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Kimberly Keith, MEd, LPCAcademic Partnerships for Public Child WelfareDepartment of Behavioral & Social SciencesSouthern Arkansas UniversityMagnolia, Arkansas
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7
Grief and Loss of Children in
Foster Care
Every child removed from home grieves that loss, no matter how superior the foster care placement may be. (Wallace, 2003)
Individual Exercise Handout
Before we start…
1. As we go through the developmental stages, think of a child you know in each age range who is showing these or other expressions of grief.
2. On the Individual Exercise Handout, list the behaviors the child is showing. (Don’t put the children’s names; just keep them in mind.)
3. As we go through the lesson on helping the grieving child in foster care, think of what might be done to support and encourage the child during separation, grief, and loss? List on the Individual Exercise Handout.
What We Know about the Grief of Children in Foster Care
The grief of children in foster care is different from a child who loses a parent to death.
The level and type of grieving in foster children depends on many factors.
Grief in foster children is complicated and proceeds in both linear and circular patterns.
The way grief is expressed and coped with depends on the child’s developmental level.
How to Help the Grieving Child in Foster Care
The salvation for foster children is in
learning to take the energy from their grief
and trauma and focus it on something positive,
like school, positive play, and relationships
with friends – anything that is positive
for that child.
(Anderson, 2000 in Wallace, 2003)
Infants and Toddlers
Crying loudly, mournful crying,
Withdrawal, apathy
Sleeping and eating problems (too much, too little)
Needing to be held
Separation anxiety
Regression
Irritability and temper tantrums
Rocking back and forth
Head banging
How Infants & Toddlers May Express Grief
Infants and Toddlers
Provide lots of physical contact and nurturing
Provide a consistent routine
Provide concrete rules and limits
Explain what has happened in very simple terms
Make time for play
Let the child have things from home (blanket, stuffed toy) to provide a sense of security
How to Help the Grieving Infant or Toddler
Preschoolers
Bedwetting
Thumb sucking
Clinging to foster parents
Exaggerated fears
Excessive crying
Temper tantrums
Regression
Stubbornness
How Preschoolers May Express Grief
Preschoolers
Answer the child’s question honestly; allow them to talk about the parent and how things were at home; help them share their fears and worries.
Provide simple routines
Give the child affection and nurturing; attempt to connect with them
Provide opportunities for play
Be patient with regressive behaviors such as thumb sucking
Keep them focused on their immediate environment and activities.
Let them know where you are going and when you will be back.
How to Help the Grieving Preschooler
Elementary-School Age
School and learning problems
Preoccupation with the loss of parents and related worries; trouble paying attention
Bedwetting
Eating and sleeping problems (overeating, refusing to eat, nightmares, sleepiness)
Daydreaming
Fighting, anger
How Elementary-Age Children May Express Grief
Elementary-School Age
Keep tasks simple. Explain things before they experience them – court, new school or church, foster family outings and traditions.
Provide a structured environment that is predictable and consistent. Limit choices. Introduce small, manageable choices over time.
Contain acting out behavior. Push them to express their wants, needs, and feelings with words, not by acting out.
Encourage them to let you know when they are worried or having a diffi cult time.
How to Help the Grieving Elementary-Age Child
Pre-Teens and Teens
Physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches, sleeping and eating disorders, hypochondria)
Wide mood swings
Verbally expresses emotions but also needs physical outlets
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
Increase in risk-taking and self-destructive behaviors
Anger, aggression, fighting, resistance, oppositional behavior
Withdrawal from adults, increased time with friends
Depression, sadness
Lack of concentration and attention
Identity confusion; testing limits
How Pre-Teens and Teens May Express Grief
Pre-Teens and Teens
Accept that they will experience mood swings and physical symptoms.
Encourage them to honestly recognize their painful feelings and find positive outlets in physical and creative activities.
Listen for the feelings behind their words and actions and respond with empathy.
Be truthful and factual in explaining their circumstances.
Help them develop and maintain their sense of identity.
Allow teens to make choices that are not harmful. Encourage safe expressions and experiences of freedom and independence.
How to Help Grieving Pre-Teens and Teens
Ways to Support and Encourage a Grieving Child
Give children affection and nurturing. Infants through preschoolers need physical contact for a sense of security. Affection and attachment with older children takes time, but is still just as important.
Be empathetic to the emotions that children express directly and indirectly through acting out or withdrawal. Learn to recognize the emotion behind the words or actions and acknowledge it.
Maintain an atmosphere of openness to verbal expression of feelings, but not allowing bad or harmful behavior to self or others in the expression of those feelings.
Be alert to expressions of grief and use listening skills to help children talk about what is on their mind. It doesn’t hurt to ask children questions about how they did things at their house or about memories of family events, both good and bad. Encourage them to let you know when they are having a hard time.
Ways to Support and Encourage a Grieving Child
Be truthful and factual in explaining the situation. This helps a child feel more in control.
Crying really does help. Children need a safe place to talk about their losses and grief. All children who are removed from a parent should receive therapeutic counseling services as often as possible.
Use planning, structure, and clear limits to help children who have been traumatized to stay in control. This will also help to contain acting-out behaviors associated with the avoidance of painful emotions in grieving.
Keep the child’s tasks simple. Don’t offer too many choices. Explain things before they experience them – court, new school or church, foster family outings and traditions.
Encourage children to find positive outlets for the emotional energy that accompanies grief through playtime, physical activities, and creative activities.
Ways to Support and Encourage a Grieving Child
Address the physical and medical needs of the child and encourage healthy habits of proper rest, nutrition, and grooming.
Seek extra help for the child in their schoolwork, such as after-school tutoring, to help remediate academic delays that are common in grieving and traumatized children.
Help children develop a “survivor” identity rather than “victim”. Help them recognize their strengths and call attention to the positive steps they take in coping with their losses.
Sources Developmental Issues of Grieving Children
and How to Help by Dr. Sheri Siegel
The Grieving Child in Care Factsheet by Sheri Wallace
Children: Grief and Loss in Foster Care by Holly Martinac
A Child’s Journey through Placement by Dr. Vera Fahlberg
Helping the Grieving Student: A Guide for Teachers from the Doughy Center
Helping Children Cope with Death from the Doughy Center
How Do We Tell the Children? by Dan Schaeffer and Christine Lyons
The Grieving Child by Helen Fitzgerald
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