10 Simple Solutions to Shyness

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How to Overcome Shyness,Social Anxiety &

Fear of Public Speaking

imp eolutions

to Shyness

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SimpleSolutions toShyness

Martin M. Antony

 

Final Version

10

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Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books.

Copyright © 2004 by Martin M. AntonyNew Harbinger Publications, Inc.5674 Shattuck AvenueOakland, CA 94609

Cover design by Amy ShoupText design by Michele Waters

ISBN 1-57224-348-1 Paperback

All Rights Reserved

Printed in the United States of America

New Harbinger Publications’ Web site address: www.newharbinger.com

06 05 04

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

First printing

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Contents

Acknowledgments   vii

Introduction   1

1 Understanding Shyness and Social Anxiety   4

2Plan for Change   18

3 Change the Way You Think   25

4 Confront Anxiety-Provoking Situations   50

5

Change the Way You Communicate andImprove Your Relationships

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Acknowledgments

 

 

 

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Introduction

A

 

 

 

 

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UnderstandingShyness andSocial Anxiety

F  

 

 

 

1

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Understanding Shyness and Social Anxiety   5

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Shyness and Social Anxiety:Definitions

 

   

 

   

 

 

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The Components of Social Anxiety  

THE PHYSICAL PART

 

 

 

   

Understanding Shyness and Social Anxiety   7

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THE COGNITIVE PART

 

 

 

 

 

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THE BEHAVIORAL PART

 

 

 

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INTERACTIONS AMONG THE

THREE COMPONENTS

 

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Exercise: What Are the Components of  Your Social Anxiety?

 

 

 

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Who Experiences Social Anxiety?  

 

 

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Are Shyness and Social AnxietyAlways a Problem?  

 

 

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Causes of Social Anxiety  

 

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Exercise: How Shyness Interferes with

Your Life

 

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GENETICS.

 

 

 

THE BRAIN.

 

 

LEARNING.  

 

 

 

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ANXIOUS BELIEFS.  

 

 

ANXIOUS BEHAVIORS.

 

 

 

 

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Exercise: What Are the FactorsContributing to Your Social Anxiety?

 

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Effective Treatments for SocialAnxiety: An Overview

 

   

 

 

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Plan for Change

C

 

Is This the Best Time toMake Changes?

 

 

 

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Plan for Change   19

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The Costs and Benefits of Changing  

 

 

 

 

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Exercise: What Are the Costs andBenefits of Changing?

 

 

 

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Deciding What to Work On  

 

WHAT ARE THE SITUATIONS THAT TRIGGER MY ANXIETY?

WHICH OF THESE SITUATIONS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT TOME?

 

FOR WHICH OF THESE SITUATIONS IS MY ANXIETY GOING TOBE THE EASIEST TO CHANGE?

Plan for Change   21

Exercise: Rate the Situations That AreUncomfortable for You

 

 

 

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SETTING GOALS

 

 

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Plan for Change   23

Exercise: Make of List of Your Goals

 

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Keep Your Expectations Realistic

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Change theWay You Think

I

 

 

 

 

 

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Cognitive Therapy  

 

 

 

 

 

   

       

 

Change the Way You Think   27

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Identifying Your Anxious Thoughts

 

 

 

 

 

Levels of Negative Thinking

 

Change the Way You Think   29

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HOW FAULTY THINKING

CREATES ANXIETY  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ASSUMING THE WORST WILL OCCUR

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CATASTROPHIC THINKING

 

 

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ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING

     

 

 

 

 

 

MIND READING

   

 

 

Change the Way You Think   33

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PERSONALIZATION

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SELECTIVE ATTENTION AND MEMORY

   

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Figuring Out What You Are Thinking

 

 

 

 

Change the Way You Think   35

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Strategies for Changing YourAnxious Thoughts

 

 

 

Change the Way You Think   37

Exercise: Identify and Record YourAnxious Thoughts

 

 

 

 

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CONSIDER ALTERNATIVE BELIEFS

AND EXAMINE THE EVIDENCE

 

 

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Change the Way You Think   39

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Key Questions to Ask Yourself 

 

 

 

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Change the Way You Think   41

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COMBAT CATASTROPHIC THINKING

 

 

Change the Way You Think   43

Exercise: Evaluate the Evidence

 

 

 

 

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SHIFTING PERSPECTIVES

 

 

 

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Exercise: Record and Measure YourCatastrophic Thoughts

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Change the Way You Think   45

Exercise: Shift Your Perspective

 

 

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BEHAVIORAL EXPERIMENTS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Change the Way You Think   47

Exercise: Test and Record YourAnxious Beliefs

 

 

 

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Troubleshooting  

 

 

 

 

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Change the Way You Think   49

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ConfrontAnxiety-Provoking

Situations

I

 

 

 

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The Problem with Avoidance

 

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SAFETY BEHAVIORS AND

SOCIAL ANXIETY

 

 

 

 

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Confront Anxiety-Provoking Situations   53

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Planning for Exposure Therapy

 

 

 

 

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Exercise: List Your Safety Behaviors

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Developing an Exposure Hierarchy  

 

Confront Anxiety-Provoking Situations   55

Exercise: List the Variables That AffectYour Level of Anxiety

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SAMPLE HIERARCHY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Guidelines for Exposure Therapy  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Exercise: Create Your ExposureHierarchy

 

 

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EXPOSURES SHOULD BE PREDICTABLE AND UNDER YOURCONTROL.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EXPOSURES SHOULD BE PROLONGED.

 

 

 

EXPOSURES SHOULD BE FREQUENT.

 

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DON’T FIGHT YOUR FEAR.

 

 

ELIMINATE SAFETY BEHAVIORS.  

 

TAKE STEPS GRADUALLY, BUT TRY TO KEEP THINGS MOVING.

 

 

 

 

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PRACTICE EXPOSURE WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE, AND INDIFFERENT SETTINGS.

 

 

 

 

 

BE PREPARED FOR SETBACKS.  

DON’T TRY TO BE PERFECT.

 

 

 

 

EXPECT TO FEEL ANXIOUS.

 

 

   

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PLAN YOUR EXPOSURE PRACTICES IN ADVANCE.  

 

 

 

COMBAT NEGATIVE THINKING WITH COGNITIVE STRATEGIES. 

 

Exposure to Anxiety-ProvokingSituations

 

 

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PUBLIC SPEAKING AND PERFORMING

 

 

 

 

 

CASUAL SOCIAL CONTACT AND

SMALL TALK

 

 

 

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DEALING WITH CONFLICT AND THE

POSSIBILITY OF UPSETTING OTHERS

 

 

 

 

 

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BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EATING OR DRINKING IN FRONT

OF OTHERS

 

 

 

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WRITING IN FRONT OF OTHERS

 

 

 

 

 

 

JOB INTERVIEWS

 

 

 

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DEALING WITH AUTHORITY FIGURES

 

 

Exposure to Anxiety-ProvokingSensations

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Troubleshooting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Confront Anxiety-Provoking Situations   69

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Change the WayYou Communicateand Improve Your

Relationships

M  

 

 

 

 

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Conversation Skills

 

 

STRIKING UP CONVERSATIONS

ChangetheWay You Communicate andImprove YourRelationships   75

Exercise: Record and Experimentwith Your Nonverbal Behavior

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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OPEN- AND CLOSED-ENDED QUESTIONS

 

 

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LEARNING TO LISTEN

 

 

 

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EXCESSIVE APOLOGIZING AND

REASSURANCE SEEKING

 

 

 

 

 

ENDING CONVERSATIONS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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ChangetheWay You Communicate andImprove YourRelationships   79

Exercise: Break Out of YourOld Patterns

 

 

 

 

 

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Medications

A

 

 

 

 

 

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Should You Consider TakingMedications?

ADVANTAGES OF MEDICATION

TREATMENT

 

 

 

 

Medications   81

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DISADVANTAGES OF MEDICATION

TREATMENT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Choosing among Medication Options  

Medications   83

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Antidepressants 

 

 

 

 

 

SELECTIVE SEROTONIN REUPTAKE

INHIBITORS (SSRIS)

   

 

Medications   85

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Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OTHER ANTIDEPRESSANTS

 

Medications   87

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Antidepressants Used to Treat SocialAnxiety Disorder Other Than SSRIs

 

 

 

 

 

Other Medication Options

 

Medications   89

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Stages in Medication Treatment

 

 

 

 

 

 

Medications   91

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Combining Medications withOther Approaches

 

 

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Medications   93

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The Meaning of Rejection

 

Coping with Rejection   95

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Remove the Pressure  

 

 

 

Coping with Rejection   97

Exercise: Why Did You Feel Rejected?  

 

 

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Take More Risks

 

   

 

 

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Coping with Rejection   99

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Are You Contributing to YourOwn Rejection?

 

 

 

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Exercise: Take Some Risks

 

 

 

 

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Coping with Rejection   101

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Meet NewPeople

B

 

 

Where Most People Meet

8

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Where to Meet New People  

 

 

 

 

WORK

 

 

VOLUNTEERING

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SCHOOL

 

 

 

HOBBIES

 

 

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DATING SERVICES, PERSONAL ADS,

AND THE INTERNET

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Meet New People   111

Exercise: Meet One New Person

 

 

 

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Learn to MakePresentationswith

Confidence

A

 

Dealing with the Fear of Performing  

 

9

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Learn to Make Presentations with Confidence   113

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Improving Your Presentations  

 

 

 

PREPARING FOR PRESENTATIONS

UNDERSTAND THE PURPOSE OF YOUR PRESENTATION.

     

 

   

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KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.

 

 

 

 

 

ORGANIZE YOUR PRESENTATION.

 

 

 

 

 

Learn to Make Presentations with Confidence   115

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REHEARSE THE PRESENTATION.  

SPEAKING EFFECTIVELY

 

 

 

 

 

 

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ENGAGING YOUR AUDIENCE

 

HUMOR.  

 

 

 

PERSONAL STORIES OR VIGNETTES.  

ILLUSTRATIONS AND EXAMPLES.

 

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Learn to Make Presentations with Confidence   119

Exercise: Give a New Presentation—Compare It with a Previous One

 

 

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Stop Trying toBe Perfect

F

 

 

 

10

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Perfectionism and Social Anxiety

 

 

 

Stop Trying to Be Perfect   121

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Changing Perfectionistic Thinking

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Stop Trying to Be Perfect   123

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Changing Perfectionistic Behavior

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Exercise: Record and Challenge YourPerfectionistic Thoughts

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EXPOSURE

 

 

 

 

Stop Trying to Be Perfect   125

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Afterword:Planning forthe Future

O

 

 

 

 

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RecommendedReadings

Books for Consumers

 

 

 

 

   

 

   

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Books for Professionals  

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

Video Resources

 

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References

     

 

 

 

 

   

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References   133

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References   135

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About theAuthor

MARTIN M. ANTONY, PH.D.,

 

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