Interpersonal Relationship Techniques with Adults Michele Aluoch River of Life Professional...
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- Slide 1
- Interpersonal Relationship Techniques with Adults Michele
Aluoch River of Life Professional Counseling LC c. 2013
- Slide 2
- Who am I? Who am I? Rosenberger, E. W. (2011) What do I want
out of life? Where am I going? How will I know when I get there?
What resources do I need to feel fulfilled? Goal of therapy:
seeking to recreate what is considered good in relationships,
seeking to foster what is healthy- use camera check method
- Slide 3
- Who am I?: Developing Self Awareness Personality qualities,
hobbies and interests Experiences in life Beliefs and values Put
each on a sheet and pick out of shoebox. Can you guess. Then build
on these to get to know each other more.
- Slide 4
- Meeting Someone: Introductions Stand up Look the other person
in the eye Smile Say- Hi. I am ________ Make some comments about
activity
- Slide 5
- A Help Wanted Ad Friend Wanted! Age: Type of relationship:
Qualities: Behaviors: Expectations:
- Slide 6
- Exercises: Introducing Yourself You see a new colleague
starting at your department in work and want to welcome him. You
find out from one of your neighbors that a new couple moved in
three houses down from you. There are some new students in your
college class. You are told you will have to do a group project
next quarter. Better start getting to know whos who now.
- Slide 7
- Five Key Questions: Couples Therapy Five Key Questions: Couples
Therapy Madden, M. (2005) How did you get the courage to talk to a
stranger about your relationship? Do you think the problems In the
relationship are more to do with things inside or things outside
the relationship? What do you notice about other relationships that
is like or unlike your own? If your relationship does improve,
which of you will be more likely to have changed? Did you learn
anything in your own family that has helped or hindered you in this
relationship?
- Slide 8
- Healthy Marriages- Qualities (Carlson, & Dinkmeyer, 1991,
Dinkmeyer & Carson, 1984) 1. Making the relationship a priority
2. Communicating regularly 3 Practicing encouragement 4. Having
marriage meetings and choices 5. Setting up negotiations, rules,
and conflict resolution 6. Having regular fun 7. Emotional and
psychological intimacy
- Slide 9
- Dealing With Outside People
- Slide 10
- Family of Origin Family of Origin Cook, J.M., & Poulsen,
S.S. (2011) Photographs with genogram Patterns Visuals Goals:
Improve insight Decrease emotional reactivity Reduce dysfunction
Address various angles of the narrative
- Slide 11
- Family of Origin Family of Origin Cook, J.M., & Poulsen,
S.S. (2011) From planned cognitions to here and now reactions
Experiencing the photographs again
- Slide 12
- Exercise: Set Your Marriage Table (Smith, R. L., 2006, p.81-82)
1. Sit down together and list all the people who are seated at your
marriage table, those who play a role in your life. 2. When you
have created your joint list, take some time individually to place
the names around your table. On separate sheets of paper, draw a
big rectangular shape, representing your table. Place you and your
partner at the center. Then, spreading out from each side, write
the names from your list, as if you were making place cards for
your table. 3. Share your results. How do your seating plans at the
marriage table differ? Talk about your reasons for seating people
where you did. Are there people who dont belong at your marriage
table at all? Be honest about describing the roles others will play
in your lives.
- Slide 13
- Exercise: Set Your Marriage Table (Continued) 4. Take a third
sheet of a paper, and draw a new rectangular shape. This will be
the tale you set together. Take plenty of time naming your final
seating arrangements at the marriage table. You may want to work on
it over the course of a week or two, until youre both satisfied.
Keep in mind that your Marriage Table seating plan isnt permanent.
You can-and should-reset it as your lives evolve and change.
(Births, deaths, new friends, job changes, etc.) 5. Establish a
date once a year (not your anniversary, New Years Day, or other
significant dates) when you will review the place cards and rest
your Marriage Table. Choose a time when you are both not charged or
depleted from other events.
- Slide 14
- Cognitive Behavioral Methods Cognitive- Behavioral Therapies
Identifying/challenging toxic thought patterns * Individually *
Relationally Identifying behavioral goals
- Slide 15
- Challenging Thought Patterns Shoulds Why? if only ____, then
_____ Have tos _____ enough Absolutes: always/never Right/wrong
Good/bad _____
- Slide 16
- Thinking Error Types 1) Awfulizing/Catastrophizing- Predicting
only negative outcomes for the future: ____ is awful, terrible,
catastrophic or as bad as it could possibly be, If ___ happens my
life is over. 2) Disqualifying/Discounting- Overlooking the
positive and only seeing the negative, believing that good things
dont count: I am sure even when my family complimented me they had
to because they are my relatives. They had to be nice. 3) All or
nothing- Viewing the situation on one end of extremes: If my boss
corrects me I must be the worst employee, If my child does
something wrong I failed as a parent, If I didnt pass one exam I am
an unsuccessful student. 4 Low Frustration Tolerance- Belief that
things should not be inconvenient: I cant stand _____ ; _____ is
too much and is intolerable or unbearable.
- Slide 17
- Thinking Error Types 5) Self Downing- Self deprecating
thoughts: I am no good, worthless, useless, and utter failure,
beyond hope or help, devoid of value. 6) Other downing- Derogatory
beliefs about others: You are no good, worthless, useless, an utter
failure, beyond hope, of no value 7) Emotional reasoning- Letting
emotions totally overrule facts to the contrary: I feel as if
everyone is talking about me. 8) Labeling- Giving a label or
stereotype without testing beliefs out: All of them are like that.
9) Mind reading- Trying to predict things based on limited aspects
of a situation: I know they will think Im poor because I cant
afford the latest clothes.
- Slide 18
- Thinking Error Types 10) Overgeneralization- Making broad
conclusions about an event based on limited information: My husband
doesnt love me because he is always busy when I am around. 11)
Personalization- Assuming that others behaviors are all about you:
My wife is quiet. Something must be on her mind. 12) Shoulds/musts-
Having an absolute concrete standard about how things ought to be:
Successful people in life only get As in school.
- Slide 19
- Exercise: 10 Commandments of Healthy Relationships Beliefs
regarding values in healthy relationships Beliefs regarding
communication Beliefs regarding conflict and problem solving
Beliefs regarding decision making Beliefs regarding his/hers
roles
- Slide 20
- Warning Signs of Toxic Thinking (Bernstein, J.- 2004, p. 31) IF
YOU DO THESE YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM WHO NEEDS TO CHANGE
HIS/HER THINKING. 1. Often end up arguing about something other
than the original problem or issue 2. Cant remember why the
argument started 3. Label the other partner negatively (critical
adjectives, negative personality descriptions) 4. Feel like you
cant make the other partner understand how you feel 5. Say things
you later regret 6. Apologize for saying something mean to your
partner even though you still believe it is true 7. Use words like
always, never, and should when referring to your partner
- Slide 21
- Warning Signs of Toxic Thinking (Bernstein, J.- 2004, p. 31) 8.
Bring up past issues or arguments- even ones you thought were
resolved- in a hostile way during current arguments 9. Have
declared certain topics off limits to your partner during
disagreements and wont let your partner talk about what he or she
needs to resolve- its all about your comfort only 10. Exaggerate or
accuse others of exaggerating problems 11. Use bad argument
behavior: scream, yell, threaten, blame, name call, go in the other
room and lock your spouse out 13. Misperceptions: thinking it is
always your spouse who pushes your buttons when you really start
the arguments 14. Dont have the skills to discuss and communicate
well or problem solve so you avoid talking about problems - this
actually escalates things and makes the other feel he/she is not
valuable and what they need does not matter
- Slide 22
- Thought Stopping Tell self to slow down. Stop, (name), stop.
Make it a habit to pause- living in maybe/wait rather than just yes
and no immediately.
- Slide 23
- Identifying The Thought Patterns Consider the following
scenarios and note the irrational or distorted thoughts or areas in
which thoughts have thinking errors in them that may be
contributing to relationship problems.
- Slide 24
- Thought Errors My friend is quiet today. I know it is just a
matter of time before she leaves like everyone else in my life. I
never had any good interaction with one of those people. They are
slow, mindless, and just want to tell stories. They do not do
anything useful in their lives.
- Slide 25
- Thought Errors It feels like everyones eyes are on me. I know
they all think I am a loser. I see the way they look at me. The
only reason they were kind to me is because I am the new person in
the neighborhood. They really think that I am the strange out of
town person who does not fit in.
- Slide 26
- Thought Errors I must be the worst mother in the world because
my son got a D on his test. I am the ugliest creature created. Look
at my face. It is uneven. My head looks like an egg. I have too
many pimples. And I am so red that I look like sunburnt year
round.
- Slide 27
- Thought Errors Nothing good ever happens to me, At every bend
there are only negative things. I know that things will not turn
out well at my job interview. I must be good, strong, perfect to be
happy with myself in life. I have to drive this old clunker and
wear thrift store clothes. People really must think I am a poor
loser. I know when they see me in their neighborhood they will look
down on me.
- Slide 28
- Thought Errors There is nothing at all good about me. I just
made a mistake on my test. As hard as I try how could I do that?
Other people make mistakes but not me. Some of the people in class
dont like me. It is awful, unbearable. I should not even try to
show my face in school. It is miserable if people do not like you.
Everyone should think you are the nice, good, fun, popular girl out
there or there is not use.
- Slide 29
- Challenging Attributions 1) Am I ascribing something like This
situation happened because ______? 2) Am I making a judgment about
another persons personality because of this event? What am I
telling myself about what this means? (Because this happened, it
means--- e.g he/she doesnt love me/we are getting a divorce/we
should have never gotten married)
- Slide 30
- Challenging Attributions 3) Am I using adjectives to describe
the other persons personality, intentions rather than simply
describing the behavior? (e.g. You are always so lazy. You never
care about our house. versus I am concerned about the amount of
cleaning we still have to do. I realize we have busy tiring jobs
but I am wondering how we plan to get the dishes done and get our
things set up for tomorrow plus help the kids to finish their
homework. How do we plan to get to divide these things up- any
ideas?) 4) Is the way Im thinking about this definitely 100% a
fact? 5) Is there any other way of looking at the situation? Come
up with at least three exceptions. 6) Have I assumed that because
something is (perceive by me to be) such and such way that I am
powerless over it?
- Slide 31
- Attributions Checking Exercise: 1) Every time I need something
done around here it seems my spouse has something better to do.
He/she would just rather do anything but spend time with me. 2) My
spouse and I had planned to have a romantic evening together. Now
he/she is 45 minutes late getting here and I have not gotten a
phone call yet. I am sure he/she is up to no good. I knew I was not
the priority anyway. 3) My spouse cant stand to be around me. As
soon as he/she gets home it is time to hop on the computer. Video
games and internet are all he/she cares about.
- Slide 32
- Attributions Checking Exercise: 4) My husband sees the laundry
on the stairs and walks right over it. I know he thinks it is all
my job. He doesnt want to help me with anything. 5) My wife knows I
had that big meeting today and when I got home the food wasnt even
ready and the kids were frantic. She doesnt respect me at all and
all my hard work.
- Slide 33
- Watch Video on CEU Videos on Website: www.rolpc.org
Interpersonal Relationships: Adults and Marriage about how to do
attributions checking
- Slide 34
- Exercise: Your Marital ATM (Smith, R.L, 2006, p.128) Think
about the past week. List five credits you put into your marital
ATM. (For example, you cooked dinner three times and took your
mother-in-law shopping without complaining). 1. 2. 3. 4 5. List
five debits you took out of your marital ATM. (For example, you
talked about your work problems for an hour, or you slept in while
your partner fixed breakfast). 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
- Slide 35
- TASKDESCRIPTIONPOINTS WHY How do you decide the worth or value
of tasks? How do you decide who does which tasks? Is there any
meaning you have assigned to doing or not doing a task?
- Slide 36
- Communication Concerns Orathinal, J. & Vansteenswegen, A.,
2006 Attention/Listening (being the most important person in your
partners life) Versus Privacy (withdrawing, staying in own world by
self, distancing for individual hobbies and interests) Personal
space Versus Intrusion Discrepancies regarding what physical
appearance looks good Differences of opinions about roles
- Slide 37
- Territorial Method of Counseling Orathinal, J. &
Vansteenswegen, A., 2006 Who owns the task? What executes the task?
What can I do to get you to assist me or to change your task on ___
day? Who loses what if the other usurps the task? What does each
consider his or her needs in the task? What weapons does each use
to try and make the other do/avoid certain tasks?
- Slide 38
- Expressing Feelings Both children and adults who express
feelings: More likeable More intelligent Personable and friendly
Better social development Involves how to express, when to express,
and expressing in balanced ways Expression with dignity and
restraint (e.g. anger mgmt.)
- Slide 39
- Understanding All My Feelings FeelingHow My Body FeelsThoughts
and Behaviors SadTense, drained, tired, exhausted, bored,
discouraged Frown, muscles paining, tears in eyes, isolate myself,
I dont care about anything. Happy Angry Anxious
- Slide 40
- I Messages I feel ______________ when/because
___________________ and in the future I want ________________.
- Slide 41
- Using Your Words YOU MESSAGESI MESSAGES BlameNo blame
ThreatenUnderstanding Divide each persons Hurt point of view Focus
on the PastFocus on Solutions Use Absolute termsEach person takes
responsibility for his/her part I feel _________ when /because
______ and in the future Id like __________ to happen.
- Slide 42
- Changing You Messages to I Messages You Message I Message You
never let me share my opinions. You always do things your way.
Thats all that matters. I am sure you think I just wasted my day
sitting on my hind end doing nothing. You need to control your
emotions. You are too out of hand.
- Slide 43
- Changing You Messages to I Messages We will never be able to
get this done now after what you did. I thought we were supposed to
be a team but apparently not according to you. Ill never be your
priority. All your buddies will always be more important to you
than I will be.
- Slide 44
- Exercises: I Messages What went well? What do you hope to
continue? 1) You are usually hesitant to share your own feelings on
things but this time you approached your family and you felt
acknowledged. 2) You saved up money for one year to be able to put
a down payment on a car. People never thought you could do it
because you are usually an impulsive spender.
- Slide 45
- Exercises: I Messages 3) You have kept so busy that you
generally have not eaten healthy in the past. Now with the
partnership of a close friend you have both gotten on a healthy
eating and exercise regimen and feel better about yourself. 4) You
never really learned healthy interactions between adults in your
family of origin because dad was an alcoholic and mom was
codependent. After some of your own counseling you have been able
to develop prosocial skills to the point that now after some years
single you are happily married with good open communication.
- Slide 46
- Listening to the Speaker (Perspective Taking) 1. Experiences-
what is happening 2. Behaviors- what he or she is doing or not
doing 3. Feelings/Emotions- expressed or implied 4. Thoughts and
Beliefs- internal cognitions and perceptions
- Slide 47
- Exercise: The Wise Men and the Elephant Read the story. Discuss
how limiting things to our own perspective can hinder us from
seeing what we need to see in a situation. Explore how
incorporating many perspectives may help give a fuller picture of
things? Generalize: how can this be used with situations in the
clients life?
- Slide 48
- THE COMMUNICATION GAME 1) So are you feel _________ ? 2) Are
you feeling ________ because ___________ ? 3) In the future you
would like ________ to happen? Get three yeses before moving
on.
- Slide 49
- The Communication Game Helps to correct false assumptions.
Demonstrates to that the other is worthy of being respected and
heard. Immediate Honest Supportive Specific
- Slide 50
- Empathy: Putting Yourself In Someones Shoes When someone tells
you of an event listen to their experience, feels, thoughts, and
what they wish happened. What did they hope for? What actually
happened? What do they want from here?
- Slide 51
- Exercise: Putting Yourself In Someone Elses Shoes Your good
friend has told you about her aunt dying. She cant imagine life
without her since she raised her when her own bio. parents
abandoned her. Your buddy from work has been through so much. His
house caught on fire, his money was stolen, and the company you
both worked for shut down so he is without a job.
- Slide 52
- Empathy: Putting Yourself In Someones Shoes Your friend had
been dating someone for nearly ten years. She was sure he was the
one. Then he suddenly broke up with her and she does not know what
to do.
- Slide 53
- Variation of Communication Exercise Variation of Communication
Exercise Parr, P., Boyle, R. A., & Tejada, E.L.(2008). Sitting
back to back without distraction of nonverbals With each having a
notepad listening for what words are important and emotionally
laden to other. Ability to draw what the other is saying
- Slide 54
- Mixed Feelings Usually feelings are not just pleasant or
unpleasant. It is realistic in life to have co-occurring differing
types of feelings.
- Slide 55
- Examples: Mixed Feelings You just gave birth to a new baby
after waiting for so long to get pregnant but the baby has
developmental delays. You have finally found someone who you would
consider your very best friend. She told you that in one month she
and her husband will be moving overseas for his job.
- Slide 56
- Empathy with Behavior Change Start with I message about the
perceived event and your feelings Share your goals. Ask a request.
Find out what the other would be willing to do. Example: I feel
confused when you started sharing a story about your work day and
then you changed topics. Id like to understand what happened at
work today. Would you be willing to repeat yourself? Could we talk
about the next topic after we finish talking about school?
- Slide 57
- Empathy with Behavior Change I do not agree with your
perception of that event but I am willing to hear how you came to
that conclusion. Can we review the incident please? I am worried
about you drinking alone with the neighbor woman and telling her
about our problems. I think that can create a situation which makes
it more likely for an affair to happen
again.___________________________________________________ I am
concerned when time passes and I do not get a phone call about
where you are. I dont know what is happening then.
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
- Slide 58
- Attending, Focusing & Listening Skill Development Self
evaluation (ongoing self awareness and management) Awareness of
nonverbals (sitting in seat, direction of body, movement) Reminding
self what am I supposed to be doing? When helpful use a concrete
cue to signify who is the speaker (e.g. object)
- Slide 59
- Listening Assessment 1. Do you ignore people when they say
something you do not want to hear? 2.Do you concentrate more on the
speakers appearance, mannerisms, or accent rather than the content
of what they are saying? 3. Do you assume you already know what
they are going to say before they say it? 4. Do you shut off
listening when you disagree with someone? 5. Do you only listen for
facts instead of getting the big picture and the whole idea? 6. Do
you look around and pay attention to many things around you when
someone is talking?
- Slide 60
- Listening Assessment 7. Do you just listen and not take notes
or find later that you dont have much written down about what was
said? 8. Do you hear outside noises that distract you from the
speaker? 9. Do you take each situation as something new rather than
trying to connect things to what you already know? 10. Do you only
do homework only when it is assigned instead of reviewing something
and keeping up each day? 11.Do you close your mind off to any new
ideas that differ from your own? 12. Do you slouch, fidget, or find
it hard to look at and pay attention to the speaker?
- Slide 61
- Listening Assessment 13. Do you sit in the back or sides where
it is easier to get distracted instead of choosing a front or
center seat to pay attention? 14. Do you have trouble knowing how
and when to ask questions? 15. Do you sometimes just stay quiet and
not ask anything even when you really need help?
- Slide 62
- Ways To Improve Listening Practice listening and attending
skills even when you think you can guess ahead what is going to be
said. Focus on the message, not details like the persons looks,
voice, and accent. Learn how to hear differing points of view and
to take perspectives. Use techniques to aid memory like note
taking, peg words, visualization, drawings, and linking things
together. Frequently ask yourself, what am I supposed to be
doing?
- Slide 63
- Ways To Improve Listening Be prepared to listen by reviewing
ahead/daily. Choose seating and positioning that will minimize
distractions. Have a way to record your thoughts and emotions on
paper as the other is speaking so you do not interrupt. Dont assume
you know anything. Use empathy and paraphrasing skills to check in.
Practice listening It does not come naturally.
- Slide 64
- Nonverbal Listening 93 % or more of the message Body language
Eye contact- attentive without staring Gestures Posture Facial
expressions Tone of voice
- Slide 65
- Videos: Improving Communication Watch Interpersonal
Relationships: Child and Parents Watch Interpersonal Relationships:
Employers Watch Interpersonal Relationships: Women To see examples
of how I Messages, empathy, paraphrasing and clarification can be
used to improve communication (on website: www.rolpc.org)
- Slide 66
- Suggestions for communication with men: 1. Start with the end
result. 2. State the role expectation: Support Listening
Encouragement Understanding Agreement Problem solving
(operationalize) 3. Fill in the details.
- Slide 67
- Ten Commandments of Clean Communication Avoid judgmental words.
Avoid global labels. Avoid you messages of blame and accusation.
Avoid old history. Avoid negative comparisons. Avoid threats.
Describe your feelings rather than attack with them. Keep body
language open and receptive.
- Slide 68
- Love Languages Chapman, G., 1992 Words of Affirmation the more
you receive, the easier it is to give even if most of the time it
feels like things are not gong well, find something to compliment
remember that tone and nonverbals either give support and
affirmation for or against the message Quality Time- undivided
attention turning off all distractions including TV, cell phones,
etc. define togetherness without interruption and with attendance
to feelings
- Slide 69
- Love Languages Chapman, G., 1992 3. Gift Giving 4. Acts of
Service doing things your spouse would like you to do being eager
to help requesting, not demanding phrased as options 5. Physical
Touch shows I need you and I want you.
- Slide 70
- Love Languages Go to www.rolpc.org. Watch the video example on
love languages.www.rolpc.org
- Slide 71
- Cognitive Reframing Instead of if he/she would. Use: If I could
just get a grip on _____ then wed finally be happy. Watch where you
put your BUTs: __________ BUT __________.
- Slide 72
- Telling Yourself The Whole Truth Using the toxic though
scenarios change statements to more balanced responses which tell
the whole rational, realistic truth. Apply the technique: I
feel/think _____________ BUT ________________.
- Slide 73
- Telling Yourself The Whole Truth My friend is quiet today. I
know it is just a matter of time before she leaves like everyone
else in my life. I never had any good interaction with one of those
people. They are slow, mindless, and just want to tell stories.
They do not do anything useful in their lives.
- Slide 74
- Telling Yourself The Whole Truth It feels like everyones eyes
are on me. I know they all think I am a loser. I see the way they
look at me. The only reason they were kind to me is because I am
the new person in the neighborhood. They really think that I am the
strange out of town person who does not fit in.
- Slide 75
- Telling Yourself The Whole Truth I must be the worst mother in
the world because my son got a D on his test. I am the ugliest
creature created. Look at my face. It is uneven. My head looks like
an egg. I have too many pimples. And I am so red that I look like
sunburnt year round.
- Slide 76
- Telling Yourself The Whole Truth Nothing good ever happens to
me, At every bend there are only negative things. I know that
things will not turn out well at my job interview. I must be good,
strong, perfect to be happy with myself in life. I have to drive
this old clunker and wear thrift store clothes. People really must
think I am a poor loser. I know when they see me in their
neighborhood they will look down on me.
- Slide 77
- Telling Yourself The Whole Truth There is nothing at all good
about me. I just made a mistake on my test. As hard as I try how
could I do that? Other people make mistakes but not me. Some of the
people in class dont like me. It is awful, unbearable. I should not
even try to show my face in school. It is miserable if people do
not like you. Everyone should think you are the nice, good, fun,
popular girl out there or there is no use.
- Slide 78
- Cultivating A Sense of Oneness Dream together: I have always
wanted ______. When I was a child I thought of _____. If we had the
time or money I would love for us to _____. Helps practice empathy
on the part of the listener Helps refocus on development of united
goals Redefines things in concrete, behavioral terms Can be used
well with solution focused counseling
- Slide 79
- Cultivating A Sense of Oneness Steps: 1. Person #1 shares about
a dream while the other listens and empathizes. 2. Person #2 shows
interest in the dream by asking questions such a the following. (do
NOT get into the feasibility of the dream): (see Gottman, p.145):
What is important to your about this dream? What is the most
important part? Is there a story behind this for you? Tell me that
story. Is there something from your life history that relates to
that story? Tell me all the feelings that you have about that
dream. Are there any feelings you left out? What do you wish for
here?
- Slide 80
- Cultivating A Sense of Oneness What would be your ideal dream
here? How do you imagine things would be if you got what you
wanted? Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you? Does
this relate to some belief or value for you? Do you have some fear
about not having this dream honored? Do you imagine some disaster?
3. The couple plan some small step or goal toward the dream.
- Slide 81
- Setting Behavioral Goals Concrete Specific Manageable
Achievable With accountability for follow through
- Slide 82
- Making Behavior Requests Talk only from own point of view.
Describe desired behavior. Ask if spouse is willing to do request.
Define: timeframe, how measured, frequency, etc.
- Slide 83
- Exercise: Behavioral Requests How can you improve the following
to be more effective? 1) The dishes and household chores are never
done around here. This apartment looks like pig sty!!! 2) We just
dont do things together. It is like we are from two different
worlds anymore.
- Slide 84
- Exercise: Behavioral Requests 3) At least John and Mary make
time for dates between their schedules. What do we have for us
anymore? 4) (Looking at pictures) I remember when we used to be
able to talk about anything. 5) Cathy is over here all the time.
She just doesnt have a life of her own.
- Slide 85
- Video: Behavior Requests Notice how the communication improves
if behavior requests are made reasonably, specifically, and with
willingness to adapt if need be. Watch: Making Behavior Requests
video for this seminar on www.rolpc.org
- Slide 86
- Exercise: Making Pleasers List What Pleases Your Partner-
Observe Considerate acts Communication exchanges Child care
Financial decisions Intimacy, touching Leisure activities Helping
with household chores Employment Hugs Compliments Listening to
Opinions: Rather than giving advice
- Slide 87
- What Pleases Your Partner- Observe Considerate acts
Communication exchanges Child care Financial decisions Intimacy,
touching Leisure activities Helping with household chores
Employment Hugs Compliments Listening to Opinions: Rather than
giving advice
- Slide 88
- What Pleases Your Partner- Observe Rate each: 1-3 of importance
and give to your spouse. Spouse: dont include anything on the list
you are not willing to do. Focus on behaviors instead of attitudes.
Develop a contract about what each is willing to do. Make
statements of verbal commitment to your spouse.
- Slide 89
- Nonverbal Communication Builder Goal: getting used to being
with each other Face each other, stare into each others eyes Use
graduated steps (30 secs., 1 minute, etc). Learn to become
comfortable around your spouse. Learn to look deep into the other
rather than getting distracted by issues that may be superficial or
distract from the heart of things
- Slide 90
- Building Emotional Closeness Act like you are having an affair
with your spouse. Plan the getaway. Be creative. Pretend you are on
a first special date. Pretend you are making love for the first
time. Make cute, loving, seductive, faces at each other, Develop
your own romantic language. Write loving or even spicy letters to
your spouse. Be aware of what clothing, hairstyles, mannerisms
attract your spouse and do more of that.
- Slide 91
- Conflict Management & Problem Solving Assertiveness versus
aggression or passivity Confronting behaviors Aggressive response:
Your meetings are always more important than me! Youll never care
about me or make me a priority! Passive response: okay dear. Have a
good day. Assertive response: Im sure Ill cope but in the future Id
like for you to arrange to give me at least one week advance notice
if possible.
- Slide 92
- Learning Healthy Assertiveness Examples: #1 I have a meeting
tonight so dont have one of your stupid attitudes and mess things
up. Aggressive response: Your meetings are always more important
than me! Youll never care about me or make me a priority! Passive
response: okay dear. Have a good day. Assertive response: Im sure
Ill cope but in the future Id like for you to arrange to give me at
least one week advance notice if possible.
- Slide 93
- Learning Healthy Assertiveness #2 Your mother just interferes
with everything and messes it up. She better not be here when I get
back! Aggressive response: At least she talks to me more than you
ever do! Passive response: Well you know how she is. Assertive
response: I know it is annoying to you when she is here, especially
when we lose track of time. Perhaps you could give me some signals
to let me know when you are about to come home so I can wind
up.
- Slide 94
- Learning Healthy Assertiveness #3 You dont do anything around
the house! Aggressive response: If you cant appreciate what I do
then just leave. Someone else will appreciate me. Passive response:
Well Ill get to it soon. Assertive response: It may be frustrating
seeing things more messy here than wed like. Ive had such a busy
day. If you dont mind we can talk later and decide how we can get
things accomplished.
- Slide 95
- Alternative Self Statements I can take a deep breath. I have a
choice here. I will do _________________. I am not responsible for
other peoples behavior. I can remain mature even when the other
person keeps it up by doing ____________________. Instead of
staying in the situation I can go _______________________. I dont
have to keep quiet about what they have done to me. I can talk to
_________ about it. I can choose alternative activities. There are
many things I like to do. I am not stuck. Now I will do
_______________.
- Slide 96
- Eight Aversive Strategies In Terms Of Anger Reactions
Discounting- shaming people into agreeing with you
Withdrawal/abandonment- Do what I want or Im leaving., giving the
emotional deep freeze Threats- a partner actively hurts the other
to control them Blaming- stating that all problems are the other
persons issues Belittling/denigrating- using fear or shame to
manipulate the other into doing something Guilt tripping- blaming
other for the responsibility of contributing to problems Derailing-
switching the conversational focus as a means of controlling things
Taking away- withdrawing pleasure, time, attention, environment,
affection, etc.
- Slide 97
- Timing 1. Take a break when communication goes beyond a certain
amount of time without empathy and progression toward understanding
and support. 2. During the break each person should write I
Messages describing how he or she feelings, his. Or her perception
of the incident, and verbalizing expectations for the future. 3. In
the meantime while waiting for the time frame to elapse spend time
focusing on something relaxing and incongruent with building
resentment. 4. Learn to start up your conversation in a soft way or
pause until you are able to use the I Messages in a calm tone of
voice. 5. Accept your partners responses as well. 6. Make a
behavior request for what you need. Phrase these as questions and
options. Be willing to negotiate for an in between step if
necessary. 7. Express appreciation throughout to your spouse for
hearing attending and listening to (even if not agreeing with)
you.
- Slide 98
- Rules For Time Outs No final words. Leave immediately. Set a
time to come back together. Dont use drugs or alcohol. Dont
rehearse what to say next. Do an alternative behavior instead.
Check in with each other when you get back. Plan ahead for problem
times.
- Slide 99
- Video Clip: Timing Watch video clip Timing in Relationships for
this seminar on www.rolpc.org
- Slide 100
- Fighting Fair Consider your relationship a long - term
commitment not to be discarded because of one disagreement, no
matter how serious it may be. Agree always to listen to each others
feelings, even if you consider those feelings inappropriate Commit
your selves to both honesty and acceptance Determine to attempt to
care for each other unconditionally with partner assuming 100
percent of the responsibility for resolving conflict(a 50/50
concept seldom works) Consider all the factors in a conflict before
bringing up the conflict to your partner
- Slide 101
- Fighting Fair Limit the conflict to the here and now never
bring up past failures since all past failures should already have
been forgiven Eliminate the following phrases from your vocabulary:
You never or you always I cant (always substitute Wont) Ill try
(usually this means Ill make a half hearted effort but wont quite
succeed) You should or you shouldnt (these are parent to child
statements) Limit the discussion to one issue that is the center of
conflict. Focus on that issue rather than attacking each
other(personhood).
- Slide 102
- Fighting Fair Offer your partner some time to think about the
conflict before discussing it(but never put it off overnight). Each
partner should use I feel messages expressing a response to
whatever words or behavior aroused the conflict. For example, I
feel angry towards you for coming home late without calling me
first is an adult message that is appropriate between spouses
whereas you should always call me when youre going to be late for
supper is apparent to child message. Such an order causes the mate
to be come defensive. Never say anything derogatory about your
partners personality. Proverbs 11:12 tells us, to quarrel with a
neighbour is foolish; a man with good sense holds his tongue. Even
though your partner wont always be right consider him or her an
instrument of God working in your life.
- Slide 103
- Fighting Fair Never counter attack, even if your partner does
not follow these guidelines. Dont tell your partner why you think
he or she does whatever it is(unless you are asked). Rather, stick
to how you feel about what is done Dont try to read your partners
mind. If you are not sure what was meant by something said ask for
clarification Be honest about your true emotions but keep them
under control. Proverbs 15:18 reminds us, a quick tempered man
starts fights a cool tempered man tries to stop them. Remember that
the resolution of the conflict is what important, not who wins or
loses is. If the conflict is resolved, you both win. Youre on the
same team, not opposing, competing teams. Agree with each other on
what topics are out of bounds because they are too hurtful or have
already been discussed (bad habits, continued obesity, time
consuming hobbies and so on). Pray about each conflict before
discussing it with your partner.
- Slide 104
- Solution-Focused Relationships Ideas of How To Be Positive In
The Midst of Concerns Compliment what has gone well. Speak about
what has made a positive difference for you. Talk about
specifically what behaviors, attitudes, actions are effective Make
regular time for reminiscing about what goes right.
- Slide 105
- Solution Focused Approaches Have part of your regular
discussion focus on what is going well. Create plans for how to
keep those things going well.
- Slide 106
- Solution Focused Approaches Exercises: My husband/wife is
stubborn and selfish.I am encouraged that I am married to a person
who knows what he believes in. My spouse is a lazy bum who just
wants to fly by the seat of his/her pants. He/she never prepares
for anything. My friend is boring and dull and never lets us have
fun because the are so frugal. My coworker is so planned and
uptight about everything. My classmate just has unrealistic
expectations. They think things will turn out right if you just
wait and trust.
- Slide 107
- Video Clip: Solution Focused Couples Notice how the adults
focus on what has gone well in spite of problem areas. They build
on strengths rather than magnify weaknesses. Watch Solution Focused
Marriage Counseling for this seminar on www.rolpc.org
- Slide 108
- Accepting Differences Being tolerant of people who are not
exactly like us Showing respect for different ways of doing things
Allowing many means to an end
- Slide 109
- Exercise: Accepting Differences 1) Organization is very
important to you. You like making sure that things are put up and
in their place right after they are used. But your roommate says
she just wants some days to relax and then spends certain days
really cleaning and organizing. That is hard for you because to you
it feels like some things are always left undone.
- Slide 110
- Exercise: Accepting Differences 2) When you talk to your spouse
you like to reveal the details of things but your spouse doesnt
want to take much time and just wants to highlight the main points.
3) At your fast food job one of the supervisors is very particular
about how the burgers are placed on the grill but the other ones
are flexible about what system you use as long as cleanliness and
professional standards of some sort are followed. You have to work
with different supervisors different days.
- Slide 111
- Exercise: Accepting Differences 4) Your style is for someone to
let you know what they need done and then to trust you to do it but
your boss seems to have her eyes on your every move. She watches
you like a hawk while you work.
- Slide 112
- Prioritizing Your Relationship 1.Security-the knowledge of
permanence in the relationship and of financial and material
well-being 2. Companionship- having a friend who goes through the
joys and sorrows of life with you, a soul partner that has common
areas of interest Sex- the oneness that comes through physical
intimacy in marriage, the initiation and enjoyment of a growing
physical relationship 4. Understanding and tenderness- experiencing
regularly the touch, the kiss, the wink across the room that says,
I love you, I care, Im thinking of you 5. Encouragement-having
someone verbally support and appreciate your work and effort in
your profession in your home, with the children, and so on. 6.
Intellectual closeness- discussing and growing together in common
areas of intellectual thought 7. Mutual activity-Doing things
together in politics, sports, church work,hobbies,etc
- Slide 113
- Hope Focused Counseling Remembering what worked Building on
strengths Causing couple to daydream again- we/us Looking at areas
of growth areas as a strength rather than a weakness LOVE acrostic
as a way of resolving conflicts: (L = listen and reflect; O =
observe your effects; V = value your mate; E = evaluate both
partners' interests
- Slide 114
- Hope Focused Counseling Teaching them to TANGO (communication
skills): take turns in talking, understand how they affect each
other, and listen to each other. TAN: T = Tell what happened
clearly and briefly, A = describe how the situation Affected you, N
= give a Nurturing statement. Then the listener responds with the
GO: G= did I Get it? Reflect back what they heard, and O = Observe
the effects of the conversation and comment on them.
- Slide 115
- Key Questions Couples Need Answered Key Questions Couples Need
Answered Johnson, S., M. (2007) Are you there for me when I need
you? Do you care? Will you respond when I need it, not when you
choose to respond? Can I be safe, secure, myself around you? Can I
trust you? Are you dependable and reliable? Do I believe that at
the core you care about my interest? What really matters? Are you
accessible to me?
- Slide 116
- Key Questions Couples Need Answered Key Questions Couples Need
Answered Johnson, S., M. (2007) Do I fear unpredictability? Do I
get signals that the other may not be there for me if I bring up
certain topics or needs? Goal of Therapy: Create new bonding
moments
- Slide 117
- Handling Change Change can be prepared for Two categories: what
I can and cant control What I wished What I cant controlWhat I can
do
- Slide 118
- Exercises: Handling Change SituationWhat I cant controlWhat I
can do
- Slide 119
- Dealing With Something I Cant Have SAY I would like to have
_____ but I cant have it right now. THINK about other choices: Ask
again later. Find something else to do. Ask to borrow it. Ask to
share it. Ask to do things to earn one. Wait your turn. Accept that
you are not allowed with a good attitude.
- Slide 120
- The Relationship Pyramid
- Slide 121
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useful questions in couples therapy. ANZJFT, 26 (2), 61-64. Parr,
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communication exercise for couples. Contemporary Family Therapy,
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