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The Pine Barrens: New Jersey
6/26/10
My friend Ken and I venture out for
a little offroad fun on a beautiful
but hot Saturday afternoon.
The Pine Barrens are part of New Jersey’s Wharton State park, and boast over 500 miles of UNPAVED ROADS. The simple rules are:• 1. Use a 4WD Vehicle
• 2. Don’t stray from the roads.
• 3. Beware of puddles on the sandy roads. They are deeper than they appear.
• 4. Don’t drive alone, or ensure you have a winch if you do.
4WD Vehicle: CHECK! No problem driving
this thing in the sand….
Don’t Stray: CHECK!• We stayed on the nice sandy roads all day,
occasionally pulling over to look at the sights.
Beware of the…• Damn. Didn’t follow this rule. This looked like a
nice shallow puddle…AT FIRST!!!
This Jeep is officially STUCK.
Mud is level with the bottom of the jeep. I’m also ass
deep in mud
No worries folks, because I didn’t drive alone. My Friend
Ken came with me. Since we followed part of rule
number 4 (I don’t have a winch) then we should be totally
fine, right?
Oh wait, when they say “Don’t Drive Alone,” they
probably mean to have another vehicle with you.
Ohhhhhhh…..so, you see, having Ken in the passenger
seat probably isn’t going to freakin’ help here, is it?
Great, This is what being SCREWED feels like. We’re
alone, it’s hot as blazes, we have totally bottomed out.
WE ARE SO SCREWED!
So, Mark is the weird guy we saw earlier sunbathing in
the swampy looking river. We laughed at weird Mark at
first because he was acting like a mental patient, but
when we were stuck in the mud…guess what…Mark
didn’t seem so weird. Mark was a hero. You see, Mark
got us shovels, water and a strong ass nylon strap.
And I dug, and we dug, and I dug and we dug. Then we
drank water, dug some more. I was ass deep in water
and mud, and I dug and dug until I couldn’t stand it any
longer. We were tired, worn out and about to die. (We
dug for like 8 minutes, but we’re really out of shape.)
I wish I had a picture of Weird Mark for you, but there
was a good chance that Weird Mark would have killed
us and thrown us in the river if we didn’t play it his way.
You see, Weird Mark knew just a little too much about
the backwoods of New Jersey. Any guy that willingly
gets in that water just seems like a cooky enough guy
that should’t be crossed. So, we gave him the shovels
that we just bought, a nice $20 spot that Ken had in his
pocket and we bid him farewell.
But I say, Thank you sir. Thank you, thank you, thanks.
Getting the Jeep all dirty is more fun if you have the right
equipment.
But when you’re stuck, it’s not so great.
This is Ken. Without him, I’d for sure be dead in the Pine Barrens.
I’ve got mud between my toes, all over my clothes, in my hair, on
my face…
…AND IN MY BUTT! I can’t wait to get home and take a
shower…tomorrow we worry about cleaning the Jeep!