This newsletter is dedicated to professional caregivers. It is our hope that this newsletter will help you give comfort and strength to those you serve.

By Dr. Earl A. Grollman

Loneliness – An Equal Opportunity OffenderIn his classic volume, Loneliness: The Experience of Emotional and Social Isolation, Dr. Robert S. Weiss explains the significance of early attach-ments. Children separated from adults, even for short intervals, suffer from separation-anxiety. Recall the loneliness and sense of abandonment you felt as a young child when your parents went away for a week, a day, a few hours, a few minutes.

Loneliness does not cease with childhood. Then there are lonely periods that come with crisis, whether it involves moving to a different city or an illness or divorce. We can also experience loneliness during the everyday – even when surrounded by family and friends who love us. Loneliness affects us all.

Death – The Final SeparationDeath is an assault on the meaning of life itself. With the death of a confidante, ally, lover, pro-

tector, friend or family member, we feel like part of us has died along with them.

We long for a past that cannot be retrieved. This gaping hole – this painful state – is a verification of what we had meant to each other. Loneliness is an integral part of the complex emotions of grief.

What is loneliness?Loneliness has many faces:

A widow: “I will never find anyone to take his place. I am doomed to a life of loneliness.”

A widower: “I keep busy at work during the day but when I return at night and the house is empty, I’m devastated.”

A teenager: “Since my dad died, I don’t go out with my friends. They are in a different place than me. So I keep to myself.”

Summer 2012

Overcoming Loneliness After Loss

I often ask my bereaved clients, “What hurts the most?” Their frequent response, “The loneliness.”

A grief therapist: “My beloved brother, Rabbi Jerome Groll-man, was my mentor (and sometimes tormentor). The most ex-cruciating periods of loneliness erupt in quiet moments when I want to ask him a question, share an experience or seek advice. How searing this permanent realization when I grasp that I will never hear his voice, his opinions, his observations. Frankly, I feel cheated!”

Different forms of loneliness.Loneliness can be experienced in a number of ways:

• Yearning. To see, hear and touch those no longer with us.

• Loss of attachment. The need to feel that deep connection.

• Defenceless. Feeling unable to manage life’s challenges without the beloved.

• Isolation. Afraid of forming new bonds – believing that at-tachments lead to pain.

• Ambiguity. The fear of being alone while feeling a need to avoid others.

Alone and LonelinessLife does not end with the death of a beloved. We don’t dimin-ish their memories by experiencing moments of serenity, joy and quietude.

One can be a complete person by deciding to choose to really live, even if we are alone. Alone only becomes loneliness when the separation makes us forever sad and dejected. How do we learn to enjoy the solo life?

Don’t Withdraw from LifeGail Sheehy in New Passages affirms, “What people need in life is connections . . . not necessarily a married connection, but con-nections with friends, with one’s community, with colleagues.”

Escaping into loneliness is not a solution. If we stay alone too long, our homes become protective shells shielding us from confronting our new reality. There are those bereaved who are afraid of “bur-dening” friends and family with their problems Others are afraid of looking “weak” – thinking that they should be able to take care of everything themselves. Start slowly – make one phone call a day. Then two. Later, make a date with an old friend. Begin to develop relationships with new friends. One baby step at a time.

Reaching OutWhen we reach out, we must choose the right people – fam-ily and friends who allow us to share our deep-seated emotions.

They should be non-judgmental, safe and willing to listen to our feelings of loneliness and pain.

We can learn to admit that we need help. We can learn to accept the assistance of others. We can learn to tell others what we need – whether it’s help with household chores, babysitting, a hug or a listening ear. A Celtic proverb, “A little help is better than a lot of pity.” Here are a few other ways to reach out:

• Support groups. Participating with others who have en-dured similar losses help us to fully comprehend our anxieties and frustrations. They have been there before. We don’t have to explain to them the terrifying experience of loneliness.

• Helping others. What’s the best cure for loneliness? Some survivors say, “Simple acts of kindness.” They call it the “help-er’s high.” When we feel lonely and desperately need to be tak-en care of, we then take care of others. It gets us out of ourselves and opens us up to life.

• Professional help. When loneliness is unbearable and we become stuck in our grief, seeking help from professionals is tangible demonstration of our courage and a sign that we are ready to rebuild our lives.

One widow told her therapist: “It’s hard going solo.” The therapist helped her gain new insights when he asked, “What do you like about living alone?” She paused, then answered: “I don’t have to worry about his health every second. I am free to travel. I enjoy working as a volunteer at my local hospice. And I am learning to treasure my alone time.” Then she smiled and said, “Now, I can even put mushrooms in my spaghetti sauce. My husband hated mushrooms. I love them.”

Reaching In“If it is to be me it’s up to me.” There is no better insight into grief recovery. Use your time alone to heal. Listen to music. Go for a walk. Take a warm bath. Write in a journal. Read a book. Garden. Meditate.

More than ever we need interludes of emotional and spiritual re-lease. You may find healing in respite, reprieve and recreation. As Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.” We find comfort in solitude if only we learn to befriend it.

Yes, we are lonely because no one can take the place of our be-loved. We can never replace them. But we best commemorate their memories by taking care of ourselves, by reaching out and connecting with others.

About the Author

Dr. Earl A. Grollman, a pioneer in crisis management, is internationally acclaimed as a writer and lecturer. A recipient of the Death Education

Award by the Association for Death Education and Counseling, his books on coping with bereavement have sold close to a million copies.

For further information, visit www.beacon.org/grollman.

When we reach out, we must choose the right people – family and friends who allow us to share our deep-seated emotions.

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

The Spiritual Path to Healing: An Introduction

After the death of someone loved, you are “torn apart” and have some very unique needs. Among these needs is to nurture yourself in five important areas: physically,

emotionally, cognitively, socially and spiritually. This article will focus on nurturing yourself in the spiritual realm.

When someone we love dies, it is like a deep hole implodes inside of us. It’s as if the hole penetrates us and leaves us gasping for air. I have always said we mourn life losses from the inside out. In my experi-ence, it is only when we are spiritually nurtured (inside and outside) that we discover the courage to mourn openly and honestly.

To integrate spiritual practices into your life demands a reminder that:

• Spirituality invites you to slow down and turn inward.

• Spirituality invites you to feel deeply and to believe passionately.

• Spirituality invites you to get to know your authentic self.

• Spirituality invites you to celebrate diversity.

• Spirituality invites you to be open to the mystery.

To practice spiritual self-care doesn’t mean you are feeling sorry for yourself. Rather, it means you are allowing yourself to have the courage to pay attention to your special needs. For it is in spiritually nurturing ourselves, in allowing ourselves the time and

loving attention we need to journey through our grief, that we find meaning in our continued living. That is why, if I could, I would encourage all of us when we are in the midst of grief to put down “Nurture my spirit” first on our daily to-do lists.

The Mosaic World We Live InPerhaps you have noticed that our world has got much smaller reli-giously in the last 50 years. Eastern religions and spiritual practices arrived in the United States and Canada a little more than 150 years ago. Then, in the 1960s, we saw books, lectures and workshops from folks like Thich Nhat Hanh and Ram Dass, who invited us western-ers to explore Eastern spiritual practices. This influx of Eastern tradi-tions and practices created new life to spirituality in North America.

While our differences still define us, our potential to borrow meaningful spiritual practices from each other unites us. The great equalizer – death – invites us to be enriched by learning from each other.

As you read this article, while I encourage you to nurture yourself spiritually, I recognize that spirituality and religiosity are not synony-mous. In some people’s lives they overlap completely; their religious life is their spiritual life. Other people have a rich spiritual life with few or no ties to an organized religion. Obviously, each of us needs to define our own spirituality in the depths of our own hearts and

About the Author

This article is excerpted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s book Healing Your Grieving Soul: 100 Spiritual Practices for Those Who Mourn, available at

book stores and at Dr. Wolfelt’s website, www.centerforloss.com. Dr. Wolfelt is an internationally-noted author, teacher and grief counsellor.

He serves as director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is an educational consultant to funeral homes, hospices, hospitals,

schools and a variety of community agencies across North America.

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minds. The paths we choose will be our own, discovered through self-examination, reflection and spiritual transformation.

My Personal Journey and the “Switch”When grief and loss have touched my life, I have discovered that my own personal source of spirituality anchors me, allowing me to put my life into perspective. For me, spirituality involves a sense of con-nection to all things in nature, God, and the world at large.

Someone with some wisdom once observed, “Spirituality is like a switch. Everybody has one; it’s just that not everyone has it turned on.” Sometimes, experiences of grief and loss can turn off our switch. We are human and sometimes our switches feel stuck, or worse yet, non-existent. Our “divine spark” – that which gives life meaning and purpose – feels like it has been muted.

My switch is turned on when I live from a desire to see a loving God in the everyday. In the midst of grief, I can still befriend hope, and the most ordinary moment can feed my soul. Spirituality is anchored in faith, which is expecting goodness even in the worst of times. It is not about fear, which is expecting the worst even in the best of times.

Spirituality reminds you to understand that you can and will in-tegrate losses into your life, see the goodness in others, and know that there are many pathways to heaven.

The Openness of a ChildIf you have doubt about your capacity to connect with God and the world around you, try to approach the world with the open-ness of a child. Embrace the pleasure that comes from the simple sights, smells and sounds that greet your senses.

I truly believe that acknowledging your heart is broken is the begin-ning of your healing. As you experience the pain of your loss – gently opening, acknowledging and allowing – the suffering it has wrought diminishes but never completely vanishes. In fact, the resistance to the pain can potentially be more painful than the pain itself. As dif-ficult as it is, we must relinquish ourselves to the pain of grief. As Helen Keller said, “The only way to the other side is through.”

Yet, going through the pain of loss is not in and of itself the goal in our grief journey. Instead, it is rediscovering life in ways that give us reason to get our feet out of bed and to make life matter. I’m certain you realize that the death of someone precious to you is not some-thing you will ever “overcome” or “let go of.” The death of someone we have given love to and received love from doesn’t call out to be “resolved” or “explained,” but to be experienced.

There are a number of spiritual practices that may help you heal your grieving heart. I grew up in a traditional faith community; I watched and learned from a variety of people whose “switches” appeared to be in the on position. I have come to appreciate what some might term more “traditional” practices, as well as some “non-traditional” practices. I have observed the simple yet lovely ways different people connect with the Divine. I have tried to integrate into my daily life those practices that seem to really connect for me.

As you explore the practices in search of those that might be helpful to you in your grief journey, ask yourself: what broadens my perspective and deepens my faith? What brings me some peace and calms my fears? What deepens my connection with other people, to God, to the world and to my essential self?

If you have doubt about your capacity to connect

with God and the world around you, try to

approach the world with the openness of a child.