Let the 17-Year-Old Voice Emerge: Strategies to Help Students Write

Powerful College Application Essays

Joe Beltran, University of Southern CaliforniaRebecca Joseph, PhD, CSU Los AngelesSylvia Juarez-Magana, U.C. BerkeleyLauren Popkowski, Oaks Christian School

Kameron’s Essay

The clang of heavy footsteps on the steel ramp leading to my front porch pierces the warm, tranquil California air. The faded red bricks that once chipped away with every new visitor are now hidden beneath the shadow of the metal. As the front door swings ajar, inquisitive eyes fix upon an elaborate chair lift spiraling along the banister of the stairs. My world was not always this way, but this world is now my home.

This new world began on the afternoon of May 13, 2009. Following a routine day of football practice, I jumped in my brother’s car, eager to get home to a mouthwatering plate of my stepfather’s crispy homemade chicken wings. My brother’s blank expression told me otherwise… the silence lingered, then: “Gary is in a coma.”

JB

Kameron’s EssayI choked on the numbness. Minutes later, I found myself standing beside my mom at the foot of my stepfather’s hospital bed, gazing at dozens of protruding tubes. Gary had suffered a cardiac arrest, leaving him pulseless shortly after. His life was spared by the heroic instincts of the paramedics who resuscitated him, but he had been robbed of his short and long-term memory, and I of my role model. The catastrophe left him in a wheelchair, requiring full-time dependent care and demanding a complete change of lifestyle for my family.

 A seventh grader at the time, I quickly learned the challenges of caring for a handicapped adult. If I was not in school or at football practice, I was in my home assisting with Gary’s care. As I helped him brush his teeth and change his clothes, I understood that I was growing up fast.

 “I will not become a victim.”

Kameron’s EssayHis brilliant mind no longer functioned at full capacity, and everything had to be learned from scratch. For the first three months of his recovery, my mother’s name was not “Mia,” but “Cheesecake.” Likewise, I was often greeted as “Crumb” or even “Dumbs**t.” Alas, Gary had retained his sense of humor. Unfortunately, his flattering introductions preceded unpredictable mood swings, as peaceful days filled with Yahtzee and old Herbie Hancock records were often followed by fits of rage. Living n the moment became my mantra; I savored the brief moments of nostalgia.

“I will not become a victim.”

During my junior year of high school, I became a part of a tutoring program for underprivileged children, motivated to inspire others with my new tenacity. Hearing my student, Gilber, laugh as we read The Stinky Cheese Man sparked the childish laugh I once shared with my stepfather watching reruns of Saturday Night Live. Sharing moments of happiness and celebrating accomplishments with Gilber reminded me of the positive impact that translated from my hardships.

“I will not become a victim.”

Kameron’s EssayMore importantly, the moments I spent caring for my stepfather taught me the value of spending time doing what I love. With an ambition for entrepreneurship, I became the founder and C.E.O. of my own company, and created a rewards program designed to re-energize student engagement in the classroom and boost attendance at school events. I carried my business to a national competition in Washington D.C. where we presented in the Capitol. Dressed in a suit while shaking hands with congressmen and women who believed in my idea… I knew Gary was proud.

“I am not a victim.” 

As I make breakfast for Gary at the dawn of another morning, I am humbled by my experiences and proud of the courage and ambition that has been awakened. I look up above the dining table at the quote inscribed upon the wall: “We don’t remember days, we remember moments.” How true and strong it echoes in my mind, comparable to the perpetuating clashes of the steel ramp, where underneath lie the cracked and worn bricks of my old world, protected by the new world strong as steel.

Meet Our Case Study!

Kameron Resume

Top Grades At Very Competitive Public High School

Great ACT Scores

Great AP tests

Great activities

RJJ

Essays = Opportunity

Show unique stories that make applicants jump off the page

Master the highest ranked non-academic aspect of the application

Realize the package of essays counts…not just one

Share their unique voices

Express who they really are

Challenge stereotypes

Reflect on their growth and development, including accomplishments and service

Seek to understand what the admission officers are looking for

RJJ

Successful Admissions Writing includes:

Introspection ~ Self reflection allows for depth in writing

Complex Thinking ~ Identify & showcase multi-dimensions

Keep it Simple ~ Addressing the prompt; no tangents

Coherence ~ Arrangement of qualities with examples

Style and Tone (personal) ~ Be true to oneself; “voice”

Syntax and Format (maturity) ~ Multiple drafts are a must

JB/SJ

How Important Are the Essays?

Grades

Rigor of Coursework, School

Test Scores

Essays*

Recommendations-Teacher and/or Counselor

Activities-Sustained consistency, development, leadership, and initiative

Special skills, talents, awards, community service and passions

RJJ

Steps to Success

Understand the essays you will have to write

Create a master chart to highlight patterns, but also track due dates – this should also include scholarships for which the student plans to apply

Write a resume

Brainstorm core qualities and unique stories

Use effective organizational structures

Seek out application essay resources-i.e. boot camps

LP

Understand the Essays…

The Common Application: One mandatory long prompt—same as last year Writing Supplements—depend on each college

Prompt Choices:

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?

Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

Private College Specific ApplicationsOther Systems (Universal Application, etc.)

JB

Understand the Essays…University of California Prompts• All applicants must respond to two essay prompts — the general

prompt and either the freshman or transfer prompt, depending on your status.

• Responses to your two prompts must be a maximum of 1,000 words total (allocate at least 250 words for one response).

• Provide views from two different aspects of your life or background ~ illustrates how well rounded you are.

The Prompts

• 1. Freshman applicant prompt

• Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. (Influence)

• 2. Prompt for all applicants

• Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are? (The Facts with Examples)

SJ

Kameron – UC Essay 2

I have always sought to bring change to those around me and leave a significant impression on the lives I come into contact with. Last year, did just that. What would become my most valuable accomplishment began as a few ideas scribbled on a whiteboard during the first Junior Achievement Business Program meeting of my junior year. The problem statement at the time was determining how to fill the empty seats at sporting events and performances at my high school while also improving academic performance in the classroom for an all around improved high school experience for my peers.

Shortly after that first meeting, I created an incentive rewards program, Swipe ID, designed to re-energize student engagement in the classroom and boost attendance at school events using a system that worked hand-in-hand with the existing student ID cards. Students simply scan their ID cards after showing proof of improvement in the classroom or upon entering any school sporting event or performance, earning them points with each scan. These points are then exchanged for various rewards designed to provide motivation for classroom excellence and school event participation.

Kameron – UC Essay 2 (con’t)

The company Swipe ID was implemented into my high school and became an immediate success, demonstrating increased ticket sales to school events and improved overall classroom performance within its first year of inception. As founder and CEO, I was introduced to a vast world of business. I have presented Swipe ID at district chamber meetings, in the office of congresswoman Julia Brownley, and I have been selected to speak at my district's youth Ted-x event regarding entrepreneurship. Despite my company's success, commendation is not what stirs my pride. Rather, it stems from having the ability to share my story. It is not about what I have done, but what I inspire my peers to do.

Many great minds seek out to create the revolutionary "next best", but I believe brilliant minds seek to improve upon what already exists. My ultimate pursuit is to reveal the pioneering ambition that already lies within my peers by sharing how my ambitious journey has led to success.

Helping Release Individual Voices

• Verbal/Linguistic

• Logical/Mathematical

• Visual/Spatial

• Body/Kinesthetic

• Musical/Rhythmic

• Interpersonal

• Intrapersonal

• Naturalist

• Existentialist

Create a Master Chart: Organize!

Major Deadlines – think about creating a calendar

Core Essays ~ color code mode (similar/overlapping)

Supplemental Essays -- color code similar types i.e. “Why are you a good match for us?” or “How will you add to the diversity of our campus?”

Be careful to not use the same core essay topic

Avoid canned answers – do your research!

LP

Write a ResumeAcademic: Current school, honors, AP courses, test

scores (if strong: SAT or ACT, AP, Subject exams), academic summer programs – to start. These don’t need to stay on your resume.

Activities: Clubs, sports, volunteer work, employment, internships. Describe the level of activity and any awards and honors received. Include leadership positions held.

If the activity or award is something specific to your school, craft a one-sentence explanation. i.e. “Lion’s Voice” or “Wolverine Award”

Resumes should also include an idea of time spent on each activity – this will help when it comes to filling out the Common App, but can also be easily removed when needing a formal resume.

LP

Core Qualities & Unique Stories

Brainstorming Exercises:

Write a letter to future roommate

Write a “Where I’m From” poem modeled on George Lyon’s original

Write three responses to the common application optional short essay activities prompt

Share A Culture Bag

Instagram/Twitter

RJJ

Organizational Structures

Into• Lead the reader into the story

• Start with a hook

• Consider cutting first paragraph(s) from first draft

Through• Use 1/3, 2/3 method: if starting with a life or family challenge, move quickly

into who student is now; if writing about someone who influenced, make sure 2/3 of essay is about the student not the person of influence

• Use first person

• Show don’t tell

Beyond• Connect to who student is now and who student wants to be

• Evoke core qualities, convey morals

RJJ

Essay Workshops

Create a boot camp for your students – even if just for a day!

Work on writing one to two core essays

Drafts, drafts, and more drafts (the average essay takes at least four drafts to have a clear message)Free-writing

Brainstorming

Organization

Be willing to include unique stories and pivotal messages or a unique take on student interests

LP

Final thoughts

Students need to remember that they:Can create amazing essays and control this

processCannot use essays to get into unrealistic college

choicesHave just a few minutes to grab the attention of

an essay reader.Need weeks, not days, to write effective college

essays.Cannot manufacture essays; essays convey

truth, unique stories, and writing skills.Can tell their story like no one else.

JB

Contact Us• The Powerpoint for Today Can Be Found at http

://www.slideshare.net/getmetocollege/

• Joe Beltran, University of Southern California, jbeltran@usc.edu

• Rebecca Joseph, PhD, California State University, Los Angeles, rjoseph@calstatela.edu

• Sylvia Juarez-Magana, UC Berkeley, sjuarez@berkeley.edu

• Lauren Popkowski, Oaks Christian School, lpopkowski@oakschristian.org