PACS 3700/COMM 3700 Communication & Conflict Management Jan 22, 2014 Conflict Communication

PACS 3700/COMM 3700Communication & Conflict Management

Jan 22, 2014Conflict Communication

Announcements:

•Please get online textbook vouchers in soon!

•Complete Tom Sebok handout linked to course schedule page. I’ll also put it as an additional reading in D2L.

Announcements:

Understanding your grades•Groups are graded from -2 to ok to +2•Absence = -3.

Announcements:

Understanding your grades•Written Assignments –

– Grades appear in the gradebook, but to see my comments on any attachment, you need to go to the dropbox folder.

Rubric shows

reason for grade

Rubric shows

reason for grade

GradeGrade

Short feedbackShort feedback

Attachment will be here.Attachment will be here.

Still have questions

or concerns?

Still have questions

or concerns?

How would you do that?

• Exercise 1: Write down an example….

• Discuss.

Two real examples:

• I feel now would be an appropriate time to share my appraisal of the coursework and interactions I've had with you in PACS 3800 as being frustrating with the lack of clarity in instruction and communication regarding this course. I feel the expectations by which my work was graded exceeds the instruction that I received for the assignment.

Continuing:

• The entire final was completely arbitrarily graded as it consisted of 25 essay questions based on a sectarian scenario that barely utilized the learned material and concepts.

• Moreover, I feel the grade that you gave me on my final is not reflective of the effort or proficiency of the work submitted. On the contrary, I feel that the grade you have given me for this course and the final is more reflective of the quality of teaching that I received in this particular course. [She got a D on both.]

Example #2:

I am writing about my self-assessment grade. I received a rather low grade and was confused about why I received such a low score. I read your comments and compared my assignment to a fellow classmates and did not see any significant differences. I really want to succeed in your course and I want to improve my communications skills. I would appreciate getting further feedback as to why I received this grade.

Assignment #2

• Actually USING Active Listening & I messages

• TWO appropriate conversations (at least one conflict)

• Do sometime from now on (not in the past)

• Due 9 am Feb 24—but don’t leave it to the last minute!

Assignment #1

• Write a 1-2 page report on what happened– Describe what the situation was (briefly)– What you did (so I can tell if you used the techniques

properly)– What happened– How it felt (natural, unnatural, challenging [how])

– (Exact questions are on the assignment details on D2L. Be sure to read those!

For all assignments:

• Format in MS word, rtf or pdf. NOT pages!!• Put your name and assignment number on the

filename (burgess-A1.docx)• Put your name on the first page of the

document also.• Put both reports in the same document (2

stories, but one file to open)• Turn into dropbox and get a receipt!

Questions?

PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication

Question:

What were your “take aways” from

Tom’s presentation?

• Bad conflict communication is “natural”• Good conflict communication can seem awkward,

hard, even inappropriate.• Good conflict communication takes lots of

practice and continued vigilance.

• Is it worth it? Look at the alternatives!

The things that resonated most with me were:

• The only person you can change (reliably) is yourself. (Sec. 2)

• So if you want to change the outcome, then change yourself – the way you think about the problem, – the way you respond to the problem – and your

response MIGHT change the other person’s response.

But the key is:

Focus on YOUR behavior first,

EVEN WHEN

THEY are the problem!

• Strategies to know:– Active listening (also called empathic listening)– I-messages– 3-part messaging (facts, impact, request)– Describing the [expectation] gap (expectation,

facts, explanation of what happened—or sometimes, solution.)

• Things to know about each skill:– What they are– How and why they are used– Advantages, disadvantages– When to use them– When NOT to use them– Other caveats (Tom calls them “banana peels”)

In groups of 2, fill out this chartSkill Advantages Disadvan-

tagesWhen Use When NOT

Active Lis.

I-messages

3-part mess.

Des. Gap.

Neal Katz’s diagram of active listening traps.

Active Listening “Banana Peels”

– Other person doesn’t care about what you think.

– It comes off self-centered, uncaring about the other.

– Can be interpreted as manipulative.

How do you avoid these?

I message “Banana Peels”

• “Banana Peels” for Gap– Phrase facts as “you message” – Accusatory “what happened”– Sometimes – if you’re in crisis situation

because of someone’s failure to keep a promise, etc., finding out the answer to “what happened” is less crucial than solving the immediate problem.

• More on three part messaging:

Mary Rowe suggests writing a letter (or email).11. What are the advantages of this?12. Disadvantages?

13. What about conflict (resolution) by phone? (Advantages/disadvantages)

14. Text? (Advantages/disadvantages)

PowerPoint Summary of: Conflict and Communication

Question:

What is the relationship between communication and conflict?

Comm & Con Exercise, Part I:

COMMUNICATION -- CONFLICT

List the ways in which comm. affects conflict.

•Is effect primarily positive or negative?

•If both, what makes comm. + ?

Exercise, Part II:

CONFLICT -- COMMUNICATION

List the ways in which conflict affects communication.

•Is effect primarily positive or negative?

•If both, what makes the effect + ?

Communication and Conflict

Key Points

• In one sense, conflict IS a form of communication

• In which….

One person says something….

That another person doesn’t like

• because…

It threatens his or her:

• Interests

• Needs

• Values

• Power

The “challenged” person answers by…

• Ignoring the challenge

• Giving in (and giving the other person what they want) or

• Challenging back

And this starts the

“conflict conversation.”

Communication Conflict

The relationship between communication and conflict is bi-directional.

Conflict conversations can take many forms. They can be

• Calm and mutually respectful

• Angry and mutually hurtful

• Rational

• Emotional

• Cooperative

• Competitive,

• Retributive and escalatory

However, conversation in conflicts tends to be strained.

Communication Conflict-

WHY???

• People say things in anger that they might not mean

• People hear things that were not intended…

• Or they don’t hear (or listen) at all.

Damage can go the other way too.

• Misunderstanding increases likelihood of conflict

• Pre-conceptions increase likelihood of misunderstandings

• Differences increase likelihood of pre-conceptions – and conflict

• Different languages, worldviews, cultures, stereotypes, experiences, expectations, interests, needs, values, power, status…..

• There are other ways communication can increase conflict too.

Accusatory or escalatory language can cause or increase conflict.

Demeaning or humiliating language can create or increase conflict.

Gottman’s “4 horsemen” can intensify conflict.

What are they? Why are they called the 4 horsemen?

The “Four Horsemen”

1. Criticizing

2. Defensiveness

3. Stonewalling

4. Contempt (humiliation)

Communication Conflict+

Other kinds of communication can make disputes and conflicts better.

Communication Conflict+

In fact, it is pretty much THE ONLY thing that can.

The “Four Horsemen”

Comm & Con Exercise Part III

1.Can you think of any examples where someone has used one or more of these communication modes against you? (Describe in 1 or 2 sentences)

2.What was your response?

3.Can you think of a time YOU used one of these modes? What was the result then?

4.Can you think of another approach that might have worked better?

• Practice Exercise 4: You walked into the kitchen in the apartment you share with two other

roommates and noticed that Chris left her/his dirty dishes (now being marched all over by a battalion of ants) on the kitchen counter – despite an agreement among all three of you that dirty dishes would be put in the dishwasher.

1) Respond with one or more of the 4 horsemen. Play that dialogue out.2) Use one of Tom&Jessica’s strategies for good conflict communication

and play that one out.3) Compare.4) What are impediments to doing #2 in real life?

• MORE PRACTICE EXERCISES: Initiating discussion about YOUR

concerns . . .

• 1. Two nights ago, you were asleep until the call from your roommate’s friend on the west coast woke you up. Last night, when another of your roommate’s friends, Dwayne, knocked on the door to your room around midnight, it also woke you up. You didn’t say anything to your roommate either time. You hoped s/he’d get the hint when you groaned and put the pillow over your head. Both times, however, you couldn’t get back to sleep. This morning you overslept, had to skip breakfast, and ran to class. You were still 20 minutes late. Use any combination of the skills above to raise these concerns with your roommate.

• MORE PRACTICE EXERCISES: Initiating discussion about YOUR

concerns . . .

2. You are upset that your roommate has been borrowing your clothes. Although you aren’t certain, you thought your Roommate Agreement covered that topic but s/he has been borrowing your clothes without asking. Use an I Statement or Open-Ended Question to raise this concern with your roommate.

Note Tom’s Final Note (mine too!)

• Communicate RESPECTFULLY– Even when the other person is treating you

disrespectfully– Even when the other person is wrong– Even when you have been wronged

• Disrespect might feel good• But most often it makes things worse.• Keep your eye on the ball!!!

Useful Link

• How to Stop Fighting A Seven-Step Tutorial for People Involved in Relationship Conflicts

• http://stop-fighting.crinfo.org/special_projects/stop_fighting/index.jsp

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