The Language of

Children Ena Shaw

Lilia Szarski

1

Different Worlds Venus, Mars other planets

Adult worlds versus the child’s world

• compromised by socialisation and their own parenting experiences

Different Language

• Environment

• Developmental stages

Different interpretations depending on the child’s age and experience

• Emotional responses

• Attachment

• Understanding of time

Language as metaphors

• Metaphors enable us to gain greater understanding of many issues

that arise.

• Thus, understanding children’s metaphors gives insights into the

child’s world, cognitions and emotions.

• Children express themselves many ways and not always verbally.

• They often lack the vocabulary to express emotions describing things

happening to them.

• Understanding children’s language and the many ways it is

communicated assists in accessing the child’s world and recognising

what it is that “frames” the reasons for the children’s response.

What is this child’s reality?

• Child’s language from a developmental lens

• What does the mother hear?

• What does the father hear?

• What is the reality?

• At what point do we take on board what is being said?

• The message versus the statement

• Lying versus reality

Example 1

Two boys aged eight and six are in shared care arrangements,

8 days per fortnight with their father and stepmother.

They are not positive about their care arrangements and do not have a

sense of belonging in their father’s household.

They reported to their mother and stepfather that their father and

stepmother “have a curtain across the dinner table in the middle”.

Both parents’ response was that “they (the children) lie”

• How have the parents interpreted the children’s comments?

• What were the children trying to convey?

• What are their fears?

• What do they want to achieve?

Developmental Lens

• Children’s lives are structured upon how they see their world.

• How do they make sense of it, when and what does a child

remember?

• What are their emotional ties, relationships and cognitive abilities

and how and why does this impact on what they say and how they

respond? Conflict around the interpretation of the child’s statement

• Separation

• Childcare

•Environmental

Child’s interpretation of the adult

world

• When asked questions by adults, young children assume

every question must be answered, even if it is not understood.

• Children assume every question has a right or wrong answer

(pre-adolescents).

• They assume that parents and adults know what happened.

• If the child is in doubt, they believe the adult version is correct.

• Children assume that they are not allowed to answer ‘I don’t

know” or to ask for clarification.

• Some children are speech ready, while others work through

drawing and play.

The Context of the Separation

Process for Children

Separation for children is a series of transitions

family reorganisations modifying their lives and developmental

context.

Adjustment is stressful

Reactions vary.

• loyalty conflicts,

• fantasies of reconciliation,

• anger,

• insecurity, (concerns about necessities such as food & shelter)

• alignment with one parent (more so with older children).

Parental interpretation

Adults tend to overestimate:

• abilities of their children,

• capacity to understand the adult world.

• assume that inwardly they are like little adults.

• talk sense

• behave themselves and

• to act appropriately, when they are not ready to do so.

Parental Interpretations

Conflict between the parents

Spousal relationship

Parental relationship

The professional Role

Role:

• understand the “views,” of the child

• child’s communication

• interpreting the words a child uses

• deals with the difficulty of ambiguity of the child’s voice

• deals with time pressures

• may have limited skills

• interpreting the child’s comments can present a level of anxiety.

The FDRP is unlikely to have an ongoing relationship with the client; hence the

need to quickly establish an understanding of the child's world, with openness

and curiosity, providing openings for conversations.

Contextual Interpretations

When is the child telling the truth?

Conflictual situations compound the child’s ability to differentiate

between fact and fantasy.

Children’s alliances are vulnerable to exploitation.

Context to consider

• Abused children

• events

• imagination

• the parent child relationship

Example 2

Middle child aged eleven overheard her parents have an

argument six weeks prior to the separation. In that argument the

father yelled at the mother “If you do not control that child then I

will leave.” The child then stated that she does not want to see

Dad because he hated her.

• How have the parents interpreted the child’s comments?

• What was the child trying to convey?

• What are her fears?

• What does she want to achieve?

Skills Interpreting the child’s voice

• open mind

• Look for themes

• Look for metaphors

• Do not be afraid to think outside the square

• Do not be judgemental or jump to conclusions to early

• Be aware of a child’s creativity

• Suspend belief of what you are hearing

• Clarify and confirm

• Messages from the parents

Supporting the parents

• Parental fears

• Understanding the child’s developmental

needs

• Age

• Stage

Example 3

Boy aged five, from a high conflict family.

The child started hiding under the bed when handover-time approached.

Both parents tried to coax him out, but as arguments escalated, each

parent accused the other of manipulating or influencing.

The parents reported that the boy became more withdrawn and robot-like

and became isolated at school, preoccupied with fights, and focused on

violent TV programmes that were beyond his level of comprehension.

• How have the parents interpreted the child’s comments?

• What was the child trying to convey?

• What are his fears?

• What does he want to achieve?

One size does not fit all

• We need to understand the adaptive

problems specific to a given client and

how the client attempts to solve them

• (Van Der Hart et al 2006:291)

Access to appropriate services Hearing the child’s voice can be done in a number of ways:

• Child focused work with parents

• Child inclusive practice

• Counselling,

• Therapy

• FDR

• Child enhanced practice,

• counselling,

• therapy

• FDR

All experts seek assistance through:

• Child consultant

• Child Psychologist

Example 4

A nine- year- old child says that he is a “ghost” in his mother’s house.

He told his father that his step-father had hit him. The father reported

this to DHS. As a response to a call from DHS the stepfather obtained

legal advice. The advice was “to have minimal contact with the child.”

The stepfather therefore did not initiate any conversation with the child

and did not engage in their usual activities.. The father then stated

there was further abuse because now the boy was being ostracised

by the step-father.

• How have the parents interpreted the child's comments?

• What is the child trying to convey?

• What is the child fearing?

• What does he want to achieve?

Child’s metaphor

• However, we need to be attuned to the

possibility of the child’s message being a

metaphor, rich in images and experiences

• The child’s world is full of metaphors as

they journey between the planets