T˙ Lon˘n Stan˚rd01 MAR 2016

Third Time

Unlucky Local

Killer Strikes

Again

By POLLY PRITCHARD AND

JESS FAREY

At 1157 on Monday night, the po-lice were called to the scene of a homi-cide, in the backstreets of the Isling-ton district.

The body has since been for-mally identified as that of AmeliaJane Green, an 18 year old student.Her family are yet to release herstatement, however friends have com-mented on the tragic loss. "I justcan’t believe that she’s gone, she hadsuch a bright future ahead of her andI’ll miss her so much", Thomas Luckposted on Facebook.

Murdered at least three hours ear-lier by having her eyes gauged outwhile still alive, the death resemblesthose of of Rebecca Maynard andLewis Lochhead within the last twomonths in the Soho area. Both aresurvived by their children and respec-tive partners. Police are now treatingthis as a serial killer.

PC Boris Greenbank has releaseda statement appealing for anyonewith any information to come for-wards, and warning locals to staysafe, especially at night.

Reuters

International

Moose Count

Underway

By BOB O’BOBSTON

The UN-sponsored InternationalMoose Census got off to a flyingstart today with hopes for an increasein the worldwide moose populationcompared to last year’s disapointingfigures. Among the traditional earlyreporters were Egypt, returning fig-ures of six moose, a twenty percentincrease on 2011’s figures of five, andUruguay whose moose population re-mains stable at eleven.

According to Robbie McRobson,head of the UN Moose Preserva-tion Council, worldwide moose num-bers are expected to grow markedlyon last year due to the traditionalmoose strongholds of Canada and theUnited States, with the larger de-veloping moose ecologies also poisedto make gains. The largest percent-agege increase in moose will likelycome from China”, says McRobson,The Chinese government has investedheavily in moose infrastructure overthe past decade, and their committ-ment to macrofauna is beginning topay dividends”. Since 2004 China hasexpanded moose pasture from 1.5%of arable land to nearly 3.648% andmoose numbers are expected to riseto 60,000 making China a net mooseexporter for the first time. This isgood news for neighbouring Mongo-lia, a barren moose-wasteland whoseinhabitents nonetheless have an insa-tiable desire for the creatures. The in-crease in Beijing-Ulanbataar trade isanticipated to relieve pressure on therelatively strained Russian suppliers,but increase Mongolia’s imbalance oftrade with its larger neighbour.

Historically the only competitorto China in the far eastern moosemarkets has been Singapore but thetiny island nation is set to report anet loss, expecting a decrease of morethan five percent on last year’s 50,000

moose counted. The head of Singa-pore’s Agency for Agriculture, Jing-Feng Lau, explained to an incredu-lous Singaporean parliament yester-day that bad weather had contributedto this season’s poor showing, mostnotably when a cargo of 150 moosewere swept out into the Indian oceanin a monsoon.

Yet again the global demand formoose will be met largely by theUS and Canada. The recession-hitStates is taking comfort in its moosegrowth figures with gross productionexpected to break 700,000 and net ex-ports to grow by 2%. The worldwidedominance of Canada shows no signsof abating though with this year’smoose population expected to matchlast year’s record figures of one hun-dred million billion.

Europe’s rise as an internationalmoose power will slow slightly thisyear as a response to the EuropeanUnion’s move towards standardisingthe European moose. Stringent qual-ity controls are holding back the de-velopment of the eastern europeanpopulations compared to last yearwhen they contributed significantlyto europe’s strong growth figures.Norway, which is not an EU memberbut has observer status, strengthedin numbers relative to the Euro areawith numbers of Norweigian moose,known locally as elk” expected to risefor the tenth consecutive year, partic-ularly thanks to a strong showing inthe last quarter.

As moose season reaches its close,researchers world wide are turning toscience in an attempt to boost nextyear’s figures. NASA stunned thescientific community today with theannouncment of their discovery thatthe moon is significantly smaller thanpreviously believed. This conclusion,which is the conclusion of a ten-year collaborative project, will haveprofound implications for the moosecommunity as the gravitational fieldis now known to be of the rightstrength to support moose in orbit.

According to John Johnson, head

The London Standard 01 MAR 2016 2

of the NASA Moon Sizing Experi-ment the first delivery of moose intolow moon orbit could be achieved asearly as the third quarter of next year.The technology to nurture moose inspace is available now”, he said, ”allthat is needed is political will”.

Granny wins

World Wrestling

Championship

By ROY MCROYSTON

Records were smashed inNicaragua’s World Wrestling Cham-pionship last night as 78-year-oldMaud Johnson, grandmother of five,became the first woman for fifty-sixyears, and the oldest competitor ever,to claim the gold medal. She walkedaway with her million dollar share ofthe prize money, runner up TommyThompson from Nigeria taking half amillion, and third place New Zealan-der John Smith receiving a warmhandshake from the umpire.

Having started the tournament arank outsider she began to impressin her second match when she tookUS number three Ron Ronson by sur-prise and subdued him in twenty sec-onds with her unique move that hasbeen dubbed "Maud’s Death Grip".

The injection of a new wrestling styleinto the tournament was welcomedby spectators and Johnson’s pre- andpost-match breakdances have provedentertaining to fans. However, shewas still not expected to win inround three last Wednesday, facingoff against title-holder Paulo "Spine-Snapper" Lutti, of Vatican City. Un-derdog Johnson was soon showing herworth with stamina and agility easilymatching last year’s winner. Lutti’sexperience paid off initially as he tookthe first two rounds, but as John-son became more confident her su-perior strength came to the fore andshe clawed back two rounds to takethe contest into a decider. By thistime Lutti’s body language indicatedthat he already felt overawed by thepretender to his crown, and the new-comer took advantage of this to en-gage a mutual headlock which sheheld for three hours until the Vat-ican man retired from exhaustion.The next seven matches were barelya contest as the news of Johnson’ssupremacy overawed all her oppo-nents who became too indimidated tofight properly.

Nigerian Tommy Thompson isalso a relative newcomer to thewrestling scene, but with his 210lbframe he was expected to fare wellagainst Johnson who weighs in atonly 90lb. However Johnson’s litheand slender, some would say scrawny,figure belies her agility and strength

which she demonstrated by holdingThompson above her head severaltimes during the bout and throwinghim into the crowd once. With thescores tied at 2-2 time ran out and thecontest went to a panel of judges to beassessed. They awarded Thompson aC grade whilst Johnson received anA, becoming the first grandmother toever win the title.

The new champion explained hersuccess as the result of a strict train-ing regimen instituted by her coachand grandson five-year-old SammyJohnson. "I’ve been drinking tenraw eggs for breakfast every morning,sprinting fifty miles a day and carry-ing my daughter’s car to the end ofthe road and back whenever I felt myarthritis was OK" she said. Sammyadded "I always knew she could doit. She’s my grandma.". The young-ster is also her manager and has re-portedly arranged sponsorship dealswhich will dwarf her one million dol-lar prize fund. Her new contract withheadband designer Nike alone is setto earn her fourteen billion dollarsover the next year. She will also bepromoting Tupperware, Halliburton,the Republic of Macedonia, and GalaBingo. Her continued participation inthe sport is not assured as she wantsto spend more time on her bungee-jumping business, and knitting. Ev-eryone here at the World Champi-onships, however, hopes for her re-turn.