HOWTO EmpathyA primer on how I taught myself to be more empathetic.

Emma Jane Hogbin Westby@emmajanehw

This is a Touchy Feely Woo woo talk.

“I can’t even imagine.”

This talk came about because I’m not very good at empathy. I find it exceptionally difficult, actually. And I have to make a conscious effort IN THE WORKPLACE to do the things which would come naturally to me outside of work.

Yesterday I gave a workshop on Git because I hate Git. Today I’m giving a talk on empathy because it’s something I don’t choose to do IN THE WORKPLACE. It’s not something I’m very good at. And it’s something I have to practice on a regular basis, and I want to share my tips with you.

–Temple Grandin

Normal people have an incredible lack of empathy.

Fortunately, I’m not alone. Normal people don’t have a lot of empathy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple_GrandinGrandin is a prominent and widely cited proponent of the rights of autistic persons and of animal welfare.

define: empathyThe ability to understand and share

the feelings of another.

Honestly? this just makes my skin crawl and gives me hives when I think about having empathy in the work place. I guess I’ve had too many bad experiences to want to throw my heart into someone else’s shoes.

–Stephen Covey

When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes

down, and positive energy replaces it.That's when you can get more creative in solving problems.

But I think empathy is worth the investment. It allows us to solve greater problems.

define: SympathyThe feelings of pity and sorrowfor someone else's misfortune.

Sympathy on the other hand, is safer. It allows us to feel sorry for someone and try to find a way out of a problem. I’m good at sympathy and helping people to reframe a problem to find a way out.

Why?

– Ben Parr

Entrepreneurs may be brutally honest, but fostering

relationships with partners and building enduring

communities requires empathy, self-sacrifice and a willingness to help others without expecting

anything in return.

– Ben Parr & Me

Developers may be brutally honest, but fostering

relationships with partners and building enduring

communities requires empathy, self-sacrifice and a willingness to help others without expecting

anything in return.

Think different

Think different

Think Deliberate

“How can I help[this|you|me]

to be more awesome?”

To improve the code, we need to improve our capacity. To improve our capacity we need to practice how we think.

Why do you build software?

And why do youDo that?

Continue asking yourself “why” until you have found the root of why you enjoy building software.

My “Why”to understand and transform obstacles

to achieve a state of flow.

I’ve never built software for *myself*. I’ve always built it for other people. I build software because it will make someone’s life a little easier if I do.

https://www.ted.com/speakers/simon_sinek

Practicing Empathy

– Neil Gaiman

Empathy is a tool for building people into groups, for allowing us to function as more than

self-obsessed individuals.

Level 1.Caring just enough

Difficulty — Beginner.

At this level you convert “resources” into people.

Rewards• Improves team cohesion.

• Improves capacity for diversity of thought.

• Requires a time investment.

Risks

Collect stories.Learn about people by asking them questions.

STFU and listen.Listen until there is no more story.

Then respond.

Refer back.Follow-up on a previous story

to get the next instalment.

–Molly Ringwald

Compartmentalisationis way overrated.

Treat people like people, even at work. Allow yourself the time to be a little bit vulnerable. Invest in relationships.

Level 2.Thinking Strategies

Difficulty — Intermediate.

Rewards• Improves your ability to

“manipulate” situations into successful outcomes.

• Requires a time investment.

Risks

Uncover motivators.Unpack why a person behaves the way they do.

WWXD?

Thinking Strategies

Decision-Making

validate

values-driven

experience

crux

trust your heart

conclude

Understanding

clarify

empathisetune-in

scan

express

structure

Creativity

brainstorm

challenge

reframe

envision

flowflash of insight

Generate; Analyse; Decide

Creative Thinking

brainstorm

challenge

reframe

envision

flowflash of insight

There are two types thinking creatively: Thinking and Intuition. Creative thinking involves “muscling through”. It includes: brain storming, challenge, reframe, envision. Creative intuition “just happens”. It includes: flow and flash of insight.

Common Phrases For aCreative Thinker

• “Can we try ...”

• “I know we’re done, but what about ...”

• “OMG! I just had this great idea ...”

• “Have you thought about doing it like this instead ...”

Analytical Thinking

clarify

empathisetune-in

scan

express

structure

The two types of analytical thinking: Understanding Situations and Understanding People. Analytical thinking (situations) includes: scan situation, structure information and clarify understanding. Compassion thinking includes: tune-in, empathize, express feelings.

Common Phrases For anAnalytical Thinker

• “So what you’re saying is ...”

• “Just to clarify ...”

• “Can you tell me how ...”

• “Is this related to ...”

• “So I made this spreadsheet ...”

• “That must feel horrible!”

Decision Thinking

validate

values-driven

experience

crux

gut instinct

conclude

Decision thinking breaks into three categories: Critical Thinking, Values-driven thinking (belief-based decisions); and Intuitive thinking (gut-instinct decisions). Critical thinking includes: getting to the crux, conclude, validate the conclusion, rely on experience. Belief-based thinking and Gut-based thinking are single strategy mind-sets.

Common Phrases For aDecision Thinker

• “I’m ready to move on to ...”

• “We’ve already made a decision …”

• “I don’t know why I think this, but ...”

• “Last time we tried this ...”

• “So I think the real problem is ...”

• “My gut tells me ...”

Structure Interactions for desired Outcomes

Figure out what “type” of thinker a person is, and structure your interactions to meet them where they are first, and then pull them along to where you want them to be. This is easier in meetings where you can set the agenda.

The biggest mistake is believing that there is just one right way

to listen, to talk, to have a connectionor a relationship.

Deborah Tannen

Level 3.Imagination

Difficulty — Advanced

Rewards• Improves your ability to

“manipulate” situations into successful outcomes.

• Requires a greater time investment.

• Can be overwhelming to highly sensitive people.

• Can make you doubt your own value / self-worth.

Risks

Use your imagination.Complain from the other perspective.

The assumption is that the listener is on the side of the complainer.http://lifehacker.com/why-empathy-is-your-most-important-skill-and-how-to-pr-1505011685AKA play the devil’s advocate.

–Maya Angelou

I think we all have empathy.We may not have

enough courage to display it.

Practicing Empathy• Level 1: Care just enough to learn more about a

person’s life.

• Level 2: Use thinking strategies to structure interactions.

• Level 3: Use your imagination to complain from the other’s perspective.

Empathy for self.

Self-empathyThis summer we moved back to the city where my husband grew up. Everything was overwhelming for me as I tried to map *everything*. Things I took for granted were no longer obvious. Where could I buy tampons? What does Greggs sell? How do I use the metro to get to my interview for my National Insurance Number?

Asking James to walk slower, and tell me what the chain stores were, and what kinds of things they sold allowed me to map my surroundings onto their Canadian equivalents. It also gave him more ideas about what was difficult for me, and therefore how he could show more empathy in the future.

Empathy for others.

Molly was stuck using dictation software after breaking her wrist. Instead of just asking how her wrist was feeling, I made sure to structure my emails with yes|no questions instead of needing lengthy responses. I booked calls instead of relying on written communication.

@emmajanehwhttp://joind.in/talk/view/12702