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2016 Golden
Globes
The year of the ribcage
and the very-deep-V.
Jaimie Alexander I do like this - the dress is
unusual and dramatic, it works
with her colouring, and IT HAS
POCKETS.
But I do think there’s way too
much décolletage going on. The
slashed-to-the-waist thing is
just so tacky.
Jennifer Lawrence I just don’t even know what’s going
on here, let alone why anyone
would choose this when she
presumably has her pick of pretty
dresses. This is the first of several
frocks at this event that
prominently display the ribcage.
Also, I just have to add: she’s
only 25, and she already
looks like Ellen Barkin. I’d
like JLaw to dress younger.
Amber Heard Amber Heard really bugs me
because of her personality,
but I can’t deny that the
outside of her always looks
immaculate.
She’s the exact opposite of
Johnny Depp to look at.
Jane Fonda She looks like she’s been
swallowed by an oyster.
I can’t help
thinking this
would have
been lovely just
as a classic
ivory dress, à la
Angelina Jolie in
L’Wren Scott.
Eva Longoria I like this. If I sound
defensive, it’s because
nobody else seems to like
this. It has flowers, and little
sleeves. It ticks all the boxes!
I wish I was wearing it
right now!
Rachel McAdams After scrolling through a
string of very ugly dresses,
my face lit up when I
glimpsed this one. I love a
good wallpaper-print dress.
Georgina Chapman Is it too early in awards
season to predict that
Marchesa might be finally
finding it’s niche? This floaty
frock looks extremely pretty
up close.
Sarah Hay I don’t know who Sarah Hay
is, but my inner princess really
loves this ethereal Marchesa.
It has birds on it!
Apparently a lot of
commentators thought this
looked awful, but I’m sticking
with my first impression (that
she looks like Hans Christian
Anderson’s Little Mermaid
emerging from a blue mist).
Jennifer Lopez I actually love this frock, and
Jlo looked uncharacteristically
chic and understated in it. No
severe updo, no hoop earrings,
no need for double-sided tape.
But this is the only picture I
could find where she wasn’t
sticking her leg out. When will
people stop doing that?
Amy Schumer Big starchy ballgowns
aren’t usually my thing,
but this actually looked
okay in photos, especially
with the strappy shoes
and soft hair.
It didn’t look as good
when she moved around
in it.
Sophia Bush This looks like shapewear.
There’s nothing interesting
about it whatsoever.
Olivia Palermo Olivia Palermo is one of
those people who always
looks better than me, but
may be a sycophantic social
climber in real life. I’m
basing this on things I’ve
read on the internet.
I like the shape of this dress,
but the pattern on the
bodice looks like an
anatomical illustration.
Kate Bosworth I usually make an allowance for
one super-sparkly dress per
event, and this one makes the
grade. The rose colour is just
very pretty, and it fits and
drapes beautifully.
Boys need to stop wearing suits
with racing stripes though.
Gina Rodriguez While I do love navy on the
red carpet, and I can’t find
anything technically wrong
with this, it’s just a fairly
ordinary formal gown, isn’t it?
Like something one might
choose for a debutante ball?
Am I being unfair?
Brie Larson See? Everybody is
accessorising with their
ribcage this year.
Jenna Dewan Tatum
This is quite stunning, but
again, too low cut. I’m just
not convinced that triangle of
flesh below the bust and
above the abdomen is
attractive enough to be
highlighted with a
very-deep-V.
Kiki Dunst Well this isn’t even a triangle
of flesh, it’s a rectangle.
I like the concept of black
velvet, but the square shoulder
straps and the string across
the top make Kirsten look
neckless. I just don’t like it.
Emilia Clarke I hate everything about this.
MAYBE if she chose either the
cape OR the…(bib? Dickey?
Tuxedo front?) But definitely
not both, and definitely not
with that severe demi-beehive.
She looks like she should be
playing the pipe organ in some
gothic cathedral.
Amanda Peet Amanda Peet is actually really
pretty, and she has nice hair. I
can’t understand why she
can’t get it together on the red
carpet.
Cate Blanchett Sadly, there’s nothing about
Cate’s look I like. The
asymmetrical bob, the weird
shape on the front which
looks like a diagram of her
internal organs, the icy pink
colour and the drapey fringey
bits…how many unicorns had
to die to make this?
Rooney Mara Just once I’d like to see Rooney
Mara wearing yellow or orange
or bright pink and SMILING.
This looks like it feel apart in the
washing machine.
Saffron Burrows Saffron Burrows was there!
The dress is nothing special,
but she looks amazing in it.
Viola Davis Marchesa really knocked it out
of the park this year. Viola
Davis looks like the sky.
I love it.
Taraji P Henson In all her pictures, Taraji
was either sticking her
chest out and arching her
brows or holding her train
up in the air or otherwise
doing something weird.
Laverne Cox That’s how you pose in a
white dress.
Julianne Moore The tangled strappy neckline
really messes up what could
have been a flawless look.
Zendaya Does she have a last name?
The fabric is actually lovely,
but I loathe this style of skirt.
It always makes me think of a
toilet brush. With a standard
full skirt it would have been
stunning.
Alicia Vikander This is a low-res pic, but I
wanted you to see the back,
because it really makes the
dress.
It’s Louis Vuitton, and I think
it’s pretty. Alicia Vikander
always looks European and
effortless and childlike.
Olivia Wilde Meh. The colour is undeniably
great, but it looks like
something Jennifer Aniston
might have worn in the
1990’s. And her hair looks
drab. I don’t know. She’s
looked better.
Jason Sudeikis …and it’s a big fat no from me
on the shoes.
Katy Perry Ugh. I don’t even know where
to start. This looks homemade.
Why is she even at this event?
Edit: I watched a very awkward
exchange with Jennifer
Lawrence and Katy Perry on the
red carpet, in which Katy was
childish and ridiculous and Jlaw
sounded like a concerned
parent in comparison.
Kate Hudson NOPE.
Lady Gaga I find it hard to be
objective about Lady Gaga
because I don’t like her.
Heidi Klum Ostrich feathers almost always
say “mutton dressed as lamb,”
unless they’re on actual
ostriches.
Heidi just really needs a new
stylist.
P.S. It’s Marchesa. I really
thought they’d left the ugly
stuff behind.
Bryce Dallas Howard
I think there’s too much going
on here or something. Bryce
has a really beautiful face and
it’s just swamped by all these
sequins.
Joanne Froggatt This has potential. The
periwinkle shade is really
pretty, and the skirt is great.
And you wouldn’t want the
neckline to be TOO
conservative, or she’d look
dowdy. But this looks like it’s
already slipped south a couple
of inches, and the bodice is
held together with illusion
netting, which looks weird up
close.
Melissa Benoist I don’t know who Melissa
Benoist is either, but this also
has tiny birds on it, and it’s
one of my favourites.
I wish more celebs understood
that you don’t have to go big
to be memorable.
America Ferrera I always love yellow, but I also
always hate formal
turtlenecks. I don’t dislike this,
but I wish the neckline was
different.
Eva Green This is just very drab for the
otherwise dramatic-looking
Eva Green. Maybe I’m being
too harsh. But imagine if it
was in a jewel tone, like jade
green or sapphire blue.
Maura Tierney LIPSTICK.
Emmy Rossum Emmy Rossum always looks
awesome, even when she’s just
walking down the street being
Emmy Rossum. Her name even
practically rhymes with
“awesome.”
Felicity Huffman I hope the black hair is for a
role, because it completely
swamps her features. The
dress is pretty average, too.
Louise Roe Louise, who I think is a British
TV presenter or something,
looks like she’s experiencing
abdominal cramps. Her dress
is awful, and WHY IS
EVERYBODY FLAUNTING
THEIR RIBCAGE?
Rosie Huntington-Whitely
She looks as stunning as you’d
expect, but there’s nothing
interesting about the dress.
Maybe that’s the point. Maybe
she asks Jason Statham what
she should wear and he says,
“Something low-cut.
In a nude colour.”
Kate Winslet Kate is officially stuck in a rut.
She almost always wears these
figure-hugging frocks with an
almost sporty look. In fact
she’s worn dresses similar to
this one on several occasions.
See?
Malin Akerman For reasons I don’t fully
understand, I don’t like Malin
Akerman. I also don’t like frilly
peplums, but that might just be
because Malin Akerman is
wearing one.
Leslie Mann On the other hand, I almost
always like Leslie Mann, even
though I’ve never really seen
her in anything. She just
usually looks happy and
normal on the red carpet. So
I’m giving this a thumbs up
even though I’m not sure
about the bodice.
Caitriona Balfe I love Caitriona’s colouring, and
she’s incredibly striking, but
this frock doesn’t do her justice.
It looks almost matronly, in a
funereal sort of way.
Portia Doubleday I have no idea who “Portia
Doubleday” is. Her name
sounds fictitious.
Her gown is objectively fine,
but I don’t find myself liking
it. Is it because it literally
looks like a disco ball?
Lily Tomlin I don’t know why, but I really
like this. The violet colour is
gorgeous, it has pockets, and
the slightly a-line sheath is
surprisingly flattering. It just
looks comfortable and
effortless and like you
wouldn’t have to wear Spanx
with it.
Zoe Kazan & Paul Dano
I always like these two crazy
kids. I think Zoe’s frock would
look better on someone with
dark hair, but she gets points
for wearing something pretty
and off-beat, and not going
for the whole fake tan and
hair extensions thing.
Natalie Dormer I have to say, I laughed out
loud when I saw this. Natalie
looks like a chipmunk who
just woke up after hibernating
through the winter.
As for the dress, I just can’t
get past that little y-shaped
attachment holding it up.
Jessica & David Oyelowo
Interesting fact: these two
have four kids together.
Jessica is naturally dark
blonde, and I think she looks
better as a blonde, but there’s
no denying she looks amazing
here. He looks cute too.
Lily James
I really want to like Lily James,
because she’s in War and
Peace, which I plan to watch
as soon as I finish reading War
and Peace, which will be very
soon, I swear. But I just don’t
like these twisty asymmetrical
necklines. They confuse and
distress me.
Taylor Schilling
This literally looks like it was
borrowed from Liza
Minnelli’s wardrobe. I mean I
think I’ve actually seen Liza
Minella wearing it.
Angela Bassett
Is it just me, or is Angela
Bassett completely
unrecognisable?
I don’t like this apricot colour
on anyone, really. But it’s fine.
Barbara Meier
I have no idea who Barbara
Meier is, and in fact I had no
idea people were still naming
their children “Barbara.”
This should be gorgeous and
Cinderella-ish, but somehow
it just looks cheap.
Jada Pinkett-Smith
I don’t particularly like the
colour, or the fabric, and the
dress itself is obviously
having an identity crisis.
Sleeves? A cape? A v-neck? A
cowl-neck? It just looks like a
green parachute landed on
her and she wore it to an
event.
Ana de la Reguera I don’t know who this chick
is, and I wish she wasn’t
making a kissy face, but I do
love this look. The dark hair
and lipstick looks really
dramatic with the violet dress.
Maybe I’m just really into this
violet colour right now.
Jennifer JasonLeigh
Ugh. If only this was a size
larger.
Melissa McCarthy She was doing so well! And
then this happened.
It looks like one of those foil
blankets paramedics wrap
around people with
hypothermia.
Maggie Gyllenhaal
While I don’t love the busy
pattern, it has enough of a
1920’s vibe that I could get
on board with it…after
cutting off the ugly rosettes
on her left shoulder.
Carly Steel This is one of those frocks that
land in the zone between
“eww” and “wow.” There’s
nothing wrong with it, it fits
beautifully, it’s nice colour, but
I just don’t feel that way
about it.
Saoirse Ronan Again, this should probably be really
lovely, but I’ve looked at it a few times
now, and I’m just not into it. Am I being
unreasonable?
Is white just not her colour? Is it
because her hair is pulled back?
Giuliana Rancic Ugh, more ribs, and Giuliana is
so painfully thin that you can
count each one. The dress is
awful, but as in years past, I
just can’t get past the signs of
her extreme weight loss.
Amy Adams There were a few orange and
apricot colours on the red
carpet this year. I love orange,
but I think this frock is just
okay on Amy Adams. A more
burnt orange might have been
more flattering and more
interesting.
Natalie Morales I don’t like this at all, but there
were also a lot of berry shades
around this year – blue,
periwinkle, violet and plum. I
know periwinkles, violets and
plums are not berries, but you
know what I mean.
I like these colours.
Luciana Damon Luciana is one of those people
who always looks fine, but
doesn’t stand out. She always
opts for something you could
probably find at your local
department store. But I respect
her for not seeking the
limelight, and for keeping her
ribs and her breastbone under
wraps.
Jane Wu This doesn’t wow me either.
The lower half is pretty, but
from the hips upwards it looks
like armour.
Corinne Foxx I love this, despite the deep-V.
It’s also Marchesa, and also has
birds. It looks very demure,
although I did discover on
closer inspection that it’s
completely see-through up top,
except for a few strategically-
placed sequins. Which makes it
weird that Corinne attended
with her dad.
Sibi Bale Sibi is another one of those
spouses who always dresses
respectably and doesn’t grab
the limelight. I can’t work out
what’s happing with this dress,
but I think it would look better
without the gold blobs.
Maril Davis I don’t know who Maril Davis
is, or why she wore her
Halloween costume to the
Globes.
Helen Mirren See, this is just absolutely
flawless. It’s understated,
chic, and fits beautifully. It’s
not going to win any awards,
but sometimes looking lovely
is enough.
Patricia Arquette And this is what happens if
you take Helen Mirren’s chic
black dress, squeeze it onto
someone a size larger than
Helen Mirren, and glue a
giant white bow on the front.
It’s a disaster.
Queen Latifah The colour, which I can’t help
calling “toothpaste,” looks
amazing and almost luminous
on Latifah. I actually think I’d
like it better without the
sequinned part, and just a
chunky turquoise necklace or
something instead.
Michaela Watkins Well, her hair looks lovely.
That is all.
Calista Flockhart The teal is very striking, but
the fabric is squashy, and
from a distance the
sequinned pattern on the
bodice looks muddy and
indistinct. I’ll give a pass
though, because I think this
probably looks very pretty in
real life.
Jane Fallon I have no problem with the
dress, and I hesitate to judge
spouses too harshly, because
they’re not really fair game -
but what is going on with Mrs
Gervais’ hair and makeup?
She looks frightening. She’s
wearing A LOT of bronzer,
and her platinum blonde
streaks look grey.
Judith Light I like a good lady-tux, but I
don’t like this one. Maybe if it
was buttoned up, with a
camisole instead of a shirt,
and properly tailored trouser-
cuffs.
Ken & Tran Jeong Oh these two just look so cute.
Charles Randolph, Mili Avital
I immediately liked this dress,
and then asked myself why,
because it’s actually not very
exciting. I realised I’d seen
Mili Avital in something and
thought she was really
beautiful, so maybe if she
showed up in a paper bag I’d
like it.
Mark Ruffalo & Sunrise Coigney Sunrise Coigney is French. She
seems smart and interesting,
and she and her husband
appear to genuinely like each
other, so I have no quarrel with
whatever she chooses to wear.
The after-
parties
My advice would be to
avert your eyes now.
Taraji P Henson It’s a size too small, and I’d
find a train really irritating
at a crowded party, but it’s
quite pretty I guess.
JLo Jennifer Lopez isn’t good at
facial expressions. But her
dress is nice.
Selena Gomez This is actually really genuinely
pretty. I’m surprised and
pleased that Selena didn’t show
up in a ribcage-baring black
leather mini dress accompanied
by a similarly-dress girl squad.
Michelle Monaghan
Shiny yellow satin always looks
a bit cheap to me, like Ronald
McDonald’s clown-suit. A
matte crepe would probably
make all the difference.
Kelly Rohrbach Let the trashiness commence.
Zoe Kravitz It’s like sheer tasselled curtains
from the 70’s. Unbelievably
drab. And of course I can see
her underwear, etc.
Lea Michele I’m just so over sheer panels
and illusion netting. Is this
supposed to look like it’s staying
up by itself? Because it doesn’t.
It looks like beige illusion
netting. And just because you
have a tattoo on your ribcage
doesn’t mean you have to
design your clothing around it.
A Kardashian I have no comment.
Another one. There was a picture of Kylie
making a kissy-face next to
her sister at this party, except
that Kylie couldn’t physically
move her lips into the correct
position. I’m not even going to
comment on her clothing until
she can get her lips in order.
Gabrielle Union There’s too much of
everything going on here.
Candice Patton There is ABSOLUTELY NO
NEED TO DO THIS.
Kaley Cuoco I’ve been saving the phrase
“hot mess” for this exact
look.
Kate Hudson I know it’s the same dress,
but somehow it’s worse.
Bella Thorne Apparently, Bella Thorne used to be a child
star on the Disney channel, so I guess the
sheer panels and obvious lack of underwear
was a fait accompli.
Charli XCX I feel like we should contact
her parents.
Nina Dobrev Surprise! I thought it was
time for something nice.
This isn’t even totally sheer.
It’s FULLY LINED!
JLaw I might just have JLaw fatigue, I
don’t know. She somehow
looks like an older woman
dressing too young.
Amanda Crew This floaty style has been done
better by others, but it is very
pretty. I have no major
complaints, except for the
general impression of
nakedness people seem to be
aiming for.
Sarah Hyland This looks better from the
back. From the front it’s
pretty ordinary. But she
dumped an abusive boyfriend
last year,* so I’m cutting her
some slack.
*It was actually the year
before last. But still.
Krysten Ritter The thigh slit does go up
way too high at the side, and
I can confirm she too is
without underwear. But she
looks pretty great from the
front.
Jamie Chung There were a lot of black-and-
white frocks around on Globes
night, usually with too much
going on. I’d like to get rid of
the racing stripe down the side,
but I’d settle for ditching the
headband.
Jaime King Jaime King is currently
pretending to be a youth,
mainly by hanging out with
Taylor Swift and
Instagramming it. Which
makes this choice of frock
strange, because it really
ages her.
Naya Rivera Hideous dress aside, a human
chest is never supposed to look
like that.
Rumer Willis A human person is never
supposed to look like that.
Grace Gealy Okay, well this isn’t bad. If you
absolutely HAVE to do the
slashed-to-the-waist thing, this
is the most tasteful way to do it.
I still don’t think that leg needs
to be sticking out, though. I
mean, people don’t put their
arms over their heads to
demonstrate the features of
their sleeves.
Victoria Justice Is this literally made from
swimsuit material?
Katharine McPhee More ribcage windows.
Kat Graham More breastbone.
Whitney Port Well, I guess her ribcage is
mostly covered.
Seriously though, is this the
trashiest Golden Globes ever?
Melissa George I think this answers my last
question.
Bellamy Young Ribs, breastbone and thigh! It
sounds like something you
would order from a place
that makes fried chicken.
Jennifer Morrison
Jennifer Morrison is all
ready for bed. In the early
1900’s. On a prairie.
Dylan Penn
This looks like something
from the wardrobe of Cher
from ‘Clueless.’
Alyssa Milano This is awful.
Caitriona Balfe This is not awful!
Olivia Palermo I was going to say this would be
okay without the capelet, but
actually it would still be ill-
fitting and unflattering. Olivia
Palermo really dropped the ball
this time.
Kate Bosworth I’m not really into the cocktail-
dress-over-formal-pants thing.
If this was just a knee-length
dress it would be fine.
Olivia Culpo I’m not totally opposed to the
concept of a leather dress. I
just think this one says
“garbage bag.” Maybe if it
was in a different colour, like
oxblood or navy.
Nikki Reed There’s only so many ways to say
“meh.” It’s fine. I don’t love the
pattern, or the colours.
Edit: It’s actually a navy
blue mesh over beige lining
with silver and gold
appliqué and sequins.
Which confirms my
impression that there’s just
too much going on here.
Gillian Anderson This is Burberry. I think
Burberry could do better.
Vanessa Hudgens Surprisingly tasteful.
Chanel Iman Why do people need to put
windows in their dresses?
Was it a condition of
invitations to all these
events that you provide
visual access to as many
parts of the human body as
possible whilst still meeting
the legal definition of
“clothed?”
Ashley Madekwe I think I would be tempted to
try to fix this – it looks like her
tulle overskirt has just gotten
caught in something and
needs to be smoothed out. But
she still lands in the top 10% at
this party where virtually
everybody looked horrible.
Cara Santana It’s pants. At first I thought it
was a dress, and I was going to
say something about how it
would be passable if not for
the ubiquitous slash-to-the-
waist neckline. But then I
scrolled down and realised it
was pants. “Pants” here is also
an adjective meaning “the
absolute worst.” As in “this
outfit is pants.”
Taryn Manning This is what a migraine
looks like.
Odette Annable Sheer thigh-window aside,
this is one of the prettier
things on the red carpet at this
party. I can’t see her
underwear, or her ribs. Yay!
Molly Sims I know these aren’t totally
transparent, but I just don’t
want to see any more triangle
cut-outs on any dresses at all.
Additionally, the fabric is
horrible, and her makeup is
horrible. People just aren’t
even trying.
Emilia Clarke This Dolce & Gabbana is so
much nicer than her red
carpet frock, but I wish she
had done something different
with her hair, and she needs
more interesting shoes with
this. I’d recommend these red
velvet mary janes, also by
D&G.
Olivia Holt Yes. This is very nice. I must
be getting old, because my
first thought was “I would
be okay with my niece
wearing this to an event.” I
don’t think I’d literally let
her go to this event, though.
Phoebe Tonkin I don’t know who Phoebe
Tonkin is. My first
impression was that this
frock is quite sweet, and I
think I’ll stick with that,
although I’d probably
change the loose ruffle
around the middle into an
actual tailored waistband.
Elisabeth Rohm As a rule I’m not a fan of dresses with bits
of actual metal, and this literally looks like a
mosaic – like shards of broken mirror
surrounded by sand-coloured grout. But
again, it’s better than a lot of the other stuff
at this party.
Carrie Brownstein Carrie’s little frock is too
short for comfort. I can tell,
because in all the photos
she’s either holding her
clutch in front of her skirt or
leaning forward as if to
make it look longer than it is.
But add a couple of inches,
and it would be pretty cute.
Aisha Tyler You can’t really tell, but this
is made from angora or
something equally fluffy. It’s
nice, I like it, but maybe I
would have worn my hair
out with something so
minimalist?
Yara Shahidi I did some Googling, and
Yara Shahidi is 15 years old
and very cute. The fact that
she wore a suit to a
Hollywood party – with a
camisole instead of the usual
triangle of bare breastbone –
gives her a free pass, even
though I don’t love the print.
She can wear what she likes.
Jackie Cruz The dress is actually quite
nice; the hair and makeup is
horrible. Not knowing who
Jackie Cruz is, I assumed she
was in her late 40’s based on
this picture. She’s 29.
Holliday Grainger Holliday looked relatively cute
and normal. I like her lace-up
shoes.
Creepy Siblings Will & Nicola Peltz, looking
creepy. I don’t know who they
are, but I’m not interested,
because her dress has
windows which display her
ribs. And hipbones.
Remember the days when
dresses didn’t have cut-outs
and sheer panels?
The Best Just to end on a positive note, here are my favourites:
The Best
The Best
Recommended