Lesson: Adding the “Beef” to a Draft with the Reviser’s...

Draft–1/11/2011 WritingIsforKnucklehadsGrade4WritingCamp

Lesson: Adding the “Beef” to a Draft with the Reviser’s Toolkit

Objective: Goodwritersstrengthenandrevisenarrativedraftsbyaddingthoughtshots,sensorydetails,dialogue,andactionthat“shows,nottells.”

Materials: KnuckleheadorSpaceheadzbooktrailervideo Reviser’sToolkitslideshow EnlargedcopyofWarexcerptfromJonScieszka’sautobiography,Knucklehead Reviser’sToolkit:Where’stheBeef?graphicorganizer(studentcopy) TAKS2010WritingSample:MyMotorcycle(studentcopy) Studentdraftsforrevision Notebook,paper,pencil,scissors,andtape Chartpaperandmarkers

Note:Priortothelesson,previewtheKnuckleheadbooktrailerasitincludessomewordsand/orcontentthatmaybeobjectionable.Additionally,decidewhetherstudentswillreviseanexistingdraftorwhethertheywillcollaboratewithapartnertocreaterevisethestudentwritingsample,MyMotorcycle.

Connection connecttoday’sworkwithourongoingwork explicitlystatemyteachingpointAskstudentstostandandstretchtheirarmsashighastheycan.Challengethemtostretchevenhigheronasecondattempt.Explainthatoftenpeopledon’tdotheirverybestontheirfirstattemptatsomething.Thisisespeciallytruewhenwritersarecomposingthefirstdraftofastory.Remindstudentsthatwritersdigintotheir“Reviser’sToolkit”topolishandrefinetheirdraftsforanaudience.Specifically,goodwritersstrengthenandrevisetheirstoriesbyaddingthoughtshots,sensorydetails,dialogue,andaction.It’simportantthatwriters“show,nottell”theirstory.Today,studentswillexaminestrategiesthatwillhelpthemrevisetheirdraftstocreateanenticing,action‑packedstory.

Teach

restateandtellapersonalorclassstoryconnectedtotheteachingpoint demonstratebythinkingaloudandpointoutthingsstudentsshouldhavenoticedRemindstudentsthatourfivesensesprovidewriterswithimportantsensorydetailsthatcanhelpuscreateamovieinthemindsofourreaders.Tellstudentsthatyouwouldlikethemtousetheirsensestopayattentiontotheimagesandactionstheyseeandthesoundstheyhearinabooktrailerfromtheauthor,JonScieszka.IntroducethevideotrailerbyexplainingthatScieszkagrewupinahouseholdof6boys.Hewasthesecondoldest,andhelearnedavaluablelessonfromhiseldestbrotherJimwhogrewuptobealawyer.Scieszkadiscoveredthatifyouweretheonetellingthestory,itcouldsaveyoufroma“heapoftrouble.”Showthebooktrailervideo,KnuckleheadorSpaceheadz,andaskstudentstosharesomeofthesightsand sounds from the short clips.Discuss the impact on the effectiveness of the booktrailer if some of the key sights and soundswere left out.Connecttheimportantideathatsensorydetails,dialogue,thoughtshots,andactionhelpreaderstocreatethe“sightsandsounds”ofthestoryusinga“show,nottell”approach.IntroducetheTextDudefoundonslide1oftheReviser’sToolkitslideshow.Clickthemousetorevealeachitem.Slide2introducestheacronym–BEEF,whichcomesfromthe80ssloan,“Where’stheBeef?”TeachersmayshowtheWhere’stheBeef?adtoexplaintheideathatthedetailsmakethedifferenceinawell‑craftednarrative.Onslide3,reviewthedifferentpartsoftheBEEFacronym.

Display slide 4. Explain that author Jon Scieszka is masterful at helping readers create mental movies of the stories he describes in hisautobiography,Knucklehead.Inthestory,War,Scieszkausessensorydetailstohelpthereadersee,hear,andimaginethemselvescaughtinaplaybattleofwarwithneighborhoodfriends.Additionally,Scieszkaaddsdialogueandhisthoughtsabouttheeventstocreateafunnyretellingoftheexperiences.Readaloud the short storyandusea thinkaloudprocess tohelp studentsnoticewhen theauthoruses thedifferent revision tools.Reviewtherevisiontoolsfoundonthegraphicorganizer,Reviser’sToolkit:Where’stheBeef?andshowwereeachoneisfoundinScieszka’snarrativeusingthecolor‑codedcopyofthestory.

Active Engagement

askstudentstobeactivelyinvolvedbyturningandtalking listen,observe,&/orcoachtheiractiveinvolvementandshareanexampleofwhatyouheard/observedExplainthatstudentswillusetherevisionstrategiestoimprovea2‑ratingcompositionfromthe2010TAKStest.Sharethewritingprompt,andthenintroducethestorybyexplainingthattheyoungauthordescribesatimewhenhehelpedhisdadfindhislostcellphoneatagarbagedump.Intheprocess,theauthorunearthsarecycledtreasure–amotorcycle.Remindstudentsthata2‑ratingcompositionistheminimumpassingstandardonTAKS,andtherefore,thestoryneedsrevisiontoreceiveahigherscore.Modelhowtouseoneormoreoftherevisionstrategiesbyfocusinginonaspecificeventordetailfromthestory.Thenhavestudentsworkwithapartnertousethesamestrategytoimproveadifferentpartofthecomposition.Listeninontheconversationsandsharestudents’revisionswiththewholegroup.

Link restatetheteachingpointandtellstudentshowwhatyoutaughtcanbeusedinthefutureRecapthebigideassharedinthelessonbyremindingstudentsthatgoodwriterstaketimetorevisetheirdrafts.Remindthemthatourbestwritingusuallycomesafterwe’vehadachancetolookbackandmakechangestoit.Tellstudentsthattheycanhelpreadersmakeamovieintheirmindswhentheyaddthoughtshots,sensorydetails,dialogue,andactiontoastory.“Showing,nottelling”isthebestwaytohelpreaderslosethemselvesinawell‑craftedstorythatsticksintheirmindlongafterthepieceisread.Duringtheindependentwritingactivity,providetimeforstudentstoaddthoughtshots,dialogue,action,orsensorydetailstotheirdraft.Studentsmaycutandpastetherevisionsintotheirdraft.Havestudentssharetheirrevisedstorieswiththegroup.Alternatively,studentsmayworktogetherwithapartnertorevisethestudentcomposition,MyMotorcycle.

Possible Conference Questions Howdothoughtshotsrevealthefeelingsyouhaveabouttheexperiencesinyourstory? Whatsensorydetailscanhelpthereadersee,smell,taste,touch,andhearthesoundsinyourstory? Whatpartofyourstorymightbeenhancedwitha“show,nottell”typeofactionscene? Wherecoulddialoguebeaddedtoimproveyourstory?

IdeasadaptedfromGretchenBernabei’sCrunchtime(2009)

Name: _________________________________ Date: ___________________

Reviser’s Toolkit: Where’s the BEEF?

Thoughtshots

What is your Brain thinking?

Dialogue & Sounds

What are your Ears hearing?

Visual Images

What are your Eyes seeing?

Action

What are your Feet and body doing?

Source:Knucklehead(2005,2008)

War by Jon Scieszka

1 We told our little brother Tom not to follow us because we were going to war.

2 Tom followed us anyway. 3 “Mom said I could,” said Tom. 4 “Mom’s not going to be the one who takes a dirt clod in

the side of the head and runs home crying,” said Jim. 5 It was the middle of summer. Builders were putting up

new houses on the empty block at the end of our street. The dirt lots were covered with foxholes and trenches and wood – perfect for war.

6 “You’re gonna get hurt,” I said. 7 “No I won’t,” said Tom. 8 “Yes you will,” said Jim. 9 “No I won’t,” said Tom. 10 Jim and I ran down into our dusty foxholes and started

piling up ammo – fist-sized chunks of dried dirt. Perfect dirt-clod grenades.

11 Jim pulled the pin on one with his teeth (just like we’d seen on our favorite TV show, Combat). He chucked the grenade half-sidearm, half-overhand, just like Sarge did.

12 It flew through the air and landed Bam! on a sheet of plywood with a perfect noise and puff of smoke.

Source:Knucklehead(2005,2008)

13 I heaved another round and made an excellent Thoop! mortar sound.

14 Bam! Puff of smoke. 15 “Hey Scieszka!” someone yelled from behind a pile of

dirt. 16 “Snipers,” said Jim. “We’ll have to take them out.” 17 I nodded. “Roger.” 18 Jim and I launched an all-out attack of dirt grenades,

dirt bombs, and dirt machine-gun fire. All with perfect sound effects.

19 Fred and Bobby D. returned fire. Bam! Boom! Bam! 20 We ducked down in our trench. 21 “We have to outflank them,” said Sergeant Jim. 22 I looked up at Tom standing at the edge of our foxhole

just in time to see an incoming dirt-clock round pop him right in the side of the head. Bam! It made a great puff of smoke.

23 Tom half crouched half sat down. Jim and I looked at him. He looked like he was going to cry.

24 Two more dirt clod bombs dropped behind us. 25 Tom didn’t cry. He jumped into the foxhole. 26 “Charge!” yelled Jim. 27 And we did.

Source:  Knucklehead  (2005,  2008)  

War by Jon Scieszka  

1 We told our little brother Tom not to follow us because we were going to war.

2 Tom followed us anyway.

3 “Mom said I could,” said Tom.  

4 “Mom’s not going to be the one who takes a dirt clod in the side of the head and runs home crying,” said Jim.

5 It was the middle of summer. Builders were putting up new houses on the empty block at the end of our street. The dirt lots were covered with foxholes and trenches and wood – perfect for war.

6 “You’re gonna get hurt,” I said.

7 “No I won’t,” said Tom.

8 “Yes you will,” said Jim.

9 “No I won’t,” said Tom.

10 Jim and I ran down into our dusty foxholes and started piling up ammo – fist-sized chunks of dried dirt. Perfect dirt-clod grenades.

11 Jim pulled the pin on one with his teeth (just like we’d seen on our favorite TV show, Combat). He chucked the grenade half-sidearm, half-overhand, just like Sarge did.

12 It flew through the air and landed Bam! on a sheet of plywood with a perfect noise and puff of smoke.

Source:  Knucklehead  (2005,  2008)  

13 I heaved another round and made an excellent Thoop! mortar sound.

14 Bam! Puff of smoke.

15 “Hey Scieszka!” someone yelled from behind a pile of dirt.

16 “Snipers,” said Jim. “We’ll have to take them out.”

17 I nodded. “Roger.”

18 Jim and I launched an all-out attack of dirt grenades, dirt bombs, and dirt machine-gun fire. All with perfect sound effects.

19 Fred and Bobby D. returned fire. Bam! Boom! Bam!

20 We ducked down in our trench.

21 “We have to outflank them,” said Sergeant Jim.

22 I looked up at Tom standing at the edge of our foxhole just in time to see an incoming dirt-clock round pop him right in the side of the head. Bam! It made a great puff of smoke.

23 Tom half crouched half sat down. Jim and I looked at him. He looked like he was going to cry.

24 Two more dirt clod bombs dropped behind us.

25 Tom didn’t cry. He jumped into the foxhole.

26 “Charge!” yelled Jim.

27 And we did.

TAKS Grade 4 Spring 2010

Rating: 2 Page 1 of 2

My Motorcycle Prompt: Write a composition about a time when you found something. 1 Have you ever found something? Well I know I have it was a rusty old motor cycle. Now let me tell you what happened. 2 It all started when my dad dropped his phone in the trash can right as the trash people came. So we had to go to the junk yard. Then we got in the car and drove to the junk yard. Next we pulled in and showed them his ID and stuff. A guy asked what happened so we told him he dropped his phone and we are here to look for it. They let us in and we were just looking at all of the piles of stuff they had. We parked the car and got out and started looking. 3 He found his phone and right as we were about to leave I saw that rusty old thing. We put it in the truck and left. I took it out of the car and got some tool’s. I losened up the screws and took it apart. After that we went to Home Depto and got some paint. I painted the flames my dad painted the solid black for the back ground. I went to the store and got a brand new engion. I put it in the back and drove home. I took out the old one and put the new one in. I told my friend about it and he came over to help. 4 Then I got some other part’s and connected it to the engion. I went to a key store and brought the

TAKS Grade 4 Spring 2010

Rating: 2 Page 2 of 2

My Motorcycle

motor cycle. I tried to see if they could find a key to fit it. We had to waight four day’s for them to make a key. We went and got there motor cycle and I turned it on and road it around. I took my friend to his house and told him thank you for the help. I went home and took a shower got drest and layed down. 5 Then I told everybody good night and went to bed. I will always remember that motor cycle I found.