AssertivenessAssertiveness(Aggressive Self Assurance)(Aggressive Self Assurance)

Assertiveness is a Assertiveness is a skillskill taught by many taught by many personality developmentpersonality development experts and experts and psychotherapistspsychotherapists and the subject of many popular and the subject of many popular self-helpself-help books. It is books. It is linked to self-esteem and considered an important linked to self-esteem and considered an important communication skill.communication skill.

As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries; their own and people deal with personal boundaries; their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to harm or otherwise unduly aggressive people to harm or otherwise unduly influence them. They are also typically not likely to influence them. They are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by not being them. A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. They are also willing to defend boundaries of others. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.themselves against aggressive incursions.

Being AssertiveBeing Assertive

Many people find it extremely difficult to be Many people find it extremely difficult to be assertive, whether it is in the work place, or in assertive, whether it is in the work place, or in their personal lives. All too often, there is their personal lives. All too often, there is confusion between being assertive and being confusion between being assertive and being aggressive. It is my belief that you lose aggressive. It is my belief that you lose credibility and the moral high ground as soon credibility and the moral high ground as soon as you show any signs of aggression.as you show any signs of aggression.

Principles Principles There are some very simple principles to being There are some very simple principles to being

assertive : assertive :

1.1. EXPECTATIONEXPECTATION2.2. PHYSICAL PRESENCEPHYSICAL PRESENCE3.3. USE OF VOICEUSE OF VOICE4.4. BE PREPAREDBE PREPARED5.5. CREATE RAPPORTCREATE RAPPORT6.6. THINK OF THE LANGUAGE YOU USETHINK OF THE LANGUAGE YOU USE7.7. REMEMBER TO THANKREMEMBER TO THANK8.8. USE HUMOURUSE HUMOUR

EXPECTATION EXPECTATION ––

Expect to be listened to, you'll be amazed at the difference there Expect to be listened to, you'll be amazed at the difference there is when you are mentally prepared. Think about the lion tamer. If is when you are mentally prepared. Think about the lion tamer. If he shows fear the animal will know and attack.he shows fear the animal will know and attack.

Set clear expectations of yourselves and others; don't expect Set clear expectations of yourselves and others; don't expect other people to read what is in your mind. Articulate exactly other people to read what is in your mind. Articulate exactly what you expect from them and why.what you expect from them and why.

Creating positive boundaries is important. We all feel at our Creating positive boundaries is important. We all feel at our most comfortable if we know how far we can go. Take control of most comfortable if we know how far we can go. Take control of the situation and set out your expectations. the situation and set out your expectations.

PHYSICAL PRESENCEPHYSICAL PRESENCE – –

How you use body language can make a huge difference to the How you use body language can make a huge difference to the way others treat us. It is part of the "expect to be listened to." way others treat us. It is part of the "expect to be listened to." Hold your head up high, be a force to be reckoned with. If you Hold your head up high, be a force to be reckoned with. If you look intimidated others will be intimidating. Be careful not to look intimidated others will be intimidating. Be careful not to intimidate others.intimidate others.

  If you are on home territory think about how you arrange the If you are on home territory think about how you arrange the room and plan your engagement with others. Where you sit, room and plan your engagement with others. Where you sit, whether you use a desk or sit on comfortable chairs at equal whether you use a desk or sit on comfortable chairs at equal height all have a bearing on how the interaction with others height all have a bearing on how the interaction with others will work. Be careful not to give mixed messages.will work. Be careful not to give mixed messages.

If you are about to haul someone over the coals keep the If you are about to haul someone over the coals keep the situation formal.situation formal.

"When prepared you will speak with more authority...""When prepared you will speak with more authority..."

USE OF VOICEUSE OF VOICE – –

The tone of voice has a major impact on whether you will be The tone of voice has a major impact on whether you will be heard, take a deep breath so that your voice is sustained. Think heard, take a deep breath so that your voice is sustained. Think about the message you want to give. Be wary of the following: about the message you want to give. Be wary of the following: the shout, nag, whine, Uriah Heap (I'm ever so "umble"). You do the shout, nag, whine, Uriah Heap (I'm ever so "umble"). You do not need to raise your voice, simply state what you want to say not need to raise your voice, simply state what you want to say in a matter or fact voice without heat. Try it out in the privacy of in a matter or fact voice without heat. Try it out in the privacy of your bedroom.your bedroom.

Be careful to use a voice which can be heard, is interesting in Be careful to use a voice which can be heard, is interesting in pitch and delivery. Breathe properly and protect your vocal pitch and delivery. Breathe properly and protect your vocal cords.cords.

  

BE PREPAREDBE PREPARED – –

If you are prepared you will speak with more authority, be If you are prepared you will speak with more authority, be better able to deal with the things that come up. Plan what you better able to deal with the things that come up. Plan what you want to say, this is particularly important if you are to speaking want to say, this is particularly important if you are to speaking to a group of people.to a group of people.

CREATE RAPPORTCREATE RAPPORT – –

During any introduction it is important to connect with the group During any introduction it is important to connect with the group you work with. Be open, friendly, smile and feel in control. It you work with. Be open, friendly, smile and feel in control. It will have a positive impact on the person or the group.will have a positive impact on the person or the group.

THINK OF THE LANGUAGE YOU USETHINK OF THE LANGUAGE YOU USE – –

It can be extremely powerful. If you start with a positive It can be extremely powerful. If you start with a positive statement it sets the tone. If you constantly ask people to do you statement it sets the tone. If you constantly ask people to do you a favor they will begin to believe they are doing you a favor a favor they will begin to believe they are doing you a favor rather than it be part of their job. "I would like you to..." is a rather than it be part of their job. "I would like you to..." is a better style.better style.

REMEMBER TO THANKREMEMBER TO THANK – –

If people have done what was asked it is really important that you If people have done what was asked it is really important that you acknowledge their effort. They will be far more inclined to put acknowledge their effort. They will be far more inclined to put themselves out again in the future.themselves out again in the future.

USE HUMOURUSE HUMOUR – –

But appropriately. But appropriately. Never at your clients or colleagues expense.Never at your clients or colleagues expense.

IF YOU DO NOT GET WHAT YOU WANTIF YOU DO NOT GET WHAT YOU WANT – –

Be calm, be persistent and stay in control. Repeat what Be calm, be persistent and stay in control. Repeat what you want and why. Ask them to consider the you want and why. Ask them to consider the implications of not doing as you request. Don't implications of not doing as you request. Don't threaten, bully or shout. Stick to your guns and if you threaten, bully or shout. Stick to your guns and if you outline a consequence it is important that you carry it outline a consequence it is important that you carry it outout..

ConclusionConclusion

Those who find being assertive difficult often assume that Those who find being assertive difficult often assume that everyone else finds it easy. The reality is that most people can everyone else finds it easy. The reality is that most people can feel anxious or wrong footed in some situations. I find it feel anxious or wrong footed in some situations. I find it fascinating that when you talk to someone who appears fascinating that when you talk to someone who appears supremely confident the reality is often very different. Acting supremely confident the reality is often very different. Acting confident is what makes the difference - you can do it too with confident is what makes the difference - you can do it too with

a little bit of practicea little bit of practice..

u know Every action has an ancestor of a thought.u know Every action has an ancestor of a thought. Think twice Think twice