Things you definitely don't want to hear during surgery

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Things YouDefinitely Don’t

Want to HearDuring Surgery

Things YouDefinitely Don’t

Want to HearDuring Surgery

Better save that. We'llneed it for the autopsy.Better save that. We'llneed it for the autopsy.

Things You Definitely Don’t Want to Hear During SurgeryThings You Definitely Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Oxymorons for the AgesOxymorons for the Ages

Steril, shcmeril. Thefloor's clean, right?Steril, shcmeril. Thefloor's clean, right?

Someone call the janitor -we're going to need amop & a bucket.

Someone call the janitor -we're going to need amop & a bucket.


"Accept this sacrifice, OhGreat Lord of Darkness""Accept this sacrifice, OhGreat Lord of Darkness"


Bo! Bo! Come back withthat! Bad Dog!Bo! Bo! Come back withthat! Bad Dog!



Wait a minute, if this ishis spleen, then what'sthat?

Wait a minute, if this ishis spleen, then what'sthat?


Hand me that...uh...thatuh.....thingieHand me that...uh...thatuh.....thingie


Oh no! Has anyone seenmy Rolex?Oh no! Has anyone seenmy Rolex?


Oops! Hey, has anyoneever survived 500ml ofthis stuff before?

Oops! Hey, has anyoneever survived 500ml ofthis stuff before?


Damn, there go the lightsagain...Damn, there go the lightsagain...


"Ya know, there's bigmoney in kidneys. Hell,the guy's got two of 'em.

"Ya know, there's bigmoney in kidneys. Hell,the guy's got two of 'em.



Everybody stand back! Ilost my contact lens!Everybody stand back! Ilost my contact lens!


Could you stop that thingfrom beating; it's throwingoff my concentration

Could you stop that thingfrom beating; it's throwingoff my concentration


What the heck is thisdoing here?What the heck is thisdoing here?


I hate it when they'remissing stuff in here.I hate it when they'remissing stuff in here.


That's cool! Now canyou make his other legtwitch?!

That's cool! Now canyou make his other legtwitch?!


I wish I hadn't forgottenmy glasses.I wish I hadn't forgottenmy glasses.



Well folks, this will be anexperiment for all of us.Well folks, this will be anexperiment for all of us.


What do mean he wasn'tin for a sex change??!!What do mean he wasn'tin for a sex change??!!


Anyone see where I leftthat scalpel?Anyone see where I leftthat scalpel?


And now we remove thesubject's brain and placeit in the body of the ape.

And now we remove thesubject's brain and placeit in the body of the ape.


OK, now take a picturefrom this angle. This istruly a freak of nature.

OK, now take a picturefrom this angle. This istruly a freak of nature.


This patient has alreadyhad some kids, am Icorrect?

This patient has alreadyhad some kids, am Icorrect?



Nurse, did this patientsign the organ donationcard?

Nurse, did this patientsign the organ donationcard?


Don't worry. I’m prettysure it’s sharp enough.Don't worry. I’m prettysure it’s sharp enough.


What do you mean youwant a divorce?What do you mean youwant a divorce?


She's gonna blow!Everyone take cover!!!She's gonna blow!Everyone take cover!!!


FIRE! FIRE! Everyone getout!FIRE! FIRE! Everyone getout!


Damn! Page 47 of themanual is missing!Damn! Page 47 of themanual is missing!



Oxymoronsfor the AgesOxymoronsOxymoronsfor the Agesfor the Ages


Act naturallyAct naturally


FoundFoundmissingmissing


Resident alienResident alien


AdvancedAdvancedBASICBASIC


GenuineGenuineimitationimitation



Safe sexSafe sex


Airline foodAirline food


Good griefGood grief


SameSamedifferencedifference


AlmostAlmostexactlyexactly


GovernmentGovernmentorganizationorganization



SanitarySanitarylandfilllandfill


AloneAlonetogethertogether


Legally drunkLegally drunk


Silent screamSilent scream


BritishBritishfashionfashion


Living deadLiving dead



Small crowdSmall crowd


BusinessBusinessethicsethics


Soft rockSoft rock


Butt headButt head


MilitaryMilitaryintelligenceintelligence


SoftwareSoftwaredocumentationdocumentation



CaliforniaCaliforniacultureculture


New classicNew classic


Sweet sorrowSweet sorrow


ChildproofChildproof


PassivePassiveaggressionaggression


ClearlyClearlymisunderstoodmisunderstood



Twelve-ounceTwelve-ouncepound cakepound cake


Rap musicRap music


SyntheticSyntheticnatural gasnatural gas


Taped liveTaped live


ClearlyClearlymisunderstoodmisunderstood


Peace forcePeace force



Cleveland lifeCleveland life


TemporaryTemporarytax increasetax increase


ComputerComputerjockjock


PlasticPlasticglassesglasses


TerriblyTerriblypleasedpleased


ComputerComputersecuritysecurity



Tight slacksTight slacks


DefiniteDefinitemaybemaybe


Pretty uglyPretty ugly


Diet ice-creamDiet ice-cream


WorkingWorkingvacationvacation


ExactExactestimateestimate


Actual JobEvaluationsActual JobEvaluations

Since my last report,he has reached rockbottom and hasstarted to dig.

Since my last report,he has reached rockbottom and hasstarted to dig.

Actual Performance EvaluationsActual Performance Evaluations

His men would followhim anywhere, butonly out of morbidcuriosity.

His men would followhim anywhere, butonly out of morbidcuriosity.


I would not allow thisemployee to breed.I would not allow thisemployee to breed.


This employee is notso much of a has-been, but more of adefinitely won't be.

This employee is notso much of a has-been, but more of adefinitely won't be.


Works well whenunder constantsupervision andcornered like a rat ina trap.

Works well whenunder constantsupervision andcornered like a rat ina trap.



When she opens hermouth, it seems thatthis is only to changewhichever foot waspreviously in there.

When she opens hermouth, it seems thatthis is only to changewhichever foot waspreviously in there.


He would be out ofhis depth in a parkinglot puddle.

He would be out ofhis depth in a parkinglot puddle.


This young lady hasdelusions ofadequacy.

This young lady hasdelusions ofadequacy.


She sets low personalstandards and thenconsistently fails toachieve them.

She sets low personalstandards and thenconsistently fails toachieve them.


This employee shouldgo far ...and thesooner he starts, thebetter.

This employee shouldgo far ...and thesooner he starts, thebetter.


This employee isdepriving a villagesomewhere of anidiot.

This employee isdepriving a villagesomewhere of anidiot.



ActualBumperStickers

ActualBumperStickers

Change is inevitable,except from avending machine

Change is inevitable,except from avending machine

Actual Bumper StickersActual Bumper Stickers

I’m out of my mind.Back in five minutes.I’m out of my mind.Back in five minutes.


Laugh alone and theworld thinks you'rean idiot

Laugh alone and theworld thinks you'rean idiot


Texas - At least ourcows are sane!Texas - At least ourcows are sane!


The gene pool coulduse a little chlorineThe gene pool coulduse a little chlorine



I didn't fight myway to the top ofthe food chain justto be a vegetarian

I didn't fight myway to the top ofthe food chain justto be a vegetarian


Your kid may be anhonor student butyou're still an IDIOT!

Your kid may be anhonor student butyou're still an IDIOT!


I took an IQ testand the resultswere negative

I took an IQ testand the resultswere negative


If we aren'tsupposed to beeating animals,then why are theymade of meat?

If we aren'tsupposed to beeating animals,then why are theymade of meat?


Forget about worldpeace...

...visualize usingyour turn signal

Forget about worldpeace...

...visualize usingyour turn signal


Warning: Dates onthe calendar arecloser than theyappear

Warning: Dates onthe calendar arecloser than theyappear



Give me ambiguityor give mesomething else

Give me ambiguityor give mesomething else


Make it idiot proofand someone willmake a better idiot

Make it idiot proofand someone willmake a better idiot


He who laughs lastthinks slowestHe who laughs lastthinks slowest


Always rememberyou're unique...justlike everyone else

Always rememberyou're unique...justlike everyone else


Puritanism:The haunting fearthat someone,somewhere may behappy

Puritanism:The haunting fearthat someone,somewhere may behappy


I souport publikedukasionI souport publikedukasion



There are 3 kinds ofpeople: those whocan count & thosewho can't

There are 3 kinds ofpeople: those whocan count & thosewho can't


Diplomacy is the artof saying 'Nicedoggie!'... till youcan find a big rock

Diplomacy is the artof saying 'Nicedoggie!'... till youcan find a big rock


I like you, but Iwouldn't want tosee you workingwith subatomicparticles

I like you, but Iwouldn't want tosee you workingwith subatomicparticles


All generalizationsare falseAll generalizationsare false


Learn from yourparents' mistakes -use birth control

Learn from yourparents' mistakes -use birth control


I'm not as think asyou drunk I amI'm not as think asyou drunk I am



Time is what keepseverything fromhappening at once

Time is what keepseverything fromhappening at once


The more people Imeet, the more Ilike my dog

The more people Imeet, the more Ilike my dog


Women who seekto be equal to menlack ambition

Women who seekto be equal to menlack ambition


Few women admittheir age...fewermen act it.

Few women admittheir age...fewermen act it.


How can I miss youif you won't goaway?

How can I miss youif you won't goaway?


Beauty is in the eyeof the beer holder...Beauty is in the eyeof the beer holder...



Make it idiot proofand someone willmake a better idiot.

Make it idiot proofand someone willmake a better idiot.


We are Microsoft.Resistance is futile.You will beassimilated.

We are Microsoft.Resistance is futile.You will beassimilated.


Horn broken. Watchfor finger.Horn broken. Watchfor finger.


I love cats...theytaste just likechicken.

I love cats...theytaste just likechicken.


As long as there aretests, there will beprayer in publicschools.

As long as there aretests, there will beprayer in publicschools.


Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.



It is as BAD as youthink, and they AREout to get us.

It is as BAD as youthink, and they AREout to get us.


Friends don't letfriends drive naked.Friends don't letfriends drive naked.


Where there's a will,I want to be in it!Where there's a will,I want to be in it!


It's lonely at thetop, but you eatbetter.

It's lonely at thetop, but you eatbetter.


We’re born naked,wet and hungry.Then things getworse.

We’re born naked,wet and hungry.Then things getworse.


Be nice to yourkids. They'll chooseyour nursing home.

Be nice to yourkids. They'll chooseyour nursing home.



Sorry, I don't dateoutside my species.Sorry, I don't dateoutside my species.


I don't suffer frominsanity, I enjoyevery minute of it.

I don't suffer frominsanity, I enjoyevery minute of it.


Hard work has afuture payoff.Laziness pays offNOW.

Hard work has afuture payoff.Laziness pays offNOW.


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Things you definitely don't want to hear during surgery