Forgiveness, Acceptance & Moving On: How to Better Recover from Hurts

FORGIVENESS, ACCEPTANCE & MOVING ON

How to Better Recover from Hurts

Adapted from Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good, and other resources

John R. Williams, MMFT 2

Introduction


Objectives of this Presentation

1. Review religious ideas of forgiveness and problems that can result

2. Describe successful recovery from a painful experience

3. Help define forgiveness and acceptance and differentiate between different kinds

4. Review 14 steps and elements of successful recovery and forgiveness


Bible-Based Faith Teaches Us to Forgive

• “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No!” Jesus replied, “seventy times seven!” Matthew 18:21-22

• “‘I will forgive you one hundred times.’ This is the fatherly heart.” Sun Myung Moon

Divine Forgiveness• Unconditional, never withheld• Grants endless “second chances”• Made as a decision, not by feelings• Expresses unconditional compassion for

the offender and welcomes reconciliation

• Assumes that all people are equally prone to sin

• Based on how you have been forgiven undeservedly


“Forgive or Not Forgive” Model Invites Problems

Cheap Forgiveness• “No Fault” shortcut• Does not face your real pain• Does not admit your needs• May not hold offender

accountable• May enable the offender

to repeat the offense • Does not yield insight

and growth• Leaves you feeling trapped

Inability to Forgive• If you cannot find enough

compassion• If you insist on an apology • If you want restitution • If you don’t want the

offender in your life• If you can’t “forget” • Leaves you resentful,

stressed and guilt-ridden


Common Phases in Processing a Bad Experience

Grieving losses is also occurring

Reactions to the offense and offender

Adapted from Dr. Sidney B. Simon & Suzanne Simon


Healthy Recovery from a Hurt Is a Learned Skill

Good recovery takes insight, skill and practice1. Can think about the offense

without getting upset2. Able to name gains: • Lessons learned, • What is now more meaningful,• Greater coping skills, • Deepened faith in God, • Greater compassion for others• May even be grateful for gains3. Enjoys life in spite of injury

• “You hurt me, but I have forgiven you, and released myself from the hurt, and am willing to work things out with you.”

• Or, “You hurt me, but I have released myself from you, and I don’t want you in my life.”


Evidence of Not Yet Recovering from a Hurt

• Preoccupation with anger, resentment, guilt, sadness• Getting emotionally upset or physically distressed just to

think about the offense• Obsessing about the offense more than the good things in

your life• Telling the story about it over and over in your mind• It gets in the way of advancing in some area in your life


Costs of Prolonged Anger & Resentment

1. Ties us to whatever and whoever hurt you, long past the actual event

• Relives the injury and prolongs suffering • Makes you powerless, chained to what you have no control

over2. Stresses the mind and body• Fosters depression, tension, heart disease and lower

immune function3. Prevents real healing and recovery• Restricts responses, prevents flexible coping• Pushes friends and family away


Alternative Ways of Viewing Forgiveness


6 Factors in Different Kinds of Forgiveness

Unconditional Conditional

Want Reconciliation No Reconciliation

Cooperative One Sided


Unconditional or Conditional

Unconditional1. Asks nothing of the offender• Though it may still require

them to earn trust2. Expression of compassion

and desire for connection3. Or, the opposite—may have

little affection and want to simply disengage from the offender

Conditional1. Based on the offender

meeting certain requirements

• May want signs of remorse, taking responsibility, making restitution, etc.


Cooperative or One-Sided

Cooperative1. Reciprocal and mutually

satisfying 2. The offender is repentant

and makes effort to facilitate forgiveness and reconciliation

• Their actions invite and trust and further investment of heart

One-Sided1. The offender may be

unwilling to cooperate• Unrepentant2. The offender may be

unable• Absent or impaired

Also called Acceptance


Wants Reconciliation or Not

Want to Reconcile1. Hurt person wants to

restore the former bond or create a new friendship

2. Chooses to believe in the ability of the offender to change and willing to remain vulnerable

3. Assumes there is more to gain than to lose

Not Want to Reconcile1. Assumes there is more to

lose than to gain• Offender may seem too

untrustworthy and unsafe2. Relationship does not

seems worth investment • May change if offender is

highly cooperative


Acceptance & Forgiveness: What It Is

1. May be unilateral pardon, or two-sided effort2. Giving up resentment and revenge, while possibly seeking a

fair resolution3. Separate from trusting, trust may still need to be earned4. A gift to yourself, if no one else, to prevent further

damage from the offense5. Reduction of the pain when remembering the offense6. A process and may need to be repeated frequently7. “Peace and understanding that come from blaming less… and

changing your grievance story”


Acceptance & Forgiveness: What It Is Not

1. Condoning what the offender did or minimizing the injury

2. Giving up the need for restitution3. Empowering the offender and making yourself weak and

vulnerable4. Forgetting what happened5. Automatically meaning you want reconciliation6. The same as trust7. Necessarily asking nothing of the offender8. What anyone can demand of you9. Simply done once and for all


Steps towards Acceptance & Forgiveness


14 Steps towards Full Acceptance & Forgiveness, Part 1

1. Clarify what you feel about what happen

2. Take responsibility for your part in your distress

3. Examine fears of letting it go

4. Commit to do what is needed to feel better

5. Clarify acceptance and forgiveness as options

(6.) Practice positive coping when thinking of the offense

(7.) Give up unrealistic rules and expectations

(8.) Take the offense less personally

Adapted from Dr. Fred Luskin and Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.


14 Steps towards Full Acceptance & Forgiveness, Part 2

(9.) Humanize the offender

(10.) Consider your own mistakes and contribution to the problem

(11.) Decide on your new relationship to the offender

(12.) Focus on positives: Appreciate, improve, connect and protect

(13.) Seek to meet your original goals

14. Create a victorious survivor story

Adapted from Dr. Fred Luskin and Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.


1. Clarify What You Feel about What Happened

Recognize how you feel about the offense and what is wrong1. Allow yourself to admit all your feelings and thoughts•Take all your emotions seriously as useful messages2. Acknowledge that the situation is wrong or hurtful in some way•Describe what aspects of the situation are a problem3. Tell your story•To one or two trusted persons


Exercise: Write Your Grievance Story

1. Write down what happened during the offenseInclude:• Who was involved• How it made you feel• What you don’t like about it and why• What you want to do about it2. Keep it as a reference for a later step


2. Take Responsibility for Your Part in Your Distress

Recognize that your distress now mainly comes from your reactions to the offense, not the offense itself

The situation is in the past, but how you have chosen to respond is ruling the present

• “Renting far too much space in your mind” to whom or what hurt you

• Blaming the offender for your current unhappiness

• Mentally replaying the injury over and over• Tensing the body and draining your energy with

anger and resentment• Using the hurt as an excuse to hurt others or

neglect important matters or other actions that damage your self-respect


Blame & Victim Story

Our grievance story• Used to win

sympathy and support

• Theme of having no power and being the victim of the situation

• Sense of being personally targeted with unfairness and wrong

1. The offender is the main character, not you

• As the victim, you just highlight the villain’s power

2. Blames the offender for any unhelpful reactions and their consequences

• Justifies and excuses poor coping strategies

• “I can be mean because people have been mean to me”

3. Fiercely defended and protected


3. Examine Fears of Letting It Go

Look at why you might be afraid to accept and forgive1. Anger tends to be healthy only for a short time, like pain•Good to prompt action to prevent or correct a wrong2. Over time, becomes crippling like chronic pain•Controls you, restricts choices and makes you sick

3. Holding onto anger and resentment can feel good

• Energizing• Feels powerful and

protective when you are feeling weak

• Prevents feeling sadness, guilt, and weariness, as part of the healing process


Exercise: Reaction Reflection

1. Divide a sheet of paper into 3 columns, labeled “Thoughts,” “Feelings,” and “Actions”

2. Under the proper heading, list all the thoughts you have about what happened to you, the feelings, and the actions you have taken in regard to the offense

3. Think about each item: How effective has it been to reduce your distress?


4. Commit to Do What Is Needed to Feel Better

Protect yourself from further damage and focus on what will help you heal, recover and move on•You cannot change the past, but you can have a better present •Being free is more important that being “right,” getting even or punishing the offender •Resentment and anger may feel protective, strong and in control, but forgiveness creates real strength and freedom•Only you can release the injury’s—and offender’s—grip on your life•Don’t wait for apologies or the offender changing •Do it for your sake, if not for others


5. Clarify Forgiveness & Acceptance as Options

1. Clear up any misconceptions about forgiveness

2. Aim for unconditional

• Don’t let it depend on certain conditions to be met

3. Assume you don’t want reconciliation

• But consider if it were possible within certain conditions

4. Aim for one sided

• But consider if offender might cooperate and if so, what you would want them to do


Exercise: Forgiveness Declaration

1. Ask to meet with the person for a moment

2. Briefly tell of your view of other person’s offense

3. Declare that you forgive them

4. If the other person begins to deny the offense or defend what they did, politely state that you are not interested in debating, but rather that you don’t hold it against them

5. Thank them for listening and leave


Exercise: Pretend to Forgive

1. Sit with an empty chair facing you2. Imagine the offending person sitting in that chair3. Pretend you have decided to forgive them4. Imagine telling the person you forgive them, or say it

out loud5. Imagine the person’s positive reaction• Softening, apologizing6. Sit and feel your own response• Your anger and pain may have decreased a little


Exercise: Decide Your Apology Language

Decide what kind of apologies you require and let the cooperative offender know

1. Remorse: “I am sorry (about how you were hurt).” 2. Responsibility: “I was wrong.” 3. Restitution: “What can I do to make it right?”4. Repentance: “(Here’s how) I won’t do that again.”5. Request (for forgiveness): “Will you forgive me?”

Adapted from Gary Chapman


(6.) Practice Positive Coping When Thinking of the Offense

1. Need to reduce stressful reactions to the thought of what happened

• Prepares you to forgive and let go

• Hard to choose a new response if your “fight or flight” reaction gets triggered

2. Use practices to feel calm and safe while recalling the upsetting situation

• Prayer• Distraction• Relaxation• Visualization• Meditation


Exercise: Heart Meditation

1. Sit in a quiet place where you will be undisturbed2. Breathe deeply, with eyes closed, until your body relaxes3. Think of someone or something that represents love to you, and

welcome that love into your body for a moment4. Now recall the upsetting event, noticing the reactions

in your body5. While holding that bad memory still in your mind, reach out to the

image representing love and let it again fill your body, breathing deeply and slowly for a few minutes

6. Release the bad memory, and dwell in the love7. Slowly return to the present8. Note if recalling the offense seems less disturbing


(7.) Question Unrealistic Demands and Expectations

Part of your distress may arise from demanding that people and life give what they cannot or choose not to 1. Give up trying to enforce “unenforceable rules” and expectations•Recognize “shoulds,” “musts” and “need to’s” outside of your control•Convert them into the hopes and desires they are

2. Decide to accept life and people as they actually are

• Remind yourself that you can hope for good things and work hard to get them—but not expect or demand them

3. Give up wanting the past to be different


Exercise: Turning “Musts” into “Wants”

1. Listen to your repetitive thoughts about the painful experience and write them down

2. Pull out your underlying beliefs, expectations and “rules” for life that were violated by the offense

• “People should be fair”• “A mother-in-law must show respect for her son-in-law”3. Turn these demands into statements of preference, using,

“I’d like,” “I want,” “I wish,” “I hope”• “I’d like people to be fair, but I can’t expect that”• “I want my mother-in-law to show respect for me, but I

can’t control what she does”


(8.) Take the Offense Less Personally

1. Pain is universal

• Details are personal but not suffering

• Consider how your situation could have been even worse

2. Frame the offender’s behavior as more about them than you

• They were struggling with old wounds• They lashed out less at you as a person

than at what you represented3. Accept that you may be paying for others’

offenses• Committed by your group or ancestors• The harm was inevitably coming to

anyone in your position, as restitution


(9.) Humanize the Offender

1. Look for exceptions to your picture of them as selfish or cruel

• Look for good they have done

• Imagine how their family sees them and how they treat their loved ones

• Imagine them younger and more innocent

2. Consider any small resemblance to yourself

• When you have hurt others either accidentally or intentionally

• When you have received a pardon that you did not expect or deserve


Exercise: Through Parental Eyes

1. Sit quietly, breathing deeply2. Think of your offender as a child3. Imagine how their parents loved them and looked at

them with hope and joy4. Visualize that child earnestly striving and achieving

something good5. Picture them being wounded by painful experiences4. If you can, imagine how God might see them


(10.) Consider Your Own Mistakes & Contribution to the Problem

1. Look honestly at your own part in how you were hurt

• Enabling the offender• Not heeding warning signs• Not preparing better• Failing the offender in some way2. Challenge irrational self-blame• Over that which you had no control• Taking on the offender’s responsibility

3. Admit any guilt over how you reacted to the offense

• Retaliation• Selfishness• Neglecting others4. Forgive yourself for

your own failings


Exercise: Ask the Offender for Forgiveness

1. Ask to meet with the offender, even for a short time

2. Briefly tell them your view of their offense

3. Apologize for any negative attitudes you have held towards them

• Anger, resentment, bitterness, vengeance, etc.

4. Ask for their forgiveness

5. If they begin to deny the offense or defend it, politely state that you are not interested in debating

• Instead, you want forgiveness for the bad feelings you have been holding towards them

• Repeat your request for forgiveness

6. Thank them and leave


(11.) Decide on Your New Relationship to the Offender

Carefully decide what kind of relationship you want•Look at the offender apart from their offense, weighing the good against the bad•Honor the blessings•Protect yourself from further abuse

• May decide you love but cannot trust

• May include restitution and other conditions to be met before you can restore the bond


Exercise: Reorienting the Relationship

1. Divide a sheet of paper in two, labeling one side, “Gifts,” and the other, “Hurts”

2. List the ways the offender has brought blessings to your life on one side

3. List on the other side how they have caused harm, or pose risks

4. Use this lists to decide what degree of reconciliation you seek, if any

5. Also determine what boundaries, if any, you will enforce, even as temporary conditions


(12.) Focus on Positives: Appreciate, Improve, Connect & Protect 2

Connect • Cherish loved ones

more and invest time• Reach out for support in

recovering• Don’t lean on others too

much

Protect• Focus on those who

need you• Help alleviate the

conditions that hurt you, to prevent others’ suffering

Adapted from Steven Stosny, Ph.D.


(13.) Seek to Meet Your Original Goals

Look for other ways to get your needs met, in spite of the hurtful situation The offense involved not getting what you originally wanted or getting what you didn’t want•Don’t overreact to the injury and give up on your goal•Reclaiming your original intention gives power to move forward•Can be related to reversing or overcoming the loss or harm•Look for how God might be working through this to provide new opportunities amidst the suffering


(12.) Focus on Positives: Appreciate, Improve, Connect & Protect 1

Affirm the good that is stronger than this difficulty• “A life well lived is your best ‘revenge’” Appreciate • Recognize how others

have helped you• Be grateful that it was not worse• Acknowledge how you have

grown as a person and any other benefits you have received

Improve• Use the difficulty

to become a better person

Adapted from Steven Stosny, Ph.D.


Exercise: Reclaim Your Intention

1. Consider what goals you were pursuing when the offense occurred

2. Compose a statement of what you wanted

• Personal: “I wanted…”• In positive terms; not as what you

didn’t want• Expressed as a wish, not a

demand, free of anger or self righteousness

• Focused on changeable things, like behavior: “treat me respectfully,” not “care more about me”

• Get specific, using names and descriptive words: “I wanted to make a warm and productive friendship with Lee”


14. Create a VictoriousSurvivor Story

Edit the story of your hurt to remind yourself of the heroic choice to accept, forgive and overcomeCast yourself as the hero and point to how you have prevailed or are prevailing over the difficulties •Focus on coping—its challenges and successes•Emphasize what is means the most to you•Reinterpret the experience in terms of how God will use the difficulty to do greater things


Exercise: Creating a Survivor StoryRetell your story with yourself as the star, naming your original intention, and let the difficult situation highlight your strength1. “I was trying to…2. “I am prevailing over or coping with the situation by…3. “Because of this challenge:

• I have learned…• I have become a better

person because…• I appreciate others who

helped me by…• I appreciate even more

such things as…

• I see how strong I am because…

• I realize I need to learn…• I want to do something about…• I want to better protect…• I want to help others by…”


Exercise: Emotional Layers LetterWrite to someone:1. Anger & Blame• I’m angry that—• I hate it when—• I’m fed up with—• I resent—

2. Hurt & Sadness• It hurt me when—• I felt sad when—• I feel hurt that—• I am disappointed that—3. Fear & Insecurity• I was afraid that— • I get scared when—• I am worried that—• I’m afraid that I—

4. Regret & Responsibility• I’m sorry that—• I didn’t mean to—• I may be to blame for—• Please forgive me for—

5. Wants• All I ever want(ed)—• I want you to—• I want(ed)—• I deserve—

6. Appreciation & Forgiveness• I appreciate—• I realize—• I forgive you for—• I love you for—


Resources

• Steven Stosny, You Don't Have to Take it Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One (New York: Free Press, 2007).

• Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 2002)

• Janis Abrahms Spring, How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To (New York: HarperCollins, 2004)


John Williams, MMFT• [email protected]

Spiritual

Forgiveness, Acceptance & Moving On: How to Better Recover from Hurts