main quad. You can picture yourself growing intellectually, being exposed to classical as well as radical thought, new points of view, being challenged, and working hard. Fraternities, endless parties, orgies, keggers, streaking, football, hot guys, and of course girls – girls gone wild, dorm room fantasies.

There are plenty of young go-getters around here, but they’re mostly after things like installing gender-neutral bathrooms for people who aren’t sure whether the sack of flesh is on the in-side, or the outside of their crotch.


a group of senators didn’t really try to shut us down, they were just trying to cut the entirety of our budget. The Senate is fond of decrying any tuition increases, especially for frivolous things like new dorms, or a recreation center that a huge percentage of the student body demands. If you ever get a chance to check out the Senate-approved budget, however, you’ll find tens of thousands of dollars allocated to really important stuff like end of the year parties. Parties for groups that they belong to, ahem.

When You’re DesperateLong Beach State is the winner of a very dubious honor, one that student

politicians and even some professors are fond of bringing up. According to The Princeton Review, our school is the third best budget college in the nation. Third best budget college. That’s not really a good thing. What if someone of-fered you his third best budget used mattress, or promised you a night with the third best budget whore? “Well she’s toothless and horrifically ugly, but she’s really cheap, and dammit if she doesn’t give the best blow job!” Third best, actually.

It’s Not a University, It’s a SchoolThere is something distinctly lacking at this school, and that’s commu-

nity. Despite the oft-mentioned Beach Pride, you’ll find that such a thing is simply missing. No one cares that they go to Long Beach State. There is no central core, no common identity. Walk around campus for a couple of days and you’ll find that the one thing that most people have in common with each other is that they all seem to try and avoid making eye contact. The common uniform consists of headphones, sunglasses, a bowed head and a quick walk. And why shouldn’t it be that way? Come five or six o’clock, the campus is closed for business. It turns into a ghost town. Being a 49er can be awfully lonely. We have very little on-campus housing, and nothing open late. The Nugget thrives during the day but clears out at night. By the time classes are over people are more concerned with their drive home. Before I moved to Long Beach I suffered an hour-long drive four days a week so I definitely can’t say that I don’t understand. People want to go home, and for most students, home isn’t Long Beach State. It’s just where they go to school.

Well, since I’ve spent the last thousand words dashing your dreams of college, allow me to bring it all around for you. All of these things are my fault. Mine, and all of the people in my class, and all of my predecessors. We have let you down by allowing things to become this way. This is the beginning of my final semester of school here at The Beach, and if you’re a freshman, I must admit that I am jealous of you. See, by this time next year, if I’m still drinking Pabst out of a red plastic cup, it’s no longer youthful and energetic; it’s sad and pathetic.

You are fortunate enough to be at the beginning of what are truly the best years of your lives, while I am quite literally at the end of them. I must say that you are very lucky to be at the beginning of what I believe will be a renaissance here at the Beach, and you must be the vanguards of this institution. Fortunately, you’ve got some help. You’ve got a new president running things around here, and if he has his way, Long Beach State will be a very cool place to have gone to

school by the time you’re in my position. F. King is having dorms built, construct-ing late-night coffee houses, keeping the dining hall open later, and opening up this campus in general; for you. Although Long Beach State is missing so many of the things that are unique to the college experience, all that really means is that this place is a blank slate.

You get to create the traditions. You can demand the things that your pre-decessors have simply done without. You get to make this place yours. You get to make this place more than just where you go to school. You get to make this place your home. Demand more. Demand dorms. Demand a recreation center. Demand that the community of Long Beach embrace one of the largest universi-ties in the country. Demand more and start now.

Look around you. You’re on one of the most beautiful campuses in the nation. You’ve got a great basketball team, a world-class baseball team, and one of the finest college publications in the country. You’re a stone’s throw from L.A. and the beach is right outside your door. You’re surrounded by beautiful women and gorgeous guys, and you don’t have a care in the world. These days are rare, friends, and they don’t come again. So snuggle up in your dorm room bed (if you’re lucky enough to have one) and dream of a sky thick with Frisbees. This place has so much potential, and as a soon to be alumnus, I wish with all my heart that in four years, you will sit down and write an article titled, “Why You Made the Right Choice.”

All of these things are my fault. Mine, and all of the people in my class, and all of my predecessors. We have let you down by allowing things to become this way. This is the beginning of my final semester of school here at The Beach, and if you’re a freshman, I must admit that I am jealous of you. See, by this time next year, if I’m still drinking Pabst out of a red plastic cup, it’s no longer youthful and energetic; it’s sad and pathetic. You are fortunate enough to be at the beginning of what are truly the best years of your lives, while I am quite literally at the end of them.


[Campus Map]


Jurassic 5 InterviewRadiohead ReturnsWilliam Elliot Whitmore

Zach Braff’s Last KissLittle Miss SunshineDeep Blue Sea vs Snakes

McSweeney’s ListsillLiterature ReturnsMagazine Spotlight

-Interview on page 14


3—Deity: an exploration of the concept of deity by local art-ists.

Koo’s Art Center, now through September 9

Dave Matthews Band: Hollywood Bowl $45-65, 7pmUnite and Conquer: Chain Reaction $10, 730pmThe Turtlenecks, Jeffrey Scott: DiPiazza’sThe Trevor Project’s Comedy Night: The Comedy Store 730pmPete Yorn: Whisky $20, 8pm Jeremy Enigk: Troubadour $15, 8pm

Foo Fighters: Pantages Theatre $42.50-50, 8pmThe Format, Ranier Maria: HOB Anaheim $15, 730pmThe Switchups, The Framed: DiPiazza’sPete Yorn: Roxy $20, 9pmCan I Kick It???: Plush $5, 10pm

Talib Kweli, DJ Chaps: Glass House $15, 7pmRadio Birdman, The BellRays: Wiltern $25, 730pmJeff Garcia: Brea Improv $20, five nights, times varyBlaze Ya Dead Homie: Galaxy Theatre $15, 730pmThe Writer’s Garage: DiPiazza’sTyranny, To The Kill: Chain Reaction $10, 730pmGrove Box, UNA: Hogue BarmichaelsMike Vitale: Plush $5, 8pm

Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Mars Volta: Forum $63.50, 730pm, two nights

Melissa Etheridge: Greek Theatre $39.50-104.50, 8pmDeath By Stereo: Galaxy Theatre $13, 8pmSean Healy Presents...: HOB Anaheim $12, 8pmGlass Heart Social, Eavesdrop: Plush $5, 815pmJohn Pinette: Irvine Improv $22, four nights, times varyUpground, La Banda Skalavera: Knitting Factory $8, 730pmTalib Kweli, DJ Chaps:: Roxy $18.50 9pm

Frankie J: Gibson Amphitheatre $36.25-56.25, 815pmWild Child (Doors tribute), Cash’d Out (Johnny Cash tribute):

Galaxy Theatre $20, 8pmHepcat, The Debonaires: Glass House $20, 7pmThe New Age Chant, Hope Field: Plush $8, 815pm

Long Beach Blues Festival: CSULB $40, 9amJohn Fogerty, Lucinda Williams: Greek Theatre $32-72, 730pmRollins Band: Key Club $20, 9pmBerlin: HOB Anaheim $22.50-25, 9pmAndrew Dice Clay: Irvine Improv $35, 11pmAudio Therapy Drum and Bass: Plush $8, 930pmDown Home Blues Festival: Gibson Amphitheatre $35-75, 615pmFoo Fighters: Santa Barbara Bowl $24.50-44.50, 7pm

Bill Maher: Grove of Anaheim $63, 8pmMary J. Blige: Gibson Amphitheatre $59.50-95.50, 815pmRoyden, Stiletto Formal: Chain Reaction $10, 730pmParamore, Hit The Lights: HOB Anaheim $12-13.50, 730pmOdelia: Plush 9pm

Monday28

Tuesday29

Wednesday30

Thursday31

Friday1

Saturday2

Sunday3

Radiohead readies their new album, re-minding us why we listen to music in the first place.

For about an entire year now, Ra-diohead fans the world over have been salivating in anticipation of the next release from the near-leg-endary band from Oxford. As the rumor mill turns furiously, spilling forth all sorts of stories, guesses, and estimates, one thing remains certain: as far as popular music is concerned, Radiohead still rules the world from their underground throne. As the expected summer 2006 release date of Radiohead’s as-yet-untitled next full-length album—which has come to be known simply as LP7—came and went, many enthusiasts realized that it would be a long while before their hunger for studio goodness could be satiated. A torturously vague press conference from the band declared that no album would be re-leased in 2006 (fans have their fingers crossed for 2007), but everything wasn’t all bad in Radiohead-land: a summer world tour was announced, and Radiohead fans across the universe simultaneously messed in their trousers.

But the goodies weren’t over yet, as our boys from England were not quite finished bestowing glorious surprises upon their loyal fans: a Thom Yorke solo album was revealed to be in the works. An Internet leak on May 30th led to listeners enjoying the album plenty before its official July release. Thom’s The Eras-er is decidedly more electronic and beat-based than anything Radiohead has done, but still manages to retain a very focused, and song-based theme…my worst fear was of Yorke giving us a Squarepusher knockoff, his album spinning off into inaccessible obscurity. The album, produced by longtime col-laborator Nigel Godrich, is a beautiful cornucopia of blips and bleeps, glitches and gurgles.

And so it was when Radio-head embarked on their first proper

world tour in about three years. This time around, the band chose to eschew

their usual large venues (i.e. the Hollywood Bowl), instead opting to play smaller ballroom-type joints. In Southern California, the band hit San Diego’s Em-barcadero Marine Park, and the Greek Theatre of Los Angeles. Although both shows sold out within minutes, I managed to get tickets to both nights of the San Diego shows. The Greek, however, proved to be impossible. Not to worry, though. I had my tickets for San Diego, and I was prepared for an evening of mind-blowing awesomeness.

In no way was I disappointed. I’ve seen a lot of shows in my time, and I can easily say that Radio-head put on one of the very best shows I have ever seen in my entire life. Beautiful visuals shown on rhomboid screens hanging over the stage, and one of the best light shows I’ve ever witnessed contributed to an overall amazing experience. The setlists were expertly paced; though Pablo Honey was markedly absent, the mix of old and new was awe-inspiring. I never imagined I would get to see songs like “Just,” “My Iron Lung,” “Idioteque,” and “There There” in the same evening. Highlights included the elusive “Kid A,” the aforementioned “Just,” and the new-comer “Videotape.”

Also joining the ranks of the many fan favorites were several new songs, which caused saliva glands to kick into overdrive. The new album will be a great one, indeed; the new songs are an eclectic mix of en-ergy and emotion. Funky grooves like “15 Step” and “Down is the New Up” are coupled with the emo-tional “All I Need” and “Videotape.” Hopefully it is but a matter of months before Radiohead releases their newest opus; fans everywhere will be waiting with bated breath.

Down is the New UpEasily my favorite of the new lot, “Down is the New

Up” is a funktastic festival of groove sauce. Brought in by Thom’s beatboxing and a guitar part soaked in slap-back delay courtesy of Jonny Greenwood, if you’re not dancing by the time the drums kick in, you’ve got to be a paraplegic. Who ever imagined that “won’t you be my girl” would be a lyric in a Radiohead song?

VideotapeThis is the song that reminds me why I listen to Ra-

diohead. For me, Kid A changed the way I listen to music. It was filled with songs that could simply wash over me as I closed my eyes, causing my entire body to break out in goosebumps. Hail to the Thief was a great album, but was decidedly lacking any songs that coupled Radiohead’s ability to rock with Thom’s abil-ity to make a grown man cry. “Videotape” shows that our boys have not lost it. A mournful piano chord progression, Phillip Selway’s awesome rim shots, and lyrics like “you are my centre when I spin away” show that this song is best listened to with eyes closed and head tilted back.

Bangers and MashDefinitely the most raw of the new songs, “Bangers

and Mash” has some serious potential if given the proper studio treatment. Perhaps a little more refine-ment could turn this into a hell of a live piece, but as of now, it’s my least favorite of the new tunes. Thom furi-ously beats the lyrics into the microphone, eventually sitting down at a miniature drum kit to pound along

with Phil Selway. Without a doubt, it’s an entertaining song, but a little more polishing is in order.

15 StepThis song is a real groover. It’s in 5/4 time, and starts

out with handclaps and Thom singing unaccompa-nied by any instrument. It’s a song that simply begs for audience participation. Like the other new songs, it’s one that can easily be danced to, and most likely one that will become a centerpiece of future perfor-mances.

House of CardsA warm, mellow guitar cord brings this song in, and

before you know it, Thom’s signature falsetto moan is filling your ears. An older song that has finally been brought out from the closet, “House of Cards” is an excellently laid-back showcasing of Thom’s fantastic songwriting abilities. “I don’t want to be your friend/I just want to be your lover.” We feel the same way, Thom.

SpooksRadiohead doing surf music? A short, instrumen-

tal, Dick Dale-inspired romp that has caught every-one off guard.

ArpeggiDebuted last year at the Ether Festival, “Arpeggi”

has since gone over a complete reworking. The full band treatment gives the tune new radiance—as does guitarist Ed O’Brien’s impeccable backup vocals.

-By Sean Boulger

Wolves at the DoorA play-by-play of Radiohead’s newest tracks


If you could get into a time machine and go back to before Radiohead’s return to rock and prevent it from happening, a-la Termi-nator, you would have sped up the release of this album by about 3 years. Everything you knew and loved about the Kid A and Amnesiac recording session is back in all of its paranoid glory. It does, however, depart in its increased focus on the vocals and de-creased instrumental brain liquefaction. The

rhythms are heavy and engaging, a pleasant mystery, drawing toe taps and head nods with singular ease. Thom explores new vocal territory with his melodies, but retains his tried-and-true sultry babbling. The lyrics are a poetic floe of emotional exploration into the previously-covered realms of

fatigued life and stoic unhappiness. At least that’s what I could understand. I’m fairly cer-tain the rest had to do with robots learning to feel. While listening to it the second time, I fell asleep and dreamt I was chasing a beauti-ful alien across a beautiful grassy field under a full moon in early summer and I couldn’t stop smiling. I’m fairly sure that’s a good sign. Listen to “And It Rained All Night” and I’m sure you’ll understand.

In a radio landscape dotted with slick pac-kaging and widespread artistic impotence, Muse is a nuclear bomb. This album has brou-ght widespread amazement and sheer jaw-dropping force to many who had never before experienced such aural intensity. For those who have heard Muse’s music before, fear not: the band remains as it always has, soaring vocals over a Technicolor backdrop of lush orchestra-tion. But this time around, it seems like the UK Trio is playing with fire. The delicate tracks, like

“Soldier’s Poem” and “Hoodoo,” are tear-jerkingly enchanting, the sort of romantic beguile that makes you completely forget that those sweet coos are saying “There’s no jus-tice in the world… and there never was.” And on the other end are the mind-blowingly rock tracks. The radio stations have been playing

“Knights Of Cydonia,” with it’s beautifully Pink-Floydian opening and crazed pace, but there’s plenty more plutonium to be had with tracks like “City Of Delusion,” “Exo-Politics,” and “Map Of The Problematique.” The latter-most doing the best of combining Muse’s de-licate Yin and vicious Yang with thundercloud rhythms fueling an angelic serenade of “When will his loneliness be over?” My loneliness is over, as I will soon travel to Massachusetts and marry this album.

Trying To Never Catch Up is a stylistic catch-all that begins something like a Radio-head or Killers album might, later sounding like it’s been washed though a Strokes filter before coming out the other end, a few tracks later, sounding soggy and ever-more poppy. Lengthy and confusing explanations aside, What Made Milwaukee Famous manage to overlay each track with something uniquely their own, likely attributed to the vocals. In-

terestingly enough, the vocal du-ties are passed around the band, with Farmer and Kingcaid sharing the microphone on several tracks. Lyrically the album is unremark-able, though there is an occasional gem that shines with a catchy, fun-to-sing-along chorus. The lyrical delivery is nearly always interesting

and refreshing in its unanticipated pitch and pace changes. On the whole, Trying To Catch Up is a decent album, despite sounding overly familiar amidst today’s musical landscape. Certainly worth a listen, although I must state the obvious and say that I firmly doubt that these people have anything even remotely to do with making Milwaukee famous; if that was the audacious claim they were making, I’m not sure.

Ever sat on the banks of the Mississippi sip-ping a mint julep during a summer sunset? Neither have I, but William Elliot Whitmore will make you feel like you have, every time you sit down and listen to his beautifully raspy cries. Somewhere between Joe Cocker, Tom Waits, and Otis Redding is where his whiskey-drenched vocals reside. Songs Of a Blackbird, his third effort on Southern Records, conjures up such vivid imagery with Whitmore’s story

telling, its becomes impossible not to drift off, instantly imagining how it must feel to live in a tin roofed shed somewhere along the Bible belt. At the age of 26, Whitmore is young, but has more passion in his voice than vocalist twice his age. With nothing but a banjo and his poetry, Whitmore allows his strongest assets to shine at

all times—breezing through contemporary folk with an optimism not seen in some time and breathing life in to a sometimes drab and dreary genre, not normally accessible to the masses. Song of a Blackbird tells tales of loneli-ness and agony which quickly transform into stories of redemption. In his own way, Whit-more stamps his name directly on your soul; just try listening to this album without getting goose bumps at least once.

Thom YorkeThe EraserXL Records

Reviewed By Matt Dupree

MuseBlack Holes and RevelationsWarner Brothers

Reviewed By Matt Dupree

William Elliot WhitmoreSong of a BlackbirdSouthern Records

Reviewed By Ryan Kobane

What Made Milwaukee FamousTrying to Never Catch Up Barsuk Records

Reviewed By Patrick Dooley

140 Main Street • Seal Beach • (562) 430-0631BREAKFAST LUNCH DINNER

Daily SpecialsMonday: Monday Night Football $2.00 fish tacos, $2.00 Bratwurst, $9.95 Chicken & Rib DinnerTuesday: $5.95 Half Chicken with 2 SidesWednesday: $7.95 Meatloaf with Vegetables & PotatoesThursday: $10.95 BBQ Rib Dinner with Baked Beans & Cole SlawThursday and Fridays are College Nights!Weekends: Football! Football! Football!Saturdays: Your Home for Irish Football!Sundays: NFL action all day long.

Happy Hour!Monday-Friday

3pm-7pm

We’ve got every football game from College to NFL!


Union Weekly: So you guys are keeping a journal on your website right now, are you writing about you secret crushes in there or what?

Jurassic 5: I don’t think you’ll hear about to many hidden desires. Why, would you be interested in that? I don’t know about crushes, I catch a crush with somebody about every two months so, I mean. I’m gonna be a crush whore. But we just keep a journal and talk about stuff as it goes.

UW: How did the Dave Matthews collaboration come about for ‘Work it Out’, and what was it like working with him?

J5: Well it came about because we went on tour with him, and he made us feel really comfortable. He introduced us every night to the crowd so they wouldn’t be so shocked that they had a hip-hop group coming out. He stayed and

he checked out every show we did, every night he stayed to watch the show over and over again. And then we did this Vote to Change show and he was there for that too, so we seen him again and we was talking again, then when it was time for us to do our record, the music that Nu Mark used, Mark 7 said like ‘Yo, maybe we should see if Dave wanna get on this, because it kind of sounds like a Dave Mat-thews type of song.’ So, we reach out to him and he was like, ‘hell yeah!’ Working with him was just so easy. No egos, people were just there to do what they need to do. We had a good time, laughed, joked, all that stuff and it was like all good.

UW:Are there any artists that you haven’t worked with yet, but would like to?

J5: Ah, there’s a slew of artists that I would love to work with. The list could go on and on. Anyone from

Nas to The Dead Presidents to LL Cool J. There’s a lot of people.

UW: You guys have performed in all types of settings from a small stage in a record store to huge concerts, is there a particular kind of venue that you prefer?

J5: I think it would be more of an intimate setting you know be-cause you can be closer to people and you guys can just interact a lot better. But at the same time, you know, you gotta be able to adapt to whatever situation you’re put into. I like when it’s a thousand, ten thousand, like twenty thou-sand people somewhere and they see us; I dig that! I also dig a spot where people are sitting in a line for like two or three hours because

they just love to see you. Anytime people are coming to see you it’s a blessing. I just like when people come to see you, if it’s a small ven-ue great, if it’s a larger venue great. I’m gonna take both and just make sure that I give you 100% because you paid your money for it. When you leave and you paid your mon-ey you need to say, ‘Man I had a great time.’ I’d rather hear that no matter what venue I’m in.

UW: It doesn’t sound like you’ve been jaded by your success. I think some artists today appear to be too affected by theirs.

J5: Yeah, yeah some of them are, but at the same time you got peo-ple who can vouch for them and say that they are good people. I’ve

By Katie Wynne

Jurassic 5 is back with a new album, Feedback, that slams down your front door, boom box in hand, ready to get the party started. From the first track you get the feeling that you’re standing front row at one of their shows and you can’t help but to groove to the beat.

The entire album is amazing from the first sound of the pia-no keys to the last guitar string, but the most notable tracks have to be “Gotta Understand,” “Work It Out” (which features a collaboration with Dave Matthews sans Band), “Future Sound,” and “Red Hot.”

Everyone needs to go out and get this CD, not for the sheer fact that it’s the best hip hop in the past couple years, but for the purpose of having something to keep everyone up off their asses at your next get together. The guys from Jurassic 5 are not rich yet, so make sure to actually pay for the album.

Jurassic 5FeedbackInterscope

In 1993 five men sat rhythmically tapping their feet on the sticky floor, waiting for their turn to perform at the Good Life in Los Angeles. The members of their own groups, Rebels of Rhythm and Unity Committee, they were no strang-ers to the stage or to one another. It was on this particular night that they decided they would join forces and form a hip-hop group with one goal in mind: making music. Jurassic 5 consists of Chali 2na, Akil, Zaakir (Soup), Mark 7even and DJ Nu-Mark, all West Coast natives who

grew up listening to Ice-T and Eazy-E. With diverse and personal musical backgrounds each member was able to add his own touch of hip-hop to the mixture, and in 1995 the lyrical goulash came in the form of their first single “Unified Rebelution.”

Once it was clear that this collaboration was something special, the group got to work on their self-titled EP, whose success landed them the record deal with Interscope Records in 2000. It has been thirteen years and Jurassic 5 has per-formed with all types of musicians from Green Day and Bruce Springstein to Outkast and Fiona Apple.

This month marks the release of their newest release Feedback, featuring the single ‘Work Out’ with Dave Matthews, and Soup took a break from getting ready for the first show of their U.S. tour to talk with the Union Weekly.

“I don’t wanna be known as the positive rapper, and I don’t wanna be know as the ignorant rapper. I’m just MC-ing.”


seen some people that are hella rude though, don’t get me wrong. I heard a really popu-lar artist really talk bad to some people, and those were the people who actually brought him to the college so he could perform. He talked really bad to one of the guys who was on the committee, and I was just sitting there like, ‘Man, how are you successful talking to people like that?’ For me it’s music. I don’t wanna seem like I’m over and above nobody. Shit still happens to me, and I still get up and not feel like working, and still don’t wanna fly sometimes cause I’m scared. You know, just regular shit.

UW: There are a lot of references to cartoon characters in your lyrics, so you must have grown up watching them a lot.

J5: I did. My favorite is Mighty Mouse, Popeye, and Underdog. I was really big on Speed Racer when I was young. I still do watch cartoons, but I like the older ones. These new cartoons are terrible. The older ones are dope, I buy Looney Tunes on DVD, watch Bugs Bunny. I love that shit.

UW: When you’re in the studio do you have a set process, like beats then lyrics? Or does ev-eryone just show up and you go from there?

J5: Well, we all bring something to the table. A lot of people ask who does the writing and we all do the writing. Everybody’s grown, you know? I don’t wanna be the person writing because you might not feel the way I feel, so everyone brings their own something to the table. But, there’s not really a set formula it just all depends. You might just hear the mu-sic playing and then you’re like, ‘ok, let’s do this.’ So somebody might just already have something. It is a point of finding the beat and mesh with it well. It could be a conversa-tion we had and it’s like let’s make that a song. It’s not really a set formula; you just throw caution to the wind. I mean, you can’t really be like that when you’ve got five people with you. You have to keep it in open form so you can be able to adapt to whatever direction it goes into.

UW: I have heard some people refer to you guys as a positive message hip-hop group. Is that something you strive for, and how do you determine the content of your lyrics as far as pop culture and social conflicts go?

J5: It just kinda comes up. We don’t try to make any conscious effort to say, ‘You know, the world is in shambles, We need to make an eff…’ naaaahhh. That’s contrived. But, I don’t think you can walk through the world and not be able to either relate or have an opinion on whats going on, so it just kinda falls into that realm. I don’t know if we say a lot of posi-

tive stuff I just think it is an abundance of a lot of crazy shit going on. So, when people see you’re not really doing that they kind of auto-matically put you in a positive realm. We not talking about shooting nobody. We not talk-ing about whatever whatever. People see that and they like, ‘They don’t talk about that shit, they some really positive cats.’ It’s not like we sat over there saying ‘WE NEED MORE GUN CONTROL!’ We never said that. We just haven’t talked about shootin’ nobody. So people just look at that like you guys are automatically positive. I don’t like that label. I don’t wanna be known as the positive cat. A lot of times you catch a lot of flack for it. Plus, I like some ignorant shit. I mean if we talk long enough I might say some stupid shit. So I don’t wanna be known as the posi-tive rapper, and I don’t wanna be know as the ignorant rapper. I’m just MC-ing. Some of the shit I’m gonna say you going be like, ‘Man, that makes a lot of sense,’ and then we talk long enough and some of the shit I’m gonna say you won’t be able to get with. It’s just some human shit, you know? I don’t think we’re super positive, I just think we’re human like anybody else.

UW: What was it like going from being an underground group to having your videos on MTV?

J5: I don’t know. I don’t know how it feels cause it hasn’t really translated into record sales and I’m not actually seeing it. I just got a call yesterday from my niece and she was like, ‘I just seen y’all video on MTV!’ But I didn’t see it! So, I’m glad they’re playing it but I don’t know. I guess if we were all over the magazines and tabloids then maybe I’d feel different, but for now we’re still on the grind. I don’t sit back with the television all day and say, ‘I’m gonna see how long it’ll take for VH1 to play my video.’ I don’t do that. We always in the street trying to do what we do. But I don’t know, a lot of people think we sold out.

UW: Really?

J5: Yeah, on this album really. I heard a lot of like, ‘You guys sold out. Yall did a song with Dave Mat-thews.’ It’s funny because it’ll be a lot of people who supposedly like us, and then you hear them say they’ll never buy another J5 record again. It’s like, you’ve known us for ten years, and you supported us. And we do one thing that you don’t like and so all that shit that we did previously is just out the window.

UW: That seems really fickle.

J5: Seriously. And I don’t want people to be down

with us if that’s the way you gonna do it. It’s like as much as you may love your mother or your father and all the good shit they do, they took care of you and made sure you’re eating, and made sure you had clothes and did fun shit, and then your parents always say or do something that you don’t feel. So do you hate them for the rest of they life, because they do that one thing? It’s like, I can’t feel my mom because she told me I couldn’t go to the so-and-so concert, even though she’s feeding me I don’t wanna hear that shit. It’s just like, wow. So, I’ve been hearing a lot about how we sold out. This guy went on a whole tirade about, ‘Regis Feldman, and NBC, and you guys did this for Master Card, and Master Card is tak-ing money outta poor people!’ I’m just like, man, Master Card never came to somebody’s door and kicked it in and said, ‘We gonna give you this credit card so shut the fuck up and make the payments.’ They ain’t never done that. So, if I’m poor I know I can’t do Master Card, so why would poor people fuck with that? If I’m poor I know what I can and can-not do. I don’t go to Neiman Marcus know-ing that I only got seven dollars and that I’d maybe fare better at the GAP. So I go to the GAP, you know what I’m sayin’?

UW: Ha ha, yeah I hear ya.

J5: It’s a hard game. You try to do what you like to do, but once you put your music out people feel that they own you. You should do what they want you to do.

UW: Even though that’s not why they liked you in the first place.

J5: It was never why they did. It never was.

They didn’t know what we were about when we first came out. They just supposedly liked the music. I mean I don’t know what you do. You might get off the phone with me and go out and shoot heroin or rape kids. I can only deal with you on what I know about you, and what I know about you is that you are a writer, so we talk about stuff that we both understand. I’m not going to ask about stuff that I don’t know about you, or get mad because you do stuff that I’m not really up on. So, sorry.

UW: Well, you should be. Now I have to change my kiddie rape and drug dealing plans that I had set for this afternoon.

J5: Ha ha, right. I mean now you gotta go tell the drug man, ‘Not today. Call me tomorrow but not today.’ Ha ha. I mean it’s like what can you do?

UW: Well I know you guys are Southern Cali-fornia natives. Is there anything you would like your fans and our readers in Long Beach to know?

J5: Aww, the LBC?

UW: That’s right.

J5: Yeah I went to this place called the Crab Pot, in the marina, and they just slide the crab. You got a piece of corn and a potato and they give you a mallet, and you just go t work. I love that place. Keep the Crab Pot open LBC! [Laughs]. Seriously though, the record is out and in stores now, Feedback, check it out. And, just have an open mind when you listen to us as opposed to just coming in the game and think you know what we’re all about.

“It’s a hard game. You try to do what you like to do, but once you put your music out people feel that they own you.”

“A lot of people think we sold out”


UW: What was the feeling on the set of He-roes?

Ali: Well, this is actually my first experience with television, and when I read Tim Krane’s script I was absolutely blown away because I’ve read through other material this pilot season and nothing really caught me and then I read this pilot and went ‘wow, this is something really special.’ I also thought of it in the way that if we are lucky enough to go for five years, is this a character I could grow with? What I think is a great talent of Tim’s is that, Mickey (the character I’m play-ing) is so complicated and conflicted. I think that he keeps all his characters, even though these extraordinary things are happening to them, he keeps them very much based in reality. And that’s to me what interested me most about it. You know, how do you go on with day-to-day life. And I think that maybe why people are responding to it so much, because it really makes you ask yourself, ‘is there something inside of you? Are you dif-ferent?’ It is a cool concept based in reality, and that’s why I think it’s special.

UW: Is the working environment any dif-ferent between making a movie and doing a TV show?

Ali: Well, with this one none of our charac-ters have come together yet so I am pretty much working on my own. Uh, I know that around the sixth episode they are planning on bringing us together, so I think then it will be more like a movie environment. But the biggest difference is how fast it moves. A movie usually doesn’t do like more than four pages a day, on TV shows we are doing about eight pages a day and that means you gotta be on your toes and ready to rock n’ roll.

UW: If the show becomes popular are you ready for comic conventions?

Ali: We did it babe! Comic-Con a couple weeks ago! It was amazing. I actually think that the sci-fi fans are the best fans in the world, and coming from Final Destination and House on Haunted Hill and all that, I mean that whole base is so supportive and

so excited. We went down there and I guess they were screening the TV show and there were like 2,000 people more trying to get in to see it. The response was incredible and I am just excited to be part of a project that people are excited about.

UW: What power would you choose to have?

Ali: I would probably choose to fly. I mean, I think that would be so exhilarating and as close as you could get to true freedom.

UW: You’re from Jersey right?

Ali: Yes, Cherry Hill.

UW: Why is it that everyone from Jersey seems to want to leave?

Ali: [Laughs] You know I’ll tell you I think it’s the most incredible place to grow up.

UW: You’ve moved around a lot though haven’t you?

Ali: Yeah I have moved around a lot. Within New Jersey though I feel that the people there and their personalities are so bold, so strong, and they have a great sense of humor.

Ali Larter

All over the world people are questioning if they will prove to be something special, hoping they are different and long-ing for individual greatness. Heroes emerge everyday, and while a little boy may grow up to be a doctor, a twenty-

something girl will volunteer service to her country by joining the Na-tional Guard, and a newly widowed single dad will find the courage to tell his two sons that their mother isn’t coming home, there is a need for something more.

They are here.“Although unaware of it now, these individuals will not only save the

world, but change it forever. This transformation from ordinary to ex-traordinary will not occur overnight.

Every story has a beginning...”This fall, NBC is debuting Heroes, a television series that will change

everything. Different from all other television series, Heroes provides a service to its viewers; it gives them hope. Hope for a future where or-dinary people can make a difference in the world. Hope that we are not just tiny insignificant specks in the vast expanse of the universe.

Mohinder Suresh, a character obessed with Darwin and the legacy

of extensive scientific research that his father left behind, explains it best. In the pilot episode Suresh and Peter (Milo Ventimagilia) have a chance meeting in a taxicab. A notorious dreamer, Peter asks the stranger if he has ever felt like he was meant to be something greater, and if some people were different from everyone else; special.

Apprehensive at first, Suresh looks into the rear vew mirror and ex-amines his fair, then gives light to what this season’s biggest series will bring. “Natural selection begins with a normal individual, anonymous and seemingly ordinary…except their not. They carry inside them the genetic code that will carry their species to the next evolutionary realm…it’s destiny.”

Online teaser reviews of the pilot episode have already hailed it to be the best pilot to air in decades. Geeks, freaks, and bros all agree that there is something for everyone, whether it is the sultriness of Ali Lar-ter, the soundtrack which includes indie-revolutionary Bright Eyes, or the fascinating mythology of heroes and graphic novels.

The series will premiere on September 18th, just in-time to save the world from mediocrity and recycled scenarios. It is a show for our gen-eration and embodies the theory of evolution. The next strain is Heroes.

By Katie Wynne

“At the end of the day you just can’t take yourself that seriously.”

Interview by Beef


UW: So you are going to be granted the abil-ity to fly?

Milo: Well, there is actually going to be a lot more things I can do.

UW: Like What?

Milo: Uh, I can’t get into ‘em. For everyone who has seen the pilot. My character talks about flight for the entire show, but at the end of it you realize that he can’t fly. He leaps off of a fifteen story building and cannot fly.

UW: Oh man. Well, did you read comics when you were a kid?

Milo: I did grow up with comic books, used to go to the comic book store once a week if I could (if my parents let me). Um, I grew up more on Batman, Punisher. They weren’t so much the guys that had the super powers but just the guys that were kinda crazy.

UW: Yeah, the normal guys that do some-thing extraordinary.

Milo: Yeah, I would think that more guys would want to be invisible and kind of cruise around do whatever they wanted. But flying is great because you can just get away from the situation…and it’s got that cool factor to it.

UW: You were just at Comic-Con in San Di-ego, how did it feel to be an addition to a long tradition of heroes?

Milo: It was exciting, you know? It was noth-ing I’d ever been a part of and to see the ex-citement of these people that you know are gonna be on the internet saying good or bad things about the show, or us individually was encouraging. It was good to be at the ground floor of what we can possibly do on the show and be a part of it with those potential fans. It is was kind of cool to lose count of how many Storm Troopers I saw, or Princess Lea’s, or see a forty year old fat dude dressed as Harry Potter. It was just this weird masquerade ball, it was kinda funny.

UW: Spoiler reviews for the pilot are already online raving that this is the best pilot in re-cent memory, what was the feeling on the set of Heroes, did you feel it was going to be a success?

Milo: Success I think is yet to be determined. There are a lot of people talking about it and the feeling on set on the pilot... I think we all knew that we were part of a good script,

part of a good team, good assembly of actors, producers, writers and crew and everything. But at the same time all that excitement can deter you from actual work, so as long as you have your head on the page as an actor the rest of the crew is mindful of the responsibil-ity you have to make this great opportunity really great. Then I think we’re in good shape. The pilot got picked up and we’re in the series now so I think we did something right.

UW: The show seems to be a change from your early work like Gilmore Girls and Win-ter Break, do you attribute your success to anyone or anything in particular?

Milo: Um, no. I think it’s just perseverance. A lot of people don’t understand that as an actor just because you like a particular script or a particular role there is no guarantee of you actually getting it. I hear “no” about 80% of the time, it’s only 20% you hear “yes” and you have a job. And yes, this is very different than a lot of the earlier work that I’ve done. Finally I am play-ing an adult, playing my age which is nice. Not playing a confused teenager or reckless youth anymore is very fun.

UW: You also have the release of Rocky Bal-boa coming up, and since it was a personal project for Stallone what was it like working with him and playing his son?

Milo: It was a pleasure. I mean those are films that I grew up with. I think the first one came out the year before I was born and aside from the thirty year legacy I looked at the script and it was just a beautiful matching of words. Getting on set, having conversa-tions and collaborations with Sylvester…he is a very very cool guy. He’s very intelligent, very patient and giving of his time, and he is encouraging. He wants you to do a good job and he hired people that he believed in and that could deliver. I hope that this film will be as strong in memory for people in thirty years as the first one was.

UW: What is your favorite Rocky movie?

Milo: Everybody loves number three, I actu-ally love number four.

UW: The one with Drago, right?

Milo: Oh absolutely. Cold War, he’s training in a barn with a beard. It was a cool setup. I actually enjoyed all of em, even though a lot of people rip on five. UW: And now you’re in the upcoming one, sounds like a dream come true.

Milo: It hasn’t really hit me yet. It hasn’t. The other night I went to the movies and before the movie started there was a trailer for He-roes and then there was a trailer for Rocky. I was like, ‘You gotta be shittin me man, this is kinda crazy!’

UW: If you could create a superhero what su-perpower would you give them?

Milo: I get that question asked a lot. I would go with more of a cerebral power. Power of persuasion. It is a little different from having superhuman strength or being able to repair yourself or be super bendable or fly. You can kind of get your way with anything.

UW: What do you think makes a hero?

Milo: I think one’s intent. Let’s just go back to any war or any disaster in the world’s history. People’s intent to do good, whether they lose they life or they continue to live it’s that intent, that want to do good which I think defines a hero.

UW: Who is your hero?

Milo: My family.

UW: Is there anything that you want to say to CSULB about the show?

Milo: It’s something that college kids, people my age, people in their 50’s 60’s or in their teens are gonna enjoy. It really stretches far and wide. It doesn’t cut out any one group on age, gender, or race.

UW: I just realized the show isn’t about sand-wiches and is actually about people. Should I still watch?

Milo: [Laughs] Yeah. That’d be good though.

I think Jersey is the best state in the country!

UW: Which film do you feel most people rec-ognize you from?

Ali: You know, it’s a mix. It is usually Legally Blonde and/or Final Destination.

UW: Do you get a lot of flack from your role in Jay and Silent Bob, particularly the flatu-lence incident?

Ali: [Laughs] You know it is so fun. I was so excited to work with Kevin Smith and at the end of the day you just can’t take yourself that seriously.

UW: Exactly. Do you have someone you con-sider your personal hero?

Ali: I feel like I have so many in my life actu-ally. My mom, I am bringing out next week and she has been so supportive of my life and career. I do believe that I would have never have gotten this far if she hadn’t told me all the time growing up that failure was impos-

sible, and as long as I put myself out there I could never fail. For me to be able to have that support in my life has been extraordinary.

UW: Aw, that’s nice.

Ali: And I would also say….lemme think about that for a second…I’m thinking about my favor-ite books….umm a hero.. Hmmm, you know I would stick with my mother but I guess it is a question I should think about more.

UW: Well, your Mom isn’t a bad choice. There’s nothing wrong with choosing your Mom! So did you just finish filming Resident Evil 3?

Ali: I finished that about four weeks ago. We were down in Mexico sweating our buts off. We shot in Mexicali and Mexico City. The heat was some of the most grueling I have ever experienced in my life. But, um, I think it is gonna be a really, really cool film.

UW: Can we expect another hive? Anderson seems to really love underground hives and temples.

Ali: He opened it up, and that’s why I was attracted to the project. Because they opened it all up and this all takes place right now. Paul Anderson shows suspense and horror through daylight, and it was just such a cool concept and new take on the genre.

UW: What’s it like being typecast as a wom-an? You always seem to play a woman in ev-ery movie you do?

Ali: I am a woman!!

UW: Nah, you should branch out. I think you could play a dude maybe. You could get an Oscar.

Ali: I could play a good little ten-year-old Irish boy!

UW: Exactly! That would be nice, I think you could pull it off.

Ali: I think you might like that Beef!

UW: I can guarantee you I would. Do a lit-tle makeup work, you can pull it off. But lis-

ten, you have been quoted as saying, ‘ I hate pretty looking boys, I’d rather have a guy with a potbelly then one who’s in the gym all the time and watches what he eats.’ So that kind of leads me into my last question. Would you ever consider dating someone younger than you?

Ali: I am.

UW: Is it a ten year old Irish boy?

Ali: Ha, No.

UW: Oh, I thought you were like researching a role maybe.

Ali: Nah, it is weird dating someone younger than you. It is like forever I am going to be older than him. Forever is a long time.

UW: Well, is he your hero?

Ali: In certain ways. He is definitely an inspi-ration in my life. No doubt about that.

UW: Well that’s good. Bye-bye.

Ali continued...

Milo Ventimiglia

Interview by Brian Dunning

“You gotta be shittin’ me man, this is kinda crazy!”


Coming off a controversial Best Picture Oscar for Crash and the success of his Million Dollar Baby, writer Paul Haggis

delivers The Last Kiss without originality. Even with the enticing inclusion of Zach Braff and Casey Affleck the film comes off as a lackluster wannabe sequel to the much more loveable Garden State.

The familiarity of Braff ’s character Michael is eerie at first, like someone you recognize from a dream or local coffee shop. Then it hits you when you see him sitting in his car with a detached look on his face. It is then within the first five minutes that you realize Michael is Largeman…and Finkle is Einhorn!

Once this obvious discovery is made, the film continues to unfold recycled shot after recycled shot, leaving you waiting for that adorable Natalie Portman character to come and save this troubled young man. Unfortunately that is just what happens, only this time she takes the

form of Rachel Bilson. The only difference between the two characters is that Bilson’s doesn’t leave you wanting more, but rather, leaves you laughing at her pathetic-ness and craving the justice that only comes when you see an annoying girl emotionally decimated.

The only shining moment in the film came during one of the most passionate arguments between two people one will ever see. Faced with the consequences of his actions and caught in an unforgivable lie, Michael tries to climb his way out of his ultimate demise. It is only a couple of minutes, and yet that moment will stay fresh in your mind for months. It is a fight so heated that it will make your skin blush and your palms sweat; a visceral reaction quite rare in recent film history.

However, this fight only leads to a finale of last-ditch effort courtship by Braff, and while his determination and a Coldplay-orchestrated montage arrangement may entice a few star-struck groupies, it is not

enough to make you forget his last kiss.In the end Haggis took a script

written in 2001 (see Ultimo bacio, L’) and changed almost nothing. He failed to bring anything new to this version, with the exception of a stellar cast, including one of the finest performances given by Casey Affleck, who plays his character with fervent inner conflict and a loyalty to his son that is heart-stopping. Without Affleck the film really would just be a shoddy happenstance sequel to Braff ’s better work. Garden State 2: Largeman Grows Up or The Last Kiss, can you spot the difference?

After the success of his Grammy award-winning Gar-den State compilation, Zach Braff has arranged another soundtrack eerily similar both in sound and in style.

Like Garden State it includes staple tracks from Coldplay, Remy Zero, and the lead singer of Frou Frou is present with her more solo project Imogen Heap. While certain groups/singers like The Shins and Colin Hay are left out, similar sounding artists such as Amos Lee and Joshua Radin have replaced them. Fans of Braff ’s first arrangement will consider this one a mature version with a sound just as mellow.

It is decorated with the most tal-ented songwriters including a heart-melting song by Ray LaMontagne,

whose voice is a chocolate pudding mixture of Tom Waitts and John Mayer. The collection is another shining achievement and provides the perfect score for a life ripe with emotional struggles. It also works if you are trying to get a girl in bed.

Not As Sweet As Braff’s Last KissBy Katie Wynne

In 2001, Italian writer/director Gabriele Muccino set out to tell a sto-ry about a man, Carlo, faced with the decision of accepting his adulthood or giving in to the thrill of mystery. As a writer he looked to be realistic so that the audience would be able to empathize with his characters and appreciate their own inner struggle with growing up and settling down. Building off this artistic connection he created a cast of friends all tor-mented by their own choices and re-sponsibilities in L’Ultimo Bacio.

Muccino’s vision resulted in a wonderful tale and, while there were moments of muffled Italian slang, the language of human crisis was univer-sal. In fact, the film was so well done that in September, Academy award-winner Paul Haggis will release a shot-for-shot remake of the original. Not only did he feel Muccino met all the directorial requirements for

a perfect coming of middle age film, he adored the script so much that he copied it almost word-for word.

The fact that Paul Haggis is an award-winning writer who is doing no original work for this film is de-testable. Lakeshore is marketing the Haggis remake as “a film from the writer of Crash and co-writer of Mil-lion Dollar Baby,” which means that the general public will now bestow all credit for this film to a man who did nothing original.

Muccino made a beautiful film and everyone who has ever ques-tioned their future would enjoy watching it. However, realistically the movie that people will remember, and the one they are going to see, will be the one starring popular Ameri-can stars, advertised as the next per-fect date movie. It made me wonder, most people remember their first, but who remembers their last kiss?

L’Ultimo BacioThe Italian OriginalBy Katie Wynne The Soundtrack

By Katie Wynne


There’s nothing particularly good about Deep Blue Sea for the first 40 or so minutes of the film. Why would there be? It’s fucking Deep Blue Sea, a movie about smart sharks. Actually, that is pretty cool. But the inherent brilliance that this film might have capitalized on doesn’t rear it’s gorgeous head until about 40 minutes in, when Sam Jackson’s character gets taken out—in the best possible way—by a Thresher shark.

Why am I reviewing this film? Because it’s what Snakes on a Plane should have been. Like Deep Blue Sea, I knew that SOAP would be a bad movie. I like bad movies. The right kind—the kind that don’t realize how ridiculous they are—can be more entertaining to me than most competently produced films. That said, something happened to SOAP on the way to the theatre. Actually, a few things happened. Like the talking jet in Stealth, it became self aware. It caught on that the world was laughing at it, rather than with it. It went back for re-shoots to become the film that everyone wanted it to be without realizing that the right film had already been made. What we’re left with is a boring piece of shit that coasts on its own hype without ever taking the sort of chances that make B-movies so much fun to watch. There are no left field, bat-shit crazy moments in SOAP.

But there are in Deep Blue Sea.It’s funny, actually. Had the titles been reversed, and Deep

Blue Sea been called Sharks in a Sea Lab, with SOAP released under a generic title, the former film would have been hailed as the brain dead B-movie masterpiece that it is. Instead, we have people that don’t want to admit that an underwhelming film with only one genuine snake attack scene and one decent line is just that. Underwhelming.

Go rent this movie and see the face of God in the omni-rowed jaws of Professor Shark.

-By Miles Lemaire

In one of the most controversial decisions of the century, Paramount Pictures has decided to release the new edition of Pretty in Pink with the subtitle “Everything’s Duckie.” For shame! Any fan of the film that will undoubtedly be rushing to DVD Planet to buy this unashamed contradiction knows that it was Duckie who got the short end of the stick in the film. He was left out to dry, while Ringwald foolishly chose that rich kid from across the tracks. Now, Paramount tries to make up for it with this public slap in the face!

Maybe it is a completelty different movie. Maybe Duckie is accepted by others, gets the girl, has amazingly hot sex all prom night long, and then grows up to invent some little piece for turntables that leaves him a millionaire; perhaps then the title would be fitting. However, it is a well-known fact that he grows up to live with Charlie Sheen and a kid named Angus. Truly everything turned out unlucky for Duckie. -By Katie Wynne

It was my pleasure to view the latest feature film from New Line Cinema and Walden Media, How To Eat Fried Worms, rated PG for “mild bullying and crude humor.” This film, based off the Thomas Rockwell classic, tells the courageous tale of eleven-year-old Billy Forrester, played by Luke Benward (last seen in Because of Winn-Dixie), who enters

his first day at a new school expecting the worst and finds himself in the crosshairs of the schoolyard bully Joe Guire, played by Adam Hicks (of The Shaggy Dog and Down and Derby).

It all starts in the cafeteria as fifth grade Billy sits alone to enjoy his lunch. He is surprised by “a can of worms” that Joe and his gang have packed into his thermos. This leads to a week of torment as Billy is called “worm boy” by his

peers, until one day after school he attempts to claim the name as a form of endearment, which leads to a bet with Joe to eat ten worms by seven PM on Saturday.

How to Eat Fried Worms had me from the beginning, with something I haven’t seen since Honey I Shrunk the Kids: cartoon style opening credits. While the humor for the film was aimed at its PG audience, there were some sub-context jokes for older siblings and parents that may be forced to tag along for the show.

How To Eat Fried Worms is an interesting story of triumph for tormented kids and underdogs everywhere. A film that can only be described as The Sandlot meets a twisted episode of Hell’s Kitchen, in which the main course is ten worms served on an tour around town, with recipes even Emeril Lagasse could be proud of. The boys play their personal Fear Factor with concoctions like “BAM!!,” The Burning Fireball, Green Slusher, Greasy Brown Toad Special, Radio Active Slime Delight, and my personal favorite, The Barfmallow. In the end Billy learns two lessons: the importance of standing up to bullies, and not biting off more than he can chew.

The dysfunctional family genre has been rapidly expanding over the last several years,

and with Little Miss Sunshine, it may have a new leader. It starts with a truly unique collection of characters: a plain little girl who wants to be a beauty queen, an angst-ridden Ni-etzsche-loving teenager who’s taken a vow of silence, a failed motivation-al speaker father, an impressively re-pressed mother, her suicidal brother, and, best of all, a grandfather who snorts heroin. Yet in the way of all truly dysfunctional families, the ab-surdities of these characters work in some way, making their interactions seem more genuine, more human,

and most of all, more realistically familial.

Everything I noticed about this movie, I loved—it’s well written, well shot, and the cast is a great argument for introducing a Best Ensemble act-ing award at the Oscars. Steve Carell (the uncle) played an amazingly sub-dued and funny character, but the rest of the cast, which includes Greg Kinnear and Alan Arkin, all turned in great performances as well. The standout, though, is Paul Dano, who managed to make a silent teenager into an incredibly sympathetic char-acter.

This was the first movie for mu-sic video and commercial-directing

husband-and-wife team Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris, who have immediately catapulted themselves near the top of my favorites list. They managed to make the rarest kind of movie, one that shows all the hurt-ful, awful things that families do to themselves, while still being side-splittingly hilarious.

Whether you’re a wet-behind-the-ears freshman looking for a rea-son to be homesick or an embittered fifth-year senior looking for motiva-tion to visit your parents, I recom-mend this movie to you. I’d guess that it will remind most people of the good stuff about their families, and that can’t be a bad thing.

Previews • Reviews • Release Dates

Pretty In PinkEverything’s Duckie EditionStarring: Molly Ringwald, Harry Dean

Stanton, Jon Cryer, etc.Release Date: 8-29-2006PG-13Paramount

Deep Blue Sea vs. Snakes on a Plane

Frisco’sIf you want to get a 29 degree Fat Tire on draft than this is your place. It’s also your place if you like to see sorority-looking girls dance around on roller skates in frilly pink skirts so short you can see there black boy-cut briefs. The atmosphere is reminiscent of Pulp Fiction’s Jack Rabbit Slim’s complete with live 60’s music on Fridays and Sundays. Frisco’s has got a large specialty drink menu and 13 beers on draft all chilled to 29 degrees. The appetizers are pretty standard—nachos, Buffalo wings, and other fried stuff. The majority of the menu is burgers and sandwiches with a few salads, pastas, pizza and Mexican food thrown into the mix. Most items are around 10-14 bucks. I went for the filet mignon sandwich which was very lean, tender, and huge. Overall this is a good family restaurant and a place to go if you want an all-American dinner and good drinks.

4750 Los Coyotes Diagonal, Long Beach 562-498-FOOD www.friscos.com

Johnny’s SaloonThe OC’s best bar for punk rock and booze. You’ll fit in best if you’ve got piercings and tattoos but as long as you like Jack Daniels or tall boys of Pabst Blue Ribbon you’ll be comfortable enough. Bring anybody because it’s dark and the drinks are strong so you won’t care who you’re with after a couple of hours. Johnny’s has got two pool tables and a unique juke box that changes every couple months with local bands, vintage punk rock and rock n’ roll classics. At Johnny’s, Sinatra Sundays feature double Jack and Cokes and flavored martini specials. Tuesday they have ½ price Jack and Cokes from 8:00-11:00pm and Thursdays all flavored vodkas are on special. And if you like to start early then stop by Mondays through Friday from 12:00-2:00pm and all drinks are a dollar (except for top shelf ).

17428 Beach Blvd. Huntington Beach 714-848-0676 www.myspace.com/johnnyssaloon.

pull up a stool with cynthia romanowski

LittLe Miss sunshinethe 40 Year-Old Virgin meets a 10 year-old virgin

-By Mike Guardabascio

I dare you to see this movieA review of How To Eat Fried Worms

-By Matt Byrd


Where the illLiterature at!? “What is illLite-rature?” One might make ask.Well, look: I never learned how to do reading alright! I do happen to be one of the Union’s managing editors, but I don’t think that really requires me to be one of those ready types. Those who know me say I don’t like words; but those who know me better say I just re-ally like pictures. A lot. So this column is for peo-ple who are, like me, afraid of words but are trying to tickle their fears, and find one solitary reason to open this paper up to the lit page. Well you could just have one of your ‘indoor-kid’ friends cut it out for you. Yeah, that would probably be better.

This week Mike (AKA: The Word Baron), the Lit editor, gave me a book called “The Pee-Pee and Poo-Poo Book For Boys” (I think my roommate had a hand in that because he always complains about my... messes) and It was pretty great. I really Identified with the main character who seemed pretty upset that even though he could eat his breakfast and brush his teeth all by himself he still had to wear a diaper! So one day, after a hard day of doing whatever it is that two-year-olds do all day he came home to find out that “Mommy has a big big box” that “daddy helps [him] open”. Unfor-tunately, there were no squirrels or ben-wah balls inside, only a potty. Henry did what any warm blooded male would do at this point and “off goes my diaper, teddy sits on my lap” but then he poo-ped. Which I didn’t understand. I thought Teddy would be the one to poop when it was all over...

To me, Henry is pretty much your typical everyman: He’s got a lot of the same problems I have, and I think it’s great to seem him take steps towards learning how to poop in the toilet. I too think I might be ready to take this step, and I might even bring some reading material with me. Like Henry, I too, upon my triumph will say, “Let’s call Grandma, “ because “this is news she’ll want to hear”.

Wired may be the best magazine that doesn’t have naked pictures in it. For those of you who haven’t seen it or heard of it, Wired is the magazine that invented geek chic, and made technology cool long before the iPod was a glimmer in Steve Jobs’ eye. It covers all areas of technology, including its impact on society; that’s re-

ally what makes Wired a great magazine, and readable for a techno-philistine such as myself. It’s not just senseless information about technical specs, but a more generalized look at what’s cool in tech-nology.

Maybe the best evidence of Wired’s superiority: I brought in a few copies to

look over while writing this article, and within minutes the whole staff was leaf-ing through them. It really is a magazine that has something for everyone; the lat-est issue includes articles on technology in war, video games, iPods, laptops, and cars, all of them totally understanding and incredibly interesting.

Wired also boasts some of the cool-est contributors in the world, from Neil Gaiman to Douglas Coupland, and a reg-ular writing staff that’s a cut, maybe two above the rest. As an added bonus, they have access to a shiny metallic ink that makes some headlines or backgrounds look like they’ve been dipped in liquid silver.

Wired runs monthly, with a cover price of five bucks, and believe me, its worth it. But still, only suckers pay re-tail—if you go to wiredmag.com, you can get a whole year’s worth of magazines for only ten dollars, or two for twenty. For less than the price of a hardcover book, I now have two years worth of cool news and great writing headed my way—pretty shweet. Super shweet, even.

You’ll want to read this book on the toilet. Trust me. There are a few reasons for this, the first of which

involves the expulsion of bodily fluids dur-ing the reading of certain lists. Personally, a little—very little, I’m not an animal—urine escaped during my reading of “Alternate Names for ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ Spread” by Bob Shea. I don’t normally feel comfortable sharing that kind of informa-tion with complete strangers, but if it helps to

put the book in your hands then I don’t mind at all.

The title does not lie. This is a book of lists, com-piled and edited by Dave Eggers from the McSwee-ney’s website. The lists are varied, covering such topics as a “Matchbox 20” vanity plate, “Anecdotal Leads for News Stories Reporting the End of the

World,” and things “Overheard on the Day They Invented Sliced Bread.” That’s really all the set-up you need.

What struck me as amazing is that most of these lists—the better ones—tell a story. Some of these authors are actually building situations and characters out of these lists and doing it in a way that appears—as it does with most McSweeney’s writers—effortless in execution. Others are simply content to make

you laugh, and that’s fine, because they too are building towards some sort of a punch-line. You can read the individual items on each list as a separate entity, but a line like, “Am I wrong about God too?’ Spread,” only truly works when you’ve read the whole list through. It’s smart writing in the midst of an admittedly flimsy and gimmicky premise. The fact that this book is readable, let alone enjoyable, is a massive credit to the ability of these writers.

But the best news—and the second reason why this is perfect bathroom read-ing material—is that this is also one of the quickest reads you’ll encounter all semester. There’s something very satisfying about be-ing able to breeze through a 208 page book in a little over an hour, and for those of you that need a break from your required read-ing, this is the perfect escape.

So buy it. Give Dave Eggers your money and feel good about the fact that this is $13 that Dan Brown can’t have.

If I were a reputed novelist with a knack for writing good, popular comedic literary fiction looking for a seed from which to grow my next semi-comic novel, I prob-ably wouldn’t start with the word suicide. And that’s why I could never be Nick Hornby. Hornby’s latest novel, A Long Way Down, is about the lives of four characters who meet on New Year’s Eve; they meet on

top of a tall London Build-ing, and they’re all there to do the same thing: close their eyes and jump. Their reasons are varied: one, Maureen, is a woman living alone with her son who is essentially brain-dead and paralyzed, and has no hope in her life. Another, Mar-tin, is a fallen-from grace TV personality who had an

affair with an underage girl, and, fresh out of prison, is looking to avoid the embar-rassment of life.

These four characters represent Horn-by’s greatest creation to date. The plots of his books are always enjoyable enough, but it’s the characters that bring his readers back, and have brought him such acclaim, and it’s the characters that I would imagine

are the reason that actors are usually the ones who buy the rights to adapt his books for film. Maureen, Martin, JJ and Jess are perfectly realized characters, unique even among Hornby’s books.

A Long Way Down also bears Hornby’s other signature: it’s touching and quasi-sentimental, but without every dropping into corniness or cliché. That was hard enough to do when he was writing about parenting or love, but in a book about four characters discovering reasons to live, its damn near impossible, and Hornby pulls it off gracefully, making it look easy.

A Long Way Down is a funny, moving novel that reads quickly but will still leave the reader satisfied. Even more impressive, it’s a book that will inspire everyone from Oprah fans to embittered satire writers, an accomplishment I don’t think any other book has managed.

This Week: Poop Books

Mountain Man Dance MovesThe McSweeney’s Book of ListsBy the Editors of McSweeney’s208 pagesAvailable October 10, 2006

Reviewed By Miles Lemaire

A Long Way DownBy Nick HornbyA Riverhead Paperback333 pages, $14.00

Reviewed By Mike Guardabascio

Magazine ProfileWiredMonthly

Reviewed By Mike Guardabascio


Twelve Months

See, I told you we’d be back. I hope everyone’s summer was chalk

full of sports, sunshine and a shitload more sports, and as this page’s sophomore season gets underway I would like to assure you that a slump is not in the cards. The true test of a team is how they come back to defend a title. I’m not saying we are the champions… wait, yah I am.

So, this year we will have your old favor-ites like a beefed up Beach Update section and season previews (see page 24) as well as new nuggets of fun like “My Team” where you the reader can take a moment to rant, rave or just plug your favorite team. The cool thing is we are open to any opinions or ideas for the page. Think we should cover some event? Let us know and maybe you could do it. Matter of fact, we are looking for some savvy motivated personnel to cover some of the sports here on campus. Seriously, pick any sport you want and you can cover one or however many games you want. Even if you are not a Jour-nalism or English major, writing for a stellar publication like the Union can only make that resume look better.

With that said, before you bum rush the office with your musings I think we need to get a few things straight because as sports fans we tend to disagree. A lot. That’s not a bad thing, though; because its those heated conversations and pre-season predictions which make us sports fans. We all need to realize that…… the Angels will never make a deadline move with Bill Stoneman in the front office, so Angel fans need to manage their expectations in late July.…Tiger Woods is unbeatable when he brings his “A game.”… Barry Bonds took some sort of perfor-mance enhancing drug, so let’s all get over it because most of baseball was doing the same thing. Bonds’ drugs were just better.… Bonds should change his intro music to Chamillionaire’s “Ridin’ Dirty” for irony’s sake.… Tennessee CB Pacman Jones needs to stay inside his house between the hours of 5pm and 7am. And Chris Henry should move in to keep him company.… Fantasy football is not a dredge on the sports world. It’s just fun, and a lucrative investment for those with the skill (see: this guy).… Field of Dreams is the best baseball movie of all time, and I loved Bull Durham. Why Field of Dreams, you ask? Three words, James Earl Jones.… Kobe Bryant is the best player in the NBA.… Phil Mickelson is a great golfer who has the unfortunate luck of playing at the same time as Tiger.… Poker is not a sport. It’s a game, and there is a difference.… Dancing takes athletic talent, but it is not a sport.… ESPN will never give west coast teams the attention they deserve because they have to cut highlights three hours before any West teams play.… Bill Belichick is a better coach than Bill Parcells.… Ned Colletti is the NL General Manager of the Year, and Brian Cashman is the AL General Manager of the Year.… Andy Roddick needs to stop yelling at the chair umpire and just play some freakin tennis.… The Long Beach State men’s basketball team is going to be good this year. Real good.… NASCAR is boring on television, and they need to add more street races.… Al Pacino’s pre-game speech in Any Given Sunday is the best football movie speech ever.

I could keep going, but... wait. Hold on. You smell that? That’s right baby, it’s football season! Don’t believe me? Turn the page.

Yaddada!

Like A Bat Outta Hell

Questions? Comments?JJ Fiddler can be reached at [email protected] comment online at www.lbunion.com

SportsSportsSportsSports By JJ Fiddler

Sports Editor

Twelve Months

By ryan Zummallen

Union Staffer

Twelve months later. Three hundred and sixty-five days later. One year later. Don’t call it an anniversary.

Traditionally, anniversaries are reserved for events that should be celebrated. People want to remember anniversaries.

It’s been one year since the greatest natural disaster this country has ever seen struck the Gulf Coast. Hurricane Katrina plowed through the deep south, with winds reaching speeds well over 100 mph. Mother Nature pummeled the region with countless tons of water until it became too much to hold. Levees in New Orleans, built solely to contain such a disaster, burst. Try to picture the destruction that would be done to Southern California if one of the most cataclysmic earthquakes in history were to strike. Then add up to 20 feet of water.

New Orleans, a city built ten feet below sea level, never had a chance. The destruction was unfathomable. At least 1,830 lives were lost and over $100 billion has been spent in cleanup and repair. As relief slowly crawled to those in need, waiting for help in the affected regions became a struggle for survival. Thousands fended for themselves for days, awaiting the promise of help from a government that worried more about reports and data than human lives. Watching it unfold seemed like a nightmare happening a thousand miles away from Southern California.

For two of CSULB’s volleyball players, it couldn’t have hit closer to home. Quincy Verdin’s hometown of Morgan City, LA, received minor damage compared to the rest of the affected region. “I’m just glad that it’s over,” she said, relieved to see her city recovering. “Everything is kind of cleaned up now. It’s coming back to how it used to be.”

Quincy’s teammate, Naomi Washington, wasn’t as lucky. She hails from the heart of the destruction, New Orleans. Understandably, Washington has strong feelings regarding the ‘anniversary.’ “You think about the people who lost everything, like my family,” she said. “Who wants to celebrate that?”

While the game of volleyball itself seemed to be a million miles away, the team quickly became a support group. “My teammates and coaches showed me so much love and they just really kept me going. If they weren’t there, I would have broken down,” Washington said. Without a way to contact anyone, she waited for days, relying on those around her for emotional support. “I’m wondering the whole time, where’s my family? I’m going crazy and my coaches talked to me and they’re like ‘They’re fine, just trust that they’re gonna be okay.’”

In the middle of a catastrophe, sports are an afterthought. “I didn’t think athletics were very important at the time,” Verdin said. “I was more worried about my family and how they were doing.”

The worst of times often bring out the best in people, and several CSULB sports teams came together to raise money for the girls and their families. “All the other athletic departments, the baseball team, the track team, everybody helped put in money,” Verdin said. Washington gushed when remembering the support. “I can’t get over the fact that they did this for me and Quincy’s family. They barely even know us.”

Washington’s family, in their time of need, received an extra special present from the university. “They sent my family $11,000,” she said. Nearly a year later, Washington still speaks about the gift with a look of shock and amazement in her eyes. It was only her first few weeks on campus, a freshman far away from home at a big school. The university stepped up, took her in and made her feel at home. “My family cried and wrote letters back to the A.D. It’s so amazing.”

The 2005 season was obviously difficult for everyone, but women’s volleyball came together and tied with UCSB for the Big West conference title. Verdin will be featured early and often in the 2006 season after averaging 3.30 kills per game in 27 appearances at outside hitter. Washington redshirted the season, but came on strong in spring workouts. The future looks promising for the 6-foot-3 OH.

With the disaster one year behind, the girls look forward to the upcoming school

year and volleyball season. CSULB is ranked #1 in the Big West this preseason, and is poised to make a run at a second straight conference title. A 2006 Big West championship would be CSULB’s ninth in school history. This weekend’s victories over Missouri, Alabama State and Villanova seem to be a promising beginning.

Volleyball provides a safe haven to our 49ers, just as sports in general have served as a distraction from reality for the tens of thousands misplaced by the storm. “I thought about [my family] before practice and after practice. But while we’re in practice, volleyball takes everything off of my mind,” Washington explained.

There is a difference between wanting to remember, and not wanting to forget. Anniversaries are to be remembered fondly, so this is certainly not one of those. At the same time, it would be a tragedy even greater than the hurricane itself to forget the events of August 29, 2005.

Washington’s family has since settled down in Houston, TX, and is understandably cautious of returning to the Gulf. When asked if she planned on moving back to the New Orleans area, Washington said, “I don’t think I want the same thing to happen to me. I mean, my family wants to move out here.”

“We’re just trying to put it behind us now so we can move forward,” Verdin said with a smile.

Twelve months later, they seem to be doing just that.

Niners Take Three In Three

Under a lengthy list of the program’s accomplishments on the inside front cover of this year’s press guide it reads, “This is Long Beach State Volleyball.” Over the weekend, the 2006 edition of the 49ers embarked on their journey to continue that storied tradition, and three wins over the weekend in the Annual Long Beach State Tournament was a good start.

On Friday night the Beach took on #13 Missouri in front of 2,000 patrons in the Walter Pyramid, winning easily in three games 30-16, 30-18, 30-27. Outside hitters Quincy Verdin and Robin Miramontes dominated the net, tallying 12 and 11 kills respectively, while Sophomore setter Nicole Vargas made her first start a memorable one with 37 assists, seven digs and three kills.

“I had some jitters during warm-ups,” said Vargas. “But once I got on the floor

they went away. We played well and kept competing… and our hitters were really on tonight.”

Long Beach used two separate six-point runs in the first game, holding the Tigers to one point more than their school record for lowest point total in one game.

After the match, a normally reserved Head Coach Brian Gimmillaro was all smiles and laughs over his team’s performance. “This was a good start for us. [Missouri] is a good team and well coached, but we were better tonight… This looks like a Long Beach State team.”

The ladies continued to look like 49ers on Saturday, taking out Alabama State and Villanova in three game sweeps. The afternoon game against Alabama got so out of hand (30-7, 30-7, 30-6) that Gimmillaro was able to play his entire bench as 11 of 13 players tallied points, led by the newcomer at middle blocker Michaela Hasalikova, who scored 14.5 points with 11 kills.

In the nightcap, Villanova battled with the Beach— using a seven-point run in the first game to get to game point four times— but Long Beach fought back and took the game on a block by middle blocker Alexis Crimes, who started the match 11 for 11 in total attacks and finished with a team-high 13.

“We gained a lot of experience, playing well on Friday,” said Gimmillaro, whose team came back from deficits in the first and third game on Saturday night, taking the match 34-32, 30-20, 30-28. “Today was a long day, but we were able to turn it on at the end of each game tonight… I like the attitude of this team.”

If it’s attitude that dictates results, then this attitude is working, and like Gimmillaro said on Friday night, “This is Long Beach State: what do you expect?”

Volleyball continues their season opening home stand on Wednesday night @7:30 against Oregon.

By JJ Fiddler

Sports Editor

Major Players (From front to back) Robin Miramontes, Alexis Crimes, Naomi Washington, Nicole Vargas and Head Coach Brian Gimmillaro.


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50 Exotic FlavorsFlavor of the Week:

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Hookah Bar with Open Air PatioEntirely Student Owned and Operated

50 Exotic FlavorsFlavor of the Week:

Strawberry Lemonade


[Sports]

50 40 30

50 40 30AFC EAST

Mike- The Patriots look fired up for a return to form, and with Junior Seau

providing even more on-field heart and intelligence, I’m going to guess that they’ll

walk away with the division. Ryan- Ass-face says, New England;

Guru says, Dolphins 11-5,because of C-pep throwing bombs to Cris Chambers all day long! No Feely throwing

lame ducks, and the best young running back in the NFL finally getting his chance

to shine! Mike- The Dolphins are the team I’m

most curious about; I love Nick Saban so far, but I’ve got Culpepperphobia, and

I just can’t see him taking them further than they’ve been. The Bills won’t even

pretend to be good this year, and my best friend is a Jets fan, so be sure to laugh if

you see him.

AFC SOUTH Ryan- As long as Manning is throwing to Harrison and Wayne, I can’t see anyone stopping them in their division. They figured out how to play defense last

season, let’s just hope they can remember how. Colts 13-3

Mike- The Jaguars will be good soon, with a strong draft class, but it won’t be

this year. Colts in a no-brainer to win the division, and I will keep Texans and Titans

fans in my prayers. As a Niners fan, I hope they’ll keep me in theirs as well.

AFC NORTH Ryan- This is “the recovering

quarterbacks division.” The best offense in the NFL is contingent on Palmer’s health. The Steelers are getting old, and they lost

Antwan Randel “Do it all well.”Mike- I’m betting Carson Palmer is going

to be shaky for two or three weeks, just long enough for the Steelers to grab a small lead,

which they’ll carefully and intelligently protect for the rest of the season.

Ryan- No Bus = no threat on the goal line. Mike- The Browns are patently bad, and

I’d be stunned if the Ravens won 6 games this year. Stunned.

AFC WESTMike- The West should be a fun ride— a month ago I might have had the Broncos running away with it, but I’m going to go with the Chargers; Philip Rivers has been

mostly impressive in the preseason. Ryan- RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN

RUN! I think my grandma could gain 1,000 yards in the Bronco’s scheme. The

addition of Javon Walker should give them a deep threat that Rod Smith hasn’t

given them in a while. A touchy road schedule hurts them, but I see them as the favorite coming out of this touch division.

Broncos 11-5.Mike-Raiders will be a shitty team with a

great offense that turns the ball over too much, and the Chiefs are going to find out how strong Larry Johnson’s shoulders are when they rest their entire team on them.

NFC EAST Ryan- WHO GIVES A SHIT! I HATE THEM ALL!Mike- Even though I hate them, I’ll take a surprise gamble on the Cowboys—I don’t think the Redskins have it in them, and I think the Eagles are going to find out that T.O. wasn’t the only rotten apple in their barrel. I think the Giants…well, I think the Giants suck. They always look good on paper, but never do anything.

NFC SOUTH Mike- The Panthers have been everyone’s sexy pick for the Super Bowl, and I admit it looks like they’ll tear up their division at the very least. I’m as curious as everyone else to see what Reggie and Drew can do in New Orleans; I’m betting better than

people think. I think New Orleans will get the feel good team this year they deserved

last year. Ryan- Mike said New Orleans is going to

be good. I just want to make sure that’s printed!

Carolina 16-0! Easiest schedule ever. Steve Smith, Defense, Jake, K. Johnson, Defense.

Good luck beating this team! World Champs!

NFC NORTH Mike- Yick. What a horrible division— I don’t know what will be harder, watching Brett Favre flop around like a fish out of water, or watching Brad Johnson start a football game for the Vikings. He was their starting quarterback an entire era ago…Bears take this division by default, and my money says no one scores more than ten points on them at home all season.Ryan- I’ve got the Bears giving up a cumulative 13 points the entire season, and scoring only 14. And in a final score from Wrigley… oh, wait, Soldier Field, the Bears win 3 to 2.

NFC WESTRyan- I’ve got the Seahawks. Improved defense for sure, very good offense, key off season pick ups, and everyone hates to visit the country’s most depressingly rainy city. Long live the highest suicide rate in America.Mike- I’ve seen a lot of people underrating the Seahawks and overrating the Cardinals. Don’t forget: the Seahawks got Julian Peterson off the Niners. If they’d had him last season, they may have won the Super Bowl. Also don’t forget: the Cards picked up Edge, but an offensive line is sold separately. Only good thing the Rams did was not let Mike Martz back in, only good the the Niners did was resign Jerry Rice for one day.

RyanAFC ChampCincinnati BengalsNFC ChampsCarolina Panthers World ChampCarolina Panthers

MikeAFC ChampIndianapolis ColtsNFC ChampsSeattle SeahawksWorld ChampSeattle Seahawks

Over the weekend, Mike Guardabascio and Ryan Kobane sat down to hash out their picks and predictions for this NFL season. Voices were raised, chairs were thrown and someone almost lost an eye. It was fantastic. Enjoy!

Tell us what you think about the upcoming NFL season. Log onto www.lbunion.com to post a comment on this article.


[Sports]

Busts 1) Corey Dillon, RB Patriots 2) Deuce Mcallister, RB Saints3) Ron Dayne, RB Broncos4) Steve Mcnair, QB Ravens5) Isaac Bruce, WR Rams 6) Chris Brown, RB Titans 7) Keenan McCardell, WR Chargers8) Joe Jurevicius, WR Browns9) Mark Brunell, QB Redskins 10) Carnell Williams, RB Buccaneers

Sleepers1) Reuben Droughns, RB Browns 2) Drew Bledsoe, QB Cowboys3) Ben Troupe , TE Titans4) Julius Jones, RB Cowboys5) Frank Gore, RB 49ers6) Willie Parker, RB Steelers7) Ahman Green, RB Packers 8) Reggie Brown, WR Eagles 9) Joe Horn, WR Saints10) Willis McGahee, RB Bills

Fantasy Football: Draft EditionBy ryan KoBane

News Director

Every year, sometime around late summer, the magazines start to appear; glossy, large, and expensive. ESPN dedicates an entire show, and parts of SportsCenter to this pop culture phenomenon. Yahoo launches websites and analysis long before the first pre-season snap. Fantasy football is becoming a culture within a culture; an outlet and an excuse for every Sunday armchair quarterback to care about every yard, every interception, and every second of every game.

Fantasy football hasn’t grown into a billion dollar industry just overnight. I can still remember my dad archaically adding up yardage and touchdowns from the Monday morning sports section, then having to call up everyone in his league to see who the winner for that week was.

If you have been living under a rock for the last five years, or you have never watched a football game on TV, allow me to quickly explain the concept of fantasy football. The basic idea is that everything a player does is worth something. If a player scores a touchdown, it’s points, runs for 30 yards, it’s points, fumbles, it’s a loss of points. Every person in a league acts as the coach of his own team, which is comprised of a few players from every different offensive position, and every week he or she has to decide which player to start and whom to bench.

Now that everyone at least has the concept of fantasy football, allow me to say this; I am a fantasy football maniac. I have been in the same league, with the same people for five seasons now, with one championship and playoff births in every single season. I also consider myself somewhat of a fantasy football guru. And this season I have been allowed to voice my opinions, concerns, and predictions to you. So here they are: the busts, sleepers, MVP’s, and team analysis.

1. Larry Johnson, RB Chiefs- no brainer here. If LJ had been the starter for all 16 games last season his stats would have been obscene, somewhere around the 2,900 yard mark with 30 TDs. And with Herm Edwards committing even more to the run this season, I smell offensive MVP for 06/07. 2,123 yards, 23 TD’s.

2. Shaun Alexander, RB Seahawks- He just got paid mad skrilla, but Shaun doesn’t seem to be the kind of runner that would just shut down after an MVP season. Great additions to the offense and a shut-down defense all add up to great things for this guy. 1,800 yards, 25 TD’s

3. Ladainian Tomlinson, RB Chargers- Mr. Consistent, a new quarterback hurts LT due to the stacked lines he’s going to be facing, but he’s proved that even in an sub-par offense that he’s a stud, all day long baby. 1,450 yards, 21 TD’s, 65 rec.

4. Clinton Portis, RB Redskins- He is a complete nut bag, but man can this guy run. Let’s hope he sticks to just one of his personalities this season and stays healthy. 1,550 yards, 12 TDs.

5. Tiki Barber, RB Giants- Getting old, but always overlooked. Hint Hint, he ran for 200+ yards in three games last season, only the third RB in NFL history to accomplish that. 1,650 yards, 9 TD’s

6. Ronnie Brown, RB Dolphins- No Ricky, no problem. Finally allowed to shine, C-pep should give Brown some room to work with. Young, fast, strong. Durability is the only concern. 1,450 yards, 14 TD’s

7. Rudi Johnson, RB Bengals- Very difficult rushing schedule drops Rudi a few spots. He’s very consistent, and is in the best offense in the NFL. 1,400 yards, 9 TD’s

8. Steve Smith, RB Panthers- Don’t be fooled by his size, he loves going over the middle, runs routs like Harrison, and will burn you with one step. Best WR in the game right now! 105 Rec, 14 TD’s

9. Edgerrin James, RB Cardinals- New scenery, same kind of offense, well minus a Manning and add a Warner. I think he excels if the line can give him just one step. 1,350 yards, 11 TD’s

10. Steven Jackson, RB Rams- Prototypical runner, 6-3, 231 with speed, I love this guy! He wants the touches; it’s just a matter of if Linehan will give them to him. 1,400 yards 9 TD’s

11. Payton Manning, QB Colts- Amazing arm, best QB in the NFL. With Harrison and Wayne catching everything thrown their way, Manning is still money. I see the loss of Edge as a huge factor though, the running game takes a hit for sure. And I don’t think drafting a QB in the first round of a draft is ever a good idea.

Top 11 Players


I have always been lazy. I rarely start anything myself but I am quite good at finishing a task. If someone gives me an assignment, or a job to do, I will most

likely do it well. But, like I said, I am lazy, and a very poor self-starter.

Then one day I thought, perhaps I could play into my own apparent nature, which seems to be that of task-handed drone. Instead of taking an assignment to completion as handed to me by another, I will simply give them to myself. I thought, I will carve out a second consciousness from my current composite one, and have it assign me things to do. Perhaps I could carve, quite literally, a chunk of flesh from my body. From my side, or from my hand. Or maybe my hand altogether. I could separate my left hand from the rest of my body and fill it with all the madness, the inspiration, the work ethic, while the rest of me submits to the new, sole possessor of my dominant and productive traits. And so, with a recently purchased hacksaw, I remove my left hand from the rest of my body and endow it with all of my more admirable traits.

I will adorn it with crown shaped rings and henna tattoos, painted fingernails and a single piercing in that fleshy triangle between the thumb and forefinger; a gold and platinum ring with a five and a half carat diamond.

The initial runs of its commands yield high productivity. The works are critical and financial windfalls, blockbusters even. Although my former hand deserves all of the credit, it will accept none, thrusting all of the accolades onto me.

I am happy to receive the credit, and the hand is pleased with my obedience. To show my appreciation I build it a gilded chair to sit on. It is decorated with the finest jewels and the softest furs. I place small pieces of meat at the foot of the throne as a sacrifice. It is pleased.

It commands me to write a novel; a novel about a

young woman who becomes the world’s savior. She will be worshipped and show us all the way to world peace. The book is hailed as the defining work of its generation. I complete a novel every nine months that garners the same reaction for the next ten years and one every six months for the following thirty.

The hand never grows weary. It never submits. It is pure insanity; the kind of genius that is reckless and inapproachable. If my hand were a writer it would be Kerouac. It would drink too much red wine and have unprotected sex, causing it to contract genital warts. It is original and incomparable. It is everything I want to be, minus the genital warts. It does not allow me to speak to the press or to the public and so people assume that I posses those qualities. For years it goes on commanding and I go on laboring.

Ten years into this process I have grown tremendously rich acting as the conduit for my hand. I never leave my house. I spend most of the earnings trying to please it. The hand sits atop a pile of extremely rare Spanish doubloons, and occasionally goes for a trot on its prize-winning, million-dollar thoroughbred stallion. People write articles comparing me to Howard Hughes, or the great Russian mystic Rasputin. They say I am clearly insane.

By the fortieth anniversary of our separation, I am regarded as superior to Shakespeare, and more important than Socrates, J.D. Salinger, and James Joyce

are but a footnote compared to me. I have become the preeminent, most important writer in human history, though no one has ever heard me speak nor seen my face.

One day, in my extreme old age, the hand addresses me in the usual manner. It tells me that it has grown weary of being the power behind the crown, and that it wants its just due. It wants me to address the world, and introduce the true source of all my material. I contact every major media source and tell them of my plans, in two weeks time, to speak on the steps of my estate.

On the day of my announcement, millions of people have assembled in front of my house. It is by all accounts, the largest gathering of people in history. I have had a very powerful public address system constructed. I step up to the microphone and say, “It was not me. It was my hand.” Then I will thrust the adorned and shriveled hand into the air. At that very moment my heart will stop beating, and I will collapse.

The crowd will stand in complete silence for a very long time. After everyone is as confused as they possibly can be, a young man will pull out a pocketknife, and begin sawing away at his own left hand. The people around him back away and gasp as he saws away at his wrist, and none look away as the blade severs the appendage. A nearby woman begins doing the same. And then more. And then more. Soon the crowd is a frenzy of people in some stage of removing a hand. After they have all succeeded in amputation they cheer and scream and applaud.

That is the sound of one hand clapping.

-Conor Izzett

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The Whole of Truth ElectrifiedJared Kenelm Collins

I was standing out on an open hilltop at high noonNo friends but the grasses, no challenge but the skyStretching brown-leaved arms to dark-clouded heavenShifting thirsty toes in rich earth just beginning to thawWhen the sky began to clear in an absent windAnd the purest of white-hot angels came down upon meWith the ferocity of a demon and the beauty of a goddessShattering the air itself with her speed and intensityAs she dove into my open arms from the clear blue skyHer ethereal form coursing through me like the windWith such fiery passion as to set fire to my corePurging all the old dead wood eating at my lonely aching heartSnapping off the most rigid brittle branches from my trunkStripping the dry brown leaves from my outstretched armsAwakening the blind moles in dark earth beneath my feetSuddenly changing everything I’d refused so long to changeAs her unexpected beauty awakens me to the goodness of this worldWhile the fires die and my heart fills the deep void of the ashesAnd bright new leaves sprout green life from my fingersAs the passion of her passage floods my body to banish the coldWatching the old brown leaves sail lightly eastward on a light breezeI realize I’ll never meet such an angel as this lightning ever againAnd though this small lonely world is the only one I’ve ever knownI know the universe could not create a fairer beauty to rival hersFor she is inhuman, immortal, the divine embodiment of VeritasSimply spirit, devoid of form, she alone has known infinitySo, slowly, with great purpose and trembling determinationI lift weary feet slowly from the dark earth that imprisons meRaise my green-leaved arms in silent praises to the vast blue skyAnd take my first awkward anxious step toward the distant westToward the coastToward infinityToward her.

The comets and stars burn up and fade away, and the dust of their passing descends on distant worlds where life goes onward once again. The universe lies beyond and within, beating like a heart and pulsing silently like a brain that spans all time and space for eternity and infinity, striving for change as all possibilities become realities in the depths of its limitless mind. A tenuous strand of sentience stretches out defiantly through this vast void of space, holding back chaos as a spider’s web would hold back an avalanche. Despite the threat of annihilation looming menacingly forever over the horizon, life perpetuates. It always finds a way.

Lightning cracked like a whip over the harsh land, revealing all in a fierce white flash where the gods held their gaze. Disparities between heaven and earth were settled by the

snap and spark of the otherworldly power that leveled all else before it with a fleeting moment of truth to dignify its passing. For in that singular moment, a truth was revealed on the rocky shore of ice.

Where the winds carried hail and the darkness carried naught but despair, a white figure clung to life atop a wave tossed plank. Down below, beside the shore, the man wrapped tight in animal skins bit back the cold through chattering teeth. His numb blue hands clasped the wood, dead with cold but clinging, always clinging, to the promise of life and the hope of a new tomorrow. Yet for the lost, forsaken man, tomorrow was never a true guarantee in the unforgiving place.

Pushing back the darkness, the man turned his eyes to the frightening sky and bellowed aloud for all to hear, “By the gods! What have

I done to deserve such a fate?” Not a soul existed to hear the urgent plea.

Coughing away the choke of sea spray as the waves rose higher, the man set his heavy bearded jaw in a grim line to brace himself as an impenetrable wall of ice materialized from behind the screen of hail. As the dark curve of water threw him sailing into the air, the inevitability of death loomed all too real before him. With the ice, all was brightness; then all was dark as his tiny raft slammed against the towering cliff. The body of the forgotten man slipped lifelessly into the sea.

As the echo of fates entwined reverberated through the ice, twin ice-blue eyes flashed open in the deep darkness of a cavern within. As the awoken eyes narrowed, their piercing sight saw all there was to see. The answer was all too clear. Very soon now, everything would change.

[Creative Arts?]


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the Alps 42- Pertaining to sound

43- Third in a series 44- Handhold 45- Mineral spring 48- Pass away, perish 49- Atlantic food fish 50- Spider web 52- Founder of Detroit 57- Sheltered, nautically 58- Black, in poetry 60- Sweatbox 61- Boy or man 62- Flows 63- All, musically 64- Type of school or cook 65- Writing fluid 66- Faculty head

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Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission. Answers on Campus Directory page.

Le Byrd de Beaulieu By Lewis Grey [email protected]

Knowing That You Know Nothing By The Zilla Life and Times By Matt Byrd

Submit Your Own ComicsSend them to editor Matt Byrd: [email protected] more comics online at www.lbunion.com


[Comics Answers]

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JEEPERS PENISESVOLUME 59 ISSUE 1

Aren’t I just the cutest? Come on, admit it, I am. I know, I know, you told your girlfriend/daughter/grandma/geranium that they were the cutest, but trust me: cut out my photo and take it to them, and tell them that they’ve lost their crown. One look at my puppy dog eyes and they won’t even remember you ever told them such lies. If that doesn’t do it, gently draw their attention to my stylish but practical straw hat, custom made for my tiny little head. Look how it rests on my wrinkly lit-tle brow. Booshybooshybooshyboo, I know.

The photo barely does me justice, too. It doesn’t capture the magic of that time I fell asleep swaddled in a baby blanket, with just the top of my head poking out, or that time I burrowed into the torn-up wrapping paper on Christmas morning. Keep

your eyes out, though, I’m planning on releasing these and a few other select moments on a best of DVD this winter.

Now you, too, can relive such classic moments as: the time I knocked the trash over and stood next to it looking ashamed; the time I frolicked in the new-fallen leaves; the time you had all those people over and I hid under the glass coffee table, kind of scared, kind of bewildered, but 100% cute; and of course, who could forget that time I got peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth. Precious. So please make sure to support me, the most adorable dog in the world, so that I can continue to afford the finest knit sweaters, grandma glasses, and headbands that money can buy. My livelihood depends upon it.

Dear Lenny Crawford of 321 Wilcrest Brook,

Yesterday you and that spoiled lit-tle bully, Tommy Green, rudely threw your orange Nerf Frisbee Extreme into my front yard. With no warning I was suddenly accosted by this deadly weap-on and my poor dog Scooter was blud-geoned in his hindquarters. I wanted you to know that I will not be returning your spongy assault module to you.

Dear Cornelius Wright of 22 Cedar Lane,

Last Friday you entered my front yard without my permission to pick one of my prized Visalia blossoms for your little whore girlfriend. While my reac-tion may have been a tad bit ruthless, when I chased you off with my new set of Dexter Russell knives that I bought recently at the Marshall’s, you fool-ishly dropped your red Yankees cap. I

wanted to let you know that you will not be getting it back until you plant me four new Visalia bushes and rake my lawn whose seeds were savagely raped by your thoughtless and obscene little twig legs.

Dear Freddy Sanchez of 674C W. Day-goe,

While it may be acceptable for you people to not work all day and live off my tax money, I had to earn my retire-ment dollars by working a lifetime of painful 8-hour shifts at the DMV and weekends at Claire’s Diner. When the country needed me I even volunteered my services as a welder during the war. Yet you seem to think that using my hose to cool off your already wet back this summer is alright! Well, I will have you know that I will be sending you my water bill for the last three months, you dirty little savage. I will be expect-ing payment in U.S. dollars in no more than three weeks.

Dear Jason Yokimoto of 78 Laguna St.

I have seen you eyeing my little gentleman Scooter, and I will be con-tacting the local authorities for a re-straining order if this behavior con-tinues. I know that your parents own Wok this Way over on Glenville Road.

I promise you, if anything happens to Scooter you and those parents of yours will pay dearly.

P.S. �ell your older brother to put the muf-fler back on that abortion of a vehicle he has been racing down my alley.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. White,

It seems to be a local joke that I am some sort of a witch, and while I find that both offensive and disrespectful, I found your son’s impudence the most distasteful of all. Last Wednesday he thought it funny to sneak under my house and see how long he could stay there with his beady little eyes closed while his friends counted from my fence. If it were not for the brilliance of my darling Scooter I may not have dis-covered the intrusion, however his wise barks led me straight to your disgust-ing meddling midget. While at the time I did not intend that the broomstick to the head would kill the trespasser, I know that it was indeed the just out-come. This letter is to inform you that he now holds the longest record time for holding his breath under my house and, to date, no one has him beat.

Begrudgingly,Margaret McCardle

This Is Mine Now! I Keep This!GRUNION OpINION/COmmeNtaRy/edItORIalBy Margaret “Sweet Pea” McCardle

Automatically Written By Staff@hotmail

Heaven is a very nice place. Everything sparkles. I also like other things about heav-en. I like all of the posters with footprints and kitties. I like the angels. Jesus is a very nice man. His beard is itchy when he gives me kisses.

Mommy came to heaven. And Mommy said that my make-up wasn’t pretty like it used to be. I told Mommy that the angels helped me do it. She said it maked me look like a horse. I showed her my unicorn, Glit-tershine. She maked me shoot it. We have lots of glue now.

Mommy says that pageant season is com-ing. Mommy is making me a dress that will hide my tummy. Mommy put’d the vaseline on my teeth. I’m afraid to stop smiling now.

Mommy watches Daddy. Daddy has an itchy peeper. Mommy says that a spooky man is coming home. He has lots of flashy people around him.

When pageant season comes, Mommy says I’ll have to stop eating. I telled her that I already stopped eating. Mommy made a red face and told a swear. The angel asked her to leave the church.

Mommy sleeps a lot. When she wakes up she always has angry eyebrows. Jesus gave her an itchy kiss. Mommy gave him angry eyebrows.

Mommy found my second unicorn, Prin-cess Majesty. I don’t know where Mommy got that hammer from. Princess Majesty made a funny sound and then fell down. Princess Majesty is always so funny. Silly.

I didn’t do nicely in the pageant. The little girl from the scary TV movie winned over me. Mommy dranked up all the high cabinet drinks.

I wish Mommy never came. I love Mom-my. I wish the pageants were over and my unicorns would wake up.

GRUNION GUeSt COlUmNIStJONBeNet raMSey

PaWs to refLect: This dog loves to plant posies and melt hearts.

By Uncle FeebGRUNION WHI�� HOUS� CON��C�

Normally, I don’t watch much television, but I must admit that I’ve always been something of a Survivor fan. Never much cared for the queer fella, but I’d always make it a point to sit down and catch the new episode.

Well, I will say that I am more excited about this new season co-min’ up than any of ‘em before it. The folks at CBS have announced that for this season, they will be splittin’ up the cast members ac-cording to race. I know what you’re thinking: ‘isn’t that a sketch from Mind of Mencia?’ Well the answer to that is yes, but now they’re gonna do it on Survivor. My reaction to the split? I’ve got five words for ya’: just how God intended it.

Ever since integration, there has been nothin’ but trouble. Too long has television pushed its hippie views of “integration” and “tolerance.” I say it’s time for a little Alabama segregation. Never hurt nobody.

The show will be adopting a policy of “separate but equal,” and if that was good enough for my daddy, then it’s good enough for me. On the Survivor show, the contestants will get the same. They oughta’ do somethin’ to even things out. For example, the skinny, slow, toothless, inbred white boys don’t stand a chance against those black fellas in the challenges, except for swimming, so just give the black folks three fifths of a vote and that’ll be that.

You see, CBS is finally givin’ us what we want: more reasons to hate each other. I say good. I say take it one step further. Make the Mexicans sneak onto the island at the beginning of the show, and send the Orientals away to “Internment Island.” It would only be until the contest is over, and we can be sure that they won’t sabotage anythin’. It’s really for their own good. Now just keep a close eye on them war-startin’ Jews. I’m with Mel on this one.

My only problem is the location. The Cook Islands is in the Pacific. Now why not have Survivor in mainland America for a change? Why not Birmingham? Or maybe Montgomery, Alabama? There’s plenty of people who could use the work, and I’m sure they’d find a lot a’ support for the show’s new direction.

We Want You to recycle shitty clip art for inane house ads

Aren’t I Just The Cutest?By adOraBle dOg

A Survivor Race War

ford touGh: Separated at birth? Seriously, Feebs and Gerald Ford look eerily similar. That cant’ be healthy.

ANOTHER PAGE OF PEEPERSVOLUME 59 ISSUE 1

By The Sophisticated Grizzly BearGRUNION �R�IN��R�IN��

The small community of La Mierda was shocked by the suicide of one its youngest residents last Tuesday. After years of tor-ment and ripped Magic cards, Barry Din-gle took his own life during his chemistry class at Jefferson Smith Middle School (GO RANGERS!).

On the Monday prior, Dingle was attend-ing a mandatory SAT 9 Test where students’ skills are tested in the subjects of math, Eng-lish, science, and countless other topics to keep kids from doing class work. According to the hell-bound child’s blog, his decision to kill himself was finalized after his name was called to come up and receive his test that day. prompting all the students in attend-ance to laugh and repeat the teacher’s words “Dingle, Barry! Dingle, Barry!”

Dingle finally cracked in the middle of a lab assignment the following day, pulling open his coat and revealing a row of dyna-mite strapped under his excessively large-pubescent-girlish-breasts. Students were ini-tially stunned by the size of his nipples and patchy chest hair, later referred to as “ground beef.” few lucky football players ran over to him after having noticed Dingle lighting a fuse and gracefully guided him towards the closest window, where the boy’s own clum-siness was said to have made him fall out, exploding on impact.

Students were later stoked to find out that the next day of school was to be taken off in memory of Dingle, and so the janitors had enough time to scrape the burnt flesh off of the concrete walkway. Ex-NFL player turned Janitor Jimmy “The Brick” Hurrowitz was quoted as saying, “We really weren’t able to get around to the clean-up until monday, so all the stray cats had pretty much gotten the most of him by then.”

He was soon forgotten when the news broke that Brad “The Chad” was cheating on Heather McGinty.

Unpopular Teen Explodes Out Of Classmates’ Memories

By The Nothing GRUNION D�CK WHOR�

After record highs, countless power outages, freak sandstorms and 793 deaths due to heat exhaustion, Iranian president Kanyasparadi-

mejed has had enough. In an attempt to quell his na-tion’s “dark earth fever” as he calls it, he has initiated plans to expand his uranium enrichment program.

“We will be building two more facilities for the program,” the President exclaimed at a press telecon-ference Saturday, “including one that will be shaped like that large KoolAid drink man. It will make the new orphan children happy once again.”

When asked about the meaning of the second lo-cations design, which resembles the Statue of Liberty getting raped by an Iranian missile, the President res-ponded by reading notes on the palm of his hand and saying any similarity was “purely coincidental” and “not at all an intentional affront to the United States, or women in general.”

Met by international opposition, Kanyasparadi-mejed remains resolved on the issue explaining, “I see nothing wrong with our enrichment program. A pea-ceful nuclear energy source is exactly what this nation needs. That, and a few big missiles.”

The United Nations continues its demand for ne-gotiations with Iran, with North Korea maintaining that “K-Jed’s intentions are not what they seem, and even if they are…that is fucking stupid!”

Despite the lack of cooperation from the Iranian president, he did provide the U.N. with a diagram (right) to shed some understanding on how “Operati-on Makeahdehsungobuhbai,” will work.

Iran remains under close watch, as international leaders feel certain points of the president’s plan re-main unclear. Another conference is scheduled to be held next Thursday.

Iran To Beat Summer Heat With Nuclear Winter

By The Cap’n of Serious TownGRUNION J�W

Analysts at the University of Munich, Germany stated in a press release Friday, that they have discovered some frighte-ning news about pornography addiction thresholds through their recent study on internet trends. “It is common fact that das intarweb is use mainly for porno, like anal porno, girl-girl porno, animal-girl porno, and even girl-girl-animal-transvesti-te-midget porno,” explained lead analyst Adrian Meufmonch. “It has now been nearly 50 das years since text-picture pornos were showing on US Military DARPA net, and we estimate that a serious addict could have spent a cumulative 27.5 years doing just masturbate to das pornos!”

After running a sophisticated set of cross-referential statis-tical analysis on numbers generated from their internet resear-ch, previous addiction research, and a set of Girls-Gone-Wild DVDs Meufmanch has estimated that too much porno is pro-bably somewhere around 260,000 viewing hours, just under 30 years.

“Das effectives of a porno overload could be catastrophic to a person and their surrounding culture-group,” stated Meufmon-ch. “After conferring with psychiatric experts we have concluded that most likely porno-overload would mainly consist of a de-mentia where the person would not know porno from reality.”

When asked to comment on these frightening effects, Dick Long, a media-relations manager at Vivid Video in California stated, “That would make a great porno.”

Breast Laid PLans: Unpopular teen, Barry Dingle goes down in a glory less blaze of gory.

excLusive: Kid Tries Acid, Trips Balls

dia-rama: This page was almost full color until this shitty diagram came along and fucked it all up.

Too HotFor Print Journalism!

With a PeePer in Your mouf: This girl loves Cock-a-lick Dick Nookie-Dil-Dough Ice Cream. It’s her favorite.

GRUNION

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Available At Under $20,000See Your Local Dealership For Details

How Much Porno Is Too Much?

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GRUNION.LBUNION.COMVOLUME 59 ISSUE 1

WITH A SATIRICAL DICK IN YOUR MOUF

¡Chupacabra Attacks!

Meximonster takes its first victim.

hideous, hunGrY and Loose: Goat sucking monster moves into the human scalping industry.

Castro Changes MySpaceDefault PicTom reportedly concerned for his health.

Annual Three Month Global Warming Grips the Nation, WorldBy Father McKenzieGRUNION DOOKI� DICK

ARIZONA - The ranks of global warming activists around the world are fattening like an American waist as the country heats up. These nouveau advocates, led by former gar-bage man Brandon Peterson, cite the recent heat wave as incontrovertible evidence that the world is imperiled. “You know, I never believed all that global warming bullshit be-fore this,” said Peterson in a recent interview. “I mean, it all sounded kinda science fiction-y, didn’t it? Green gases coming to focus the sun at us like a magnifying glass, melting the North Pole and frying the whole planet up. It sounded like some ludicrous liberal pro-paganda, and I didn’t want to devote any of my precious mental capacities to it. Until last May, you see, when I noticed some absurdi-ties with the weather.

“I was hauling trash out of the truck, when I realized I was perspiring most precipitously, even though we’d only been working for ten minutes. I turned to my partner and said, ‘Jeff, is it just me or is it getting hotter?’ We reasoned it was a hot day; but the next day it just kept getting hotter, on and on for the last three months. I mean, I’m no Al Gore, but there’s no denying we’re in the midst of some serious, horrible global warming at this juncture. For some reason though, even though we’re most clearly at the peak of this impending crisis, we haven’t been able to get the scientists to do jack shit about our predicament.”

Leading Environmental Scientist Warren Thompson had this to say: “I think that Mr. Peterson and his associates are experiencing what those of us who made it out of second grade generally refer to as ‘Summer.’ It’s one of the four ‘seasons’ that make up our ‘year,’ and, typically, it’s the hottest time for the country. I would expect that these ‘people’ will probably lose interest in their newfound crusade around mid-September.

“Still, it is nice to finally have the support that we’ve been looking for; it’s hard some-times not to let the end justify the means.

“And sometimes, frankly, it does; you wouldn’t believe the check Trump sent us after his toupee glue started melting. The important thing is to not panic just yet; as severe as this heat wave has been, it is most likely not an indication that we’re all about

to die. We probably have another twenty or thirty years minimum before the green gases shoot down from the laser beam in the sun to cook us up like gingerbread men in an oven. But that’s being conservative: it’s prob-ably more like sixty or seventy years.”

Bush To Hold Breath Until Iran Disarms

disclaimer: Nothing on this page is serious. It’s satire. If you don’t understand this, then I suggest you fall on a knife. We’re not affiliated with anyone and as such, we don’t represent anyone’s views, which is a shame. Specifically, we don’t represent CSULB, ASI, or anyone else without a sense of humor. Seriously though, you’re lucky to have something this cool on your campus and if you’re smart like we are, then you’ll join us. If not, then keep your invalid opinion to yourself. Or don’t. We’ve never run hate mail on this page as far as I know, but if your hatred is true then I’ll consider running some. Send it to [email protected] if you’ve got the notion to do so. This one’s for you, Morph.

Marauding Bear Just Needed To ‘Hug It Out’

Bear expresses regret regarding stolen picnic baskets and slain infants.

‘That Anne Frank Is A Lying Slut’

Gibson seriously can’t shut his stupid fucking mouth.

One childish act of defiance meets another as the President goes on a ‘breathing fast.’

Headlines

Baby Left On Vacationing Couple’s DoorstepBy Fancy Lash GRUNION G�N�L�M�N

LONG BEACH - Oliver and Olivia Joro-dowsky expected a lot of things upon re-turning home from a week’s vacation in Utah. Mail piled up at the edge of the door. Missed phone calls on the answering ma-chine. Perhaps even a carton of fetid milk in the refrigerator. “We looked forward to all of those things,” said 25-year-old Oliver. “But the last thing we expected to find was a dead baby on our doorstep.” But found a dead baby they did, and soon they did realize that there would be no un-finding of said baby from their porch-stoop

sitting area. “Luckily our neighbors hadn’t come over to water our plants like we’d asked,” said Olivia. “So the baby was pretty far gone when we found it. I don’t want to sound like a phan-tasmagorical hobgoblin or anything. It’s just that Oliver and I aren’t ready for a child. Its dying on our porch-stoop sitting area is probably best for everyone.” “I’m just—I’m really disturbed by this,” said Oliver. “That porch-stoop sitting area was our sanctuary, and now it’s got dead baby taint all over it. Wait—I don’t think I said that properly. The baby’s tainted our porch-stoop sitting area with its deadness. Yeah, that’s much better.” The remains of the child were donated to a

local high school biology class for dissection purposes and general sexual education. The basket that the dead infant was discovered in was kept by the couple in the hopes of using it for a picnic someday.

THE TRUTH ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING

A WARMING OF GLOBAL PROPORTIONS: What your government isn’t telling you about the mounting holocaust of hellfire.

BasKet fuLL of Love: Offensive baby dies on a porch.

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