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Listening to mum: Young mothers’ stories of relationship abuse Julia Langley- PhD Researcher University of Huddersfield

Listening to Mum

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Listening to mum: Young mothers’ stories of

relationship abuse

Julia Langley- PhD Researcher

University of Huddersfield

The study

The primary aim of this research was to give

young mothers who had experienced

relationship abuse an opportunity to tell their

stories and to have them heard

Objectives

To explore young mothers’ stories of relationships, abuse, pregnancy and motherhood

To discover how young mothers who have experienced relationship abuse talk about, construct, understand and make sense of their lives and experiences

To understand better the ways in which marginalised mothers negotiate their mothering

To critically examine how young mothers’ stories may reflect or contest available narratives

Method

Individual interviews – Un/semi-structured?

Participants• Became pregnant before 18th birthday• Currently pregnant or child under 2• Disclosed relationship abuse in the last year

Data Analysis using The Listening Guide

Ethical considerations

Challenges

Participants

Six young women

Age 15 – 20

Two pregnant, four with children

Majority separated from perpetrator - two living in a refuge

Findings

Stories of relationships and abuse

Stories of motherhood

Ambivalence, chaos and absences

Available narratives of relationships

Romance narrative– Fairy tale– Dark romance

Equality narrative

Limitations

“He seemed alright, everything was fine”

“Everything was fine, like, there were never really arguments or anything [J: Yeah] It were fine and then, once like I started to like get to know him

like as going out as a boyfriend instead of a friend, don’t know he just got right protective and

wanted to, make sure I spoke to no boys and, always checking my phone and stuff”

[Darcey]

Catalyst for abuse

“I did go through with an abortion… So, and then, me and Jonny started going downhill from

there really… We found out we were having a baby and then, he just started getting more, more and more and more violent like, just, it

were like he’d found out I were pregnant and he wanted to hurt me.”

[Claire]

Not really him

“Yeah, erm, he’s nice when he wants to be, but it’s just, when he’s in a bad mood [J: Yeah] he

just, completely different person”[Darcey]

“I think he’s tryina put a front on [J: Mmm] but inside he’s a totally different person, he tries to

act stubborn but he’s not”[Sharmaine]

Love, jealousy and protection

“I used, I used to just think eh? I used to think oh wow he’s er he proper likes me.”

[Sharmaine]

“I just couldn’t walk t’ shop or nowt, like, I don’t know, like if I walked to top o’ lane ‘why you

walking what about if someone would o’ got you?’ I just couldn’t do nowt.”

[Sharmaine]

Decision making

“I did it because I loved him… I’d just have to put up with it all and it were it were a life that I didn’t want to

live but I had to live to be with him”[Claire]

“Yeah, we split up and then, I don’t know he said sorry and I was stupid enough to get back with him”

[Darcey]

“So I took him back though I don’t know why”[Darcey]

Looking to the future

“Like if he’s that’s what makes me stronger, if he’s talking to me like it is he’s getting me stronger, and then in like soon he’s gonna make me just go and he’s gonna he’s gonna be the one that’s upset cos

he’s not used to me doing that”[Sharmaine]

Looking to the future

“So leaving Jonny having this baby and leaving Jonny has give me the strength to get back to the person I used to be… I haven’t got to be strong for myself I’m

not bothered what happens to me I’ve got to be strong for my baby [J: Yeah] and do everything to protect her and he’s give me the strength to do that [J: Mm] after knocking me down so many times if I can get back up

and stand stand up to him [J: Yeah] then I can I can stand up to anybody and I’ve done it and I’ve left him so

I’m proud of myself for getting out of that”[Claire]

Findings

Stories of relationships and abuse

Stories of motherhood

Ambivalence, chaos and absences

Available narratives ofmotherhood

‘Good’ mothers or ‘bad’ mothers

Teenage motherhood as problematic

Mothers who experience abuse?

Stories of conception

“Cos I got told I couldn’t conceive and he’d had a lot of surgery done down there so he got told he couldn’t have kids either so we thought oh we’re

safe except no, I’m pregnant so, it were a big shock to both of us”

[Lucy]

Influence of partners

“But because he wanted one so much and I felt so guilty for taking the other one away I felt like I had

to give him another I didn’t want children now I wanted to wait till I was older… but because it’s

what he wanted I give him what he wanted”[Claire]

Transformations

“I, like, if I hadn’t have had my baby now, I’d probably be on drugs and all sorts”

[Claire]

“I’m more motivated to do it because I’ve got a baby so she nee- she needs me to do that for her to have the best life… I’ve got to get as many qualifications try as hard as I can to get myself a good career that pays well so I can provide for her and she can have the best upbringing possible so that’s

all I’m really bothered about” [Claire]

Being a good mother

“He’s got toys in here toys in his bedroom, toys in bathroom for bath got toys everywhere”

[Destiny]

“Every penny that you’ve got needs to go on your baby”[Claire]

“Yeah well, I’m not saying this in a nasty way but I’ve lost my life because of Megan so yeah I might get the odd

night out but I can’t go out clubbing come in whenever I want I have to feed for two now not one you know but I

love it”[Lucy]

Challenges

“It’s so stressing but I wouldn’t I wouldn’t change being a mummy for t’ world”

[Destiny]

“It’s difficult I wish I’d o’ waited longer, like one I’d been to college and stuff but, I

wouldn’t change it now”[Darcey]

Mothering through abuse

“And then when McKenzie were first starting to talk he u- he used to get him to go ‘mummy’s bitch mummy’s bitch’ so now

if he’s like mardy or owt like that he’ll go ‘mummy’s bitch mummy’s bitch’ … He didn’t used to let me pick him up like if I

wanted to have a cuddle with him then it’d not he’d not be allowed he’d always have to like cuddle with John”

[Destiny]

“He wouldn’t e- he wouldn’t let me, he didn’t like me going to see Eva, er because I because he thought I were sleeping with

somebody behind his back” [Emma]

Fathers

“I don’t know, I do cos I feel like, he shouldn’t he shouldn’t not see it… I don’t think, I don’t think he’ll be

nasty to it, I don’t know”[Darcey]

“I think, I think he’s safe to see him myself cos I know I know he’d never hurt kids [J:Yeah] he’d ne- well he’s

never hurt Eva, and he’d never hurt Jackson, and erm I don’t I don’t know, but like t’ social worker says he

needs to do his anger management [J: Yeah] but I know I know he wouldn’t hurt kids anyway”

[Emma]

Summary

Motherhood and abuse inextricably linked

Intersection of public and private lives

Dominance of the romance narrative

“Good” mothers despite the challenges they faced

Contested dominant narratives of young motherhood

Implications

Abuse prevention work – role of dominant narratives

Challenging constructions of young mothers

Focusing on “good” mothering

Conflicting narratives about fathers and contact

Listening to young mothers’ stories

Future research

Finally…

“I don’t knowDoesn’t change my mindI don’t knowYou get used to itYou get used to everyone sayingYou shouldn’t be with himYou should get somebody differentI could do betterI don’t knowI just don’t want better

I liked himI don’t knowI justI thinkYou get used to like how he treats youYou think it’s badYou’ve been with him for so longYou’re not used to it any other way”

[Darcey]