Conflict Resolution 101

Rita Sterling & Eileen CliftTransformative Results

7/17/14

TransformativeResults.com 2

Table of Contents

• Conflict Exercise #1• Understanding Conflict• Conflict Exercise #2• Conflict Resolution Deci

sion Process

• Constructive Feedback Loop

• How to Give Constructive Feedback

• Understanding Other’s Perceptions

• Constructive Feedback Guidelines

• Managing Expectations re: Behavior Change

• Conflict Resolved or Unresolved?

• Exercise: Barriers to Giving Feedback

• What if You Are The Receiver of Feedback?

Personal Reflection – What is Your Experience of How You Resolve Conflict?

Experience First To Engage With The Topic

Conflict Exercise #1The following two pages contain a series of open-ended statements intended to help you discover and share your reactions to conflict and your ways of dealing with it. Find a partner for this exercise. You will both learn from each other’s responses.

The ground rules to be followed:

1.  Take turns initiating the discussion.

First, Partner #1 answers an item. Then Partner #2 answers the same item. Complete each statement orally. Do not write you answers.

2.  This discussion is confidential.

3.   Do not look ahead on this sheet.

4.   Do not skip items. Respond to each one in the order in which it appears.

First, read on your own, silently. When both you and your partner have finished reading silently, you may begin to converse about your answers.

TransformativeResults.com

1. The time I felt best about dealing with conflict was when…------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------2. When someone disagrees with me about something important or challenges me in

front of others I usually…------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------3. When I get angry, I…------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------4. When I think of negotiating, I….------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------5. The most important outcome of conflict is…------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------6. I usually react to negative criticism by…------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------7. When I confront someone I care about, I…------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------8. I feel most vulnerable during a conflict when…------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------9. I resent…------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------10. When someone avoids conflict with me, I…------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------11. My greatest strength in handling conflict is…TransformativeResults.com

Conflict Exercise #1 Pg. 1 of 2

TransformativeResults.com

Conflict Exercise #1 Pg. 1 of 2

12. When things are not going well I tend to…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

13. I imagine that you (your partner) handle most conflict by…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

14. (check out your prediction with your partner)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

15. I will sometimes avoid unpleasant situations by (explain)…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

16. I am most apt to confront people in situations such as…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

17. I usually hide or camouflage my feelings when…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

18. My greatest weakness in handling conflict is…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

19. When I think about confronting a potentially unpleasant person, I…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

20. I sometimes avoid directly confronting someone when…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

21. I am most likely to assert myself in situations that…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

22. By next year I would like to be able to handle conflict better by improving my ability to…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

23. Right now, I’m feeling…

Understanding Conflict

Why is Conflict Inevitable?What are the Causes of Conflict?

TransformativeResults.com 8

Understanding ConflictConflict is inevitable – we all have differences. Everyone needs to feel understood, nurtured, and supported.

– The ways in which these needs are met vary widely. – Differing needs create some of the most severe challenges in our

personal and professional relationships. • The needs of both parties play important roles in the long-term

success of most relationships, and each deserves respect and consideration. – In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing

needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. – In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter

disputes, sometimes resulting in broken deals, fewer profits and lost jobs.

• In addition to needs as a source of conflict, here are some more sources….

TransformativeResults.com

Understanding Conflict: Potential Causes

• Access to resources• Assumptions• Beliefs• Communication gaps• Desires• Direction• Expectations• Goals• Ideas

• Ideologies• Interests• Methods/Approach• Motivations• Needs• Perceptions• Personality• Values• World View/Philosophy

9

Conflict occurs when people disagree over a clash of:

TransformativeResults.com 10

Understanding Conflict• A conflict is more than just a disagreement.

– It is a situation in which one or both parties perceive a threat (whether or not the threat is real) such as a threat to getting one’s needs met.

• Conflicts continue to fester when ignored. – Because conflicts involve perceived threats to our well-being and survival,

they stay with us until we face and resolve them.• We respond to conflicts based on our perceptions of the situation

– not necessarily to an objective review of the facts. – Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values, and

beliefs. • Conflicts trigger strong emotions.

– If you aren’t comfortable with your emotions or able to manage them in times of stress, you won’t be able to resolve conflict successfully.

• Conflicts are an opportunity for growth. – When you’re able to resolve conflict in a relationship, it builds trust. – You can feel secure knowing your relationship can survive challenges and

disagreements.http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq8_conflict_resolution.htm

TransformativeResults.com 11

Understanding Conflict

Conflict Resulting From Deep Personal NeedSometimes differences appear trivial, but when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal need is often at the core of the problem. • These needs can be:

– a need to feel safe and secure– a need to feel respected and valued– a need to have power over one’s life– a need for greater closeness and intimacy

TransformativeResults.com 12

Conflict Exercise #2

Think of a conflict you have had that conjured up strong emotions and that you at least attempted to resolve.1. Describe the conflict situation and your initial reaction to it. 2. Who was the conflict with?3. What did they do to “push your buttons”? 4. What emotions did you feel (anger, disgust, fear, betrayed,

disrespected, belittled, etc.). 5. Describe how you gave them feedback.6. What were the results of your attempt at resolving the issue?

Conflict Resolution Decision Process

ACTIVATING EVENT: Someone does something to make you angry.

How to decide if you want to give feedback or just avoid the issue?

TransformativeResults.com 14

CR Decision Process – Step #1

ANALYZE THE SITUATION• What has happened?• What emotions came up?• What might be the motivation of the

other person? What need(s) are they trying to get met even if they don’t go about it in a way that you like?

• What is the root issue? – (see potential causes for conflict)

TransformativeResults.com 15

CR Decision Process – Step #2ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS TO DECIDE IF THIS IS A CONFLICT YOU WANT TO WORK AT RESOLVING: • Do you need to address this or will it resolve on its own without

intervention?• Is it worth the effort? Why? Are you “choosing your battles” wisely? • What level of emotional intimacy do you desire with this person? • If not resolved, will your relationship with the other person suffer and does

that matter to you? – How important is this relationship to you? What is your level of desire/need to

maintain this relationship? – What impact will this have to you personally and professionally?– What impact will it have on others around you?

• Is it even possible to resolve this conflict? – How willing and able are both parties to change as needed based on this conflict? – Is this a deep personality issue or belief that you know the other person has no

desire and/or ability to change? – Has the other person betrayed you and you know you will never be able to forgive

them? Some betrayals run way too deep.

TransformativeResults.com 16

CR Decision Process – Step #3

ASSESS NEXT STEPS If after answering the questions above, you feel you need to talk this out with the offending person go to “How To Give Constructive Feedback”.

If you are not sure yet, discuss with a confidant or two and journal your thoughts and feelings until you are sure what you want to do.

Constructive Feedback Loop

Intentions/Attitudes

Actions/Behaviors

Results/Outcomes

Feedback

Through on-going and constructive feedback, individuals learn about the effect their behavior has on others and on the team's success.

The most important guideline when providing feedback is to be specific and deal only with what you can observe: behaviors/actions and results. Even though intentions play an important role in actions, they are too nebulous and too easily misinterpreted. You cannot observe someone’s intentions.

TransformativeResults.com 18

How to Give Constructive FeedbackReview the constructive feedback model, then use it with your conflict person:

1 - Raise the issue(“I’d like to talk about something with you, is this a good time?”)

2 - Describe the specifics (“When you..., the result is…, and I feel…)

3 – Ask about their perception of the situationHow do you see the situation/what is your perspective?”)

4 - Paraphrase back to the person your understanding of what they have just said to decrease any misunderstandings.(“So, from your perspective…”)

6 - Discuss potential solutions re: new behavior (“In the future, how can we…? I might also suggest…”)

6 - Agree on an action plan (“Okay, so I’ll. and you’ll …, do you agree? Anything else we should discuss?”)

7 - Make plans to follow up if appropriate (“Let’s address this again in a month and see how things are going.”)

TransformativeResults.com 19

How to Give Constructive Feedback• As you understand the other person’s perspective, and they

understand yours, you are better able to find a resolution to the conflict -- a solution you both can live with.

• In cases where the conflict was based on a misunderstanding or a lack of insight to the other’s point of view, a simple apology can work wonders, and an open discussion can bring people closer together.

• Other times, there is a little more work required. In cases where there’s a conflict about an issue and both people don’t agree, you have a few options: – sometimes you can agree to disagree – you can find a compromise or middle ground – the person who feels more strongly about an issue may get their way, with

the understanding that they will concede the next time. • The important thing is to come to a place of understanding, and try to

work things out in a way that’s respectful to all involved.

TransformativeResults.com 20

Examples of Describing the Specifics

Here are some examples of describing the specifics:

– “When you arrive late (their behavior), I have to wait (the impact on you), and I feel frustrated (the resulting emotions).”

– “When you tell the kids they can do something that I’ve already forbidden (their behavior), some of my authority as a parent is taken away (the impact on you), and I feel undermined (the resulting emotions).”

Understanding Other’s Perceptions• How to uncover the other person’s perceptions:

– “Could you please explain that further?”– “Please describe your perception of the situation.”– “Let me share with you my perception and you give me

your reaction to it.”– “Tell me how you see it.”– “What are you witnessing that causes you to view the

situation the way you do?”– “Can you give me an example to help me understand?”– “How do you think your perception compares to others?”– “What assumptions might we be making here?”

TransformativeResults.com

TransformativeResults.com 22

Constructive Feedback Guidelines• KNOW YOUR GOAL: What is your desired outcome for this interaction?

What goal do you have for this relationship? Be ready to explain that goal to the other person. “I want to have a better working relationship with you so we both can be successful.”

• SEEK PERMISSION: Whenever possible, feedback that is requested is more powerful. Ask permission to provide feedback. Say, "Are you up for feedback on your presentation?" What is the emotional bank account that you have with this person? Will they give you the “right” to give them feedback, i.e. will they listen to you? Will they get defensive? Are you ready to deal with their defensiveness? If not, get coaching.

• PAY ATTENTION TO TIMING & LOCATION: Effective feedback is well timed and given at an appropriate location (not in front of other people). Provide the information as closely tied to the event as possible. Select a place that is sensitive to the potential emotional reactions of the receiver and their self-esteem. Don't confront someone in a public setting or when uninvolved people are present.

TransformativeResults.com 23

Constructive Feedback Guidelines• BE SINCERE: The best feedback is sincerely and honestly provided to

help. Trust me, people will know if they are receiving it for any other reason. Some people give feedback that is not sincere but is focused on the emotional and psychological release they get from giving feedback.

• BE SPECIFIC: Effective feedback is specific, not general. Instead of saying "You aren't being very professional," say, "Punctuality is very important to me and you came in 20 minutes late this morning and were 20 minutes late for our staff meeting." Explain what you are witnessing as if you were watching through a movie camera.

• FOCUS ON BEHAVIORS: Effective feedback always focuses on a specific behavior, not a judgment of the person or their intentions. (When you held competing conversations during the meeting, when Mary had the floor, you distracted the people in attendance.)

• ADDRESS CHANGEABLE BEHAVIOR: Successful feedback describes actions or behavior that the individual can do something about.

TransformativeResults.com 24

Constructive Feedback Guidelines (Cont’d)

• USE I-BASED STATEMENTS: Start with "I" vs. "You". Ex: "I didn't understand what you said." vs. "You didn't explain that very clearly.“ You-based statements create defensive reactions, increases conflict, and prevents a problem-solving mode.

• EXPLAIN YOUR OBSERVATION vs GIVE ADVICE: Effective feedback involves the sharing of information and observations. It does not include advice unless you have permission or advice was requested. Constructive feedback is not criticism; it is descriptive and should always be directed to the action, not the person.

• AVOID INTERPRETING MOTIVATION: Effective feedback involves what or how something was said or done, not why. Asking why is asking people about their motivation and that provokes defensiveness. Plus, some motives are subconscious - the person won’t know their real motivation.

• CHECK UNDERSTANDING: Check to make sure the other person understood what you communicated by paraphrasing, asking, or observing changed behavior.

TransformativeResults.com 25

Constructive Feedback Guidelines• BE CONSISTENT: Effective feedback is as consistent as possible. If the

actions are inappropriate today, they're inappropriate tomorrow.• PRIORITIZE: Understand the amount of information that the person

receiving the feedback can use, rather than on the amount of feedback you might like to give. Prioritize - people usually can’t handle more than 3 areas for improvement at a time.

• ADMIT CONTRIBUTION: Figure out where you went wrong or how you may have contributed to the conflict. Admit it early on.

• DO NOT VENT: Don’t “vomit” your emotional reaction to their behavior, do that with a third party or write a letter that you won’t give to anyone just to get your upset feelings out.

• JOINTLY GENERATE ALTERNATIVE SOLUTIONS: Jointly explore alternatives rather throwing out your solution(s). Usually people don’t like being told what to do and they want a part in determining the solution.

THE PROCESS OF CHANGE IN

How People Learn New Habits

Become aware of the need to change

Learn new skill, coping mechanisms, new perspective

Notice afterwards that you should have used the new skill

Recognize while happening but too bothered by the situation to use the new skill

Notice afterwards that you should have used the new skill more effectively

Recognize while happening and try new skill - works poorly or moderately well

Recognize while happening & practice new skill successfully

Sustain change under unstressful circumstances

Sustain change under stressful circumstances

New behavior imprinted

Frustrated

Optimistic

Disappointed

Fearful

Hopeful

Discouraged

Encouraged

Successful

Proud

“Second Nature”

FEELINGS:

Managing Expectations re: Behavior Change

TransformativeResults.com 27

Conflict Resolved or Unresolved?

Has the conflict been resolved? If so, move on with your life. If your attempts at resolving the conflict have failed, you may need to:

1. Engage a third party mediation coach or a therapist2. Have less interaction with the person

• Example: a co-worker who is not leaving our workplace any time soon3. Set better boundaries

• Example: When dealing with difficult family members, on the other hand, adding a few boundaries and accepting the other person’s limitations in the relationship can bring some peace.

or 2. Cut ties completely

• Example: cases of abuse - simple conflict resolution techniques can only take you so far, and personal safety needs to take priority.

• Example: in friendships that are unsupportive, inconsiderate of your needs, or contain power struggles, letting go may be a great source of stress relief.

Only YOU can decide if a relationship can be improved through effective conflict resolution, or should be let go.

Place a check in the boxes next to these you have fallen prey to at some point.

Exercise: Barriers to Giving Feedback

I am afraid of how the other person will receive and respond to my feedback so I avoid giving it at all.

I am not perfect, so who am I to judge anyone else’s behavior?

I have let the situation go on too long and I am afraid I will blow up with anger if I try to handle it now.

I’ll just get my message across indirectly by using sarcasm or by joking.

If I give my leader constructive feedback, it may be used against me at my next performance appraisal.

If I wait long enough the situation might resolve itself so I don’t have to do anything about it.

It takes so much time to give feedback effectively, I’d rather pick up the slack than take the time to correct another’s behavior.

Since I don't like to receive feedback, I assume no one else does. Therefore, I'll ignore the problem.

There never seems to be a "right" time to give feedback so I'll just wait (and wait, and wait...).

What if You Are The Receiver of Feedback?

Assessing the validity of the feedbackUnderstanding the bigger picture of feedback

How to receive feedback

TransformativeResults.com

Valid Feedback

Unjustified Feedback

Vague Feedback

One tendency in responding to valid feedback is to give it more heed than necessary, to make it more important than it really is. We must recognize that we all make mistakes. It is helpful to keep in mind that the more active and fruitful our lives, the more likely we will be to make some mistakes and hence, to receive feedback. Avoiding action simply to avoid the risk of making mistakes is a defeatist and unproductive alternative.

May come as a result of our not living up to someone else's fantasy. Often, people do not communicate their expectations of us, and thus, we are vulnerable to disappointing them. But this is their fault, not ours. Moreover, for feedback to be genuinely helpful, it must be expressed in specific, concrete terms, so that we can understand the expectations and take appropriate action if we so choose.

May simply indicate a difference of opinion. In this type of feedback, the critic is often someone who thinks his/her values and methods of doing something are better than yours. Feedback of this kind may act as an effective cover for more deeply held feelings such as jealousy, fear of the unknown, insecurity, or arrogance. But it is important for us to address this type of feedback as well as the other types, because our critic may have legitimate feelings that need to be worked out. In short, this sort of feedback may suggest more about our critic than it does about us.

Assessing Feedback Someone Has Given You

95%

5%“Problem” Behavior

Behavior That Works For People

Usually, behavioral areas for improvement just represent a sliver of how we behave. When we receive feedback, sometimes it feels like we are being told our behavior is 95% bad. Remember, you have great qualities and assuming the feedback is valid, you probably have only 1-3 areas for improvement.

Understanding the Bigger Picture of What is Going On?

TransformativeResults.com 32

How to Receive Feedback

Listen carefully. Listen for the whole message.

Affirm the other's feeling, for ex: paraphrasing to

diffuse emotions. Control your impulse to deny or

explain before you've heard the other person's

position.

Develop an awareness of the impact of their

feedback on you physically and emotionally. Don't

take any criticism personally. Breathe and relax.

Try not to overreact or get defensive, but mentally

note questions or disagreements for later

discussion.

Repeat back what you think you hear to check your perception or understanding by using your own words.

Ask questions for clarification and ask for examples in those areas which are unclear or in which

disagreement exists. "What exactly do you find

inappropriate about my behavior?" "How do you

think it could have been done differently?"

Liberally use the phrase "Tell me more."