Get Out If You Can

How To Escape An Abusive Relationship

And Be Happy

By Celia John

Copyright © 2012 by Celia John

Get Out If You Can How To Escape An Abusive Relationship and Be Happy is

protected by copyright of Celia John, 2012. No part may be reproduced in any form

without the express permission of the author. Legal action will be taken against

anyone found to be infringing the author’s copyright. All rights reserved.

Disclaimer

Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the

information in this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not

assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or

disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result

from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

Also by Celia John

The System Sucks What Victims Of Domestic Violence Want You To Know

Inside The Abuser’s Mind Be One Step Ahead Of The Abuser

Poems For The Spirit

Lyrical Goddess A Collection of Poems

Love Poetry

www.overcomedomesticviolence.com

www.facebook.com/overcomedomesticviolence

Preface

I am a survivor of domestic violence. I have lived through it, experienced it, survived

and escaped it. When I was going through domestic violence, I did not know who to

turn to. My ex partner had managed to isolate me and turn those who I thought

would support me against me. However, I had a friend who encouraged and

supported me and with their help I was able to leave behind a life of abuse and pain.

This book is based on the knowledge that I have obtained from my experience of

domestic violence and also research that I have conducted with victims of domestic

violence. I hope that you will be enlightened and uplifted by what you read and it is

my hope that one day you too will escape domestic violence and have a life free

from the pain, fear and shadows of abuse.

Table of Contents

Chapter One Know the Abuser The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome Control Ownership Jealousy Narcissistic selfishness Sadism Violence The Super Charmer Deceit Isolation The Blame Game Verbal Abuse Physical Abuse Financial Abuse Threatening Behaviour Threats Sleep Deprivation Chapter Two Fight Back Lose the Guilt Believe in Yourself Reprogram Your Thoughts Make a Decision Seek Help Keep Your Sanity Stay or Leave? The Choice is Yours Effects of Domestic Violence on Children Chapter Three Escape Create an Escape Plan Make a Safety Plan Housing Court Orders Divorce and Separation After You Leave Chapter Four Recovery Emotional Support from Friends and Family Writing Meditation Spirituality Exercise Yoga Support Groups Counselling and Therapy More Books From Celia John

Chapter One Know the Abuser

“Knowledge is power. Knowing the enemy is half the battle.”

The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome

The abusive partner is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You never know which one they

will be. One day they may be nice and charming. The next day they can be violent

and threatening. Their constant mood swings can be draining psychologically for

someone being abused. For example, one day your partner might take you to dinner,

be loving and affectionate and romance you with sweet words. Then another day he

could be slapping you in the face and shaking you because you did not cook his

dinner on time. How can you deal with this?

Living with someone with this syndrome is an emotional rollercoaster which leaves

you vulnerable from day to day because you are living with someone who has two

sides to their personality and often you are not sure which side is the one who is

your partner. Is he Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? This is one of the characteristics of an

abusive partner. They are always fluctuating between two different personalities, one

that is kind and treats you well and one that is horrible and abusive.

Control

Everything is all about control. He wants to control you. He wants to know where you

are at all times. He wants to control who you see, who you go out with. You cannot

do anything without his permission. He wants to tell you what to wear, what to do,

how to think.

One of the controlling behaviours he may exhibit is to call you all hours of the day

when you are out wanting to know where you are. He may tell you what to wear and

when you do not dress according to his preferences he can become angry and even

violent because you did not obey him. In his mind your behaviour is construed as

rebellion and to him you are like an object that he owns and therefore he must

control you.

Ownership

Have you heard this before? “I own you. Your life is my life.” These are all phrases

that an abusive partner uses. He wants to own you. Some men have patriarchal and

chauvinistic ideas that it is the role of a man to dominate and control a woman. Some

men believe that women are inferior to them and their treatment of women reflects

this. No one has the right to own you. You belong to no one. Slavery is over. If a

man says that he owns you then this is a sign that your partner is abusive.

Jealousy

An abuser is obsessively jealous. He is always accusing his partner of cheating. He

may be insecure and not believe that a woman can be faithful to him. So he is

jealous. This type of partner may not allow his girlfriend to have any male friends

because he believes that she will have an affair and so to preserve his relationship

he keeps her away from the opposite sex.

Narcissistic selfishness

This person is very selfish. He refuses to offer his partner any comfort or affection. If

his partner is hurting or crying he will not appear to be touched by it. It is almost like

he has no affection at all for his partner. An abuser always thinks of himself first. He

thinks of his needs and his wants and his partner must first satisfy his needs. He will

not think of satisfying his partner’s needs. This thought will not cross his mind.

Therefore, his partner will not be satisfied.

Sadism

Have you ever been with someone who took pleasure in hurting you? How did that

make you feel? Someone who is a sadist takes pleasure from inflicting pain on

others. This type of abuser may smile and derive pleasure when he makes you sad

or sees you crying. He may enjoy abusing you and the more broken and

downtrodden you become, the more he rejoices. This type of abuser thrives on the

destruction of your inner being. He thrives on your destruction. This is the sadist

type of abuser.

The Super charmer

An abusive partner is always on the lookout for prey. You are the prey and in order

to capture you he needs to throw out the right bait. The abuser needs to charm you

so that you will fall in love with him. He is the super charmer. When you are dating

and he is unsure of your affections he will not show you his dark side. He will be the

perfect gentleman, the perfect conversationalist, the perfect everything and he will

deceive you into believing that he is the perfect man for you. There is a saying that if

it is too good to be true it usually is. No one is perfect. Look for the flaws. Everyone

has a flaw. If a man is trying too hard to hide his flaws something is wrong.

He is not being honest about who he is. He is being deceitful and this is the trait of

an abusive partner.

Deceit

Do you ever get the feeling your partner is hiding something from you? When you

question him about certain things he is evasive. When you ask him a question he

answers with another question. There are certain things that he does not want you to

know. He does not speak about his past. In fact this type of abuser lies quite a lot.

He lies to hide who he is from you because if you knew who he really was you would

not be with him.

Isolation

An abuser seeks to isolate you so that he can have more control over you. If you are

isolated then you become dependent on the abuser. He becomes everything to you

and when you become completely dependent on him it will be harder for you to

leave. If you do not have any family or friends, then who can help you? An abusive

partner will discourage you from having friends. He may say comments like, “You

don’t need friends. You have me.”

He may discourage you from going out and socialising. If you have friends he may

try to find ways to turn you against them or get you to drop them. If you are close to

your family he may seek to turn your family against you by telling lies about you or

he may forbid you to see them or have any contact with them. The purpose of this is

to weaken you and make you isolated, vulnerable and dependent on him so that he

can have more control over you.

The Blame Game

Is this familiar? Everything is your fault. If he hits you he may say, “It is your fault.

You made me angry.” If he shouts at you and makes you cry, he may say, “It is your

fault that you made me shout at you. If you had done what I wanted then this

wouldn’t have happened.” The abusive partner never takes responsibility for his

abusive behaviour. He is never wrong. It is the partner who is always wrong and

caused him to act in a certain way. So he places all the blame for the abuse on you

and if you internalise this and accept the blame then you fall into his trap. He now

has you taking responsibility for his bad behaviour and thinking that it is really your

fault.

Verbal Abuse

Emotional and psychological abuse can be expressed through verbal abuse.

“You’re so fat! I don’t know why I married you! No man will ever want you except me.

Why leave? No one will ever want you.” These are words that break and crush the

spirit of the abused. The intention is to psychologically wound and torture the person.

The abuser wants to break you. He wants you to have low self-esteem so that he

can keep you where he wants you to be. If you have low self-esteem than maybe

you will not think of leaving him and if he has isolated you there is no one to

contradict what he says.

What is the purpose of verbal abuse? It is for humiliation. But it also has another

agenda. The main agenda of the abuser is to hurt your self-esteem. It is to destroy

the image of who you are and create a false image, one that exists in your head but

is not altogether real. You wonder what I mean. I will explain. Suppose when you first

got involved with your abuser he was complimentary to you saying that you are

pretty, lovely, attractive etc....

However, when you became involved in a serious relationship with him he started to

say that you are ugly and that no man would want you. Now why would he say that

you are pretty and then later say that you are ugly? The sole purpose of verbal

abuse is to destroy your self-esteem and make you dependent on the abuser for

your self -worth. Once you become dependent on the abuser for self- worth and

affirmation of who you are he gains more control over you.

Do not let him have this power over you. Tell yourself the opposite of what the

abuser tells you. If he says you are ugly then tell yourself you are beautiful. If he

says you will never get another man then tell yourself that one day you will. You

need to fight the negative thoughts that are being implanted in your mind by an

abusive partner and create new positive thoughts. If you dwell on the negative

thoughts of the abuser it is likely that you will begin to believe it. Then you will have

lost the battle before it has even begun.

Living with an abuser is like engaging in psychological warfare. The abuser is trying

to torture you, humiliate you and strip you of your self esteem. Do not let him. He

only wants you to believe that you are ugly and that no other man would want you so

that you will never leave him and be tied to him forever. Do not believe anything that

an abusive partner says when he is being verbally abusive. His whole agenda is to

wound, hurt you and make you weak, vulnerable and dependent on him for

emotional support and self-worth.

Physical Abuse

This type of abuser is violent. He hits you whenever he feels like it and is pathetically

sorry afterwards. An excuse he may use is that you did not please him or do what he

wanted you to do. He can also say he hit you because he is frustrated, stressed out

by work or you made him angry. Whatever the excuse given no one has the right to

hit you. Eventually this physical abuse becomes a cycle of abuse that there does not

seem to be any escape from.

Living in this type of environment is especially traumatising because you are living

under a reign of terror. You never know when the abuser is going to hit you and you

never know what is going to trigger the abuse. So you walk on eggshells always

trying to please but never knowing when the blow is going to come.

Financial Abuse

“I am the man. I make the money. You need to do as I say. Here is some money to

buy groceries and do not buy anything else.” These are the words of someone who

is abusive. You should be able to have money at all times and if your partner is

withholding money from you then this is financial abuse.

Threatening behaviour

An abuser uses fear and intimidation in order to control their partner. They may use

their physical strength or the threat of violence to be intimidating. For instance, an

abusive partner may hold a knife close to his partner to make her afraid without

taking any action. They can also use their bodies as a form of intimidation by

towering over you, glaring at you or even raising their hand to hit you.

Threats

An abusive partner can use your children in order to make you stay in the

relationship. He may say, “Do not leave me for the sake of the children. What about

the children?” he may ask. An abuser can also threaten to report you to social

services if you leave. Your partner can also make false allegations against you to

social services in order to give the authorities the impression that you are a bad

parent. You may feel forced to stay because you do not want to lose your children.

There are many reasons why an abusive partner might do this. He may want to gain

custody of your children and this could be his way of making you look bad. He could

want you to stay with him and this is his way of forcing you to stay by threatening you

with social services if you leave. His other reason may be solely to hurt you and to

keep you under his control by always seeking to have the upper hand. The abusive

partner wants to make you look like the bad one and create the illusion that you are

the abuser so that he can hide behind his charming image so that no one would

suspect him of abuse.

Sleep Deprivation

Is your partner keeping you up all night and not allowing you to sleep? Lack of sleep

is known to affect our behaviour in a negative way. If you are not going to sleep it

weakens you physically and psychologically. It can also make you feel like you are

losing your mind if you are unable to sleep. These are torture tactics that the abuser

can use to make you weak and easier for him to control and dominate so he can

control you.

If you enjoyed this sample chapter from my book, Get Out If You Can How To

Escape An Abusive Relationship And Be Happy it is available for sale on Amazon.

Click on the link below to buy it from Amazon:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Escape-Abusive-Relationship-Happy-

ebook/dp/B00AVQ0Z8K/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1367697215&sr=1-

1&keywords=get+out+if+you+can+how+to+escape+and+abusive+relationship+and+

be+happy

Get Out If You Can How To Escape An Abusive Relationship And Be Happy is also

available on my website www.overcomedomesticviolence.com .

Get Out If You Can How To Escape An Abusive Relationship And Be Happy will

explain:

The characteristics of an abusive partner

How to recognize if you are in an abusive relationship

How to plan in order to leave an abusive relationship

How to reprogram your thoughts after verbal abuse

How to recover after leaving an abusive partner

I know what it feels like to be trapped in an abusive relationship and the feeling of

helplessness and powerlessness that abuse can cause. This is why I wrote this book

so that maybe what I have learned can help someone else to escape a life of abuse

and finally be free.

If you are confused about your partner's behaviour or simply want more information

about domestic violence, buy this book.

More Books From Celia John

The System Sucks What Victims Of Domestic Violence Want You To Know

This book is based on qualitative research that I have conducted with victims of

domestic violence in order to study their experiences with social workers.

Lyrical Goddess A Collection Of Poems

This is a selection of poems on womanhood, nature and love.

Poems For The Spirit

This is a selection of Christian inspirational poetry.

Love Poetry

This is a selection of poems about the beauty of love from the first kiss to burning

passion.

Comments For the Author?

Email me at ebusinessnetworkforyou@gmail.com

For more information please visit the author’s website:

www.overcomedomesticviolence.com

Like us on facebook to express your feelings about domestic violence at:

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Follow Overcome Domestic Violence on Google Plus to have your say on what you

think about domestic abuse.

One Last Thing...

If you believe your friends would get something valuable out of this book, I’d be

honoured if you recommended this book to them. And if you feel strongly about the

contributions this book has made to your understanding of abuse, please feel free to

post a review on Amazon.