Cartoon Courageous Conversations

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  • 1. Courageous Conversations
    • aka Difficult Conversations
  • David Richardson, Ph.D.
  • Ombudsman - Mediator

2. Courageous Conversations

  • Most people are more comfortable with old problems than new solutions

3. Courageous Conversations

  • are conscious exchanges that are real, meaningful and energizing
  • A face to face accountability session

4. Courageous Conversations

  • can take you to the heart of what's most important
  • can lighten your heart and your life
  • you can know more of your dreams with each conscious conversation you choose to have

5. What is a 'Courageous Conversation' (CC)?

    • Its the one you don't want to have. In fact, the best CC for you is probably the one youhaven't even thought of having
    • Take a minute now - what's the hardest conversation you can imagine having? And with whom? What is it you're holding back?
    • It's also a conversation that can transform your relationships, and set you free

6. OK - But Give Me Examples...

    • "I've hated you for leaving me"
    • "I'm angry at how you treat your children"
    • "I stole $2,000 from you 20 years ago"
    • "I'm in the country illegally, and would like to apply for legal residency"
    • "We've never said 'I love you' in our family, and I love you"
    • "Will you marry me?"
    • "I'm not enjoying our sex life"
    • "I had an affair five years ago"

7. OK - But Give Me Examples...

    • "I really gave you a hard time at school/that old job - and I'm sorry"
    • "I should have told you I have an STD before we had sex"
    • "I'm in love with you, and am scared of threatening your marriage, but more afraid of hearing you don't love me"
    • "I'd like to feel acknowledged for all the hard work I do"
    • "I know I abused you sexually, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart"
    • "I love you so much it scares me. And...I think your ears are really big and can't stop thinking about them"

8. How Do I Know I Need One?

    • Do you find yourself avoiding the important things you want to say to family and/or coworkers?
    • Are all your relationships great?
      • partner
      • family
      • boss and staff
      • patients, family members
    • If they are anything less than wonderful, chances are you have something 'withheld' - that once expressed could set you both free

9. Why Should I?

    • And the best clue of all:
      • You probably don't want to have the conversation,a sure sign that your system is avoiding something
        • you're afraid
          • of the outcome;
          • that you'll lose something or
          • feel VERY uncomfortable
        • it's been more than a year, maybe even TEN YEARS, and it still comes up in your mind every now and then, or now while you're reading this

10. Why Should I?

    • Shouldn't it be buried? Isn't the past just the past?
    • if it doesn't come to your mind when you sit down to think about it - then it may be unimportant.
    • "I'll just move on", or
    • "It's enough that I know about it", or
    • "It might upset them".
    • having the conversation in your head isn't having it. It's in the speaking it to them that transformation occurs for both of you.

11. What stops us

  • Afraid of the reality
  • Need to pay attention to true feelings
  • Prior attempts were unsuccessful
  • Could escalate the problem
  • Fear of rejection, feeling vulnerable
  • Loss of the relationship

12. What stops us

  • Fear of retaliation
  • The cure could be worse than the disease
  • Possible hurt feelings
  • I might discover I am part of the problem

13. But if you feel

  • any stored guilt,
  • any anger,
  • any sadness,
  • any love
  • anything that is unexpressed - then maybebetter out than in .

14. Behavior Signs

  • Acting out
  • Badmouthing others
  • Gossiping
  • Feeling depressed
  • Helplessness
  • Silence
  • Making serious errors

15. When others avoided CC

  • Multiple medical errors in health care
  • Challenger disaster
  • Air crash in Potomac river

16. The Effect On Others...

  • It's also amazing the effect it can have on the other person.
  • Your courage canripple out and change the world .

17. The Risks

  • No guarantee you or they will like the results.
    • the outcome may be even worse than you feared.
    • CC can lead to
    • You should do the math.

18. An easy Out

  • Its not my fault
  • I couldnt help it
  • Its no big deal
  • I had no choice
  • No one could work with
  • Shes an idiot
  • He is impossible

19. What If I dont

    • The problem could escalate
    • I might be rejected
    • I could lose the relationship
    • Retaliation
    • I might hurt his feelings
    • I might not be prepared for the outcome
      • Where have I seen these before?

20. Start with CPR to begin a CC

  • Content
  • Pattern of behavior
  • Relationship

21. Personal Preparation

  • 4 Rights
    • Right problem
    • Right words
    • Right delivery
    • Right frame of mind

22. Personal Preparation

  • See the person and the problem as separate
  • Respect and acknowledge something in the person
  • Off your guard
  • Speak but

23. Provide an emotional safe haven

  • In the absence of safety people cant discuss anything meaningful
    • Valued and respected
    • Verbals and non-verbals
    • Interests and plans
    • Fear of negative consequences

24. InquiryversusAdvocacy

  • Share your thinking
  • Test your assumptions
    • Invite the other to do also
  • Inquire into their views
  • Test their assumptions
  • Share your data

25. Courageous Dialogue

  • Name the issue
  • Select an example
  • Describe the feeling
  • Declare the stakes
  • On your own
  • Indicate your intent
  • Invite a response

26. Courageous Dialogue

  • Invite a response
  • Reflective listening
  • Follow through

27. Follow through

  • When all is said and done
  • When I move you move
  • Hold me
  • Sorry is not a 4 letter word

28. When an apology is right

  • Do I understand what hurt or offended
  • Can I own my part
  • Will I change
  • And this time I mean it
  • Is it me or do you feel better
  • no see what happened was

29. Common mistakes

  • So, hows it going
  • The sandwich cookie
  • Too many pillows
  • Writing the script
  • Guerilla warfare

30. Common mistakes

  • Doing most of the talking
  • Youre not Cal