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Communicating with Kids when a Parent has Cancer

Grant Kate’s Wish

Why We are Here

Grant Kate’s Wish Foundation

• Provides funding for the delivery of front line, time of diagnosis, face to face educational services for parents who have received a cancer diagnosis, free of charge.

Why You are Here

• A trusted advisor understands the connection between emotional and physical well-being

• Recognize and refer families in need

What a Family May Experience

• Children’s issues

• Teens’ issues

• Family concerns

• Resources

Kids Deserve the Truth

• Use the word “cancer”

• Keep it simple and age appropriate

• Tell them what to expect

Different Ages…Different Questions

Small Children with Big Questions

• Did I cause this to happen?

• Will I catch it?

• What is going to happen to me now?

Did I cause this to happen?

• Children have magical thinking.

• They can control the world

• Believing they caused it, means they can fix it.

Will I catch it?

• Can I still hug and kiss you?

• Will the other parent get it too?

What is going to happen to me now?

• Who will take care of me?

• Who can I trust?

• Why won’t you be home with me?

Elementary

• Is it contagious?

• Who will take me to soccer practice?

• Will you die?

Is it contagious?

• Experience is with colds and strep throat

• Simple, concrete explanations

Who will take care of me now?

• Rules and routines are important

• Outside schedules are part of their expanding world

Will you die?

• Understand that death can be permanent

• Are really asking about their own security

• Need a short term answer focusing on the immediate worry

Teens

• Give me more details

• What does this mean to my life?

• Can I still be a with my friends?

Give me more details

• Understand the facts and uncertainties

• Think with emotions

• Have access to the internet

What does this mean to my life?

• Am I allowed to have fun?

• How can I help?

• Want to be normal – a parent with cancer makes them different

“Will you tell me?”

• I probably won’t ask you.

• I don’t want to make you feel sad.

• I don’t want to be sad either.

• I can’t absorb too much at once.

• Check in with me from time to time.

All children need to know..

• Parents and doctors are capable of making the decisions.

• Adults are in charge and are doing everything possible to make life better

• They can’t control this. They can still control other things in their life.

All children want to know what will stay the same…

• “I can still read with you before bed, but we will all cuddle together in the big bed, not in your bed.”

• “You and daddy can still play games together, but not soccer or basketball, we can find some indoor games.”

Kids are resilient

When they know they are loved, cared for and listened to…..

What you can do

Grant Kate’s Wish

• http://grantkateswish.org/

• Virginia Piper Cancer Institute

• Parenting Educators

Resources

Kate’s Wish Foundation www.grantkateswish.org

Intentional Parenting Center: 952-767-5009 www.intentionalparentingcenter.com

Pact Program, Massachusetts General Hospital, “A Dozen Lessons Learned” www.mghpact.org/parents

Virginia Piper Cancer Institute www.allinahealth.org/ahs/anw.nsf/page/vpci pact

Resources

Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child When a Parent is Sick, by Paula Rauch and Anna Muriel, a Harvard Medical Book.

Someone I Love is Sick, Kathleen McCue

When a Parent has Cancer, A guide for caring for your children, Wendy Schlessel Harpham, MD

Caring Bridge.org: an online space to connect, share news and receive support.