37. his xmas

1. H.I.S.-tory by Vince Ciotti 2011 H.I.S. Professionals, LLC Episode # 37:XMAS at the Vendors

Since its the holiday season, lets take a break from all this high tech & business stuff to look at thehumanside of HIS vendors.

How various HIS vendors celebrate Xmas through

PARTIES !

Yes, despite the bottom-line profit motivation and 90-day earnings-per-share pressures, vendors are extremely old-fashioned when it comes to Xmas, and their parties reflect their culture. The vendor Xmas parties I remember most fondly were:

McAuto an office open house where you took the kids.

HIS Inc. families too, where my son first played video games!

But there is one vendor in particular where no one would dare think of bringing their kids to the wildest Xmas parties of all!

Indeed, some thought twice about bringing their spouses to:

Way back in 1969, SMS first year, the firm was still pretty small (under 50 FTEs), and there was no Xmas tradition yet

We were all based in King of Prussia (only 1 regional office in LA), so when a Xmas party was announced, it dreweveryone !

It was heldat the Valley Forge Tavern (which later blew up when a boiler exploded!) in KOP, our favorite watering hole for lunch, and in late Dec., SMS rented out the whole joint for the party.

Pictured on the left are two young IDs couples decked out in their finest:

-Me & my unfortunate wife Judy

- Virgil Scott & his lovely wife Carolyn

These wereactualperiod clothes, not costumes! 3-piece suits were just coming into fashion back then

VP John Marshall picked up the mike and gave out Xmas presents/awards to our two founders:

Jim Macaleer , our President, was given a gift for the Longest Hair Award a little odd as you can see by his distinctly non-hirsute appearance!He proceeded to unwrap the package onlyto find acombinside. Silence reigned in the hall

Harvey Wilson , Sr. VP and sharp dresser, next got a gift for the Loudest Tie Award a pair ofscissors,which John removed from the box and then used to cut Harveys tie in half! Everyone roared

We all expected the worst, but Jim & Harvey just joined in the laughter, enjoying the jokes & banter.

Johns daring sense of humor started me thinking

One of the most popular TV shows back then was the Dean Martin Roast series, in which a bunch of stars & comics sat behind a long table and took turns giving mock tributes to one of their peers, who became the object of the insults & nasty jokes.

After being soundly roasted, the poor target was then given the mike, and he/she lashed back at the roasters, usually giving as many mean/funny insults as they received, many even nastier

So my warped brain dreamed up a theme for a later Xmas party in K of P, a few years later, after SMS had grown to over 100 FTEs.

One day, I approached Big Jim with the idea of a group of us mimicking Deano, and roasting him at our upcoming Xmas party

(remember, I wasveryyoung and evendumberat the time...)

Knowing that Big Jim would probably be the recipient of some pretty barbed wise-cracks (especially from his younger brother Terry who I had on the dais),

I tried to salvage what might be left of my career by giving Jim a book I had found chock full of insults.

I even gave him a list of the Top 10 to use on us

I dont know how many of todays image-conscious CEOs would have acquiesced to being roasted in front of their entire firm, but Big Jim was never one to shy from a fight, and to my amazement, he agreed! He kept the Little Book of Insults & my top 10 list

So as the night of the Xmas party rolled around, I assembled a dais of fellow King-Of-Prussians who also has sufficient chutzpah ( and lack of intelligence) to dare to insult the man our president

(from lefty to right on the photo on the following page):

Jack Gontarz Admin. Mgr., in charge of keeping the lights on

John Marshall VP of Marketing and our Master of Ceremonies

Yours Truly looking every bit the weird hippie freak I was

Big Jim smiling in advance of his chance to play it for tat!

Bill Bardwell a super-smart programming manager

Terry Macaleer Jims younger brother, famous for being his wise-cracking ways even in supposedly formal settings

It may not look as posh as Dean Martins roast, but we sure had the audiences attention as one after another, we started to dig into our poor President with some of the nastiest insults imaginable.

One after another, we ripped into Jim big-time, assailing his:

Consideration for calling meetings at 6PM on Fridays

Wide variety of shirts (white), ties (blue) and shoes (wing-tip)

Willingness to hear the other side (before saying Hell no!)

Terry Macaleer was absolutely the nastiest, digging up stories from their childhood that would have made their mother cringe!

Through it all, Jim joined in the laughter as we all shot our wads, and then he took the rostrum and proceeded to give even better than he got! Apparently, he got the names of our roasters beforehand, and did some through homework on our foibles.

Surprisingly, he didnt use any of the insults from the little book I had given him, but instead hit each one hard with his own digs.

Until he got to me:then,he unleashed the very nastiest insults from the very book that I had given him to use on the others!

No one else in the company knew the inside joke, as Jim hit me with the very Top 10 list of insults I had given him to use on everyone else. Some of the best (or is it worst?):

A demitasse would fit your head like a sombrero.

A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

He saved this nastiest one for last.

(By way of background, I was the Education Manager at the time, responsible for training new IDs (Installation Directors) & clients in the minutia of the SHAS system; add that to my obnoxious know-it-all personality and youll get the point)

Vince Ciotti: there but for the grace of God, goes God!

The audienceroared , while I shrunk very low in my chair

Entertainment & Humor

37. his xmas