Stinkin’ Thinkin’

Stinkin’ Thinkin’

How our thinking betrays us

Dave Jenkins, DMin, LMFTFamily Room Services


The common thinking errors are divided into three types; Avoidance of Responsibility, Self-Defeating Thoughts, and The Know-It-All. Read through each statement and mark the thinking error that you typically use. The way we think is habitual and does not change without great effort. Do not attempt to change all your thinking errors at once. Identify and address each one at a time.


To change, each error must be challenged for its validity. › What part of this is my issue?› How do I take responsibility?› How might others see this differently? › How am I setting myself up for failure?› Is my way the only way to see it? › How does this affect others?


After the thinking error is determined to be invalid or faulty, it must be replaced with understanding and gratitude. If we fail to replace the thinking error, we run the risk of it returning during a time of stress.

Type 1: Avoidance of Responsibility

It is ease for this person to blame others rather than acknowledge personal responsibility. They are often reactionary. Things HAPPEN everyone but this person does not understand it not what happens that matter, it is how they choose to respond that determine the outcome.


Angelic Thinking: This is a victim stance, in which the individual portrays himself as a wonderful person, incapable of breaking the rules or harming someone.

Blaming/Making Excuses: Putting your problem off on someone else. Saying things like " But - she made me mad” or “But - he was flirting with me". You hold other people responsible for your pain, or take the other tack and blame yourself for every problem or reversal.


Blaming Others: The individual blames the problem and his/her own behavior, on someone or something else.

Blaming the Victim: The individual blames the victim, as though he wasn’t at fault, and somehow the victim brought it on him/herself.


Change Error: In change error we strive to change the views of others; we blame, demand, withhold and trade to achieve the change in others we require. Usually the other person feels attacked and pushed around and probably does not change at all. We think we have to change others to achieve our happiness. For example, "You must get better results in your exams than I did when I was at school; I'll buy you a car if you do."


Control Error: We see ourselves as helpless and externally controlled, we remain stuck, unable to affect our own life or anything else in the world. We see evidence of human helplessness all around us. Something else is responsible for our pain, loss or failure. We find it difficult to find or work on solutions. For example, "I won't get financial stability or have a nice house until I find a rich man to marry."


Denial: The individual pretends it didn’t happen, and might even try to fool himself into thinking it didn’t happen. If he denies it ever happened, maybe it will go away. Saying "I didn't do it" or “It wasn’t me” when you know you did.

Dismissal: The individual disregards, ignores, or brushes aside what happened or other people’s feelings as though they don’t matter.


Fairness Error: In fairness error we tend to judge peoples actions by what we think is fair or not fair. We feel resentful when someone does not act towards us in a way that we think is fair. Their version of what is fair is probably different from our version of what is fair. For example, "If my husband really cared about how I felt, he would take on more responsibility for the house and the children."


I can’t stand it: This kind of thinking helps me to take action quickly. It helps me to believe that I have thought about things enough and it is time for action.

Innocence/Playing Dumb: The individual acts as though he didn’t know it was wrong or against the rules, or pretends he didn’t know better. Saying "I don't know" when you really do know and don't want to try. Not trying hard enough to find the answer.


Justification: The individual find reasons to explain the “correctness” of what he did, as though it was okay.

Labeling and Mislabeling: In labeling/mislabeling we call ourselves and other people by negative names for our/their supposed shortcomings. These are not based on the facts, but on only one or two negative incidents. Example "I'm an idiot", "She's a moron", "I'm stupid".


Minimization: The individual downplays the importance of what happened, or its meaning. Thinking like something is not a big deal when it really is. Using words like ONLY or JUST when talking about your behavior.


Personal Blame: In personalization and blame if something bad happens we assume it is our fault. We tend to blame ourselves solely for situations and events that we were not entirely responsible for. The opposite example is we take no personal responsibility; we blame other people and situations. Example “My relationship broke up so it must be my entire fault”, or “My relationship broke up so it must be all his/her fault.”


Poor Me: (Victim Stance) When you use this Thinking Error, you want people to feel sorry for you. You might do this when you are trying to not get consequences.

Rationalization: The individual finds reasons, explanations, and excuses for what he did.

Shifting the Focus: The individual tries to turn people’s minds and attention onto something else, and distract them from the real issue.


Smoke Screen: (Side Tracking) This Thinking Error is used when someone is trying to talk to you about something you don’t want to hear – so you change the subject.

Victim Stance: The individual feels as though he’s the victim of the whole world, and that he’s the one who’s been harmed.

Type 2: Self Defeating

For this type of person, they defeat themselves before they give others a fighting chance. They easily become anxious when things are not predictable or go the way they plan.


Avoidance: The individual avoids thinking about emotionally difficult subjects because they feel overwhelming or insurmountable.

Black and White Thinking (All or Nothing): In black and white thinking we tend to see things, ourselves and other people as being all wrong or all right, all good or all bad. We are a total success or we are a total failure. We are either completely 100% right or we are 100% wrong. For example, if we make one mistake we see ourselves as having failed.


Catastrophic Thinking: The individual magnifies the impact of negative experiences to extreme proportions. We automatically think the worst is going to happen, it will be awful and we will not be able to cope. For example, "My relationship broke up, so nobody will want a relationship with me again in the future." You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start “what ifs”: “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to you?”


Discounting the Positive: In discounting the positive we trivialize the positive things about ourselves and others saying that these positives do not count for much. For example your partner says you are good at something, but you say they are only saying it because they are your partner.


Emotional Reasoning: In emotional reasoning we let our feelings guide our interpretation of reality. We think that what we are feeling must be accurate, so if we feel we are a failure then we must be; if we feel we are ugly then we must be. We do not look for facts to support what we feel; we have a feeling and just accept it. If we feel we are weak, useless, stupid we just accept it. We may be so stressed that we have difficulty with our emotions and therefore conclude that our marriage is not working, when in fact it is our blunted emotions that are causing the problem. We reason from how we feel, I feel an idiot, so I must really be one. You believe that what you feel must be true—automatically. If you feel stupid and boring, then you must be stupid and boring.


Emotional Mis-reasoning: The individual draws an irrational and incorrect conclusion based on the way he feels at that moment.

Hopelessness: The individual assumes that nothing will ever work out, and that things will always go wrong.


Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. We filter out all the good things that life has an overly focus on negative parts of life. We pick on a single negative detail and dwell on it. We overly dwell on the negative and totally ignore the positives. We make predictions about what will happen to us in the future based on little information. For example, someone says we have done well, but we discount this because we say it was only said to be nice, it wasn't really meant; or 100 good reviews and one bad review and we focus on the single bad review.


Fortune Telling: We think that events will turn out bad without having any evidence to support this view. For example, I'll fail my exams, or I won't go for the job I want because I know I won't get it. The individual predicts failure in situations yet to happen because things have gone wrong before.


Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment.

Labeling: The individual labels himself or someone else negatively, way, which shapes the way he sees himself or that other person, often for simplistic reasons.


Magnifying or Minimizing (Binocular Vision): In magnifying/minimizing we blow things out of proportion. We make mountains out of molehills. We tend to minimize the strengths and qualities of ourselves and others and magnify and exaggerate the supposed weaknesses, mistakes and errors.


Over-Generalization: Something goes wrong in one situation, and the individual applies it to all situations. You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again. We make a mistake and we think we can never do things right. We make conclusions based on single events. For example "Everything I do turns out wrong."


Negative Focus: The individual focuses mainly on negative events, memories, or implications while ignoring more neutral or positive information about his self or the situation.

Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you’re a failure. There is no middle ground.


Over Responsible: We feel the opposite of the above, we feel responsible for everything, carrying the world on our shoulders, we are totally responsible for ours and others happiness. For example, "It's my fault that she hates her job, I'm not a very good boss."


Projection. The individual makes negative assumptions about the thoughts, intentions, or motives of another person, which are often “projections” of his own thoughts and feelings about the situation.


Personalization: The individual treats a negative event as a personal reflection or confirmation of his own worthlessness; thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to them. They feel as though the rules are applied only to him/her, instead of everyone, and that people and things are against him/her personally.


Unrealistic Comparisons: In unfair comparisons we compare ourselves to other people, work colleagues etc, and view them as being more successful, better at coping than we are, are happier than we are, and better at handling life than we are.


What ifs: In what if thinking, we keep asking what if something happens, and we are not satisfied by any of the answers we get. ". . . but what if I don't do the three point turn properly?" or "what if I mess up the emergency stop?", “what if the examiner is a tyrant?", "what if . . .

Type 3: Know-It-All

The know-it-all can be very insecure about him/her self and goes to great lengths to prove his/herself. These individuals have little empathy regarding how their behaviors affect others within their environment. They believe others should think like they do and if others do not something must be wrong with them.

Type 3: Know-It-All

Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness. In being right error we think we are correct in our thinking; we discount other evidence and the ideas of others. (This is about our thinking). For example, "I know I am right, so I won't read the leaflet about the other political party."

Type 3: Know-It-All

Egocentric Thinking: In egocentric thinking we think that it is important that we persuade others to think the same way we do. (This is about other people’s thinking) For example, "I must persuade him to want to vote the same as me if he is going to be my friend." Or "People must think the way I do."

Type 3: Know-It-All

Entitled: The individual feels as though he deserves good things, even if he doesn’t have to work for them.

Grandiose: The individual feels as though he’s better or more important than other people, or others should and do look up to him.

Type 3: Know-It-All

I Want It Now: Asking for something over and over again instead of waiting patiently.

Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

Type 3: Know-It-All

Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what’s fair but other people won’t agree with you. “That’s not fair.” This kind of thinking helps me think someone is trying to get over on me. It helps me think I need to do something to get even or get back at someone. The individual feels that life is just too hard, and somehow owes him more.

Type 3: Know-It-All

Heaven's Reward Thinking: In heaven's reward thinking we do the right thing to gain our reward, we sacrifice and slave imagining that we are collecting brownie points that we can cash in some day, making our decisions and actions around what others need, often ignoring our own needs. For example, "If I look after my own needs I am being selfish." You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score. You feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

Type 3: Know-It-All

Hindsight Thinking: In hindsight thinking we look back at decisions we made in the past and make judgments about the decision we made. We often think we should have handled things better, but hindsight thinking is always 20/20. Looking back with the benefit of hindsight we may now make a different decision with our current knowledge, however we made the decision at that time with the evidence, knowledge and experience we had at that time. For example, "When I left University I should have gone for a different type of job, all the work problems I've got now I wouldn't have if I had taken that job."

Type 3: Know-It-All

I don't care about you: (No Empathy) Not caring about other people. Only caring about self. Not caring about the things you do to other people and how it hurts them.

I'm Slick: Thinking you can get away with negative behavior and not get consequences. Many times this involves sneaky behavior and lies.

Type 3: Know-It-All

I'm Special: When an offender plays the “I'm Special” game, he thinks rules do not apply to him, or rules are not for him. He also thinks he should not get consequences for his behavior.

Intellectualization: The individual tries to use ideas and intellect to sidetrack issues and out-think the opposition, finding excuses and explanations.

Type 3: Know-It-All

I've Got A Secret: (na-na boo-boo) Keeping secrets because you think it is fun. Sometimes you might keep a secret because you want to be friends with that person. Making your victim keep a secret.

Jumping to Conclusions: In jumping to conclusions we tend to make a negative interpretation even though we don't have all the facts to support our view.

Type 3: Know-It-All

Mind Reading: The individual feels that others should know how he feels or what he wants even though he doesn’t tell them. Or we think we know what other people are thinking about us, for example, that they think we are stupid, incompetent, and may disapprove of us; we do not bother to check this out. For example, if a friend walks by on the other-side of the street we mind read and think I've offended her, so she must be ignoring me.

Type 3: Know-It-All

One-Ups-Man-Ship: The individual feels he has to do better than everyone else, and show everyone that he’s the best.

Revenge: The individual feels as though he’s been wronged and is allowed (or entitled) to get his revenge.

That’s Stupid: This kind of thinking helps me believe I’m smarter or more important than others. It helps me not listen to what others say.

Type 3: Know-It-All

Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate the rules. The individual feels life ought to be a certain way, or he should do something, or things must go the way he wants them to.

Stinking Thinking is designed to heighten your awareness of common thinking errors that keeps you emotionally stuck. One cannot change until he or she identifies the error of his/her way. What and how we think can set our self up for failure. The way we think is a learned behavior. We learn them from our family of origin, friends, past experiences, education, values, and current environment. When things are going well we look normal and all tend to think alike. Our stinking thinking tends to surface when we are anxious or stressed.

John Maxwell famously wrote, “When you change your thinking you

change your beliefs. When you change your beliefs you

change your expectations. When you change your expectations

you change your attitude. When you change your attitude you

change your behavior. When you change your behavior you

change your performance. When you change your performance,

you change your life!”

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Stinkin’ Thinkin’