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effective ways to really annoy your customers TOP 10

Top ten ways to really annoy your customers

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effective ways to really annoy your customers

TOP

10

Here are ten tried and tested communication techniques to really annoy your customers…

We would like to take this opportunity to offer our sincere apology for any inconvenience caused by the actions of our driver…

Be insincere

“1It’s always good to use clichés to

maximise insincerity.

Top Tips!

We have been trying to contact you by telephone to let you know that your energy direct debit was returned by your bank.

We need to remind you that the fixed price tariff requires all payments to be made by direct debit, so it's important for us to re-establish this payment method without delay to avoid penalties on your account.

Sound like their mum

“2

I have conducted your Direct Debit review based on your last statement and the following option are available to yourself:

Leave the debit balance of £459.23 on your account and an increase in your monthly Direct Debit to £230.08. We will require, however, that you make one off payments anytime you can so the debit balance can be paid off as soon as possible…

Yap, yap, yap

“3Why think about writing a short email

when you can write a long one?

Top Tips!

Until sufficient proof of the No Claims Discount has been received and processed the policy may not be fully validated which may affect any future claims on the policy.

The Passive Pass

“4The ‘passive voice’ makes it sound like

something just happened without anyone being involved. Great for blame-dodging

and hiding unpleasant things.

Top Tips!

In line with changes in consumer tastes, we have long been committed to reducing added salt in recipes to meet voluntary targets with support from consumer health campaigners and other stakeholders.

Use lots of Corpspeak

“5Why sound like a human being when you

can sound like a corporate spokesbot?

Top Tips!

I have added a 5 day extension for you. Your proof is now urgently required by 00/00/2014. If the document is not received your discount will be reduced or your policy will be cancelled.

Until this issue is fully resolved your policy may not fully validated which may affect any future claims. In addition to any premium quoted we reserve the right to charge an administration fee…

Bury the bad news

“6 Put the bad news at the bottom.

Top Tips!

“Thank you for contacting us with regard to Acme Sauce.

This very minor change to our famous recipe was made in November last year, and rigorous consumer tests confirmed there was no significant difference in flavour between the old and new recipes. Acme Sauce still tastes great!”

Ignore the question

“7 Don’t answer the question the customer

asked - it only encourages them.

Top Tips!

We confirm that your premium (or the balance of your premium if you have paid a deposit) has been applied retrospectively to your Budget Account, and as a result your payments will be £51.91 per month over 11 months unless varied.

Don’t make it easy

“8

Please note, for security purposes, we will not be able to discuss this entitlement with you until these documents have been processed and we have validated your identity against our records.

9. Sound inflexible

“9

If you are, or act on behalf of, the above, it is important that you make contact with us in writing within 28 days of the date of this letter providing two (2) proof of identity documents, one from each of the lists quoted on the attached Confirmation of Identity form

Sound like Robocop

“10

Fix it1. Audit your customer comms.

2. Score them objectively.

3. Find a customer-friendly tone of voice.

4. Help your staff sound human