How To Survive Infidelity-Interview With Allison Cohen
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HOW TO COPE WITH INFIDELITY Interview with Allison Cohen Presented by Kajay Williams This report is NOT for sale and may not be resold. This is a FREE report and may be freely distributed or shared, provided none of the information or links are changed.
How To Survive Infidelity-Interview With Allison Cohen
In this report, you will learn how to survive infidelity from the insights shared by Allison Cohen. For more free tips, insights and advice on how to survive infidelity, visit http://infidelityinfo.com.
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HOW TO COPE WITH INFIDELITY Interview with Allison Cohen
Presented by Kajay Williams This report is NOT for sale and may not
be resold. This is aFREE report and may be freely distributed or
shared, provided none of the information or links are changed.
How To Cope With InfidelityDisclaimerThe material included in
this report is intended for informational purposes only andin no
way is meant to substitute for individualized mental health therapy
providedin person by a professional. No claim to cure, treat,
diagnose or otherwise providemental or behavioral health care is
guaranteed, promised or implied by this report.We do not accept any
liability or injury, loss, or damage incurred by the use of,
orreliance upon, information contained in this report.If you are in
need of mental health services, please contact a licensed
professional.If there is an immediate or life threatening crisis,
or any other mental healthemergency,CALL 911.
www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 1
How To Cope With InfidelityQ and A with Allison CohenQ1. When
someone suspects their partner or spouse is having an affair,what
should they do? Should they confront them without having the
proofor should they confront only after having the evidence?First
and most importantly, before you take any active steps, you have to
askyourself WHY you suspect your partner of cheating. You have to
be able todifferentiate between the possibility of human
insecurities and fear getting thebest of you versus real,
substantive feelings/reasoning for your concerns.Ask yourself what
proof you have to warrant your concerns and whether thosefears have
any base in reality. If youve been able to determine that there is
trueevidence, its best to be honest and direct because playing
investigator behindyour partners back can be devastating to the
relationship if it turns out that theyhave been faithful all
along.Of course, confronting your partner is no guarantee that they
will own whattheyve done, but it begins an important dialogue which
will allow you to expressyour concerns and bring up issues youve
been struggling with in the marriage.Even if your partner denies
any wrong doing, infidelity always comes out in theend. Pay
attention and stay cognizant and youll soon have your answer.Q2. So
often, the straying spouse almost always denies having an affair
andbecome defensive when they are asked that question. They accuse
thebetrayed spouse of being paranoid, jealous and controlling.
Sometimes theyeven turn the table around and accuse the betrayed
spouse of having anaffair.What do you suggest someone do when they
fear their spouse may becheating on them but they are repeatedly
met with an uncooperative, www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com
www.InfidelityInfo.com 2
How To Cope With Infidelityhostile and defensive spouse who is
not willing to address their spousesfears and concerns?Even if
youve tried to have the conversation, it may likely have come out
instream of unrelentingly emotional accusations which is a sure
fire way to turnanyone off. Your partner may indeed be hiding
something but unless youimplement the right tools, you may never
find your answer.First, mention to your partner that you would like
to have a calm, rationaldiscussion (this sets the tone and may make
them feel more open to the dialogue)and ask them what day/time
works best for them. Next, in preparation for thetalk, write down
all of the subtle (or not so subtle) shifts youve noticed in
yourpartners behaviors that you would like a response to (IE
changes in the way theydress, shifts in their schedule, more time
away from you, being secretive abouttheir phone use etc.) This list
will help you narrow your focus and get clarity onwhat you really
want to know.Right before its time to have the discussion, its
important that you take a fewmoments to center yourself and create
an imaginary force field that will preventyou from blowing up or
reverting to that reactive person you may have beenduring those
prior conversations. Take several slow, deep breaths and
visualizeyourself staying calm and resilient even if your partner
tries to shift blame ormake you feel crazy.Stay your course and
envision yourself referring back to your list when you arestarting
to feel emotional or unhinged. Once youve built your emotional
shield,sit down with your partner and explain that you have noticed
some changeswithin them that you would like to understand
better.Start by telling them all of the wonderful things you love
about them and yourrelationship and how you hope through this
conversation to strengthen yourbond and leave it with a better
understanding of who they are and what they may
www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 3
How To Cope With Infidelityneed from you. Mention that you are
open to making changes they may needfrom you in order to re-build
or maintain your connection.Once you have explained your intentions
for the conversation, note that you havesome observations/questions
youve written down that youre hoping to gainclarity on and ask your
partner if they would mind your going down the list tohear from
them, as to what specifically may be happening.If you are able to
use all of these tools and stay in a constructive andcommunicative
zone, you will have everything you need to gain clarity. However,if
your partner continues to stonewall, turn things around or get
defensive, it maybe time to take a more active role in sussing out
the situation.Q3. It makes sense. Basically what you are advocating
is to remain calm andcomposed and not to assume things or confront
with an aggressive tone orbody language even when you strongly
suspect that your partner or spouseis cheating on you because you
probably run the risk of blowing up thingsthan dealing with the
problem in a mature way.Now, it is one thing to ask your partner
something and it is another thingbeing able to handle the truth. We
receive emails from readers whosometimes prefer not to know the
truth because they fear they would not beable to handle it. In
other instances, even though the betrayed partner orspouse knows
that their partner is having an affair will choose to ignore
itbecause of other reasons like they cannot afford a divorce or
because theyhave kids or because they are dependent on their spouse
etc.You talked about being mentally prepared with regards to taking
a non-aggressive, non-accusatory approach to ask the suspected
straying partneror spouse about the affair, what can someone do to
be better prepared tohandle the truth which may or may not be
something they want to hear? www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com
www.InfidelityInfo.com 4
How To Cope With InfidelityAnd more importantly, what sort of
tone and approach should they takeonce they know their partner or
spouse has been having an affair?As previously referenced, when
approaching any difficult conversation, itsimportant to enter it
with the most constructive mind set. You want to play outthe likely
scenarios in order to prevent yourself from being caught by the
elementof surprise and lessen the likelihood of emotional
devastation. Beyond thepotentially upsetting information you may
hear, is what you may do after youveheard it. You are likely blame,
shame and punish yourself for whatever yourpartner might share with
you.Minus a very select amount of scenarios, it takes two to tango.
We are flawedhumans and have to allow ourselves to make mistakes;
mostly because we areentitled but also because it provides an
important window to learn, grow andimprove. If your partner tells
you they have been cheating, defy every urge youhave to convince
yourself that you are fully responsible or somehow lessdesirable,
valuable and worthy of love for what they have done.You will have
to create a positive internal track in your head as the swell
ofemotions and negative, punishing thoughts swirl in your head.
Play that track onrepeat and you will have a greater chance of not
only dealing with the news butsurviving it as well.Once you have
learned of your partners infidelity, its important that you
figureout what you want from your relationship from this point
forward, beforeapproaching your mate. Think about whether you want
to try to work it out,separate or even divorce.Listen to your
instincts and match them against your desires, needs and thereality
of your circumstances. Youll then be able to collect your thoughts
to mostsuccessfully communicate them in a calm, explanatory and
rational manner. www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com
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How To Cope With InfidelityQ4. After the discovery of the
affair, the betrayed spouse often feels theneed to know every
little detail of the affair because at that point they feelthey are
entitled to and cannot heal unless they know these details. At
thesame time, I have had so many readers who struggle later on
recoveringfrom the affair because of these details. Almost anything
and everythingreminds them about the affair because they know so
much about the affair.Can you talk us through the right questions
to ask after the affair that canhelp rebuild a stronger marriage
and the questions that are better not beasked after the affair
because they may be a stumbling block for recoveringfrom the
betrayal?Curiosity is one of the most basic, human responses when
faced with the reality ofpartner infidelity, however, specifics can
and will often decimate the chance ofreconciliation if too many
details are revealed. In order to get the necessaryinformation AND
move forward in the relationship, stick to the 5W formulabelow: Who
was the affair with? What happened physically? When did it begin
and how long did it go on for? Where did it occur? Why did your
partner feel the need to step out of the marriage?Any information
beyond the confines established above, will set you down anegative
path and away from the healing necessary to move forward. Resist
theurge to poke and prod to get more answers. You wont feel any
more at peace andit will actually aggravate and exacerbate the
struggle to repair the damage.Q5. I really love the 5W formula-
simple yet effective. But for those people
www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 6
How To Cope With Infidelitywho already know too many details of
the affair and are suffering fromrepeated flashbacks and memories
of the affair, can you suggest somepractical strategies to overcome
these negative thoughts?You have to think of your relationship like
an emotional bank account. Because ofthe affair and the events
leading up to it, your balance is at an all time low. Livingin that
negative space creates even more of a breeding ground for
flashbacks andpainful memories of the infidelity. Understand that
with any emotional trauma,there will be waves of
emotion/flashes/painful images that wash over you, evenwhen it may
seem like you are living in a peaceful moment.Remind yourself that
this is normal and it WILL pass. Every day you seeyourselves
communicating, addressing issues and working as a team,
thosememories will slowly fade into the distance, become less
frequent and you WILLbuild back to a solid balance in your
account.That healthy balance will provide you with the necessary
tools to manage whenthose difficult moments strike because your
relationship will be strong enough totake the financial hit.
Patience in knowing that recovery is a marathon and not asprint,
will be essential.Q6. There is actually quite a lot of helpful
information with regards tohealing from the affair for the betrayed
spouse and there is also a lot ofinformation on what the straying
spouse should do with regards torebuilding the marriage after the
affair and helping the betrayed spouserecover from the affair.But
there is comparatively little information on the feelings of the
strayingspouse. Very often they are painted as the bad guy, the
villain, theperpetrator, the liar, the cheat, the deceiver etc, but
they too have theirshare of struggles like experiencing guilt,
feeling ashamed and www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com
www.InfidelityInfo.com 7
How To Cope With Infidelityembarrassed, experiencing stress,
having conflicting feelings between thespouse and the wife
etc.While they are responsible for the affair and need to do a lot
of hard workin earning the trust back and helping the betrayed
spouse to recover fromthe affair, how do they deal with their self
healing? Because they are seen asthe wrong guy or girl, people may
not be very sympathetic towards themand they may be hesitant to
share what they are going through with thebetrayed spouse due to
shame and guilt.What are some things they can do to self heal after
the affair?Being labeled the cheater can have serious, negative
implications for your selfesteem as well as your ability to take
the necessary steps to rebuild therelationship. Its important to
find the balance between ownership of your mistakeand forgiveness
for being human/making a devastating choice. Because manywont have
sympathy for the crippling guilt, emotional battering you will
receivefrom your partner and monumental task of eventually letting
the past lie in thepast, it will be critical for the straying
partner to find their own therapist to talkto.It will not only help
the couple when the individual puts the whys together butit will
also help the individual gain support, information and a necessary
guide towalk them through the pitfalls of the reparation process.
If cost is a concern, doan internet search for low fee therapy or
low cost therapy. In most major citiesthere are clinics providing
psychotherapy for as little as $10-$15 per session.Q7. You touch
upon a very important point here that is ownership of theaffair.
This is one of the most frustrating points the betrayed spouse
haswhen the wayward spouse behaves in a way that they are more
sorry forbeing caught than being involved in the affair.
www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 8
How To Cope With InfidelityOften times after the discovery of
the affair, the wayward spouse behaves ina more reactive manner
than being proactive. We have got emails from ourreaders betrayed
by their partners who point out they are the ones who goabout
choosing the therapist, they are the ones actively discussing
andparticipating in the therapy sessions, they are the ones reading
books onrepairing a marriage after the affair etc.Is this an
indication of the wayward spouse being disinterested and
goingthrough the motions and doing things just because they have to
or is there awaiting period typically after the discovery of the
affair before which thestraying spouse truly understands and
realizes the damage they havecaused?As with all traumas, it takes
time to fully absorb the gravity of the woundscreated. Sadly, there
is no way to guarantee that your partners reactivity (versuspro
activity) is a function of being emotionally checked out of the
relationship.Ideally you want to see your mate instantly kick into
a repentant, action orientedmode, but it may take time.While the
betrayed spouse has many emotions to wade through and process,
thewayward spouse has an equal but drastically different amount of
feelings to piecetogether. The shame and guilt over their
transgression can lead to feelings ofunworthiness which impacts
their desire to rebuild the relationship. Thesefeelings may then
get misconstrued as disinterest. Unfortunately every situationis
unique and therefore requires patience to ascertain the course and
success ofemotional recovery.The good news however, is that it wont
take long to figure out which way yourrelationship will turn. Pay
attention to your partners verbal and non verbal cues,their
willingness/responsiveness to entering therapy to repair the
damage, yourgeneral requests etc. Within weeks youll have your
answer. www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com
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How To Cope With InfidelityQ8. We receive emails from readers
who have been cheated by their spousein the past and just when they
feel things are getting better, they again findtheir spouse has
cheated on them. Can serial infidels truly change and whatwould
your advice be for the betrayed spouse looking to find ways
torebuild their marriage with a serial infidel?One of the problems
with serial infidelity is the ease of execution the waywardspouse
feels, with every passing encounter. Internal judgment and fear of
beingcaught can subside and turn to thrill seeking and justifying.
While nothing isimpossible, your chance for marital repair lessens
with each occurrence. That said,I have seen clients rebound from
serial infidelity but it is rarer. It always comesdown to partners
feeling more love for each other than hate for what has beendone to
damage the relationship.While some infidelity is a function of
individual issues and bares no reflection onthe state of the
relationship, often times people seek comfort outside the
confinesof their partner because of what isnt working in the
relationship.So, to the wounded spouse, I would suggest approaching
your relationshipthrough the eyes of a curious, casual observer.
Once the intensity of the angersubsides, take a step back and focus
on what someone outside your marriagemight notice what works, what
doesnt work, how much you both may havebeen neglecting each others
needs (or whether or not this was even a factor tobegin
with).Through this exercise you can gain clarity, motivation to
repair the damage andeven feel (a bit) of empathy for your partners
struggles in the relationship.Nothing will magically wipe away the
pain but this practice can put you in a moreconstructive, pro
active frame of mind that will help you start to move throughthe
wreckage.Q9. Some of our readers have emailed us that they have
problems forgivingtheir spouse for the affair. It seems as if they
want to forgive their spouse www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com
www.InfidelityInfo.com 10
How To Cope With Infidelitybut a part of them refuses to do
that and some fear that they may never beable to forgive their
spouse for the affair. In other instances, we have heardfrom our
readers that they fear that if they forgive their spouse for
theaffair that their spouse may forget about the affair and may
cheat again.Can you provide some practical strategies to help
people struggling withforgiveness?In any circumstance where
forgiveness is required, yet hesitance ensues, you haveto look at
WHY its so difficult for you to let go and even more important,WHAT
you are getting from NOT forgiving. Often times, clients report
thatthey dont want to move past the infidelity because they feel
that if they movepast it, it gives their partner a free pass or
leaves them vulnerable to it happeningagain. Others report that
they just arent done punishing their partner yet.While all of these
feelings are valid, you have to compare them against whatyoull be
gaining if you are able to repair the damage and then evaluate what
youwant the most (getting your partnership back on track vs.
emotionally protectingyourself from harm etc). Theres no judgment
in either scenario but itsimperative that you understand what you
are doing in order to make the choicethats right for you.Q10. Can
you walk through the steps involved in rebuilding a marriage
afterthe affair when both the parties are committed?Unfortunately
there is no magical formula to marital repair after an affair.
Everycouples process will be different due to the nature and
circumstances of theinfidelity. That said, it is typically a road
filled with many ups and downs that dodissipate over time. There
will be flashbacks of the affair for the betrayed partner,there
will be crippling guilt for the wayward partner. There will be
moments ofcloseness quickly followed by an emotional recoiling
because of the anger and fearthat comes along with letting someone
who has wronged you back into your www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com
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How To Cope With Infidelityheart. The waves will be intense,
but lessen, pass and become less frequent overtime.Each partner has
to be honest about what hasnt been working in the relationshipand
where they are at day to day in the recovery process. Both have to
besteadfast in the parts they play, in order to heal the
relationship. In terms oftiming, Ive had couples move through
infidelity in a matter of months and sometake years. In any
circumstance, its a journey the two must agree to taketogether.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel for those that truly,
truly wantit.About Allison CohenAllison Cohen, M.A., MFT is a
licensed, private practice psychotherapist, with 10 yearsexperience
in individual and couples therapy.With offices in Beverly Hills and
Tarzana, CA, Allison specializes in aiding clients thatstruggle
with life issues including self esteem, partner dynamics, family of
origin conflict,identity formation, communication skills, intuitive
eating, anxiety and depression.She uses a kind but direct approach
to provide concrete tools for life long change. Shebelieves that
the client is the expert on themselves and through an eclectic
combination oforientations, she works to bring out the best version
of the client that they can be.She is a member of the California
Association of Marriage Family Therapists, DivorceTransition
Professionals and Psi Chi (the International Honor Society of
Psychology).To know more about Allison Cohen,
visitwww.lifeissuespsychotherapy.com.For more free tips, insights
and advice from hundreds of experts and authors on infidelity,visit
www.InfidelityInfo.com. www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com
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How To Cope With Infidelitywww.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com
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