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The presentation is an exposition on the effectiveness of assertive behavior and communication vis a vis less effective and potentially destructive behavior such as aggression, passivity and passive aggression. A simple model of learning the art of assertive communication is presented. The presentation provides opportunity for personal reflection on one's tendency towards either assertive or non-assertive behavior and communication.
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Understand and Master ASSERTIVENESS [1]
Skills For Success in Life Series
Facilitator
Sylvia Icharia
1
There is only one parking space You are next in line just about to move in A motorist appears from nowhere and
bulldozes you out of the way and into the space
What would you do?
Picture this ...........
2
• Your workmate repeatedly requests
you to help them with their work
• You have too much to do as it is
How would you respond?
How about this……
3
• You are at the ATM lobby
• You are third in a queue of about eight people
• Someone walks in right to the front and takes
the next turn What would you do?
Now picture this……….
4
What do you think this guy would do?
5
Four Reactions
My
1] Bulldozers
3] Pretend doormats
4] Pillars
2] Door-mats
6
Four Behaviors
My
1)Aggressive
3) Passive Aggressive
4) Assertive
2) Passive Bulldozers
Door-mats
Pretend Door-mats
Pillars 7
How dare you
annoy me?
Attacks Directly
Aggressive Behavior
I WIN
8
My
I would not dare annoy
you
Avoids or gives in
YOU WIN
9
Passive Aggressive Behavior
3) The pretend doormat Never mind. It is okay.
I am not annoyed.
Attacks indirectly
I will get
you!!!
Since I can’t win this I will not let you win 10
4) The pillar Let us talk about this issue please
Win –Win 11
AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR (Bull-dozers)
Get what they want at the expense of others
Express their needs and wants freely
Don’t regard the feelings of others highly
Intimidating behaviour
Blame others
They make others feel: Angry Afraid Hurt Resentful 12
PASSIVE BEHAVIOR
(Door Mats) Little regard for their own rights Respect other people’s rights more Avoid conflict People pleasers Easily taken advantage of Others make choices for them Self blame
They make others feel Frustrated Guilty Superior
13
PASSIVE - AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR
(The Pretend Door-mat)
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE
Appear calm and detached BUT Harbor aggressive emotions
Allow their rights to be violated
AND Violate the rights of others
Appear innocent or helpless
BUT Behaviour always has a vicious edge
Manipulative
Guilt-tripping
14
PASSIVE – AGGRESSION (The Pretend Door-mat)
Sulking The silent treatment (Nil By Mouth) Behave like a victim/ exaggerate misfortunes Silent stubbornness Sarcastic Wilful incompetence/learned helplessness Deliberate stalling/ delay Chronic forgetfulness Withholding Gossiping Sabotage efforts of others
They make others feel: Suspicious Frustrated Angry Cheated
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Striking the balance…
16
ASSERTIVENESS
The ability to express your feelings and needs clearly without feeling angry or anxious
17
Communicating directly and honestly without disregarding the other person’s needs or intentionally hurting their feelings
Passivity Aggression
ASSERTIVENESS
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Benefits of Assertiveness Enhances mutual understanding Fosters mutual respect Reduces conflicts and arguments Nurtures synergy Enhances sense of control Boosts self confidence Decreases guilt and increases satisfaction
19
Nurtures long-term mutually satisfying relationships
Assertive Management
Why? Managing people and situations assertively will: Increase morale Enhance productivity Earn you respect (not fear or scorn)
20
Becoming Assertive
Can you find a happy balance between the two extremes?
PASSIVITY AGGRESSION
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IT IS A SKILL THAT YOU CAN LEARN
Can you communicate your needs and
feelings honestly and
constructively?
It is an art
Mastering Assertive Communication WHY???
It increases your competence in communication
You become more influential It enhance your problem solving capacity
You draw people closer to yourself
You enjoy a long and rewarding career as you work much better with others
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Mastering Assertive Communication
HOW??? 5 simple steps :
1) Describe 2) Disclose 3) Identify effects 4) Be silent 5) Paraphrase
You are growing increasingly frustrated with Jane’s continued
lateness at the weekly staff meetings How can you can communicate this message assertively using
the method outlined above? 23
Illustration
Mastering Assertive Communication
Action You says Jane says Rationale DESCRIBE Describe how you view
the situation I have noticed that you are usually 15 minutes late to our weekly staff meetings.
It helps build empathy
It helps avoid a
lengthy and potentially critical or aggressive speech about the other person's unjust treatment
DISCLOSE Let the other person know how you feel about the situation you have described.
I feel as if you don't take our weekly meetings seriously.
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Mastering Assertive Communication Action You say Jane says Rationale IDENTIFY EFFECTS
State the effects of the other person's behavior on you or others
When you are late it disrupts our meeting
Helps the other person understand where you are coming from
BE SILENT Wait for a response [Non-assertive people find this step hard]
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was creating a problem. I have another meeting that usually goes overtime
Gives the other person an opportunity to respond and be heard
25
Mastering Assertive Communication Action You say Jane says Rationale PARAPHRASE Reflect your
understanding of two things: i)the content of the message ii)the implied feelings
So, your challenge is a time conflict with another meeting. Trying to do two things at once must make you feel frustrated
It establishes an empathic connection between both parties
The Goal: Establishing an empathetic connection Why? It becomes easier to explore a workable solution once the other party senses
your goodwill towards them Psychologically, the other person does not feel the need to be defensive
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What if the other person’s response is evasive or aggressive???
Just go through the steps again
BUT………………….
Keep Your Emotions In Check
ALWAYS
27
Broken Record TECHNIQUE
The Verbal Language
Speak calmly and confidently
Avoid excessive vocal intensity (don’t yell or whisper)
Use “I” rather than “you” statements
Don’t apologize for the message
Don’t blame or judge the other person
Do not be afraid to say “no” respectfully
Avoid sarcasm or rudeness
Speak respectfully at all times
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The Body Language
Keep an upright but relaxed posture
Make good eye contact
Keep your gestures relaxed, fluid and moderate
Breathe normally and don’t hold your breath
Keep your face relaxed
Ensure that your facial expression and does not contradict your verbal message e.g. smiling to soften the blow
29
Assertiveness in Action ………
Assertive communication is easier said than done True or false???
30
The Over-riding Principle
Honor Honor Begets
When you show other people honor, they are more positive, receptive and
agreeable towards you 31
Two Questions 1) What is your default mode?
2) What are you building?
Bridges Walls or
32
In concl Let us build bridges…
not walls. (Martin Luther King, JR.)
33