Blame game

Stop the Blame Game!

Stop the Blame Game!

and save your organization, yourself, and those you work with stress, aggravation, and conflict

and save your organization, yourself, and those you work with stress, aggravation, and conflict

Kalli Matsuhashi, MA, LPExecutive Confidante

www.ExecConf.com | Kalli@ExecConf.com

Kalli Matsuhashi, MA, LPExecutive Confidante

www.ExecConf.com | Kalli@ExecConf.com

Introductions

Kalli Matsuhashi, MA, LP

Executive Confidante

Name, position, hopes for today

What’s the greatest threat to your team or organization?

Brainstorm

Cycle of frustration, blame, defensiveness, aggressive reactions, lack of trust, fear, “us v. them” mentality, CONFLICT

What would the benefits be?

If you, your team, your organization was able to end the cycle of frustration and blame?

If you were able to work from a basis of trust rather than mistrust and negativity?

Brainstorm!

The truth is...

Most people care deeply about their work, their reputations, and want to give and receive respect

Most people want to be part of a healthy, functioning group

So why is conflict so prevalent?

People can feel hurt, and often they will back away

This backing away can be seen as any number of things - arrogance, being “cold,” uncaring, etc.

Without information, people will misconstrue the meaning of this backing away

Fortunately...

For many people, there seems to be an innate drive to resolve conflict, to get along

People want to be successful and have good relationships in their endeavors

Conflict causes stress

So?

Health implications - Discuss

Handout from APA on health-related effects of stress

What causes conflict?Is it the bad guy’s fault?

Usually the result of predictable mistakes made by good people with good intentions

Person A makes an error, Person B reacts - it’s the interplay between error & reaction that is at the root of conflict!

Results in less collaboration, poor problem solving, distorted information, malicious speculation

Common reactions to mistakes

Mistake Belittle, Shame Payoffs

• To sidestep own disappointing results, to look superior, to bond with others, to express indignation

• Shrugs, eye rolls, cutting remarks, gossip

• “Contempt”

• A good zinger draws a crowd, gets the person doing the shaming an adrenaline rush, gets a laugh

The downsides to this pattern?Fear, disrespect, cynicism, distrust, negativity, poor performance

Preferred reactions to mistakes

Mistake Cooperation Payoffs• To benefit a co-worker,

the organization, one’s own sense of pride; because one is aware of the positive power in this choice. Feeds the higher aspirations of the individual, the team, the organization

• Feels good! Rewarding, can feel proud of one’s choice of response and behavior

The downsides to this pattern?Insecurities don’t get fed, lose a vindictive bolt of energy that comes from blame and self-righteous indignation...

Yes, but...

Those mistakes can be frustrating!

Errors can lead to delays, disagreements, disappointments

The frustration they cause can have a cascading effect

Need to manage frustrations!

It’s usually not the event itself that is such a cause of stress, but rather our thoughts & feelings about it

“What’s the source of all of this frustration I’m feeling???”

Problems begin when we seek the source in the people around us or in ourselves

3 choices of response

Hostile! helpless... Appreciation• Reflexive• Inflammatory• Negative energy• Targets others• Low productivity• Long-term failure

• Reflexive• Harsh self-criticism• Indifferent; Low

energy• Targets self• Low productivity• People withdraw

• Reflective• Analytical but warm• Positive energy• Targets situation• Optimal productivity• Sense of well-being

Reasons behind hostility or helplessness?

Family background & culture

Brain function (the amygdala vs. the frontal cortex)

Habit! (neural pathways...)

Frontal Cortex

Now that you know...

What is your typical response to frustration?

It’s the most important habit you bring to work and your life, especially if you are in a position of leadership

Let’s keep moving and consider these responses a little more in-depth

3 choices of response

Hostile! helpless... Appreciation• Reflexive• Inflammatory• Negative energy• Targets others• Low productivity• Long-term failure

• Reflexive• Harsh self-criticism• Indifferent; Low

energy• Targets self• Low productivity• People withdraw

• Reflective• Analytical but warm• Positive energy• Targets situation• Optimal productivity• Sense of well-being

BLAMEBLAME

The blame game & “Flooding ”

When blaming others, the brain WILL find data that makes the other person seem irrational & unreasonable

Blame exaggerates the significance of the event and the pervasiveness of its effects

End up with a physical as well as emotional reaction called “flooding”

When we put blame on others/self

We begin to believe that the trait we blame them for is permanent

We feel hopeless about finding a solution or that change might be possible

These reactions & beliefs tend to further fuel the negativity, hostile or helpless reactions, and cause more flooding!

Flooding leads to irrationality...

Flooding happens when our thoughts and feelings result in a rush of adrenaline and cortisol into the blood stream

When flooded, we simply can’t think rationally! We can’t see options, so we feel trapped, and choose “fight or flight”

At work, it’s likely to appear as a verbal attack on someone’s competence or character

Which leads to more negativity

Other employees pick up on these attacks and will often amplify negative attitudes, rumors, attacks, etc.

Distorted or negatively filtered data is often brought back to managers resulting in an escalation of the power struggle

Negative information become a commodity!

Further negative effectsWhen stress is present, these blaming responses and behaviors can become automatic or part of the organization’s culture

The more that hostility is tolerated, the more it tends to sink in its roots and spread like a nasty weed

Bad for the health of the organization, bad for the health of the individual

3 choices of response

Hostile! helpless... Appreciation• Reflexive• Inflammatory• Negative energy• Targets others• Low productivity• Long-term failure

• Reflexive• Harsh self-criticism• Indifferent; Low

energy• Targets self• Low productivity• People withdraw

• Reflective• Analytical but warm• Positive energy• Targets situation• Optimal productivity• Sense of well-being

BLAMEBLAME

Culture of appreciationWhen frustrated, look for the source in the situation, not the people

Assume the other person or people are reasonable and doing their best given the circumstances (they may be responding to something we know nothing about)

It’s using the frontal cortex of the brain rather than the fear/anger center of the brain (amygadala)

Response to crisis

Whether healthy or toxic does NOT depend on external stress, the business climate, the economy, profitability, the competition, or the severity of the crisis

WILL depend on the organization’s cultural response to frustration!

ReflectivePull together, optimize

opportunities, open communication, trust,

strength-building

ReflexiveBlame, mistrust,

negatively competitive factions,

fear, poor communication, toxic

vs.

How do I make the switch?

Choose your assumption!

• Someone’s stupidity?

• Your stupidity?

• Or is the reality hidden from view?

You’ll feel angry, irrational as you search for someone to blame, and then attack their reputation or role

You’ll just feel depressed, lethargic...

You’ll become curious, maybe concerned - Assuming the reality is hidden from view will allow you to reach out and begin a conversation!

Perceived payoffs are immediate, visible, but the costs are delayed & hidden!

Enough of the blame game!

problems not

dealt with

scapegoating damages credibilitybuilds resentment

allies to enemiesbecomes automaticdemoralizing

loss of trustbetrayal

no one is safe!

Build a better culture

Your response is your choice

It is an investment in thought and effort, but pays big dividends

The results can happen quickly!

Need help?

Individual, team, organizational coaching

Half-day workshops

Follow-ups to ensure lasting change