EMPATHIC

PARENTING A Skills-Building Workshop

Part One © 2014 Natasha Ufema, LPC , Family First Counseling Services

EMPATHIC PARENTING

All mammals are social

animals (including humans).

EMPATHIC PARENTING

All mammals rely on each other to get their basic needs met. Wolves

hunt in packs. . .

EMPATHIC PARENTING

Kittens and puppies rely on their mothers for protection and

nourishment.

EMPATHIC PARENTING Reptiles (lizards) and amphibians (frogs) are

lower on the food chain because they are solitary creatures. Mammals have flourished

because there is safety in numbers.

EMPATHIC PARENTING

You’re wondering what this science lesson has to do with

being an effective parent.

EMPATHIC PARENTING Because Mammals (including humans) depend on

others for safety and nourishment, we have developed ways of communicating these needs to

our caregivers. Our “significant others”.

EMPATHIC PARENTING

A baby elephant trapped in a pool of mud will trumpet for hours until

his mother finds him.

EMPATHIC PARENTING

When a human mother hears the cries of her baby, her breast milk will “let down”

(become immediately available).

EMPATHIC PARENTING Without EMPATHY (“feeling” the needs of our

offspring), Mammals would have never become the most prolific species on earth.

WHAT IS EMPATHY? You may already have your own definition of empathy. Lots of people confuse empathy with SYMPATHY. They are not the same

things.

WHAT IS EMPATHY? The elephant mother AND the human mother - hearing the desperate cries of their babies -

are reacting in “empathetic” and not “sympathetic” ways.

WHAT IS EMPATHY?

SYMPATHY = Feeling bad for someone’s unfortunate

plight.

EMPATHY = Truly understanding how the other

person is feeling.

WHAT IS EMPATHY?

Think about a traumatic event in your life. Perhaps you:

• lost a loved one

• were diagnosed with cancer

• survived an abusive relationship

WHAT IS EMPATHY?

When you came into contact with someone

else who experienced the same tragedy, did

you feel sorry for their problem or did you

actually “feel” how that might feel for them?

This is empathy.

WHAT IS EMPATHY? Likewise, when you come into contact with

someone who has had a happy experience (a mother witnessing her child’s first steps or your baby-sitter graduating from high-school), you’re better able to identify with that person’s feelings

because you’ve had them yourself.

This is empathy. You feel the connection.

WHAT IS EMPATHY?

You don’t necessarily have had to experience the same thing as the other person in order

to have empathy. The most important thing is to try your best to imagine the other person’s perspective. Imagine what it would be like to

“walk in their shoes”, as the saying goes.

WHAT IS EMPATHY?

WHAT IS EMPATHY?

It means STEPPING AWAY from

ourselves and STEPPING TOWARD

another person.

WHAT IS EMPATHY?

It means putting the other person first,

and truly listening if only for a short

time. This “short time” can be very

powerful.

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN Carl Rogers is the “father” of what we

call Person-Centered Therapy. He

believes that we all have the ability to

heal ourselves if we are provided a

supportive, non-judgmental, and

empathic environment.

“Listening” is the most important

technique he uses.

But not the type of “listening” most of

us are accustomed to.

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN Rogers is emphasizing the importance

of learning how to listen

“empathically”.

Empathic listening doesn’t mean

responding with “Uh-huh”.

Empathic listening doesn’t mean that

we’re creating our own response (in

our heads) while the other person is

talking.

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

Native American Indians used what they called a

“Talking Stick”. The person holding the stick says his

piece (while others listen and don’t interrupt) and then

the stick is passed along.

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN Too often, we as parents think our kids “don’t

listen”, when in reality, we are the ones not

listening.

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN Over 60% of our communication with others

is accomplished through the use of body

language.

- Posture,

- Eye Contact

- Facial Expression

Would you say the father below is engaged

or disengaged with his son?

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN Kids have developed very creative ways to

let us know when we’re NOT listening.

Some of these may sound very familiar:

• A four year-old only “needs you” when

you’re on the telephone,

• You discover your pre-teen is not at the

location they promised to be,

• You find candy or loose change hidden

beneath your eight year-olds’ mattress.

The symptoms are the same. The cause is

NOT LISTENING.

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

DOG BITES

What the heck do dog bites have to

do with listening skills?!

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN DOG BITES happen

because we weren’t

listening.

Just like kids, dogs communicate

their discomfort in many ways. If

we are not tuned into these

messages, they will turn the

message “up a notch” until we

“hear” it.

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

DOG BEHAVIOR: The “whale eye”.

Communicates, I’m tolerating this but I

don’t like it much.

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

CHILD BEHAVIOR: “Checking Out”

communicates, I’m tolerating this but I

don’t like it much. (Notice the body

language of both mother and daughter.)

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

DOG BEHAVIOR: “Ears back and

Tail Down”. Communicates, I’m

getting close to acting out to

communicate my fear, dislike, or

anxiety.

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

CHILD BEHAVIOR: “Digging Heels

In” communicates that you’re making

additional demands when I’m already

agitated – how do you think this is

going to end?

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

DOG BEHAVIOR: Growls or Snaps.

Communicates, “I’ve had it. This is

my last warning.”

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

CHILD BEHAVIOR: (Similar to the

Dog) Growls or Snaps.

Communicates, “I’ve had it. This is

my last warning.”

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

DOG BEHAVIOR: The Bite.

Communicates, “You haven’t listened

to what I’ve been trying to tell you, so

I’ll do this to get your attention.”

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

CHILD BEHAVIOR: Emotional

Meltdown. Hitting, biting, kicking,

spitting, throwing things, hurting himself.

Communicates, “You haven’t listened to

what I’ve been trying to tell you, so I’ll

do this to get your attention.”

LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

Truly “listening” to what our kids –

and our dogs – are trying to

communicate can eliminate the

need for them to use more

destructive behaviors to get our

attention.

In the next section, we’ll learn how to

do just that.