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Workshops for Parents from November 2010
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CLIQUES & LONERS:SOCIAL LIVES OF GIRLS AND BOYSASIJ ES PFG November 4, 2010
We’ll start this morning with a quick warm-up to help us connect with others in the room: If a statement applies to you, stand up and say, “Like Me!”Example: “I am a parent of an ASIJ student.”
Who’s “Like Me”?
Comparing Friendships in Girls and BoysComparing Moms and DadsDo I Intervene or Ride It Out?How to Intervene and Empower Children
Today’s Agenda
It’s A Boy: Your Son’s Development from Birth to Age 18, Michael Thompson, Ph. D.
Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters, JoAnn Deak, Ph. D.
Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence, Rosalind Wiseman
Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children, Michael Thompson, Ph. D.
Raising Your Spirited Child, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, Rachel Simmons
You’re Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, Deborah Tannen
References
Comparing Girls and Boys
Comparing Girls and Boys
Girls, Ages 3-6 Interactive play Beginning to experiment Beginning to notice how others
respond to them Beginning to share, work
together Emotive and talkative
Comparing Girls and Boys
Boys, Ages 3-5 “Nature’s little action figure” Strong imaginative play Still balancing emotional
control with language development
“Why?” – trying to balance right vs. wrong
Identify strongly with the group
Comparing Girls and Boys
Girls, Ages 6-8 Friendships are more transitory, fluid Trying out every type of person Figuring out what she likes and
doesn’t like Finding out what she values in
people Excel in fine motor (writing, drawing)
and gross motor activities involving movement and balance (skipping)
Comparing Girls and Boys
Boys, Ages 5-7 Not much talk about ‘best friends’ Identity as a boy becomes
solidified – boy things vs. girl things, potty humor
More and more defined by athletic ability (or lack of it)
Group rules more clear – no playing with girls, cooperate in group projects
Lots of competition and comparing
Comparing Girls and Boys
Girls, Ages 8-10 Friendships begin to cluster (not
quite cliques yet) Cluster groups begin to reduce
in size Groups are small enough to get
to know each other better Beginning of real relationship
Comparing Girls and Boys
Boys, Ages 8-10 Mostly playing exclusively with boys Boys live for each other’s company Boys want to master what is important
to them and be recognized by friends Starting to depend on friends for
support Less likely to take problems to adults Beginning to appreciate the difference
between accidental and intentional
Comparing Girls and Boys
Girls, Ages 10-12 Best friends emerge It really hurts if things don’t go well Some girls continue to appreciate all
kinds of people, and continue to keep their social net wide open
Some girls will have crushes on boys Girls start thinking about what is
beautiful, what it means to be “nice”
Comparing Girls and Boys
Boys, Ages 11- 13 Time of great change, insecurity Trying to figure out their
identity Mood swings Increased cruelty between boys Groups of boys tend to engage
in more antisocial behavior Smaller, closer groups of friends
provide more security, safety
Considering this information, what might be some new ideas for you regarding your daughters’ or sons’ friendships?
Turn and Talk
Comparing Moms and Dads
Moms
To a daughter, moms are the benchmark for what it means to be a female.
To a son, mothers are the center of the world.
Boys don’t have the same need for a best friend as their mom did as a child.
Moms have a lower tolerance for typical ‘boy behavior’.
Moms are more emotionally in tune with their children.
Dads
Dads frequently feel like the ‘back-up’ parent.
Dads use more controlling discipline (size, voice, etc.)
Dads tend to take routine boy behavior in stride.
Dads tend not to rush to the side of their son to comfort them.
Do I Intervene or Ride It Out?
Do I Intervene or Ride It Out? Is it a BIG Deal or a little Deal?
BIG deals are when someone is hurt, something is broken or something is dangerous. Luckily, BIG deals don’t happen too often.
Most of what happens between friends would be considered little deals. We need to let our children try to resolve little deals on their own before we jump in.
How To Intervene & Empower
How to Intervene & Empower Listen to your child. Know your child (interests, personality,
temperament, tendencies, styles, patterns). Connect with your child. Interact not react. Keep what you want for your child in line
with who they are. Listen to your instincts. Trust your gut. Concentrate on your own child(ren). Take time to calm down – don’t panic.
How to Intervene & Empower Interview for coping and strategies
rather than interviewing for pain.“I’m sorry that someone hurt your feelings today. When that happened, what did you do? How do you feel that worked? What are other strategies you might try if that happened again? Who else could help us with this problem?”
vs. “How did it go with (insert enemy’s name here)? Did he/she say anything mean to you today? Did he/she let you play? Did you have the same problem? Did you have any other problems? Do you think it will happen again tomorrow? I’ll ask you after school how things went.”
How to Intervene & Empower Examine your own values, beliefs and
feelings. Communicate these to your child.
Be proactive. Communicate expectations and consequences.
Be consistent. Talk to someone at school – not other
parents.
How to Intervene & Empower Examine your parenting style.
Where do you fall on the continuum?Disconnection Synergy
Enmeshment
To understand the “girl world”, think about: *Where and when does she feel comfortable and with whom?*Who does she go to for advice?*What common things can ruin her day or make her feel on top of the world?
What questions might you have regarding girls’ and boys’ friendships?
Q & A
We appreciate you making the effort to join us for today’s PFG!
Thank you for your time!