Relational Maintenance

What is it, how should we do it, & when do we do it?

What is more important?

Turning Points• Major events• Holidays• Proposals• Major Conflicts

Everyday Talk• Day-to-day greetings

• Task Sharing• Relational speak

VS.

John Gottman

The Love Lab

Relational Satisfaction

• What factors do you think lead to relational satisfaction?– Time?• Problem – do we love each other over time or do we

love each other so we stay together longer…

– Positivity?– Comfort?

Relational Maintenance

• 4 Definitions– Keeping relationships in existence (save it)– Keeping relationships in a specific state (status quo)– Keep relationship satisfactory (always improve)– Keep relationship in repair (scheduled maintenance)

Pro-Social

Trust, Closeness, & Liking

Anti-Social

Negative relational affect

Activity

• In groups, come up with two examples for each maintenance behavior.

• Discuss both the benefits and the problems with these specific behaviors.

Strategic vs. Routine Maintenance

Modality

Take out a sheet of paper….

• Write down the following:– Face-to-face– Phone– Text– Email– Facebook

Question 1

• For each medium, rank each on a scale of 1-10 (1=inappropriate, 10=appropriate) according to the following scenario.

• Announcing to your closest friends that you have just got engaged.

Question 2

• For each medium, rank each on a scale of 1-10 (1=inappropriate, 10=appropriate) according to the following scenario.

• You want to tell your significant other that you have just been offered a lucrative job in Germany.

Question 3

• For each medium, rank each on a scale of 1-10 (1=inappropriate, 10=appropriate) according to the following scenario.

• You want to let your co-workers know about a baby shower for another co-worker.

Question 4

• For each medium, rank each on a scale of 1-10 (1=inappropriate, 10=appropriate) according to the following scenario.

• You want to wish an old high school acquaintance a happy birthday.

Media Richness

Can we maintain relationships via ONLY Computer Mediated Communication?

Four types of Relationships

• Virtual online only• Pinocchio meet online 1st, but meet f2f later• Cyber-immigrant meet f2f 1st, but meet

online later• Real world only f2f

The Honeymoon Stage

AKA – The Vomit Stage

The Honeymoon Stage

• When does this happen?– Initial stages of a relationship.– After major turning points.• Weddings, first move in, first holiday

– After long periods of absence.• Military deployments

• When does it end?– First conflict.– Typically no more than 2 weeks.

Military Homecoming

What causes decreases to relational satisfaction?

What causes decreases to relational satisfaction?

1. Inefficient Communication2. Unbalanced decision making3. Sexual compatibility4. Uneven division of labor5. Time spent with spouse6. Time spent with friends

Same-Sex Relationships

What maintenance behaviors are important for maintaining same-sex friendships?

Just Friends…

What does it mean to be “just friends?”

What challenges do we experience when we are “just friends?

• Emotional Challenge– We struggle with the notion that these feelings of

love are not “romantic” love.• Sexual Challenge– Studies show that up to 50% of cross-sex friends

reported some sort of sexual attraction.• Public Presentation– People always assume that the two of you are

romantically involved.

RELATIONAL DIALECTICS Leslie Baxter’s

Three Major Types of TensionsIntegration Certainty Expression

Internal Manifestations

(Tensions expressed within the relationships)

Connection vs.

Autonomy

Predictability vs.

Novelty

Openness vs.

Closedness

External Manifestations

(Tensions expressed about external relationships)

Inclusion vs.

Seclusion

Conventionality vs.

Uniqueness

Revelation vs.

Concealment

Three Major Types of TensionsIntegration Certainty Expression

Internal Manifestations

(Tensions expressed within the relationships)

Connection vs.

Autonomy

Predictability vs.

Novelty

Openness vs.

Closedness

External Manifestations

(Tensions expressed about external relationships)

Inclusion vs.

Seclusion

Conventionality vs.

Uniqueness

Revelation vs.

Concealment

Three Major Types of TensionsIntegration Certainty Expression

Internal Manifestations

(Tensions expressed within the relationships)

Connection vs.

Autonomy

Predictability vs.

Novelty

Openness vs.

Closedness

External Manifestations

(Tensions expressed about external relationships)

Inclusion vs.

Seclusion

Conventionality vs.

Uniqueness

Revelation vs.

Concealment

Managing the Tensions

• Selection– We simply choose one side of the tension

• Separation– Favor each side depending on the situation

• Neutralization– Never fully favor either side

• Reframing– Discuss how the tensions compliment each other

Next time…