Strategies for Dealing with Difficult Conversations and Negotiations “One of the greatest arts in life is learning how to disagree without being disagreeable”.Power of a Positive NO, William Ury

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Key Message

Having the ability to successfully engage in difficult conversations with clients, boards, bosses and staff is an important skill to successfully manage relationships and results.

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Types of Difficult Conversations

Disagreeing when the stakes are high

Dealing with rude and disrespectful behaviour

Saying “No” Delivering difficult news

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When do we need to Engage?

To determine if you need to have a difficult conversation ask yourself; what is at STAKE here?

What happens if you don’t have the conversation?

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Ineffective Ways to Manage Difficult Conversations

Avoid

Back Down

Combat

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Preparation is Key

Before anything else, preparation is the key to success~Alexander Graham Bell~

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Framework for Success

Prepare to Talk Prepare and Deliver an ABC Message Stop Talking and Start Listening Stay Cool Respond not Defend

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Prepare: Identify the Real Problem

What are the facts? What is the other person doing or saying that is causing a problem?

What is the effect/result of their action/inaction on you or others?

Remember your beliefs, assumptions and judgments about the situation are not facts!

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Prepare: Clarify your GoalWhat are you hoping to achieve in

having this difficult conversation?

Is it doable?

Is it within your control?

Is it productive?

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Prepare: Plan AheadFollow the Scout Motto: Be Prepared

Anticipate their reaction so you don’t get hooked

Know your back-up plan if you do not get cooperation or the conversation goes sour

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Prepare Your ABC Message

Accurate

Brief

Clear

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Brief

Decide what is most important and leave it at that-no dredging up ancient history

Avoid lengthy explanations Less is more

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Clear Get straight to the heart of the matter No hints or innuendo-give diplomacy a rest

Avoid blaming others

Avoid the feedback “sandwich”

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Deliver your ABC MessageDeliver your ABC Message

Be Calm Be Confident Be Neutral

This is about giving people the “straight goods” in a respectful and non-judgmental way

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Stop Talking Start Listening Turn the conversation over to the other

person and then Embrace Silence

The moments following the delivery of your message are the most difficult. Be prepared for the discomfort.

Give the other person the space to respond

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Listen Up! Listening is more than not talking. It is about

being present and curious

Listen with thoughtful attention to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling. What are their concerns?

Resist the temptation to…interrupt

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Acknowledge the Other

Even if you don’t agree with what the other person is saying, you can acknowledge:

their perspective by conveying your understanding of what you hear their feelings by showing empathy or understanding

Acknowledgement is about Respect18

Why Bother? The key to having them “hear” your

message is having he confidence to listen to them speak without interruption

Everyone what to be heard and understood

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Stay Cool! Be prepared for a strong emotional

reaction or “push back”

Give them the space to have their

reaction Have your plan to stay calm, cool and

confident

Remember it is not personal20

Respond Not Defend

Pause before responding

Resist the temptation to respond in kind, back down, or become defensive

Be Calm. Be Concise. Be Confident.

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Wrap it Up

Re-state your message

Clarify misinformation/misunderstandings

Reiterate expectations and boundaries

Clarify what you have agreed to

Be Calm. Be Concise. Be Confident.

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Going forward…

Deal with issues as they arise Prepare for all of your difficult

conversations

If someone comes at you listen, question, acknowledge and then take some time…

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Resources Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What

Matters Most, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Shelia Heen, (Penguin Books, 2000)

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen R. Covey (Free Press, 1989, 2004)

Beyond Reason, Using Emotions as You Negotiate by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro, (Viking Penguin 2005)

Mistakes were Made (but not by me), by Carol Tarvis and Elliot Aronson, (Harcourt Inc., 2007)

Dialogue and the art of thinking together by William Issacs (Doubleday 1999)

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Resources Continued Fierce Conversations, Achieving Success, at Work &

in Life, One Conversation at a Time, by Susan Scott, (Berkley Books, 2002)

Taking the War out of Our Words: by Sharon Strand Ellison (Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing, 1998-2009)

Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when the stakes are high, by Patterson et al, (McGraw- Hill 2002)

First Break All the Rules: by Buckingham & Coffman (Simon & Schuster Inc.,1999)

It’s all Your Fault: 12 Tips for Managing People who Blame Others for Everything, by Bill Eddy (HCI Press, 2009)

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