Parental experiences of children’s sexual abuse

disclosuresRosaleen McElvaney

Dublin City University

Maternal/Parental support as mediator

Everson et al. (1989) support of non offending mothers in incest cases. Lack of support associated with foster placement and higher psychopathology

Gries et al. (2000) sample of children in foster care. Full support associated with lower levels of depression

Review of literature – (Elliott & Carnes, 2001) Most mothers supportive, some disbelieving Some of those supportive exhibit inconsistent and ambivalent responses Both parents experience significant distress Parental support associated with adjustment of children (also Swantston et

al., 2003) Some studies suggest that interventions with both parents and children

lead to better adjustment in both Young people’s level of satisfaction with support they receive is

important: reported less depression, better self-esteem (Rosenthal et al., 2003)

Impact on parents

Serious psychological symptoms in mothers following disclosure (Newberger et al., 1993)

Secondary traumatisation (Manion et al. 1996) 93 parents (63 mothers and 30 fathers) Mothers experienced greater overall emotional distress,

poorer family functioning, lower satisfaction in parenting role Fathers also greater overall emotional distress but better than

mothers Mothers’ satisfaction with parenting role and perceived level

of environment support predicted emotional functioning Reporting costs (Massat & Lundy, 1998) – relational,

financial, vocational and residential

Parents’ own history

Impact of experiences of abuse on ability to parent (Baker, 2001 )

Clinical experience – overprotective, underprotective

Peer support programmes (Alaggia et al., 1999)

Negative reactions to disclosure

Abuse by non-family members (n=30) Hershkowitz et al. (2007) Fewer than half first disclosed to parents Over 40% told following questioning 50% felt ashamed or afraid of parents’ responses –

parents did tend to blame child or be angry Strong correlation between expected and actual reactions

Relationship between maternal response – conveys protection and support – and improved mental health and social functioning. Non-abusive caregivers feeling marginalised by child protection system (Lovett, 2004)

Impact on child before disclosure

Schonbrucher et al. (2012) - main motivations for not wanting to tell parents was lack of trust and not wanting to burden parents

McElvaney et al. (2014) – concern for

parents inhibited disclosure

Part of larger grounded theory study involving children, parents and adults who experienced childhood sexual abuse

14 parents (of children aged 3 to 18) 3 couples (mother and father) 1 father 7 mothers

Sample

Abuse experiences

First abusive experience Ranged from once off incident, to a few

occasions to experiences over months and over years

Type of abuse Ranged from kissing (adult kissing child) to

sexual fondling to attempted penetrative abuse, digital penetrative, anal/vaginal penetrative abuse, oral abuse (cunnilingus & fellatio)

Abuse: intrafamilial and extrafamilial

All male

Intrafamilial – brother, cousin, brother-in-law, sister’s partner, non-resident father, mother’s partner, grandparent

Extrafamilial – neighbour, local

teenager, caretaker

Supportive parents

I knew my Mam and Dad was there for me for everything an I could turn around and tell them anything I needed to tell them but it is very hard to turn around and tell your Mam and Dad cos the two people you know that it’s gonna hurt most like cos they’re the two people that love you most so I don’t know I found it very hard now to tell me Mam and Dad I don’t know about other people (Maire, 16)

M: I think what I done wrong was I would have always told (daughter) just tell me everything and she did and I think when it happened to her and she didn’t tell me the first time she felt she couldn’t tell me cos she hadn’t told me

R: It made it more difficult when she hadn’t told immediately

M: and it made it more difficult it made it more difficult for her to tell (Mother of Maire, 16)

Believing Asking questions Containing the secret Family conflict Breaking the cycle of abuse

Thematic analysis

Instinctive response – believing Instinctive response – this can’t be true Doubts Alliances When others don’t believe – extended

family, communities, gardai and state prosecution

Believing

It’s unbelievable…

Father didn’t believe it at first “it wasn’t kindof hitting home at all …couldn’t comprehend what I was after hearing” (Father of Maire, 16).

I don’t know how to tell you this he said it’s the worst thing that’s ever going to happen to you … and it kinda went over my head I kindof …I continued on and came in and she was sitting there I just put my arms around her and said ‘are you ok?’ I just started to open the case and showed her what I bought her (Mother of Maire, 16)

He said to me ‘em Mammy (alleged abuser) touched my bum’ and I was a bit I was a bit embarrassed at first. He just said it out and there was a busload of people and then I kinda just went .. ‘what are you saying things like that for’, you know? ..I just said ‘well maybe it was an accident when he was going to look for you’. Like I was presuming this game what he was describing like hide and seek …I just kinda I put it down to an innocent thing that a child would do.

Not wanting to believe…(mother, Seamus, 8)

At the time so I was placing my head that it was a ten year old that did this and that maybe it was an innocent thing as in he was behind a door or under a bed or something and he grabbed him and he put his hand on his bum and he made C15 feel uncomfortable and that was why he told me.

When her son told her the next day about a second incident: First of all I was like I couldn’t believe like .. I was freaking it in my head I was going ballistic but I was like right I got him to say it again because I couldn’t believe the first time .

Slowly coming to realise…

She described telling her husband: “I had to tell (father) ten times before it registered”

And of course, people do not believe: “the father (of the alleged abuser) actually collared me one day and said children are always lying like at that age”

Others not believing…

Being able to hear

Noticing changes – or not

Acting on information

Asking child directly

Asking questions…

something serious as that you can’t brush it aside like that so I sat down and listened to him as a father like you know and em (wife) was listening alright but at times she was saying I don’t want to hear anymore I don’t want to hear anymore you know and I was kinda of getting annoyed as well like you know because with me it was up to the two of us to deal with it (Father of Liam, 14)

with me it was the end of the world the whole world has caved in on me … it was the worst thing that ever happened and it killed me really really ate me up ..it woulda been better a death …for the first 8 months I thought this was the worst thing that ever happened nothing worse could ever happen now (Father of Maire, 16)

Being able to hear…

I know from her school that her behaviour had changed a bit and her work (Mother of Aine, 17)

..and her behaviour was just like gone off the wall altogether …be home at a certain time total disregard for that and hanging around with people that she hadn’t hung around with before they were fine but they weren’t you know they weren’t really her kinda people I felt they were there was a lot of despair around them and you know em and negativity and yeah a lot of that she was kindof associating with that you know and taking on a certain amount of their ways of thinking and their behaviour and you know all that kind of stuff that was as bad as it’s ever been between (Mother of Blathnaid, 17) …

Noticing changes…

various things had been happening up to then but we didn’t .. because she was starting she was just coming into teenage years …and we just thought went along with teenage the changes and that but afterwards when we looked back there was a lot of signs we just just thought it was part of teenage you know because there was bits and pieces started to happen in the school (Mother of Aine, 17)

but funny if I was to think back what(he) was like after around that time like (he) used to spend a lot of time in his room on his own we used to be very concerned about it and his Da used to say well he just likes his own space you know he plays with his (M0ther of Sean, 16)

Putting it down to ‘being a teenager’

Noticing changes..or not

I kept going up to babysit .. I’d be sitting at home me Da’d be real like I thought you had something to do like and I’d be there aw I changed me mind and then he’d be saying aw you could’ve babysat for (sister) and I’d be like aw I’m just fed up an I think they kindof copped on after a while you know that it was getting a bit strange so I couldn’t keep that up for a long time obviously because I didn’t want them getting suspicious either but at the same time me friends couldn’t understand why I kept going up (Dympna, 16)

they were actually in the bedroom so called playing in the bedroom and me and (wife) were actually in the kitchen.. And we were having a cuppa tea ..and I just turned around and says look they’re gone very quiet down in that room so I went down to the room and I opened up the door and when I opened the door I got your man pulling up his zip and I said it straight away something’s after happening so with that I called (child) out of the room asked (child) what happened and he says don’t ask me ..the minute I brought (child) actually into the bathroom and asked C11 what actually happened (child) came out and said … (Mother of Liam, 14)

Noticing…

me Ma was just like trying to get more information out of me but I wouldn’t give it to her …Coz she just knew by..me.. the way I was acting that there was something wrong…I was real quiet and aw like I felt real depressed and me Ma knows when I feel depressed coz I dunno what it is probably a vibe she gets off me (Rianach, 15)

when we took her home from the hospital and then it all started coming out she told me the whole lot ..so she came home...I .never.. I didn’t even suspect anything had gone on with her… but she kept distant from me.. and I thought it was all because she wanted to spend all day with her friend.. in town, so I was after getting (child) on the phone and I said look … I dunno what’s wrong so she said Ma I’ll be home so she came home and she told me (Mother of Rianach, 15)

I had seen a change in even a few months before this happened that suddenly it was like you know when the phone rang she was heading off with the phone … there was a lot more hiding you know and that was very new in our house … that was strange and I was …what is she doing what is she getting up to that she can’t be open about it anymore …I knew she was drinking I wasn’t happy about it but I knew she was doing it and we had kinda come we had come to an arrangement that she’d kinda abuse from time to time …she was having people around all of the time so that you know we weren’t getting any time like to chat em it was constantly you know a need for someone to sleep over just keeping herself you know a little bit removed and distant

the fact that we weren’t getting on at the time terribly well…just going through a rebellious phase …it was just we were constantly you know (Mother of Blathnaid, 17)

Noticing…

I showed her the letter I says (child) I says cleaning out your room and I found this she looked at me and her face just dropped and I was so I went is it true? And she went ‘I’m sorry Mam’ she said ‘I was going to tell you when I was older’ she said ‘I thought you loved him and you wanted him back’ …’we had no money (siblings) were asking for him all day and all night and they were crying every day for him and I just felt like it was the right thing to do’ and I says ‘no’ I said ‘you can’t do it for those reasons’ I said ‘he’s done something wrong’ I says ‘he has to go’ I said ‘I can’t love a man that has done something like this’ an I said ‘if you’d a told me when you were 18 or 19 and I know I’m after being in a room with this man knowing he’s after doing that’ I said ‘that just’ I said it’s sickening I said you know I’m glad I found out now (Mother of Caitlin, 14)

Acting on information…

I eh actually asked them like em was there anything going on with your father I mean just that when he took them for the weekend …it got to the stage that I didn’t want the children near him because he was smoking hash and god knows what else he was doing and I didn’t want the children around him (Father of Padraig, 13)

Asking direct question

Mother’s conversation with child’s grandfather:

And he says you know it’s not right if people knows because they might victimise her … you don’t want people to think less of her. That’s my Dad who really cares about her. That’s what he thinks. People would think less of C10 because that happened to her” (Mother of Roisin, 15).

Containing the secret

so we went the three of us and …he was really sick about the whole thing and I was kinda hoping that the truth would come out ..I went in to the place in with them and she was left outside with him when I think of it then she and I were in together and then I think they explained that they can talk to her then I left her I went out to him and they talked to her and then they brought me in and said they had no more questions and then I got a letter a few days later to say there wouldn’t be any more investigation..which really bothered me .. but I didn’t wanna go to C10 and say why didn’t you say cos she I just felt she wasn’t ready to hear all that …and I said C10 why didn’t you ever tell what happened she said Mam I couldn’t I was afraid he was there it was horrible I couldn’t (M10)

Containing the secret

Containing the secret

I’m staying awake every night trying to watch that he doesn’t go into them and (social worker) just wasn’t there for me no-one was there for me …(social worker) came up and told (him) that he had to leave and he was giving him til the weekend to leave now …I can’t get him out on my own and I couldn’t say this in front of (him) because then (he) would go oh you believe (child) and he’ll become violent with me. The thing about it is (he) had two guns in this house, he had two hunting guns and I’m terrified (Mother of Caitlin, 14)

Fear of retaliation (mother not sharing with extended family)

Fear of other children knowing (telling child not to tell other children in school)

Containing…to protect

I think he was incredibly controlling .. he was very aggressive but he was silently controlling …I think was really vicious of him was I think she mentioned to me that one time he said to her if you tell I’ll know I’ll just know

his presence was enough to scare the living daylights out of you

I think maybe she was afraid that em it would hurt me, hurt my family I’m not sure because he always .. he always went further you know .. he would get the weakness in you ..my friends my family I think maybe she thought he would hurt me she wouldn’t tell (Mother of Cara, 15)

Fear of family fallout…

Family fallout

I think what makes it hard for children to tell is upset the family unit and em I think there’s a burden on them for that …I think that’s very hard cos things will change … I believe it’s harder if it’s within the immediate family …because of that burden I think it’s much easier if it’s outside the family because you have the solidarity of the family when it’s a stranger (Father of Caitlin, 14)

M: I think what happened her was …she was afraid that if she said something that she was adding to the problems and they had only got back together they had split up and they had only got back together …when this happened and she was afraid then that she’d break them up again

I haven’t seen her (daughter) since (Mother of Maire, 16)

Positive consequence…

when I found out then what had actually happened to her it was a little bit easier ..some understanding of why she had behaved in the way she had and at least we had something to work on then (Mother of Blathnaid, 17)

Parents who were abused themselves no more likely to ask their children

Shocked reactions: how could this happen to my child?

Mother and Father getting help for both their children – brother abused sister; both parents abused as children

Breaking the cycle of abuse

I was abused myself as a child so I know how it is for him…I just told my Mam 8 years ago and I’m 42. She was really upset. (Mother of Liam, 13)

when there’s somebody older telling you they’re gonna kill you and you’re 6 years of age I mean that’s a big thing for a child to be told so you suffer in silence you know I can understand why he didn’t but I couldn’t understand why he waited so long do you know what I mean to come out with it I mean we’re living out here 6 years he could’ve approached his Da or I at any time but I suppose it’s like Pandora’s box put it away and thought it’d never come back to haunt you (M0ther of Sean, 16)

Parental history of abuse

Challenges for parents

Noticing…and knowing when and what to ask…

Relationship: negotiating dependence and independence

Partner as abuser What does this say about me?

Sibling abuse Love for both children

Psychological impact on parents