04 26 09 Moving Beyond The Basics To The Ulitmate Goal Part 1 Keys To Effective Communication Communication Keys For Couples

West Ridge Church Marriage MinistryWest Ridge Church Marriage Ministry

““Can You Hear Me Now?”Can You Hear Me Now?”

Communication Keys for CouplesCommunication Keys for Couples

V. Beyond Basics to the Ultimate GoalV. Beyond Basics to the Ultimate Goal


LevelLevel What We SayWhat We Say We RevealWe Reveal

Elevator TalkElevator Talk PleasantriesPleasantries Almost NothingAlmost Nothing

Reporter TalkReporter Talk FactsFacts KnowKnow

Intellectual TalkIntellectual Talk ThoughtsThoughts OpinionsOpinions

Emotional TalkEmotional TalkEmotionsEmotions FeelFeel

Intimate TalkIntimate Talk SecretsSecrets Desires/Fears/etcDesires/Fears/etc


The ultimate goal of The ultimate goal of

our communication is to our communication is to

increase our level of increase our level of intimacy.intimacy.


1. We need to acknowledge natural tendency.1. We need to acknowledge natural tendency.

Proverbs 12:15 The way of a fool seems right to him, but aProverbs 12:15 The way of a fool seems right to him, but a

wise man listens to advice.wise man listens to advice.

Proverbs 14:12 There is a way that seems right to a man,Proverbs 14:12 There is a way that seems right to a man,

but in the end it leads to death.but in the end it leads to death.

Proverbs 16:2 All a man's ways seem innocent to him, butProverbs 16:2 All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but

motives are weighed by the LORD.motives are weighed by the LORD.

Proverbs 16:25 There is a way that seems right to a man,Proverbs 16:25 There is a way that seems right to a man,

but in the end it leads to death.but in the end it leads to death.



Luke 6:41-43Luke 6:41-43

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's

eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? Howeye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How

can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speckcan you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck

out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank inout of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in

your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of youryour own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your

eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck fromeye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from

your brother's eye.your brother's eye.



My natural tendency is to think that I am My natural tendency is to think that I am rightright

and you are and you are wrongwrong..





That’s why we are quick to see That’s why we are quick to see other’sother’s faults but faults but

very slow to see our very slow to see our own.own.





That’s why we are quick to see That’s why we are quick to see other’sother’s faults but faults but

very slow to see our very slow to see our own.own.

““Our tendency is to judge others by their Our tendency is to judge others by their actionsactions

and ourselves by our and ourselves by our intentionsintentions.”.”


2. We must get to the heart of our problems:2. We must get to the heart of our problems:


2. We must get to the heart of our problems:2. We must get to the heart of our problems:

Our HeartOur Heart


2. We must get to the heart of our problems.2. We must get to the heart of our problems.

Psalms 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart;Psalms 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is anytest me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any

offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Matthew 12:34 You brood of vipers, how can you whoMatthew 12:34 You brood of vipers, how can you who

are evil say anything good? For out of the are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of theoverflow of the

Heart Heart the the mouth speaksmouth speaks..

Matthew 15:18 But the things that come out of the mouthMatthew 15:18 But the things that come out of the mouth

come from the heartcome from the heart….….



The word “heart” is used in Scripture to meanThe word “heart” is used in Scripture to mean

our inner self…the our inner self…the realreal me. me.



The word “heart” is used in Scripture to meanThe word “heart” is used in Scripture to mean

our inner self…the our inner self…the realreal me. me.

Our words and actions Our words and actions reveareveal what’s l what’s reallyreally

in our heart.in our heart.


3. Confess past failures to 3. Confess past failures to GodGod and our and our spousespouse

Psalm 32:5 Then I acknowledged my sin toPsalm 32:5 Then I acknowledged my sin to

you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "Iyou and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I

will confess my transgressions to the LORD "—will confess my transgressions to the LORD "—

and you forgave the guilt of my sin. and you forgave the guilt of my sin.

Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins doesProverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does

not prosper, but whoever confesses andnot prosper, but whoever confesses and

renounces them finds mercy.renounces them finds mercy.



1 John 1:8-91 John 1:8-9

If we claim to be without sin, we deceiveIf we claim to be without sin, we deceive

ourselves and the truth is not in us. If weourselves and the truth is not in us. If we

confess our sins, he is faithful and just and willconfess our sins, he is faithful and just and will

forgive us our sins and purify us from allforgive us our sins and purify us from all

unrighteousness.unrighteousness.



When we confess, we simply agree with GodWhen we confess, we simply agree with God

that we are wrong and He is right.that we are wrong and He is right.



James 5:16 James 5:16

Therefore confess your sins to each other…Therefore confess your sins to each other…





In addition, we need to confess to our spouseIn addition, we need to confess to our spouse

when we have wronged them.when we have wronged them.





In addition, we need to confess to our spouseIn addition, we need to confess to our spouse

when we have wronged them.when we have wronged them.

Our spouse is our God-given Our spouse is our God-given accountabilityaccountability

partner.partner.


4. We deal with our heart effectively 4. We deal with our heart effectively onlyonly

by having our by having our mindmind renewedrenewed by God’s Word. by God’s Word.




Romans 12:2 Romans 12:2

Do not conformDo not conform any longer to the pattern of this any longer to the pattern of this

world, but world, but be transformedbe transformed by the renewing of by the renewing of

your mindyour mind..




It is the ultimate mark of It is the ultimate mark of immaturityimmaturity to say, to say,

““That’s just the way I am.”That’s just the way I am.”




It is the ultimate mark of It is the ultimate mark of immaturityimmaturity to say, to say,

““That’s just the way I am.”That’s just the way I am.”

No matter what our circumstances, weNo matter what our circumstances, we

absolutely absolutely cancan change our bad patterns into change our bad patterns into

positive, mature, and honorable ones.positive, mature, and honorable ones.


5. Our mind is renewed by 5. Our mind is renewed by learninglearning truth and truth and

applyingapplying it to our life. it to our life.

John 8:31-32John 8:31-32

IfIf you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.

ThenThen you will know the truth, and the truth will set youyou will know the truth, and the truth will set you

free.free.




James 1:22-25James 1:22-25

Do not Do not merely listenmerely listen to the word, and to the word, and so deceive yourselvesso deceive yourselves..

Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but doesDo what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does

not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in anot do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a

mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away andmirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and

immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man whoimmediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who

looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, andlooks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and

continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, butcontinues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but

doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.




We are set free from our past bad patterns as weWe are set free from our past bad patterns as we

consciouslyconsciously embraceembrace God’s Word and God’s Word and apply apply it toit to

our livesour lives..


6. In our marriage, applying truth means we6. In our marriage, applying truth means we::



(1) Begin to (1) Begin to seesee and and relate relate properly to God. properly to God.




Psalm 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; aPsalm 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a

broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Ecclesiastes 5:2 Do not be quick with your mouth, do not beEcclesiastes 5:2 Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be

hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is inhasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in

heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.




Isaiah 66:2 "This is Isaiah 66:2 "This is the one I esteemthe one I esteem: he who is: he who is

humble and contrite in spirithumble and contrite in spirit, and , and trembles at my wordtrembles at my word.”.”

James 4:6-10 God James 4:6-10 God opposes the proudopposes the proud but but gives gracegives grace

to the humbleto the humble. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist

the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to Godthe devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God

and he will come near to you.…. Humble yourselvesand he will come near to you.…. Humble yourselves

before the Lord, and he will lift you up.before the Lord, and he will lift you up.




HumilityHumility is simply seeing God for Who He is simply seeing God for Who He

is….and ourselves for who we are.is….and ourselves for who we are.




HumilityHumility is simply seeing God for Who He is simply seeing God for Who He

is….and ourselves for who we are.is….and ourselves for who we are.

We should regularly acknowledge our absoluteWe should regularly acknowledge our absolute

needneed of Him in our life of Him in our life..




We need to consciously We need to consciously invite invite God to be anGod to be an

active Guide in our marriage.active Guide in our marriage.




We need to consciously We need to consciously invite invite God to be anGod to be an

active Guide in our marriage.active Guide in our marriage.

God God moves into actionmoves into action on our behalf when we on our behalf when we

humble ourselves.humble ourselves.




(2) Begin to see (2) Begin to see our spouseour spouse as God sees them. as God sees them.




Genesis 1:27Genesis 1:27

So God created man in his own image, So God created man in his own image, in the image ofin the image of

GodGod he created him; male and female he created them. he created him; male and female he created them.

Romans 8:32Romans 8:32

He who did not spare his own Son, but He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up forgave him up for

usus all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously

give us all things?give us all things?




Romans 12:9-10Romans 12:9-10

Love must be sincere….. Be devoted to one another inLove must be sincere….. Be devoted to one another in

brotherly love. Honor one another brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselvesabove yourselves..

Philippians 2:3Philippians 2:3

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but inDo nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in

humility humility consider othersconsider others better than yourselves… better than yourselves…




We need to see them as the incredibly We need to see them as the incredibly importantimportant

person that they are!person that they are!




We need to see them as the incredibly We need to see them as the incredibly importantimportant

person that they are!person that they are!

Because we treat people the way we Because we treat people the way we VIEWVIEW them. them.





(3) Look for ways to verbally (3) Look for ways to verbally encourageencourage them. them.




Proverbs 15:23 A man finds joy in giving an apt replyProverbs 15:23 A man finds joy in giving an apt reply

— — and how good is a timely word!and how good is a timely word!

Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb,Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb,

sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Proverbs 25:11 A word aptly spoken is like apples ofProverbs 25:11 A word aptly spoken is like apples of

gold in settings of slivergold in settings of sliver..




Ephesians 4:15 Instead, Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in lovespeaking the truth in love, we, we

will in all things grow up into him who is the Head….will in all things grow up into him who is the Head….

Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk comeEphesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come

out of your mouths, but only what is out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for buildinghelpful for building

others up according to their needsothers up according to their needs, that it may benefit, that it may benefit

those who listen.those who listen.




Colossians 4:6Colossians 4:6

Let your conversation Let your conversation be always full of gracebe always full of grace, seasoned, seasoned

with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone

1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage oneencourage one

another and build each other upanother and build each other up, just as…you are doing., just as…you are doing.

Hebrews 10:24 And let us consider how we may Hebrews 10:24 And let us consider how we may spurspur

one another on toward loveone another on toward love and good deeds. and good deeds.




It is absolutely true that we all have anIt is absolutely true that we all have an

““emotionalemotional bank account!” bank account!”




It is absolutely true that we all have anIt is absolutely true that we all have an

““emotionalemotional bank account!” bank account!”

We should be making We should be making massive massive depositsdeposits

each each dayday to our spouse’s account. to our spouse’s account.






(4) Develop an attitude of a (4) Develop an attitude of a servantservant to spouse. to spouse.




Matthew 20:25-27 "You know that the rulers of theMatthew 20:25-27 "You know that the rulers of the

Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exerciseGentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise

authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoeverauthority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever

wants to become wants to become great among you must be your servantgreat among you must be your servant,,

and whoever wants to be first must be your slave…and whoever wants to be first must be your slave…

Mark 10:45 For even the Son of Man did not come to beMark 10:45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be

served but served but to serveto serve and and to giveto give his life as a ransom for many. his life as a ransom for many.




Philippians 2:4 – 7 Do nothing out of selfish ambition orPhilippians 2:4 – 7 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or

vain conceit, but in humility vain conceit, but in humility consideconsider others better thanr others better than

yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your ownyourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own

interests, but also to the interests of others. interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitudeYour attitude

should be the same as that of Christ Jesusshould be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who…. Made: Who…. Made

himself nothing, himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servanttaking the very nature of a servant, being, being

made in human likeness….. he humbled himself and becamemade in human likeness….. he humbled himself and became

obedient to death — even death on a cross!obedient to death — even death on a cross!




Galatians 5:13 You, my brothers, were called to be free.Galatians 5:13 You, my brothers, were called to be free.

But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature;But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature;

rather, rather, serve one another in loveserve one another in love..

Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's workmanship, Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's workmanship, created increated in

Christ Jesus to do good worksChrist Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in, which God prepared in

advance for us to do.advance for us to do.




1 Peter 4:101 Peter 4:10Each one should use whatever gift he has received to Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.various forms.




We are behaving in a We are behaving in a GodlyGodly manner when we manner when we

serve our spouse.serve our spouse.






We We KICKKICK open the door to great communication open the door to great communication

as we serve our spouse!as we serve our spouse!






We We KICKKICK open the door to great communication open the door to great communication

as we serve our spouse!as we serve our spouse!

Challenge: Attempt to Challenge: Attempt to out-serveout-serve your spouse! your spouse!







(5) We (5) We learnlearn to talk….if we to talk….if we feel feel like it or not.like it or not.




Proverbs 16:21Proverbs 16:21The wise in heart are called discerning, and The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.pleasant words promote instruction.

1 Peter 3:7 1 Peter 3:7

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives…you live with your wives…




A husband’s A husband’s silencesilence increases the anxiety of increases the anxiety of

his wife.his wife.




A husband’s A husband’s silencesilence increases the anxiety of increases the anxiety of

his wife.his wife.

Work at Work at expressingexpressing how you feel how you feel..








(6) We learn to give appropriate (6) We learn to give appropriate feedbackfeedback..




Proverbs 12:18Proverbs 12:18Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 15:2Proverbs 15:2The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.




A wise spouse will A wise spouse will affirmaffirm the positive the positive efforts efforts ofof

their spouse.their spouse.




A wise spouse will A wise spouse will affirmaffirm the positive the positive efforts efforts ofof

their spouse.their spouse.

A wise spouse will not A wise spouse will not over-reactover-react when things when things

don’t go perfectly.don’t go perfectly.

Five Major Keys of Effective CommunicationFive Major Keys of Effective Communication

1. Maturing Character1. Maturing Character

2. Mutual Understanding2. Mutual Understanding

3. Unconditional Acceptance3. Unconditional Acceptance

4. Common Sense4. Common Sense

5. Selfless Service5. Selfless Service

Spiritual

04 26 09 Moving Beyond The Basics To The Ulitmate Goal Part 1 Keys To Effective Communication Communication Keys For Couples