Victoria SmithSmith Mediation & ConsultingVsmith.mediation@gmail.com

Downloads\Cinderella and the wicked step sisters.mp4

What do fairy tales have to do with conflict?

VictimHeroVillain

Making a Victim

Airing our grievances to others

Blaming

Our Egos have been attacked

Powerless

Passive

Innocent

Manipulative

Hope to show the pain we have been caused

ProtectsSelflessAggressiveJustice“They had it coming”DefenderRighteous

What makes a Villain?

Mean Spirited

Vindictive

Controlling

Aggressive

They feel backed into a corner

Win-Lose Solutions

Victimization for everyone

Attacks

Is she the Victim?KanyeKaty Perry

Is she the Villain?KanyeKaty Perry

Is she her own Hero?“Why is it mischievous, fun and sexy if a guy has a string of lovers that he’s cast aside? Yet, if a woman dates three or four people in an eight-year period, she is a serial dater”

All of us are the villains of someone’s story We feel threatened and lash out because we have no where else to go

CriticismThere is a difference between venting and complainingFind our voice

Passive Assertive

Aggressive Assertive

AvoidsThey don’t want to cause conflictApologizes even if they have no reasonHard time communicating their feeling, needs etc.

CriticismUses HumiliationSuperiorityImpulsiveHard Time Listening To Others

States What They WantDoesn’t Violate OthersNot Push OversListens to OthersBody Language

There is a fine line between righteous and self-righteousBoth AggressiveBoth Protecting

Know what types of behavior or people trigger a response from youWork on positive change with them and yourselfDon’t be afraid to tell someone how something they did made you feel

You and I statementsPut Blame on the other person

Focus on behaviors, words and actions not the personWhat do you do to be a better communicator?

“LISTEN. We often already have the answer to what the other person is saying before we even listen to what they have to say.” (Survey).“You have to be open to saying something they don’t want to hear or hearing something you don’t want to hear.” (Survey).

Listening to what the person is saying and waiting to commentYelling is OK- As long as you are “speaking” the same languageWe can’t judge how people communicate

Acknowledge who the other person is (Ury).Don’t get stuck on positionsUnderstand our differences

People that come up with their own solutions are 80% more likely to follow through

Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement

In mediation I ask for at least 3 best alternativesIf you don’t get what you want what is the next best thing?This helps you know what you really want

Worst Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement

No one gets what they wantSomeone else makes a decision for youRelationship breaks

The problem is often not the people, you need to make that separationKnow what issue everyone is really talking aboutWho decides what is fair?They are probably not out to get you

Why is trust important?If we don’t trust someone what can happen?How do we develop it?

Focuses on the “community” as a wholeDevelops responsibility and holds accountability to all partiesOffers a way to help repair relationships

Who uses Restorative Justice?

SchoolsJailsCommunities

Focus on the problem not the personBe Assertive

Everyone is someone’s villainIssues not positions Know your personality and what can set you offLearn how to be a better communicatorTell people how you feel

•Cohen, Steven P. “Focusing On Interests Rather Than Positions- Conflict Resolution Key.” Web.http://www.mediate.com/articles/tnsc.cfm•Fisher, Roger, and William Ury. “Getting to Yes: Negotiation Agreement without Giving In” New York: Penguin Books, 1981. Print. •“The Four Basic Styles of Communication.” Web. 20 Jan. 2016. https://www.uky.edu/hr/sites/www.uky.edu.hr/files/we

llness/images/Conf14_FourCommStyles.pdf.

•http://www.merriam-

webster.com/dictionary/communication

•https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeDhiMtUA2I&f

eature=youtu.be

•Ury, William. “Getting Past No: Negotiating Your

Way from Confrontation to Cooperation” New York:

Batnam Books. 1993. Print. •Venter, David Dr. “BATNA Explained.” Web. 2 Feb. 17. http://www.negotiationtraining.com.au/articles/next-best-option/•Woodward, Ellie. “How Taylor Swift Played the

Victim For A Decade and Made Her Entire Career.”

Web. 31, Jan. 2017. https://www.buzzfeed.com/elliewoodward/how-taylor-swift-played-the-victim-and-made-her-entire-caree?utm_term=.jiRYO4KNLg#.rn7onkzJdj