DRAFTRunaway

Jonathan Dunnemann

Published by FastPencil

DRAFTCopyright © 2013 Jonathan Dunnemann

Published by FastPencil307 Orchard City DriveSuite 210Campbell CA 95008 USAinfo@fastpencil.com(408) 540-7571(408) 540-7572 (Fax)http://www.fastpencil.com

The author wishes to point out, that he is not a trained pastor, psychologist or an educator. What has beenprovided here is general knowledge and understanding gained through the writer’s personal life experienceand independent research. Therefore, any effort on the part of the reader to follow or apply the ideas orpractices expressed in this book are understood to be taken at the reader’s risk without judgment or preju-dice against the author.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, orby any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior consent ofthe publisher.

The Publisher makes no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of thecontents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for aparticular purpose. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any commercialdamages.

Printed in the United States of America.

First Edition

DRAFTThis book is dedicated Sal LeDonne the fastest kid in Caldwell,NJ in 1969, and my longtime and dear friend who provided me

with the inspiration to go ahead and tell my life story.

❧

DRAFT

DRAFTAcknowledgments

The following people have played an important role in mylife some knowingly others possibly not knowing untilnow: Susan Abend, Ralph Alterbaum, Julie Smithers-Best,Marshal Best (M2), Gina Biegel, Gary Boelhower, DanielButler, Jessie Butler, Mark T. Cannon, John L. CallowayIII, John Connor, Andre’ Deshong, Daniel E. Smithers-Dunnemann, Jeffrey Dunnemann, Jonathan W. Smithers-Dunnemann, Michele Dunnemann, Wilda I. Smithers-Dunnemann, MD, Marilyn Ericksen, Jody Fry, EdwardGarlette, James Garlette, Janet Garlette, John Garlette, BillGarlette, Elisabeth and William Greene, Jeff Hasani,Edward Hernandez, Brian Hill, William Anthony Hill,Alison Godfrey, Ivy Smithers-Holsey, Jessica Holsey, RonHolsey, Michael Holsey, Leonard Hooper, Sharon Y.Jackson, Karen Johnson, Phyllis Johnson, Antar Keith,Tarik Keith, Bill Keith, Laila Keith, Thomas H. King, Jr,Robert Landes, Ronald Lawson, Oscar Menendez, Caro-line McMenamin, Judi Neal, Lester J. Owens, Parker J.Palmer, Valerie Plaza, Gerald Porter, Ph.D., GregoryReeves, Connie Robinson, Michael J. Sclafani, Dane Reese,

DRAFTSheila Robinson, Velma R. Robinson, Shauna Shapiro,Nadine Schulze, Joe Sillay, Eva and Bill Smithers, JoeSuozzo, Ken Trimmer, Dr Mike Munro Turner, RickUdine, Ruth and Norm Walker, Dan Waller, Vivian War-field, Robert Wright, and Nancy Hansen-Zuschlag.

There is no way humanly possible for me to adequatelyshow each of these individuals how very grateful I am thatthey have been an influencing factor in my life other thanby trying to live fully, laugh often, and by continuing tolove them and express empathy toward all others that I amblessed to encounter in this world each and every day ofmy blessed life.

vi Acknowledgments

DRAFTContents

Preface ix

CHAPTER 1: Facing Your Demons 1

CHAPTER 2: Overactive and Underachieving 4

CHAPTER 3: A Turning Point 9

CHAPTER 4: Born in Montclair but forever a Caldwell ‘Chief’ 19

CHAPTER 5: Unconscious and Black 27

CHAPTER 6: Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone 31

CHAPTER 7: Going Global in the Summer of 1970 35

CHAPTER 8: Welcome to Clifford J. Scott High School 38

CHAPTER 9: Becoming Too Big for Your Own Britches 43

CHAPTER 10: Targeted Stabbing 54

CHAPTER 11: Senior Year A Breeze 58

CHAPTER 12: Awakening 60

CHAPTER 13: Graduate School or Work? 63

CHAPTER 14: Taking a Leap of Faith 66

CHAPTER 15: A Dream Deferred 69

DRAFTCHAPTER 16: Learn to Help Yourself 72

CHAPTER 17: Seeking Good Council 80

CHAPTER 18: To Be or Not To Be 86

CHAPTER 19: What Matters Most 88

CHAPTER 20: Perfection or Happiness? 94

CHAPTER 21: You Have Everything You Need 96

CHAPTER 22: The Purpose Evolution 101

CHAPTER 23: As For Me And My Calling 105

vi i i Contents

DRAFTPreface

If you’re not careful, you can end up spending nearly all ofyour life running away from just about anything andeverything rather than being still long enough to take areally good look around at where you are and then discov-ering for yourself that the things that you continue tosearch for can only be truly identified within you. All onereally needs to do you see is to stop long enough to formu-late the right questions:

• Who am I?• What is my purpose in life?• When will I be free?• Where am I going?• How am I going to get to where I need to go?

For as long as I can remember, I have been continuallyrunning after or away from something. Eventually, I cameto understand that what I was trying to do more than any-thing else is to escape the unpleasant conditions and reali-ties of what was for me an insufficient and unpleasanthome life.

DRAFTNever being one for sitting still, behaving all that well orvery skilled at deferring gratification, early on I becamequite the handful, and a bit of a recurring headache for anumber of my immediate caretakers.

Born the second of two boys, it was my older brother Jef-frey who was my keeper most of the time. That is the par-ticular role that was assigned to him by our single workingmother, Velma Rose Greene. Greene was her maidenname as the daughter of both William and ElisabethGreene who happily resided at 28 Melrose Place which islocated in West Caldwell, New Jersey.

My grandmother, Nana as we fondly call her, still lives inthe same ranch style home that her husband and ourGrandpa purchased back in the late 1950’s. This was amost remarkable achievement for Negroes in the UnitedStates during that time period. Nana, who is originallyfrom Virginia, became 103 years old on February 12th2014. Her Father’s, father Benjamin Feggin I am told, wasan Irishman.

Today, I wish that I knew the actual area in Ireland fromwhich his parents originated so that I might have the goodfortune of visiting there one day to pay my due familyrespect. That is because I have come to believe that somuch of who we are in life is about our connections to thepast and therefore I actively seek to truly honor all whocame before me.

Nana has always been and continues to be the true stal-wart of our family. Writing this personal story is just as

x Preface

DRAFTmuch a tribute to her and my grandfather as it is to somany other good people much like my friend Sal alongwith his older brother who played such a positive role inboth of our lives during preadolescence. The significanceof seeing Sal being raised by his loving older brotherpainted a contrasting picture for me of what family, love,and security actually looked like. All I can say is, what aloving brother and what a tremendously responsible son.

As a youth, I was a member of one of only four AfricanAmerican families then living in Caldwell, New Jersey formany years. All together, we were so few as to not be theleast bit disturbing to anybody else.

Long before I reached 12 years old, I began running awayfrom home. Initially, it was to the arms of my Nana. Ialways felt that she could understand another person’spain no matter their circumstances, as she unconditionallyaccepted and loved you, and would of course feed you andwarmly bed you down for the night until the raging stormof a young kid’s malcontent had gradually and safelyblown over.

Unfortunately, this propensity that I had for seekingescape and not directly accepting personal responsibilityfor my actions is something that would end up plaquingme for most of my young adult life. Consequently, out ofnecessity I continue to try and better understand how thisbehavior has generally impacted upon the person that Ihave grown to become.

Preface xi

DRAFTIf I were asked to define my life as a child, I guess that Iwould best describe myself as having been a perpetual run-away, a person who was constantly in search of the signifi-cance that I was not able to readily find at home.

xi i Preface

DRAFTCHAPTER 1

Facing Your Demons

dmittedly, I have found that trying to humbly, truth-fully, and respectfully tell one’s story can at times

produce a surprising strong level of anxiety. For thisreason, I did have to ask myself, am I prepared to revisitpast childhood hurts, personal missteps, shortcomings orold wounds, some of which may still prove mildly sore,with the degree of courage, honesty, humility, and wisdomthat may be required?

The truth is, this whole idea was really that of my juniorhigh school age friend Sal.

Last year, at the 40 year anniversary of James CaldwellHigh School student graduates he said, “Jonathan youshould go ahead and tell your story” that is, “where youstarted from in life and how you were able to eventuallyget to where you now find your “self.”

A

DRAFTWithout even saying anything, I sensed that Sal knewequally as well as I did that there had been a time in mypast life when facing particularly hard times and poorchoices seemingly made the possibility of my having abright and promising future look mighty bleak. After all,being a black, fatherless, poor, and skinny little kid was farfrom a golden ticket to a life of success back in the mid-to-late 1960’s in typical small town America.

Well, after giving Sal’s idea some serious thought for abouttwo weeks, it occurred to me that his suggestion mightactually be the best opportunity ever for me to finally ‘facemy demons’ by reflecting more intently on who I havemanaged to become, what I would like to now do with therest of my life, and most important of all, how I intend togo about making sure that I have finally learned to stick tomy guns when it comes to achieving the very things thatmatter most to me at this advancing stage in my life?

Today, quite obviously there are plenty of kids out there inthe mean streets of many neighborhoods that have itmuch tougher than I ever did. I believe that this is largelybecause these youth greatly lack the financial, emotional,social, and spiritual support often made available to meduring some of the most critical stages of my personaldevelopment.

In light of this, I thought to myself, let me now go aheadand make an attempt to look for the possible similaritiesembedded in my past experiences in life with the hope thatI can some how identify some personal frames of referencethat may offer encouragement, hope, and generate alterna-

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DRAFTtive ideas for today’s stuggling youth. I also feel verystrongly that I actually owe this to the next generation.

After all, each of us deep down inside has the need to domore than to just exist or to simply get by in this world.Our lives need to make sense to us first and foremost. Onthis, I feel confident that we can all easily agree.

JD

Facing Your Demons 3

DRAFTCHAPTER 2

Overactive and Underachieving

s a child, I proved to be far more than your averagesingle mother, on welfare, and with two other kids

could easily handle. I absolutely abhorred being still orstaying put. For the most part, it simply felt unnatural tome.

My older brother Jeffrey and younger sister Michelle werenever as prone to acting out, failing to follow rules or todisplaying a lack of self-control as much as I was. As amatter of fact, I think that I got into enough mischief forall of us.

It is quite possible that they felt sorry for me on occasionand wondered how one of their siblings could end uphaving to be spanked more frequently than they brushedtheir teeth. The reality is that there simply was no stoppingme and seemingly no limit to the ongoing pursuits of mywild and youthful imagination.

A

DRAFTBy today’s standards, I would have been labeled as havingattention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). TheADHD diagnosis in fact fit me so well that you could haveincluded my portrait alongside the definition as a pictureperfect example.

It seemed back then as though if I thought about some-thing long enough then the likely next step for me, as theNike slogan proclaims, was to ”Just do it!” For example,once a neighborhood friend came over to my house withhis new dart board and darts. We immediately went outinto the backyard to hang the dart board on a tree trunkand with great excitement we both began throwing dartsat the colorful bulls-eye target. After seemingly hours andhours of practice, I mistakenly got it into my head that Iwas pretty darn good.

Impulsively and recklessly, I thought that I could easilystrike the dartboard while my friend was still standingdirectly in front of it. With his back to me and without anyforewarning, I threw one of the darts at the target. Regret-ably, it went completely off mark and ended up piercingmy friends right earlobe sending him into the loudest pos-sible cry of agony and pain.

Clearly, I did not think about how I might be endangeringmy friend. My poor judgment and self-deception wasframed in wrongly thinking that I had somehow gained alevel of mastery over dart throwing that would allow me toperform an incredible feat like those only seen then on thetelevision screen or done as part of some spectacularcircus act.

Overact ive and Underachieving 5

DRAFTWithout a doubt, my friend’s parents concluded that I wasan absolute menous to society and as a result, I swiftly lostwhat for me was a close childhood friendship forever, anddeservedly so. I also got one hell of a beating from myMother later that afternoon which was equally well-earned.

There is probably a very good chance that my Mother mayhave also thought that I was a little touched in the headbut I do not recall her having ever said anything asalarming as that. Heaven knows, I certainly put myMother through an aweful lot as a kid.

Unbeknownst to others, for this and other misdeeds, I wassent to the in-school guidance counselor and an out-of-school psychologist all in an attempt to try and figure outonce and for all why I was so prone to being such aproblem child.

My Mother did express concern from time to time that Iwas going to end up being just like my father who sheapparently believed was no damn good and never wouldamount to anything.

However, she never did provide me with any more infor-mation than that. I suppose the mere fact that he was notpresent in our lives even though we sorely needed himcould easily be viewed as sufficient justification for hernegative feelings on the matter.

Some of the adults who were familiar with me would arguefrom time to time in my favor stating their case, that I was

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DRAFTa likable and not at all an outright mean-spirited kid.Regardless of this factor, my judgement was routinelypoor and I often did need close supervision.

Unfortunately, there were a couple of other kids in theneighborhood who were also deficient in the importantarea self-control. Since we knew one another, much to theconsternation of our parents, we tended to gravitatetoward each other with the common prospect of creatingan enormous amount of excitement for ourselves.

As is often said, mischief does seem to love company.

Before long, the overwhelming recommendation by otherswas to try and involve me in organized extra-curriculumactivities. Preferably, the sort that would require that Ipractice closely following rules, assimilate positive virtues,and become regularly exposed to exemplary male rolemodels that would be apt to sit on me so to speak if I evenslightly looked like I was about to get out of line.

Of course, I initially resisted such efforts but the talentedpeople that were inserted into my life would prove thebetter in successfully wearing me down, channeling myenergy, and progressively guiding me in completing all ofmy assigned tasks whether it was in summer camp, weeklychurch activities or the recreational activities provided atthe YMCA were I learned to regularly participate in artsand crafts, swimming, and playing basketball.

The combination of these efforts served to build my self-confidence, facilitated my making new friendships, and

Overact ive and Underachieving 7

DRAFTserved to improve my ability to focus on tasks both insideand outside of the classroom. As a result, my grades beganmoving upwards. It also became increasingly clear to methat no matter how good an athlete you were, if yourgrades were not up to par then you could not be permittedto enjoy the priviledge of participating in school sports, orreceiving the accolades and popularity that often comesalong with being a school athlete.

Being every bit the attention seeking sort of rascal that Iwas and having reached the start of puberty, beingcounted out of sports would no longer do for me. I washooked on eventually becoming a good athelete.

Don’t let me fool you though, for the longest time I wasstill tremendously overactive, albeit less prone to being anunderachiever in most areas.

8 Runaway

DRAFTCHAPTER 3

A Turning Point

ne of the worst habits that I picked up and struggledwith during my childhood, was the tendency to take

things that did not belong to me. A Psychologist’s mightvery well refer to this as having poor impulse control.

Let me be blunt, I was a thief. On one occasion, my grand-father told a family whose house we were visiting for theevening that “if you have anything valuable laying aroundlike money or jewelry then you had better put it upbecause my grandson is a thief and given the chance hewill steal from you!”

Was I embarrassed by my Grandfather’s statement? Yes, Iwas. Nevertheless, what he said was true. I imagine that hefelt that providing a very clear and cautionary messageregarding my dishonest, selfish and untrustworthybehavior was an important duty and public responsibility.

O

DRAFTLooking back, I came to realize that this dishonestbehavior all started with something as seemingly innocentas sneaking cookies out of my Grandmother’s cookie jarwhich she kept in the kitchen. Learning this feat tookplenty of repeated practice for me to be able to actuallyacomplish the task without detection. It most certainlyrepresented a defiant refusal to accept the rules defined byothers or to self-regulate in way that allowed for thedeferral of sensory gratification.

In time, I moved on to taking money from the purses andwallets of immediate family that is until everyone finallystopped leaving their valuables lying around within mygeneral line of sight.

These actions culminated with my shoplifting just aboutanything and everything (i.e., candy, food, clothing, comicbooks, jewelry, and small electronic items) prior to for-mally becoming a teenager.

Between age 10 to 12 years old I had been caught stealing anumber of times, sternly warned, and then asked not toreturn to certain places of business by store owners. It hadnot as yet resulted in any direct or serious consequencesinvolving law enforcement. I imagine that right now, youare probably wondering, how in the world could this havebeen the case?

Well one afternoon, when I was in the eighth grade andliving with my grandparents, I finally got caught in asupermarket by the store detective as I was trying toremove a record album from beneath my coat so that I

10 Runaway

DRAFTcould place it back on a shelf inside the store. I decided totake this action because I thought that I may have beenseen while attempting to conceal the item.

Yes in fact, I was “busted” and as a result, I got marchedstraight to the business office where the store detectivesubsequently contacted the police department and notifiedthem of my unlawful actions.

Then, for the very first time, upon hearing the store detec-tive state that he was going to drive me to the police sta-tion, I became very scared over the possible consequencesof my actions. I assumed at that point that I would bearrested and ultimately locked up.

Once we arrived at the police station, they contacted myGrandfather informing him that while the supermarkethad decided that they were not going to press charges thatmy Grandpa would still be required to come over to thepolice station, sign some papers, at which point I wouldthen be released into his custody.

Well guess what? My Grandpa refused to come and getme. That’s right. He said, “you can keep my grandsonthere with you over night!” “Maybe it will really do himsome good.”

What? I thought to my self.

Subsequently, I had to be driven back to my grandparentshouse by the police in broad daylight which meant that allthe neighbors would see me along with my Grandpa

A Turning Point 11

DRAFTstanding there and looking none to pleased peering out ofthe front storm door of his house.

Let me now share with you a bit about my grandfather.Grandpa was a professional barber who owned his busi-ness located in Montclair, New Jersey. He was a very dig-nified and well respected person in the community wherehe worked as well as the one in which he lived. I think itfair to say, that most people found him to be a man of fewwords and highly principled.

Grandpa never really had to say much because you couldgenerally tell what he was thinking or whether heapproved or disapproved of your actions simply by takinga good look at the expression on his face. Well, on thatparticular day and in that moment upon arriving back athis house, his face seemed to say it all. “Boy, have you lostyour mind?”

Later that same evening, we had dinner together as ifnothing had happened. When our meal finished, Grandpaproceeded to say, in a very matter of fact manner, “thepolice have never been to this house before for any reasonuntil today Jonathan, and today you brought shame uponour home by having them bring you home for shop-lifting.” “Stealing is something that you have repeatedlybeen told by your Mother, Nana, and I not to ever do.”

He followed up his proceeding comments with, “I wantyou to have your suit case packed by first thing tomorrowmorning because you cannot stay here in this house with

12 Runaway

DRAFTus any longer.” “You must now go back to living underyour Mother’s roof.”

That was the end of what he had to say. I was being kickedout.

That night, I didn’t sleep at all. The seriousness of the sit-uation made it impossible for me to get the slightest bit ofrest. The one thing that kept running through my mindover and over again was, “what have I done?” An impor-tant factor to consider but clearly to late to be taken seri-ously.

The next morning, while we were in route to the town ofMontclair from Caldwell, my Grandpa hadn’t said a singleword to me and his prolonged silence felt to me as thoughI was being slowly tortured. I didn’t know what to think.In fact, I couldn’t even think straight. I was just scared.

When he finally did speak, it was to say “Jon you are 12years old now and very soon you’re going to become ateenager. I think that it is about time for you to startthinking seriously about exactly what kind of man youwant to grow up to become in life.”

Frankly, I don’t think that I had even started giving thisconcept very much thought. Grandpa then said, “Thechoices that you are making right now are bad ones and ifyou go on making choices like the one that you made yes-terday then they are going to surely lead you right into areformatory school or even worse straight to jail. I knowthat you’re not a stupid kid.” “So, let me ask you this, is

A Turning Point 13

DRAFTthat the kind of future life that you really want for your-self?”

“Because you do not have a good relationship with yourMother and your father is not present in your life, bothNana and I had decided to let you stay with us. However,in light of what you’ve done, you are going to have to livewith the consequences of your actions and now figure outfor yourself how to make the most of a situation that youhave actually gone and made much worse.”

It was crystal clear that Grandpa was deeply disappointedwith me. But, I think that he still believed that I could takethis poor conduct and possibly learn from my mistake if Ireally spent the right amount of time thinking about whatI wanted, what I needed to do differently, and began tofocus more attention on making better choices going for-ward. Still, it would be soley up to me to now do.

It didn’t take me very long to be able to see for myself thatabsent Nana’s and Grandpa’s love and support, my lifewas going to get harder than I could possibly imagine andthat was a pretty terrifying thought to me at the time.

As I grew older and came to recognize how worriedGrandpa was for me, I also came to more fully appreciatehow hard it must have been for him to respond to my sit-uation in the way that he did. It was one the most lovingthing that he could have done for me and it proved to bethe real turning point in my preadolescent life.

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DRAFTAccording to Nana, at no time did Grandpa ever let go ofhis hope for me.

For the first time in my young life, not only did a feel likean idiot but it also felt awful to see how badly that I hadboth hurt, disrespected, and destroyed my grandfather’strust. I have always remembered that long car ride back tomy Mother’s home the next morning and even as I writethis story I can still hear Grandpa’s lingering words as ifthey were freshly being spoken to me today.

When I walked back into my Mother’s housethat morning only to hear say to me that she always knewthat I would fail and that once again I had to accept whatseemed to me at the time to be her extremely harsh disci-plinary practices and punishments, well I knew right thenand there that I simply could not return to living underher roof again. I had been out from under her direction fornearly one year and God bless her but she had lost me tothe world outside. I do not blame my Mother for any ofmy past behavior, my character flaws or the bad decisionsthat I made in my life. They were always conscious choicesmade by me. I gradually learned that what ultimately mat-ters most in life is to hold ourselves fully accountable forour actions. No one else.

That day though, I decided to run away again for the thir-teenth and final time never to return home to my Motheragain. Suddenly, I was less afraid of the outside worldmost likely because I did not as yet have any idea of what Ishould be afraid of.

A Turning Point 15

DRAFTFor the remainder of that year, I lived in a neighbor’s treehouse, a dog house, on local golf course benches, andwhen possible I alternated between friends homes for sev-eral days and even weeks at a time. All of this took placeright within Caldwell, New Jersey.

During that period, I thankfully wore my friends clothesand I was often financially supported by their parents. Iwas very fortunate not to have experienced any harm or tohave succumbed to doing further damage to myself orothers. All that I can tell you is that more than anythingelse I wanted to survive and become good person. In manyways, I was largely surrounded by goodness and you canbet that during that rough period I was clinging on to mysurroundings ever so tightly for my dear life.

When I finally ran out of good will, I ended up becoming award of the State of New Jersey under the Division ofYouth and Family Services (DYFS) and I was eventuallyplaced in a Children’s Shelter located in Bellville, NewJersey for the remainder of that school year. Later in thesummer of 1968, under the National Fresh Air Fund Pro-gram, I was sent away to a camp located in Mountaindale,New York for the better part of that summer.

With what proved to be extra time on my hands and notenough to do I was fortunate to have found a part-time jobworking in a Jewish bakery (i.e., Friedman’s) where Ilearned how to make bagels and Halla Bread as a paidBaker’s Assistant.

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DRAFTIn the afternoons and evenings, I played basketball withthe two older young men also working at the bakery; Barrywho attended Niagara University in New York and hisyounger brother, who was attending St Bonaventure Uni-versity in New York. Nearly every day we played togetheragainst other talented college basketball players whosefamilies were vacationing in the Sullivan County area ofupstate New York.

Truly, I was learning on my feet how to make the most ofmy opportunities while also managing to stay out oftrouble as much as possible. I was introduced at that timeto alcohol, drugs, and sex. None of these diversions evercame to dominate my life because whenever I wasremoved from such cirmcumstances I always returnedback to the safe haven of Caldwell, New Jersey. That is notto say that these things could not be found there as well.However, the difference was that the friends and familiesthat I was most familiar with were far more protective overwhat their kids did, where they went, and who they spenttime with. As a result, I benefited from their care, lifestyle,and overarching concern for every local area kids generalwell-being. For the most part, my friends and I were typi-cally to busy to really get into too much mschief. Weweren’t angels by any means but we were seriously afraidof really screwing things up for ourselves or anyone elsefor that matter.

Years later, back in the good graces of my grandparent’s,during one of the many Sunday afternoon’s that I spenthaving dinner at their house I took the opportunity to tellmy Grandpa how much I loved him and how thankful I

A Turning Point 17

DRAFTwas for all that he had done for me throughout my entirechildhood. Moreover, I let him know too, that if he hadnot shown me the sort of tough love that he did when I infact needed it the most that I might not have been asdriven in late adolescence to get into college or to see mystudies through to completion with the hope of one daymaking him feel proud that I had gained the capability towisely learn from my past mistakes.

My grandparents proudly attended my high school gradu-ation from Clifford J. Scott High School in East Orange,NJ back in 1973 and I continued to have a very close andloving relationship with them throughout my years at col-lege including my travels to England, France, Italy, Ger-many and Austria during the summer going into mysenior year at Holy Cross College located in Worcester,Massachusetts.

18 Runaway

DRAFTCHAPTER 4

Born in Montclair but forever aCaldwell ‘Chief’

ith the summer of 1968 drawing to a close, I had noplace to return to other than back at the Bellville

Children’s Shelter in New Jersey. It remained unclear thenwhere I would end up going to school during my forth-coming freshmen year of junior high school.

Going back home was no longer a viable option. I had offi-cially become a foster child.

My first preference was to return to Caldwell where myclosest friends were: John, Brian, Mark, Eddie, Ricky,Richie, Dave, Glen, Frank, Ken and others. I always had anenormous attachment to my community. It is there that Ifelt the most connected, loved, and safe. I was determinedto some how right my past, make good, and stand tallalongside my friends as a fellow champion either in some

W

DRAFTsport or other arena of life before having to one day moveon.

Back then, even when we weren’t all involved in the sameactivities we still made it a point to support our buddieslike Richie, Glen and Dave Rice with their wrestling andwe were able to empathize with them during their crazydieting practices along with those hot showers that theywould resort to walking through in their wet suits all in aneffort to get themselves down to their correct weight leveljust in time for their upcoming wrestling match of thatday.

At one point, in the late summer of 1968, I recall tele-phoning and then begging a couple of male teachers totake me in for just one year so that I could at least com-plete ninth grade at Grover Cleveland Junior High Schoolin Caldwell. However, it was not going to be possiblebecause in each case neither of these single men weredeemed to be able to provide a suitable family atmospherefor a teenager.

Soon thereafter, it was actually my Mother who contactedthe Garlette family to ask them if it might be possible forme to live with them. Their son John and I had been thebest of friends all throughout elementary school.

In my view, what my Mother did was probably humil-iating, yet very loving, and sadly I never found a way orthe occasion to thank her. I wish that I had done sobecause she deserved to know that her humility and lovewas and is to this day greatly appreciated by me.

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DRAFTThankfully, the Garlettes said yes making a second stay inthe Bellville shelter a very brief one. I then becameenrolled at Grover Cleveland Junior High School a weekor two into the school year and I could not have been ahappier camper.

John and I shared a bedroom together that year and it wasawesome being at the Garlette dining room table for everymeal with Mom, Dad, and five other kids (i.e., Bill, Janet,John, James and Eddie) from which their parents wantedto hear each kid regularly recap the special events of theirday.

The amount of milk, bread, cookies and other food itemsthat we all went through every day would absolutely blowyour mind. Everyone was sure to see to it that I always hadenough to eat.

There were times during my early childhood that I canrecall going into the local supermarket and opening upbags of potato chips and cookies and eating them right inthe store because I was that hungry. As a family living onwelfare assistance it was rare for us to have a refrigeratorfull of food throughout the entire month. The last week ofthe month was always the most difficult and without storecredit there were times when we would have to gowithout much more than bread, cheese, milk, and peanutbutter.

Mrs. Garlette’s French toast and stuffed peppers andSpanish rice were among some of my most favorite mealswhile I lived with them. In fact, she served Spanish rice

Born in Montclair but forever a Caldwel l… 21

DRAFTand stuffed peppers once a week just for me. She was avery kind and special lady!!! God bless her soul.

Mrs. Garlette would bring home clothes for me to try onregularly. I have no idea where they came from but theyususally were a good fit. Those that were not becamequickly gathered up by the rest of the guys in the house.No questions were asked.

On occasion, Mr. Garlette would personally take me shop-ping for a nice overcoat or light spring jacket at the Cald-well Men’s Shop with the clothing allowance that the Stateof New Jersey provided for foster kids on a quarterlybasis.

The Garlette family made sure that I never wanted foranything that year. I was very, very happy and I know thatI was loved by my new family. It was evident to me thathaving two parents: Mother and Father created a com-pletely different dynamic in the home. The householdoperated more like a team. As kids, we all had twocoaches and one or the other was always present and wewere equally accountable to both. Things ran moresmoothly and you could always find much needed reassur-ance so there really was no need to look outside the housefor a sense of worth.

John loved music and so did Bill a trumpet player. Johnintroduced me to Sly Stone, Blood, Sweat and Tears, all ofthe Beatles albums, Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones,and the incredibly talented group YES. Even now, I amstill very fond of music because it is something that can

22 Runaway

DRAFTeasily be shared with others and I find that it truly doessooth the soul. Listening to enjoyable music is often myescape from the demanding problems of the day or an oth-erwise restless mind.

Janet was and I am sure still is a very pretty, sweet, quietand smart lady. She served as a ‘Candy Striper’ at a nearbyhospital on Sunday afternoons and I always admired herfor the compassion that she displayed by becoming a dedi-cated volunteer so early in her life.

Every evening, Mrs. Garlette made herself available foranyone that needed help with their homework. Therewould be no excuse on anyone’s part for receiving poorgrades. We knew where to find the help that we neededand Bill as the oldest and Janet as an A-student bothpitched in wherever necessary.

If my memory serves me correctly, I remember that Mr.Garlette used to enjoy watching cartoons early on Sat-urday mornings. While sitting in a folding chair he wouldlaugh out loud like Santa Claus which I thought was a littlestrange at the time. Looking back in retrospect, I now seehis deliberate actions quite differently. They look far morelike an important chosen end of week release: a kind of‘humor therapy’ of sorts. What a very clever man Mr. Gar-lette showed himself to be?

Yes, I was also blessed to be able to experience becoming aCaldwell ‘Chief’ by playing football that fall for the firsttime in my life which was all the more special for me giventhat my Mother had always refused to let me do so. She

Born in Montclair but forever a Caldwel l… 23

DRAFTfelt that I was to frail to play football. In reality, I probablywas too skinny but I found it really difficult to accept thenotion that I couldn’t do something especially if itinvolved being actively engaged with my best friends.

Our then Coach Ken Trimmer used to let Sal LaDonneand I race each other along with the rest of the team at theend of every day’s football practice.

We were the two fastest kids on the team back then. Iguess like every other young boy I just wanted to know formyself and I also wanted to prove to others that I couldmeasure up with anybody.

Honestly, I don’t think that I ever actually beat Sal in afoot race but it sure was one great thrill for me being theonly kid who ever came close to keeping up with him.

Boy, could he move his feet.

Something else that I vividly remember is Coach Trimmermaking me run “sweep right, 26, on 1” at least a dozentimes in a row during football practice. I didn’t know itthen but he was trying to help me overcome the fear that Ihad of getting tackled and at the same time to widen myvision when running. During the next game that weplayed that season he sent me in to run a play, you guessedit was a sweep to the right or left I don’t recall that detail.However, I actually gained yardage for the team. In thatspecial moment, I could feel and hear the whole teampulling for me and I wanted to do my very best. That daysomeone who was in the position to do so gave me a fair

24 Runaway

DRAFTchance and because they had prepared me they trustedthat no matter what I might face that I would be capable ofdoing my best and absent of fear. After that day, I thinkthat I felt as though I could take it from there.

Thank you so much Coach Trimmer for teaching me avery empowering life lesson.

By now, I am pretty sure that you have begun to see howmuch I loved what was and continues to be a very multi-ethnic and working class community less than 40 mileswest of Manhattan, New York.

Although I was black, being an athlete afforded me anopportunity to break down some barriers to acceptancefrom my peers as well as other members of the wider com-munity. This fortunately extended to the rather delicatearea of dating outside my race. This was still very muchforbidden at the time.

Either I would have to invent a strategy for dating whitegirls or there would be no dating girls at all for me. Therewere no black or Hispanic girls my age in my school orelsewhere in the neighborhood at the time.

There were some white girls and their parents that wouldpermit us to go to a dance or maybe even a movie togetherand of course there were others who wouldn’t think ofallowing such a think to take place. I really think that theirconcern was probably more out of what others mightthink of them rather than their own outright dislike ofblack people or an actual mistrust of me in particular.

Born in Montclair but forever a Caldwel l… 25

DRAFTThose were simply the times that everyone was living in.However, the race issue was never big enough in my life tomake me feel significantly less than anyone else. Thankyou to Allison, Toby, Nancy, and Karen for the accept-ance, courage, friendship and the kindness that you allshowed me as close and special social acquaintances.

For my age, I was progressing into a fairly skilled basket-ball player. As a result, both Jeff Edwards and I wereinvited by Coach Trimmer to practice with the Varsityplayers at James Caldwell High School at the end of ourfreshman season. This was a very significant honor thatCoach extended to at least one or two freshman playersevery year.

Coach Trimmer kept a pretty watchful eye on me all of thetime as all truly caring coaches tend to do with their upand coming athletic prospects. This is certainly anothervery good reason today for young boys and girls to look atbecoming actively involved in school sports.

26 Runaway

DRAFTCHAPTER 5

Unconscious and Black

n the Spring of 1970, my older cousin Andre’ Deshongwho was also going through the Caldwell school system

began taking more of an interest in my life and in partic-ular the extent to which I was lacking in an importantsense of black consciousness.

Andre had recently become involved with a Black Men’sorganization (the Congress of African People (a nation-alist organization) located in East Orange, New Jersey thatwas inspired by the dramatist, novelist and poet, AmiriBaraka (LeRoi Jones) from Newark, New Jersey then oneof the most respected and widely published African-American writers. The leader of this east orange group,Balozi Zayd Muhammad was also the head of the PanAfrican Organization (a united organization of groupsfrom the United States, the West Indies, and the conti-nents of South America and of Africa and of which theCommittee for a United Newark and B.C.D. were mem-

I

DRAFTbers) an official NGO then affiliated with the UnitedNations.

Upon my first meeting with the organizations leader;Balozi, I was asked a number of rather direct questionsand I did not recognize right in that moment that an elab-orate and systematic process of social indoctrination hadbegun on the dangers of being overwhelmingly influencedby Western European Culture and “white people” in gen-eral. I had not previously heard anyone speak in themanner that he did that day concerning the negative influ-ences of western civilization or colonialization. I wasintimidated and intrigued at the same time. Balozi spokewith the commanding authority of a father figure possiblyexplaining to his son some of the cold and hard facts oflife.

Eventually, I would come to see Balozi as a very charis-matic, articulate, authority on African and Black Amer-ican history with seemingly sincere prophetic aspirationsas a black leader and activist. At that time, there were tenother men living in his home. All of them were stronglycommitted to black activism, entrepreneurialism, and asthey would often say, ‘nation building.’ What the homedid not have as yet was a local area youth being groomedto become a community organizer and leader in either oneof the two existing high schools in the town of EastOrange. In a relatively short period of time, I wouldbecome the first of their many intended ‘student recruits’.

Balozi went on to inform me that my cousin Andre hadspoken with him about the prospect of my becoming more

28 Runaway

DRAFTexposed to someone with his professional stature, knowl-edge, interests and experience in serving as a mentor toother black males. Moreover, he discussed with me theadvantages that existed in gaining an ongoing exposure tomultiple role models who were attending colleges in thearea, not to overlook the broad range of programming thatthey had already begun sponsoring in the surroundingcommunity through their partnering relationship withAmiri Baraka’s Kawaida, a Black Muslim organizationwhich focused on African and Black American history,Swahili language, the mother tongue of the Swahili people,adherence with the teachings of Islam, African culture andwearing traditional dress, and the teaching of high levelMartial Arts training in Chinese Kung Fu.

Surely you can imagine how overwhelming all of this musthave seemed to a fatherless fifteen year old black kid stillcompletely wet behind his ears. Right there, on that day,Balozi offered me a welcoming seat at his table andexpressed to me that he would be willing to become mylegal guardian and to thereby mentor me like his very ownson.

Subsequently, to mark what he felt was our providentialmeeting and my anticipated acceptance of his offer, Balozigave me an endearing new name: Akili. The meaning ofthe name Akili he explained is ‘Wisdom, intellect, sense’ inSwahili. With my head now seemingly swimming in theclouds, I left his house that day wondering what had justtaken place?

Unconscious and Black 29

DRAFTThe most significant take away from all of this for me wasthat I no longer had to concern myself with trying tomiraculously change into being white, Christian, orRepublican to symbolically become a person of worth orto gain economic, educational, intellectual, political, socialor spiritual acceptance and stature in America. So for me,our meeting served as an absolutely myth defying day.

30 Runaway

DRAFTCHAPTER 6

Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone

ne year earlier you would of had to gag me, tie meup, and drag me away from the Garlette’s screaming

and kicking, Caldwell, and pretty much all that I had everknown up to that point in time. My cousin Andre’ hadmanaged to single-handedly bring about a most significantchange in my life and he had done so in record time. Backthen, I would do almost anything that Andre advisedbecause I loved and admired him that much. He was theoldest male cousin and grandchild in our family, and anatural born leader.

While it may have taken me a couple of weeks to fully rundeep into this new way of life, it had already begun to dis-tort how I came to view remaining under the tutelage of awhite family.

Regretfully, my departure from the Garlette householdwas not a most respectful or sufficiently graceful one. I

O

DRAFTmistakenly expressed unjustified dissatisfaction with con-tinuing to live under their roof and did so projecting aconsiderable amount of misdirected arrogance. I may evenhave uttered a few insulting remarks in the final hours as amember of their household. Shame on me!

It was a mean, hurtful, and inexcusable thing to do. This issomething that I came to deeply regret.

Many years later, I purposely revisited the Garlette house-hold to thank them all for what they had done for me, thelove that they provided to me, and to humbly ask them toplease forgive me for my past unappreciative and disre-spectful behavior. True to their good nature, they wereimmensely kind and willing to do so. Mr. and Mrs. Gar-lette said that they never thought any less of me over whathappened because they were able to understand how nec-essary it had become for me as a struggling black youth toseek and eventually establish a sense of personal identity.How about that?

More recently, I have been able to further express my lovedirectly to Bill, Ed, James and John, and I hope that Janetalso becomes equally aware of how much I shall alwayslove and treasure the very special sisterly relationship thatwe shared during an important time in each of our lives.

Upon moving into my new place of residence on LincolnStreet in East Orange, I discovered that I would berooming with a much older gentleman, Kaymu (pro-nounced ki-e-mu). He explained to me that everyone wasresponsible for maintaining the home and for that reason

32 Runaway

DRAFTwe would be sharing all of the day-to-day chores based ona schedule of duties posted weekly.

I was expected to make my bed every day, do my ownlaundry every week, wash dishes, and complete some ofthe outdoor seasonal maintenance duties of keeping thegrounds looking their best. These were things that Ialready knew how to do and had previously done underboth my Mother’s and Grandpa’s direction once I became10 years old. So, this all looked to me to be a real piece ofcake. Certainly, nothing that I couldn’t handle.

There were no restrictions made on what school activitiesI could participate in as long as they did not end up nega-tively affecting my grades. In fact, I was strongly encour-aged to participate in other school activities besidessports. Some of the examples that were given to me included the school newspaper, the student government,the black student union or possibly the school debateteam.

Lastly, it was explained to me that Balozi as a UN repre-sentative regularly invited first time visiting foreign offi-cials from other nations to his home, whereby he providedtraditional dishes and festivities, and transportation andsecurity guard services on an as needed basis. As amember of the household, I would be expected to bepresent for all of these gatherings, to work at learning tospeak Swahili, to be mindful of the Muslim traditions andpractices of several members of the household, and lastlyto take self-defense training classes under the organiza-tion’s Sensi who was also living there in the home.

Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone 33

DRAFT34 Runaway

DRAFTCHAPTER 7

Going Global in the Summer of 1970

uring the summer of 1970, Kaymu was invited toattend the United Nations International World

Youth Conference on the Environment to be held atMcMaster University located in Hamilton, Ontario. Hehad purchased two tickets hoping that one of the othermen in the house would be able to join him. Kaymu thendecided now that he had a new roommate that I should bethe first person to be asked to join him for this nearly weeklong event. Even though I had never flown on a planebefore and knew absolutely nothing about environmentalissues what do you think I said when Kaymu asked me toaccompany him? Why yes of course, with no hesitationwhatsoever. In my mind, I was about to fast become aglobal explorer.

Together, we flew right out of JFK Airport in New York toOttawa, Canada and from there on to Ontario where Ieagerly attended every single session that Kaymu signed us

D

DRAFTup for. As a result, we were able to meet people from allover the world that week.

Most of the workshops that we attended focused on issuespertaining to West Africa. Because Kaymu was fluent inspeaking French, he easily made new friends with youthfrom Mali, Benin, Ghana, Liberia, Senegal and Nigeria.What a incredible experience that week proved to be for usboth. For me, it felt as though I was back at the New YorkWorld’s Fair all over again amidst people from all over theglobe.

There was one thing that I was a little uncomfortable withbut still unable to escape.

Apparently, you could not truly call yourself a programparticipant if you did not advance any questions, makeany statements, or share any acknowledgement of currentfacts at the sessions. With that being the case, my room-mate and newest mentor insisted that I come up with atleast two questions to ask in each and every Englishspeaking presentation that we were scheduled to attend. Idid manage to do so despite my reluctance.

Later in the year, upon review of some reporting on theevent, we discovered that at age 15, I was the youngestperson to attend the conference. Overall, the average ageof the attendees ranged between 21 and 35 years old. TheWorld Youth Conference on the Environment experiencegreatly expanded my sense of wonder and excitementabout the world in which we live.

36 Runaway

DRAFTShortly after we returned to New Jersey, Balozi was sched-uled to host a dinner at home for Julius KambarageNyerere a Tanzanian politician who served as the firstPresident of Tanzania followed by a another dinner forJomo Kenyatta the first president of Kenya and a promi-nent independence leader.

Several of us went to JFK Airport to welcome our guests tothe United States and then transported them by limousinefrom New York to New Jersey and then back to the hotelsthat they were staying at during their brief visit to theUnited Nations and for their other stops at different land-mark locations in New York City.

Going Global in the Summer of 1970 37

DRAFTCHAPTER 8

Welcome to Clifford J. Scott HighSchool

y entry into tenth grade at Clifford J. Scott HighSchool was as that of a youth inspired. Not only did

I want to but I actually believed that in some way I couldchange the world. Absent from my mind at the time, wasany concept of personal limits.

The embers of promise were afoot in my heart howevermy size eleven feet ended up becoming entangled on thefootball field one Saturday afternoon against our opponentin Roselle, New Jersey as I tried to tackle a player on theopposing team then returning the ball on a kickoff. Theoutcome was that I ended up fracturing my right ankle.

The hard cast that I wore was supposed to remain on myankle for a total of eight weeks. However, I impulsivelydecided to cut it off two weeks early with a dull steak knife

M

DRAFTso that I could start getting myself into shape in time forjunior varsity basketball tryouts that year.

Not at all in peak form, I still managed to survive CoachBrian Hill’s cut. This is the same Brian Hill who went onto become the head coach of the Orlando Magic from1993 to 1997 and is the Magic’s most successful coach witha record of 191–104. During that time period, he led theMagic to their first NBA Finals in 1995 and also led theteam to a 60-22 record the following season. Coach Hillonce told me that he thought I could go on to become agood college basketball player based on the sound funda-mental skills that I displayed at the time as a high schoolsophomore. He also strongly urged me to concentrate onone sport. Regretably, I did not heed his sage advise andas result I failed to ever progress to my fullest potential asa player. Many times, I have looked back and wished that Ihad taken his words to heart. Who knows what might wellhave been?

That year, our J.V. team was pretty talented and at the tailend of the season I got the chance to play in two varsitygames one being for our team’s birth in the Essex Countytournament where I started in one game at the small for-ward position.

Another activity that I became involved in that year wasthe “Bagpipe”, our school newspaper where I filled the roleof reporter. Below, I have included a number of brief arti-cles which show how my home environment had begun toshape my developing social, cultural, and politicalthinking.

Welcome to Cl i f ford J. Scott High School 39

DRAFTBlacks, Be Proud! Make Your Future!

In America today we-the young-have become the deter-miners as our forefathers were the founders. And our chil-dren, instead of becoming inheritors, will become victimsof society unless we young brothers and sisters unite togive importance to the basic belief that ALL men are cre-ated equal.

Many Afro-Americans have the weakness of leaning on,easing up, watching thereby failing to pursue no further,saying that as long as Mr. I. M. White is at the top, he willnot let them have and hold onto nothing. But we have ouridentity, our purpose, and our direction; now we muststrive for and maintain our future-speaking, creating,naming, and defining for ourselves instead of beingspoken for and defined by others.

In 1936, Jesse Owens won the hurdles relay in the Olym-pics in Germany. Adolph Hitler refused to shake his handand walked out of the stadium. Since then great men likeJesse Owes have symbolized blacks rising in America. Inour own lifetime Martin Luther King, Jr. lived what Pat-rick Henry gave only lip service to: “Liberty or Death.” Hedied leading us to the mountain top. If we are to ever godown the other side of the mountain, if the many failingsof our forefathers are to be amended, then we must fulfillour dreams together.

Blacks come to understand that you are lovers and sons oflovers, warriors and sons of warriors, poets and sons ofpoets, and all the loveliness here in the world. A brother

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DRAFTrecently said, “I’m going to tell it like it is.” Black brotherswe are on our way to greatness. We have learned that inorder to love we must love who and what we are.

We now know and will remember that there is no suchthing as nigger. Rise up and reach out, Black America,toward a better tomorrow.

Here is one other example,

Think, People, Think! Love Opens Your Life

Hey world, can you tell me why is it… Why is it our greatblack artists, our writers, our poets, and our other imagesdo not become more dominant images, but a day I hadused? We believe our life after death is our children andour great works. Thus our black poets die from not beingread. Our images die from society causing erosion of theirminds. Most poets seldom die from overexposure.

Brothers and Sisters: Those of us who are thought to bewise, but are always criticizing, are a severe blow towardsbrothers and sisters who have yet to get an assist whichpaves the way to their greatness. This is simply because wetalk without really conveying to the outside what we reallyfeel on the inside. I’ve learned a great deal in this last yearabout my people and about myself. Why we are here andwhat is our first cause. I’ve just recently learned what itmeans to be a brother, a nationalist. With this knowledge,I now know that brothers and sisters can no longer besilent, unconscious robots. You must establish a voicealong with a combined union. I have also yet to change yet

Welcome to Cl i f ford J. Scott High School 41

DRAFTto change because I do not show what I truly feel. How-ever, this does not mean I should not help others as well asmyself to begin do so.

Think Progress—How can this school grow? The same asthe body-through experience, development, and greatexpectations. Think, people, think! Black people, think-think black! You don’t grow in one day; it takes manyyears. We can get it together and get on the go for love,which can open our lives and make it possible for us totaste the very sunlight of Life.

It is safe to say, that all-in-all, steady progress was beingmade on my part in adapting to my new learning environ-ment and without much concern over where it might alleventually lead me.

42 Runaway

DRAFTCHAPTER 9

Becoming Too Big for Your OwnBritches

y the time my junior year rolled around, I haddecided not to play football that season. Instead, I

chose to fully concentrate on being Co-Editor-in-Chief ofthe Bagpipe along with my good friend Thurston JeffWaller who upon graduation from Clifford J. Scott HighSchool went on to attend Yale University, where he suc-ceeded in becoming an honor student, an outstandingmiddle linebacker, and became the Captain of the Yalefootball team in his senior year.

Jeff was sincerely committed to furthering student knowl-edge about the dangers of drugs and I was equally as inter-ested in keeping the paper culturally relevant given theincreasing number of African American students enrollingat the school. The contrast in ideas between Jeff and I pro-duced an interesting and current paper.

B

DRAFTTake a look at the first article written by Jeff that appearedin the April 1971 issue;

TJW Speaks

Many weeks of training in how to put a newspapertogether will result in an editorial board take-over by nextyear’s juniors come the June issue of the school news-paper. As one of the two Editors-in-Chief of the newBAGPIPE, I will stand for two things: exposing the evils ofdrugs on young people and uniting the races for thecommon good of all students at Scott High School. DrugsARE evil. Beautiful people ruin their lives because of them.They only keep the taker-whether black, white, or yellow-down. Certainly no aware person would ever deny life tohimself or to the others he pushes drugs on. A new edito-rial policy will stress a positive action against any forcewhich seeks to destroy us by drugs or any other means.

The article which I wrote for that same issue of the paperis included below;

To Deal Truth Habari Gani (How are you in Swahili)?

Next year I’ll speak in each issue-pushing the program,dealing with facts: relevance, truth, values.

People: to make society better, let’s learn to live together,sweat together, love together.

Understand, that I’m out to help you appreciate culture-not to force it upon you, not to say one heritage is moreimportant than another heritage but to help you discover

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DRAFTthe uniqueness of each cultural inheritance. I’m out to domy job.

Tanajaribu Kuw Wensi Tu!

Because I am black and proud, I want nothing more thanto share my black consciousness, my self-identity, my self-determination with you. A United Nations InternationalWorld Youth Conference membership qualifies me to tellyou what’s happening before it happens. UNIWYC pre-sented “Les Ballet African,” and some were able to attend.Stokely Carmichael spoke at Symphony Hall, and manyheard him. And from this time on, this paper will makeyou aware of many more stimulating affairs. Now, let’shold onto this feeling. Being quiet-not-involved-keeps ussubdued. In the spirit of Brotherhood, I pledge to you amost soulful stand. In friendship we will ride our freedomtrain together. As I awake with spiritual vibrations, so shallI rouse all of you to join in a new and important awak-ening at Clifford J. Scott High School.

Now it would be remiss of me not to also mention anotherperson who worked on the school paper as a reporter thatyear, James Johnson. James went on to attend ColumbiaUniversity where he majored in journalism and upongraduation went to work as a news correspondent for theNew York Times. I think that out of everyone that becameinvolved with the Bagpipe, James was the individual whomost stayed true to his original calling; a love for writingand the press. James is a fine person and has always beenhighly regarded by all for his great character.

Becoming Too Big for Your Own Bri tches 45

DRAFTEast Orange Parly Airs Student Gripes

Later that same year, I led a student strike committee atClifford J Scott High School and participated in negotia-tions with School Superintendent Russell Jackson, fol-lowing a two-day student boycott of classes. There was noviolence or vandalism during the strike which includedclose to 400 of the school’s 1,000 students. Although theschool was fast becoming predominantly black ourdemands “had no direct racial overtones.” In fact, oneschool administrator stated, “The demands were so rou-tine that at first we thought they were a smoke-screen forsomething else.” The demands involved dances open tonon-students, less police supervision and an open gymna-sium school, creation of a student study hall from whichstudents could sign out and the official establishment of astudent faculty grievance board.

Racial tensions however had surfaced during the previousschool year, when a boycott took place by white studentsover an assembly-honoring Martin Luther King, Jr withno major problems having erupted. Students also com-plained of finding hair and insects in cafeteria food, unsa-nitary shower facilities and often finding rest roomslocked. “In addition, they complained of “teacher apathy”and asked that teachers replace police in supervising socialactivities. Then the Honorable Mayor William S. Hart andBoard of Eduction members Richard Davis and Mrs.Reuter met with us in an effort to assist us in resolving ourgrievances.

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DRAFTHere is another article that I wrote for the Bagpipe a fewmonths after the student boycott was ended:

Harambee Kwa UMOGA (Celebration of Unity) HabariGani (Greetings), Njema Sante (Good morning),

As we begin a new year, we hope to develop a totally newcommitment to the understanding of the Afro-Americanpersonality. We must develop a self-awareness and self-discipline to work beyond the 6 1/2 hour day in everyaspect of our (students or teachers) dedication. Thismeans appreciation for an understanding of Afro-Amer-ican roles: parents, students, family, neighbor, teacher,nation, and race.

The question today is whether or not we can still develophealthy attitudes towards the sharing of knowledge, love,and possession. We need to be committed to those pur-poses which advance the cause of all people of color.Blacks today find it difficult to keep needed values. A valuesystem gives us three things: a predictability of behaviorpattern, and ultimate authority to which we submit, ameans of securing us from our old ways. All people mustaccept values for the creation of natural life styles anddevelopment of belief in, need for, and will to becomeblack and educated, each relating himself to those thingsboth relevant and beneficial to self. We must develop our-selves on four levels: self-determination, self-respect, self-awareness, and self-discipline. Our historical past can giveus inspiration and information; it can inspire us to move,provide us with the necessary life drive to want to find out

Becoming Too Big for Your Own Bri tches 47

DRAFTmore about ourselves, and inform us in those areas thatare new.

All of our knowledge is based upon tradition and reason.There are plenty of false interpretations of past humanevents; but no knowledge is new, only its arrangementsand application are different. Therefore, we must knowour culture. Without it we shall cease to exist. Together wemust create a new way of life for our children and rise upand look at the world as a strong Black people.

After several months of working very closely together andgrowing our friendship, I would like for you to kindly takean added look at what my Co-Editor-in Chief wrote at thatpoint in time;

Prepare For Future Now!

Clifford J. Scott High School is a school long forgotten, aschool which hasn’t always had the financial meansneeded to grow and recently has had to go through moremonetary agonies than ever. The time to prepare for thefuture is now! We have no time for B.S.A.‘s. We must godirectly to the source of power and get it working for thepowerful people who aren’t afraid to say their name inSwahili or to say I’m black and proud or to say I’m whiteand willing. The students of Scott are seeing their prob-lems and dealing with them directly. The brothers and sis-ters of tomorrow aren’t willing to wait for the opportunityto crack the system of “bow down black man” or to ignorethe wrongs of the system. The change must come now, sothe brothers and sisters, black or white, won’t have to

48 Runaway

DRAFTsuffer injustices. If so changed the black brother will putdown his twenty ton black handled ax. He will then under-stand himself. He will then be able to compete withanyone. He will then have an equal chance, no more, noless. The depressed people of the world are watching theU.S.A., and the eyes of the community are constantly sur-veying Scott.

The message above was brave, bold and highly progressivetalk from my more conservative friend at the time andmerit scholar. His words made me feel truly honored to behis friend.

Although it was quietly kept, I had to relinquish my title asCo-Editor-in Chief in my junior year because my gradeswere not up to par. Jeff took over as the sole Editor-in-Chief the following January and I went back to just being areporter. But instead, of spending more time on mystudies I became coerced by my legal guardian to start anew club: the B.C.D. which stood for Black CommunityDevelopment an existing community organization, whichhad received international status within the UnitedNations. The chairman, Balozi Zayd Muhammad, and alsomy foster parent was a representative of the N.G.O., O.P.Iand the Executive Committee. He was the first Black toever hold this position at the UN. The high school alreadyhad a B.S.U. which stood for Black Student Union andmany questions were now being asked about the distinc-tion between the B.S.U. and the B.C.D. Essentially, thenew B.C.D. club was launched to promote and instill inthe Black students at Clifford J. Scott and the Black com-munity at large a dedication to self-discipline through self-

Becoming Too Big for Your Own Bri tches 49

DRAFTdetermination, self-respect, and self-awareness. One thatemphasized African American culture, customs, and his-tory.

The activities of the club were never anti-white but weredefinitely pro-black. This included the wearing of Africantraditional dress; dashikies and bubbas, the use of Africannames and languages, wearing the Natural (Afro),amongst other external characteristics, all this being aimedat enabling the young Black to have a feeling of pride forself and for one’s race. This initiative did not endear mewith a number of the other Black students. In fact, somethought that what I had done was actually disunifying. Ibegan to feel as though I did not need to draw any moreattention to myself. But that is exactly what transpiredwhen I authored a poem that appeared in the Bagpipetitled, “TELL EM BOUT IT!”

‘Tell’ em ‘bout it’ Black is something that’s out of sight: itwas, is and always will be beautiful. Some people can onlydig it on an emotional level. While we are the ones who,you see, are Black, proud, and determined one day to befree. We feel Black is best ‘cause it’s different from the rest.Why, Black was so hip that it made whitey flip. So hebrought us here in chains and chose Negro for our name.(The Spanish word meaning black.) He deculturalized andcolonized us. We unlike any other ethnic group had noland and no language, how can we identify ourselves withthe word Negro? There is no land called Negro, nor lan-guage called Negro language nor Negros-if you can dig it.

50 Runaway

DRAFTWell, now we know your game and have agreed that youain’t just crazy but definitely insane. You see, Black hasgotten to be so cool now that it makes whitey look like thefool. Although he helps himself. So don’t mess with us ifyou can’t handle the stuff. ‘Cause today we’re together inany type of weather. If you try it again it might be yourend. Whitey, it’s about time you opened up your eyes; It’stime for you to realize That our day is almost here andNation Time is very near. So get all your weapons andmake sure you have enough ‘Cause from you, sucker, weain’t goin’ take no stuff. We’ve got it now-the power of thehead. So look out, whitey, in an hour you may be dead.With leaders as strong as Muhammed Ali, we know ourpeople shall one day be free. Well, dig here: what can yousay, what can you do? We learned all this coming fromyou. And now it’s backfiring and coming back at you. Hey,white sucker, ain’t that hip?

Reading this now, causes me to pause and say oh my gosh.That was one fairly riled up young black fella back then.My goodness….

“Student’s poem causes stir”

That is the title that ran in the local town newspaper fol-lowing the City of East Orange Council Meeting wherethis issue was taken up with the Clifford Scott principalAndrew Bobby, Bagpipe adviser Leonard Hooper, and agroup of parents. City Councilman Francis Craig calledthe poem “racist and inflammatory,” and City Coun-cilman William Thomas claimed he was “appalled” by thepiece of poetry. East Orange Mayor William S. Hart said

Becoming Too Big for Your Own Bri tches 51

DRAFThe had not read the entire poem, but stated, “Childrenshouldn’t be allowed to print whatever they want.” “I thinkracial harmony is vital and I hate to see any slurs. I don’twant anyone degraded at all. I also don’t think a principalshould allow school papers to get out of hand to the pointwhere racial slurs might be printed,” Mr. Hart added.Today, as an adult and having been a parent of two boys, Ido not think that this poem should have been permitted tobe published in a public school newspaper. There’snothing wrong with writing to explore one’s feelings, frus-trations and questions about the challenges of life or injus-tices in any manner you like. But it does not mean that itshould be granted an audience in all forums.

As it turned out, the parents of a number of my closestfriends at school were equally disappointed over the wordsused in the poem and its tone and they were sure to let meknow about it. I am certainly grateful for that as it helpedme to better understand my responsibility to others. I trulydo regret the ill feelings that the poem produced and Iapologize to all for the poor judgement that it demon-strated on my part. Most significant of all I would like forpeople to know that I out grew the kind of thinkingexpressed in that poem. At the time, I had fallen subject totoo strong an influence by others. Ironically, this was thevery thing that I was trying to avoid by continuing to liveexclusively with a white family. Go figure!

In my opinion, I had become a little too big for mybritches and I am thankful that this was pointed out to meby others, for the manner in which it was pointed out tome for the most part, and for the people who cared

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DRAFTenough about me and everyone else to challenge what wasbeing so loudly conveyed by me at that time in my life.

My personal and public inquiry into the nature of what itmeant to be a young Black American was still an impor-tant component of my rite of passage as an adolescentattempting to transition into young adulthood. Fortu-nately, the emphasis on Black consciousness did not endup becoming an all encompassing or permanent world-view subscribed to by me. Because it was clearly short onhumility, inclusion, love, peace and understanding.

Becoming Too Big for Your Own Bri tches 53

DRAFTCHAPTER 10

Targeted Stabbing

adly, there would come a time in the spring of 1972that I was so disliked by some students that the word

was out that I was going to be physically attacked. Well,one of my closest friends, Gregory Reeves besides playingfootball and being a swimmer was also a member of thegleek club and was going to be performing in theupcoming Spring concert. As good friends do, a numberof us turned out to support him. Both teachers and foot-ball coaches were on hand as well.

Before the concert was over word began to spread throughthe audience that this was the night that I was going tofinally get my butt handed to me. When the concert endedseveral athletes, coaches and teachers accompanied meoutside where a number of guys were waiting for me. Asone of the football coaches asked what they wanted onekid ran up behind me and just as he was about to stab mein the back our shop teacher, Robert Wright grabbed him

S

DRAFTand effectively removed the knife from his hand. ThankGod for Mr. Wright’s presence of mind and fast reflexes.Mr. Wright had also been a youth counselor at the BellvilleChildren’s Shelter while I was there and he actually taughtme how to dunk a basketball and now here he was, in asplit second he had quite possibly saved my life. Thankyou so much Mr. Wright. Wright won the battle that dayfor sure.

Quickly, one of the football coaches who was also a gymteacher began speaking to everyone present about howcrazy this situation was and how serious it could have beenif someone had been injured. Then he left it up to me todecide whether I wanted to report the incident or simplydrop the matter with the hope that everyone would gohome and think about how everyone’s life could have beentragically changed in an instance. I said that I just assumewe forget about the whole thing. The other kid apologized,we all shook hands, and everybody went home. The kidwho was going to stab me was also black, someone whowas constantly in trouble, and rarely stayed in school. Thatnight this kid came close to changing his life and minepossibly forever. There must have been at least twenty wit-nesses to everything that transpired so in retrospect thatkid got a huge break along with a chance to chooseanother path for himself going forward.

While the kid who attempted to attack me eventuallydropped out of school altogether he never presentedanother problem for me or any other kid at the highschool. This happened to be someone who simply did notlike me for a very long time and he made it known to lots

Targeted Stabbing 55

DRAFTof other students. I was his target stabbing that dark nightbut we both got the chance to walk away and see the lightof a better day. I hope that his journey became muchclearer and smoother from then onward.

That night I am pretty sure that none of us knew whetherthere was something more in store for our lives. Maybeyou are even wondering why you’re here now at this par-ticular time in the cosmos. This is what the French callyour raison d’etre, an organizing principle and sense ofdirection that gives shape and meaning to your life. Iwould simply say that after an experience like the one I’vejust described, whenever you get a second chance that youshould do all that you can to make absolutely sure that youdo not squander it! Because something very meaningfullikely awaits you.

Of course that experience definitely shook me up insidefor a long time. I could not recall having ever done any-thing bad or wrong to this individual. I never competedagainst him in any sport, or tried to date the same younglady. How could it be that someone could dislike me sostrongly that they were prepared to stab and maybe evenkill me?

It made me strongly question everything that I had beendoing since becoming enrolled at Clifford J. Scott HighSchool, and then almost overnight I no longer wanted tobe involved in anything. It just didn’t seem to be worth theemotional investment anymore. As a result, I became aguarded and less extroverted person. Maybe, some thingshappen in our lives precisely so that we are better able to

56 Runaway

DRAFTget in touch with being stirred up, awakened, and possiblymade ready to respond to both the mysterious and mirac-ulousness. But I certainly didn’t know truly what to thinkat that time.

What happened that night will forever be a mystery to mebut the outcome regardless of the angle from which I lookat it was certainly a gift.

Targeted Stabbing 57

DRAFTCHAPTER 11

Senior Year A Breeze

n my senior year at Clifford J. Scott High School it feltgood not to have the Bagpipe, the B.C.D. club, or

dreams belonging to someone else to carry upon my backand there was also the added letting go of remaining in ahouse with eleven other men. Thank you very much.

So my last year in high school ended up including justthree things, football, basketball, and an all out full courtpress on studying hard enough to pull up my grades moreso that I could possible gain admission to a decent collegeand where I could pursue my developing interests.

One of our most talented football players on the team,Daniel Butler and his Mother, Mrs. Jessie Butler, felt forquite some time that I a needed a far more nurturinghome setting.

I

DRAFTMrs. Butler as a working single Mother was very gracious,loving, and happily became my 3rd and final legalguardian while I was still at Clifford J. Scott High School. Iwas blessed with the opportunity to continue living withthe Butler family throughout most of high school and onup until I graduated from Holy Cross College with a B.A.in Sociology in May of 1978.

Danny was later the best man at my wedding in June of1980 and my 23 year old son is also named Daniel partlyout of fond memories of my friendship with Danny.

Senior Year A Breeze 59

DRAFTCHAPTER 12

Awakening

nner awakening can occur quickly and suddenly or itcan take place gradually over a long period of time. I

have experienced it more as the latter.

The very first time that I can recall experiencing any sortof religious or philosophical epiphany was on an occasionin which I was lying on my back in the infirmary at HolyCross College with possible flu-like symptoms.

Maybe it was as a result of having to yield myself to theoverwhelming effects of illness and experencing how poorhealth can adversely impact one’s ability to keep up withtheir studies.

“Burning the candlestick at both ends” by partying tomuch, going to the gym nearly every day to play basket-ball, and regularly lifting weights on off days was taking upto much time and exacting a heavy toll on my body.

I

DRAFTFinally, there I was laid out, flat on my back and surren-dering to an overdue reflective state of mind. In thatmoment, for the first time, I began to sense a new anddeeper perspective.

In what is still nearly indescribable, something seemed tobe alerting me to the reality that I was way out of align-ment with what is affirming, blissful, ceaseless, vision-ledand centered.

Whether what was being felt was coming from within oroutside of me was not yet clear. Something that I couldn’tquite put my hands on had been eluding me for a longtime and worse yet, may have been contributing to myfalling out of balance beyond the physical level. Rather, ata deeper soul-felt level. I have never forgotten that veryunusual experience.

There have been times in which I have tried to return tothe keen awareness that arose in me that day. The soft-light filled the room, the dust particles that seemedinfinite, and everything else seemed ordered in somestrange way. There admist the sounds of busy activity inthe background was this predominant round the clockattention on everyone’s part to providing me with com-passionate and supportive care.

Did any of those elements of awareness represent the pre-conditions for experiencing the deepest perception of lifein the moment? I didn’t know then and admittedly, I amnot sure that I quite know now. But, I am hope-filled, andnow actively seeking greater understanding and wisdom.

Awakening 61

DRAFTWhat I do know though, is that I left that infirmarysomehow different than when I entered it. I’m not refer-ring here to the lifting of my symptoms. No. At somepoint, while there in the infirmary I received an infusionof ‘spirit’ on some level. It seems to have been a slowrelease acting dosage which ended up enlivening me andpropelling me forward for the next two years of collegethrough a period of unusually high productivity ultimatelyyielding very favorable outcomes.

And then what?

Somewhere along the way, I must have taken anotherwrong turn, possibly blowing out one or more of my vir-tues, and then I ended up running of-track, broken again,lost, out there in the middle of Nowheresville. Once again,without answers.

I just hate it whenever that ends up happening. How aboutyou?

Part of this whole awakening thing seemed to entail step-ping away from the familiar or being set apart from theordinariness of common practices. For this to begin, somehow you must be willing to take a leap whether it be for-ward, sideways, up or down only you will know. But thereis a call to respond by moving away from the place or posi-tion of your past.

Effectually and effectively you must then decide to go yourown way!

62 Runaway

DRAFTCHAPTER 13

Graduate School or Work?

pon graduation and having been accepted into TheMaster of Arts (Religious Studies) program at the

Chicago Theological Seminary (CTS), I intended to pursuethe two-year graduate program as a foundation for servicein youth counseling. Owing to the lack of financialresources, I made the decision to defer my admissions forone year in an effort to gain some work experience andsave money.

A very good friend of mine, Robert Landes happened toshare my situation with his father then President/CEO ofhis own international company and he offered to help meby securing an interview for me with representatives ofARA Food Services in Philadelphia, PA. Weeks later I wasoffered my first job working as a trainee in the hospitalityindustry at Newark ‘s United Hospital located in an area ofNewark defined by Central Avenue and West MarketStreet in the city’s West Ward. I stayed in that job position

U

DRAFTfor eight months before securing a higher paying jobworking for Irving Trust Company at One Wall Street inNew York City. I started there working on the grave yardshift which after one year absolutely did not agree with mephysically.

In the spring of 1979, I went out on the evening of May24th to a house party in East Orange with my then room-mate, Jan Peter Mitchell, who was also a former student atHoly Cross College and now attending Seton Hall Univer-sity Law School. The party was being given for both SetonHall University Law School and Seton Hall UniversityMedical School students. I was neither and thus, Pete’sguest.

That night, I met the lovely Wilda Iris Smithers who wasattending Seton Hall University Medical School inNewark. After six months of dating we became engagedand another six months later we were married on June 14,1980 at Macedonia Baptist Church, her families homechurch for many years located in Lakewood, New Jersey.

An attempt was made on my part a few years later torevisit pursuing my original objective after college byapplying to Drew Theological School. I was accepted andat the time one of their requirements was that all full timestudents must was live in a dormitory setting on campusin Madison, New Jersey. By now, this was no longer anappealing lifestyle for my new bride who had experiencedso many years of living in cramped quarters while pur-suing her medical education and continuing professionaltraining.

64 Runaway

DRAFTIt seemed then that maybe the time had now come for meto permanently part with past aspirations altogether espe-cially if we had any serious plans of growing our family inthe near future. All of a sudden, my life-style of workingman, husband, and eventually father began operating forthe longest on auto-pilot. Our life was not without bumps,bruises and minor collisions like most other young fami-lies.

Final Destination, not quite clear yet due to remainingfog-like conditions.

Graduate School or Work? 65

DRAFTCHAPTER 14

Taking a Leap of Faith

ack in January of 1990, I took a position as the opera-tions manager on the night shift at Bankers Trust

Company New York located at 130 Liberty Street on the36th floor in New York City. It was a difficult time for theorganization then undergoing enormous cuts in theirbusiness activities, including global sales, operations,product management, credit and technology.

Early on, I had some personal doubts over whether or notI had what it takes to be successful in such a large organi-zation. At the time, Bankers Trust Company New Yorkwas still the 7th largest bank in the country and I wascoming from The First National Bank of Toms River, NewJersey which later on May 25th, that same year filed forbankruptcy protection. Federal regulators had declared thebank insolvent after a loss of $165.8 million dollars in1990. 5,000 shareholders in the bank, holding 9.6 millionshares lost their holdings in the company. The bank that

B

DRAFThad served the community for 110 years was now gone.First National Bank of Toms River was a victim of the Sav-ings and Loan Crisis. It was ranked 19th (in the State ofNew Jersey) during the crisis in size, according to a bookvalue of assets at $1.36 billion dollars.

With a young child at home, a wife, and a newly builtcustom home failure was not an option to be considered.What I needed more than anything else was a solid andtried bridge for crossing over the great divide between theperson that I had been up until then and the ‘full metalman’ that I needed to hurry up and transform into for thebenefit of my families safety, security and well-being.

Was I scared? Yes!

What did I do about it? Well I wasn’t sure then if I reallybelieved in God but I decided to pray like I did anywayasking to be led through all of the upcoming difficulties ofworking at night, commuting back and forth by car fromLakewood, NJ to New York City everyday, while getting aslittle as 4 hours of sleep, and having to perform undertight deadlines in this new and tremendously fast-pacedbusiness environment where billions of dollars in clientdeposits were being processed every day and the potentialfor both financial and reputational risk to Bankers TrustCompany loomed large when and if things were not con-sistently done properly and on time.

After a few months into the new job, I literally let go of allthoughts of being in control. I took one giant ‘leap of

Taking a Leap of Faith 67

DRAFTfaith’ and let the mysterious power of the divine carry meforward through it all from that day forward.

Miraculously, the majority of it, which was good enoughfor me, was met with high productivity and favorable out-comes for many of the people around me, my family andmyself. Of course there were mistakes made here and therebut they didn’t break my spirit, my confidence, or my willto succeed. Even in those few instances involving the mostdifficult of circumstances, I chose to be guided by compas-sion, honesty, humility, and by showing kindness andrespect for others.

Looking back now, I can say that this was one of the mostintense periods of prayer in my life but it is also representsanother significant rest stop or ledge to which I oftenreturn in search of important spiritual forensic clues onhow to reconnect with the immanent-the sacred and toregain a measure of spiritual strength to light my pathwhen I am about to fall deep into the dark night.

Once I am able to identify previously undiscovered evi-dence of the divine, and it seems that I always am able todo so, it affords me a renewed sense of awe, hope, love,strength and wonder—enough to go on weathering theprospect of incoming storms for that particular time andplace.

68 Runaway

DRAFTCHAPTER 15

A Dream Deferred

hat happens to a dream deferred?

Maybe like an untreated ailment it turns into cancer, thenslowly and steadily it begins to rob you of an organ or inthe case of a dream, you may end up being deprived ofyour awareness of an essential talent: “Your giftedness.”

For more than forty years, I have had the good fortune ofbeing shown by others how to do a great many things. Imust confess to all that I have bungled a good many thingstoo, but the one thing that I regret not learning well ormuch earlier in life is how to really love. Because of this, Ibelieve that I ended-up contorting myself into someoneunlovable. I have come to know first hand that if one per-sists in side-stepping being formulated into loving-kind-ness then they will most assurrredly have a tendency tocarelessly, mistakenly, and unnecessarily hurt others. Thisshould be avoided with great effort.

W

DRAFTIt really was not until after losing our first child, Jonathanat eleven years old, followed by accepting the reality ofhaving to live as an adult with anxiety and depression, andnearly destroying my marriage multiple times that I des-perately began looking for the more enduring answers thatI needed and that no one else could provide for me.

Today, I am capable of confirming for myself when I amtraveling on the right road. Still, it can and does becomerough terrain in places but at least now I am spirituallymature enough to accept that the journey is far from beingover and that this too shall pass.

It is in the off road spaces of life where we run the greatestrisk of becoming broken, mistakenly choose an addiction,flat out give up, or lay ourselves face down in the middleof life’s speedway having chosen to sleep and hopefully notwake up again. It is true that once the serpent of despairreleases its toxic venom into our consciousness, the hor-rible pain overwhelmingly interrupts our breathing, forcesour eyes tightly shut, at which point it becomes exceed-ingly difficult to maintain the wherewithal to still reachout, locate, and grab hold of that innate internal mecha-nism which controls all energy, light and eternal truth. Itrequires a willingness to surrender the will and to welcomethe inflowing of a greater proportion of divine spirit.

As divine beings I believe that we have an obligation to beintimately familiar with the look of affliction that oftenemerges out of despair. Much like the Hemlich Maneuvereveryone can be taught how to prevent the accidental, self-destruction, and possible death of the soul of another

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DRAFTperson by offering a connective heart and empathicallystanding in until more help arrives thereby preventing theprecious life of a fallen child from becoming completelylost due to enormous fear or immense loneliness.

Do not let the fear of embarrassment, inadequacy, igno-rance, unfamiliarity or your own personal struggles everprevent you from swiftly heeding the life-threatening callor the brief moment of necessity to respond to theheartcry of an afflicted soul thereupon discovered. There isan enormous power to which you may draw upon; lookwithin to discover it.

There in that moment, lies your freedom, salvation, andthe greatest triumph that can ever be offered, accepted,and harvested between you, the stranger among us, andthe Almighty Creator of us all.

Go deep, hold fast, and let Spirit reign supreme! I assureyou that It will do Its work through you. All that isrequired of you and I is an instinctive willingness of heartand the complete emptying of the well of self. All of yourneeds must be given over to the critical need of lifting uphe or she that has fallen.

When no one else will do, I hereby call upon you to please,let go of your ego, let the energizing power of love flowthrough you and just lean into that great moment of resto-ration!

A Dream Deferred 71

DRAFTCHAPTER 16

Learn to Help Yourself

o other people, I might appear to be a nice enoughguy. However, I too have been arrogant, brash,

hurtful, inconsiderate, mean and selfish at times. I amtruly intent though on making these negative traits lessprevalent in my relationships with others. You and I bothknow that words are a cheap substitute for reality. There-fore, it is my actions which I want to be the consistent andconvincing evidence of my improved self-mastery,wisdom, and spirituality.

What I have discovered within me is the capacity tochange and it is this fact that has helped and continues tofacilitate growth and strengthening in the areas that willmake me the prize winning author of my life. I believe thatwe all have this resource inherently built into our bodies,minds and spirit. It just takes some of us a little longerthan others to reach this common core of divinity that lieswithin us.

T

DRAFTAll of us, at some point in life, must learn to help ourselvesnot just to survive but to actually flourish. This does notrequire that you be religious or if you wish you can be. Thechoice is yours. However, you can just as readily compile alist of virtues and significant spiritual qualities that youwould like to work on to reach the calibre of godliness,goodness, kindness, holiness, love, or spirituality that givesyou joy and happiness. Clearly, there are all kinds of waysof being in the world. Go ahead and start now to remakeyourself into the change that you would like to see in ourworld (Gandhi)!

A resource that proved very helpful to me is the Alphabetof Spiritual Practices designed by Darren C. Polito whichis based on the books Spiritual Literacy and Spiritual Rx.There are also practice homepages that can be found at theSpiritualityandPractice.com website which you might findvery helpful.

As an alternative, I also encourage you to consider makinguse of a tool that I have created and wish to share with youat this time. It is a list of 50 qualities that I selectively com-piled and refer to as “The Metrics of Spiritual Transforma-tion” (TheMoST).

Please feel free to modify this list to best suit your currentdevelopmental needs.

1. Affection: Affection is having genuine concern forothers. (Bertrand Russell)

2. Attraction: Attraction occurs when we open our heartswith great love and peaceful interactions with lovingpeople. We do not need to send love but rather feel

Learn to Help Yourself 73

DRAFTlove. …when we chase after anything, it turns away. Ifwe simply open our hearts and love, we attract all ofthe goodness of the universe. (Doreen Virtue)

3. Awareness: Awareness involves being conscious ofone’s current thoughts, feelings, and surroundings.(Shauna Shapiro)

4. Awe: Awe entails having your consciousness enlarged,along with the perceptions of everything or becomingaltered from within. (Wayne Teasdale).

5. Beauty: Everything has beauty, but not everyone seesit. (Confucius)

6. Benevolence: When virtue is lost, benevolence appears,when benevolence is lost right conduct appears, whenright conduct is lost, expedience appears. Expediencyis the mere shadow of right and truth; it is the begin-ning of disorder. (Lao Tzu)

7. Calm: Remain calm, serene, always in command ofyourself. You will then find out how easy it is to getalong. (Paramahansa Yogananda)

8. Compassion: Compassion is a call, a demand of nature,to relieve the unhappy as hunger is a natural call forfood. (Joseph Butler)

9. Commitment: Commitment is an act, not a word.(Jean-Paul Sartre)

10. Contemplation: What we plant in the soil of contem-plation, we shall reap in the harvest of action. (MeisterEckhart)

11. Contentment: Man falls from the pursuit of the ideal ofplain living and high thinking the moment he wants tomultiply his daily wants. Man’s happiness really lies incontentment. (Mohandas Gandhi)

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DRAFT12. Creativity: Creativity is letting go of certainties. (Gail

Sheehy)13. Courage: Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living

someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma - whichis living with the results of other people’sthinking.Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drownout your own inner voice. And most important, havethe courage to follow your heart and intuition. (SteveJobs)

14. Discernment: We should not fret for what is past, norshould we be anxious about the future;men of discern-ment deal only with the present moment. (Chanakya)

15. Encouragement: Correction does much, but encour-agement does more. (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)

16. Fairness: Fairness is what justice really is. (Brit Hume)17. Forgiveness: Forgiveness is the answer to the child’s

dream of a miracle by which what is broken is madewhole again, what is soiled is made clean again. (DagHammarskjold)

18. Generosity: Generosity is giving more than you can,and pride is taking less than you need.(Khalil Gibran)

19. Grace: If the grace of God miraculously operates, itprobably operates through the subliminal door. (Wil-liam James)

20. Gratitude: Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us toencounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendentmoments of awe that change forever how we experi-ence life and the world. (John Milton)

21. Harmony: One must marry one’s feelings to one’sbeliefs and ideas. That is probably the only way to ach-ieve a measure of harmony in one’s life. (NapoleonHill)

Learn to Help Yourself 75

DRAFT22. Honesty: Achievements on the golf course are not

what matters, decency and honesty are what matter.(Tiger Woods)

23. Hope: Where there is no vision, there is no hope.(George Washington Carver)

24. Hospitality: The hospitality of the wigwam is onlylimited by the institution of war. (Charles Eastman)

25. Humility: Humility is the solid foundation of all vir-tues. (Kong Fu Zi)

26. Identity: An identity would seem to be arrived at bythe way in which the person faces and uses his experi-ence. (James Baldwin)

27. Impartiality: It is well, when judging a friend, toremember that he is judging you with the same godlikeand superior impartiality. (Arnold Bennett)

28. Intention: Our intention creates our reality. (WayneDyer)

29. Inter-connectedness: What’s natural and right is to gowith the energy of how it all has to work together.What’s natural and right is interconnectedness, notindividualism. What is natural and right is respect forthe system, not killing the system. What’s natural andright is love. (Susan Powter)

30. Joyfulness: Joyfulness keeps the heart and face young.A good laugh makes us better friends with ourselvesand everybody around us.(Orison Swett Marden)

31. Kindness: A warm smile is the universal language ofkindness. (William Arthur Ward)

32. Liberty: Let every nation know, whether it wishes uswell or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden,meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe

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DRAFTto assure the survival and the success of liberty. (JohnF. Kennedy)

33. Love: Love is all we have, the only way that each canhelp the other. (Euripides)

34. Patience: Genius is eternal patience. (Michelangelo)35. Presence: Wherever you are - be all there. (Jim Elliot)36. Reconciliation: The practice of peace and reconcilia-

tion is one of the most vital and artistic of humanactions. (Nhat Hanh)

37. Rectitude: Justice is a certain rectitude of mindwhereby a man does what he ought to do in the cir-cumstances confronting him. (Thomas Aquinas)

38. Responsibility: If you take responsibility for yourselfyou will develop a hunger to accomplish your dreams.(Les Brown)

39. Seeking: Seeking means: to have a goal; but findingmeans: to be free, to be receptive,to have no goal.(Herman Hesse)

40. Self-command: A man has to learn that he cannotcommand things, but that he can command himself;that he cannot coerce the wills of others, but that hecan mold and master his own will: and things servehim who serves Truth; people seek guidance of himwho is master of himself. (James Allen)

41. Self-control: Self-control means wanting to be effectiveat some random point in the infinite radiations of myspiritual existence. (Franz Kafka)

42. Self-realization: Men can starve from a lack of self-real-ization as much as they can from a lack of bread.(Richard Wright)

43. Service to community: Community service has taughtme all kinds of skills and increased my confidence. You

Learn to Help Yourself 77

DRAFTgo out there and think on your feet, work with othersand create something from nothing. That’s what life’sall about. (Andrew Shue)

44. Spiritual practice: The goal of spiritual practice is fullrecovery, and the only thing you need to recover fromis a fractured sense of self. (Marianne Williamson)

45. Tolerance: America and Islam are not exclusive andneed not be in competition. Instead,they overlap, andshare common principles of justice and progress, toler-ance and the dignity of all human beings. (BarackObama)

46. Transcendence: Humanity could only have survivedand flourished if it held social and personal values thattranscended the urges of the individual, embodyingselfish desires- and these stem from the sense of a tran-scendent good. (Arthur Peacocke)

47. Ultimate concern: Man’s ultimate concern must beexpressed symbolically, because symbolic languagealone is able to express the ultimate. (Paul Tillich)

48. Unknowing: All we know is still infinitely less than allthat remains unknown. (William Harvey)

49. Wonder:The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is toexist. For man it is to know that and to wonder at it.(Jacques Yves Cousteau)

50. Zest:If you have zest and enthusiasm, you attract zestand enthusiasm. Life does give back in kind. (NormanVincent Peale)

Lastly, there are many helpful self-assessment instrumentsavailable, both informal exercises and formal tests/inven-tories. They are often available for free at local highschools, colleges, and workforce development agencies.

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DRAFTThe following list provides a number of very useful exam-ples that I have reviewed and highly recommend for one’spersonal use:

1. Adult Attachment Interview2. Altruistic Personality Scale3. Compassion Scale4. Emotional Regulation Questionnaire (ERQ)5. Psychological Well-Being (PWB)6. Subjective Well-Being (SWB)7. The Engaged Living in Youth Scale8. The Gratitude Questionnaire9. The Life Engagement Test (LET)10. Meaning in Life Questionnaire (MLQ11. Purpose in Life Test (PIL)12. Santa Clara Strength of Religious Faith Questionnaire13. Satisfaction with Life Scale14. Scale of Positive and Negative Experience (SPANE)15. Social Support Questionnaire (SSQ)16. Spiritual Involvement and Beliefs Scale

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DRAFTCHAPTER 17

Seeking Good Council

orking as I do today in a hospital emergency depart-ment (ED) and assisting in patient registration you

meet individuals presenting with all sorts of complaints/symptoms. Chief among them is being in pain and as aresult experiencing suffering.

What I have found, is that there are essentially three cate-gories that ED patients generally fit into: 1) those whothink that they have a pretty good idea of what the causeof their problem is but have no idea of what it will take toresolve it, 2) those who have absolutely no idea what theproblem is but have already convinced themselves, and areworking hard at convincing the triage nurse or ED doctor,that they know exactly what it will take to alleviate theircondition if the physician will only give them preciselywhat they want, and 3) patients who will honestly admit tonot knowing what is happening to them or why they are inso much misery, and who also have no idea what is needed

W

DRAFTto effectively resolve their dilemma. This last group ofpatients are the ones that I tend to empathize with themost because we’ve all been in their shoes and we knowthat it is quite a disconcerting place to be.

Unfortunately, this last group of individuals are oftenmost at risk of being ignored, misdiagnosed or re-admitted to the hospital within days for the very sameconditions. Why is that you might ask and you should.

Quite often, these patients unwittingly think that the socalled “experts” are the ones who will have all of theanswers. When in fact, they don’t.

While the vast majority of medical doctors and skillednurses are very competent professionals who know theirbody of knowledge and remain current with mountains ofever changing empirical data they do not— know you likeyou do—or like you really must come to know yourself.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am certainly notimplying that we should ignore, overlook or otherwisereject their good medical council or that of other subjectmatter experts.

Nevertheless, our lives are not meant to be lived like silentbackseat passengers who have handed over an all impor-tant sense of control over our wellness or our lives toothers. When we receive advice from others we ought toconsider asking ourselves a very important question: whois going to benefit the most from the advise that’s being

Seeking Good Counci l 81

DRAFTgiven. If the answer is not you then I offer you a word ofcaution, run away!

That’s right, get going and put some real distance betweenyou and the individuals who are attempting to provideservices that are more likely to benefit them and not youthe patient, client or student.

As a matter of fact, I especially like what James Hollis,PhD. has to say in a related sense about addressing the del-icate needs of ourselves and others.

“Most of us would further agree that it matters that webring no harm, or at least no worse harm, to others. Thisnoble desire asks that we become progressively aware of,explore, [and] take responsibility for our personal shadow.The shadow includes those parts of ourselves, whether itbe our capacity for evil; our insurgent, narcissisticagendas; or our most spontaneous, healing, instinctivelygrounded selves.”

Like my good friend Gerald Porter,Vice President of Aca-demic Affairs at The School of Professional Psychology atForest Institute recently shared with me, “this just aboutsums it up”…

“Every day, think as you wake up, “Today I am fortunateto have woken up. I am alive, I have a precious human life.I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my ener-gies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others,to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I amgoing to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not

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DRAFTgoing to get angry, or think badly about others. I am goingto benefit others as much as I can.”~ His Holiness TheDalai Lama

In otherwords, what I am advocating is that you seek to fillthe open full time position of being your own best coun-selor on what you need to do in your life on a daily basisand then practice that as though it matters. Because truth-fully, it does!

Here is another tool that I created for attempting to posi-tively optimize your potential and your performance:

A Model for Living An Examined Life

The following reflects my broad-based adaptive frame-work for the personal practice of balanced living across thelifespan regardless of age, belief, faith, gender, disability,ethnicity, race, religion, no religion, or sexual orientation.

Self-regulation processes:

• Goal-setting (specific, measurable, achievable, realisticand time targeted (S.M.A.R.T.) objectives)

• Self-observation (self-instruction, imagery and atten-tion focusing, task strategies)

• Self-evaluation (self-questioning, causal attributions,and adaptive inferences)

Task strategies:

• Study (graphic organizers, index cards, tables, andattending extra help)

Seeking Good Counci l 83

DRAFT• Time-management (planning, allocating, setting goals,

delegation, analysis of time spent, monitoring, organ-izing, scheduling, and prioritizing)

• Organizational strategies (cognitive modeling, cognitivecoaching, and guided practice)

Self-motivational beliefs:

• Self-efficacy (choice of activities, effort, and persistence)• Intrinsic interest (active, curious, engaged)• Desire to be effective (competence, mastery, and self-

monitoring)

Academic behaviors and beliefs:

• Forethought (attitudes, beliefs, and processes)• Performance control (mindful, confident, and proac-

tive)• Self-reflection (self-judgments and self-reactions)

Reasons for living:

• Meaning (psychological, social, and cultural)• Identity (moral, ethical, and spiritual)• Spirituality (belief, faith, and religion)

Leading with heart and soul:

• Institutional change (environmentally responsible,innovative, and sustainability-driven)

• Social change (democratic, culturally diverse, and egali-tarian)

• Personal transformation (authentic, genuine, and nur-turing)

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DRAFTWisdom leadership

• Keen discernment (grasp, comprehend, and evaluateclearly)

• Deep understanding (concept, context, and pragmatics)• Sound judgment (a basis for decision making, a call to

action, and creative)

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DRAFTCHAPTER 18

To Be or Not To Be

hat does to be or not to be mean?

My Answer:

To be or not to be for me, speaks more to what tends to beeveryone’s daily challenge: whether it is ‘better to sufferbeing who you are or to suffer by trying to be someonethat you are not.’

My 55 plus years of life experience have convinced me that‘it should not become one’s aim to be something, but to besomeone.’ That someone, is the real you and it involvesyou becoming the person that you are meant to be.

This can only be accomplished if we are serious and com-pletely engaged in a process of waking up to who we reallyare.

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DRAFTDespite my having spent a considerable amount of timeworking in three different industries; hospitality (1 yr),financial services (20 yrs), and healthcare (4 yrs) none ofthese assignments fully defines who I am as a person noram I ready honestly to tell anyone that I have been able toachieve Overwhelming Success. As an onlooker, my lifemust surely appear to be one of happenstance. However, Istill want very much for my life ‘to be’ an OutstandingSuccess. I don’t want to just be done. I want my life to bewell done.

What do you value and cherish most? Go forth and beginto seek after that!

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DRAFTCHAPTER 19

What Matters Most

n his book of the same title, James Hollis, Ph.D. “askseach of us to consider more thoughtfully the relation-

ship we have to ourselves, for that is what we bring to thetable in the sundry scenes of this serial we call our life.”

What matters most is that we 1) aspire, 2) explore, 3)develop, 4) transform and 5) inspire others by modellingthe divine virtues & spiritual qualities that we believe to beimportant states of being and ways of being in the world.What matters most is that we gain and practice the spiri-tual discipline of beginning this process anew each andevery single day of our lives.

Allow me to hereby assert to he or she that will listenwithout judgement that I am a man who is more than avictim to the anxiety and depression which at times hasplagued me. I refuse to runaway or hide from my personalchallenges any longer. If I appear less than perfect in the

I

DRAFTeyes of others well then I am fully capable of acceptingthat. But I will not allow it to hold me in place or restrictmy possibilities like some animal chained to a post.

If at any time in my life a private physician recommendsthat I take medication for either a chronic physical ormental health condition then I will open-mindedly con-sider doing so after seeking a a qualified second opinion.However, I shall always reserve the right to intelligentlyexplore the possible benefits of a combination of non drugtreatment interventions such as aroma therapy, arttherapy, diet, exercise, creative writing, keeping a gratitudejournal, meditation, movement therapy, music apprecia-tion, personal counseling, prayer, reflexology therapy,travel, reading sacred text, reiki healing and other costeffective and advancing treatments for managing and fur-thermore improving one’s overall health, consciousness,personal happiness and general well-being.

Although from a religious perspective I was raised as aChristian and in the past publicly accepted its tenets formy life without argument, my continuing level of educa-tion, my personal life experience and my ongoing interestsin comparative religion, cognitive, educational and devel-opmental psychology, interfaith dialogue and neurobi-ology and universal spirituality prevents me from con-tinuing to formally accept or claim myself to be a followerof any religious doctrine, dogma, ideology, political party,religion, rhetoric or worldview that chooses to advocateand remain publicly locked in a position of inequality forwomen, intolerance of gay, bisexual, lesbian, and trans-gender persons or promotes prejudice towards those of a

What Matters Most 89

DRAFTdifferent economic class, ethnicity or religion anywhere inthe world.

To be fooled into believing or far worse to be fool enoughto believe that these negative aspects of societal practiceare reasonable or reflective of that which is good in theworld is completely absurd, hateful, and to my way ofseeing unsacred.

If we take a long and panoramic look at the world that weare living in together it should become profoundly clear tous that nothing in all of existence has ever remained stag-nant. Why then should our concept of the Almighty, theCreator, and originating Source of All Life as we know itbe bound by our small thinking to do so?

As with our bodies, our minds, our hearts and all of thelife that surrounds it has all been given the capacity totransform itself. This is the most obvious principle for allof existence. A mission of sustainability is written into ourDNA and we need to protect this undefinable element orat the least make the choice to die trying! Maybe that is thelesson we are meant to learn from the existence of andfight against cancer and other dis-ease.

This I do believe is what matters most.

Eventually, we all come to learn that the truth, your truthis not something you can read about. It is not somethingthat someone else can lecture you on or describe to you ona Sunday morning while you remain seated in even the

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DRAFTmost comfortable pew while never uttering a single wordor objection.

Your truth, the real story must be written by you and itmust be intuitively known by you. Thus the phrases,“know thyself” and “to thine own self be true”. In otherwords, we each enter into this world with the same jobassignment. It’s the very important job that you and I arehere to do. It may not always be easy, fair or even fun butguess what? We own it!

Permit me to also share with you here some of the ideasthat James Hollis, PhD. has provided regarding ’WhatMatters Most’ :

“Life is a series of gains but it is also a series of losses; fail-ures to grieve loss and disappointment openly, honestly,will rise again, as unbidden ghosts from their untimelyburial, through depression, or as projections onto objectsof compelling, delusive desire, or through captivation bythe mindless distractions of our time. Failure to incorpo-rate loss into our lives means that we have not yet acceptedthe full package life brings to us. Everything given is alsolost, redeemed by us only through a more conscious affir-mation of values that we continue to serve.

1. The recovery of personal authority is critical to the con-duct and reconstruction of the second half of life. If weare little more than our adaptations, then we colludewith happenstance, and remain prisoners of fate. Nomatter how sovereign we believe we are, we remain thelowliest of serfs to the tyrannies of whatever remainsunconscious.

What Matters Most 91

DRAFT2. Despite how risky love is, how easily we are hurt, none

of us can run from risking the dangerous shoals of love,compassion, and openness to others, lest we live asterile, unrelated life, locked within the constrictedframes of our history and our comfort zones. The par-adox of relationship will always be that rather thansolve our problems for us, relationship brings us newproblems, new complexities. In short, the greatest giftof relationship proves to be that as the result ofencountering each other, we are obliged to grow largerthan we had planned.

3. All of us feel ashamed by life, all of us consider our-selves failures of some kind, screw-ups in some arenaimportant to us. Notice how shame , consciously orunconsciously, pulls us away from risk, ratifies ournegative sense of worth through self-sabotage, or com-pels us into frenetic efforts at overcompensation, gran-diosity, or yearning for validation that never comes.How much each of us needs to remember theologianPaul Tillich’s definition of grace as accepting the factthat we are accepted, despite the fact that we are unac-ceptable.

4. Staying psychologically balanced so that in the goodmoments, we also remember the decline and dissolu-tion that rushes toward us like tomorrow, and that inthe moments of quiet despair we remember we have asoul, and that our soul is inviolate unless we give itaway.

5. No matter how well intended we begin, sooner or laterwe all spend good portions of this journey stumblingthrough savannas of suffering, wherein we nonethelessfind tasks that, when addressed—even in those dismal,

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DRAFTdiminishing circumstances—enlarge us. Going throughsuffering, rather than denying or anesthetizing it,knowing that if we hang in there, it will bring uschoices that can either enlarge us or diminish us, andthat when we are least in control, we still retain thefreedom of choosing what matters to us.

6. And it matters that we retain a sense of humor . Humoris a way in which we honor the contradictions,acknowledge the discrepancies, suffer the reversals,and release the tension through laughter when, onother occasions, tears are our preferred recourse.Recall Robert Frost’s wry couplet “Forgive O Lord mylittle joke on me / And I’ll forgive Thee great big jokeon me.”

“Love is always invisible, and in our world of hard-nosedmaterialists it’s important to remember that our highestgood is something we can never really see or grab hold of,much less understand by passing enough people throughan f.M.R.I. machine to look at their brainwaves. What wetake as the real world is not the world that matters most tous: the substance of our lives takes place in an invisiblerealm.” ~ from NYT review of Paul Auster’s “Invisible”

What Matters Most 93

DRAFTCHAPTER 20

Perfection or Happiness?

ho among us doesn’t want to have the perfect life?But does anybody ever really get to have such a life?

And if not, why is this so?

Because it is nothing more than a myth. Even if it weretrue, a perfect life would be most tragic nonetheless.

For perfection is an illusion seldom held in place for verylong. It might be here today but it’ll be gone the nexttomorrow.

Because in the end, perfection is okay with it’s own imper-fection even though you and I have difficulty in acceptingthis reality.

“Every conscious being has only their personal under-standing of the universe with which to operate. If thatbeing is rational, their mind works in rigorous hierarchicalorder with what it perceives as being real (existential),

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DRAFTprobable (theoretical), or possible (potential). Your per-sonal or usable version of the universe is therefore limitedin its scope by your knowledge of the infinite universe’spossibilities.

To put it another way, only things that you can at a min-imum conceive of being possible have any significance inyour personal universe. Therefore, your knowledge of theinfinite universe limits the size and scope of your personaluniverse (Michie, Jim. “Self-Realization, 2012).”

It is far more conceivable to imagine ourselves as being setperfectly in place than it is to think that we with ourlimited scope of awareness, attention, energy, intention,and understanding can achieve perfection. To do so wouldrequire far greater or an ever increasing level of controlover factors outside of our personal universe. Even if thisis a finite possibility, we have yet to discover the rules bywhich this might be made possible.

So, the only remaining question in my thinking is whetheror not we can be happy in our current state. This is ourchoice as limited as it may be.

Such happiness may in the end be an important prerequi-site in the journey towards more greatly perfecting ourexistence. Although a healthy dose of tension may need tobe sprinkled into the mix from time to time, completechaos, major friction or trauma, having one long pity-party for ourselves, this looks to me to be hugely counter-productive at best.

Perfect ion or Happiness? 95

DRAFTCHAPTER 21

You Have Everything You Need

here hidden within the scope of our personal uni-verse, we can find our physical, intellectual, emo-

tional, and spiritual entirety and it is all of this ‘stuff’ thatin the end makes us uniquely who we are.

Anxiety and its shadow, depression is a clown disguised asa ‘monster’ that takes great pleasure in persistently riding aperson like they’re a jackass.

Kick, buck and toss that fool into space every single timeyou see it coming your way.

This double-sided Joker, Anxiety and Depression has beenconstantly working at living within me for quite some timenow. More often than not I manage to keep it secretlytucked away, closeted, out of sight, and undiscovered bypeople with whom I come into constant contact. But asI’ve grown older, much like an old home, my body and

T

DRAFTmind is not as attractive, durable, flexible, protective orsturdy as it once was. Those cracks in our walled surfaceonce thought to be finally settled have grown larger andare now deep enough to be counted as additional storagespace. There within these spaces you will find compart-ments that house emotional baggage, physical limitations,and vulnerabilities.

Those items hidden from plain sight include chronic inse-curity, bipolar disorder, moderate obstructive sleep apnea(OSA) and as if there’s room for anything more, arthritis.

My natural inclination is to try to hide these things awayfrom others for the sake of appearing invincible. However,nearly two years ago I reached the point in which withoutmy permission these troubling conditions ceased toremain invisible. The fear that emerged as a result of theirfalling into view caused me to produce buckets of sweatwith the slightest increase in excitability?

If you have never experienced a meltdown I tell you it canbe terrifying and it makes you think that you have lost allcontrol over your person.

Of all the places to experience a feeling of public naked-ness it had to emerge for me at work, fully visible to mypeers and my boss.

It made me look and feel like an incompetent fool. I neverknew when I might appear de-clothed , socially discon-nected, and grossly out of touch in the context in which Iwas working.

You Have Everything You Need 97

DRAFTObstructive Sleep Apnea Symptoms

A person who has obstructive sleep apnea often is notaware of the apnea episodes during the night. Often,family members witness the periods of apnea. For me, itwas my wife that alerted me to the fact that I would stopbreathing in my sleep.

A person with obstructive sleep apnea usually beginssnoring heavily soon after falling asleep. Often the snoringgets louder. The snoring is then interrupted by a longsilent period during which there is no breathing. This isfollowed by a loud snort and gasp, as the person attemptsto breathe. This pattern repeats throughout the night. Thisis something that can kill you. A couple years ago, a verygood high school friend of mine stopped breathing in hissleep and never woke up.

Many people wake up unrefreshed in the morning and feelsleepy or drowsy throughout the day. This is called exces-sive daytime sleepiness (EDS). I was experiencing the fol-lowing common symptoms on a daily basis just a few yearsago.

People with sleep apnea may:

• Act grumpy, impatient, or irritable• Be forgetful• Fall asleep while working, reading, or watching TV• Feel sleepy while driving, or even fall asleep while

driving• Have hard to treat headaches

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DRAFTProblems that may occur with this condition:

• Depression that becomes worse• Hyperactive behavior, especially in children• Leg swelling (if severe)

The biggest problems for me were and continue to be irri-tability, being forgetful, and falling asleep while workingfor brief periods that occur so quickly that I don’t knowthat they have even taken place.

As I am sure you can understand, this puts a limit on thekind of work that a person with this condition can beexpected to do without presenting a risk to self and others.

On a few occasions, I made more than one hundred thou-sand dollars a year during periods of great performance.Today, I find myself working on average just eight to tenhours a week for $17.50 an hour. This has resulted in amajor shift in lifestyle.

One day in my last job when my problems were mountingI took advantage of the Employee Assistance Program(EAP) and began seeing a psychologist. I recall the psy-chologist telling me at the end of my sixth and final ses-sion that “You Have Everything You Need.”

Well you know what? I decided to believe that. I belief thatGod has blessed me with a beautiful mind. What I intendto do with it is exactly what my Grandpa told me to do at12 years old when I was faced with a problem and that isto “figure out for yourself a way to make the very best ofthe situation.”

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DRAFTLet’s be clear, I didn’t choose this situation for myself norwould I wish it on someone else. It is what it is. I can’t outrun it anymore than I can run away from it. Instead, I amrunning to it in anticipation that it has a much deepermeaning and purpose for my life than I could ever havethought possible.

When you get tripped up, knocked down off your horse orlose your A-game edge it is still your choice whether ornot you intend to get back up and continue to move for-ward by making a further contribution to your life and tothat of others.

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DRAFTCHAPTER 22

The Purpose Evolution

n his 2010 international bestseller, “The Power of Pur-pose: Find Meaning, Live Longer, Better,” author

Richard J. Leider informs us about the powerful evolutionof purpose:

Our purpose is an expression of the deepest dimensionwithin us-of our central core or essence, where we have aprofound sense of who we are, where we came from, andwhere we’re going. Purpose when it is clear, is the aimaround which we structure our lives, a source of directionand energy, and the way the meaning of our lives isworked out in daily experience. You have a purpose nomatter what age you are, how healthy you are, or whatyour economic or social situation is. Your purpose is thereason you were born, and it can be what gets you out ofbed in the morning.

I

DRAFTWhat determines the power in purpose, ultimately, is theworthiness of the focus. Having purpose that provides realpower requires a goal outside ourselves. Only when ourpurpose—is larger than ourselves can meaning be deeplysavored and long lasting, not just a goal completed andthen forgotten.

At our core we need to matter. We need evidence tobelieve that we are good people and are evolving—becoming the best we can be. Naming our purpose helpsus satisfy a basic need that we’re being used for a purposethat we recognize as a worthy one.

Each of us is on a quest to find our purpose whether weare consciously pursuing the quest or are vaguely awarethat something is missing.

Throughout history, humans have sought to make sense oftheir lives, searching for meaning through prayer, retreat,art, music, nature, community, gratitude, forgiveness, andmultiple other ways. Traditionally, purpose was connectedwith the spiritual aspect of people’s lives, and healers,priests, and shamans were the ministers who helpedpeople connect with the sacred to restore bodies and soulsto heath and wholeness.

The time to give our attention to producing our bestintentions, gaining meaning, having purpose or personalwellness is RIGHT NOW.

To personally do this, for the last year and a half I havebeen focusing on cultivating increased self-awareness,

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DRAFTthrough self-observation, contemplative and embodimentpractices and feedback, by validating my personal values,purpose and vision; communicating more authenticallyand compassionately with the individuals that I work with,the patients that I come into contact with; and byexpressing appreciation for others and embracing diver-sity on a much grander scale; by initiating dialogue withmentors, leaders and teachers at all levels across the globeand by systematically changing my approach to self andotherness; and using a comprehensive array of state-of-artmethodologies and social media technologies. As a result,I am steadily becoming a more emotionally, cognitively,physically, and spiritually balanced person.

While I still have all of the same human conditions to dealwith I have learned to operate in a manner that preventsthem from dominating my life or sending me off-trackand away from the very clear vision, purpose and meaningthat I have chosen for my life and is at the core of the rela-tionships that I hope very much to continue having withothers.

Out of sheer necessity, much of this groundwork work hasbeen done alone in the privacy of my heart and at home. Ithas been supported by meditation, prayer, reading,watching videos and messaging family, friends, colleaguesand strangers mostly for the chance to really hear whatothers have to offer about living, coping and recoveringfrom many of life’s most difficult challenges.

As an estimate, I can honestly tell you that I have directlyinteracted with thousands of people face-to-face, by tele-

The Purpose Evolut ion 103

DRAFTphone, conference call, email, me.mail, gmail, yahoo,aboutme, blogger, facebook, linkedin, twitter, and more.Given that I had the time, I tried to make the very best useof it by recognizing that time is a precious gift, one thatmay never be available to me again in such clear abun-dance.

This is my story, and this is also how and why I became‘the integrated person’.

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DRAFTCHAPTER 23

As For Me And My Calling

But what is happiness except the simple harmonybetween a person and the life they lead?” ~ Albert

Camus

As for me, now well into the second half of my life, I havegained awareness as a ‘being-at-work’ of soul in accord-ance with the active pursuit of virtue.

My “ultimate concern” is to be a person of good counseland example to youth regardless of setting. Ideally, Iwould like to create an organization where authentic lead-ership is enlivened and guided by a solid ethical core (1)the moral character of its leader, (2) the ethical valuesembedded in its director’s vision, articulation, and pro-gram, and (3) the morality of the processes of ethicalchoice and action that all of its leaders and associatesengage in and collectively pursue to foster the kind oforganization that brings out the very best in people - grati-

“

DRAFTtude, harmony, humility, love, charity, compassion, goodworks, reason, universal brotherhood, and the sharing ofboth power and authority with others.

My attention is primarily focused on experiencing a stateof calm presence, emotional equilibrium, clarity ofthinking, solidarity and wisdom.

The intention of my heart is to live in a harmonious andaltruistic way, actively motivated by the love of God, theexperience of union with Him, and the love of thyneighbor.

At the top of my list of important personal goals are thefollowing:

1. To be a helper, a spiritual being, and wisdom seeker(aware, attentive, humble, intentional, hopeful, joyful,kind, loving, and experienced with change, suffering,brokenness, and the challenges of the renewal processand wholeness) and acknowledge people as being spiri-tual in nature, with unique purpose in life and a desirefor meaning;

2. To be a Spiritual Practitioner who is on an individu-ating, humane and compassionate self-developmentaljourney (not predicated by any religious beliefs orinjunctions) in passionate pursuit of transformativelearning through a process of critical reflection; and

3. To encourage the expression of other people’s uniquegifts, talents, and the pursuit of their inner journey ofself-exploration and in the larger world; and

4. To honor my true calling which I believe to be findingways to facilitate the maturing of others in a “psycho-

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DRAFTspiritual” sense, while fostering goodness, and advo-cating the upholding humanitarian values.

As For Me And My Cal l ing 107

DRAFT