“So, I’ve been thinking I should do a wee recap since it’s been a while since I’ve updated.”

“Stupid Squishies and your feelings and your need to take a break.”

“Yeah, thanks. But I’m not really sure what everyone needs to know.”

“Pfffft indecision.”

“Look, it’s really quite simple. The simian fleshbag had a couple of little green poop machines, the blonde meatsack scragged the Squishy with the spiky hair, the simian fleshbag had a couple more green poop machines, the angsty meatsack brooded some more…”

“STOP HELPING.”

“Right. Now that he’s found some Chores to Do, we can get down to the nitty-gritty. Heirs Rizzo and Xander had graduated from college along with everyone else, so they kicked off Gen 7.”

Xander, after a number of telescope dates, got abducted. He wasn’t happy about the probing bits, but after the initial horror wore off, he went and had some cheesecake.

Thus the first two members of Gen 7 were Fuller, aka Bucky, and Marconi. Bucky got Xander’s normal-sized eyes and the Landgraab nose. Marco got the traditional alien features.

Over at the Prettacy, Rizzo married Take-No-Prisoners Zoe, and the two of them wasted little time in starting a family.

Rizzo-clone Carver became the first Gen 7 Prettacy kiddo.

Xander married former cheerleader Brittany Boyle in a wedding Rickroll, shortly after being abducted from the Dance Sphere. Their wedding cake was of the “cheese” variety.

Xander’s second set of twins is Tesla and Faraday. Tess has the big black alien eyes and small ears, the Landgraab nose, and Xander’s cheekbones and mouth. Fair has Xander’s eyes, both in shape and color, the alien ears and nose, and Xander’s mouth and brown hair.

At the Prettacy, Zoe was also pregnant again.

Zoe gave birth to twins of the non-cheesecake sort, Whitney and Bell. Whitney got Zoe’s red hair and Rizzo’s pale blue eyes, while Bell got Rizzo’s recessive blonde hair and green eyes.

These two were the last main-household kids of Gen 7.

The Little Bastard accepted an invitation to meet with a bar owner, who proved to be none other than Cypress. After refusing to kill Xander and take down the Dualegacy…

…Cypress got his murder on, ending Archie’s SimSelf conquests for good.

After finding Archie’s tombstone on their lawn, Coco brought Xander, Malcolm, Mal, Bucky, and Marco together and discussed the future, including the foolishness of trying to resurrect someone who’d been killed by Cypress.

Even if they’d decided that they could resurrect Archie, they had no means to do so. Eddie, after attempting to bring back his mother with his ill-gotten Bone Phone, was rebuffed by the pencil-pusher on the other end of the line. Frustrated and furious by his inability to bring Sycamore back, he set the Bone Phone ablaze and watched it burn.

At the Prettacy, Dora’s death was also at hand. Spider Jerusalem dropped by, telling her the truth about what had happened when they’d dated when she was in college, and she realized that it was his genuine feelings for her that had kept Cypress away from her family.

After Dora’s passing, Cypress recruited Spider’s help to rewire a Weathernaught.

Spider watched as Cypress activated the machine, causing it to rain at the Uglacy. Xander was home alone, and Spider’s confusion turned to horror as Cypress threw the switch, adding lightning to the rain.

With no one around to plead for him, Xander was killed when a bolt of lightning struck him as he played in a puddle.

Now essentially orphans, his children turned to each other for comfort and strength, knowing that Coco wouldn’t be around for long either.

Or, at least, she wouldn’t have had long to go had she not befriended one of the Grand Vampires, who turned her into a vampire so that she could continue to look after her family.

“Right, so that’s more or less where I’m at now in terms of death and plottiness and whatnot. And now here’s a Teen recap for you: everybody going to college with Gen 7, plus a couple. Oh, and most of ‘em weren’t Teens the last time you saw ‘em, but they’re all grown up in-game now, so you get Teen pics.”

Fuller “Bucky” Vetinari, Sagittarius 8/1/10/10/0, Fortune. His LTW is to top some career or another.

He might have no nice points, but he’s pretty good at pretending like he’s got a few, and is definitely the mastermind when it comes to his siblings. He’s been the one holding things together since Xander’s death.

Marconi Vetinari, Taurus 7/7/6/10/2, Pleasure. Marco wants 50 First Dates.

Definitely the goofier of the first set of twins, he’s not entirely thrilled with his role as Black Sheep. His playfulness is constantly warring with the responsibility he knows he has to assume, making him a little more serious than he’d like to be.

Tesla Vetinari, Pisces 10/3/10/1/10, Grilled Cheese. Tess’s LTW is obviously Eat 200 Grilled Cheese Sandwiches.

Tess is the Gen 7 Uglacy heir, and although she’s the nicest and most serious of the generation, she still likes to have fun and is plenty tough. She took Xander’s death hard, but has taken it on herself to make things as good as they can be.

Faraday Vetinari, Taurus 9/7/5/10/0, Knowledge. Fair’s LTW is to be a Media Magnate.

Fair had the strongest reaction to his father’s death, refusing to believe that his older brothers were struggling too, and resenting the attention they paid to kindhearted Tess. He became angry, lashing out at the only family he had left.

Carver Vetinari, Taurus 2/9/7/10/5, Pleasure. Carver wants 50 First Dates, and he cannot have them. He CAN have a re-roll in college.

Carver’s happy-go-lucky and fun-loving, although he adores his twin siblings, and has Family Sim tendencies.

Whitney Vetinari, Sagittarius 2/9/9/10/5, Popularity. She currently wants to be The Law, although I may chance an Aspiration re-roll in college to see if I can get a Fortune heir here.

Between the Outgoing, the Playful, and the Popularity, Whitney’s pretty much a party girl. Fortunately, she’s Nice enough that she has an easy time making friends, and people generally like her in fairly short order.

Bell Vetinari, Sagittarius 2/3/9/10/5, Pleasure. Bell wants 50 Dream Dates. Those, I can do.

Bell’s every bit as playful as his brother and sister, but far more shy, and usually gets roped into their schemes for parties and Sneaking Outs.

Niobe Vetinari, Pisces 6/0/10/0/9, Family. She actually does have some Outgoing and Playful now, but I can’t remember how many. Anyway, she’s the half-alien daughter of Cameroon.

Isaac/CalistaJuniper/StephanJonquil/JeannieWren/StyxCameroon.

Cam is also married to Uglacy spare Rocky.

Niobe is still pretty shy, and prefers quiet pasttimes, although she’s not against the occasional water balloon fight with friends and relatives.

Scott Vetinari, Aries 6/9/6/4/9, Family. He’ll be switched to Popularity the next time I play his lot, because with that personality, he just screams Family. He’s the son of Georgia and Dormie Sheldon.

Isaac/CalistaJuniper/StephanJonquil/JeannieWren/StyxGeorgia/Sheldon.

Outgoing and Nice, Scotty’s up for pretty much anything, any time.

Connor Vetinari, Gemini 4/10/9/5/1, Popularity. Connor is the son of Bee and Naked Victor.

Isaac/CalistaJuniper/StephanJonquil/JeannieRaven/TomIndia/DiBianca/Victor

Cutie Connor’s the Vetinari-est of the bunch, being both a naked-hot-tubber and piss-mean.

Kate Vetinari, Pisces 5/7/10/5/8, Family. She’s the daughter of Fee and Reed.

Isaac/CalistaJuniper/StephanJonquil/JeannieRaven/TomChad/MichelleFiona/Reed

Kate looks quite a bit like her mother, but she’s got more of a mix of personalities. She makes friends easily, and can hold her own against the likes of Connor.

Brooke Vetinari, Sagittarius 6/1/10/7/4, Fortune. Brooke is the daughter of Simon and Pen.

Isaac/CalistaJuniper/StephanJonquil/JeannieRaven/TomChad/MichelleSimon/Pen

She’s got Simon’s personality, so it’s no surprise that they’re a lot alike, including both being adorably cute.

River Vetinari, Virgo 10/1/9/7/1, Fortune. River is Brooke’s twin sister.

River might be as shy as Simon, but she’s meaner, and isn’t afraid to pull pranks or cheat her opponent at chess.

Malcolm Landgraab V, Virgo 10/2/9/3/3, Fortune. Eddie’s full sister, daughter of Malcolm Landgraab IV and Sycamore.

Isaac/CalistaSycamore/Malcolm Landgraab IV

Shy and serious, Mal’s a bit of a tomboy, but she shares her mother’s dedication to the Legacy side of the family.

And now for some Teens who might show up, but won’t go to college this generation.

Nuala Vetinari, Libra 2/9/5/6/6, Romance, daughter of Delirium and one of the Riverblossom Hills Townies. Samuel Smith, I think.

Orson/YvetteCypress/JaneDelirium

Nuala takes after Delirium in a lot of ways, both the good and the bad.

Matthew Vetinari, Aries 6/10/8/3/3, Knowledge. Matthew is the son of Delight and Nolan.

Orson/YvetteCypress/JaneDelight/Nolan

What with the naked hot-tubbing, Matty has a tendency to follow people home from school, and dazzle them with his ability to finger-gun.

Daniel Vetinari, Taurus 10/4/8/10/3, Family. He is Matty’s twin brother. His actual hair color is brown, but since I’m going with the whole “Sandman” theme for Cy and Jane’s twins, I decided that an homage to Dream-Daniel was fitting.

Daniel takes after his mother, with the shyness and the playfulness, but with that nose, there’s no doubt that he’s a Vetinari.

“Right, so that’s that! Update soon with some of your favorite faces, as Cassidy, Malcolm, Eddie, and Gilbert make appearances!”