Mastering your Emotions

Mastering your EQ

Choosing the Secret Competitive Advantage

Emotion

• a mental and physiological state associated with a wide variety of feelings, thoughts, and behavior

• a mental and physiological state associated with a wide variety of feelings, thoughts, and behavior

• subjective experiences; or something experienced from an individual point of view.

• subjective experiences; or something experienced from an individual point of view.

Emotion versus Behavior

• What we are doing and what we are feeling may be quite different.

• Caution:

• Do not assume that you know what is going on inside other people simply by watching their behavior.

Basic components of emotions

1. The physiological aspect- involves active changes in the body physically

2. The cognitive component

- emphasizes the importance of thoughts, beliefs, and expectations in determining the type and intensity of emotional response

Basic components of emotions

3. The behavioral component

- involves the various forms of expressions that emotions may take , e.g., facial expressions, bodily postures, gestures, and tone of voice which changes with anger, joy, fear, sorrow, etc.

Basic components of emotions

4. The subjective experience

- includes elements of pleasure, or displeasure, intensity of feeling, etc.

- what one individual experiences as intensely as pleasurable may be boring for another

Time Frame – Past, Present & Future

• You cannot feel Anxiety when you think of the Past and you cannot feel Disappointment when you think of the Future.

• Application Exercise:

• Regret to Hope– by shifting from the past to something that could happen or

something you could do in the future. 

Time Frame – Past, Present & Future

• Application Exercise:

• Bored to Restless – by shifting from what is not going on in the present to looking

forward to something pleasant that is going to happen in the not-too-distant future.

• Frustration into Patience – by shifting Time Frame from the Present to another time farther

into the Future.

Modality – Necessary, Possible, Desirable

• The language that we use somewhat describes the emotion.– That it needs to be done is part of Necessity. – That it can be done by you is part of Possibility. – If you believe you can not, then you move to a feeling

of Inadequacy or Despair. 

INVOLVEMENT -  Active or Passive / Going toward or Away

• Emotions also indicate: – “movement” – what kind of “movement” that is.

• Are you moving towards or away? • Are you initiating the “movement” or are you going

with the flow?

To or away? Passive or active?

• Determination• Ambition • Curiosity      • Frustrated      • Aggressive• Affectionate / Friendly  • Hope • Victim • Acceptance. • Hope

• Apathy• Complacence• Satisfaction• Loneliness• Calm.• Boredom• Annoyance• Loneliness• Self-Pity • Patience

INVOLVEMENT -  Active or Passive / Going toward or Away

• Determination – get something done / Going Toward

• Ambition  - to rise to a certain level / Going Toward

• Curiosity – to figure something out / Going Toward

• Frustrated – to make something turn out the way you want it to / Going Toward

• Aggressive / Affectionate / Friendly  – Moving Toward

INVOLVEMENT -  Active or Passive / Going toward or Away

• Passive – feeling that there is nothing you can do– that there are forces moving around ‘out

there’ that will or will not grant you your wishes

“You are more likely to be passive if you have no outcome in mind.”

INVOLVEMENT -  Active or Passive / Going toward or Away

Complacence, Satisfaction, Apathy – Outcomes have been met or do not exist and you do

not feel like you have to do anything.

• Loneliness– involves wanting to be with people, but feeling unable

to do anything about it

• Boredom, Annoyance, Loneliness, Self-Pity – Passive / Away From

• Hope, Patience– Passive / Moving toward

INTENSITY

• more images, enhanced detail, increased depth of colors, more sounds, more loudness of sounds, increase in intensity of physical movements, increase in intensity of sensations, intensity of internal dialogue

Disappointed       Sad Grieving Depression Self Destruct

Satisfied    Pleased Happy Thrilled Ecstatic

Concerned   Worried Upset Anxious Hysterical

Curious   Interested Aroused  Lustful Obsessed

Disapproving   Irritated Angry  Furious  Rage

Okay Comfortable Calm Peaceful Bliss

Demand Stressed Pressured Overwhelmed Trauma

TEMPO

• Moving quickly, slowly, steadily, erratically. – Fast Tempo is in emotions of:  Excited,

Panicky, Restless, Impatient, Anxious, Angry.

– Slow Tempo: Bored, Lonely, Apathetic, Discouraged, Patient, Accepting, Satisfied

– Fast/Uneven Tempo: Anxious, Nervous      – Slow/Even Tempo: Calm

Tempo

• Patience– It is impossible to feel patient and experience

a fast tempo at the same time. – When people are feeling impatient, it is well

known to slow down and take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

– When we are so impatient that we get excited and speed around, we miss much of what is around us and allow no time for input.

.

Tempo

      EVEN / SMOOTH   UNEVEN / ERRATIC

 FAST Enthusiasmjoy

Anxious Nervous Panicky

Restless Angry ExcitedFrustration

 SLOW Calm  Patient  AcceptingSatisfied  DiscouragedDread

GrievingBoredLonely

CRITERIA

• the standards that you are applying in a certain situation

• Emotions always occur within a particular context or situation.

• When the situation changes, your emotions do too.

CRITERIA

• Some emotions are better in some situations than in others.

• How useful and appropriate an emotion is depends on the situation and what you want. – Being frustrated and challenged when faced with a

task = keep you going, keep you trying– Feeling defeated or inadequate = not useful.

CRITERIA

“Changing the Criteria will change the emotion as well as changing any other component.”

Patience

• Good emotion– to keep you going toward long term goal– gives you time to evaluate and reevaluate your

actions and results– when desired outcome will take time or when you

cannot impose your own time table and do things when you want to do them (traffic jam, waiting in line, teaching others, etc.)

• Not the best emotion – when you have to take immediate action or suffer

imminent negative consequences – when you are being taken advantage of or being

abused.

Calm

• Good emotion– when there is nothing you have to do.

Examples are going to bed to sleep, relaxing or meditating, or going on vacation. It will enhance those experiences.

• Not Good emotion– when you have to respond to something

immediately or be alert

Determination

• Good emotion – When making a sustained effort against

obstacles to accomplish a goal.

• Not Good emotion      – may fail to notice that your family relationships

or personal health is deteriorating– if your goals are not worthwhile or not

achievable.

Encouraged

• Good emotion – when you perceive you are making progress toward a

goal– when you are striving toward a goal that will be

difficult or a long time comingNOTE: It is a better choice than Satisfaction to keep you going because Satisfaction brings striving to a halt.

• Not Good emotion – if evidence of success is not coming or is

misinterpreted and it keeps you going toward a goal that is not worthwhile

Resignation

• Good emotion– when you must set aside something you want in order

to attain an outcome that has a higher priority– for things that are either short term or in transition.

NOTE: Feeling Resigned does not mean giving up what you want, but merely setting it aside in favor of something more important.

• Not Good emotion – in situations that are ongoing and continuous– When it leads to pent-up anger and dissatisfaction

Acceptance

• Good emotion– For things you cannot change or it would not be worth

what you would have to go through in order to even try

– When the goal is impossible and the costs are too high and so it is best to disengage.

NOTE: Unlike Disappointment, Acceptance is ongoing and allows you to live comfortably with your circumstance.

• Not Good emotion– When a goal is attainable and worthwhile

Frustration

• Good emotion– to maintain the importance of some goal you have and you are

still trying, trying despite setbacks, obstacles, and difficulties– to re-engage or remain engaged in striving toward some desire

or goal.NOTE: Frustration serves best as a temporary bridge to more

effective emotions of curiosity or patience or determination.

• Not Good emotion– When trying to change things which cannot be changed. – In situations in which you do not have the skills or resources to

make that change.

Disappointment

• Good emotion– lets you know that you did not get want you wanted. – when it is time to let go, to let go of pursuit and to let go of waiting for

others to do it for you. – helps you to let go and disengage. It is useful to tell you to move on to

something else.

• Not Good emotion

• when it keeps you stuck in an unpleasant and useless way• to let go too soon when you could have gotten what you wanted with

a little more time or patience or determination.

• Feeling cautious is not useful when you are in a familiar situation and there is not danger.

Suspicion

• Good emotion– when you are with people who can harm you, know they can

harm you, and yet are treating you as though nothing is wrong. – Difference between Suspicion and Skeptical is one of

Intensity. Suspicion is more protective than Skeptical because potential for harm is more.

• Not Good emotion– if there is no mismatch between the other person’s past and

present behavior– if there is no danger of harm and no evidence of mismatch

Being suspicious will create confusion, resentment, and anger in others.

What is EQ? (EI)

describes the ability, capacity, skill to:

sense

identify

assess

manage

the emotions of one's self, of others, and of groups

Emotional Maturity

• being aware of one’s emotions

• being able to manage the reactions that come with it

If you know your EQ, you can better understand how your emotions affect your

choices and decisions.

If you know your EQ, you can better understand how your emotions affect your

choices and decisions.

can help you improve decision making by using your head, not just your heart

can help you improve decision making by using your head, not just your heart

Five Areas of Emotional Intelligence

1. INTRAPERSONAL EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT1. INTRAPERSONAL EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT

- your ability to understand and form an accurate concept of yourself, and be able to use that concept to operate effectively in life

- your ability to understand and form an accurate concept of yourself, and be able to use that concept to operate effectively in life

Your intra-personal quotient

• a. Self-Awareness - the ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions, and drives, as

well as their effect on others.

• a. Self-Awareness - the ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions, and drives, as

well as their effect on others.

• I rely on my intuition to assist me in my decision-making.

• I can name my greatest strengths.• I am usually aware of the way I am feeling.

Your intra-personal quotient

• b. Self-Regulation/Control - the ability to control or redirect disruptive impulses and moods and the ability to suspend judgment and think before acting.

• b. Self-Regulation/Control - the ability to control or redirect disruptive impulses and moods and the ability to suspend judgment and think before acting.

• I am calm even in tense situations.• I rarely make impulsive decisions.• I am willing to forego immediate gratification when

on a budget.

Your intra-personal quotient

• Personal Influence (related to self-awareness and self-regulation)– The ability to positively lead and inspire others

as well as oneself– Includes competencies of:

• Leading others• Creating a positive work climate• Getting results from others• self-confidence, initiative and motivation, optimism

Your intra-personal quotient

• c. Motivation - a passion to work for reasons that go beyond money or status, and the ability to pursue

goals with energy and persistence.

• c. Motivation - a passion to work for reasons that go beyond money or status, and the ability to pursue

goals with energy and persistence.

• I seek out innovative ways of getting the job done.• I would continue to work if I won the lottery.• When I know what I want, I go after it.

Your intra-personal quotient

• Mastery of Purpose and Vision (related to motivation)– Ability to define specific goals and purpose

and finds meaning in work– Includes competencies of:

• Understanding one’s purpose, roles, accountabilities

• Taking action towards purpose• Authenticity

Five Areas of Emotional Quotient

2. INTERPERSONAL EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT - Empathy and Social Skills2. INTERPERSONAL EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT - Empathy and Social Skills

- ability to understand other people and relate effectively to them; to understand what motivates others, how they work, and how to work cooperatively with them

- ability to understand other people and relate effectively to them; to understand what motivates others, how they work, and how to work cooperatively with them

Your interpersonal quotient

• a. Empathy - the ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people.

• a. Empathy - the ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people.

• I can sense someone's true feelings based on their body language.

• The emotional tone of an interaction is easy to decipher.

• I would make a great therapist.

Your interpersonal quotient

• Empathy– Includes the competencies of:

• Listening to others• Understanding other’s points of view• Understanding how one’s words and actions affect others• Wanting to be of service to others

Five Areas of Emotional Intelligence

b. Social Skills/Social Expertness

– Includes the competencies of:• Building relationships• Organizational savvy• Collaboration• Conflict resolution

Recognize you've got something to do with it.

• If your belief is unconscious then you act on automatic pilot.

• If conscious, then you have some choice. – Your negative thoughts produce negative emotions. – Your positive thoughts produce positive emotions.

• Emotion is not something that happens to you.

Four Steps to Mastering Your Emotions

• What meaning I’m I going to choose to give this?

• What did I learn from this?

• How am I going to integrate what I learned?

• How can I share it with other people?

Change comes after the fact

• That's because you can't control your initial reaction to anything!

But you can control your second thought and in that is your saving

grace.

But you can control your second thought and in that is your saving

grace.

Keep a record of your emotion

Use the journal to bring your unconscious to conscious.

Use the journal to bring your unconscious to conscious.

Keep a record of your emotion

• Ask yourself questions of your emotions to understand your underlying beliefs.

– Don't ask: • "Why am I feeling this way".

– Rather make guesses. • Am I feeling hurt because they didn't do what I

wanted? • Am I unhappy because I'm not perfect? • Am I angry because they don't understand my

challenges?

Talk with friends

• Don't talk with people: – who gossip – reinforce the idea you are a victim

• Talk with people who are interested in understanding what they have to do with how they are feeling.

• Stick with people with high EQ

Get counseling!

High EQ Benefit

• can help you build strong relationships• reduce stress• motivate yourself to get what you want

A high EQ is related to good performance.

A high EQ is related to good performance.