Week 3 presentation

9/18/13

T E A M B U I L D I N G C L A S S 3

WORKING WITH OTHERS

EMPATHY

9/18/13

What does empathy look like?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8oJOQMvfZA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8oJOQMvfZA

Empathy

Definition:

Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.

Not sympathy. In sympathy there is not necessarily an attempt to understand.

In certain situations, all you can do is sympathise.

Why empathy?

Expands the scope of understanding for both parties

Makes it easier to come to a mutually beneficial decision

Creates a climate of trust.

Don't mess it up!(pitfalls of empathy)

Doesn't always run both ways.

Must have clear boundaries. Don't mistake empathy for emotional dependence, or manipulation. In yourself or others.

Requires that you check-in with the other person who may be unwilling or unable to share their experience.

You have to know where your ability stops, and respect that boundary.

What are not expressions of empathy

Platitudes

Always being 'nice'.

Saying “OMG that happened to me too. I know exactly how you feel.” (Do draw on that experience, but it's not a lookalike contest).

Becoming emotional in response to the other persons experience (though you might).

Trying to find a solution ( though you may have one).

Giving advice (though you may do that).

What is empathy?

Giving the person time to speak.

Waiting during a pause.

Asking for clarification if you need it.

Listening and trying to put yourself in that situation

Exercising your non-judgemental frame of reference

Remembering that not everyone does it your way

Cross-checking against institutional norms/regulations instead of using personal bias.

Listening and RespondingMisconceptions

"If I say it, the other person will understand."

Not necessarily. Meaning is ascribed by the receiver of a message, so saying it doesn't mean it will be understood. We need to check to see if the meaning of our message is understood as intended.


"The more communication, the better!"

If you are feeling misunderstood, talking too much and louder is a mistake. This can actually exacerbate a situation versus clarify it. Excessive talking won´t help. Try different ways of expressing yourself. Knowing when to remain silent is part of communicating effectively.


"Any problem can be solved at any time if we communicate with each other."

There are times when taking some time away from each other and the situation can be a better solution than trying to talk it out. Often high intensity emotions such as anger or sadness can blow an interaction out of proportion. A few moments of self-reflection and calm can help you gain perspective on the issue.


"Communication is a natural ability – some have it, some don’t."

Communication is not an innate ability. Skillful communication can be a learned with practice. There are some very simple tips that can dramatically increase how you understand others and are understood. Try them out and see for yourself if anything changes.

Communicating Effectively

Describe behaviors not personalities.

”Don’t be late to meetings it holds everything up"

versus

”You are always late and it holds everyone else up".


Describe your feelings: this is an important part of the message that often gets skipped even though the emotional content is directly coloring your message.

It’s also quite difficult. Do not use the ‘description’ of feeling as an opportunity to ‘vent’. Feeling something and unleashing on others are different things.

For instance, "I am worried that you’re going to miss that deadline.”

Not as difficult for other team member as:

“I’m having a serious anxiety problem right now, because I think this project is going to go over deadline – because of you.”


Maintain congruence between your verbal and non-verbal messages. Saying,

”This project is really important to the company.."

If you only book a 10 minute meeting, will most likely decrease trust and close communication down.

Non-verbal cues account for more than 60% of your message.

ALSO:

Put down that phone during meetings.


• It takes practice to become an effective communicator.

• When asked to lead a meeting ask your senior staffer to attend if possible and take notes on your approach and style.

• It might feel risky but each small risk will build your confidence and increase trust in those you work with.

Listening and Responding Tips

• Focus on what is being said – tune out distractions

• Look for non-verbal cues such as eye contact, facial expressions or body postures

• Listening is about the other, not you. Try to refrain from forming your response before you have even heard what the other is saying

Listening and Responding Tips

• Clarify and ask pointed questions to help you understand what is being said

• Paraphrase: restate in your own words, what the person says, feels and means

• Try to understand the message from the sender´s perspective: "So if I understand you..”

Listening and Responding(in class exercise)

Pick a partner & describe a situation in which you felt misunderstood.

Describer: Try to describe the situation using non-judgmental language, and then describe it again using judgmental language.

Which felt more accurate to you and why?

Listener: Try to listen with empathy and without judgment in both cases.

Did your opinion about the retold events change depending on which 'version' of the story you heard?

Relationships

Feedback

9/18/13

RELATIONSHIPSFEEDBACK

Feedback

Not long ago, a developer approached me for advice about a problem team member.

The developer reported that one team member was causing resentment, alienating other team members, and generally making life difficult for all.

No one wanted to work with him.

Feedback

"What is he doing to cause all this?" I asked. The answer surprised me. "He uses insulting language during work," the developer said. “Have you talked to him?” I asked. "Of course," my developer friend replied. "I talked about the importance of manners at our team meeting. And I talked about how we all had to be careful about the words we choose. "Two minutes later he called Sarah an idiot for forgetting to refill the coffee maker," he continued. The only thing I can think of is to start calling him names."

Feedback Tips

1. Be direct: If one person is causing the problem – don’t make it part of a group discussion.

2. Describe what you have seen and heard. Stick to the facts of what you have seen and heard. Describe behavior rather than applying a label. For example, "Yesterday in the office I heard you call Sara an idiot." rather than "Yesterday you were rude.

3. Give the other person an opportunity to take responsibility and amend behavior.

4. Listen to their side, and see how it impacts your understanding.

5. Come up with a course of action to address the issue.

6. Explain consequences of non-fulfillment

Feedback Tips

Some people advise using this formula to give feedback:

"When you do X, I feel Y."

But this construction implies that one person is the cause of another's feelings. No one else can make you have feelings.

To remove the implied cause and effect, you might say,

"Don't call Sarah an idiot, name-calling in the workplace is unacceptable."

Feedback Tips

Ask them to explain their side.

Even if the issue is clearly a situation in which your co-worker is in the wrong hearing their side of the story will help you understand the circumstance that brought about the issue.

It will also help the co-worker feel heard, and there might be a missing piece to the puzzle for example: He and Sarah were dating and just broke up – he would normally never call anyone a name. Maybe he needs to move to a new department for a brief while?

Knowing both sides will help you to make sure that you are handling the situation appropriately to the circumstance.

Feedback Tips

Make sure there are clear consequences

Explain (briefly) how the behavior you are talking about effects the workplace. Explaining the impact gives the feedback receiver information so they can choose what to do with your feedback.

If there's no impact, then a request seems arbitrary. The conversation could start with "When you call Sarah an idiot you create a harsh atmosphere and more importantly could be put up for a performance review.”

Feedback Tips

Ask for what you want.

If you have a specific change you'd like to see, make a request. You can make a request for behavior to stop, start, or change.

For example, "I want you to treat our co-workers with respect and stop calling people names. If that is not possible given the circumstance is there a way we can minimize your interaction with Sarah for a brief period of time?”

Feedback

So what happened with the mean heartbroken office worker?

I advised the developer to have a private conversation with the offending team member. "Explain to him that the workplace culture doesn't make use of insulting terms," I said. "He may come from an office with a much more casual and aggressive environment" The developer agreed reluctantly, and we worked out a little script. Here's what he decided to say to his mean colleague:

Feedback

"Joe,I want to tell you about something that you do that's a problem for the team." [Pause] "I've noticed that you tend to use insulting language for mundane issues." [Pause and wait for a response. This may be all you need to say.]

Feedback"We want the office to be a pleasant workspace for everyone, and respectful language is a must. So, will you be able to change your approach to communicating with your teammates when they drop the ball?" [Pause and wait for a response. This may do it.]

[If the co-worker is resistant]

"I understand that it is meant in jest, but it affects the office negatively, even as a joke. If you want we can set up a review and decide if your performance to date gives you leeway to behave in a manner that others do not appreciate?"

The next week, he reported back.

Feedback

"You'll never guess what happened," he said. ”turns out he and Sarah broke up a month ago and he’s been in a mood ever since”.

But it was really awkward," he continued.

"He was embarrassed but he was also grateful I told him. I guess I shouldn't have waited so long. He’s going to do a couple of days work at home, and go to Starbucks for his coffee until he gets over it."

Difficult conversations best practices:

Preparation: Consider practicing the conversation with someone you trust who is not directly involved in the situation. Ask them their advice on your delivery skills and message. This will help confirm your approach or give you ideas and areas for improvement.

• If possible, hold difficult conversations in person.

• Prior to and during the conversation create a safe environment to invite conversation.

• Don’t have the conversation in front of others who are not involved in the situation.

• Share the reason you are having the conversation and the issue that concerns you.

• Allow them an opportunity to give feedback to your concerns.

• Do not expect them to agree with you.

• If you are in a position of authority, decide on the outcome you want before the start of the conversation and do not

• Be prepared to change your mind if new information is presented.


• Use active listening skills to understand the other person’s point-of-view. Paraphrase / summarize the information they share to make sure you understand their message.

• Help each other problem solve to seek a compromise where appropriate. Win- win solutions help to build relationships.

• Identify and agree upon action steps and changes that need to be made. Put this in writing so that both parties have the information. When something is in writing there should be no misunderstandings.


Giving good feedback(In class Exercise)

Groups of 4.

One person draws a house.

The other three people pick a character

Nice but irrelevant

Not nice but relevant

Respectful and relevant.

Give feedback on the house in your 'character'. Think about the right thing to say, given the quality of information you need to convey.

Discuss how valuable the feedback received from each person was.

9/18/13

RELATIONSHIPSAPPRECIATION

Show AppreciationBe Grateful

When you show gratitude, your friends multiply. People have a basic need to feel appreciated. When you fulfill that need, you bring great joy and happiness with you. As a result, showing your appreciation to others draws them closer to you and, in turn, they’re more inclined to go out of their way for you.

NOTA BENE: Just dripping gratitude can be a turn off, you have to remember what people have done and come up with an appropriate response if it is above and beyond the job decription.

Show AppreciationBe Grateful

• Showing your gratitude brings you more success in both your personal and professional life.

• Your family ties are strengthened.

• Friends, co-workers, and business associates become very loyal.

• You will begin to notice the positive more, and the outcome will be a perceived reduction in the negative*.

• *This is often sadly misconstrued as an increase in the positive instead of a reframing of your perception of the whole.

9/18/13

RELATIONSHIPSTRUST

Trust

Definition:

Belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Can be internal “self-trust” also called efficacy

Or external trust in someone else.

TrustThree Constructs of Trust

Tway defines trust as, "the state of readiness for unguarded interaction with someone or something.” He calls trust a construct because it is "constructed" of these three components:

capacity for trusting

perception of competence

perception of intentions

TrustThree Constructs of Trust

The capacity for trusting means that your total life experiences have developed your current capacity and willingness to risk trusting others.

The perception of competence is made up of your perception of your ability and the ability of others with whom you work to perform competently at whatever is needed in your current situation.

The perception of intentions, as defined by Tway, is your perception that people are motivated by mutually-serving rather than self-serving motives.

Trust (Context-Oriented)

At home: Typically the people you share your home with are family, people you chose or children you made. In a functional home levels of trust are high.

At work: Unless you are the boss, you have less control over who you work with, so trust is 'instrumental'. It has currency like money, the more trustworthy you are, the more responsibility you can assume, the more power you can gain.

Role-dependent: How much you need to be trusted, or need to trust others depends on your role. Example: As a boss I need my staff to trust my judgment, so the level of responsibility is high. As a lowly junior graphic designer, my workplace klout is minimal, so if I screw up a job, it doesn't matter as much.

Health & Medicine

Week 3 presentation