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Habit #5 seven habits of highly effective peoples

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Group Members• Ahsan Butt (153)• Awais Ali (171)• Abdul Rehman (132)• Faraz Kashif (163)• Murawat Riaz (140)

Seek First To Understand Then To Be Understood

Habit 5th

Revising the Seven habitsHabit 1 : Be Proactivefreedom to choose (take action and be responsible)

Habit 2 : Begin with the end in mindconsciously plan out and visualize your actions

Habit 3: Put First things FirstOrganize and execute your priorities

Habit 4 : Think win-winrespect (in negotiation, seek solutions that help both yourself and the other person)

Habit 5: Seek first to understand then to be

understood

Listen!Be emphatic: Someone is daring to share their thoughts and beliefs with you.

‘’Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the

intent to reply’’

Mistaking talking for listening

When you often give one of the following replies when talking to someone, you are probably doing anything but listening:

•“Oh, I know exactly how you feel.”

Five types of listeningCovey distinguishes between five types

of listening (or pretending to listen).• Ignoring: not really listening at all.• Pretending: humming along while not really following.• Selective listening: hearing what you want to hear.• Attentive listening: paying attention to the words.• Empathic listening: intending to understand what the other is trying

to communicate.

Empathic listening is not about agreeing with the other (showing sympathy). It is about understanding what

message the other is trying to convey. It is the only form of true listening.

What you should NOT do

• Evaluate: do not immediately let the other know whether you agree or disagree.• Probe: do not keep asking questions and investigating.• Advise: do not purely based on your personal experiences.• Interpret: do not try to define the motives of the behavior based on

your personal experience.

STEPS FOR EMPATHIC LISTENING

. Listen carefully to the speaker’s messages, both verbal and nonverbal

Display an open, caring posture

Consider the speaker’s emotional state

Calmly reflect back what you perceive the speaker’s feelings and meaning to be

BEHAVIOURS TO AVOID

×Questioning or Probing

×Judging

×Criticizing

×Advising

×Interrupting

EMPATHIC LISTENING TIPS

• Be interested in the speaker

• Have good eye contact and body language

• Minimize distraction(if you worried)

• Invite the speaker to expand on his or her thoughts

• Respond in a tone that is appropriate for the situation

Points to Remember

Empathic listening is about the speaker, not the listenerIt is not necessary to use empathic listening during an

entire conversation; it is primarily a way to understand another person’s point of view

no matter who you are, where you live, or what your religion –“ empathetic listener,” known to mankind

Diagnose Before You Prescribe

We often prescribe before making a proper diagnosis when communicating. We should first take the time to deeply understand the problems presented to us. Although it’s risky and hard, seek first to understand, or diagnose before you prescribe , is a correct principle manifest in many areas of life. If you don’t have confidence in the diagnose, you won’t have confidence in the prescription.

EXAMPLES

An effective sales person first seeks to understand the needs, the concerns,

the situation of the customer. The professionals learn how to diagnose,

how to understand. He also learns how to relate people’s needs to his

products and services. As in order to influence, you need to be influenced.

CONT’DDiagnosing before you prescribe is also FUNDAMENTAL TO LAW. The professional lawyers first gather the facts to understand the situation, the laws and precedents, before preparing the case.

A good lawyer almost writes the opposing case before he writes his own.

CONT’DDiagnose to prescribe is also true in PRODUCT DESIGN. A good engineer will understand the forces, the stresses at work, before designing the bridge. A

good teacher will assess the class before teaching. A good student will understand before he applies.

Cont’dThe quality of our relationships also requires practicing the principle of "diagnose before prescribe." In our families, among our friends and at work, we usually don't really listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply. Especially under stressful circumstances, when discussing complex issues with our loved ones, the way we "listen" is to "prescribe before diagnosing." We jump to conclusions, attack the speaker's views and defend our own conclusions before really deeply understanding. We interrupt with our own commentary, complete the speaker's sentences, jump to agreement or disagreement, give advice and ask probing questions that the speaker may really not want to answer.

Cont’d

The key to good judgment is effective understanding. We must first understand the problem before we can effectively address the solution.

Cont’d

Seek first to understand is a correct principle evident in all areas of life. It’s a generic , common denominator principle, but it has its greatest power in the area of interpersonal relations.

Four Autobiographical Responses

Autobiographical means pertaining to one’s own life if you are explaining something to someone and you use a story from your life as an example.

BECAUSE WE LISTEN AUTOBIOGRAPHICALLY, WE TEND TO RESPOND IN ONE OF FOUR WAYS :

• we either agree or disagree We evaluate

• we ask questions from our own frame of referenceWe probe

• we give counsel based on our own experienceWe advice

• we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior.

We interpret

When people are really hurting and you really listen with a pure desire to understand, you'll be amazed how fast

they will open up. They want to open up. Children desperately want to open up, even more to their parents

than to their peers. And they will, if they feel their parents will love them unconditionally and will be faithful

to them afterwards and not judge or ridicule them.

Example

Let's take a look at what well might be a typical communication between a father and his teenage son.

"Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!""What's the matter, Son?" (Probing) You will never be able to truly step inside another person, to see the world as he sees it, until you develop the pure desire, the strength of personal character, and the positive Emotional Bank Account, as well as the empathic listening skills to do it.

The skills, the tip of the iceberg of empathic listening, involve four developmental stages

1st stage This is the skill taught in "active" or "reflective" listening .You just listen to the words that come out of someone's mouth and you repeat them. You're hardly even using your brain at all

"Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!""You've had it. You think school is for the birds.“ You haven't evaluated or probed or advised or interpreted. You've at least showed you're paying attention to his words. But to understand, you want to do more.

2nd stage The second stage of empathic listening is to rephrase the content. It's a little more effective, but it’s still limited to the verbal communication "Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!""You don't want to go to school anymore." This time, you've put his meaning into your own words. Now you're thinking about what he said, mostly with the left side, the reasoning, logical side of the brain.

3rd stage The third stage brings your right brain into operation. You reflect feeling. "Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!""You're feeling really frustrated." Now you're not paying as much attention to what he's saying as you are to the way he feels about what he's saying.

4th stage The fourth stage includes both the second and the third. You rephrase the contentAnd reflect the feeling. "Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!""You're really frustrated about school." Frustration is the feeling; school is the content. You're using both sides of your brain to understand both sides of his communication. Now, what happens when you use fourth stage empathic listening skills is really incredible.

UNDERSTANDING AND PERCEPTION

UNDERSTANDING AND PERCEPTION

As you listen deeply you will discover over

tremendous differences in perception

Communication is the most important skill in life. You spend years learning how to read and write, and years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training have you had that enables you to listen so you really, deeply understand another human being? Probably none, right?

Seek first to understand then to be understood1. Need to understand another individual’s perception.2. Know how to be understood by other

Courage and consideration

Earlier we defined maturity as the balance between courage and consideration. Seeking to understand requires consideration; seeking to be understood takes courage. Win-win requires a high degree of both. So it becomes important in interdependent situations for us to be understood.

The early GreeksThe early Greeks had a magnificent philosophy which is embodied in three sequentially arranged wordsEthosPathoslogos. I suggest these three words contain the essence of seeking first to understand and making effective presentations.

Then seek to be understoodThree words are effective in making effective presentation:• Ethos• Pathos• logos

ETHOSThis has to do with the person’s credibility and accountability

It is a persuasive appeal based on the character of the individual

“Doctors all over the world recommend this type of treatment.”People tend to believe the opinions of doctors in the matter of medical treatments.

PATHOSThis is a means of persuasion that appeals to the empathic side or

emotions of the audience.

Example:

“If we do not leave this place soon, we will end up yelling for help. We do not see anyone to help us here. So, leave this place and live”- the statement evokes emotions of fear.

LOGOSIt is a means of persuasion by demonstration of logical proof real or

apparent.

It appeals to the intellect of the reader

ONE ON ONE

• Consisting of or being direct communication or exchange between two people.

• The circle of your influence and concerns for problems, others behavior.

CIRCLE OF INFLUENCE

• The Circle of Influence is the area that we have control over.

CIRCLE OF CONCERN

• The Circle of Concern is the area that we have no control over.

• Our Circle of Influence is most often smaller than the Circle of Concern. As we react, we tend to focus on the Circle of Concern, which depletes our energy, because we have no control over it. The energy focused on the Circle of Concern is negative. If you focus on the Circle of Concern and neglect the Circle of Influence, eventually the Circle of Influence will get smaller. This will add to feelings of stress and helplessness, because you cannot change anything in the Circle of Concern.

• Proactive people focus on the Circle of Influence, which is the area we have control over and we can act upon. When we do this, the Circle of Influence gets bigger. When you act on your Circle of Influence you are able to reduce stress levels and increase happiness, because you can initiate and influence change.

CIRCLE OF INFLUENCE• Many factors in interdependent situations are in your Circle of

Concern :

Problems

disagreements

circumstances

Other people’s behavior

SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND• As you focus on your Circle of Influence, you really, deeply understand other

people.

heart of matters quickly

accurate information to work with

INSIDE OUT APPROACH• The 'Inside-Out' approach to personal and interpersonal effectiveness means to

start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with the most inside part of self -- your character, and your motives.

• Opportunities to practice this habit proactively occur every day with your co-

workers, customers, friends, and family.

• Seek first to understand. Before the problems come up, before you try to evaluate and prescribe, before you try to present your own ideas -- seek to understand. It's a powerful habit of effective interdependence.

Poor Listening

We all have times when we are poor listeners. Which “Listening Road Block” do

you most often use? Explain why this happens.

Everybody wants to be listened to. When people feel like you listen So, be a good listener, and you’ll have lots of friends.

I’m All Ears

What are some ways that you can show people that you ARE listening?

Who is a good listener? .

Listen With Your Eyes:Sometimes you have to listen with your eyes as

much as you listen with your ears. People say a lot with their body language and facial expressions.

Emotion Charades:Find a partner. Practice ‘listening with your eyes”. Choose an emotion to

try to express just with your face and body. You can not use words.

•Angry•Sad•Embarrassed•Tired•Happy•Thinking•Bored

•Impatient•Scared•Worried•Relaxed•Frustrated•Surprised•Stressed

•Confused•Flattered•Nervous•Annoyed•Interested

Mirror, MirrorTo be a good listener, mirror back what someone says. Repeat back in your own words what the person is saying. Use

statements like “You seem to be feeling…” and “So what you are saying

is…”

Journal Entry orDiscussion Starter:

Have you ever had a time with your family or friends when you knew that you needed to “zip it”

and just listen? Why is it important to do this sometimes? How does this help the person

you are listening to?

Are you a good listener?

VeryGood

Listener

Not Such a Great

Listener

How could you be a better listener?

Conclusion Communication is the most important skill in life. You spend years learning how to read and write, and years learning how to speak. But what about listening? After reading this chapter we have come to end that we have realized that we could definitely listen more empathetically and let people be understood more