Pre Deployment Marriage Class

CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM

PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING

Pre-Deployment Marriage SeminarCH(CPT) Keith J. Andrews

TF-Ram Chaplain29 NOV 07




TF-Ram Chaplain29 NOV 07



Purpose• To Open the Door to Communication

Between the Spouses• To Assist the Couples in Preparing

For Deployment• To Encourage Couples that Hardships

Can Be Overcome• To Provide Resources for Increasing

Marriage Survivability



References• The Emotional Cycle of Deployment: A Military Family Perspective: U.S. Army Medical Department Journal. Apr-Jun

2001by LTC Simon H. Pincus, USA, MC, COL Robert House, USAR, MC, LTC (P) Joseph Christenson, USA, MC, and CAPT Lawrence E. Adler, MC, USNR-R

• The 7 Stages of Marriage by Sarí Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D. http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage.• 50 Ways to Woo Your Lover. By Gregory J.P. Godek. http://www.rd.com/content/50-ways-to-woo-your-lover.• http://www.rand.org/pubs/monographs/2007/RAND_MG599.pdf Karney, B.R., & Crown. J.S. (2007). Families under

stress: An assessment of data, theory and research on marriage and divorce in the military. Santa Monica, CA: The RAND Corporation.

• RAND Study Finds Divorce Among Soldiers Has Not Spiked Higher Despite Stress Created By Battlefield Deployments http://www.rand.org/news/press/2007/04/12/index3.html

• Military Service and Marriage: A Review of ResearchNational Healthy Marriage Resource Center. http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/docs/review_mmilitarylife.pdf

• One Day Redeployment Marriage Workshop. CH(CPT) Keith J. Andrews, 1-101 AVN. 2006.• Strengthening Marriages. 501st Special Troops Battalion,101st Airborne Division. CH(MAJ) Matthew Wysocki.• Improving Communication. PowerPoint Presentation. • Anger Management: A Solution Focused Approach. PowerPoint Presentation.• Speaking the Same Language: excerpts from The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Love Is A Dance; Pre-

Deployment Marriage Seminar Presented to Families at Ft. Campbell, KY. 2005.• Rainey, Dennis (Editor). Preparing for Marriage:The Complete Guide To Help You Discover God’s Plan For A

Lifetime Of Love. Gospel Light, Venturea, California. 1997.• Strong Bonds: For the 101st Airborne Division and their loved ones. Copyright © PREP Educational Products, Inc.

2007.• PREP: The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program. Copyright © PREP Educational Products, Inc. 1997• The Marriage Doctor(TM) Is In! Seven Stages of Marriage Interview Videos with co- author Dr. Rita DeMaria.

http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage/ *Used quotes of Dr. Rita DeMaria,during the presentation of the Seven Stages.

• Marriage Today: What 1,001 Couples Report . http://www.rd.com/content/marriage-today-what-1001-couples-report/

• Chapman, Gary. The Five Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing, Chicago, Illinois. 1995.

http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage

http://www.rd.com/content/50-ways-to-woo-your-lover

http://www.rand.org/pubs/monographs/2007/RAND_MG599.pdf

http://www.rand.org/news/press/2007/04/12/index3.html

http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/docs/review_mmilitarylife.pdf

http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage/

http://www.rd.com/content/marriage-today-what-1001-couples-report/



Overview

• Seven Stages of Marriage• Deployment• Communication• Creating Intimacy• Recommended Resources



Seven Stages of Marriage

Based on the book:The 7 Stages of MarriageLaughter, Intimacy and Passion: Today, Tomorrow, Forever. By Sarí Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D. Reader’s Digest. 2007. and http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage





STAGE 1: PASSION

“Romance and Falling in Love”*



STAGE 2: REALIZATION

“Facing Everyday Reality of What it Means to be

Living Together”*



STAGE 3: REBELLION

“The Couple Begins to Ask Themselves; How much conflict are we having?

How is the conflict resolving? Is my general mood toward my partner one

of feeling good or one of frustration?”*



STAGE 4: COOPERATION

“Understanding that Marriage is a team effort”



STAGE 5: REUNION

“Focus returns back to the marriage.”*



STAGE 6: EXPLOSION

“Something Big is Happening”*



STAGE 7: COMPLETION

Trust, Fun, Passion, Blessing, Meaning,

and Purpose into your Marriage.



The Seven Stages of MarriageSTAGE 1: PASSIONSTAGE 2: REALIZATIONSTAGE 3: REBELLIONSTAGE 4: COOPERATIONSTAGE 5: REUNIONSTAGE 6: EXPLOSIONSTAGE 7: COMPLETION





The Seven Stages of MarriageSTAGE 1: PASSIONSTAGE 2: REALIZATIONSTAGE 3: REBELLIONSTAGE 4: COOPERATIONSTAGE 5: REUNIONSTAGE 6: EXPLOSIONSTAGE 7: COMPLETION



Deployment



The Emotional Cycle of Deployment:

A Military Family Perspective

Adapted from Article Published in the Apr-Jun 2001 edition of U.S. Army Medical Department Journal.Time Adjusted from Six Month Model to 15 Month Model



Pre-DeploymentTime frame: months prior to departure

Anticipation of loss vs denial Train-up/long hours away Getting affairs in order Mental/physical distance Arguments



DeploymentTime frame: first month

Mixed emotions/relief Disoriented/overwhelmed Numb, sad, alone Sleep difficulty Security issues



Sustainment Time frame: months 2 thru 12

New routines established New sources of support Feel more in control Independence Confidence ("I can do this")



Re-DeploymentTime frame: months 12 thru 15

Anticipation of homecoming Excitement Apprehension Burst of energy/"nesting" Difficulty making decisions



Post-DeploymentTime frame: 3 to 6 months after deployment

Honeymoon period Loss of independence Need for "own" space Renegotiating routines Reintegrating into family



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Communication



Authentic Communication

from Preparing for Marriage. P140

Authentic Communication is much more than just talking.



Speaker/Listener Technique• Rules for Speaker

– Speak for yourself, don’t mind read– Keep statements brief, don’t go on and on– Stop to let others paraphrase

• Rules for the Listener– Paraphrase what you hear– Focus on speaker’s message. Don’t rebut

• Rules for Both– Speaker has the floor, keeps until

understood– Share the Floor



Time Out



Not a good time...We can bring up issues at any time, but the “listener” can say “this is not a good time.”

If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future.



Fun, Friendship, Sensuality, & Spirituality

Make time for the great things:• fun• friendship • sensuality• Spirituality

Agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.



Creating Intimacy



Speaking the Same Language

excerpts from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman



•WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

•QUALITY TIME

•RECEIVING GIFTS

•ACTS OF SERVICE

•PHYSICAL TOUCH

The Five Love Languages



Discovering Your Primary Love Language

Basic questions to ask:• What do you request the most? • What makes you feel the most loved?• What hurts you deeply? • What do you desire most of all?



Love Language #1:Words Of Affirmation

Compliments, words of encouragement, and requests rather than demands all affirm the self worth of your spouse.



If your spouse’s love language is Acts of Service:

1. Make al list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past few weeks and do one as an expression of love.

2. Choose to do one act of service that your spouse has nagged about consistently.

3. Periodically ask your spouse, “If I could do one special act of service this week, what would you request?” If possible, do it.



If your spouse’s love language is Words of Affirmation:

1. Remind yourself with 3x5 card by phone or computer that says “Words are Important! Words are Important! Words are Important!”

2. Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for a month.

3. Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your spouse.

4. Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths.



Love Language #2:Quality Time

Spending quality time together through sharing, listening, and participating in joint meaningful activities communicates that we truly care for and enjoy each other.



If your spouse’s love language is Quality Time:

1. Ask your spouse for a list of five activities that she would enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each month for the first months after your reunion.

2. Make time at least 3-4 times per week to share with each other some of the events (within OPSEC guidelines) of since the last call.

3. Have a “Let’s review our history” evening once a month. Set aside a call each month to focus on your history.



Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

Gifts are visual symbols of love, they demonstrate that you care, and they represent the value of the relationship.



If your spouse’s love language is Receiving Gifts:

1. Give your spouse a gift every day for one week. It need not be a special week, just any week.

2. Make a gift for your spouse. 3. Give your spouse a book and agree to read it yourself.



Love Language #4:Acts of Service

Acts of service should be freely given and received, and completed as requested.



Love Language #5:Physical Touch

Physical touch, as a gesture of love, reaches to the depths of our being. As a love language, it is a powerful form of communication from the smallest touch on the shoulder to the most passionate kiss.



If your spouse’s love language is Physical Touch:

1. As you walk from the car to the shopping mall, reach out and hold your spouse’s hand.

2. While your spouse is seated, walk up behind her and initiate a shoulder massage.

3. Initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage. 4. When family or friends are visiting, touch your spouse in

their presence.



What do I need to Hear in Iraq or at Home?



Recommended Resources



You can get help and support!

For the SoldierFor the Soldier• Battle Buddy• Other soldiers• Friends• Other family

members • Chaplains• Chain of command• Counseling Services

For the SpouseFor the Spouse• Other family

members • Friends• FRG• Rear D• Chaplains• Church community• Counseling services



Online Resources• Military One Source

– www.militaryonesource.com• My Army Life Too

– http://www.myarmylifetoo.com• Army vFRG

– https://www.armyfrg.org• Readers Digest: 7 Stages of Marriage

– http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage/• Family Life

– http://www.familylife.com/• LovingYou.com

– http://www.lovingyou.com/

http://www.militaryonesource.com/

http://www.myarmylifetoo.com/

https://www.armyfrg.org/



http://www.familylife.com/



http://www.lovingyou.com/





Helping Children Cope With Deployment

Online Resource withParent/Child Video

Parents Video

http://www.sesameworkshop.org/tlc/

Parents




TF-Ram Chaplainwww.chaplainandrews.com

Health & Medicine

Pre Deployment Marriage Class