FictionFiction

Written in first person, the story Written in first person, the story revolves around Maya’s Present and Past. revolves around Maya’s Present and Past. Destiny puts her through pain, ‘8 years Destiny puts her through pain, ‘8 years ago, and 8 years later again’, that she ago, and 8 years later again’, that she describes as still, dark black. She will find describes as still, dark black. She will find a touch of the ecstasy of love, but how a touch of the ecstasy of love, but how long will it last?long will it last?

““8 Years Ago, And 8 8 Years Ago, And 8 Years Later Again”Years Later Again”

It was dark. But not darker than the deep hole he had It was dark. But not darker than the deep hole he had dug in my life, to ruin it, to make it incomplete. He had dug in my life, to ruin it, to make it incomplete. He had dug this hole to steal the treasure of happiness out of dug this hole to steal the treasure of happiness out of me and replace it with gloom and helplessness as a me and replace it with gloom and helplessness as a substitute. The hole was meant to convert me from substitute. The hole was meant to convert me from whole to hole. It was so big, so deep, so visible that I whole to hole. It was so big, so deep, so visible that I couldn’t hide it, couldn’t fill it back with happiness. I couldn’t hide it, couldn’t fill it back with happiness. I had to live with the melancholy, with the fire that burnt had to live with the melancholy, with the fire that burnt deep within me; it’s flames bursting out, refusing to deep within me; it’s flames bursting out, refusing to calm themselves down- boiling out like a lava no longer calm themselves down- boiling out like a lava no longer ready to remain in it’s volcano, refusing to stop the ready to remain in it’s volcano, refusing to stop the destruction it was causing. But what is left even after destruction it was causing. But what is left even after the lava does stop boiling? It dries, turns into stone. the lava does stop boiling? It dries, turns into stone. And that was just what was going to happen to me. I And that was just what was going to happen to me. I would be a stone- a heartless, feeling-less, lifeless would be a stone- a heartless, feeling-less, lifeless stone, without a particle of joy, without the inner stone, without a particle of joy, without the inner pleasure that alone makes one complete.pleasure that alone makes one complete.

I was divided- my colder, gloomier side taking over my I was divided- my colder, gloomier side taking over my whole self, erasing me, cutting me off from whatever whole self, erasing me, cutting me off from whatever life remained in me.life remained in me.

I had tried, I had struggled, to wake myself up from this I had tried, I had struggled, to wake myself up from this bad dream, or maybe I had tried to put myself in a bad dream, or maybe I had tried to put myself in a peaceful dream to escape the harsh realities of my life. peaceful dream to escape the harsh realities of my life. It was at these times that I was grateful that dreams It was at these times that I was grateful that dreams existed.existed.

Because I usually had good dreams. Dreams in which I Because I usually had good dreams. Dreams in which I was little, happy, laughing, having a good time. I would was little, happy, laughing, having a good time. I would often see my father in my dreams. My father and I were often see my father in my dreams. My father and I were a jolly pair. We would often go out together on a jolly pair. We would often go out together on Saturdays and treat ourselves with ice-cream, after Saturdays and treat ourselves with ice-cream, after which we would go to Sindbad and I would sit on the which we would go to Sindbad and I would sit on the rides for children. He would pick me up and kiss me rides for children. He would pick me up and kiss me when I would sit on a ride. when I would sit on a ride.

We used to spend quality time together- just the We used to spend quality time together- just the two of us, and after a whole day of laughing and two of us, and after a whole day of laughing and enjoying, we would go back home and I would curl enjoying, we would go back home and I would curl up besides him and talk to him of the day’s up besides him and talk to him of the day’s adventures. His strong arms made me feel at adventures. His strong arms made me feel at home, made me feel protected, and even though I home, made me feel protected, and even though I cried over my mother’s death nearly everyday, it cried over my mother’s death nearly everyday, it was at these times that I thought life needed no was at these times that I thought life needed no more improvement.more improvement.

This, of course, was before the accident I This, of course, was before the accident I remember so vividly. Even though I was only 11 at remember so vividly. Even though I was only 11 at the time, and it had been 8 years to this incident, the time, and it had been 8 years to this incident, I still remembered each and every detail.I still remembered each and every detail.

Father and I were out on for our weekly enjoyment, Father and I were out on for our weekly enjoyment, but there were no empty parking slots.but there were no empty parking slots.

Daddy found a small, closed space, but once we parked, Daddy found a small, closed space, but once we parked, both doors wouldn’t open, so he told me to wait outside both doors wouldn’t open, so he told me to wait outside while he parked. He kissed me on the forehead, not while he parked. He kissed me on the forehead, not knowing it would be the last. As I stepped outside, he knowing it would be the last. As I stepped outside, he said,said,

“ “Watch out, and don’t go too far, okay?”Watch out, and don’t go too far, okay?”

I nodded in answer and waited on the footpath.I nodded in answer and waited on the footpath.

He started driving towards his destination, when He started driving towards his destination, when suddenly, out of no where, a car sped circling down and suddenly, out of no where, a car sped circling down and hit my father’s car. There was no time to stop, to hit my father’s car. There was no time to stop, to understand, or even to scream. I could only stand there understand, or even to scream. I could only stand there with my jaw dropped and eyes wide open as my father with my jaw dropped and eyes wide open as my father went crashing with the car hitting a bamboo pole at full went crashing with the car hitting a bamboo pole at full speed. He did scream, though, as his heart beat much speed. He did scream, though, as his heart beat much faster than normal for the last few times before stopping faster than normal for the last few times before stopping forever.forever.

The scene was over in a few minutes. No last-moment The scene was over in a few minutes. No last-moment sufferings, last words, last promises. It was all over- sufferings, last words, last promises. It was all over- done for. His breath, his soul, was taken away. All that done for. His breath, his soul, was taken away. All that lay there was blood-covered lifeless flesh.lay there was blood-covered lifeless flesh.

And I knew very well that it was only flesh and blood, And I knew very well that it was only flesh and blood, because my father had been taken up to the heavens, because my father had been taken up to the heavens, and it was that soul I had loved so much, not the body and it was that soul I had loved so much, not the body that lay there lifelessly. When I finally gathered voice that lay there lifelessly. When I finally gathered voice enough to scream, I looked up, my hands reaching out enough to scream, I looked up, my hands reaching out at the dark, black sky, as if to snatch back without what at the dark, black sky, as if to snatch back without what my life would be meaningless. Useless. Incomplete.my life would be meaningless. Useless. Incomplete.

I dropped to my knees with my hands on the ground, I dropped to my knees with my hands on the ground, and closed my eyes so I could avoid seeing my father in and closed my eyes so I could avoid seeing my father in the condition he was in, and could picture him as my the condition he was in, and could picture him as my cheerful father with the rosy smile.cheerful father with the rosy smile.

But I could see nothing. Only black. The dark black But I could see nothing. Only black. The dark black silence that was sinking down on my heart. The burden silence that was sinking down on my heart. The burden that weighed on my chest so heavily. The black shadows that weighed on my chest so heavily. The black shadows of the gloomy, dark night.of the gloomy, dark night.

And here again, 8 years later, I was again standing in the And here again, 8 years later, I was again standing in the same still dark, wondering why everyone who ever did same still dark, wondering why everyone who ever did come in my life only came to make it more incomplete come in my life only came to make it more incomplete than before, only to dig the hole of tragedy even further.than before, only to dig the hole of tragedy even further.

3 months back, when it had been 7 years and 9 months 3 months back, when it had been 7 years and 9 months to Daddy’s death, I had adjusted to my new way of life, to Daddy’s death, I had adjusted to my new way of life, living with my guardian aunt, never considering that living with my guardian aunt, never considering that apartment as my house or home, always remembering apartment as my house or home, always remembering that I was an orphan and not a step-daughter, that I was that I was an orphan and not a step-daughter, that I was deprived of the biggest blessing of life- Parents, and that deprived of the biggest blessing of life- Parents, and that there really was no substitute of it.there really was no substitute of it.

That is how I had spent nearly 8 difficult years of my life. That is how I had spent nearly 8 difficult years of my life. I was now 19. I had graduated from college, working I was now 19. I had graduated from college, working part time as a teacher’s assistant to pay my fees. My part time as a teacher’s assistant to pay my fees. My grades were good enough for me to get an opportunity grades were good enough for me to get an opportunity to work for 3 months in the Human Resource to work for 3 months in the Human Resource Department of a big firm, which would be beneficial for Department of a big firm, which would be beneficial for my future career and studies.my future career and studies.

On my first day, as I entered the office, there was a On my first day, as I entered the office, there was a scene of chaos. I stood there, utterly confused, till it scene of chaos. I stood there, utterly confused, till it became evident that two men had gotten into an became evident that two men had gotten into an argument which had now turned into a full-fledged argument which had now turned into a full-fledged fight.fight.

“ “How uncivilized these educated illiterates are!”, I How uncivilized these educated illiterates are!”, I thought to myself, and prayed that I get to stay away thought to myself, and prayed that I get to stay away from them in the 3 months I was going to be here.from them in the 3 months I was going to be here.

I approached the desk that had a ‘Student’ tag on it and I approached the desk that had a ‘Student’ tag on it and settled down till the scene cleared. Eventually, the two settled down till the scene cleared. Eventually, the two men were parted and people resumed their work.men were parted and people resumed their work.

I knew that I was the youngest person there, in fact, the I knew that I was the youngest person there, in fact, the only student, and that I was here because of my only student, and that I was here because of my excellent results, and also that I would be working under excellent results, and also that I would be working under a senior employee, or maybe just following them around a senior employee, or maybe just following them around to see what work they do.to see what work they do.

A man, aged about 31, came and sat on the seat besides A man, aged about 31, came and sat on the seat besides me. He had a small moustache and little beard hair, was me. He had a small moustache and little beard hair, was tan-skinned and had short but messy black hair. He had tan-skinned and had short but messy black hair. He had small brown eyes, and as I looked up at his face, I saw small brown eyes, and as I looked up at his face, I saw that he had particularly attractive dimples. His work that he had particularly attractive dimples. His work badge showed that his name was ‘Ayan Hassan’. As I badge showed that his name was ‘Ayan Hassan’. As I watched him, I realized that he was the same person watched him, I realized that he was the same person who had been arguing with another just a while ago. who had been arguing with another just a while ago.

Sure, he looked angry. His tie was untied and his shirt Sure, he looked angry. His tie was untied and his shirt wasn’t properly tucked under his pants. He shrugged his wasn’t properly tucked under his pants. He shrugged his shoulders to set his coat, ran his fingers through his hair shoulders to set his coat, ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath to calm himself down.and took a deep breath to calm himself down.

He turned around to face me, analyzing me from top to He turned around to face me, analyzing me from top to bottom, and then asked me, “And who are you, young bottom, and then asked me, “And who are you, young lady? What work are you supposed to do?”lady? What work are you supposed to do?”

“ “Sir, I am a student and this company has offered me to Sir, I am a student and this company has offered me to work here as internship under an experienced employee. work here as internship under an experienced employee. I found my tag here”, and held out the tag to show him.I found my tag here”, and held out the tag to show him.

He thought for a moment, and then said,He thought for a moment, and then said,

“ “Oh yes, I remember! Maya”, he paused for a second, Oh yes, I remember! Maya”, he paused for a second, then resumed, “Maya Anees, right?” then resumed, “Maya Anees, right?”

“ “Yes sir, that is me,” I replied, wishing he would not be Yes sir, that is me,” I replied, wishing he would not be one of the people I would work with.one of the people I would work with.

“ “Well Maya,” he said, “you would be my assistant here Well Maya,” he said, “you would be my assistant here for the next 3 months”.for the next 3 months”.

My legs started trembling as he dropped the unfortunate My legs started trembling as he dropped the unfortunate news bomb on me, and I asked,news bomb on me, and I asked,

“ “So then, I am something like a secretary?”So then, I am something like a secretary?”

He gave a hearty little laugh, his dimples showing He gave a hearty little laugh, his dimples showing beautifully, making his face look suddenly innocent, beautifully, making his face look suddenly innocent, and said, “No, not like a secretary, rather like a helper”.and said, “No, not like a secretary, rather like a helper”.

I was relieved. But not because I was not a secretary, I was relieved. But not because I was not a secretary, but because of that hearty little laugh, and I felt like I but because of that hearty little laugh, and I felt like I might have to change my opinion about him with time.might have to change my opinion about him with time.

His pace of explaining me my work was very fast, but so His pace of explaining me my work was very fast, but so was my grabbing pace, because of which we were soon was my grabbing pace, because of which we were soon done with the introduction part. He would give me done with the introduction part. He would give me approving smiles whenever I would answer correctly approving smiles whenever I would answer correctly the questions he asked me to test me what I the questions he asked me to test me what I understood.understood.

After a few days of excellent co-operation, he asked me if I After a few days of excellent co-operation, he asked me if I wanted to go for lunch with him. I was reluctant to go, but wanted to go for lunch with him. I was reluctant to go, but he said,he said,

“ “Well, how about you consider this an order too? Only a Well, how about you consider this an order too? Only a few men stay here during lunch time, everyone else few men stay here during lunch time, everyone else leaves for lunch outside the office. I wasn’t much leaves for lunch outside the office. I wasn’t much bothered earlier, but now that I look at it, it’s not entirely bothered earlier, but now that I look at it, it’s not entirely safe for you to stay here,” and then added, “and your safe for you to stay here,” and then added, “and your safety is important.”safety is important.”

I looked up at him and saw what my life had lacked for the I looked up at him and saw what my life had lacked for the past 8 years; the heart-warming feeling of knowing that past 8 years; the heart-warming feeling of knowing that someone wanted me to be protected, that someone really someone wanted me to be protected, that someone really cared if I was safe. I then agreed to go to a nearby cared if I was safe. I then agreed to go to a nearby restaurant.restaurant.

“ “So?”, he said, as he seated.So?”, he said, as he seated. “ “I don’t know. I’ve never been out on lunch like this I don’t know. I’ve never been out on lunch like this

before”, I remarked, as I looked around at the big before”, I remarked, as I looked around at the big restaurant. restaurant.

He gave his hearty little laugh again, and said,He gave his hearty little laugh again, and said,

“ “But you don’t need to be an expert at outdoor lunches But you don’t need to be an expert at outdoor lunches to be able to talk, you know.”to be able to talk, you know.”

“ “You’re right,” I said, with a nod, and then added, “But I You’re right,” I said, with a nod, and then added, “But I am not even an expert at talking.”am not even an expert at talking.”

“ “Two weeks!”, he exclaimed, bending forward and Two weeks!”, he exclaimed, bending forward and tapping his hands at the table, “Stay with me for two tapping his hands at the table, “Stay with me for two weeks and I’ll teach you how to speak”weeks and I’ll teach you how to speak”

And sure enough, in the following two weeks, we had And sure enough, in the following two weeks, we had talked on all sorts of topics- from what can be done for talked on all sorts of topics- from what can be done for world peace to how to explain the cleaner to dust our world peace to how to explain the cleaner to dust our desks properly. We talked about food, about education, desks properly. We talked about food, about education, politics, office gossip and various other things. But we politics, office gossip and various other things. But we never talked about our family or anything private.never talked about our family or anything private.

I had always been sober and reserved throughout my school I had always been sober and reserved throughout my school and college years. It was partly because of the trauma I had and college years. It was partly because of the trauma I had to go through, but partly it was because I could not adjust to go through, but partly it was because I could not adjust among people of my own age. I had probably needed some among people of my own age. I had probably needed some one bigger, older, more mature, to understand me, to have one bigger, older, more mature, to understand me, to have a conversation with. And now here, despite the fact that we a conversation with. And now here, despite the fact that we were only talking about general things, I felt at ease with were only talking about general things, I felt at ease with him.him.

Without realizing, I would sometimes glance at him while he Without realizing, I would sometimes glance at him while he was working, and smile at my own self.was working, and smile at my own self.

More time passed and I started looking forward to meeting More time passed and I started looking forward to meeting him everyday, would be pleased when there was more work him everyday, would be pleased when there was more work to do together and quietly upset when he failed to show up to do together and quietly upset when he failed to show up for work.for work.

I had never been a passionate believer of love, which is I had never been a passionate believer of love, which is probably why I could not understand the increasing probably why I could not understand the increasing attraction and growing fondness that I felt for him.attraction and growing fondness that I felt for him.

Within two months, I had completely given myself away Within two months, I had completely given myself away to him and found myself thinking of him and the times to him and found myself thinking of him and the times we spent together. My feelings were innocent, and all I we spent together. My feelings were innocent, and all I knew was that I was happy, after 8 years of sorrow. knew was that I was happy, after 8 years of sorrow.

But then, one night, I had a strange dream.But then, one night, I had a strange dream.

Ayan had now not only become the centre of my Ayan had now not only become the centre of my thoughts, but even my dreams. This night, however, I thoughts, but even my dreams. This night, however, I dreamt of my father again. I saw him sitting on his dreamt of my father again. I saw him sitting on his rocking chair, smiling his cheeky smile, with me in his rocking chair, smiling his cheeky smile, with me in his lap. How old was I? Five? Six? Mummy stood besides us lap. How old was I? Five? Six? Mummy stood besides us too. She was holding hands with dad.too. She was holding hands with dad.

In a blurry vision, I saw the scene change from my house In a blurry vision, I saw the scene change from my house to a thick, dark forest. Father was still in his chair and I to a thick, dark forest. Father was still in his chair and I was still in his lap, but this time, he looked upset. As I was still in his lap, but this time, he looked upset. As I turned around, I saw that Mummy was gone and turned around, I saw that Mummy was gone and daddy’s hands were clenched in a tight fist.daddy’s hands were clenched in a tight fist.

Tall, thorny trees surrounded us and it started raining Tall, thorny trees surrounded us and it started raining heavily. The sky was pitch black and lightning struck heavily. The sky was pitch black and lightning struck alongside too. Gusts of wind blew furiously, making the alongside too. Gusts of wind blew furiously, making the cold harder to bear.cold harder to bear.

“ “Daddy!”, I screamed with fright, shut my eyes tight and Daddy!”, I screamed with fright, shut my eyes tight and held him tighter than before, but he did not respond back. held him tighter than before, but he did not respond back. He did not even speak to me, or console me. His fist was He did not even speak to me, or console me. His fist was still clenched and he wore an angry look, rather a blaming still clenched and he wore an angry look, rather a blaming look, and he was looking at me. I understood it now. He look, and he was looking at me. I understood it now. He was angry at me. He believed I was responsible for the was angry at me. He believed I was responsible for the tragic turn our life had taken, that I was responsible for tragic turn our life had taken, that I was responsible for Mummy’s loss. I watched in dismay as he shoved me off Mummy’s loss. I watched in dismay as he shoved me off his chair. The distance between us started growing and I his chair. The distance between us started growing and I held out my hands, reaching for him. But the distance held out my hands, reaching for him. But the distance kept growing, till I could not even see his silhouette. It kept growing, till I could not even see his silhouette. It kept growing further till the dream ended.kept growing further till the dream ended.

With a flash, I woke up, astounded and worried. I wiped With a flash, I woke up, astounded and worried. I wiped the beads of perspiration that had formed on my the beads of perspiration that had formed on my forehead, and ran my fingers through my hair. What forehead, and ran my fingers through my hair. What was it that I just saw? Did it reveal the true picture of was it that I just saw? Did it reveal the true picture of my life? Had dad ever hated me? Held me responsible my life? Had dad ever hated me? Held me responsible for mother’s death? She had died of illness, by falling for mother’s death? She had died of illness, by falling too weak, I remembered that too well, even though I too weak, I remembered that too well, even though I was only seven at the time of her death. Dad had was only seven at the time of her death. Dad had always stood by my side and we grieved over her death always stood by my side and we grieved over her death together. I also remembered, however, that he had together. I also remembered, however, that he had been bitter and cold in the early days after her death. been bitter and cold in the early days after her death. But then, that was his general behavior with everyone But then, that was his general behavior with everyone at the time.at the time.

I had to find out whether all of what I saw had any bit of I had to find out whether all of what I saw had any bit of truth in it. Whether it was only a dream or it had a cold truth in it. Whether it was only a dream or it had a cold touch of reality, I had to know.touch of reality, I had to know.

With all these thoughts circling in my head, I headed to the With all these thoughts circling in my head, I headed to the dining room for breakfast. Twisting my fork and spoon around dining room for breakfast. Twisting my fork and spoon around my food, I glanced at my guardian aunt. Maybe she had the my food, I glanced at my guardian aunt. Maybe she had the right, satisfying answers to my mind-befuddling questions. But right, satisfying answers to my mind-befuddling questions. But there was no time for it now. I did not want to be late for work.there was no time for it now. I did not want to be late for work.

When I reached the office, I was told that there was not much When I reached the office, I was told that there was not much work for me today, as Ayan had some of his own work to work for me today, as Ayan had some of his own work to finish.finish.

Sitting on my seat for a while, I realized that I needed a light Sitting on my seat for a while, I realized that I needed a light breeze of fresh air to cool my cheeks, hot from all the tension. breeze of fresh air to cool my cheeks, hot from all the tension.

The office had a small garden attached to it. As I stepped in it, The office had a small garden attached to it. As I stepped in it, saw that I was the only one there. I sat on the grass, and saw that I was the only one there. I sat on the grass, and buried my face in my knees that I held tightly together with buried my face in my knees that I held tightly together with both my hands, and let a tear or two roll their way down to be both my hands, and let a tear or two roll their way down to be absorbed by my clothes. I then lifted my chin and looked up at absorbed by my clothes. I then lifted my chin and looked up at the sky to see that the Sun was hiding behind the clouds.the sky to see that the Sun was hiding behind the clouds.

Maybe it too, needed to bury it’s face to roll a tear or two Maybe it too, needed to bury it’s face to roll a tear or two that the clouds would absorb? I looked at the clouds and that the clouds would absorb? I looked at the clouds and saw how filled with water they were, ready to overflow saw how filled with water they were, ready to overflow and burst out any time. They defined my current position and burst out any time. They defined my current position so well.so well.

As I watched these objects of nature with my red eyes and As I watched these objects of nature with my red eyes and cheeks exposed to the air of the city, I felt that what I cheeks exposed to the air of the city, I felt that what I needed most was a comforting pat on the shoulder. And I needed most was a comforting pat on the shoulder. And I couldn’t be happier when it came from none other than couldn’t be happier when it came from none other than Ayan. I nearly jumped in surprise to see him there.Ayan. I nearly jumped in surprise to see him there.

“ “I have been looking for you all over!”, he said, with his I have been looking for you all over!”, he said, with his breath running short, “Didn’t expect to find you here breath running short, “Didn’t expect to find you here though.”though.”

He sat down right besides me, so close, we nearly touched. He sat down right besides me, so close, we nearly touched. I only raised my eyes to meet his, and gave no answer. He I only raised my eyes to meet his, and gave no answer. He noticed my wet eyes and immediately looked troubled. noticed my wet eyes and immediately looked troubled.

He stood up from his place and kneeled down right in front of He stood up from his place and kneeled down right in front of me, put both his hands on my shoulders, and asked me with me, put both his hands on my shoulders, and asked me with a look of pain, “You’ve been crying?”a look of pain, “You’ve been crying?”

Hesitating, I said, “No, I haven’t. I am probably just tired and Hesitating, I said, “No, I haven’t. I am probably just tired and red-eyed,” and tried moving back. But he wouldn’t budge.red-eyed,” and tried moving back. But he wouldn’t budge.

“ “Don’t lie to me, Maya! It is another thing if you are unwilling Don’t lie to me, Maya! It is another thing if you are unwilling to tell me, but it upsets me to see you like this”.to tell me, but it upsets me to see you like this”.

That was the end of my resistance. My eyes quickly filled up. I That was the end of my resistance. My eyes quickly filled up. I hugged him tight and burst into tears. He was slightly taken hugged him tight and burst into tears. He was slightly taken aback, but a few seconds later, he put his hand softly on my aback, but a few seconds later, he put his hand softly on my long, brown hair, and then placing both his hands on my long, brown hair, and then placing both his hands on my cheeks, he wiped my tears and tried comforting me.cheeks, he wiped my tears and tried comforting me.

I couldn’t hold back one word then and told him everything- I couldn’t hold back one word then and told him everything- about dad, mom, my loneliness, the dream, my questions, about dad, mom, my loneliness, the dream, my questions, everything.everything.

Everything except what I felt for him. I don’t know what Everything except what I felt for him. I don’t know what held me back that day, but it certainly was something. held me back that day, but it certainly was something. Maybe it was father’s last words,Maybe it was father’s last words,

“ “Watch out, and don’t go too far, okay?”Watch out, and don’t go too far, okay?”

But I had already gone too far. Too far to return back to But I had already gone too far. Too far to return back to my old, sorrowful life.my old, sorrowful life.

Ayan consoled me, and assured me that I would find Ayan consoled me, and assured me that I would find answers to all my questions and that I really needed to answers to all my questions and that I really needed to take care of myself.take care of myself.

Maybe he said all that as some sort of a formality, or Maybe he said all that as some sort of a formality, or because he was my colleague, maybe even as a friend. because he was my colleague, maybe even as a friend. But nothing more, that I knew.But nothing more, that I knew.

I did know, though, who could answer my questions. It I did know, though, who could answer my questions. It was my aunt. She was Dad’s cousin, and was as close to was my aunt. She was Dad’s cousin, and was as close to him as an older sister would be.him as an older sister would be.

Dad had been an only child too and his parents Dad had been an only child too and his parents passed away when he was in college. He had passed away when he was in college. He had shared his pain with aunt, and it was her who shared his pain with aunt, and it was her who formally took the proposal for mother, who at the formally took the proposal for mother, who at the time, worked at the same place as dad. Dad had time, worked at the same place as dad. Dad had loved mom from the bottom of his heart, and that loved mom from the bottom of his heart, and that was apparent to anyone who met them even once. was apparent to anyone who met them even once. So, if I really had any connection with mother’s So, if I really had any connection with mother’s death, she would know.death, she would know.

3 weeks passed, but I could not gather enough 3 weeks passed, but I could not gather enough courage to talk to her. It was now the last day of courage to talk to her. It was now the last day of work, and it was also the day when daddy died 8 work, and it was also the day when daddy died 8 years ago. I did not know if Ayan would stay in years ago. I did not know if Ayan would stay in contact with me after I left. I did not know what contact with me after I left. I did not know what would become of us, if anything at all.would become of us, if anything at all.

After breakfast, I saw aunt all alone in her room and After breakfast, I saw aunt all alone in her room and everyone else was busy. It was getting late for office, everyone else was busy. It was getting late for office, but I could not live with my agony any longer. So I finally but I could not live with my agony any longer. So I finally collected strength enough to ask her, and I did so, very collected strength enough to ask her, and I did so, very directly.directly.

“ “Was I responsible for mummy’s death?”, I asked, with a Was I responsible for mummy’s death?”, I asked, with a straight face, without twisting the topic.straight face, without twisting the topic.

She was taken aback, but once she recovered from her She was taken aback, but once she recovered from her initial shock, she looked at me as if I had discovered a initial shock, she looked at me as if I had discovered a harsh secret I was not supposed to find out.harsh secret I was not supposed to find out.

She looked away, and said, “What kind of weird questions She looked away, and said, “What kind of weird questions you ask, girl! There is no such thing! Some one has been you ask, girl! There is no such thing! Some one has been putting wrong ideas in your head again”.putting wrong ideas in your head again”.

Without meeting my gaze, she started folding the clothes Without meeting my gaze, she started folding the clothes that were already folded and properly kept in order.that were already folded and properly kept in order.

“ “Aunt?”, I said, in a softer tone.Aunt?”, I said, in a softer tone.

“ “What now?”, she asked, looking troubled.What now?”, she asked, looking troubled.

“ “Aunt, look here”Aunt, look here”

When she finally looked in my eyes, she had an expression When she finally looked in my eyes, she had an expression of pain on her face.of pain on her face.

“ “I know you are trying to hide something from me,” I I know you are trying to hide something from me,” I began, “but it is of no use. I had a dream showing me began, “but it is of no use. I had a dream showing me many thought-provoking images, and there is no many thought-provoking images, and there is no convincing me now. So please, I only want the non-sugar-convincing me now. So please, I only want the non-sugar-coated truth.”coated truth.”

“ “Alright”. She gave up. She then starting stating things, Alright”. She gave up. She then starting stating things, one after another, things I never knew of, could never one after another, things I never knew of, could never imagine.imagine.

She told me that there were severe complications because She told me that there were severe complications because of an accident mummy went through, when I was about to of an accident mummy went through, when I was about to be born. be born.

My mother had grown weaker each passing day. It was as My mother had grown weaker each passing day. It was as if I used up all her life to fill life in my own self. When I if I used up all her life to fill life in my own self. When I was born, I was a healthy child, but mummy was much was born, I was a healthy child, but mummy was much too weak a mother. too weak a mother.

Everybody had hoped that she would get better with the Everybody had hoped that she would get better with the passage of time. Temporarily, she did, but she would passage of time. Temporarily, she did, but she would often fall ill, and after I turned five, her strength started often fall ill, and after I turned five, her strength started diminishing.diminishing.

No medicines worked for her, and people started saying No medicines worked for her, and people started saying that if she would have agreed to not have me, things that if she would have agreed to not have me, things would have been different. She would have been healthy, would have been different. She would have been healthy, cheerful, and lively. cheerful, and lively.

Dad tried ignoring these comments, but when this Dad tried ignoring these comments, but when this weakness took mummy’s life, he believed it was me who weakness took mummy’s life, he believed it was me who took her life. He started behaving coldly, rudely, bitterly.took her life. He started behaving coldly, rudely, bitterly.

But I never knew that he could hate me so much, that he But I never knew that he could hate me so much, that he could not see through my innocent childish eyes the could not see through my innocent childish eyes the pain I felt when I cried myself to sleep every night.pain I felt when I cried myself to sleep every night.

After some time passed, however, and mom became a After some time passed, however, and mom became a thing of the past for most people, was when dad started thing of the past for most people, was when dad started viewing me as his beloved daughter, his wife’s last viewing me as his beloved daughter, his wife’s last sign, as the poor child who had lost her most precious sign, as the poor child who had lost her most precious asset, who needed care, affection, and attention. And asset, who needed care, affection, and attention. And once he realized this, he put aside even his own once he realized this, he put aside even his own sadness and dedicated himself to make me happy, to sadness and dedicated himself to make me happy, to make my life worthy of living, to fill it with joy and make my life worthy of living, to fill it with joy and colours of happiness, but only to replace it with sorrow colours of happiness, but only to replace it with sorrow again, by leaving this world once and for all.again, by leaving this world once and for all.

“ “By leaving this world once and for all,” the thought By leaving this world once and for all,” the thought circled in my head, and I left with a heavy heart. circled in my head, and I left with a heavy heart.

I had my questions answered, but I knew I would take a lot I had my questions answered, but I knew I would take a lot of time before getting better. There was one person, of time before getting better. There was one person, however, who could make me feel better instantly. Just the however, who could make me feel better instantly. Just the thought of him was enough to bring a bright smile on my thought of him was enough to bring a bright smile on my face.face.

Office hours were nearly over, but it was my last day, so of Office hours were nearly over, but it was my last day, so of course, I had to go.course, I had to go.

With a fast-beating heart, I opened the door and rolled my With a fast-beating heart, I opened the door and rolled my gaze over to find Ayan. Sure, I saw him. But not how I gaze over to find Ayan. Sure, I saw him. But not how I wanted to see him, how I saw him everyday. I wanted to wanted to see him, how I saw him everyday. I wanted to see him sitting on his chair, looking up at me and smiling as see him sitting on his chair, looking up at me and smiling as I enter, making space for me, inviting me to sit besides I enter, making space for me, inviting me to sit besides him.him.

But today, I saw him in a corner, holding hands with a pretty But today, I saw him in a corner, holding hands with a pretty girl aged around 27, surrounded by a group of people, girl aged around 27, surrounded by a group of people, smiling and laughing, as Ayan and Sofia’s wedding smiling and laughing, as Ayan and Sofia’s wedding invitation card revolved round the office. invitation card revolved round the office.

He was laughing his same hearty laugh, smiling his same He was laughing his same hearty laugh, smiling his same polite smile, making his dimples look more visible and polite smile, making his dimples look more visible and beautiful than ever. But the smile was not for me. It had beautiful than ever. But the smile was not for me. It had never been for me. It was all only in my head. It had never been for me. It was all only in my head. It had always been only in my head. always been only in my head.

And with this, I walked out of the door, running down the And with this, I walked out of the door, running down the staircase, wiping the tears that had already started staircase, wiping the tears that had already started forming in my eyes. I marched quickly- marched past the forming in my eyes. I marched quickly- marched past the guard I had never forgotten to greet, past the garden I had guard I had never forgotten to greet, past the garden I had never forgotten to stop by and adore, past the fountain I never forgotten to stop by and adore, past the fountain I had never forgotten to clasp my hands into, and past all had never forgotten to clasp my hands into, and past all the cars that violently honked their horns at me as I walked the cars that violently honked their horns at me as I walked blindly towards nowhere. I kept walking. For hours, I kept blindly towards nowhere. I kept walking. For hours, I kept walking, not even stopping to drink water, till I finally walking, not even stopping to drink water, till I finally arrived near a small, calm pond in the evening when the arrived near a small, calm pond in the evening when the sky was changing it’s colours, and the Sun was getting sky was changing it’s colours, and the Sun was getting ready to shine elsewhere in the big, wide world.ready to shine elsewhere in the big, wide world.

I sat on a bench, surrounded by birds. Birds that chirped, I sat on a bench, surrounded by birds. Birds that chirped, that sang, that fought against each other, and birds that sang, that fought against each other, and birds that peacefully drank water and bathed in the pond. that peacefully drank water and bathed in the pond. Birds that looked scared and hungry, and birds that Birds that looked scared and hungry, and birds that looked happy and contented.looked happy and contented.

I watched the birds for some time, but soon, even they I watched the birds for some time, but soon, even they left me, for the bright, pleasant day had ended and the left me, for the bright, pleasant day had ended and the cold, merciless night was beginning. I sat there, still, cold, merciless night was beginning. I sat there, still, numb, and feeling-less.numb, and feeling-less.

I wanted to cry, but I didn’t have the heart to feel the I wanted to cry, but I didn’t have the heart to feel the mountain of pain that had been dropped onto me, to mountain of pain that had been dropped onto me, to crush me under the weight.crush me under the weight.

But the night soon grew darker and then I began to feel. But the night soon grew darker and then I began to feel.

I felt Ayan’s hands on my face, acting as my only ray of I felt Ayan’s hands on my face, acting as my only ray of light in a world of darkness.light in a world of darkness.

I felt Dad’s arms holding me, acting as my cover of I felt Dad’s arms holding me, acting as my cover of protection, as the real image of my castle in the air.protection, as the real image of my castle in the air.

I felt mom’s hands lovingly forming small bites for me, I felt mom’s hands lovingly forming small bites for me, that care giving me more health and nutrition than the that care giving me more health and nutrition than the small bites of food.small bites of food.

I felt the cool breezes of wind that blew on my face when I felt the cool breezes of wind that blew on my face when the Sun hid itself in it’s cover of soft clouds.the Sun hid itself in it’s cover of soft clouds.

And then, I felt mummy’s eyes weakening, her face And then, I felt mummy’s eyes weakening, her face turning smaller, till it diminished forever.turning smaller, till it diminished forever.

I felt for myself, the hatred father never showed me in all I felt for myself, the hatred father never showed me in all the years we spent together.the years we spent together.

I felt my heart burning in large malicious flames upon I felt my heart burning in large malicious flames upon seeing my only possession in the hands of someone else.seeing my only possession in the hands of someone else.

I felt lonely again. Tired. Frustrated. Lonely.I felt lonely again. Tired. Frustrated. Lonely.

I felt this darkness crawling inside me, shattering me in I felt this darkness crawling inside me, shattering me in a million tiny pieces.a million tiny pieces.

I felt this night taking over me, till all I could see was I felt this night taking over me, till all I could see was black. Just dark, cruel, silent black.black. Just dark, cruel, silent black.

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