04 19 09 Mastering The Essentials Of Effective Communication Part 1 Keys To Effective Communication Communication Keys For Couples

West Ridge Church Marriage MinistryWest Ridge Church Marriage Ministry

““Can You Hear Me Now?”Can You Hear Me Now?”

Communication Keys for CouplesCommunication Keys for Couples

IV. Mastering Communication EssentialsIV. Mastering Communication Essentials

Luke 14:25-30Luke 14:25-30

And anyone who does not carry his cross andAnd anyone who does not carry his cross and

follow me cannot be my disciple. "Supposefollow me cannot be my disciple. "Suppose

one of you wants to build a tower. Will he notone of you wants to build a tower. Will he not

first sit down and estimate the cost to see if hefirst sit down and estimate the cost to see if he

has enough money to complete it?has enough money to complete it?


Luke 14:25-30Luke 14:25-30

And anyone who does not carry his cross andAnd anyone who does not carry his cross and

follow me cannot be my disciple. "Supposefollow me cannot be my disciple. "Suppose

one of you wants to build a tower. Will he notone of you wants to build a tower. Will he not

first sit down and estimate the cost to see if hefirst sit down and estimate the cost to see if he

has enough money to complete it?has enough money to complete it?

Similarly, much of communication is justSimilarly, much of communication is just

commoncommon sensesense


It has been said, “Practice makes perfect.” It has been said, “Practice makes perfect.”

Not quite..…..Not quite..…..

Only Only evaluatedevaluated practice makes perfect. practice makes perfect.


Common Sense KeysCommon Sense Keys


1. Initiate a conversation.1. Initiate a conversation.

■ ■ Gain an Gain an understandingunderstanding of your spouse. of your spouse.

Proverbs 8:5Proverbs 8:5

You who are simple, gain prudence; you whoYou who are simple, gain prudence; you who

are foolish, gain understanding.are foolish, gain understanding.

1 Peter 3:7 (NASB)1 Peter 3:7 (NASB)

You husbands in the same way, live with yourYou husbands in the same way, live with your

wives in an understanding way….wives in an understanding way….



■ ■ Gain an Gain an understandingunderstanding of your spouse. of your spouse.

Get to know your spouse – study them!Get to know your spouse – study them!



■ ■ Choose the best Choose the best timingtiming for a conversation. for a conversation.




A man finds joy in giving an apt reply— and how goodA man finds joy in giving an apt reply— and how good

is a timely word!is a timely word!

If a man loudly blesses his neighbor If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in theearly in the

morningmorning, it will be , it will be taken as a cursetaken as a curse..

[There is]…. a time to be silent and a time to speak…[There is]…. a time to be silent and a time to speak…




Don’t launch into a Don’t launch into a lengthylengthy conversation conversation when your spouse when your spouse firstfirst walks in the door. walks in the door.




Don’t start a Don’t start a serious serious conversation when you: conversation when you:

-- -- are exhausted are exhausted

-- -- have limited time have limited time

-- -- feel the other person is not readyfeel the other person is not ready



■ ■ Get their Get their attentionattention before engaging…. before engaging….

Acts 3:1-5Acts 3:1-5

Peter looked straight at him, as did John. ThenPeter looked straight at him, as did John. Then

Peter said, "Peter said, "Look at usLook at us!" So the man gave!" So the man gave

them his attention…..them his attention…..



■ ■ Get their Get their attentionattention before engaging…. before engaging….

Women pick up on words much faster thanWomen pick up on words much faster than

men! It takes men men! It takes men moremore time to engage. time to engage.



■ ■ Provide some brief Provide some brief contextcontext..Matthew 5:21-22Matthew 5:21-22

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago,You have heard that it was said to the people long ago,

'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be

subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who issubject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is

angry with his brother will be subject to judgment.angry with his brother will be subject to judgment.



■ ■ Provide some brief Provide some brief contextcontext..

Give some Give some backgroundbackground before launching into before launching into

unfamiliar territory.unfamiliar territory.



■ ■ Don’t talk Don’t talk too longtoo long without allowing your without allowing your spouse to respond.spouse to respond.




Proverbs 10:8 Proverbs 10:8 …. a chattering fool comes to ruin…. a chattering fool comes to ruin..

Proverbs 10:19 Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is notWhen words are many, sin is not

absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Ecc 5 Ecc 5 Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hastyDo not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty

in your heart to utter anything before God. God is inin your heart to utter anything before God. God is in

heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.




It is a certain sign of It is a certain sign of self-centerednessself-centeredness when a when a

person talks incessantly without allowing theperson talks incessantly without allowing the

other party to join in the conversation!other party to join in the conversation!



■ ■ Be aware of Be aware of nonverbalnonverbal cues. cues.

Proverbs 25:23 Proverbs 25:23

……..a sly tongue brings angry looks...a sly tongue brings angry looks.

Proverbs 30:13 …those whose eyes are everProverbs 30:13 …those whose eyes are ever

so haughty, whose glances are so disdainful;so haughty, whose glances are so disdainful;



■ ■ Be aware of Be aware of nonverbalnonverbal cues. cues.

Your facial Your facial expressionsexpressions and and gesturesgestures give give

away what is really in your heart!away what is really in your heart!



■ ■ Exercise Exercise discretiondiscretion in every conversation. in every conversation.


Discretion will protect you, and understandingDiscretion will protect you, and understanding

will guard you.will guard you.


Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautifulLike a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful

woman who shows no discretion.woman who shows no discretion.




Proverbs 23:9 Do not speak to a fool, for heProverbs 23:9 Do not speak to a fool, for he

will scorn the wisdom of your words.will scorn the wisdom of your words.

Col 4:6 Let your conversation be always fullCol 4:6 Let your conversation be always full

of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you mayof grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may

know how to answer everyone.know how to answer everyone.




DefinitionDefinition: :

1 1 cautious reserve in speech cautious reserve in speech

22 ability to make responsible decisions ability to make responsible decisions




Discretion focuses on Discretion focuses on howhow and and how muchhow much is is

appropriate in our speech.appropriate in our speech.

It is an issue of It is an issue of judgmentjudgment..




It’s not just It’s not just whatwhat you say – you say –

it’s it’s howhow you say it that matters. you say it that matters.




We need to We need to choosechoose our words carefully since our words carefully since

they have much power.they have much power.

Don’t be too lazy to Don’t be too lazy to thinkthink!!



■ ■ Be as Be as specificspecific as possible. as possible.


She speaks with wisdom, and faithfulShe speaks with wisdom, and faithful

instruction is on her tongue.instruction is on her tongue.



■ ■ Be as Be as specificspecific as possible. as possible.

Your husband can’t read your mind.Your husband can’t read your mind.

Guys don’t take hints too well.Guys don’t take hints too well.

If you want something, just ask….If you want something, just ask….


2. Look and Listen Intently2. Look and Listen Intently

■ ■ FocusFocus on the person talking. on the person talking.

Proverbs 4:1 Listen, my sons, to a father'sProverbs 4:1 Listen, my sons, to a father's

instruction; pay attention….instruction; pay attention….

Proverbs 4:20 My son, pay attention to what IProverbs 4:20 My son, pay attention to what I

say; listen closely to my words.say; listen closely to my words.

Proverbs 5:1 My son, pay attention to myProverbs 5:1 My son, pay attention to my

wisdom, listen well to my words…wisdom, listen well to my words…



■ ■ Actively Actively listenlisten to what they are saying! to what they are saying!

Luke 8:18Luke 8:18

Therefore Therefore consider carefullyconsider carefully how you listen. how you listen.

James 1:19James 1:19

My dear brothers, take note of this: EveryoneMy dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone

should be quick to listen, slow to speak andshould be quick to listen, slow to speak and

slow to become angry…slow to become angry…





The way of a fool seems right to him, but aThe way of a fool seems right to him, but a

wise man listens to advice.wise man listens to advice.


He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be atHe who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at

home among the wise.home among the wise.




Zechariah 7:12Zechariah 7:12

They made their hearts as hard as flint andThey made their hearts as hard as flint and

would not listen to the law or to the words thatwould not listen to the law or to the words that

the LORD Almighty had sent by his Spiritthe LORD Almighty had sent by his Spirit

through the earlier prophets. So the LORDthrough the earlier prophets. So the LORD

Almighty was very angry.Almighty was very angry.



■ ■ Don’t Don’t respondrespond before hearing other person before hearing other person

completely.completely.


He who guards his lips guards his life, but heHe who guards his lips guards his life, but he

who speaks who speaks rashlyrashly will come to ruin. will come to ruin.


He who answers He who answers before listeningbefore listening— that is his— that is his

folly and his shame.folly and his shame.





James 1:26James 1:26

If anyone considers himself religious and yetIf anyone considers himself religious and yet

does not keep a does not keep a tight reintight rein on his tongue, he on his tongue, he

deceives himself and his religion is worthless.deceives himself and his religion is worthless.





Don’t jump to Don’t jump to conclusionsconclusions..


3. Respond to Your Spouse3. Respond to Your Spouse

■ ■ First, make sure you First, make sure you understandunderstand what was what was said.said.


A fool finds no pleasure in understanding butA fool finds no pleasure in understanding but

delights in airing his own opinions.delights in airing his own opinions.




Matthew 13:14-15Matthew 13:14-15

In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: 'You will beIn them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: 'You will be

ever hearing but never understanding; you will be everever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever

seeing but never perceiving. For this people's heartseeing but never perceiving. For this people's heart

has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears,has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears,

and they have closed their eyes.and they have closed their eyes.




Seek first to understand, then to be understood.Seek first to understand, then to be understood.



■ ■ First, make sure you First, make sure you understandunderstand what was what was said. said.

Ask Ask clarifyingclarifying questions to understand. questions to understand.

Use Use summarysummary statements to validate statements to validate..



■ ■ VisualizeVisualize and and empathizeempathize with your spouse. with your spouse.

John 11:33-35 When Jesus saw her weeping, and theJohn 11:33-35 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the

Jews who had come along with her also weeping, heJews who had come along with her also weeping, he

was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where havewas deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have

you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," theyyou laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they

replied. replied. Jesus wept.Jesus wept.



■ ■ VisualizeVisualize and and empathizeempathize with your spouse. with your spouse.

Put yourself in Put yourself in their shoestheir shoes..

FeelFeel what your spouse is what your spouse is sayingsaying!!



■ ■ Respond Respond appropriatelyappropriately to your spouse. to your spouse.

Proverbs 15:28 The heart of the righteous Proverbs 15:28 The heart of the righteous weighs itsweighs its

answersanswers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil., but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.

Proverbs 29:20 Do you see a man who speaks inProverbs 29:20 Do you see a man who speaks in

haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

Proverbs 17:27 A man of knowledge uses words withProverbs 17:27 A man of knowledge uses words with

restraint, and a man of understanding is even-temperedrestraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered..



■ ■ Respond Respond appropriatelyappropriately to your spouse. to your spouse.

We need to respond We need to respond emotionemotion for for emotionemotion!!

But don’t But don’t over-reactover-react..


4. Other Practical Tips4. Other Practical Tips

■ ■ Practice Practice radical honestyradical honesty..


The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life,The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life,

but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.



■ ■ Add Add humorhumor to your conversations. to your conversations.


A cheerful heart is good medicine, but aA cheerful heart is good medicine, but a

crushed spirit dries up the bones.crushed spirit dries up the bones.


An anxious heart weighs a man down, but aAn anxious heart weighs a man down, but a

kind word cheers him up.kind word cheers him up.



■ ■ Add Add humorhumor to your conversations. to your conversations.

Learn to takeLearn to take joy joy in the little things in the little things..

But don’t ever use humor to But don’t ever use humor to demeandemean your your

spouse.spouse.



■ ■ Use the “Use the “sandwich methodsandwich method””I know your deeds….toil and perseverance…cannotI know your deeds….toil and perseverance…cannot

tolerate evil men…you have perseverance…havetolerate evil men…you have perseverance…have

Endured…and have not grown weary. Endured…and have not grown weary.

'But I have this against you, that you have left your first'But I have this against you, that you have left your first

love. 'Therefore remember …repent…do love. 'Therefore remember …repent…do

'Yet this you do have, that you hate the deeds of the'Yet this you do have, that you hate the deeds of the

Nicolaitans, which I also hate.Nicolaitans, which I also hate.



■ ■ Use the “Use the “sandwich methodsandwich method””

Think of something positive to sayThink of something positive to say

beforebefore and and afterafter the tough stuff. the tough stuff.



■ ■ MakeMake time to talk. time to talk.

Daily Daily -- dinner together turn off TV-- dinner together turn off TV

Weekly Weekly -- have a weekly meeting-- have a weekly meeting

-- have a family calendar-- have a family calendar

PeriodicallyPeriodically -- have a Date Night (no kids!)-- have a Date Night (no kids!)

AnnuallyAnnually -- have a Planning Weekend-- have a Planning Weekend



■ ■ MakeMake time to talk. time to talk.

We We alwaysalways make time for the things that are make time for the things that are

important to us.important to us.

We should be We should be intentionalintentional about our long-term about our long-term

priorities.priorities.



■ ■ Develop a Develop a positive outlookpositive outlook on life. on life.


A happy heart makes the face cheerful….A happy heart makes the face cheerful….


…….the cheerful heart has a continual feast..the cheerful heart has a continual feast.

Prov 15:30 A cheerful look brings joy to theProv 15:30 A cheerful look brings joy to the

heart, and good news gives health to the bones.heart, and good news gives health to the bones.



Romans 8:31 - 39Romans 8:31 - 39

What, then, shall we say in response to this? What, then, shall we say in response to this?

It is It is God who justifiesGod who justifies. .

Christ Jesus…is at the right hand of God interceding Christ Jesus…is at the right hand of God interceding

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?

……in all these things in all these things we are more than conquerorswe are more than conquerors

……[[nothing] will be able to separate usnothing] will be able to separate us from the from the love of Godlove of God



Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always. Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always.

I will say it again: Rejoice!I will say it again: Rejoice!



Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always. Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always.

I will say it again: Rejoice!I will say it again: Rejoice!

As followers of Christ, we above all othersAs followers of Christ, we above all others

should have a should have a “half-full”“half-full” mindset. mindset.

Five Major Keys of Effective CommunicationFive Major Keys of Effective Communication

1. Maturing Character1. Maturing Character

2. Mutual Understanding2. Mutual Understanding

3. Unconditional Acceptance3. Unconditional Acceptance

4. Common Sense4. Common Sense

Spiritual

04 19 09 Mastering The Essentials Of Effective Communication Part 1 Keys To Effective Communication Communication Keys For Couples